#i went to a comicon with my mom when i was 12 and i asked michael dorn what his favorite series was ds9 or tng and bret spiner was like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cosmosogler · 7 years

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hi.

last night my brother screamed at his computer until around 1:30 even though i went to bed at 12:45. i finally dozed off around 2.

when my alarm went off at 9 i was so tired from not sleeping and from comicon that i slept in for 45 minutes. my brother was already up and screaming at his computer by 9.

i took a shower... needed to get the glitter from yesterday off. i scrubbed a little bit before bed last night but dumping water on myself for 20 minutes helped more. mom made french toast. i got real sick after trying it.

i mostly bummed around watching youtube videos until 12:30 when i needed to start getting ready for therapy. i got to the facility on time and filled out the daily check in stuff and blah blah blah. i really didn’t want to go, but i wanted to interact with mom and dad less than that. dad already had some judgmental things to say as i was leaving. something about honoring our veterans.

i tried to avoid over-participating in therapy today but got kind of dog piled during my check in. i kept it focused on what i did and not how i felt. i think that kept everyone pretty distracted. the therapist commented that i had done up my nails and looked really good and it was good to see me taking care of myself. i said i only did it for the costume but she didn’t respond or look like she had heard me.

also i feel even worse than usual so i thought maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring that up just to rain on their parade.

that sounds really, really stupid when i write it and look at what i just wrote.

but i didn’t want to be dour just for the sake of riling them up! i did that dumb thing where i would recount something bad that happened and laugh and then apparently immediately stop smiling. the therapist says i do that a lot. she said nobody else is laughing with me and i was thinking “just let me have this.”

sooo... we talked about boundaries today and co-dependence, which are important to talk about. more direct communication. how some people have rigid boundaries and some have porous, and in different situations, and how that can get out of control. i said i felt like i had porous boundaries and then the therapist was all “i see you as more of a rigid-boundaries person” and rated it 70/30. she asked if i had ever been open and honest with anyone which created a great launch pad for a list of people who snubbed me.

i need to be more direct about what i need from therapy. but i really, REALLY don’t want to spend 3 hours complaining about people i don’t like. which seems to be necessary to explain why i don’t like people.

i guess nobody knew that mom used to beat me when i was little because everyone got kind of quiet when i mentioned it when we were talking about physical boundaries. i forgot to mention that i had already called child services when i brought up she maybe hits my brother too... maybe wednesday.

um... i refused to participate when we talked about sexual boundaries.

and i talked about how i don’t really feel anything when i do big favors for people. like when i drove leah to the hospital and stayed there with her all night. she never even thanked me. and... i mean, it’s hard to thank someone in that situation.

well, no it’s not... i didn’t have trouble thanking bradley or hogan when they drove me to and from the hospital back in january.

mm.

and thinking about everything i did for craig for literally nothing makes me too furious to think about anything else so i will try to avoid that road for now. maybe later.

now i’m getting angry about other stuff. i poured my heart and soul into my relationship with jim. i did everything i could to communicate clearly and be open and trust as best i could (maybe not incredible amounts of trust, but, enough to expect him to tell me when things weren’t working out any more). and he DITCHED ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i spent 12 years of my life being friends with that guy. do you know how much growing it took for me to start being able to have actual, like, friendship activities with him? how hard i worked to learn how to be a good friend and treat people better?

i’m not saying he owes me anything. but, like, a “this isn’t working, i’d like to stop talking for a while” would have been nice.

but no.

the therapist says i spend a lot of my time living in the past, and yeah... i have trouble letting go of my anger and frustration. i feel like if i don’t hold on to it and etch it into myself it won’t have been real. if i stop being angry everyone just gets relieved and smooths it over and goes back to their lives. “forgive and forget,” the christian school kids used to sneer at me after, like, spitting on me. that happened.

i can’t forgive or forget because that would be letting the bullies win. and i’m stubborn and hate when bad people get away with everything. that’s probably why i can’t let go of the craig stuff either. because i was a bad person, so i got what i deserved. and i have to remind myself of that every day, because that’s justice.

that and isn’t an aspect of ptsd, like, being stuck reliving the same events over and over even if you don’t want to any more? i mean, i get flashbacks. i don’t know if they’re real memories or not any more... but sometimes they come on and i literally cannot focus on anything that is happening in the present because i can feel what happened. the thoughts just kind of waltz in, ruin my day, and then leave, and then my day is ruined and i’m frustrated because it wasn’t real that time and i’m letting it ruin my day.

and, i feel like, if i don’t let it ruin my life, then that makes what happened ok, because it’s fine now!!! it doesn’t matter what happened, because it’s not happening any more!!! like the crime never happened, because the evidence is eroded out. but it did happen. and until someone who was there fricking acknowledges that it happened it needs to stay right where it is and FESTER until it smells so bad they have to recognize it.

does that make me feel better? no. but justice. i can’t sit back and say “well, karma will get him someday,” because that’s super vague and probably won’t actually happen because good things always happen to bad people. even hitler wasn’t brought to justice. he just killed himself. and his family. he never had to sit and look at what he did.

it feels wrong to move on unless something changes, or the event becomes real.

things i see/hear/whatever aren’t real. i can’t ever be sure if i’m experiencing reality or not. someone else has to tell me they’re seeing the same thing for me to be sure it really happened.

it’s not even that i have hallucinations or anything. it’s just... my sense of reality is so skewed from people being nasty to me that i cannot tell if my memories are real or not. and i know some of them aren’t, because that’s just how brains are wired. some of my earliest childhood memories, even the really sharp ones like the kicking and the beating and the screaming, have details that i’m sure just aren’t true. like what color the walls were. what time of year it was. what the floor was made out of. how big mom actually was compared to me.

just like i can’t remember for sure if there were actually other people in the room or not with the craig stuff.

but if there weren’t other people there, then like half of my anger is totally fake. and that’s awful to think about.

and like... i could always just reaffirm to myself that everything i think is true. but not everything i think is true, that’s the nature of being alive and learning things and changing your understanding, and i can’t deliberately lie to myself. things aren’t ok.

and i feel like people who haven’t experienced that can’t understand how it feels. when someone else spends years ungluing your reality, you can’t really just stick it back on the wall. you can’t put your sense of reality back together without seeing the glue holding it there. and it’s so artificial that it’s just not the same as having real confidence. cracked mirrors still work, of course, but their functionality is irreparably changed. you become aware that you are looking in a mirror, and a damaged one at that. if you look in a regular mirror you just see your reflection. but with the cracked mirror, you see the glass that your reflection is coming from.

i don’t know how to reasonably convey this to my therapist during the span of a single check in... i don’t know how to say what i want to say, or what direction i would like to go in now, so i don’t bring up anything, and then i don’t get help, so i can’t figure out how to say what i want to say. cool.

should i just... print this out and hand it to her? that is alarmingly direct, and also risky, as i have to use dad’s computer to print everything. so the file will be on his computer unless i delete it and then suspiciously clear his printer history and also his recycle bin.

i mean, he’ll probably think it’s porn, but i don’t want him thinking that either!!!

and it could potentially take away from other group members’ time, because this is freakishly long already and i haven’t even gotten to my evening activities. i could give it to her during a break i guess.

after therapy i resolved to, well, resolve some of the communication issues i’m having with my family with the chores and the screaming. so i got a chore chart! and several different-colored markers for my family members to choose from. when i got home i explained it to mom. i think she is already not using it how i had hoped.

i also bought myself a chocolate mint mocha and too late i realized i had not specified that i wanted decaf. so i had the jitters for several hours after that. i tried to keep the explosion confined to asher’s chat window. i appreciate that he also sat through the mood crash afterward.

i saw the steven universe event. i have a soft spot for really mean, really insecure characters sometimes... i really want to talk to someone about it but i am Afraid of The Discourse. i have a lot of thoughts about pearl too but i don’t post them here because i don’t want... well, random people looking at my journal. even though it is public. i’m just not in a very good position right now to participate in huge discussions.

my favorites are of course the ones with the overblown egos. they are SO CONFIDENT. i wish i could believe in myself that much.

i gotta get up around 7:30 tomorrow to go get my hida scan. according to the google i can bring my ipod, thank god.

oh, that reminds me. i spent most of the morning talking to gilbert. we just chatted about whatever came up. harry potter, archie comments, the terrifying archie cartoon i saw when i was a wee babby. it scarred me for life. i was so scared of jughead, i swear to god.

(the humor/script was the real thing to be scared of. i watched an episode today. there ain’t nothing wrong with jughead.)

so i gotta try to sleep now. i’m gonna yell at my brother to shut the hell up when he plays league of legends so i can get some shuteye for once. i, of course, will then not be able to fall asleep anyway, because that’s just how it works.

i guess i should find a way to print that stuff i wrote out. there’s no way i’ll be able to say it in group. and i think i have gotten to some stuff that we might be able to work on instead of “angery” and “i hate everyone,” which are not things i can easily work with.

oh, the therapist’s recommendation for what i should do to get close to people again was “make a new friend.” i started grinding my teeth.

i neglected to download all the cool music i found over the last few weeks... i will have to find something else to listen to during my hours on the scanning table. maybe i can mash a few soundtracks together on the way over to the imaging department. i need to tell dad i don’t actually know how to get to the hospital.

anyway, later. i hope you guys are having a better time than i am. that’s not setting the bar very high though.

oh, one more thing. i neglected to do any therapy homework over the weekend. my reasoning was, “if i am incapable of working hard in a way that will be helpful to me, then why waste my time.” i mean, i don’t have anything else to do, but it is less frustrating to talk about music theory with an acquaintance than it is to “phone in” yet another therapy work sheet. i worded it better when i was talking to asher... it’s too late to go into that now. i need to try to rest. i got individual therapy tomorrow and i need to make the most use of that ~45 minutes that i can.

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thedrowsydoormouse · 5 years

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Blame @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam for this long ass post!

1. What’s your first name?

Marilyn

2. How old are you?

3. Where do you live?

California (near Hollywood)

4. How tall are you?

6′1/2″

5. What colour is your hair?

a really pretty purple-y red

6. Do you have any siblings? If so are they younger or older than you?

I have a bunch of siblings. One is older and all the others are younger.

7. What time is it for you right now?

7:30-ish

8. Can you dance?

I should hope so considering I’ve been doing it for about 21 years now!

9. Do you have any pets? What are their names and species?

I have an adorable doggo named Zorro!

10. What is your eye colour?

Blue in the way the sea looks during a storm which is a total cliche but also very accurate!

11. Are you in a relationship?

Yes

12. Have you ever been in a relationship?

Many many relationships which were almost all huge mistakes.

13. What is your sexuality?

Pansexual

14. What is your type?

It really varies depending on gender but the one universal thing is dark hair and light eyes.

15. Have you had your first kiss?

Considering I’m married, yes!

16. Have you had a sexual experience with same gender?

Once in high school.

17. Have you had a sexual experience with someone of a different gender?

Many, many times.

18. What is your ideal date?

Disneyland during the Halloween season.

19. Are you a romantic?

Very much so!

20. Who is your celebrity crush?

I have way too many to list but right now my phone wallpaper is a pic of Alex Calvert from comicon this past weekend.

21. Do you like to draw?

I used to love it but going to art school in college kind of ruined it for me which makes me really sad but I just don’t find joy in it anymore. Now it just stresses me out. Hopefully that changes after a while.

22. Are you a good singer?

I love singing and the people I live with say I sound good but I think it’s all kind of subjective. I can carry a tune and stay on pitch and sometimes, if I’m really lucky and my emotions are right and all the stars are aligned, I can get a good amount of power behind it and really belt out when I sing which makes me really happy!

23. What was your best subject at school?

I was always amazing at anything creative so things like art, acting, dance, music, photography, creative writing (is it obvious I went to private school).

24. Do you enjoy physical activity?

I love some kinds. I could spend the rest of my life dancing all day and be the happiest girl you’ve ever met. I also like walking if I’m shopping or walking around Disneyland. And I get pretty physical when I’m cooking because I’m running around the kitchen doing like 12 things at once! Outside of that me and physical activity are not friends!

25. Have you ever done a marathon?

Never have, never will.

26. What is your favourite activity?

Dancing. Many people have said I light up even when I’m just talking about it! My husband just said he could tell I was thinking about dance because I started grinning like an idiot while typing this!

27. Have you ever traveled over seas?

No, but I plan to someday. I love traveling and seeing as much of the world as I can!

28. What would you consider your best skill?

Calming my mom down when she’s having one of her classic freak outs. I’m the only one who can get her to just chill out!

29. Favourite childhood movie?

Princess Bride! I still have to show it to Jack so I’ll probably be watching it later tonight!

30. What is your best quality?

I had to ask Jack about this because I didn’t want to sound too stuck up or full of myself. He says my strength.

31. What is your biggest fandom?

Considering my wedding band has an anti-possession symbol on it I’m going to say Supernatural.

32. What fandoms are you apart of?

Supernatural, Good Omens, Doctor Who, Lucifer, and a few others I can’t really think of or can’t list without taking an hour to type this up!

33. What is your favourite head cannon about anything?

Sam got super jealous when he found out Gabe and Rowena slept together.

34. Who is your all time favourite book character?

Westley from Princess Bride. I like to think I married the real life version of him!

35. Do you read smutty or fluffy fanfiction? (or fanfiction at all?)

Give me all the fanfic all the time!

36. What is your favourite book?

Princess Bride! I read it in middle school ad it still stuck with me.

37. Why did you choose that particular username?

I was studying fashion design, the guy I was with at the time always called me “Ducky” and I was 18 and in 12th grade.

38. Do you play video games? What is your favourite?

I have spent god knows how much time playing Sims 4 building houses and sims based on my favorite tv characters and some of my closest friends.

39. What is your all time least favourite fan theory or head cannon about anything?

That Lucifer would’ve been a good father to Jack. We already saw that he only wanted to use and control him so I can safely assume he would’ve been even worse than Dean was before Cas came back.

40. Star Wars or Star Trek?

Star Trek (she says while her husband yells “Star Wars” from across the room)!

41. What is your saddest experience?

I went though a month and a half long depression spiral when they announced season 15 of Supernatural would be the last which got even worse when I read what had happened to Jack in the season 14 finale.

42. If you could apologise to anyone at all right now, who would you choose and why?

Jack because I kept him up all night last week when there was a shadow demon thing standing outside my door that I could tell was scared of Jack so I used him as a pseudo human shield thing!

43. What makes you fizz up (get angry)?

When people are close minded. I ruined last Christmas because my great aunt wouldn’t stop being a bigot so I yelled at her and screamed “fuck you” in a crowded Chili’s!

44. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Many times. And I’ve won every single one. I’m scrappy af and very light on my feet!

45. What is something you would change about yourself and why?

I would put more money in my bank account because a bunch of stores are starting to bring out their Halloween stuff and I want need all of it!

46. Describe the last dream/nightmare you remember having?

The shadow demon from outside my room was trying to strangle me (like hand around my neck lifting me off the floor so my feet were kicking like in the movies). I woke up and couldn’t breathe with Jack leaning over me looking genuinely terrified.

47. What are you like offline?

Pretty much the same as I am on here. Maybe a bit more bouncy and bubbly but that kind of stuff doesn’t really transfer to online unless I’m in a video on like youtube or twitch or something.

48. What is your biggest secret?

I think I caused the deaths of not only my first grade teacher but also one of the girls a couple years behind me in middle school and one of my classmate’s father.

49. Have you ever committed a crime?

I stole a lip gloss when I was about 3 or 4. Also so much jaywalking.

50. What is your most controversial belief?

I don’t know how controversial this would seem to my followers but trans women are 100% women and trans men are 100% men and asexuality is a real thing that 100% belongs in the LGBTQ+ community.

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theliterateape · 5 years

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Why The MCU Is a Crowning Achievement (and Why Endgame is So Cool)

By Don Hall

I remember learning to read from Marvel comic books.

The Fantastic Four. Spider-Man. The X-Men. The Avengers.

I learned my words from them. I started with the pictures and would ask my mom what the words meant and she’d patiently walk me through enough of them that my interpretive skills honed in on the stories of ordinary people gifted and cursed with enormous abilities doing their best to navigate their relationships while alternately saving the world over and over became the mantra of my upbringing.

First and foremost, my literary education from Marvel comics spawned a love for science fiction in general. I read Asimov’s Foundation trilogy in fifth grade. I didn’t understand whole sections of them but I read them nonetheless. By the time I was in sixth grade, Huxley’s Brave New World, Vonnegut’s The Sirens of Titan, and Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? sat on a shelf next to The Amazing Spider-Man #206 (Peter Parker Goes WILD!), The Avengers #181 (Still Only 35¢!!), and the King Size Special Fantastic Four (Twice as Many Pages! Twice as Many Thrills!).

When I was eight years old in 1974, my first black girlfriend and I bonded over our mutual love of Luke Cage. When I was nine, Mike Eddie (who was two years older and a bit of a juvenile delinquent) and I would go out to an abandoned housing project and kick in the drywall in reenact Wolverine vs. Hulk fights. He was a foot taller than I but I was always the Hulk.

The 1981 release of Fantastic Four #232 (“Back to Basics”) introduced John Byrne to the storyline and I lived through the trauma of Reed Richards and Susan Storm having a miscarriage, the Thing quitting the team and She-Hulk becoming his replacement. The formation of the West Coast Avengers. Vision marrying the Scarlet Witch. Jean Grey becoming the Dark Phoenix. The Giant-Sized crossover team ups with splash pages that were huge, epic and often included almost everyone battling things out on the same canvas.

Sometime around my sophomore year in high school, my boxes and boxes of comics (none in any kind of sale-able shape because I’d read each one so many times they all looked like they’d been, well, read a hundred times by a grubby, dirty kid) went into the basement. I was in high school and the social weight was just too important.

“Just because you have superpowers, that doesn’t mean your love life would be perfect. I don’t think superpowers automatically means there won’t be any personality problems, family problems, or even money problems. I just tried to write characters who are human beings who also have superpowers.” — Stan Lee

Sure, I read DC comics as well but they seemed sillier to me. Batman was cool but he was super rich and I had little in common with Bruce Wayne. Not like I did with Peter Parker. I enjoyed Superman but the existence of Krypto and Mister Mxyzptlk felt more comic and less book. That said, in 1978, when Christopher Reeve flew and saved the world by spinning time backward, I felt like the movie was made just for me. So much so that in 2006 when I saw the homage to Reeve and 1978 in Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns, I bawled like a baby as the credits and music started the film. Unlike almost everyone else on the planet, I loved and love Superman Returns.

More than Star Trek, more than Star Wars, it has been the creation of the Marvel Cinematic Universe that has been the filmic journey I’ve been waiting for since I started to use language. The many attempts at the Fantastic Four onscreen have been pretty much crap yet I still kind of loved them anyway. The first time I saw Hugh Jackman bar fighting as Logan in Singer’s X-Men movie, an electricity went up my spine and the hair on my neck stood up because here, finally, was a real life version of the character I had followed for decades.

For a moment, let’s look at the ridiculous improbability of Marvel’s achievement.

What became known as the Marvel Era (when the comics company went from being known as Atlas Comics to Marvel) began in 1961 with the launch of The Fantastic Four. A lot can be said (and has been) about Stan Lee but with his incredible sense of timing, he introduced superheroes designed for an adult audience rather than the silliness of earlier comics creations. His heroes were not gods or from outer space (at least not at first) — they were humans gifted with extraordinary powers who still squabbled, dealt with betrayal, the consequences of fame, paying bills, self-doubt, depression, alienation on societal levels. His heroes grappled with the assassination of Kennedy, with the Vietnam War, and the Civil Rights Movement.

Marvel invented the ComiCon in 1975. They created their own Code when the Comics Code started restricting storylines about drug abuse and civil rights. The multiverse of crossovers was intense but by the middle of the 1990s, Marvel filed for bankruptcy. The industry was glutted and the Marvel Universe was too unwieldy. In 1998, with new money, the Marvel Entertainment Group was formed, pulled the company out of red ink, and cooperated with outside movie studios to create the Blade Trilogy, X-Men, and Raimi’s Spider-Man triptych. The first Marvel film was in 1944 with a fifteen-chapter serial featuring Captain America, and the company didn’t revisit the movies until 1986 with Howard the Duck. In 1989 and 1990 they gave us The Punisher and another shot at Captain America, both turds.

The cinematic attempts were spotty and infrequent and were, with a few exceptions, unremarkable.

Then came Iron Man. Kevin Feige saw the film and decided on the post-credits sequence introducing Samuel Jackson as Nick Fury and the most improbably huge series of cinematic dominos came into play.

“The Avengers films, ideally, in the grand plan are always big, giant linchpins. It’s like as it was in publishing, when each of the characters would go on their own adventures and then occasionally team up for a big, 12-issue mega-event. Then they would go back into their own comics, and be changed from whatever that event was. I envision the same thing occurring after this movie, because the Avengers roster is altered by the finale of this film.” — Kevin Feige

When 2012’s The Avengers finally arrived, it was as if I had been waiting my entire life for it.

Twenty-one movies. Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, The Hulk. Ant Man, Black Widow, Dr. Strange, Hawkeye. The Falcon, War Machine, Captain Marvel. The Black Panther, The Winter Soldier, Loki, The Guardians of the Galaxy. Spider-Man. A collective $18.6 billion in ticket sales. All one giant continuous storyline. All leading up to a singular massive crossover film.

There are some duds in the mix. The first two Thor films were lackluster but the decision to keep him in the MCU lead to Thor: Ragnarok, which is one of the best films in the twenty-one complete with a reference to the Planet Hulk storyline and suddenly making one of the least cool Marvel characters ever cool. Iron Man 2 is rough and Avengers: Age of Ultron is like watching the whole series struggle with how to set the stage for Endgame.

Sony finally allowed Marvel to include Spider-Man and Michael Keaton’s Vulture is amazing. Black Panther was not only a great movie but a jewel in a cultural shift in Hollywood. They had to go to Netflix to get Daredevil, Luke Cage, and The Punisher right but those shows are good.

When I was a kid, I loved The Planet of the Apes series but the only way to watch Chuck Heston find himself on future Earth where apes could talk was on network TV with the infrequent marathons. My mom would set up a card table covered with a sheet in front of the 20-inch screen. I’d get a pillow, soda, and a bowl of candy and watch all night long.

With Marvel, I don’t need the card table or candy but I still feel like a wide-eyed kid when I boot up any part of the MCU.

I can’t wait for the final chapter.

#Marvel Cinematic Universe #Kevin Feige #Stan Lee #Avengers: Endgame

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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it doesn’t really matter that much what i did today.

i got up. i slept in because i didn’t want to get up. just until 9:30. i showered.

mom still hadn’t started my cosplay. i want to just do it myself next time so this bs doesn’t happen. i told mom she doesn’t do her best work when she rushes, and she said she does great when she sits and does it all at once. and that this would be a four hour project, easy.

so i went out with dad to find some orange shoes. we found a great pair of sandals and dad got some supplies for his miniatures and board game pieces. dad was talking about a board game he was checking out basically nonstop and i stopped paying much attention. i was super irritable today i guess.

i tried to do some pokemon battles, and i was winning, but i wasn’t really enjoying it as much as i’d hoped. i put together this trick room team... i was crushing it in the ratings battles when i was practicing earlier. i think gimmick teams are really cool. i got my score up to 1600 over the course of the day. i only did like 12 battles though... not even a day’s worth.

mom smelled rancid. she would call me downstairs to try stuff on and work on sizes and stuff and she’d touch me and it was awful. i don’t know why she smells so god dang bad all the time. i’m really afraid that if i hit middle age i’m going to start smelling like i expired a week ago.

late in the afternoon she FINALLY asked me to print out a reference image after i told her that the pants were too short when she was first making them. the pants were like half as long as they should have been according to the image. mom said “are you mad?” and i said “i am not mad.” then she said “i don’t know how i would make these longer” and i said “it’s too late, don’t worry about it” and she said “you ARE mad!”

then i got really frustrated. i had just told her i wasn’t mad and now she does that thing where she tells me how i am feeling and then responds to everything i say as if i was feeling how she told me i was feeling.

then dad got home with dinner and mom put on a big show of being all sullen and despondent. when dad asked her what was wrong she sighed and said “nothing.” i wanted to upend my little tray of vegetables.

while i was doing some pokemon battles after that, the internet cut out. it happened during the last turn of a match i was definitely going to lose. i felt really bad... battles cut short don’t count toward your score total, but they do count toward your maximum battle total. so i forced my opponent to eat like 20 points they could have gotten if my connection had lasted literally one more minute. i was too ashamed to go back online after that. good thing, too. the internet went out like three more times over the evening.

i went and got some eye-searing orange nail polish from my neighbors and said hi to their dogs. i didn’t do anything with our dogs today. i REALLY didn’t feel like doing anything. even getting myself to play pokemon was a huge undertaking, and that didn’t even work out well.

mom and i worked on my wig for a little bit, long enough for mom to decide to put it off until tomorrow morning. it took her like nine hours to make this outfit. there are a lot of itchy loose threads that could have easily been cleaned up with a little more time. just like the other outfits she makes at the last minute. i thanked her anyway.

i whined at asher for a little while about how much i hate people. i don’t know if the memories i have are even real. but logically they must be. there must have been other people in the room when the craig thing happened. it was the busiest time of day. there must have been. ignoring what was happening. thinking it was normal. telling me to patch things up with craig when i was upset later, especially after i broke up with him. like i was the one who did something wrong.

that’s what friends are for.

i finally ripped myself out of my funk long enough at like 10:30 to color for a little bit. i finished the owl wings and got started on the body... i only colored for about 45 minutes.

my left thumb knuckle thing hurts when i stretch my hand. i would think it’s from holding pencils for hours but it’s the wrong hand for that. i’m thinking i did something in my sleep.

i didn’t do anything out of my to-do jar today. i put a thought in the bad thoughts jar but i don’t remember what it was. oh, it was “i keep thinking about drinking bleach” or something close to that.

comicon is tomorrow. i need to get up at 8. so i need to go to bed real soon. i’ve been really super irritable... even just from people talking to me unexpectedly or reacting incorrectly. shopping at like target today was awful even though we were only in there for maybe 10 minutes tops.

i feel like i had something else to talk about before i go to bed but i can’t think of what it was. i know i should call a crisis support line or something, but i don’t want to have to talk about it in front of potentially my family... and i don’t want to bring it up in group ever because they would have to notify my family. i think i talked about that yesterday though.

i just feel like garbage every day all the time. i mean yeah sometimes i can be happy but it’s like... i don’t think it’s the same kind of happy that normal people feel. death just looks a lot more appealing than having to (maybe pretend to) trust people again somehow.

why would i ever trust anyone with personal information? they don’t care. well, they might care, but you know what they care about more? not feeling guilty for being friends with an evil dude. the craigs in my life will always be more important to my friends than i will be. and i would rather just be friends with no one than friends with craig and the people who care more about him than they do about me.

asher supports me... i feel bad just having like, one close friend in my life though. that puts a lot of pressure on him.

gh. can’t cry right now. gotta sleep. long day tomorrow. i will try to ditch my family and just wander around the vendor hall even if i don’t really want to buy anything. maybe i’ll find a cool adventure time shirt or something.

i hope no one asks for a picture with me, but at the same time, i hope i wear the costume well enough that someone does ask. it’s always nice to know that someone saw something they thought was cool enough to remember. really, really worried about the wig though. that’s going to take longer than mom thinks it will and then we will have less time at the convention center.

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