#i would post lame ass bullshit text post thinking that she might see

[i-appear-misssing]

Let me be petty in the tags for a second

[shewritestheblues]

The Elevator Bae x Chapter 3

Chapter THREE

Erik x Black OC (Phoenix)

----------------

A small, tired voice wakes Erik from his sleep. His eyes shoot open and he finds Sydney balled up under his arm as their both sit on her couch.

“Your alarm is going off. Get it!” She says with her eyes closed.

He reaches for his phone sitting on her coffee table. 4:32AM flashes on his screen. He wipes his hands over his face before standing and walking to the door.

“Where are you going?”

Erik turns to Sydney now sitting up with a confused face.

“I gotta go.”

“So you’re just gonna leave? ”

“You were a good time, Syd. I’ll catch up with you later.”

She rolls her eyes, watching him leave out the door. He gets on the empty elevator to go up into his penthouse. He does his usual morning routine— teeth, face, shower and puts on a fresh pair of clothes. Black cargo pants, a dark grey thermal shirt and black boots. He grabs a pre packed duffle bag from his front closet and leaves out. When he gets down into the parking garage, the first thing he notices is Phoenix’s car parked right in front of the elevator doors. He stands there remember how pissed she looked the day before as he drove up to speak to her. Was she having a bad day? Did she see him with Sydney? Erik would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t think he had a thing for her. Sure, she wasn’t the extra type that he’d usually go for, but it was something about her. He shook the thoughts from his head and walked to the back of the parking garage to a blacked out Chevy Tahoe and leaving.

-----

Phoenix staycation was calm and relaxing just as she planned it to be. She was recharged and ready for the busy schedule for the next couple of weeks. She was in her meeting with her manager, Alyssa when Ava texted her.

Ava: Hey, let me know when your meetings done. Let’s get food.

Phoenix texted back a quick ‘Okay’ as she continued to listen to the executive from Atlantic records. The woman went on and on about the deal they were offering her but ultimately, Phoenix decided against it. She was worth more than what they were offering her. She made a promise to herself that she’d never let anyone walk over her in this business. It was rare that a female DJ/Producer was making these kind of waves in the industry. Her work was slowly, but surely becoming the talk amongst big names. She knew that women were always given the short end of the stick but she wouldn’t fall for any of the bullshit. She made it this far on her own and she was sure she could keep up the good work until someone offered her a deal she couldn’t refuse.

“Proud of you. Most people I’ve worked with would’ve taken it just to say they were signed to Atlantic.” Alyssa says.

“I mean… that wasn’t easy.”

“And it won’t get easy. Now is when shit gets real and the work gets a little harder. But the thing about you, you’re tough,”

Phoenix smiles at that. Her mom tells her that all of the time. “Which is why you’re my favorite. You’re not afraid to work hard.”

“I’m glad someone notices.” Phoenix leans over the large table.

“I’m not the only one that notices. Clearly people are watching. I mean… since you’re booked and busy these days.” Alyssa pulls her iPad from her bag, unlocking it like she’s in a rush to find something. “Speaking of busy, the opening of X got moved up to Sunday.”

Phoenix sits up in her chair, looking concerned. “That’s in two days. I don’t have my set playlist done yet.”

“Didn’t I just tell you shit won’t get easier?”

Phoenix rolls her eyes. “I’ll work on it tonight.”

Alyssa stands, “Good! Well, I have a date with my man.”

Phoenix follows her out. They hug and say their good-byes and Phoenix text Ava.

Phoenix: Hey Av, I’m done. Meet me at my place. I’ll order us something.

Ava: K.

Getting in her car, Phoenix puts her music on shuffle. Rihanna x Kanye West - FourFive Seconds comes on and she turns the volume all the way up. Driving into the street, she sings along.

I think I've had enough // I might get a little drunk

I say what's on my mind // I might do a little time

'Cause all of my kindness // Is taken for weakness

Her phone goes off with a message. Alyssa sends her the official flyer of the club opening with her picture on it to post on her IG later. Some excitement fills Phoenix’s chest and she sings louder.

Now I'm FourFiveSeconds from wildin' // And we got three more days 'til Friday

I'm just tryna make it back home by Monday mornin' // I swear I wish somebody would tell me

------

Phoenix is 2 minutes away from her apartment waiting at a red light when her phone goes off with a text.

Ava: I’m here. Your spot is open next to me.

Phoenix: Almost there.

She turns her volume down as Khalid - Talk now plays. She finally makes it to her parking garage, parking next to Ava’s car. She’s still inside waiting for Phoenix. They both get out and Phoenix rushes to hug her friend. It’s been weeks since she’d last seen her.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too. I thought I was gonna have to book your ass to hang out with you.”

Phoenix waves her hand, dismissing Ava’s joke. “Girl, bye.”

As they wait for the elevator, they discuss what food they want to order. Settling on some Chipotle, Phoenix goes to the DoorDash app to begin their orders.

DING.

When the elevator doors open, they are met with Sydney and one of her friends.

“Hey.” She says waving to Phoenix and Ava.

Hey, girl.” Ava says. Phoenix just waves and smiles.

They step out of the way for Sydney and her friend to walk out and they proceed to walk in. Phoenix hits the button for floor 7. A hand stops the doors and Sydney stands between them.

“Hey, Phoenix. This is random I know but umm,” she scrunches her face in thought, “have you seen Erik around?”

Phoenix is taken back by the random question. “I...haven’t. No.”

Sydney looks as if she wants to say something else.

“Is something wrong?” Phoenix had to ask.

“Well, we hung out a few days ago. He just kinda left and I haven’t heard from him or seen him.”

Thinking back to how she didn’t see him on her elevator rides for awhile after their late night encounter, “I’m sure he’ll pop up.”

“Yeah… thanks.” Sydney walks away, letting the doors close. The moment the doors close and the cabin begins going up, Ava finally breaks her smile.

“So… is Erik is the lucky elevator bae?”

Phoenix was confused. How did she know about this? She only told Coby and Sza. Ava and Coby only met once and they weren’t friends and she know damn well Ava and Sza aren’t kekeing over tea and Oreos.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about. Your little crush that you’re writing songs with Sza about?”

“What the fuck? How do you even know that?”

The elevators doors start to open. As they step out onto Phoenix’s floor, she stops in the hallway. She needs to know right now how Ava knows this.

“A little birdie told me,” Ava walks around Phoenix, going to her apartment door. “C’mon. Open this damn door.”

“NO! Not until you tell me who told you that.” Phoenix folds her arms and shifts her weight onto her hip. Ava knows that Phoenix really won’t open the door unless she offers up some information.

She releases are long sigh. “Coby.”

“COBY! Why are you talking to Coby?”

Ava throws her head back, trying to hide her smile. “Well,” she starts before looking at Phoenix, “We’ve been hanging out.” She makes quotes with her fingers.

Phoenix’s mouth drops in complete shock.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“Hell no. He didn’t tell me shit!”

“I guess we have a lot to catch up on.”

Phoenix unlocks the door, “We absolutely do.”

When they get inside, they sit on the couch. Phoenix finishes their food order. It’s a 30minute wait. Perfect time to ‘catch up’ and figure out just how much more Ava has been keeping from her.

“30 minutes for the food.”

“Okay. So, tell me about this Erik character.”

“Are you and Coby fucking?”

Ava looks at Phoenix with the straightest face.

“Can we focus on the original conversation first?”

“Are you and Coby fucking?”

“Oh my God. No girl. Not yet, at least. I would like to because that man is fine.”

Phoenix scrunches her up in disgust. Ava sucks her teeth. “Girl, I get you see that nigga as a brother but can’t deny that he’s fine as hell.”

Shrugging her shoulders, “He’s decent.”

“Anyways… tell me about Erik.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

Ava takes note of the changes in Phoenix’s tone. How she was just excited to hear about her love life to now being so flat and dry.

“There’s a nigga that you clearly like and making songs about but he’s fucking big booty Sydney. There’s definitely something to talk about.”

“Well that’s all there is to it then.”

Ava didn’t want Phoenix to go into shut down mode. She didn’t push her. She decided to let the conversation of Erik go… for now. To get her best friend back into high spirits, she knew talking about music would help.

“Okay, well, are you ready for the opening?”

“Not at all. Alyssa just told me today that it’s now on Sunday instead of next week.”

“You got this. Let me see your playlist.”

Phoenix goes to get her laptop from her room. They discuss what she has planned for the club. Their food comes and Ava joins Phoenix on the floor as they eat and she helps her finish her playlist. As the hours go by, they dance to the songs and catch up on all of the things that’s happened over the last few they haven’t hung out.

“Oh shit! I forgot to post the flyer.” Phoenix jumps up for her phone. She posts the pic Alyssa sent to her earlier.

Ava repost it instantly. “Damn girl, you look good as fuck on this flyer.”

“Thanks boo. I need to take some new pictures. My Instagram lame as fuck right now.”

“Let’s take some right now.”

“Girl, it’s like 9 o’clock--” Before Phoenix could finish her sentence, Ava was already walking away to her room. She follows her into her closet. Ava goes through her clothes, pulling out some outfits. She knows Phoenix and her style so pairs some jeans with a Vintage style Aaliyah Tee with clear, strappy heels and an oversized t-shirt for a dress with her Black Doc Martin boots.

“Get dressed and fluff your curls. We got the hallway, your balcony-- Oh, you know what, let’s do leggings instead of jeans so we can see your butt.”

“Ava, no.”

“C’mon girl, stop playing with me. Put this on and sit your thick ass on that kitchen counter. I got you.”

Phoenix laughs but does what her friend says. Ava does a whole photo shoot for Phoenix in her kitchen. They even took some on the balcony, catching some city lights in the background. Phoenix picks a few of her favorites as she goes through them. There were A LOT of to choose from.

“Don’t post any tonight. Wait until tomorrow afternoon.”

Phoenix just gives Ava a look. “Don’t look at me like that. I know Instagram. You’re gonna need as many people seeing it to push your face as the DJ opening up Club X, believe me.”

Phoenix just nods and tells her friend thank you. She didn’t understand the thing with Instagram. Managing her social media wasn’t important to her. She preferred to post her music and go. But she also knew that Ava knew what she’s talking about so she trusted her friends words. They said their goodnights and Ava was off on her way home.

“Text me when you get in.”

-------

Sunday arrives. Phoenix was ready. Her set was amazing, full of all of the Summer’s hits, mixed with some throwbacks. She knew just what a crowd wanted to hear. She spent the early part of the day going through sound checks with the hosts, signing contracts and networking with some of the promoters. The vibe was just her type.

As night fell over the city, she began her preset. Just a mini playlist she created to play as she gets ready herself. This was a big event and Phoenix never disappointed. She had a soft makeup look with wing eyeliner (her go to look), her curls sat in a messy, top knot bun and her nails were painted a glow in the dark neon blue. She wore black, combat pants with a silver sparkle tube top and some black Prada combat heels. She finished her look with silver accessories--rings, layered necklaces and crystal hoop earrings and of course her signature blue Beats headphones.

She steps outside with some of the promoters to take pics. The club is getting packed by the minute with artists, athletes, etc. She makes her way back inside to begin her set. Instantly, when she spins her first song, the crowd screams the lyrics and begins dancing. This night was one to remember. People were loving her. The host brought a few people up to the DJ Booth because they wanted to meet her. It got to the point where the host just shouted her out on the mic so everyone would hear.

“Yo, let’s make some noise for our lit ass DJ, DJ Phoenix Blue.”

The love made Phoenix full of joy. She was so in the zone, she didn’t even notice Ava come in with their other friends, Camren and Mica. They never missed a show or appearance. They turned up with Phoenix until the party was over.

-----

It was almost 4am when Phoenix was finally on her way home. The high of the night still moving through her body. She turns into the parking garage, noticing a black truck turn in behind her. As she parked, she looked out to watch the truck. The driver parked all the way in the back so she could only see a small bit of the headlights. Not sure what was going on, she waited for awhile before getting out. She looked around to see if she could see anyone walking through the cars. She heard a door slam… and then another one. Soon after a figure walks around the cars, going to the elevators. It was Erik. He was carrying a large duffle bag. She thought about just sitting in the car until he got on the elevator until he looked back right at her car. He stood there like he was waiting for her. She realized, he never actually pressed the call button for the elevator. He continued to stand there. She might as well get out. She grabbed her bag with her laptop and got out. Her feet were hurting. With him waiting, she felt a sense of safety so she took this opportunity to get a pair of sandals from her trunk. Erik seemed to be patient as he waited. She finally made her way toward him. He gave a weak smile and she gave one in return. He hits the call button.

He looks her up and down. She pretends not to notice.

“You look sparkly tonight.” he says.

“And you look,” she looks over him, “...tired.”

“Shit, I am.” he drags his hand over his face.

“Sydney was looking for you a few days ago,” He rolls his eyes, uninterested. “She asked if I had seen you because she just her place and disappeared.”

He didn’t offer a response. “Are you two--”

“Nah.” his words coming out louder than he intended. Phoenix didn’t mean to piss him off. The elevator doors opened and she stepped inside, he followed. She stood in the back corner. He scanned his keycard and hit the button to her floor for her. She looked down, playing with her keys. Did he scare her?

“Hey,” she looked up at him. “I ain’t mean to come off like that.”

“You’re good.” she says, looking back down. He watches her.

“Sydney cool, but I’m not feeling her like that.”

“Why?”

“I have my eye on someone else.”

Someone else? Who? What the fuck? Her thoughts went from 0-100. Sydney’s not who he wants so could he be talking about her? She wanted so bad to ask him who but didn’t want to be in this man’s business. “Well I think she likes you, so you should tell her that. Communication is key.”

“Yeah, I will.”

The cabin comes to a stop at Phoenix’s floor. The doors open and she walks out. She looks back at him, “Goodnight, Erik. Get some rest.”

“You too, baby girl. Goodnight.”

Her eyes got big at the pet name. He noticed her reaction and winked at her as the doors were closing between them. She rushed into her apartment, dropping her bag and shoes into the floor. She takes out her phone to text Ava.

Phoenix: BITCH! Come over tomorrow. I need advice. It’s about Erik.

Ava: Oh now your dusty ass wants to tell me about Erik at 5 o’clock in the morning. I’ll be there. Make me some pancakes.

[dreamgirl4certain]

The Elevator Bae

Chapter THREE

ONE TWO

Erik x Black OC (Phoenix)

Word Count: 2k || Song Suggestions: Rihanna + Kanye West x FourFiveSeconds, Khalid x Talk

A/N: Sorry, I did not proofread this yet. I will go through it later. Again, thanks so much for those who read this. Y'all make me such a happy lil nigga. I love you lots.

A small, tired voice wakes Erik from his sleep. His eyes shoot open and he finds Sydney balled up under his arm as their both sit on her couch.

“Your alarm is going off. Get it!” She says with her eyes closed.

He reaches for his phone sitting on her coffee table. 4:32AM flashes on his screen. He wipes his hands over his face before standing and walking to the  door. 

“Where are you going?” Erik turns to Sydney now sitting up with a confused face.

 “I gotta go.”

“So you’re just gonna leave? ”

“You were a good time, Syd. I’ll catch up with you later.”

She rolls her eyes, watching him leave out the door. He gets on the empty elevator to go up into his penthouse. He does his usual morning routine— teeth, face, shower and puts on a fresh pair of clothes. Black cargo pants, a dark grey thermal shirt and black boots. He grabs a pre packed duffle bag from his front closet and leaves out. When he gets down into the parking garage, the first thing he notices is Phoenix’s car parked right in front of the elevator doors. He stands there remember how pissed she looked the day before as he drove up to speak to her. Was she having a bad day? Did she see him with Sydney? Erik would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t think he had a thing for her. Sure, she wasn’t the extra type that he’d usually go for, but it was something about her. He shook the thoughts from his head and walked to the back of the parking garage to a blacked out Chevy Tahoe and leaving.

-----

Phoenix staycation was calm and relaxing just as she planned it to be. She was recharged and ready for the busy schedule for the next couple of weeks. She was in her meeting with her manager, Alyssa when Ava texted her.

Ava: Hey, let me know when your meetings done. Let’s get food.

Phoenix texted back a quick ‘Okay’ as she continued to listen to the executive from Atlantic records. The woman went on and on about the deal they were offering her but ultimately, Phoenix decided against it. She was worth more than what they were offering her. She made a promise to herself that she’d never let anyone walk over her in this business. It was rare that a female DJ/Producer was making these kind of waves in the industry. Her work was slowly, but surely becoming the talk amongst big names. She knew that women were always given the short end of the stick but she wouldn’t fall for any of the bullshit. She made it this far on her own and she was sure she could keep up the good work until someone offered her a deal she couldn’t refuse.

“Proud of you. Most people I’ve worked with would’ve taken it just to say they were signed to Atlantic.” Alyssa says.

“I mean… that wasn’t easy.”

“And it won’t get easy. Now is when shit gets real and the work gets a little harder. But the thing about you, you’re tough,”

Phoenix smiles at that. Her mom tells her that all of the time. “Which is why you’re my favorite. You’re not afraid to work hard.”

“I’m glad someone notices.” Phoenix leans over the large table.

“I’m not the only one that notices. Clearly people are watching. I mean… since you’re booked and busy these days.” Alyssa pulls her iPad from her bag, unlocking it like she’s in a rush to find something. “Speaking of busy, the opening of X got moved up to Sunday.”

Phoenix sits up in her chair, looking concerned. “That’s in two days. I don’t have my set playlist done yet.”

“Didn’t I just tell you shit won’t get easier?”

Phoenix rolls her eyes. “I’ll work on it tonight.”

Alyssa stands, “Good! Well, I have a date with my man.”

Phoenix follows her out. They hug and say their good-byes and Phoenix text Ava.

Phoenix: Hey Av, I’m done. Meet me at my place. I’ll order us something.

Ava: K.

Getting in her car, Phoenix puts her music on shuffle. Rihanna x Kanye West - FourFive Seconds comes on and she turns the volume all the way up. Driving into the street, she sings along.

I think I've had enough // I might get a little drunk

I say what's on my mind // I might do a little time

'Cause all of my kindness // Is taken for weakness

Her phone goes off with a message. Alyssa sends her the official flyer of the club opening with her picture on it to post on her IG later. Some excitement fills Phoenix’s chest and she sings louder.

Now I'm FourFiveSeconds from wildin' // And we got three more days 'til Friday

I'm just tryna make it back home by Monday mornin' // I swear I wish somebody would tell me

------

Phoenix is 2 minutes away from her apartment waiting at a red light when her phone goes off with a text.

Ava: I’m here. Your spot is open next to me.

Phoenix: Almost there.

She turns her volume down as Khalid - Talk now plays. She finally makes it to her parking garage, parking next to Ava’s car. She’s still inside waiting for Phoenix. They both get out and Phoenix rushes to hug her friend. It’s been weeks since she’d last seen her.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too. I thought I was gonna have to book your ass to hang out with you.”

Phoenix waves her hand, dismissing Ava’s joke. “Girl, bye.”

As they wait for the elevator, they discuss what food they want to order. Settling on some Chipotle, Phoenix goes to the DoorDash app to begin their orders.

DING.

When the elevator doors open, they are met with Sydney and one of her friends.

“Hey.” She says waving to Phoenix and Ava.

Hey, girl.” Ava says. Phoenix just waves and smiles.

They step out of the way for Sydney and her friend to walk out and they proceed to walk in. Phoenix hits the button for floor 7. A hand stops the doors and Sydney stands between them.

“Hey, Phoenix. This is random I know but umm,” she scrunches her face in thought, “have you seen Erik around?”

Phoenix is taken back by the random question. “I...haven’t. No.”

Sydney looks as if she wants to say something else.

“Is something wrong?” Phoenix had to ask.

“Well, we hung out a few days ago. He just kinda left and I haven’t heard from him or seen him.”

Thinking back to how she didn’t see him on her elevator rides for awhile after their late night encounter, “I’m sure he’ll pop up.”

“Yeah… thanks.” Sydney walks away, letting the doors close. The moment the doors close and the cabin begins going up, Ava finally breaks her smile.

“So… is Erik is the lucky elevator boo?”

Phoenix was confused. How did she know about this? She only told Coby and Sza. Ava and Coby only met once and they weren’t friends and she know damn well Ava and Sza aren’t kekeing over tea and Oreos.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about. Your little crush that you’re writing songs with Sza about?”

“What the fuck? How do you even know that?”

The elevators doors start to open. As they step out onto Phoenix’s floor, she stops in the hallway. She needs to know right now how Ava knows this.

“A little birdie told me,” Ava walks around Phoenix, going to her apartment door. “C’mon. Open this damn door.”

“NO! Not until you tell me who told you that.” Phoenix folds her arms and shifts her weight onto her hip. Ava knows that Phoenix really won’t open the door unless she offers up some information.

She releases are long sigh. “Coby.”

“COBY! Why are you talking to Coby?”

Ava throws her head back, trying to hide her smile. “Well,” she starts before looking at Phoenix, “We’ve been hanging out.” She makes quotes with her fingers.

Phoenix’s mouth drops in complete shock.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“Hell no. He didn’t tell me shit!”

“I guess we have a lot to catch up on.”

Phoenix unlocks the door, “We absolutely do.”

When they get inside, they sit on the couch. Phoenix finishes their food order. It’s a 30minute wait. Perfect time to ‘catch up’ and figure out just how much more Ava has been keeping from her.

“30 minutes for the food.”

“Okay. So, tell me about this Erik character.”

“Are you and Coby fucking?”

Ava looks at Phoenix with the straightest face.

“Can we focus on the original conversation first?”

“Are you and Coby fucking?”

“Oh my God. No girl. Not yet, at least. I would like to because that man is fine.”

Phoenix scrunches her up in disgust. Ava sucks her teeth. “Girl, I get you see that nigga as a brother but can’t deny that he’s fine as hell.”

Shrugging her shoulders, “He’s decent.”

“Anyways… tell me about Erik.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

Ava takes note of the changes in Phoenix’s tone. How she was just excited to hear about her love life to now being so flat and dry.

“There’s a nigga that you clearly like and making songs about but he’s fucking big booty Sydney. There’s definitely something to talk about.”

“Well that’s all there is to it then.”

Ava didn’t want Phoenix to go into shut down mode. She didn’t push her. She decided to let the conversation of Erik go… for now. To get her best friend back into high spirits, she knew talking about music would help.

“Okay, well, are you ready for the opening?”

“Not at all. Alyssa just told me today that it’s now on Sunday instead of next week.”

“You got this. Let me see your playlist.”

Phoenix goes to get her laptop from her room. They discuss what she has planned for the club. Their food comes and Ava joins Phoenix on the floor as they eat and she helps her finish her playlist. As the hours go by, they dance to the songs and catch up on all of the things that’s happened over the last few they haven’t hung out.

“Oh shit! I forgot to post the flyer.” Phoenix jumps up for her phone. She posts the pic Alyssa sent to her earlier.

Ava repost it instantly. “Damn girl, you look good as fuck on this flyer.”

“Thanks boo. I need to take some new pictures. My Instagram lame as fuck right now.”

“Let’s take some right now.”

“Girl, it’s like 9 o’clock--” Before Phoenix could finish her sentence, Ava was already walking away to her room. She follows her into her closet. Ava goes through her clothes, pulling out some outfits. She knows Phoenix and her style so pairs some jeans with a Vintage style Aaliyah Tee with clear, strappy heels and an oversized t-shirt for a dress with her Black Doc Martin boots.

“Get dressed and fluff your curls. We got the hallway, your balcony-- Oh, you know what, let’s do leggings instead of jeans so we can see your butt.”

“Ava, no.”

“C’mon girl, stop playing with me. Put this on and sit your thick ass on that kitchen counter. I got you.”

Phoenix laughs but does what her friend says. Ava does a whole photo shoot for Phoenix in her kitchen. They even took some on the balcony, catching some city lights in the background. Phoenix picks a few of her favorites as she goes through them. There were A LOT of to choose from.

“Don’t post any tonight. Wait until tomorrow afternoon.”

Phoenix just gives Ava a look. “Don’t look at me like that. I know Instagram. You’re gonna need as many people seeing it to push your face as the DJ opening up Club X, believe me.”

Phoenix just nods and tells her friend thank you. She didn’t understand the thing with Instagram. Managing her social media wasn’t important to her. She preferred to post her music and go. But she also knew that Ava knew what she’s talking about so she trusted her friends words. They said their goodnights and Ava was off on her way home.

“Text me when you get in.”

-------

Sunday had finally arrived. Phoenix was ready. Her set was amazing, full of all of the Summer’s hits, mixed with some throwbacks. She knew just what a crowd wanted to hear. She spent the early part of the day going through sound checks with the hosts, signing contracts and networking with some of the promoters. The vibe was just her type.

As night fell over the city, she began her preset. Just a mini playlist she created to play as she gets ready herself. This was a big event and Phoenix never disappointed. She had a soft makeup look with wing eyeliner (her go to look), her curls sat in a messy, top knot bun and her nails were painted a glow in the dark neon blue. She wore black, combat pants with a silver sparkle tube top and some black Prada combat heels. She finished her look with silver accessories--rings, layered necklaces and crystal hoop earrings and of course her signature blue Beats headphones.

She steps outside with some of the promoters to take pics. The club is getting packed by the minute with artists, athletes, etc. She makes her way back inside to begin her set. Instantly, when she spins her first song, the crowd screams the lyrics and begins dancing. This night was one to remember. People were loving her. The host brought a few people up to the DJ Booth because they wanted to meet her. It got to the point where the host just shouted her out on the mic so everyone would hear.

“Yo, let’s make some noise for our lit ass DJ, DJ Phoenix Blue.”

The love made Phoenix full of joy. She was so in the zone, she didn’t even notice Ava come in with their other friends, Camren and Mica. They never missed a show or appearance. They turned up with Phoenix until the party was over.

-----

It was almost 4am when Phoenix was finally on her way home. The high of the night still moving through her body. She turns into the parking garage, noticing a black truck turn in behind her. As she parked, she looked out to watch the truck. The driver parked all the way in the back so she could only see a small bit of the headlights. Not sure what was going on, she waited for awhile before getting out. She looked around to see if she could see anyone walking through the cars. She heard a door slam… and then another one. Soon after a figure walks around the cars, going to the elevators. It was Erik. He was carrying a large duffle bag. She thought about just sitting in the car until he got on the elevator until he looked back right at her car. He stood there like he was waiting for her. She realized, he never actually pressed the call button for the elevator. He continued to stand there. She might as well get out. She grabbed her bag with her laptop and got out. Her feet were hurting. With him waiting, she felt a sense of safety so she took this opportunity to get a pair of sandals from her trunk. Erik seemed to be patient as he waited. She finally made her way toward him. He gave a weak smile and she gave one in return. He hits the call button.

He looks her up and down. She pretends not to notice.

“You look sparkly tonight.” he says.

“And you look,” she looks over him, “...tired.”

“Shit, I am.” he drags his hand over his face.

“Sydney was looking for you a few days ago,” He rolls his eyes, uninterested. “She asked if I had seen you because she just her place and disappeared.”

He didn’t offer a response. “Are you two--”

“Nah.” his words coming out louder than he intended. Phoenix didn’t mean to piss him off. The elevator doors opened and she stepped inside, he followed. She stood in the back corner. He scanned his keycard and hit the button to her floor for her. She looked down, playing with her keys. Did he scare her?

“Hey,” she looked up at him. “I ain’t mean to come off like that.”

“You’re good.” she says, looking back down. He watches her.

“Sydney cool, but I’m not feeling her like that.”

“Why?”

“I have my eye on someone else.”

Someone else? Who? What the fuck? Her thoughts went from 0-100. Sydney’s not who he wants so could he be talking about her? She wanted so bad to ask him who but didn’t want to be in this man’s business. “Well I think she likes you, so you should tell her that. Communication is key.”

“Yeah, I will.”

The cabin comes to a stop at Phoenix’s floor. The doors open and she walks out. She looks back at him, “Goodnight, Erik. Get some rest.”

“You too, baby girl. Goodnight.”

Her eyes got big at the pet name. He noticed her reaction and winked at her as the doors were closing between them. She rushed into her apartment, dropping her bag and shoes into the floor. She takes out her phone to text Ava.

Phoenix: BITCH! Come over tomorrow. I need advice. It’s about Erik.

Ava: Oh now your dusty ass wants to tell me about Erik at 5 o’clock in the morning. I’ll be there. Make me some pancakes.

Tags: @purple-apricots @abeautifulmindexposed @lostennyc @missshae @tip222u @janelledarling @lushloaded @chaneajoyyy **If anyone would like to be tagged in the next one, let me know.

[calligraphist-artemisia]

The Sun Prince (Chapter 4)

Summary:  It was an accident. A simple misstep that sent him plunging into the darkness and waking an ancient magic. Now Prompto has to deal with the consequences of making a deal with an Astral and learn how to control the magic blooming inside of him.

Also posted on AO3 and fanfiction.net under the username “kishirokitsune”

-

4. Just Like a Training Montage

Noctis was a little worried when they returned to the motel room to find Prompto gone, but thanks to some quick thinking from Ignis, who sent a text to their wayward friend, they soon found out he stepped outside for some fresh air. Noctis made a half-hearted excuse to go out as well, and didn't wait for Ignis or Gladio to respond before setting off to find Prompto.

It wasn't hard to figure out where he'd gone, considering they didn't see him on their way in.

Noctis made his way up to the roof, where he found Prompto sitting on the edge, deep in thought. He scuffed his feet against the rooftop as he approached to give his friend a warning that he was no longer alone.

Prompto glanced back at him, relaxing once he saw that it was only Noctis. “So, Rhyos showed up while you guys were out.”

“Sorry I missed that,” Noctis said as he joined his friend on the edge. He tried not to grunt in pain. It was far from the most comfortable place to sit and he hoped Prompto didn't want to stay there for long. “Did he tell you what he wants?”

Prompto scowled and shook his head. “Nope. I asked too, and he was just all 'maybe next time'. I'm going to go crazy before he actually gets around to telling me what he wants.”

Noctis didn't know what to tell him. The Astrals were a mystery and sometimes he doubted even Luna knew what they truly wanted. Rhyos seemed to be odder than most, which complicated matters, and Noctis wished he'd been there to meet him, if only to get a sense of what the Astral was like for himself.

“He told me some other stuff though,” Prompto continued. “Like, that place I fell in, it's some kind of Solheim temple. He says he sealed it off before the start of the War of the Astrals. And, uh, that crown that I showed you? That's the source of that light I used against the Iron Giant. Rhyos suggested I ask you for training, since you already know how to use magic. I figured he had a good point, yunno? I don't even know where I'd start.”

Noctis hummed, trying to think of how his own training had started. He must have been really young; magic was in his blood and always had been. For him, using magic was instinctive and it was directing and controlling that magic that was the tricky part.

Not for the first time, he found himself wishing Luna was traveling with them. He knew she had her reasons for going ahead and didn't blame her for following her calling, but things would be so much easier with her physically by his side. Not only would it alleviate the worst of his worries, she was also a far better person to help Prompto with what he was going through.

But she wasn't there.

She was waiting in Altissia to awaken Leviathan so he could form another covenant.

He was the only person who could help Prompto.

Noctis reached up and ran a hand through his hair, before tipping his head back to stare at the stars. “I wish I knew where to start, but I'll try. I guess the first thing to do is figure out what your magic feels like when you use it.”

Prompto thought about it for a moment. “It feels... warm, I guess. Or at least the crown does.”

Which meant it was the opposite of the Lucis Caelum magic, which always gave a cooler feeling, like the breeze of a late autumn day.

“Hey, Noct? Are you going to tell Ignis and Gladio about this?”

“Told you I wouldn't, didn't I?” Noctis replied, wishing he hadn't made that agreement. Having to keep their training hidden from their friends was going to make things way more difficult than they needed to be and he bet that they would have some good advice.

Still, he was starting to come up with a plan that could work. Meditation played a critical role in learning to control his own magic, so that was where he would have Prompto start. His friend would hate it, probably more than he did, but it was necessary and would be the easiest step to keep secret.

“Okay, here's what you need to do,” Noctis said, quickly explaining his idea.

Prompto made a disgruntled expression at his half-assed idea, clearly expecting more from someone whose entire family was known for their magic and connection to the Astrals.

(It wasn't like Bahamut left them with a handbook on that sort of thing!)

“Great. Meditation. Got it,” Prompto grumbled, pulling his legs up against his chest.

Noctis felt back that he didn't have a better idea for how to help, but he wasn't going to let Prompto treat his idea like the garbage that it was. It would help in the long run and was infinitely better than running around and fighting daemons, hoping to replicate what happened that night down at Cape Caem. (Also, it would buy time for Noctis to figure out a better idea.)

“The tricky part will be keeping this from Ignis and Gladio, but if you meditate while we're on the road and work on channeling energy in the tent before they come to bed, then we might be able to pull this off,” Noctis said.

Prompto was quiet for a few minutes. “Do you really think I can do this?”

“Prompto, I know you can do this. I bet you'll be even better at it than I am, too,” Noctis said. “Look, I know it sounds lame and you probably think magical training should be something that's exciting and fun, but it isn't. I spent a lot of time when I was younger on meditation and understanding the flow of energy in my body. It made things easier later on. Well, some things.” His back twinged in discomfort, a sign that he'd been sitting on a hard surface for far too long. “You've already got a head start, since you know how to summon things from the armiger.”

Noctis stood up, gently stretching to avoid further aggravating his old injury. “We should get back to our room before Ignis and Gladio come find us.”

“So where are we off to tomorrow, anyway? Did you guys decide?” Prompto asked as he stood as well.

Noctis groaned, remembering what happened on their way over from the Crow's Nest. “You're not going to believe this, but we bumped into Sania and she asked for another favor.”

“More frogs?” Prompto asked, dread seeping into his voice. “Noct, buddy, you gotta learn to say no.”

“It's worse than that. She needs a vial of slimy oil from a gigantoad, and the best place to find one is back at Malmalam Thicket,” Noctis told him. He appreciated the way his friend immediately began whining  about going back to that place. He wasn't pleased to go back either, but Gladio had given him such a Look that it was clear that it was in the best interest of his health to fulfill her request.

“...whole day getting soaked in the rain again, and I just got over being sick!” Prompto paused for a moment. “Do you think that would work as an excuse and I could stay here? You'll be coming back through to give Sania the toad slime anyway.”

“You'd really abandon me like that? I'm hurt,” Noctis joked, placing his hand over his heart.

“I would ask if you could stay too, but then it'd be obvious what we're up to. Guess you'll have to take one for the team and go hunting without me,” Prompto teased right back. “Hey, at least you won't be gone too long. A few hours to get there, some time running around in the rain, and then a few hours to drive back. You can manage that without me.”

Noctis snorted. “Like Ignis would let you. Face it, you'll be out there, just as miserable as the rest of us.”

“We'll see,” Prompto said with a wink.

It wasn't going to work.

Ignis was too good at seeing through their bullshit and Noctis was certain that he had already caught onto their being something off with Prompto. Which meant there was zero chance of Ignis letting either of them out of his sight for very long.

No, they would all be in the Regalia, heading back to Malmalam Thicket once the sun rose.

---

If Ignis thought he was sulking over being forced to go with them on Sania's quest, then for once, Prompto was glad. It gave him a reason for his sudden desire to sit quietly and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't be questioned as he started on the first part of his training.

Meditation.

He guessed it made sense as the first step, but that didn't stop him from feeling that it was all wrong for him. He had a hard time sitting still and keeping his mind from wandering to things he found more interesting.

Still, he tried.

“...and if you wish to help your prince and save him and many others from what Fate awaits them...”

Rhyos's words echoed in his mind, serving as a reminder of why it was important that he learned to control his powers. He did want to help Noctis. He would do whatever it took to be able to stand by his side and help him down his chosen path, and if magic was the way to do that, he'd master it.

He did wish he had more time, however. Or at least better instructions.

Prompto shifted in his seat, trying to get comfortable. He should have asked Noctis for more instruction rather than going off his own sparse knowledge of how meditation was supposed to work. (Learned from movies and video games – hardly a proper source of information.)

He breathed in deeply and then slowly out, doing his best to relax and tune out the world around him. Noctis said something about searching within, right? Imagining the flow of energy?

What would that look like, he wondered.

Maybe it was just light covering his entire body. It could also follow along major veins, flowing out from the chest and then circulating back. There were also chakra points to consider, though Prompto couldn't remember how many there were or where they were located.

Or none of that was right and he was missing something vital. What else had Noct mentioned? The armiger?

Yeah, he said something about knowing how to use the armiger gave him an advantage, because it was a form of magic he already knew how to use. Except there hadn't been any training when it came to using that, because when he was accepted by Noct's magic, it passed along the knowledge of how it worked.

Prompto slumped back and opened his eyes, thankful that the dreary rain meant the top was up and he wasn't immediately blinded by sunlight.

“Is everything alright, Prompto?” Ignis asked, glancing over at him for a brief second.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm good. Just looking forward to getting out and stretching my legs, y'know,” Prompto lied, flashing Ignis a grin.

Ignis didn't look away from the road for a second time, instead nodding his head slightly. “I see.” He reached down for his can of ebony and took a few sips before placing it back in the cup holder. “If there is anything bothering you, you can tell us. We are all here to help one another.”

Prompto turned his head to look out the window. “Yeah, I know.”

He should just tell them. Noctis was right, it was silly to keep it from them.

“Hey, Ignis?”

“Yes, Prompto?”

Prompto swallowed. “I, uh... I just wanted to tell you...”

He couldn't do it. It was too hard. He wasn't ready.

“I just wanted to say that I really appreciate everything you do. So thanks, you know, for watching out for me. I know you don't have to, but you do anyway. And... yeah,” Prompto shrugged, his voice quieting at the end.  “I'm glad we're friends.”

Ignis kept his eyes on the road ahead, but his gaze softened somewhat. “I am glad as well.”

Prompto relaxed in his seat, done with talking for the moment. Ignis wasn't one for idle chatter anyway, especially not while the roads were slick with rain, and it didn't sound like Gladio or Noctis were up for it either, judging by the quiet sound of Noct's breathing and the occasional turn of a page from Gladio.

No talking.

No King's Knight.

It was the perfect time for him to meditate, and yet he still couldn't do it.

He looked over at Ignis as a tiny thought sparked in his mind. Maybe he couldn't bring himself to tell Ignis everything that was going on, but that didn't mean he couldn't ask for advice.

“Hey, Ignis, do you know much about meditation?” Prompto asked before he could worry himself into remaining silent.

“Not a lot, I'm afraid,” Ignis responded. “I understand the theory behind it, as well as the many benefits of taking the time to do so, but time is something I do not have an excess of. Gladio would know more than I do, as it was part of his training.”

“Really? I figured – I mean, I know you're always busy, but it seemed like something you'd be into,” Prompto said.

Ignis's lips quirked up into a smile. “It is difficult to find time when you're the adviser to our prince. I have found, however, that I can clear my mind by doing simple tasks, such as cooking. It gives my mind a break from thinking about everything, while still allowing me to fulfill my duties.” He paused to take another sip of ebony. “As I said, Gladio would be the better person to ask.”

Prompto nodded. He didn't think he'd need to – Ignis had given better advice than he expected – but he'd keep it in mind. Since he couldn't sit still and tune everything else out, maybe he could try Ignis's method of focusing on something simple. First, he'd have to figure out what that was.

Not photography. There was always so much to consider, between the lighting, angles, distance, shutter speed – he could go on all day! Taking pictures required all of his concentration.

There was one other thing he was pretty good at, and that was running.

It would be perfect! He could go out early in the morning, take a different path from Gladio, and see if he could work with that. There was nothing like a early morning run to clear his mind.

---

“Noct! Psst, Noct!”

Noctis groaned and tried to pull his sleeping bag over his head.

Prompto laughed, grabbing onto the edge so he couldn't hide. “Nuh uh, not today! Get up, I wanna show you something before Iggy comes in because you're taking too long!”

Noctis glared at him. “You are way too cheerful this morning.”

“Just watch!” Prompto said, giddily holding out his hands. The last thing he saw before closing his eyes was Noctis raising an eyebrow, but he ignored that. His friend was just grumpy from being woken up.

His adrenaline was still pumping from his morning run and he hoped it was enough. He honestly had no idea how he managed it the first time; he was just so exciting to see his effort pay off that he rushed back to the tent immediately.

But what if he was wrong?

What if he imagined it? What he thought he saw could easily have been the glint of sunlight catching in the perfect way.

Prompto's heart sank the longer he knelt in front of Noctis and nothing happened. After a few minutes he opened his eyes and dropped his hands into his lap. “I... I thought...”

The fabric of the sleeping bag made a weird shuffling sound as Noctis sat up. “Did something happen?”

Prompto shrugged hopelessly. “I dunno. I mean, I thought I felt something, but...”

“You're being too hard on yourself. Or you're thinking too much.” Noctis sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He glanced at the entry to the tent, listening for a few seconds and then nodding as he came to a decision. “Alright, lets try this again. Just... do whatever it was you were doing earlier. Walk me through it.”

“I was running then,” Prompto pointed out.

Noctis grimaced. “Think you can do it without running?”

Well, his heart was still beating fast enough for it to possibly work, if adrenaline had anything to do with it. (Which, thinking about it, was entirely possible. After all, his first manifestation was an adrenaline reaction to the Iron Giant trying to hurt Noctis.) But wasn't the whole point to clear his mind? That would be impossible if he was also describing his steps.

He would try anyway.

Prompto moved into a more comfortable position and held out his hands, palms up, and then closed his eyes again, but Noctis cleared his throat.

“Eyes open, Prompto.”

He reluctantly followed the advice and stared down at his hands instead. He needed to recapture what he felt while he was running, the way his magic seemed to pulse along with the beat of his heart, flowing through him like the current of a river. The warmth it created as it spread and grew outward from his chest, filling him with a sense of peace.

Prompto envisioned it gathering in the center of his palms, swirling together until it rose in a vortex and began to form a sphere.

And that was when his hands began to glow.

“Noct,” he breathed out in surprise.

“It's okay. Keep going,” Noctis said. “Tell me what you're doing.”

“I'm picturing the way it flows through me,” Prompto quickly explained, staring down in awe. (He was really doing it! That was his magic!) “This is so cool. I'm really glad Gladio didn't go running with me today, because there would be so many questions. Oh, um, so I'm imagining the light going to my hands and forming a ball? I mean, that seems like a good start, right? A ball of energy?”

Noctis leaned forward, watching carefully as the glow expanded and then abruptly condensed, forming a shimmering orb of magic.

Prompto lifted his gaze and was struck breathless by how beautiful Noctis looked, illuminated by the soft light. He wanted to reach for his camera and snap a picture so he could cherish the image for the rest of his days, but knew the moment he tried, he would lose his tentative grasp on his magic and the picture he wished to capture along with it.

The orb wavered for a moment and he turned his attention back to what he was doing.

“Remember how this feels. The easier it is for you to get to this point, the faster we can move on to the fun stuff,” Noctis said.

“The fun stuff?” Prompto echoed. “What, like warping?”

That sounded kind of awful.

He remembered how exciting it sounded the very first time he saw Noctis warp to the other side of the room, but after hearing his friend complain about how difficult it was to get used to, it no longer sounded fun. Prompto would rather avoid getting so nauseous that he couldn't see straight. (Or was it the lack of ability to see straight that caused the nausea?)

Noctis shrugged. “I guess we'll find out.”

They were basically the blind leading the blind, Prompto thought as the energy sank back into his skin. Still, he was making progress despite not knowing what he was doing, so that was good, right?

The flaps to the tent shifted and Ignis appeared, looking surprised to see Noctis awake and sitting up. He quickly recovered. “Come out and eat breakfast. I'd like to get to Coernix Station before noon, so that we may get a good start on our drive back to Cape Caem before nigh sets in. The sooner we deliver those parts to Cid, the sooner we can leave for Altissia,” he reminded them.

“Coming!” Prompto said, eagerly crawling toward the exit.

Ignis gave Noctis a pointed look and then moved aside.

Two days before, they had successfully obtained a vial of slimy oil from a gigantoad and delivered it to Sania, before moving on further north. Prompto wasn't sure what their destination was – perhaps Lestallum? - but it didn't matter, as they received a call from Cid, telling them they needed to stop and pick up a few parts to finish fixing the Royal Vessel. He had a contact in the area, but they wouldn't travel further than the Alstor Coernix Station, which was why they were headed over that way.

There had been some grumbling (mostly from Gladio) about having to circle back through the Cleigne-Duscae area again, but off they went anyway. Repairs were their top priority, and if Cid said he needed those parts, then they would get him those parts.

Prompto was just glad that it wasn't going to be like their run through the incredibly creepy Steyliff Grove in search of mythril, courtesy of the even creepier Niflheim chancellor.

A rush of unease caught Prompto off guard and he had to stop to catch his breath, his magic roiling in protest just beneath his skin.

Ignis grasped his shoulder, stabilizing him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Prompto choked out. He cleared his throat and breathed a little more successfully than before. “Yeah, I'm good. Dunno what that was about.”

“Perhaps you should sit and get something to eat,” Ignis advised.

Prompto thought sitting sounded like the best idea he'd heard all morning. As did food. His stomach growled loudly enough for Gladio to hear on the other side of the haven, and he blushed and pulled away from Ignis's hand before hurrying over to where his plate waited for him. He sat down in one of the camp chairs and dug in, not bothering to wait for Noctis like he normally would.

After a few minutes, Ignis ducked into the tent to hurry Noctis along, and Prompto had to stifle his laughter at the exasperating “oh, come on, specs,” from Noctis, who emerged a moment later, trying to fix his hair and casting wary looks at his adviser.

When Ignis didn't go chasing after him with a brush, he dropped down in the chair next to Prompto with his own plate and began scarfing down his food as fast as he was able.

“You'll get indigestion,” Ignis idly warned as he began taking down the tent.

Noctis speared an entire egg and shoved it into his mouth in response.

---

Luckily, Noctis's iron stomach spared them any bellyaching over their five-hour drive. As usual, he spent a good portion of the ride napping, waking now and again to challenge Prompto to a round of King's Knight or just to talk.

Prompto didn't dwell any more on his magic's weird reaction to thinking about Ardyn and instead took some time to check over his camera, saving his favorite pictures and ensuring there was enough memory left for more.

“So, you do still have it,” Gladio remarked.

Prompto twisted around so he could better talk to him. “'course I do. Could you imagine what would happen if I lost it? Think of all of the embarrassing photo's of Noct I have!”

“Would that be all of them?”

Noctis rolled his eyes. “Oh, ha ha.”

Prompto grinned at the sarcastic response. “Hey, that reminds me, I've been snapping pics of whatever catches my eye, but what do you want to see, Noct?”

“How about some shots of yourself?” Noctis said with a half shrug. “You take so many pictures of us, but you're hardly in any. This is your trip too.”

Prompto hadn't expected that as an answer. “You mean like a selfie? I guess I could do that...”

There were so many more interesting subjects to take pictures of, but if that was really what Noctis wanted, then he'd make sure to get a few.

He turned back around so no one would see the faint blush spreading across his cheeks. Noctis wanted pictures of him, and it wasn't like he was joking around the way he did the last time Prompto asked. He would never forget the hasty backpedal Noctis did when he agreed to snap some shots of the best model of their four-man team – who was Noctis himself.

(“I was joking!” Noctis protested, when Prompto happily agreed.)

They had so much fun that day. He directed Noctis into a number of increasingly ridiculous poses until they both were falling over from laughter. Perhaps he could do something similar with his selfies. They could definitely use a little extra fun.

Prompto leaned over to Ignis. “Soooo, I was thinking...”

“Care to share your thoughts before you get carried away with whatever your planning?” Ignis asked.

“The chocobo post is on our way back south, right? Think we could stop by for a while and say 'hi' to Wiz and the chocobo's?” Prompto asked.

Ignis was quiet for a moment as he thought it over. “I suppose we could spare a few hours, provided we keep our stop at Coernix Station a short one. It also wouldn't be amiss for us to check in and make sure no other Behemoth's have moved into Deadeye's territory to cause trouble.”

“Yes!” Prompto pumped a fist in excitement and settled properly in his seat for approximately two seconds before twisting around to face the backseat again. “Did you hear that, Noct? Chocobo's!”

Noctis looked amused by his excitement. “I heard.”

“It'll be good to stock up on some chocobo feed. Always makes me feel bad when we don't have any treats for the little guys,” Gladio admitted. He stretched his arms out over his head with a grunt. “And just think, you'll be able to get pictures with your feathery brethren.”

“Are you making fun of my hair again?” Prompto asked, narrowing his eyes. “Because it so does not look like a chocobo butt!”

There was some laughter and more teasing before they all quieted down. Gladio leaned back for a catnap of his own, while Prompto held up his phone, cheering inside when his alert gave a soft 'ping' to tell him Noctis was logged on.

The drives were long and taxing, but at least there were ways to pass the time.

[gracesmemoir]

7 June

except for now her smile is just as ingrained in me as it is in him now, i replay her laugh in my mind, her profile, possible expressions, her voice, to make sense of the false person i was left for. to simulate the experience of him being with her, to imagine what i can never observe and what i can never be, i put them under this state of digital surveillance to keep this sick play alive. i contemplate the aspects of her personality that are certainly better than mine: she is probably more straight-forward, more humble, better at eye-contact, pure. she seems so happy and uncomplicated and oddly like his sister. this person i not know but think about all the time and probably has spared 20 minutes thinking about me in her entire life, who is my obsession, my paradigm, who is everything i want to be. i’ve never felt more pathetic in my life but i’m also numb to it in a way, like i’ve already excepted that this is the way things are. the worst part about it all is the anxious nausea in my stomach that comes and goes, like my internal organs know about the happiness they are experiencing but i am not. “i’ve seen you three times since summer” stuck with me so much because it really put my infatuation into perspective, this engrossing, festering crush that i don’t regret but wouldn’t wish on anybody. it hurts so much.

i think the worst part about heartbreak is the hopelessness, like you will never meet someone that checks all those boxes again, that’s that easy to talk to again (started crying for the second time ever here) or has the same balance or cute and nerdy and cool hobbies or the same cute face or or as good of a kisser or cool apartment and backyard or friends and family or general goodness, because he was so good. in general but also to me. he was self-assured and accountable to himself but not in a way that made him cocky, he worked hard and didn’t bullshit things, he gave respect to people and didn’t prioritize his own ego, he was probably more self-aware than i was, he was good at expressing himself without getting nervous. i know its over and i know the best thing for me to do is to give up hope, but maybe 5 or 10 years down the line we could both get a drink at a bar. hope is such a liar. hope is what kept me going all these years, a little over 4 now, but’s its now gonna happen anymore. its never gonna be the same. i wish i was capable of feeling this way about more than one person, i think it would have been worth the pain as long as i knew he wasn’t monopolizing my thoughts anymore. i think about him so much. i see him everywhere.

The Truths are that he was my True firsts for everything, First boy to show any kind of interest in what I had to say at 15, first boy to message me like that, and the real first time i had sex. no other time before that was there any sort of romance or caressing or cherishing of each others bodies, certainly no focus on my pleasure, and i feel like her sort of broke me from that hex of being afraid of sex. I didn’t have sex for all of 2019, for such a big portion of my freshman and sophomore year of college! i was scared of the pain of course from that hilarious first time, but also i had no desire or environment to pursue sex. not in that crusty dorm room or at home or on tinder, i think i figured i might as well do it with someone i really liked. Him again. the painful part i keep coming back to is that i wasn’t his first for anything. it was all just me. what shocked me about that night was how happy statements like I want to make you cum or You feel so good made me feel, followed by post-coital remarks like “You got me cheesin’ I haven’t felt this happy in such a long time” and stories about our first kisses while we’re laying in each other’s arms naked. that’s what put the nail in the coffin! but is that what great sex is supposed to feel like? just people connecting physically and emotionally in a way that makes them both glow the day after? even if it was a somewhat-failed attempt and i accidentally blue balled him by making out for too long it was still good ass sex. These memories are bittersweet because I know I am the only one who experienced them who is pouring over them again and again or that they had any sort of major significance to, like a memory with a dead person. where i am the only one left alive keeping this memory in existence, it feels so fragile and so fleeting and so insignificant now, because i know i am the only one who fucking cares anymore. but when i saw that picture of them she posted on her public finsta on his fucking bed, her legs over him, where we had fucked a couple months prior, thats when i just became confused more than anything. how could he move on so quickly? how could he just be okay with erasing me from his life basically forever because she was SO much better? once again i now how pathetic this sounds. ive managed to rationalize my obsessive behavior by it just becoming as normal of a routine as checking my text messages. maybe it’s the quarantine madness. oh, and the timing dear god!!

it’s important to note my awareness around the fact that i idolized him, that i found absolutely everything he said and did as endearing instead of perhaps inconsiderate of me. i cherished every part of his personhood, venerated him and twisted the bad interactions we had into being my fault (which they mostly were). i accepted the careless and lame parts of him easily because i was blinded by love, but of course he could not do the same. because he never loved me, and i loved him for four years. four years placed in such an impressionable and emotional time in my life i can’t tell if they were wasted on him. probably. my lack of romantic history is concerning to me at this point but that’s a story for another time. i think my goal for the end of this year is to fall out of love with him. to move on and to learn how to love other people. i think i’m capable, there’s just this loop my brain is stuck in where i compare him to everything and it seems to be immune to fading to time. probably because i don’t have clarity and at this rate will never get it.

time is another factor that terrifies me. throughout my four years of loving him he has had 3 girlfriends that i know of. i have had none and he is currently to only sort of flame i’ve had in my entire life and that didn’t even last 2 months. i just want to know that there’s someone out there that i could potentially feel this strongly about too. otherwise what’s the point?