#i went ham on the height difference on this one lads

[distant--shadow]

"...but if you...if you can't...reconcile...with that...it's okay-"

the one who stayed

((ko-fi//commissions open))

[gravelgirty]

Captain Carrot Toys for Hogfather!

Captain Carrot Toys for Hogfather! Part 1

Marcia Wilson

*

This is 100% inspired by THIS POST from Thescarletpaperback regarding a Hogfather celebration with Captain Carrot action figures.

First. we’ll ask why the emphasis was all on Carrot, and not his Commander Sam Vimes, because Carrot wouldn’t take this kind of honor over his boss, nosirree.

Toymakers initially tried for Sam Vimes toys, because--reasons. That mess with the dragon and all that hoopla with Weatherwax (and we don’t mean the Wizard Weatherwax, thank you), positively begged for merchandise. It started when one of the Junior Assistants to an Apprentice Toymaker came home to find his children dressing up wooden clothespins and having small armies of The Watch parade over the kitchen table and defeat the awful evil represented by his husband’s Mystery Meat Soup. His oldest had gone so far as to pencil a cigar poking out of the crayoned mouth of the scowling clothespin.

This close to Hogfather, obviously, something needed to be done.

Veritable Upshot then went forth and on his five-minute luncheon breaks, begged for workshop scraps the Toymaker Guild was going to throw into The River, anyway. 

 (Every respectable Guild made sure to dump a certain level of carbon-based garbage into The River every week; it gave the gaseous-producing micro-imps something to eat and distracted them from too much gastrointestinal mischief. This custom was started by the Assassin’s Guild, who felt the inconvenience of a river that liked to combust at the most inopportune moments).

The toys were a Hogfather success, with all the children so delighted with their own Watch and opponents that they forgot to shake down the Hogfather Wreath for the hidden hog bladder stuffed with candied minnows. Veritable Upshot sat back weary with the delights of a Job Well Done and accepted a glass of steaming Cheese Wine brewed and bottled by his own beloved, Oregano Salsify. Together the couple toasted each other for a memorable holiday--so memorable, in fact, that the children completely ignored the lack of a decent meal on the table and were dispersing to the winds with their wooden watchmen. Unbenownst to them, their children would be soon renting out limited amounts of time for the other children to play with the Wooden Watch, and that payment was inevitably in the form of Holiday Excess. Late that night, Salsify did wonder about the slightly-gnawed ham basket left on the doorstep, but homemakers for 6 orphans and a Junior Assistant to a First Level Apprentice Toymaker learns to pinch pennies until they’re thinner than cabbage stamps.

It’s Sam Vimes who discovers the toys, because Young Sam comes back with his mother gabbling about how his father has his own ‘statue’ now in the main square. Vimes needs a little time to figure it out, but luckily for Sam and Sybil, the lad’s hand gestures approach fluent bilingualism, and legally, there is no minimal height requirement for an Ankh-Morpork statue.

He dons his oilskin against the wintry damp and takes a little stroll down to that little spot the Watch pretends to not know about 23 hours a day. It’s Midday, that one hour in which the worst of weather shows itself without pity. In summer the heat bakes the dirt into the stones; in spring the rains rinse all the collected leaves, dead mice, bird’s-nests, and forgotten Assassin’s daggers off the roofs and into the gutters. During Hogfather, the snows pile up high and deep and soft, one hour a day, around the Square, and children are there to play.

Vimes is a bit nostalgic about those dirty little urchins playing at the Square. He used to be one, and snow is nicer than playing in watery gutters or trying to bake mud pies out of horse patties in the summer. The first thing he sees by the Old Sundial is a well-assembled army of child-sized Snow Yeti, beasts the Trolls invoked to make their children go to bed at proper hours.  The dirty white lumps are lurching across the open face of the Old Sundial that rules the Square and defeating them is a small wooden collection of his very own Watch.

Sam watches from behind a cloud of fresh cigar as the villains are routed by not brute force, but sensibility. The tiny wooden Sam is marched up to warn the yeti one last time that they should obey the law, and when the yeti refuse, littler wooden Cheery Longbottom and not-littler Captain Carrot stride forth and the children are yelling proper legal imprecations because as everyone knows, it is highly illegal for beings made of snow to approach a municipal drinking water source before going to the bathroom.

Sam Vimes is both charmed and terrified at the enthusiasm of these children, and he can already see them grown into a Watch cloak. Especially that girl, who looks like she’s got a few different species and a lot of energetic output to channel in her brain.

But it is the youngest child, a tiny little thing with smoked glasses over his eyes that pulls at Vimes’ heart and copper strings at the same time. None of the kiddies have seen enough in the way of regular meals, and he remembers a little girl on his old street, blind, and her parents couldn’t afford real medical smoked glasses so they made their own by passing the lenses over a smoking wick. Later the mum went into what can only be politely called a life of crime to pay for treatment; people like her are why Vimes flexes his muscles with the letter of the law every day.

This little boy is smiling like Young Sam does when he has a very precious thing in his fingers, and those fingers are running over the carved doll that is Cheery Longbottom. Of course, he thinks, Ironwood for Cheery.

It doesn’t surprise him that the blind child knows he’s coming; his boots crunch loudly in the snow and his knees pop as he lowers himself to a better level.

“That’s a nice toy you have,” he says.

“Me Papa made it!” Was the proud answer.

“Oh?”

“Yes! Someday he’s going to be a Toymaker!”

Vimes asks permission for and gets, the chance to examine the wooden Cheery. Toymaker masters aren’t really ‘allowed’ to make toys on their own and he’s been called to too many complaints from the Guild, which they call a Sodality, not a Guild because Guilds must pay taxes. So often it means jealous old bastards against rising new talent. This has the look of talent. There’s love in these little nicks; love for the craft, the child, and for Cheery.

He’s halfway through a gentle interrogation of the toys when someone who absolutely must be a parent comes puffing up, staggering through the uneven snowdrifts. He’s got patches on his patches but everything’s clean, and the hair sticking up in all directions was hand-cut.

“Oh, dear!”

“At ease, Salsify.” Sam pulls one of his spare cigars out. “I was just admiring the workmanship here.” And he grinned. “Takes a bit of skill to make decent tools out of scroungings, doesn’t it? Because as I recall, the Guild keeps everyone’s tools under lock and key during work-hours.”

Salsify flushes, and the former lockpick lifts his chin. “A bit of a challenge,” he answers stoutly. “Did you know the dwarves just toss out their stoneware mugs when they get broken? All those wonderful high-temperature ceramics turned into flowerpots, or…or crushed into cobbles for their driveways!” He shudders. “Nothing like a ceramic tipped knife for cutting the vegetables, let me tell you. And never need sharpening!”

“I never thought about it, but that’s good to know.”

“I’m still living clean, Sam.” Salsify whispers under the shouts of the children. “I’m still at the Cheese Vineyard. Very and these children are everything to me. I’m not going to ruin it.”

“I know, Orrie.” Sam returns. “I didn’t expect to see you at all. Young Sam saw the toys and came back chirping.” He blew a smoke ring. “Glad to know Veritable finally got in with the Guild--Sodality.”

Oregano Salsify’s response is to snort sadly and look away. The children may look lean, but they’re well-fed next to the reformed criminal that lived on the next step over from Cockbill Street.  “They’re hard to work for,” he muttered. “Everything he does, they take the credit for it. I told him he would be better off with the Miniaturist’s Guild, but…well…a Toymaker gets more in sales when they finally become a master craftsman.”

“Which only takes ten or fifteen years, eh?” Sam wonders sarcastically. The two share a look that understands when one’s partner in life and love might be doing things the hard way because they think it is better for everyone.

“Tell Verry I have some work for him.”

“He’s not allowed to make toys on his own.” Orrie whispers, frightened.

Sam grins. It’s the sort of grin his wife’s swamp dragons cluster to, because they know it means fun things. Like chasing assassins.

*

Lord Vetinari is settling down to his breakfast the following morning when he gets a not-unexpected message from the City Watch. By ‘not-unexpected’ it means that it has been almost a week since Sam Vimes did something to stir things up in the city, and if anything, he’s overdue.

He’s almost finished reading it through when John Polliwog-Offal, lawyer for the Toymaker’s Sodality, comes storming in. Lord Vetinari is an excellent reader of emotions and knows when all five of the man’s chins are quivering with indignation, he’s going to approve of whatever caused it.

*

Lady Sybil is quite accustomed to her husband coming home with an acquaintance for dinner. This one is a shy, shabby little man with six various-sized tattered children, all of which are terrified of Lady Ramkin, but it isn’t long before the baby dragons and Young Sam puts him at ease. She loads them up with plenty of bacon and potatoes, and a glass of Cheese Wine from the country—his own work! Oregano learns from the table-talk that she paid far too much: the real vines hadn’t been ready to bud in the Century of the Cobra! Sybil promises to do something about that.

Young Sam charms him into teaching him how to make swamp dragons out of his mother’s linen napkins and a twist of shoestring. Sam goes to bed early hugging his new contrivance to his chest and the adults stay up a bit later to talk—well, mostly to complain about the price of food in winter. Oregano’s children are food-drunk, napping on the floor with their napkin-dragons. After drawing him out a little bit on the finer details of his life and work, Sybil makes certain Sam won’t let them leave until all are properly packed off in the snowstorm in their private carriage with one—make that two—heavy baskets of ‘leftovers from the kitchen’.

They watch his pale white hand, waving frantically good-bye from the open window of the carriage until the snowswirls swallow them all up.

“Sam,” Lady Sybil asks sweetly, “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that it’s a bloody crime that the Toymaker’s Guild is the only Guild in the city that doesn’t have to pay taxes.”

“Oh? But they claim they shouldn’t because their purpose is to improve life and joy in the city.”

“That was their excuse.”

“And they’re a Sodality, which doesn’t exist in the city legal code dictionary.”

“That was their lawyer’s excuse.”

“Lord Vetinari can’t out-maneuver everyone, Sam. I’m sure he’s already plotting to get Ank-Morpork’s rightful dues from them even as we speak.”

“Oh, I have no doubt you’re right about that, dear.” Sam says blandly. And he smiles. In the barn, the dragons purr.

*

The children are delighted. There’s no warning: they get their Papa Verry home every evening in time for supper, and something good must have been added to this fortune because there’s suddenly a lot to eat. Papa Orrie’s kitchen smells like spices and seasonings, and the grease-cup holding the leavings from meals is brimming full, enough to fuel the little fat-lamps at the table at dark. Their flat is warm. Staying indoors with lessons is a lot more enjoyable than going outside and running for warmth now. They go to be full and content and believing Hogfather’s was somehow extended to an extra-long holiday.

*

Spring arrives, and with it, several things happen all at once:

1)    The snows peter off. This is a relief to deliverymen and citizens everywhere—too bad about the trolls, but they consider this unexpected cool weather a bit of a special treat. “And not long enough to bring in our relatives, either,” Detrius grins. Trolls have no illusions about peacekeeping in hot weather with 3,500+ extended relatives.

2)    The Watch has its own Siege Table. It’s as good as Lord Vetinari’s, a model map of the city and a gooey stripe of some mysterious substance caged from Moist von Lipwig’s rejected stamp glue to resemble The River. Every member of Sam Vimes’ Watch has their own carved representation, except for that dratted Imp, who is weirdly shy and wants only his camera-box carved instead. Everyone universally dubs Angua’s forms, both human and werewolf, to be amazing but there’s a moment of silent awe for Veritable’s skill in capturing the unique…nuances…of Nobby and Colon. There are also carved Guildsmasters, Wizards, and a few of the more restless political players.

3)    Lord Vetinari has his own carvings too. He puts his war table in his office for everyone to see when they come in. Especially for those who are the average height of the average Toymaker’s Master (pity about those stooped over shoulders and curved spines, they really should modify their work-tables).

a.    There are also a few ‘test carvings’, as Veritiable described them, and when Commander Vimes isn’t looking, he’ll come in to find a little Weatherwax (not the Wizard) facing a carved-cringing storekeeper, or the Cheery Longbottom standing on a wooden Detrius’ head to pull a tiny wooden cat out of a tree.

 *

“It would seem, Commander Vimes, that you are in an ineluctable position with the Toymaker’s Sodality.”

“Oh?” Asks Vimes.

“Oh. Yes.” Lord Vetinari nodded gravely.

Vimes waits for further elaboration, as usual. As usual, Vetinari humors him.

“It claims that you have taken one of their members and put him to work on…non-Sodality business, and remind you that it is quite against Sodality Law to have one of their members make toys without pre-approval of the Sodality.”

“This is police business, not toymaking. And the last I checked, I have the right to pull anyone I want out of anyone’s Guild if I so choose, for reasons of my choice, and the Guild has to pay a day’s wage to said member to compensate for each day they are under conscript.” And he grins again. “I’ll be sure to have Captain Carrot come around with all the paperwork.”

“Their lawyer may have some quarrel with that, Commander. For starters, you are claiming the Sodality is a Guild.”

“Oh, my mistake. The laws are still in effect, though.”

“How so?”

“The Conscript Laws apply to all citizens of Ank-Morpork, and whoever is conscripted, their employer, or representative of the entity represented by the lawful labors, efforts, craftsman and volunteerism must pay said conscript a day’s wage as designated by the city’s Treasurer to be adequate for holding body and soul together.”

Why was it, the Patrician wonders, it is simply impossible to pass a fortnight without the presence of Moist Von Lipwig? He glances up but Drumknott is already sliding in with a file comprised of City Law, summarized, itemized, and stamped.

“I confess to surprise, Drumknott. I am not aware that this vote was made—granted back in the Cobra’s Century—with such universal approval on part of the officials.”

“I daresay, sir,” ventures the worthy Drumknott, “It is because at the time it was still quite legal to pay someone to serve the city in one’s stead. Paying a willing fellow a day’s wage for every day they must face a crossbow or spear in the spirit of Civic Duty is really quite the bargain when you think of it.”

“An excellent point, Drumknott.”

“However,” Lord Vetari’s brows float up upon his stern Patrician’s Brow. “If we fail that point in court, there is the matter that a lowly Assistant to a Junior Apprentice in the Toymaker’s Sodality is paid nothing at all until they reach the rank of Full Apprentice.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, really.”

“That hardly seems fair.”

“Oddly enough, the Guild’s Lawyer is saying the same thing. Why pay a day’s wage for a conscript if they never pay him in the first place?”

Commander Vimes scratches his head thoughtfully. “That’s a decent point,” he muses slowly, “But, as I recall from the First Code of the Watch, the Watch is under no obligation to pay a conscript if the project is a matter of security for Ank-Morpork. And creating interactive models of the city, to be used in times of tactical and strategical intelligence, falls under security.”

Lord Vetinari never has to fake his disapproving look when it turns out Sam Vimes is actually reading up on the laws of Ank-Morpork.

“So you say, but it would appear from the financial pages that have reached my desk, the Watch was paying Mr. Upshot wages on top of the wages the Sodality was compelled to pay.”

“I beg your pardon, sir? We were feeding him. Can’t have a hungry man on our rolls. It looks bad and makes for shoddy work.”

Vetinari lowers his pen, because he absolutely can’t wait to hear this explanation. “Are you saying a Junior Assistant to an Apprentice Toymaker needs a meal chit larger than all of your Trolls during the month-long Limestone shortage?”

“Why, no, sir! But he’s got a family to feed, you know, and he was feeding them first before he was feeding himself. We had to strike a balance somewhere.”

“And the other expenses?”

“Perfectly legitimate, sir.”

Vetinari picks up an offending sheet of paper. “You bought him a half-gallon of Children’s Croup Syrup.”

“It is Croup Season. He has a sensitive digestion, I heard. Can only take children’s potions most of the time.”

“And the receipt for twelve pairs of socks?”

“He does a lot of walking to get here, sir.”

“Children’s socks?”

“He has small feet, I heard.”

“You heard? You mean you don’t know?”

“I haven’t seen his feet, sir. They’re always underneath the hem of his Guild robe.”

All right. This is definitely one of his more interesting interviews with Commander Vimes. “And if I approach the…dispensers of these goods, such as, say…(glances down) Weatherwax, he would truthfully assure me the croup potions are for your conscript?”

“What? No, sir!” Commander Vimes is appalled at the very idea. “That’s Miss Weatherwax, your Lordship! Not the Wizard Weatherwax!”

“Ah, my mistake. I wondered how he had suddenly re-appeared without explanation…” Vetinari rested the paper on top of the others. “Commander Vimes, from Hogswatch until a week before the approach of Creator’s Birthday, you have approved for the expenses of Conscript Veritable Upshot, food, socks, Children’s Potions, the services of a dentist no less than seven times, a cord of slightly-used firewood, a tinned sheep’s head (extra eyeballs), four all-expense paid trips to the village of Bad Ass in Lancre, trips to the Watch and back home (presumably when they didn’t feel like walking in their new socks?), a nanny goat named ‘I-am-a-Goat’, a gross of pencils, primary schoolbooks, and a standing credit account to collect broken crockery from the Dwarves at the Rocanahadplyce Quarry and Tavern.”

Sam Vimes tilts his head. “What about all that, sir?”

Vetinari’s composure becomes exponential. Anyone else would be looking for the trapdoor to the dungeon by now—praying for it. “All of this. All of it. What would you do with a tinned sheep’s head anyway?”

“He was supposed to get one, and he was working for us and couldn’t get to market on time.”

“Extra eyeballs?”

“The most nutritious part, I’m told, sir. If you return the tin you get a refund, so it’s really the same price as regular.”

“Slightly used firewood?”

“It was in a fire.”

Lord Vetinari closes his eyes for a moment. “Why would someone name a goat I-am-a-Goat?”

“You’d have to ask Miss Weatherwax, I’m afraid. She said that was its name.”

“Miss Weatherwax. Not Wizard Weatherwax.”

“Never is, sir.”

“No. No, it never is.”

“You could ask her, sir. She’s not against questions from my experience.”

“But she is against the questions I tend to have.” Vetinari reminded him. “Is she behind the trips to Lancre?”

“I believe so. Something about treating poor eyesight.”

“Pencils? Schoolbooks?”

“We were taking away his time to finish schooling.”

“A grown man taking primary schooling?”

“He grew up in the Shades, sir. These things come late.”

“Broken crockery, Commander?”

“Yes, sir. He was keen to get his hands on some.”

“And you didn’t ask why?”

“He said he’d pay us back.”

“…Of course he did.”

Silence ticks on and on as the two opponents wait for the other man to speak. In the background lurked Drumknott, who wanted to know which man would crack, because he really did want to know the story behind a market for broken Dwarf crockery.

“What, Commander, do you predict will happen when the lowliest of the lowliest members of the Toymaker’s Sodality returns to his masters considerably richer than everyone else, with the exception of said Masters?”

“I can’t rightfully say, sir. Mightn’t they be happy for their poorest member?”

“They’re claiming you are willfully trying to bankrupt them, Commander, by luring their members to the Watch.”

Sam Vimes thinks that one over. “Coppers aren’t paid that much.” He points out. “But they have food on the table and they pay their taxes all the same.”

Vetinari steeples his fingers together. “A point, admittedly. Do you have anything you wish to pass on to them? I shall be glad to give them your words on the matter.”

“Oh, that would be fine, sir.” Sam pulls out his cigar, unlit, and clamped it in his teeth. “You can tell them that the Watch considers all members of the Toymaker’s Sodality their first choice for Conscription, seeing as how they are the only Sodality that doesn’t pay taxes.”

“They are in fact the only sodality in Ank-Morpork, Commander Vimes.”

“All the more important to set a good precedent, sir.”

“Are you, the father of a young child, declaring war on the toymakers, Commander?”

“Not at all.” Sam smiles. “But, see, the way I understand it…the Toymakers can’t enjoy the benefits of paying taxes. They’re last for medicines and road-cleanup, no emergency food boxes for the holidays, because all these things are funded by taxes. Now, it isn’t so bad when you reach Master’s Level, and you get an annual income of $500 a year plus your own house and expenses met…it’s the lower members that I worry about, sir, and while we do know that toymaking is a very honorable profession that brings much joy and quality of life to Ank-Morpork, we have a bit of a…surfeit of joy with the monies. It really is a shame that there isn’t a…redistribution of all this joy and quality of life so that it is more even for everyone else.”

Vetinari is so damn proud of Commander Vimes, it is all he can do to keep his disapproving calm on his face. “I shall be glad to summarize your observations. One last question before you go?”

“Sir?”

“Your requisitioned supplies were enough that you could have made more than two Siege Tables.” The Patrician rises and runs his fingers over the model city.

“Always better to make room for human error, sir.”

“Of course.”

*

It never takes Vetinari long once he has a chip in the power game. Before the week is out, the Toymakers announce a move forward into the future and pay taxes, secure in the knowledge that there are more ways than one in which one can generate joy and quality of life.

“Which they should have done long ago.” Lady Sybil sniffs over the teapot. “Now everyone there can afford to feed their little ones.”

“Yes, dear.” Sam happily crunches his bacon. She had the burn just right this morning.

“Oh, are those lovely children coming over for Creator’s Birthday?”

“We did invite ‘em. Both the parents said yes.”

“Splendid. I’ll make certain everyone has a little gift—something not so very practical for once; something pleasing for the self-esteem, like a nice schoolbag with lots of pockets, or diaries for writing.”

Sam is puzzled. “Isn’t something for the self-esteem practical? Well, I wouldn’t know.”

“No, dear. And we really ought to have something for our guests, seeing as how Young Sam will be getting the most outrageously extravagant gift of all.”

“Now that is practical, and I’m not really giving it to him, I’m just letting him play with it.”

“You’re giving a small child the use of a Siege Table?”

“Well,” Sam grumps, “He’ll be taking over for me someday…might as well be prepared.”

*

And this is why the Toymakers’ Sodality—that is, Guild, is less than enthused over the topic of Commander Sam Vimes.

But that little matter of ‘image royalties’ is a whole different story.

[torentialtribute]

Manchester United’s stars are great… at hiding behind their social media 

A shambling, insincere, lap of appreciation completed, the Manchester United players opened negotiations.

Paul Pogba took the direct approach, speaking to fans as he left the field. That didn't end well.

Alexis Sanchez meanwhile, went straight to the modern footballer's place of refuge in times of crisis. He posted on Instagram.

After Manchester United lost to relegated Cardiff, Alexis Sanchez apologized on Instagram

"The fans are the ones who deserve an apology as they always support you no matter what happens," Sanchez wrote.

"Personally, I didn't perform as much as I was expecting because of unpredictable injuries. Press and people were speculating about things that were not equally true. I was always a professional in all aspects. I apologize to the fans for not being able to achieve our goals. Nevertheless, we are Manchester United! "

On it went, about the club returning to the glory days, about the tough season just passed.

" Players and staff are questioning if we were doing the right thing and if we were giving our best for this football shirt, 'Sanchez added, as if commenting remotely, as if the desire of a player to try his hardest is not totally within the control of that individual.

It's all too easy now. It is all too pat. The apologies are in before the last man is out of the shower. Players like social media, they say, because it gives them the chance to talk to the fans directly, without the media and its agenda getting in the way – but players have an agenda, too.

Paul Pogba is a master on social media and is a frequent poster before and after matches

What is more apparent than ever is that some dressing rooms contain spin doctors who would not be out of place in Westminster. What follows the match is the seizing of the narrative. Get the apology in before the reviews are out. Get the crowd on your side.

Sanchez couldn't just make a United team that lost 2-0 at home to relegated Cardiff. If reports are correct, his club are ready to subsidize £ 12million or his wages just to be rid of him. Yet here he is, managing news in a way he could not manage matches.

Pogba is a smart operator, too. Manchester United talk about their players in terms of social media followings and hits, so it's no wonder they exploit the medium.

Performances reduce in importance. It's no longer how you play, but how you sell it in the aftermath.

Time was, there was only one way to avenge a lousy result, or a sub-standard individual showing. Do better next match. Play poorly on Saturday and there could be a week to stew and work on improvement.

In that period, there was no way of influencing your standing. A player had to go out and show them; prove himself again. What took place on the field was truly all that mattered.

Jose Mourinho is right to say United's problems are far greater than just the influence of Pogba

Not so now. First, there is the post-match apology. The one that claims to take responsibility, but doesn't really, because it talks about events as if they were observed, third-person.

Then, a few days later, there might be the narrative-changing image builder. An amusing clip from the dressing room, a fitness regime revealed, a trick with the ball, a prank on a team mate. The memory of that last match is cleverly erased.

Instead we are invited to think how hard an individual is working, how skilful he could be – if only the manager let him off the leash – or what a fun guy he is. Down to earth, likes a laugh – just like us, really. He's not a bad lad after all.

Suddenly, it's no longer about the next 90 minutes, it's 30 seconds on video, 140 characters, a picture caption. Posting it is so much less exhausting and waiting for the next game and putting on a show.

Jose Mourinho is right when he says Manchester United's shortcomings are not just about Pogba – but the modern social media star has helped create a culture that affords a free pass in exchange for a few glib sentences.

'I'm certain that United will return to the club, as it was in the old days with Mr Alex Ferguson , "Sanchez wrote.

It won't, though. United might be successful again, but it will be on different terms. The days of no apologies? Gone. Game management is now what happens after the final whistle.

Tottenham's title push just doesn't add up

Those who hope Tottenham can be turned into title contenders next season will be encouraged, no doubt, by the ground made up by Liverpool across one summer.

Liverpool finished 25 points shy of Manchester City in 2017-18, and one point short a year later. So it still wasn't enough – but it shows what can be done.

Liverpool, however, had a clearly mapped path. Just by turning draws with West Brom – home and away – Burnley, Everton, Stoke, Watford and Newcastle (or their promoted equivalents) into wins, they could claw back 14 points. They also had lost at relegated Swansea. So 17 points were available from matches with the lower lights.

Tottenham need one of the greatest improvements in the history of football to go for the title

Tottenham's upgrade is rather different. They need to make up 28 points to overtake Manchester City and need to convert losses, not draws, to wins. Not against the mugs, either.

Spurs lost to every team in the top seven and all bar two – Everton and Leicester – in the top 11. Upgrade the final-day draw with Everton to a home win and Tottenham still need 26 points. Meaning they must convert nine defeats into wins.

Even if we have presume victory over Watford, Wolves, Burnley, West Ham and Bournemouth, that still leaves Tottenham needing to win against four or five elite clubs. Their mission is far greater than Liverpool's.

It would need one of the greatest improvements in the history of football and no doubt, as incredible as their Champions League run has been, Mauricio Pochettino knows that, too.

Black managers can be fired too

The dismissals of Chris Hughton and Darren Moore were two of the resin hest of the season. Neither were sacked, however, for being black.

Indeed Moore's club, West Brom, are still in the market for a manager and one of the names at the top of their list is Hughton.

So, while Troy Townsend, head of development at Kick It Out, was understandably concerned at two high-profile black, Asian and minority ethnic (BAME) managers losing their jobs, his reaction to Hughton's sacking – that the situation was 'worse than square one' – was unhelpful.

Darren Moore was harshly sacked by promotion-chasing West Brom earlier this season "class =" blkBorder img-share "/>

Darren Moore or Chris Hughton's sackings were motivated by their race

If club owners fear there will be no pressure to retain a BAME manager once appointed, a door that is still more ajar than open will very quickly be shut.

No wonder Kick It Out swiftly apologized to Brighton for any insinuation that their judgment was racially motivated. Brighton are one of the most progressive clubs in the country and this decision, right or wrong, was solely about football.

If anything, West Brom replacing Moore was more controversial – and harder to justify, given their failure to win promotion through the playoffs.

We'll never know if sticking with Moore would have got West Brom up, but that call wasn't about race, either.

BAME managers will stop being anomalies in our game the day they can be hired and fired as irrationally as white men. The way to return to square one is to insist on making them special cases.

How can Italy call racism irrelevant?

Or 'objectively limited relevance'. This was the official Series A take on the monkey chants aimed at Moise Kean, and other black Juventus players, during their match at Cagliari on April 2. It means the club will receive no sanction.

Maybe something has been lost in translation because, if not, the implication is staggering. Are the league seriously saying that the chants, if viewed objectively, are irrelevant? This would then be imply that the same is true or most racist incidents.

They are invariably the work of a minority, and clubs are always quick to distance themselves from responsibility.

Lazio, where dubious ultra culture has been indulged for decades, spoke of 'the values ​​of sport that this club promoted and supported for 119 years' when fans unfurled a banner honoring Mussolini and chanted about bringing' a banana for Bakayoko 'during a match with AC Milan.

Yet other recent messages at Lazio matches have included' black team, Jewish supporters '- aimed at Roma – and' Auschwitz is your homeland; the ovens are your homes.

Maybe these banners were of objectively limited relevance, too – certainly to a league that has long been defaulted on any serious commitment to tackling racism.

Cagliari will face no punishment from Series A after their fans racially abused Moise Kean

There is considerable consternation about a song sung by Aston Villa fans in tribute to Tammy Abraham.

It is to the tune of Black Betty, an American folk song, popularized by Leadbelly and Ram Jam, among others. It starts: "Oh, black Tammy Abraham …"

Understandably, a load of white guys singing about "black Tammy" – briefly in acknowledgment of his excellence – is suspect.

Yet when gentiles at Tottenham shout about belonging to a Yid army, or just shout the word 'Yids' at the top of their voices, those who object are apparently missing some deep cultural affiliation.

Drug problem will haunt boxing

Well, that didn't last long. The world of boxing was outraged when Jarrell Miller tested positive for three performance-enhancing drugs ahead or his fight with Anthony Joshua.

His six-month spell was branded laughable, there was talk of death in the ring, the potential danger of fighting an artificially boosted opponent.

Then, this week, the same sport lapped up the latest knockout bolt, headline grabbing pronouncements or Tyson Fury, whose absence from boxing prior to his return against Deontay Wilder was no less suspicious.

Boxing pays lip service to the issue of performance enhancement and will one day reap the whirlwind. Our thoughts and prayers will be with the victim and his family in that sad time, as always.

Boxing's love of Tyson Fury shows the sport pays lip service to performance enhancement

Rory isn't wrapping himself in Irish flag

Within minutes of winning the 2011 US Open, a fan on and draped a flag around Rory McIlroy's shoulders.

McIlroy had duties a stride before looking down and seeing it was the Irish tricolor. One stride more and the flag was lying on the Congressional Country Club grounds. McIlroy marched on without turning back. His relationship with Ireland has always been complex.

So he should not be judged too harshly for the many twists and turns of his international career. The Irish Golf Association embraces north and south, but that is not necessarily true of McIlroy's fellow Ulstermen. The all-meant return to the Olympics was stress.

If McIlroy declared for Great Britain, he alienated Ireland. If he declared for Ireland, parts of his homeland would feel equally rejected. McIlroy said he felt British, then Irish, then decided to hell with it, made a bad excuse and didn't participate at all.

So, yes, it was something of a U-turn that he came out so strongly for Ireland this week, and spoke positively about representing them in 2020. Yet it is the logical choice.

In golfing terms, Great Britain ends at the sea, as it does with rugby. McIlroy isn't wrapping himself in a tricolor by playing for Ireland. He's just being true to the golfing culture that nurtured him.

Why Bassini cost Bolton 12 points

What a rotten disservice Laurence Bassini did Bolton. It was mid-April when the sale of the club to the former Watford owner was first agreed, so one presume his interest was known long before that.

At the time, the club had entered administration, the 12- point deduction with the Football League would have come into the Championship. Bolton would have been relegated, but were going down anyway.

With the sale dragging on, however, Bolton entered administration after the season ended – meaning they start with minus 12 in League One. Bassini still claims he is interested but if he couldn't get the deal done a month ago, what has changed?

Since then, Bolton's financial crisis has been worsened – a food bank has been set up to help impoverished staff – and the Football League punishment makes them considerably less attractive to potential buyers. Bassini left them incalculably worse off, and didn't even set foot in the place.

Laurence Bassini (center) has left Bolton worse off after they were placed into administration

Damir Skomina, or Slovenia, will be referee this year's Champions League final, assisted by his countrymen Jure Praprotnik and Robert Vukan.

Given that the average gate of Slovenian league matches this season is 1,468 and there are some clubs in the top division that attract fewer than 400, one can only marvel at the ability of Skomina and his assistants to perform unruffled in front of vociferous crowds or tens of thousands.

The Slovenian-born president of UEFA, Aleksander Ceferin must be equally proud, too. What a happy quirk or fate that Skomina's rise to the very top of his professional should coincide with his own.

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Raheem Sterling is in title-winning – 10 THINGS WE LEARNED from the Premier League

The Premier League threw up the usual talking points and drama about the weekend

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Manchester City and Liverpool both kept pace in the title race while Arsenal beat Manchester United to take their place in the top four.

Here, AMITAI WINEHOUSE assesses 10 things we learned from the fifth weekend of the Premier League season …

     Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang scored Arsenal's second as they beat Man United on Sunday

1. Man's City and relentless Sterling's run is title-winning material

This relentless Manchester City is right next to Liverpool, are the team to stop in the title race.

They have now won 10 of their last 11 games in the Premier League – with victories in their last six matches. And with main man Raheem Sterling in tow, they do not look like losing any time.

Sterling has now scored in 52 games for City, not losing any of those. If they keep him among the goals, it was on Saturday, they are easily the favorites for the title.

                   Raheem Sterling (2nd right) is congratulated by his team-mates after scoring against Watford

2. Main man Mane is keeping Liverpool in the race

But Liverpool is not giving up and is being led by one person in particular – Sadio Mane.

He became the fifth Liverpool player to score in six consecutive home appearances in the Premier League, after Michael Owen, Fernando Torres, Luis Suarez and Mohamed Salah, on Sunday.

While Salah is dipping off and Roberto Firmino only found his goalscoring feet again against Burnley, Mane has seen them through a tricky patch in their push for the title. It's as important as anyone to their hopes.

                   Sadio Mane celebrates after scoring Liverpool's fourth goal against Burnley on Sunday

3. Arsenal are whipping boys no more – and that could see them in top four

It used to be 'Lads, it's Spurs'. Over the last few years, some big six managers must have been tempted to give the team talk: 'Lads, it's Arsenal'.

Not anymore. Arsenal are now among the top sides. They have 12 points from six teams, double the amount they did in Arsene Wenger's last season.

That's a difference maker in the chase for the Champions League. If they get it, it'll have come from games against teams like Manchester United. Finally they can compete on the big occasions.

     Arsenal manager Unai Emery applauds his player's victory over United

4. Chelsea no longer bat small teams aside

Chelsea have lost the steel needed to beat their top six rivals under Maurizio Sarri but their capacity to be flat-track bullies has also deserted them.

They have failed to win two of their last four home games against newly promoted sides. That is not what they are going to do.

If they are out of the Champions League weaker sides.

     David Luiz (left) and Eden Hazard look after falling behind at Wolves at Stamford Bridge

5. Spurs' sorry spell needs sorting before top four slips away

Something is clearly up with Spurs. Their defeat at Southampton was only the second time they have lost three games in the Premier League under Mauricio Pochettino.

They have lost two of their last four Premier League games when leading at half-time, compared to one in 51 previously.

Whatever is amiss needs to be sorted. Whether it is overconfidence or a lack of drive – even the beginning of the cycle – it could see them miss out on the top four.

     Tottenham boss Mauricio Pochettinio looks on his team's defeat to Southampton

6. Ryan Fraser should be on the radar of the top sides

Bournemouth have a number of players that will be on the biggest side of the Premier League, from Callum Wilson to David Brooks. They will cost big money.

A savvy transfer guru might have eye up Ryan Fraser, though. After their win at Huddersfield he has 10 assists, Lionel Messi and Eden Hazard, in Europe's top five leagues, have more, with 11 apiece.

At 25-years-old he seems to be hitting the top level. Do not be surprised to see him moving in the summer.

     Ryan Fraser (right) attempts to dribble fits Eric Durm during Saturday's clash at Huddersfield

7. Vardy and Maddison need to be at heart of Rodgers' thoughts

If Brendan Rodgers needs his Leicester side around, he got it against Fulham.

Jamie Vardy scored his 100th goal for Leicester in the 3-1 win, and he has really got back to top form since Claude Puel went.

Not only that, but James Maddison set him up – the third of his last four assists that leg for Vardy. They have a dynamic attacking duo that can work in tandem to push the Foxes up the table.

     Jamie Vardy (R) celebrates with James Maddison after putting his side ahead against Fulham

8. Newcastle on the March in March again

Set your watch by it. At this time of the season, Rafa Benitez's Newcastle simply did not lose games at home.

Their brilliant comeback against Everton was their fifth straight win at St. James' Park, a run that has seen them pull away from the relegation pack. On this weekend last season, they won the second game of four wins at home in a row.

That helped them stay in the Premier League. This timed spell is clearly intentional and may just be the same this campaign.

     Newcastle players celebrate after Ayoze Perez (3rd R) scored their third goal against Everton

9. Consistency deserts West Ham – and needs to be fixed in

More than anything, what Manuel Pellegrini will need to give West Ham next season is consistency.

They are still too heavily impacted by the up and down nature or mid-table Premier League football. They have, for example, not won in six away games after three wins on the road before that.

West Ham have had good patches, but now we have to spread it all over the world.

     Manuel Pellegrini looks on during West Ham's defeat to Cardiff in Wales on Saturday

10. Lack of home comforts could spell end for Hodgson

There are murmurings of opposition to Roy Hodgson among the Crystal Palace fans – and their home form is not helping.

They have just one of their last seven games at Selhurst Park and only picked up 39 per cent or their points at their own ground – the lowest in the Premier League. It is a tough sell for any fan to know the team can do better than how they perform where you see them most frequently.

If Hodgson wants to stay and move forward Palace forward, Selhurst Park is the place for improvements.

     Crystal Palace boss Roy Hodgson looks disappointed during his side's defeat to Brighton

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Newcastle sensation Sean Longstaff on his rapid rise

Sean Longstaff is revisiting the moment he with Newcastle United 's academy coaches to discuss his first professional contract. Except, there was no professional contract. They did not think he was good enough.

That was less than three years ago. Today, the 21-year-old is one of the most talked about young footballers in the country and is being touted for England.

He will learn this week if he has the likes of Paul Pogba and Sergio Aguero to the February Player of the Month prize, but he will also discover the extent of the knee injury at West Ham on Saturday

     Sean Longstaff has excelled just claiming his place in Rafa Benitez's Newcastle United side

     Today, the 21-year-old is one of the most talked about young footballers in the country

     Longstaff will visit a specialist on Wednesday after picking up a knee injury against West Ham

He will visit a specialist on Wednesday and there remains hope days as opposed to weeks

If it is the latter, he will cope. Setbacks have served as motivation before.

'I remember the Under-23s coaches saying, "You're not one of the top players, we're just going to give you a scholarship," says the midfielder. , who joined his hometown club aged seven.

'I was 18, I wanted to be a first-year pro. I had an opinion of myself but theirs was different. It was not nice to hear, it pays you a bit.

'It was not about the money. Saying that, I went on loan to Kilmarnock at £ 300 a week – after tax and stuff I literally had nothing left.

'But it motivated me. I would like to go back and say to those coaches, "You're wrong, I'll be the one who kicks on and makes it." "Only I could change that opinion."

Longstaff has certainly done that. As for opinion of him now, Alan Shearer and Gary Lineker are tweeting praise on a weekly basis.

'I was in shock when they first did that, I did not know how to respond, it was crazy, 'he says.

Crazy is one word to describe Longstaff's emergence. He spent last season on loan at League One Blackpool and only his Premier League debut as a substitute at Liverpool on Boxing Day. Were it not for injuries to senior team mates, he would be back out on loan now

Instead, he has started the last 11 matches – scoring twice – a run in which four straight home victories have saved Newcastle's season, and that is why Rafa Benitez is desperate for good news on his injury.

                        The midfielder made his debut on Boxing Day when he found a substitute at Anfield

     Two years ago, while on loan at Scottish side Kilmarnock, he was just £ 300 a week

One of those, a 2-1 win over Manchester City, saw Pep Guardiola applaud Longstaff after he outwitted both Fernandinho and Kevin De Bruyne

Life, he agrees, has changed beyond the space of just two months.

'I have not changed, I'm still the same lad who lives at home with my mom, brother and sister, 'he says, younger sibling Matthew also on the books at Newcastle.

' But yeah, other things have changed. It's all a bit strange, I was not expecting this. The other morning I was leaving the house and the shopping was getting delivered. The Sainsbury's delivery guy was like, "Are you …?". So we got a selfie.

'I could not help him with the bags though, I was already late for training!'

If Longstaff has his duties aback by his sudden arrival on the big stage – he was never a player trumpeted for greatness – then it's the question: how has he been so good?

'I do not know!' he laughs, somewhat embarrassed. 'I think going to a higher level has me, being around better players.

' I went in with an open mindset and perhaps a bit of naivety, which is not a bad thing. I think, "You've always dreamed of being here, you might as well get it down." I think that has given me freedom. "

A genuine question: his preferred foot?

'My right, but both feel natural. It started when I was 13. I realized, "I'm not going to fit five payers and score", so for me it was about having something different, and being two-footed was it. I pride myself on that now. "

Longstaff has won comparison to Michael Carrick and plays as far as everyone else sees in slow motion, so much time does he have on the ball.

That's just the way I look, I'm a laid-back person. As much as it might look easy, in my head, believe me, it's going a million miles an hour! '

     Pep Guardiola applauded Longstaff after he outwitted Manchester City at the end of January

Longstaff's head was in a spin when Benitez told him he was going on at Anfield. His dad David, the former Great Britain ice hockey star, was in the way and he was so emotional was he when fans greeted his son's introduction with a chorus of, 'Sean Longstaff, he's one of our own

It was a bit too much for the young man on the touchline

'It was weird, this moment you've imagined all your life, and all you' re thinking is, "I hope I do not fall over!". It's something you do everyday, literally run in a straight line. I even tied my shorts ridiculously tight because I did not want them fall down.

'The staff were passing on messages, which went into one ear and straight out the other. I ran on and thought, "I need to tell someone something, but I do not know who and I do not know what!".

Then he heard the song.

"I've been chanting about Newcastle players in the crowd myself. You then think, "Hold on, this one's about me". I just stopped and looked around, "Wow, this is unbelievable". I went numb. It gives you chills. "

Very few diners at the Miller & Carter steakhouse on Newcastle's Mosley Street last October." "They brought a big cake out …"

'They brought a big cake out … it was the last thing I wanted, "says Longstaff, remembering his 21st celebrations with his family. "I hate being the center of attention."

He best get used to it. The good news for Newcastle fans is that we have no desire to move on.

'If someone had told me when I was 10 you had to do that, I would have quit football! That's about the furthest from my comfort zone I can be. "

What did he sing?

     Longstaff was speaking to Sportsmail's Craig Hope about his rapid rise at St James' Park

     He scored his first goal at home in the Premier League against Burnley in February

'Love Yourself by Justin Bieber … I know. I'm just thankful it's done, I'm never changing clubs now. "

Where Longstaff is more at ease, it would seem, is at home in North Shields. Rather than hit the town, it was there that he returned after his man-of-the-match performance against City, 'all of us watching and talking up' before retiring to his bedroom, 'still wide awake', to play on his Xbox.

'My mom still tells me to get it off,' he smiles. 'But the lads say as much as possible, especially if my moms doing all the cooking and cleaning.

' I love having my brother there as well. We help each other so much with our football. There are rows, and that can wind the dog up a bit, but it's a fun house to be in. '

Home could well have been Sweden for the Longstaffs. They moved to Stockholm for a year when David signed for Djurgardens, the country's biggest team.

'Me and Matty would probably be playing ice hockey if we'd stayed. Even after that, we were tempted to follow Dad. When we watched him we thought it was amazing, and that's all we knew.

'But Dad was great, he saw we were better at football and pushed us towards that – it was the right decision!'

     Sean's father – David – was an international ice hockey player for Great Britain

David, now player coach or Whitley Warriors, is an imposing character, a thickset frame in contrast to the wiry build of his eldest son. That is perhaps why the boys were not too worried when their dad got into one of those infamous on-ice fights.

'You do not want to beat him up … but he's a pretty big bloke, I knew he could handle himself. "

Longstaff not only has a sporting dad with more than 100 international caps to lean on, he also has 'Uncle Alan', the former Newcastle, Celtic and England midfielder Alan Thompson.

So what a piece of Thompson's advice does he value most?

'Pass forward,' says Longstaff. It is a fascinating insight and explains what it is about.

'He says it's easy to come in and pass sideways or backwards. He's always told me that I'm good enough to play at this level. He tells me to be good. I rely on him a lot. "

While Longstaff looks up to Uncle Alan – his dad's cousin – he's discovering what it's like to be a role model himself, especially for his 18-year-old brother, who is played alongside the Under-23s this season.

     Longstaff's father is cousins ​​with the former Celtic and Bolton midfielder Alan Thompson

'I want to show him that it's possible, that if you keep working you deserve. I think he's a great player. He's similar to me, he has more tackles and gets around, he's easy to play with.

'It makes you proud. I would love for him to go further than me in his career. "

It sounds like a future midfield pairing.

'I agree! It worked in the 23s and he could definitely break through. That would be the ultimate dream. "

We have delayed talk of England. But be it the Under-21s or seniors, a call-up will arrive at some point.

'If it happens then great, it will not affect me if it does not. I've never been with England so I am used to not being involved.

'My age group is strong, they won the World Cup in 2017, so it's strange seeing my name linked. I suppose it shows the progress I've made. "

Longstaff has come a long way since being told he was not good enough.

     Longstaff has been keeping the likes of Jonjo Shelvey out of the starting line-up at Newcastle

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