#i would fantasize or imagine if i'd died i'd try to imagine how proper would feel
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#this is gonna sound dark and i PROMISE IM NOT SUICIDAL AT ALL#but when i was younger i sort of was? like passively#i would fantasize or imagine if i'd died i'd try to imagine how proper would feel#and you know the whole oh no one would miss me etc etc#thankfully i've gotten over it and i'm much happier now#i was never straight up 'i am going to kill myself i am planning it out' but like i said i was passively like#'i don't want to live that much. i don't want to kill myself bc i don't like pain but i don't really like my life.'#and tbh i thought that was normal#and i remember my therapist (in one of the few sessions i had) asked me if i was suicidal and i was like#i mean isn't everybody at some point?#and i don't know if i imagined this happening like a dream or a situation in my head or if it was real#but she was basically like no that is not good or normal actually#anyways. now i'm just wondering how many people think it's normal to be at least some amount of suicidal at some point in your life#or if it IS normal#probably not but still#bluebird.txt#i wanna make a poll about it but also good lord no thank you#too dark i would not want to see the tags they would make me sad and also my notes would be a nightmare again#probably gonna delete this so
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