#i would update this blog more but my lazy ass says otherwise

[fatedfuturist]

things about my interpretation of tony stark. updated june 07, 2020.

here’s my exhaustive explanation for how i am not canon-compliant with the events and characterization of the mcu.

the reason for this is… well, there are several reasons, but i don’t want to stir shit up or just, in general, stomp on anyone else’s love for the mcu. and don’t get me wrong— i do love the mcu! but there are parts i’m critical of for personal reason, as we all have opinions on certain things. bc, yeah, you can love something, or someone, and still be logically critical about it or them.

anyway, here’s where my interpretation differs…

as per stated on my rules: i take inspiration for tony from multiple sources, including the mcu, marvel comics, the television show: avengers assemble, and my own personal headcanons. TONY IS ALSO ASIAN (SPECIFICALLY CHINESE) AMERICAN!!

i will admit that saying this isn’t particularly helpful if people don’t know, specifically, where i differ in terms of my interpretation of our dumbass genius. some of this info is scattered about on my blog, but here, it’s all consolidated into one post.

chen kun is my face claim, and i do use stuff from tony’s story from the mcu as a base. however, there are events and moments from the movies, that i selectively ignore due to personal preference; and then i build on top of my foundation with ideas, themes, and/or events from other sources such as the aforementioned sources listed above.

throwing this all under a read more because, like i said: exhaustive list. very. very. very fucking long. i’m serious– read at your own risk.

howard stark was an extremely abusive and absent father for all of tony’s childhood; tony did actively seek attention and approval from howard because he was rather aware of how famous he was and wanted the acceptance and validation from his dad; there wasn’t much shown in the mcu regarding his relationship with his father, but my inspiration for his father-son relationship comes from the comics;

an example of his verbal abuse: “you don’t want to be a sissy, now do you? stark men are made of iron!” (Iron Man, 1968);

an example of early exposure to alcohol: at age five, howard forced a drink into tony’s hand (which he did drink), stating that it would teach him “to be a man,” and that it’d “put hair on your chest” (Iron Man, 1968);

yes, this means that tony ‘forgiving’ howard in endgame is completely chucked out the window;

tony loses his parents the night of december 16, 1996 (not 12/16/1991), at the age of seventeen;

jarvis, the family butler, was more of a father to tony than howard ever was, and yes, this is why he names his first fully-functioning AI system jarvis;

tony was close with his mother, maria; she was his safehouse, and she taught him to be gentle and loving, and she also taught him the piano, which tony still periodically practices during his own time in private. in an avengers assemble episode, there is a piano in the tower that tony protects twice, which i reckon is because it has connections to his past with maria;

tony ain’t an old grandpa. i don’t see him being older than, like, 35–40 in the present time for my writing (chen kun is 44). this comes from comic and avengers assemble inspiration, which has been fairly ambiguous since they never mention his age. for plotting purposes in the mcu though, yes, he can be like 42–52 if needed.

tony is, by default, single unless otherwise stated. the reason for this is simply because i’m not big on tony / pepper in the mcu, and it’s not because i don’t like pepper (i love her as a character as an individual), but i just saw that the way they were written (so, this, yes, blames the mcu writers) was completely trash; they sort of redeemed it in endgame, but... in general, they had a lot of potential but then some writing choices pretty much ruined the ship for me;

this means that morgan does not exist unless otherwise specified and discussed, though i do enjoy the concert of tony being a dad to his own kid and breaking that cycle of howard’s shitty parenting;

i’m going to be as honest and transparent as i can: i do, for certain, love writing stevetony. they’re my primary ship. not simply in mcu dynamics, but from the comics and avengers assemble. however, like some can attest to, i will never force a ship on anyone. if you express no interest in them romantically? that’s fine. we can write them simply as good friends and comrades. i won’t stop writing or plotting with you if you don’t like them in a romantic dynamic. if you do like it that way? cool. i know it might be intimidating to discuss this given i look like complete trash for them, but i never choose who i will/will not write with based on whether we ship or not;

tony, publicly, hints toward being bisexual and biromantic a lot of the time as he’ll practically flirt with anyone at all times, but he never really openly admits it due to his oh-so ancient internalized homophobia (thank you for that one, howard and societal expectations of the time);

justin hammer is a long time rival in the industry, and often meddles with tony and his work all the time. it’s nothing new. the lack of foundation established in IM2 doesn’t provide much insight into their relationship. long story short (taken from avengers assemble): hammer is a punk bitch who’s jealous and tony is tired of him and will gladly beat his ass any day of the week whenever he drives a tank into his front door (which happens more often than not).

tony is fantastic with children. he loves getting to interact with children because he knows how excited they are to see him and/or iron man (seen in both the mcu and in the comics). this type of attention he’s okay about. if he can inspire children to do good things and be good people and be heroes in their own right, then he’s doing his job;

tony fosters the intelligence and dreams of bright individuals all the time by offering scholarships for high school graduates and post-secondary students, and also provides internship opportunities (equal opportunities regardless of race, sex, gender, religion, disability status, age, etc.)

we only see this occur with peter and harley in the mcu, but there are other kids— like riri williams! tony sees these kids for the bright minds that they have and he wants to help them and keep them safe as he knows these are the brains of the future.

let me run over iron man 3. like i said, i ignore some shit from the movies. tony doesn’t initiate the clean slate protocol, he doesn’t throw the arc reactor into the ocean, and he doesn’t remove the arc reactor from his chest. he will get surgery to get the shrapnel removed because if i were the follow the pain that comes with the comics, tony would literally be always on the verge of death at all times, requiring a chest plate to be recharged constantly to make sure the shrapnel doesn’t get closer– see? that’s a lot and i’m... lazy.

the reason for those choices are simple: clean slate protocol undoes his character progression;

the arc reactor is just a part of him as a person, stands as his heart;

avengers movie nights, (video/board) game nights, and training days exist and you will never be able to pry that out of my hands. tony always shows up fashionably late with coffee and pays for when shit gets broken by thor. team building exercises exist plenty within avengers assemble, including the fact that they share chores and decides who gets to do the next load of laundry from whoever chooses the short stick from the bunch.

tony has had anxiety and depression since he was a child. it just didn’t really flare up and get identified as a real, tangible mess of emotions and thoughts until he’d been kidnapped (and nearly died, at that). it got worse when he failed to address it until after IM3. into the present-day, tony deals with anxiety, depression, and PTSD all the time, but has improved (…sort of) when it comes to handling all of it, and certainly has grown to recognize similar symptoms in the people he cares about;

on another hand, tony has displayed symptoms of ADHD, but it’s not officially diagnosed, and some of these symptoms include, but are not limited to: hyperactivity (staying awake for days on end) and hyperfocus (hyper-focus on work), distractible (easily distracted when he’s not focused on something), rambling (talks a lot and often makes rather intuitive connections due to how busy his brain functions), impulsivity and recklessness (self explanatory), constant need to move around and/or do something (in meetings, he will be moving somehow, whether it’s tapping fingers or feet, or shifting around in his seat);

there are days where he feels inferior due to how human he knows he is (in comparison to most of his team), and other days, he feels as though he’s more machine than he is man. these feelings fluctuate depending on how he’s doing with his mental health, and/or if he hears and/or sees anything about him that points toward either idea;

there is always overwhelming guilt for those he can’t keep safe or people that die; tony doesn’t like to kill anybody (unless it’s robots, because… they’re robots, not human lives); though, if pushed far enough with no other choice, he will throw conventional morality out the window for the sake of protecting all that he believes to be for the good of the world;

tony isn’t jacked. he isn’t captain america fit, but he isn’t particularly thin, either. his body is sort of like a runner’s build (for visuals, refer to valerio schiti’s comic art of tony). i interpret tony’s body as a slight bit slimmer. he exercises, and being in the suit also is its own form of exercise. god forbid we discuss his eating habits, though. and–– he also isn’t short short, but he isn���t tall, either. he sits at 5’10”, which might be a little below the average male, but that’s about it.

speaking of eating habits, simply put: tony can’t cook for shit and that’s it. he’ll try to cook for his significant others’ on the occasion, but he can’t be blamed if he burns everything.

tony isn’t ‘woke’ or perfect, as it’s imperative to remember he grew up as rich and with financial and some social class privilege (since he was rich), despite the abuse and harassment he experienced during his youth. it’s taken him time to recognize this, and he realizes it really doesn’t cost anything to be a better person, which is why he tries to be better when it comes to his tone of voice when discussing certain topics he has no authority to be speaking of, and by taking action with simple manual labour when it comes to chores (so he doesn’t hire other people to do shit for him). he also knows he can’t be a man of ‘all bark and no bite’ when it comes to supporting people and causes, hence why he actively advocates for female and youth empowerment through both words and actions.

in regards to ca:cw events, i would prefer to ignore them. for specific-plotting purposes, this can be dropped, but i prefer the events of avengers assemble when it comes to ‘civil war’. it’s actually really simple:

tony was not honest about his intentions with the team regarding a robot that was initially made for him by howard, which ended up with an ultron reboot that nearly risked loads of civilian lives and the team’s lives;

steve confronted tony about it when they returned back to avengers tower. with tony’s insistence that everything was now fine, steve decided to resign due to tony’s dishonesty and lack of trust in the team;

this splits the team in half, where steve takes— well, they decided to leave since they didn't like tony's lack of honesty— natasha, the hulk, and the falcon to work under SHIELD as the ‘secret avengers,’ and tony, clint, and thor remain as leftover avengers (later with the addition of ant-man and temporarily, spider-man, in some missions);

in the end, they all join back together after learning to appreciate their differences and reconciling under the fact that there wouldn’t be any more secrets that could risk the world, and the team’s safety;

if i am to follow the events of the mcu— between ca:cw and infinity war, he develops nanotech for his armour, which is embedded into his very skin to accommodate for nanobots, which interacts via neural transmissions (visuals here);

tony recognizes that he lost his temper and let his emotions get to him in the moment, which fucked up shit that could’ve been talked through and fixed;

tony is an alcoholic. he recognizes that he always will be, though he’s always working toward sobriety. he certainly relapses every so often when things are rough and he feels as if he has no other options, but he’s aware that relapsing is part of the process of recovery. he has attended AA meetings (alcoholics anonymous), and has been AA sponsors for people in the past;

to skim through the events of infinity war and endgame should these be part of the things you’re curious about (this is getting really long and i’m sure you’re tired of reading this—how have you gotten this far?):

after returning from space, tony took a few months (~ five) to recover from those three months of malnutrition, dehydration, and the wound of thanos’ stab. tony sealed the front of his injury, but he sure as hell wasn’t seen dealing with the back end. during this time, he’s able to regain some muscle mass;

he lives on his own, retreating to the cabin to escape from the responsibilities of being a fallen hero who ultimately failed the people he was supposed to protect.

during the five year gap, he keeps in contact with the other avengers, but very rarely. they’re the only ones who know where he lives;

like i said— tony does not say any of that forgiving bullcrap to howard. victims of abuse don’t have to forgive their abuser, parent or not. let’s just imagine the entire interaction didn’t happen at all;

tony doesn’t die;

he used the infinity stones; but, to maintain consistency with what the mcu established w/ thanos: he sustained significant damage to his right arm, up to the shoulder and neck. it’s gravely scarred. the overall function of that arm also diminished greatly. vision out of his right eye is not as sharp as it once was, either;

a year of recovery and physiotherapy later, tony decides to amputate and go for a prosthetic. he works with shuri and wakandan tech to build an arm;

despite the end of the looming, world-ending thread, tony still battles resurfacing trauma. not every day is happy, but he is working toward recovery. there are days he doesn’t remember chunks of what happened due to the power of the infinity stones; sometimes, he doesn’t even want to remember it, anyway;

tony retires. sort of. for the most part. if the world really needs iron man, he’ll be there;

tony may have handed CEO-ship to pepper, but he still handles a lot of work for stark industries, and that’s what he primarily does post-endgame.

the multiverse and realm-traveling happens a-fucking-lot 

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 29

Chapter Summary -  Danielle and Tom meet up for something to eat, doing everything they can to avoid the one topic both are terrified to broach, and when they finally do, what happens?

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog  @jessibelle-nerdy-mum@nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

“Your usual?” Tom asked as he parked outside the restaurant he had told Danielle about.

“This place does takeaway?” she asked, looking at the upmarket establishment.

“Welcome to North London, once you’re willing to pay, you can get effectively anything.” He shrugged.

“Seriously, there’s no need for something this fancy.”

“It’s not really, I mean takeaway is takeaway. So I’ll ask again, your usual?”

“Please.” She decided not to argue.

“I’ll order and come back out.” He got out of the car and went inside, leaving Danielle to wait anxiously as she awaited his return. She jumped considerably when he hopped back into the car. “Are you alright?” he asked, looking at her somewhat startled at her reaction.

“Yeah, sorry, I was so busy thinking about other things.” she dismissed.

“Filming hours can be insane, can’t they?” He nodded understandingly.

“Yeah.” She gave a half-hearted smile.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I…I’m just worried.”

“About what?”

“What if we’re spotted?” she asked, looking around the car.

“You really don’t want to be in the spotlight, do you?” he asked, somewhat crestfallen.

“Some people aren’t made to be in front of the camera.” She replied.

“I’m really sorry for being the reason you were thrown in front of them the night we…” he cleared his throat. “I actually spoke to Luke today, after you were talking to him I mean.”

“Yeah?” she asked, concerned.

“He said you were under the impression I only kissed you because I was drunk.”

“Well, you weren’t sober.” She argued.

“But I didn’t kiss you because of that. I mean, it helped, because I was too cowardly to do it without some assistance, but I…”

“We should talk about this later.” She cut in, “After we eat.”

Feeling somewhat downtrodden, Tom simply nodded in return. “I better go see if the food is ready.” It had only been a few minutes since he had ordered, so there was no chance the food was ready, but it allowed him to escape the atmosphere in the car.

When he returned, the tension was lessened, though still somewhat there. “Smells good.” Danielle smiled taking the food.

“It’s better than good.” Tom grinned, grateful for her to take the focus off the conversation that had caused them to become somewhat awkward. The car remained in silence until they got to Tom’s home and he closed the front door. “I’ll get the plates and everything if you want to get a bottle of wine from the fridge.”

“I’m okay for alcohol thanks.” He looked at her for a moment. “I have work again at seven; the last thing I need is to be somewhat groggy, we are doing the fight scene tomorrow.”

“Right, so, shit, I don’t have anything nice.”

“It’s fine Tom, water is fine.” She smiled.

“Shit, I should go to…”

“No, Tom. Seriously, water is fine, please stop, I just want the food.” She half-laughed, well used to Tom and his need to over-perfection.

“Sorry, I just wanted this to be nice.”

“It is, or it will be when you cease torturing me by having me smell it but not taste it.” She smiled. “I’m starved.”

“Right, fuck. You get the drinks, I’ll get plates.”

“Do you want wine?”

“No, I will drive you back to wherever you’re staying, so I need to be sober.”

“Right, so what will you have?”

“Water too.”

“Should I go into a longwinded rant about you wanting water?” she grinned.

“I am just trying to be a good host.” He grumbled.

“You are Tom, and how much do I owe you for…” The indignant look he gave her caused her to stop talking. “I’ll get the next one so.”

“Deal.” He agreed with a nod. “Seriously Elle, you need to let people treat you.” He stated, handing her a plate and cutlery. “Speaking of your name, why does everyone call you ‘Danni’ now?”

Danielle groaned as she placed the naan bread on her plate. “I fucking hate it, but no one will just call me by my name.”

“So not your doing?” Tom asked, getting his chicken out of its container.

“No, I hate that name.”

“More than Elle?”

“No, Elle I like, not because of the name or anything, but because it actually comes from those who care about me, and not because some people are too lazy to say my name.”

Tom chuckled. “Fair enough.”

“Why did you call me Elle, to begin with? I mean, I know it was you that started calling me that.”

Tom shrugged. “Can’t remember, just thought of it one day and thought you looked like an Elle.”

“Well, I beg to disagree.” She smiled, sticking a fork into some of Tom’s food and eating it. “Wow, that is good.”

“Told you.” He beamed in return.

They ate the meal in relative silence, both not wanting to broach the issue that was on both of their minds. By the end of it, when Tom was bringing their plates to the sink and neither of them had actually said anything regards it. Tom stared at the plates for a moment, knowing that soon he would have to return Danielle to her hotel, otherwise, she would be exhausted at work the next day, but he had yet to speak to her regarding the kiss that they’d shared. Looking at himself in the reflection of his window, which acted almost like a mirror with the darkness outside, he tried to build up the courage needed.  A sound from his phone caught his attention, looking at it, he groaned.

Benedict – So, what happened?

Tom – Nothing.

Benedict – What?

Tom – Nothing has happened because we haven’t discussed it.

Benedict – It’s ten at night.

Tom – Yes, I am aware, I can read time Ben.

Benedict – So grab the situation by the balls Tom and talk to the woman before she dies of old age waiting for you to do something about it. Where is the cocky shit that was all bite when the world was trying to tell him about his terrible girlfriend, now you have a chance with a good woman and you are dallying around like you have forever?

Tom – What if she rejects me?

Benedict – Then at least you fucking tried, get on with it man.

“Tom?” Danielle came into the kitchen, a little startled to see Tom on the phone. “I…well I better be off so.”

“What, no, you can’t yet.” He threw the phone on the counter.

“It’s getting late, and well, you’ve been hiding in here for twelve minutes.” She stated, looking at the clock.

“I…Look Elle, can we talk about…”

“I rather not thanks.”

“But we need to.”

“No, we don’t. It was a mistake Tom; I shouldn’t have allowed you to…” Tom took large steps until he was standing right in front of her, silencing her. “I…”

“I haven’t had anything to drink.” He stated quietly.

“I know.” She nodded.

“So this time, that isn’t an excuse.” He reached down and cupped her cheek with his hand. “Elle.”

She swallowed, knowing what was to come, but she didn’t want to stop it, as much as she thought she should. When his lips descended on hers again, she sighed lustfully, in truth, she had missed them ever since she had last had them against hers. “Tom, Tom please.”

“Please Danielle, I can tell by how you’re reacting that you want this.”

“Yes, but…”

“But what?”

“Your belt is stabbing me.” She half laughed.

Frowning for a moment, Tom looked down and sure enough, the buckle of his belt was slightly open, the pointed bit jabbing into her stomach. “Sorry.” He moved slightly to not hurt her any further. Danielle’s response was to pull him down to kiss her again.

“Why do I have to be so short?” She groaned after a few minutes, her neck aching from the angle it required to be in when kissing him.

“We could go into the living room.” Tom offered, not moving too far from her lips.

“I think that best.” Danielle smiled. “TOM!” She erupted in laughter when rather than waiting for her to make her way herself, Tom hoisted her into his arms and carried her in. “I can walk.”

Tom grinned at her. “I think this is more fun.” He manoeuvred them so that he sat under her on the couch with her straddling his legs. “Better?” Biting her bottom lip, she nodded her reply. “I’m sorry.”

Danielle frowned. “What for?”

“Taking so long, I should have done this ages ago.” He toyed with her hair. “I just thought you weren’t interested, and with my work, I didn’t want to have anyone waiting for me, but as soon as I heard of you and Paul, I couldn’t bear it. Then today, when I saw him with another woman, and I thought you were still with him, I…Why didn’t you tell me when I mentioned him that you were over?”

“I don’t know.” She admitted as she bit her lip. “I just didn’t want to admit I screwed up. I only accepted Paul because I thought I could never have you. And when you kissed me, I thought it was a mistake, that you could never want me.”

Tom scoffed, “Well, that’s wrong. I very much want you.” He subconsciously grabbed her ass and pulled it down to his lap.

“You think one, albeit delicious Indian takeaway will get me to bed?” she asked. “Paul tried for months and didn’t get anywhere.”

“Wait, what? You never…?” Tom looked at her in shock.

Danielle regretted ever mentioning it. “Not that, no.” she was unsure as to how Tom would react, thinking he would not believe her or scoff, instead, he crashed his lips to hers and pulled her down as close to him as was physically possible.

“So, what does takeaway get me, what are you willing to give?” He grinned cheekily.

“Well, tonight, nothing, I have to go, I have work at seven, remember.” She groaned, genuinely gutted at the idea of leaving.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go either.” She laughed at his childish response. “But I am a boring grown-up, with boring grown-up responsibilities.”

Tom groaned, hating the fact that she was right. “Mean.”

“And perhaps it’s for the best.” Tom frowned at her. “In case you don’t want…”

“If you think you can pull the ‘you don’t know what you’re doing’ BS again, stop now. I am a grown man and I know damn well what I am doing.” He growled, placing his arms around her, he rolled them so he was over her. “And I’ll prove it.” He grinned wickedly before kissing her passionately again. Danielle’s reaction was to put her hands on his ass, an area that had caused her far too many lust-filled fantasies than could be deemed appropriate.

[blackandwhitedays]

hello

woah... it’s been over two years since i’ve logged into this blog.

i didn’t think i’d be able to recover it. thankfully i’ve been using the same five(ish) passwords for the past four years.

so much has changed since i first began posting. although, i only made about three posts. it’s not uncommon for me to come up with some bright idea to start a blog/journal then forget about it after a few entries.

 where do i even begin?

well, i graduated. and the boy i mentioned in one of my first posts? we are going on two and a half years together. crazy stuff. he was my saving grace through my last few months of high school. i don’t know what i would have done without him.

i used to post on another website called my-diary, where i updated about my life a lot more. reading those posts made my chest ache. i genuinely felt like i couldn’t breathe. suddenly, i was in high school again, overwhelmed and suicidal with no one to talk to. yeah, shit was rough to say the least.

i lost all my friends in february of my senior year. so, yeah, about two years ago now. i couldn’t really remember the details, but rereading my old entries helped jog my memory. it was all childish drama, as i suspected. my friends thought i was petty and secretly hated them, so they dropped me. i was already disliked by my entire graduating class, and suddenly i had absolutely no one. i sat alone everywhere i went. my guidance counselor accused me of sabotaging my own relationships. which now i understand as a symptom of my extreme anxiety and fear. i would destroy my relationships with others before they could hurt me first. but that’s not what i did with my friends in school. i cared for them a lot. they were all i had at the time. and they were perfectly okay with abandoning me at my lowest point because they were selfish from the start, i was just too desperate to see it.

it still chokes me up thinking about everything. i sometimes get into these weird obsessive states where i will purposely go back and reflect on my high school times and get really depressed. i don’t know why i do it. i’m so much better now than i ever was then. yet it’s like i enjoy hurting myself sometimes. perhaps to make sure i’m still capable of emoting like i used to.

but anyways, let’s talk about the now. i graduated and basically made a massive “fuck you high school and fuck everyone who hurt me.” you better believe i was the talk of the town. i got about thirty comments praising my bravery, then the next morning the hate started flowing in. people called me retarded, a dumbass, a liar, etc. all the good stuff. called me a slut for wearing crop tops. and my mother, who was so worried what others would think of HER because of the post, kicked me out. i lived on ben’s couch for several days. it was a nightmare. i thought i had hit rock bottom.

but shit moved on. i moved away and started going to college. my mom eventually apologized for being a selfish bitch about the whole situation. i forgave her, even though i don’t know if i’ll ever fully be able to. ben moved with me and got his own apartment in the same town. i ran out of money after the first semester and nowhere would give me more loans, so i had to drop out and move in with ben. we both worked as much as we could and moved back in with our parents for about a month. then we saved up and got our own apartment in a bigger city. which is where we are now. ben has a really great job working in masonry. he’s making ridiculously good money, though he has no clue how to budget and is constantly broke. i am a supervisor of a program that helps people with disabilities and brain injuries. i also make good money. i’m saving up to go back to school this fall. our apartment is small and owned by a sketchy property management company who is absolutely going to rob us of our $1,000 deposit. we also have a dog by the name of winston. he is the love of my life and i adore him more than anything in this world. 

my life has done a complete 180. there’s no denying that. the only thing that could make it better is having some friends. yep, two years later i still haven’t made a long term friend. i think it’s due to a combination of moving around a lot, working constantly, and somewhat isolating myself due to fear of getting hurt again. ben and i thought we made friends with some people living in our building. they were a couple and were pretty great for about a month. we had cooking nights where we made dinner, went hiking and exploring different cities, and hung out all the time. then the girl decided to pick a fight because apparently we opened her messages and didn’t reply right away and it upset her. i tried explaining that we’re both insanely busy and sometimes we check our phones in the spur of the moment but don’t get time to actually type out a reply. then she got even more upset and said “guess i’m not allowed to have an opinion then?” and started subtweeting about me on twitter. she also refused to talk it out in person and would only discuss it through snapchat. just really, really childish shit. then a couple weeks later they broke up. so there went that. i sometimes still talk to her but i’m certainly not interested in pursuing a friendship. i don’t need that kind of drama in my life.

sometimes i wonder if it’s me. if i really am some crazy manipulative bitch who just has no idea that she’s on some rampage to destroy everyone’s lives. but i really don’t think so. i just want some people who can come over and watch movies, chill out, etc. then when it warms up outside, we can go hiking and smoke in the woods, go on adventures at night through the city, and eat at all the different restaurants in town. i also want friends who i can make really shitty obnoxious jokes with and they will LAUGH. is that so much to ask? apparently, it is.

i do work a lot though, which prevents me from having as much of a social life as i would like. i’ve been a pretty regular smoker of weed for going on four years now. through my junior and senior year of high school as well as in college up until now. but in these last seven months since i moved into this apartment, ben and i have smoked almost every night. and boy, have i felt the effects. i definitely feel less focused and productive. i just want to come home and be lazy. which i can’t be. my job requires me to stay sharp and be productive, so i’ve decided to cut back and make it a weekend thing. it’s hard, though, because ben smokes every. single. day. and he has no plans to change that. he tried stopping and got so depressed he was feeling suicidal again, which he hasn’t felt in a long time. 

oh, and as for ben and i? yeah, two and a half years. pretty crazy. we were all over each other for the first year and a half. we fell hard for one another. it hasn’t been perfect by any means, but it’s been a good time. 

my biggest issue in the relationship is our lack of sex. i’m a very sexually driven person. i love sexually charged attention. i love a man who will slap my ass when he passes by me, and has to resist the urge to bend me over every time i “accidentally” change in front of him. ben is really not like that. his sex drive is practically non-existent, which has taken a toll on us for sure. it’s mostly because of his depression, i think, so he’s trying to get on antidepressants. they’re also for him, of course. he wants to feel happier. hopefully, it works. 

these last few months have been a little rockier. not because we’ve been fighting more or anything. but i just feel like his heart isn’t as in it as it once was. he will deny it, of course. he claims he’s never been more in love with me. and i’m sure he genuinely believes that. but his lack of effort says otherwise. i spent $150 on concert tickets for him this valentine’s day. guess what he got me? nada. like, not even flowers. or chocolate. i’m not asking for him to break his bank on me. at all. i’m the easiest girl to please when it comes to this stuff. i just wanted to feel special. and i let him know how disappointed i was. i thought expressing my feelings would make him want to make it up to me, but he hasn’t done anything. he also hasn’t done much around the house, and i’ve been working late almost every night. i like things done a certain way, and he knows that. but you’d think he’d recognize that i’m working soo much lately and that i could use the extra help around the house. but no, i have to confront him about it which leads to him getting super defensive which leads to me getting upset which leads to a fight. then the whole night is ruined. it took an entire fight for him to finally clean up one night when i was working. which was nice. but it felt like he was doing it because i made a big deal about it, not because he actually wanted to help me out.

WARNING: Vulgar rant up ahead:

i feel like i’ve sort of began building up some resentment towards him. i hate that that’s the case. but i’m getting laid maybe twice a month. i’m nineteen years old and i am fucking HORNY. and i’m not unattractive to look at by any means. it sucks so bad when i come home and try to be subtly sexy and change in front of him and dance around and all he does is stare at his fucking phone. then when i straight-up climb on him and try to kickstart things, he says he’s tired and it’s too late. it makes me not want to come home from work. there’s nothing for me here. he doesn’t pay any attention to me. the most i see him is when he eventually passes out in my lap at 9:30 at night. it’s fucking exhausting. i’m so starved of attention. i went from being so incredibly crazy about him just a few short months ago, being so positive he was the one for me, to being almost in tears at the thought of dealing with this way of living any longer. i’m trying so hard to hold out for him to see a doctor and get on meds, but i just don’t know if it will help. he’s been on some before, and he was still sad and actually thought getting off of them would help his sex drive. but surprise, it didn’t.

i can’t imagine us breaking up. i mean, i would have to completely start over. get my own place, pay for everything on my own, etc. it would be so hard. i don’t want that to happen. but i’m fucking miserable here. i can’t rely on sitting on my fucking dildo and cuddling my dog as replacements for the love i signed up for when i entered this relationship. are we fizzling out? i don’t know. but i’m sad and angry and very, very frustrated. 

and i’ll be honest, i’m really not that sexually attracted to ben in the first place. at first, i was, but he’s basically used all his moves on me and it’s pretty repetitive when we do have sex. i can’t get off without porn anymore. which i hate. i don’t even like porn that much. but it’s the only thing that works. so, would things even improve that much if he was having sex with me all the time? i don’t know. i just know that if things haven’t turned around by the summertime, i may be looking for a new place to live.

do i sometimes yearn for the freedom that comes with being single? sure. do i sometimes wish i could get laid by someone who actually has new moves to offer? of course. but do i want to sacrifice my relationship to receive these things? that’s what i’m not sure of.

i hate to even think of losing ben. it’s terrifying. i just want to feel loved. i just want to feel appreciated for everything i do around here. i try so fucking hard. but he gets so defensive when i try talking to him and thinks he contributes just as much as me (not even fucking close). i can’t even have a civilized discussion with him because it turns into a messy ass fight. wow, this is the longest post ever. i’ve talked about a lot tonight. it feels good to get some of it off my chest. it’s been building up inside for quite some time. i hope shit gets better in regards to my relationship. i need some damn love. and fast.

[hejer-maomao]

hi hello i just wanna say i absolutely adore your fluff writings (simply because it makes me giggle and i am almost physically incapable of writing fluff orz) also if it is not too much of a bother could i request sirius and lance hcs with their s/o carrying their child? like what are their thoughts or first reaction when they knew ot how are they taking care of mc. (was actually gunning for sirius sads but couldnt think of anything lmao) also yes2lancelove!! yay for another lance lover~ ♡

Heey there! Aww ❤ Thank you so much for liking my writings! I’m so glad that I’m making you laugh because your blog makes me so happy as well! 

Of course it’s not too much of a bother! Your ask is in fact too cute for words  ❤Lancelot and Sirius as fathers are too adorable not to write, so I’ll try my best to write you the fluffiest thing possible!

Yaay! Another Lancelot lover ❤ Let’s continue to give our sweet king lots and lots of love!

Now, it’s time to fulfill my promise to you!

Lancelot and Sirius reacting to/Taking care of a pregnant MC:

Lancelot:

When you first announced the news of your pregnancy, Lancelot’s mind simply blacked out. His brain fully shut out, refusing to absorb more information beyond the “I’m pregnant part”. He watched as your lips continued to spell words excitedly, your hand gently laying on your own stomach, your eyes practically sparkling with joy. No sounds reached Lancelot’s ears as he fought the quiet voices laughing at the back of his head, whispering that he is not good enough for you, that he corrupts every single thing he touches, let alone a child and that he is certainly unfit to be a father.

So Lancelot simply reacts by pulling up his iron walls around his heart and activating his self-defense mechanism, adopting silence as his weapon. His head would be spinning around with too many emotions at once. Anxiety, fear, uncertainty and boundless worry, overwhelming any sense of happiness he might have felt.

It will take him few moments to compose himself, reign his old devils back into their prison cells and finally come into terms with the fact that you are pregnant, and that he will become a father soon.

At that point, he would snap out of his miserable isolation, and raise his head to look at you, the only woman he has ever loved in his life, still smiling at him, patiently waiting for him to realize that he is not alone in this. You are by his side, now and forever.

Once the anxiety fades away, leaving space for a warm, tender feeling to occupy Lancelot’s heart, he will seek you out immediately. Lancelot would tightly hug you as close as he can to his body, careful not to put too much pressure on your stomach. 

He would be hesitant to touch your still flat belly at first, but if you gently guide his hands towards it and direct him into rubbing slow circles around it, the gentlest smile will rise on Lancelot’s lip and few long-suppressed tears will escape his blue eyes, before he looks up at you and whispers, his voice dipped in love and sweetened with adoration.

“Thank you, my love for this gift. I will cherish you both for as long as I live.”

Behavior-wise, the King of Hearts might try his best to hide how much of worrywart he has become ever since you announced your pregnancy, but his actions will definitely undergo a drastic change, shifting to the full overprotective mode. 

Lancelot will not lock you inside, smother your freedom or prohibit from being your regular active self, but he will make sure to eliminate any threats to your safety from the Red Headquarters, tightening the security around your bedroom further and ordering his soldiers to be extra vigilant in their interactions with you as to not cause you harm in any possible way. 

The most noticeable change in his attitude will surely be the increase in the time he spends by your side, just keeping an eye on you, his hand never leaving your stomach area. His job, on the other hand, will suffer and paperwork will pile up on the King’s office making Jonah want to pull his hair off and drive Edgar and Zero to the edge as well.

The bigger your belly gets, the more attached Lancelot gets as well. He would spent hours upon hours softly caressing the growing bundle, his gaze tender, trembling with unspoken promises and dreams, whispering his deep affection and praise into your ears.

Lancelot might have some doubts from time to time about how suitable he is for the role of a father, but he will firmly believe in the love he has for you and in the sparkles of hope growing inside his chest each time he feels the baby move or kick in your stomach. 

Lancelot has never been this happy before in his life, and he cannot wait to welcome the fruit of your love into this world.

Sirius:

You will not have the chance to finish up speaking before you are instantly swept off your feet and lifted high in the air, Sirius’ bright smile and teary eyes greeting you from below as he spins you both around before crashing his lips to yours in a hungry kiss, a kiss which will undoubtedly leave you breathless.

Once your feet are back on the ground, you will not wait long to find yourself wrapped inside Sirius’ sturdy arms, your head leaning on his chest, listening to his frantic heartbeat echoing in your ears.

Sirius will not be able to let go of you for a long time, his head buried in the crook of your neck taking in your smell and absorbing the happy moment.

“This is too good to be true,” Sirius would utter in a hoarse voice, “Please tell me I’m not dreaming…”

Sirius will feel and act as if he is on the ninth cloud in heavens after hearing the news. His happiness will be engraved upon his face and reflected in his actions to the point that even Ray and Fenrir’s most idiotic actions will not manage to render him angry as it would usually. This man’s dream has always been to build a family with the woman he adores, so your pregnancy news would be the most wonderful news he could even wish for.

If you thought Lancelot was too protective with his actions then wait and see Sirius with his borderline obsession with your safety and comfort. With the Queen of Spades by your side, you won’t even need to lift a finger. Your meals will be personally delivered by him to your bedroom, colorful flowers will appear daily beside your pillow and all of your requests and desires will be be met with approval, no matter how ridiculous they are.

Be sure that Sirius will immediately wake up to lift your hair up when your morning sickness hits you. He will give you the most soothing feet massages when your back pain tortures you all day, and will hold you tight when fatigue weakens your body.

Sirius will quickly adapt to his new role as a father thanks to his childhood spent raising his younger siblings alongside his parents. But that does not mean he is too sure of his abilities and skills. 

Sirius will read hundreds and hundreds of book and study all material related to pregnancy and babies in order to make sure he will not mess things up. Although he might try to hide his worries so he will not distress you in return, Sirius will be on edge the closer your delivery gets. At certain days he will be a mess as he reads books about miscarriages and articles warning about the high possibility of a health deterioration if the mother is not well taking care of.

But once he sees you standing outside in the courtyard, laughing your heart out as Ray attempt to strangle Fenrir, your eyes glowing with raw happiness, Sirius would suddenly feel at ease. Seeing you bathed in sunlight, wide smile embroidering your face, Sirius would know that you will undoubtedly make it past all of this and bring to the world the most lovable child, a child Sirius swears to protect till his last breath.

*Takes a deep breath* GUESS WHO’S BACK Y’ALL? 

It’s meeeee! *cries in happiness*

Yesterday was my last day of exams, and I went out on a mini trip to eat the hugest pizza I have ever seen in my life with my friends ❤

Now I am FINALLY back to answer your asks and get my blog back to life!

I have now fulfilled my promise to @incorrectikesenquotes! I hope this makes you happy, my dear ❤ 

I’m hoping to continue updating often during my spring vacations, so please look forward to seeing more of me! (although it is highly possible that my lazy ass might decide otherwise but oh well I’m staying hopeful 😂😂)

See you!

[midzelink]

fic rec masterpost

I finally have enough fics to start compiling them in one place!  Just a few notes before we get started:

This list will be updated in the future!  I’m putting everything under a cut, so I can add, edit, and remove things to my liking.

All fics are complete, unless otherwise noted.  

Feel free to send in your own suggestions for additions!

Some of these fics didn’t have proper author-ordained summaries, so I wrote some of them up myself, or edited them to be more summary-like.

No matter how good the plot, dialogue, or prose is, no fic containing explicit sexual content (read: smut) will make it onto this list.  Sorry!  I’m not into that sort of thing.

————

And now: to the fics!

(Re: the “relationship” segment - I’ve taken to using AO3′s tag system here, so a forward slash ( / ) indicates or hints at a romance, while an ampersand ( & ) is meant to be more familial or platonic.  And don’t worry - if there’s a slash between two characters who are children, there won’t be anything nasty in there.  They’re just kids!) 

twilight princess

title: Chiaroscuro

author: Xekstrin

words: 1,861

tags: Post-Canon, Drama, Bittersweet

relationship: Link/Midna, Link/Zelda, Midna/Zelda

summary: Zelda and Link learn how to talk to each other. They paint a picture of someone they miss.

notes: Don’t shy away from that weird title!  A beautiful depiction of Link and Zelda’s life after the broken mirror that involves them continuing to live their lives.  And not, y’know, wallowing in angst.

————

title: From the Shadows

author: Ophelia_Black

words: 59,438 (**ONGOING**)

tags: Post-Canon, Alternate Ending, Marriage of Convenience

relationship: Midna/Zelda

summary: The Shadow Invasion left wounds across both Hyrule and the Twilight Realm, and neither Zelda nor Midna are eager to face the task of binding them up. Old prejudices and weaknesses are laid bare, and the idea is posed of reuniting the two realms to prosper together. Is their plan a folly born of desperation, or the most revolutionary undertaking either kingdom has seen in centuries?

notes: After putting it off for a long, long while, I finally dipped into this bad boy, and man oh man, I was not disappointed.  There is so much attention to detail and care that has gone into breathing life into a world we get such a small glimpse of in the game, and Ophelia kicks ass at writing even the simplest of actions.  Did I mention Midna and Zelda are gonna get married?

————

title: Fairytales

author: UnderTwilight

words:  515

tags: Humor, Fluff

relationship: Link/Midna

summary: Link believes he has the solution the imp-sized problem his companion faces.

notes: Short, sweet, and not as incredibly out-of-character as so many other fics like it.  Worth a minute of your time.

————

title: not irreversible

author: Elendraug

words: 3,603

tags: Post-Canon, Happy Ending

relationship: Link/Midna

summary: The Mirror’s destruction was not inevitable, but destroyed it very much was.  He’ll find his way back to her.  No matter how long it takes.

notes: The very first Midlink fic I had the pleasure of reading, and still one of my favorites.  As of this writing, the only reunion story I’ve read that didn’t feel cheap and lazy.

————

title: Bartending 101

author: khaki knight

words: 2,538

tags: Post-Canon, Drama

relationship: Link/Midna, Link/Ilia (Implied One-Sided)

summary:  “A bartender is only ever as content as her customers…” In the aftermath of Twilight, Telma receives an unexpected guest in need of some guidance.

notes: What can I say?  I love me some Telma.  Is it because she’s a bartender?  That’s it, isn’t it?  I blame the DnD lover in me.

————

title: Seeing You

author:  KaeStela

words: 840

tags: Post-Canon, Bittersweet

relationship: Link/Midna

summary:  Maybe "see you later" can happen after all.

notes: Who knew that first-person could be written well after all?  This is the kind of stuff I live for.  Thematic, succinct, mute Link, happy but not “she found her way back after like a year and they got married and had babies” happy.  Simply beautiful. 

————

title: The Ever Under

author: AzarDarkstar

words: 2,031

tags: Alternate Ending, Drama

relationship: Link/Midna

summary:  In a world where Link followed Midna through the Mirror of Twilight, now shattered beyond repair, happy endings are what we make of them.

notes: This one hits hard.  That’s all I’ll say.

————

title: No Such Counsel

author: Guardian1

words: 2,753

tags: Post-Canon, Drama

relationship: Link/Midna, Link/Zelda (Implied One-Sided)

summary:  “Wolf or dog, what does it matter?” “Dogs, Princess–dogs wait forever!”

notes: Admittedly, I don’t much like the way Zelda is characterized here (TP Zelda is obviously a lesbian, and damn, leave poor Ashei alone!), but I’m including it because it’s written fairly well and the ending is humorous and clever.

————

title: You

author: godtierGrammarian

words: 4,272

tags: Alternate Universe (Modern), Happy Ending

relationship: Link/Midna

summary:  When Link is eight, new neighbors move in across the street, and so begins the greatest adventure of his life.

notes: This fic was so damn good I made a FF.net account right after I read it for the first time just so I could review it.  Can you believe that?  Making a FF.net account in 2019?  I didn’t even think a modern AU could be good!

————

title: no matter how long it takes

author: Elendraug

words: 1,128

tags: Mid-Canon, Fluff

relationship: Colin/Ralis

summary:  Colin promises to watch over a sick Prince Ralis after he is brought to Kakariko.

notes: This is one of the first rarepairs I ended up getting swept up into around the time I first started this blog.  I am eternally grateful that even a single fic exists, and that is was written but the same person who wrote not irreversible, because that’s just damn good writing.  Anyways, Colin is a Young Gay, change my mind.

————

majora’s mask

title: King of the Fishing Hole

author: Ibijau

words: 4,281

tags: Alternate Universe, PTSD

relationship: Link & Ganondorf

summary: Ganondorf owns the Swamp Fishing Hole, a good way to stay near his aging mothers. It's quiet work. Until the moon starts falling, and an odd child comes visiting.

notes: Ganondorf is just A Dude in Termina - honestly, this is how the game should have been.  A real missed opportunity there.  This was such a fun and interesting read, so much so that it earns its spot as the first non-TP fic on this list!

————

minish cap

title: Stoneheart

author: Ophelia_Black

words: 6,675

tags: Canon Compliant, Angst with a Happy Ending

relationship: Link & Zelda

summary:  The prophetic visions and blind musings of Princess Zelda as she waits, sealed in stone, for a rescue that might never arrive.

notes: I’ve never given Minish Cap much more than a single playthrough without a spare thought, and this made me cry. You’d think a story told from the point of view of someone who has been turned to stone would be boring.  You’d think wrong.

————

other

title: Don’t Say That I Didn’t Love You

author: Ophelia_Black

words: 4,000

tags: Canon Compliant, Angst & Hurt/Comfort

relationship: Midna/Zelda, Link/Midna, Hilda/Zelda, Link/Marin

summary:  It’s hard to say goodbye. A series of 500 word drabbles, in which final farewells are said to Fi, Ezlo, Navi, Tatl, Midna, Aryll, Marin, and Princess Hilda.

notes: Like it says on the tin.  There’s not much I can say here, except, y’know, read it, because everything Ophelia puts to paper is pure gold.  Spoiler alert: the Link’s Awakening one hurts the most.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[scummy-writes]

oh no worries!! yeah, i was a little nervous about putting my url in there but that is totally fine! i'm SO sorry about that!! um, my question was how can i start my mystic messenger HC profile going? im not sure if i should start reblogging stuff from MM blogs i love or if i should just try to focus on posting original content. again, super sorry about that, my bad! i adore your writing and i hope your life gets a little less hectic from here on out. have a great day!

Ahh, don’t worry so much about the url thing, I’m not offended or upset.

I haven’t really talked about me being uncomfortable shouting blogs out randomly before. I’m sorry I had to use your message as an example, but I also wanted to answer the rest of the ask. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.

I have written about this in the past, and so I am going to link to where I’ve talked about this before, (Here!) But I am also going to include a few new tips since, well, that post is from Oct of 2017.

In regards to your question- I would try and focus on original content first. I know that might be weird to see me say, as for a while I had a constant queue going on this blog, and nowadays I mainly just reblog other’s posts rather than making new content, but there are reasons for that.

If you make your blog pure reblogs, all anyone is going to come to your blog and see, first and foremost, that you seem to be a reblog blog and nothing else. It’s good to build up a small following based on the content you produce to where, mainly, a majority of your followers are there because they know you write and like your writing.

It’s hard to get a following for the content you produce if you don’t produce any, and if you focus on fandom reblogs instead.

Does that make sense? If not, send me another ask and I’ll try to explain it better.

Expanding on old tips with some new:

- Make sure your blog is easy to navigate on both desktop and mobile.

With this I mean including hotlinks onto your description for mobile like I have here:

This is so people can easily find out where I post my fics, my masterlist, and (back when I used to accept requests) my rules. It’s handy for mobile users. The coding for this is:

    (put word you want to have as the link here)   

Of course, remove the shitton of spaces I put there so the coding shows up, but that’s an easier way for folks on mobile to view the important links you have on your blog.

For desktop, make sure your theme allows the text to be seen clearly. 

Good example:

Tumblr makes the text a bit blurry in this picture (thanks you pos site), but the text shows up well with the background, isn’t too hard on the eyes, unlike this-

Bad example:

With my theme, this box is a bit small, the text isn’t as bright as it could be to ensure readability, and it kind of hurts my eyes. I have no idea why I set it up like this, but since people don’t really visit my blog much anymore I’m way too lazy to change it.

- Harrassment. I really didn’t think the harassment issue in the mm fandom could get any worse- from the hard r*ka discourse and the constant bullshit discourse of shipping wars that is prevalent in every god damned fandom, but now zines and supporters of some zines have received even worse harassment than the basic stuff. A good thing to do with this is to try your best not to let it get to you, and block whoever is sending you the messages. That’s it. There’s bullshit baiting on this site constantly that says if you don’t answer rude ass, unjustified, hateful anons, then you’re a ‘coward’ or some ridiculous bullshit- and that’s exactly what it is- bullshit. The block button is there for a reason, and don’t be afraid to use it.

- Do not get upset if your blog doesn’t take off. Firstly, I’m sorry if this comes out as negative, but please, please, do not beat yourself up if your blog doesn’t get popular. Please just do this for fun, and if you receive a lack of notes on your posts, I can guarantee the main reason for that is going to be because this game has been out for almost three years now. I can promise that the main reason, and probably nearly the sole reason, that my blog took off was because I started it two years ago when the fandom for the game was still booming. And yes, the fandom for this game is still alive, but it’s dwindled significantly. A large number of blogs I followed for MM content have moved on to other things, and with Cheritz refusal to update us more with the promised After Ends/Ssum, people are dropping out pretty fast. 

That is not your fault, and will never be your fault. It’s probably going to be hard getting a lot of followers, if that's your goal, for your content with how long the games been out, but in no way will that ever mean your writing is bad, or less, or anything negative. 

I’m probably incoherent, but my end point is to Not Beat Yourself Up if your note count on posts isn’t high. Don’t compare your posts with blogs that have been out for a while, don’t think that your writing is bad- Keep your head up and keep doing what makes you happy, and please god don’t get in the mindset of comparing yourself to others, because it’s a hard hole to climb out of once you dig it.

that sounds really negative but wheeze please just do this for fun. Please keep it for fun, because otherwise, from at least my personal experience, it can be very draining if you don’t keep it at the ‘for fun’ part.

[eyes-of-dominance]

@lil-deviousbrat for asking me to answer all the questions.

1.  what is your biggest kink?

Spanking; it’s been my thing since before I had any idea what sex was, and it’s what led me to the rest of my kinks. However, any form of domestic discipline kinda applies here as well. I just have a thing for naughty girls learning their lesson.

2.  describe your go-to masturbation fantasy

I have a few, but my most common is surprisingly a low-key bed time or otherwise domestic spanking. The girl being punished is usually dressed in sweatpants or cute pajama bottoms. She’s led to the edge of my bed as we talk about the offense; usually she gets very whiny and apprehensive about what’s about to happen, begging me not to, but to no avail. I then lower her bottoms, put her over my knee, and give her an exceptionally hard spanking with multiple implements until her ass is cherry red, tears are flowing, and her apologies and cries fill the room. After a post spanking lecture, it then usually leads to sex or an edging session for her. There’s a couple variations; sometimes she’s gagged for mouthing off or tied up for not cooperating, a lot of times I imagine her doing corner time beforehand, admiring her cute bottom before the main event, the implements used often change based off what I’ve been excited about recently, though the hairbrush usually features in some capacity. I sometimes find it weird that the majority of my sexual fantasies are kinda low-key and domestic in nature, but I guess I just like to fantasize about the kind of life and relationship I want more than something a little more conventionally sexy or scenario based. Even in my other more specific fantasies, the roots often trace themselves back to this core scenario.

3. do you play a more dominant or submissive role?

If it wasn’t clear by now, dominant.

4. describe a roleplay scenario you would enjoy

I’m not terribly big on roleplay; as stated earlier a lot of my fantasies are more domestic in nature, and that dynamic covers a lot of what I enjoy. That being said, there’s some things I can see myself having fun with. The classics of teacher/unruly student, coach/lazy player, boss/secretary, preplanned forced sex, all sound fun and enjoyable in their own way.

The main one that sticks with me in came from the internet. I read it awhile ago, so the details are fuzzy, but there was a scenario where the Dominant acts as an interrogator trying to get a piece of information from the submissive, given to her before the scene. The Dominant, within limits of course, then tries to extract that information from the submissive in any way he can, spanking, bondage, clamps, edging, until the submissive can’t take it anymore any gives it up. Perhaps a reward can be given to the submissive if she successfully keeps the secret within a time limit, so there are some stakes. Sounds like a really fun way to assume a character and have fun with it while still giving it some meaning as well.

5.  what’s a kink that you’re not into but would do for a partner?

I’m very sexually adventurous, in that I really don’t have much that I couldn’t get into to some degree or wouldn’t try for a partner. I guess the easiest answer for something I’m not innately interested in would be the more overt aspects of ageplay. I’m not really into paci’s and diapers and all that; I’m much more naturally attracted to middles in that regard, but if I liked the girl enough I could see myself giving it a shot.

6.  what was the best orgasm you ever had?

I mean, that’s a hard thing to keep track of. One that stands out in my mind is when I was writing a story. I was trying to plan it out in my head before I actually began to write it, and I absentmindedly just began stroking as I thought about it. Wasn’t very vigorous, just enough to keep me hard and in the mood. At least an hour passed, probably more thinking back to it, where I was just stroking myself thinking about all the things I’d do to this brat, and by the time I started going at it in earnest and reached the edge, it became overwhelming. The orgasm lasted a fair bit longer than usual, was extremely intense, and I came far, far more than I normally do, which was a sensation in itself. The funny part is, I can’t remember what story it was even for, because my mind ended up drifting off the original course.

7.  do you have any kinks you’re ashamed to admit to?

Not that I can think of.  As a kid/young teen I didn’t really understand why I was different in my desires, and I’m not exactly out telling everyone about my dominant feelings everyday, but I have come to terms with my kinks/fetishes and see them as much a part of me as any other, if not more so. There’s pretty much nothing I’m into that a close friend wouldn’t be able to ask about. 

8.  what’s a kink you enjoy in fantasy but wouldn’t really want to try?

There’s a few that there’s too many issues with. The first is a very public spanking. Now, I have little qualms about spanking a naughty brat in front of her/my friends, or in a place that it could potentially/likely be seen or heard by someone else. But the kind of fantasy you sometimes see in stories about a Dom turning his submissive over his knee in the parking lot of a crowded store, the bathroom of a mall, or otherwise around a ton of strangers? It’s hot to think about, that she gets her punishment wherever and whenever, no matter who’s around, but involving other non consenting people in my kink isn’t sexy, I’m sure it’d be way too much anxiety for both her and me, and I’d rather not have to explain D/s to a crowd of randos. 

The second is really, really long term denial. Like the several months to a year kind. As hot as it is to read stories about, there’s one major problem; I love to see girls cum. Particularly a girl I’m involved with. The only person a several month denial period would be harder on than me is the poor girl subjected to it.  I still love denial as both a punishment and as a power dynamic, but I’d likely stick to the shorter term variants. 

Also, hardcore bondage. Can look very sexy in porn and in photos, but I’m not exactly looking to wrap my girl from head to toe and hang her from the ceiling any time soon.

9.  would you say you’re sexually adventurous?

I would, especially within the realm of my kink. My main hard limits are knife/blood play, and stuff like scat. Pretty much everything else within the dynamic I am open to try.

10.  tell us about the kinkiest sex you’ve ever had OR if you haven’t had sex, your kinkiest masturbation session

Well, one of my single greatest regrets is that the one time I’ve had sex it wasn’t kinkier. So that leaves masturbation, which raises the question, kinkiest way I’ve masturbated or kinkiest thing I’ve masturbated to? I don’t really know how to respond to the former; aside from switching up techniques and adding some different stimulation, I’m not sure what constitutes as kinky or not. For the latter, I’ll go with fantasies, not like videos I’ve seen since that’d be too hard to track down. The kinkiest thing I’ve fantasied about would probably be the ‘sex doll for a day’ style fantasy. Where the submissive is gagged, blindfolded, earplugged, and tied up extensively, and spends a prolonged period of time being an ass to spank and a set of holes to fuck. Completely impractical and arguably dangerous in real life, but it’s hot to think of a consenting girl being put in such a position that you have complete and utter sexual control over her for a prolonged period, where she has no idea when or in what manner she’ll be used, only that she’s going to be there quite a long time.

11.  has a scene in mainstream media ever tripped your kinks really hard?

Quite a few times. I love Tangled for so many reasons that aren’t sexual, but the bondage potential for Rapunzel’s hair is quite endless, and any time she is especially adorable trips my daddy side quite hard. I never really watched the show, but I remember my friend once reblogged a gifset of Jade from Victorious being put in time out; that did a lot to me.  Any scene in which a cute female character is mildly embarrassed or put in a compromising position tends to trigger the sadist in me. I actually have to give this one a little more thought, since I’m sure there’s a ton more but I’m kinda drawing a blank at the moment.

12.  how did you discover one of/some of your biggest kink(s)?

There’s not really a huge moment of self discovery for most of them. I was interested in spanking as long as I can remember. My first developing sexual thoughts were about spanking pretty classmates and girls I knew rather than touching breasts or normal adolescent thoughts. That developed into my love of domestic discipline and traditional D/s in all its shapes and forms over the years. I will say that Realspankings helped shape a lot of my sexual preferences, and I started learning a lot about spanking and discipline in general from reading Michael Masterson’s old blog.  I didn’t really get into the more broad world of BDSM until late adolescence, and specifically the DD/lg side of things until I came to Tumblr, and more specifically met @lil-deviousbrat. All the other stuff has just fallen into place over time.

13. are you into [send a kink]?

The brat that asked to to answer all the questions neglected to give me a kink to answer this one. Until she gets back to me with one, this will remain blank.

[Updated: The kink is suspension rope play]

Rope play in general is something that I’m curious about, but am somewhat apprehensive to get involved with, as I have learned that I am very much a novice at it. It definitely can be hot, and if I ever get better at it I think my interest may increase, but for the moment it’s a fantasy only type thing, until I can get reasonably good at restraining a non-airborne girl.

14. do your real life friends know about your kinks?

A few do. My brother and a close friend know explicitly.  My brother’s girlfriend/fiance used to joke about me being DD/lg a lot, but I’ve never responded to it and she to my knowledge doesn’t know any specifics beyond that. I assume my mother kind of knows, but we’ve never discussed it outright. Outside of that, I tend to make jokes that hint at the fact with my close friends, but I doubt any of them know beyond a suspicion at best.

15. what is the weirdest situation that has ever turned you on?

I’m not sure about weird, I’d have to ruminate on that one a bit, but I’ve had a few unexpected/sudden ones that kind of count. I remember I was in the pool with my friend that I had a gigantic crush on. We had a slide right next to the pool, that occasionally we would jump off (maybe 7-8 feet up) into the deep end. I remember that she went to climb it, put her foot on the edge, and stalled for a second. I, somewhat worried for her safety, told her jokingly that she better not jump. She mock responded something to the effect of “what, you’re gonna come and get me?” So I got out the pool, walked over to the ladder, and started to climb it briefly considering how to bring her down from the ladder. I ended up letting her jump, but the D/s part of me was instantly and massively triggered by the whole event.  Another one is when she tried to tickle me, and as we wrestled for control I ended up with her pinned over my knee with both hands behind her back. To say I was aroused would be an understatement. Not very weird, but was definitely a “0 to 100″ moment.

In general, the “weird” things that turn me on tend to be innocent phrases or scenarios that relate back to D/s. I will also say that I get intensely turned on by expressions. Some make sense, like a girl rolling her eyes or flushing with embarrassment, but there will be times where I have no idea why it turned me on at all. Some might consider that weird.

[ryuuguu-rena]

→ R ・U ・L・ E ・S

Rules { last UPDATE - 05/30/2019 }

x- I will not rp with everyone, I’m currently indie but very selective.

please note that my blog here is highly selective. I will only interact and rp with people I feel comfortable with. With other words I can be picky when it comes to whom I follow. If we aren’t mutuals it doesn’t mean you can’t send me asks or memes but please know that it’s very unlikely that I will start a rp with you. I will however, always try to answer everything as much as I can ic; and eventually ooc;

x- posts&&;threads

I can write starters but not particularly fond of doing so. I think I’m not skilled enough to come up with an interesting intro. Sometimes I’ll post starters however…

Each day, there is a chance I reblog at maximal 5 memes. Exceptions can happen but it will never go beyond 7 memes per day. I don’t want to spam your dash.

If you want to reply to an ask or meme , then please post a new thread tagging me in it. I don’t like reblogging asks.

When I reblog memes, feel free to send me some it can be either ic, on anon or off. I will definitely try my best to reply to each ask

my writing style differs via mode. Sometimes I write a lot, sometimes not. My preferences are para-semi and novella. There is absolutely no need for you to do the same in return. But if we have chosen a semi para rp I ask kindly that you refrain from sending a single line as reply. I always allow this for asks and crack rps tho. I’m not a professional writer so please expect me to have writing flaws. English is not my native language after all. But I do my best.

roleplay

Planning to kill my character? Notify me first and we’ll discuss it. mentally or physically tormenting my character is okay but refrain from anything lewd.

When we start a roleplay, I try always strictly to stay in character, Rena will not just appear in your timeline/world without a proper plot.

I approve of M!A’s but I have a right to refuse them when I don’t like them, or think of them as too ooc;

If you are part of a MMOFRPG group and would like to rp with me, don’t be afraid to approach me. I used to rp at MMOFRPG for an entire year and I don’t mind roleplaying with you just because you’re part of a group.

I do have mains, And I don’t intent to replace them. Chances are very high I will reply to my mains first before anyone else. but that does not mean I ignore you, I will get to your reply too. If you however think I missed it, hit me up pls.

I try my best to make each roleplay enjoyable for my roleplay partner, chances are , I’m trying even to meet your way of writing, to please you.]

I can be very slow with replies, please be patient.

Threads come and go. Don’t take it badly when I drop our thread, we can always start a new one. or maybe our preferences of writing just doesn’t match, in that case I’m still willing to interact ic; via asks and similar but long threads are out of question.

If I drop a rp it can have many different reasons but certainly not because I didn’t enjoy to rp with you. The same goes vice versa.

Mun is over 18 years old

Personally, when it comes to smut, I prefer noncon themes, Unless you rp Keiichi. because Rena loves Keiichi and out of her own will she wouldn’t even consider to sleep with anyone else. However, she often deals with people that clearly cross the line. Making her more insane.

IMPORTANT: I will not rp any lewd here with anyone.

The only one I sometimes rp this with is my husbando but we do not rp it here on tumblr.

Rena was almost raped in the past in Ibaraki. By the only male friends she made, 3 classmates- one of them ( Kouhai ) was related to her best friend Ozaki Nagisa. During the rape attempt , she injured the boys with a baseball bat, and smashed all the windows of the school. After that happening and after Nagisa’s death*  who was actually murdered ) she was left with a major trauma. Increasing her to believe more strongly into Oyashiro-sama’s curse. This is not made up or a headcanon, but it’s actually canon from Higurashi Sui - Tokihogushi-hen. You can look it up , if you wish to do so. The reason I mention this, is because not everyone knows about Tokihogushi-hen arc. I approve of that kind of rp because I absolutely love angsty-themed rps,

another aspect of this might be my husbando, since he roleplays mainly edgy Battler, it’s more ic; for our muses; rena loves Keiichi, and even if she falls for Battler during an rp, there is no way she’d fall for the edgy Battler too. Since he’s literally a nightmare of the original Battler.

mun&IMPORTANT details!

Please note that what I write has nothing to with the real me. Though, I won’t lie that my muse and me are very similar, I’m in no way supporting everything that my muse does.

Furthermore, I know that RP is just for fun indeed, However. Rena is REALLY important to me. I rp  Rena since a long long time and never got bored of it and never will.  Rena is not just a muse/character for me, it’s basically part of my life and very strong influence on me. Not to mention we share lots of things in common. Rena helps me to keep my cool. This character means all to me. It’s literally a part of myself, very important to my soul. So much that I changed my real name to Rena long ago.

This is also why , I’m trying absolutely always my best to be absolutely ic; and that’s not difficult to do for me because I know all the higurashi games and even study japanese. You may will realize this whenever I talk/rp with someone of my rp partners in kanji.  

Due to learning japanese, I keep using lots of japanese catch phases that Rena says during rp’s. However, I never use anything that may seems too hard to be understood. So please do not let this be of a disturbance to you , If you ever want to know what I’m saying however, please just mention it in your tags.

Now as for myself, there isn’t much to say. I told you already my real name is Rena and I’m a hardcore 07thExpansion fan. I’m actually mysterious and not very open hearted. Some may even see me as arrogant for being an INTJ. but that’s not true at all, I’m just a picky person in general. I have a sideblog that I use mainly to reblog and post all kind of 07thExpansion stuff and moe culture. @maid-rena​

Discord/SKYPE/TWITTER: is eventually available upon request

this blog will have trigger warning contents.

RP’s can get quite dark, angsty, psychotic and bloody. Trigger warning content such as gore, homicide, torture, self-harm, can or will happen, but will be tagged accordingly.

IMPORTANT: Again, I will never approve of a smut rp here on tumblr.

formating

Edits, Icons and Layout are made by myself unless otherwise stated. Most of my icons are edited and cleaned by me, please don’t use them.

I made over 1k icons before but unfortunately. I lost many, likely I will make new icons again.

the mun faceclaim here for myself is roon from azur lane

I’m not the best editor however and I really suck making themes so chances are low that I will update my theme often. However if you’re skilled and talented in editing and making themes, then you’re absolutely free to help me out, Like, totally  ~

I sometimes use scripting and sometimes not, it’s always up to my laziness and mood and it often depends on me being mobile or using my laptop.

about rena

Rena has been through a lot of shit. She is bad-ass insane at times. However, Rena isn’t a killer-loli, She’s much more than that. Despite her usual cheerful and childish behavior, she’s actually one of the most matured characters in Higurashi with a really deep personality. And I will roleplay her accurate to the games not the anime.

You may consider Rena as a Yangire which isn’t just wrong, but please keep in mind that her deceiving treats come from her delusions most of the time and such come again by 80% from the hinamizawa syndrom.

Rena has the highest number of murders of the club members because in Yoigoshi-hen (the alternate version of Tsumihoroboshi-hen) she successfully blew up the whole school which killed 15 children (including herself, Mion, Satoko, Rika and Keiichi), likewise, she murdered Houjou Teppei and Mamiya Rina.

Rena is not mentally labile, tho she may seems evil at times, she is neither good or bad. One could most likely say she’s very ‘sick’ at times. Absolutely delusional.  If I had to categorize her, I’d say she’s “chaotic good”.

For further information about her mental disorders, please follow this LINK

[shocksurprise]

So, i feel like maybe I owe you guys an explanation/life update?? So here’s that I guess???

Uhhh, life is stressful basically.

I’ve got a boyfriend who has fucking dug my dumb ass out of a lot of shit. 

My mum is doing her best. She’s getting better.

My car is doing okay, smelling like burning oil this morning, but I’m thinking it might be the winter tires on it. (It’s fucking February, what the fuck, i didn’t make that choice.)

My dad is doing okay i think??? I haven’t really talked to him. I apologized for being absent on my family chat cause I haven’t been home much on weekends???

My job is fucking great. I get to fucking stand in a room with 20+ dogs for 2 hours and get paid for that shit. Only working weekends, but money is money.

My co-works are chill. We got short staffed Sunday and i had cottages, a separate building, and the 2 others (we’re meant to have 5 people) straight up left. And when i came back to the main building another co-worker from a different section was like, “...bro, they both left over an hour ago???”

I took the car keys from my mum about a monthish ago cause she was drunk. She attacked me and I had to run out the back door.

Then a week and a half ago I came home and her drug dealer was passed out on my sofa. That lead to me writing a very angry and strong worded letter. 

She still has the letter. She looks at it every day. It keeps her going I guess. But she’s not drinking, I get to be home, and my boyfriend can be over. She’s way more lenient than my boyfriends parents, so sex is a lot safer.

Got an IUD, don’t worry, not getting pregnant. Shit was free. It was lit. Didn’t hurt at all. My period is basically nothing now??? Gotta wear liners 24/7 cause otherwise I’ll fuck my underwear up even more.

Oh yeah, that too, having a lot of sex??? It’s a fun time?? Still really really confused on sexuality cause I can’t imagine doing that with anyone other than him??? Like, it’s fun and it feels nice, but i still don’t see sex as a necessity???

Smoking a lot of weed??? Like good god. I’m on a week tolerance break rn cause it started to fuck with my head again. Five or six days smoking in a row will do that???

My driving habit’s are still unsafe as shit in the weirdest way. I come too a 100% complete stop at stop signs, use my blinker/turn signal excessively, and obey nearly every law other there....other than speed limits.

I straight the fuck up have my entire school route down to a T when it comes to where the cops hide. There’s a section at the very beginning where there are no other turns, it’s just a road with no shoulder or hiding spots. Speed limit is 35 mph. I did 70 down it this morning til I saw a fucking County Transportation car with flashy lights.

Another road, that’s on my way to my boyfriends/on my way to work from my boyfriends, the limit is 40 mph. Well, there’s a tunnel that goes under a runway to the airport. I have done 80 on that road after the tunnel. Why??? Cause cops can’t sit in the section ever cause they can’t use their radios. Why?? Airport. Tower.

Like, legit, I found out my car can do 90 mph and not fall a-fucking-part like i thought i would. It was like 1am and the highway was straight up empty.

Uhhh, I mean, other than that, nothing real big??? I need a car wash??? The salt is going to start eating my car from the roads when it was icy if i don’t get one soon.

Gas is pretty cheap rn thank god??? I’m broke?? We went to Cape to get Taco Johns and I thought i had $20 in my account, just enough for gas. I check it the next day, and the tank i got in Cape withdrew. They put a $1 hold to fucking trick me????

Oh, school sucks shit. I have a sub for my Photography and Graphic Design cause my teacher is on maternity leave. The sub is a fucking cunt. End of story. She doesn’t know how to interpret my normal teachers words and she’s shoving her own assignments in there also and I’m salty???

So yeah, that’s that??? I’m not real sure if I’ll ever really be “active” again outside a few reblogs here and there??? I still like a lot of stuff, I’m just too lazy to reblog it cause of all the tags i use that I kinda don’t remember???

I love you guys??? Thanks for sticking it out with my dumb ass for so long????

If you still wanna like, keep up to date with my shenanigans, all my contact info is on my FAQ page!!!

I’m not going to delete this blog ever. It’s got a lot of memories, so don’t worry about it disappearing. 

Again, thank you guys.

~~Jay (Oooo, also the name change. I’ve got teachers and people I don’t talk to much anymore saying it and fuck, it makes me so happy???? I don’t even respond ha;f the time case I forget that’s my name??? But, I’m adjusting, and it’s more than i could have ever wished for.)

[ryuuguu-rena]

→ R ・U ・L・ E ・S

Rules { last UPDATE - 04/10/2017 }

x- I will not rp with everyone, I’m currently indie but very selective.

I have a personal HigurashixUmineko RP group. But it's not here on Tumblr. However, those guys are really important to me. Meaning I usually spend most of my time with them on discord. But some of my friends from the group are here on tumblr now too

please note that my blog here is highly selective. I will only interact and rp with people I know well. With other words I can be picky when it comes to whom I follow. If we aren't mutuals it doesn't mean you can't send me asks or memes but please know that it's very unlikely that I will start a rp with you if we aren't mutuals. I will however, always try to answer everything as much as I can.

posts&threads

I can write starters but not particularly fond of doing so since I’m not skilled enough to come up with an interesting plot. Sometimes I'll post starters however...

Each day, there is a chance I reblog at maximal 5 memes. Exceptions can happen but it will never go beyond 7 memes per day. I don’t want to spam your dash.

If you want to reply to an ask or meme , then please post a new thread tagging me in it. I don’t like reblogging asks.

When I reblog memes, feel free to send me some it can be either ic, on anon or off. I will definitely try my best to reply to each ask

my writing style differs via mode. Sometimes I write a lot, sometimes not. My preferences are para-semi and novella. There is absolutely no need for you to do the same in return.

I’m not a professional writer so please expect me to have writing flaws. English is not my native language after all. But I try my best.

roleplay

Planning to kill my character? Notify me first and we’ll discuss it. mentally or physically tormenting my character is okay, no permission required.

When we start a roleplay, I try always strictly to stay in character, Rena will not just appear in your timeline/world without a proper plot.

I approve of M!A’s but I have a right to refuse them when I don’t like them, or think of them as too ooc;

If you are part of a MMOFRPG group and would like to rp with me, don’t be afraid to approach me. I used to rp at citta for an entire year and I don’t mind roleplaying with you just because you’re part of a group.

I do have mains, And I don’t intent to ever replace them. Chances are very high I will reply to my mains first before to anyone else. but that does not mean I ignore you, I will get to your reply too. If you however think I missed it, hit me up pls

I try my best to make each roleplay enjoyable for my roleplay partner, I’m even trying to meet your way of writing, to please you and I surely hope it will be the same for us. So feel free to roleplay with me and have fun.]

I can be very slow with replies, please be patient.

Threads come and go. Don’t take it badly when I drop our thread, we can always start a new one. If I drop a thread it can have many different reasons but certainly not because I didn’t enjoy to rp with you. The same goes vice versa.

smut

Mun is over 18 years old 

Muse in canon verse isn't but that doesn't mean I won't rp any smut here. However, Rena will never be underage during these type of events.

Everything I consider 18+  will be tagged accordingly and put under a read more.

Personally, when it comes to smut, I prefer noncon themes, Unless you rp Keiichi. because Rena loves Keiichi and out of her own will she wouldn’t even consider to sleep with anyone else. However, she often deals with people that clearly cross the line. Making her more insane.

why do I approve of triggering content such as noncon?

That’s because Rena was almost raped in the past in Ibaraki. By the only male friends she made, 3 classmates- one of them ( Kouhai ) was related to her best friend Ozaki Nagisa. During the rape attempt , she injured  the boys with a baseball bat, and smashed all the windows of the school. After that happening and after Nagisa’s death ( who was actually murdered ) she was left with a major trauma. Increasing her to believe more strongly into Oyashiro-sama’s curse. This is not made up or a headcanon, but it’s actually canon from Higurashi Sui - Tokihogushi-hen. You can look it up , if you wish to do so. The reason I mention this, is because not everyone knows about Tokihogushi-hen arc and that it is canon. I approve of that kind of rp during smut because I absolutely love angst-themed rps.

mun&IMPORTANT details!

Please not that what I write has nothing to with the real me. Though, I won’t lie that my muse and me are very similar, I’m in no way supporting everything that my muse does. Just because I rp a murderer doesn’t makes me a murderer in real,  just because I approve of noncon, doesn’t means I like rapists. It’s honestly just a preference of writing angst and seems to be more in character for me.

Furthermore, I know that RP is just for fun indeed, However. Rena is REALLY important to me. I rp  Rena since a long long time and never got bored of it and never will.  Rena is not just a muse/character for me, it's basically part of my life and very strong influence on me. Not to mention we share lots of things in common. Rena helps me to keep my cool. This character means all to me. It's literally a part of my heart, a healing effect and with that very important to my soul. So much that I changed my real name to Rena long ago.

This is also why , I'm trying absolutely always my best to be absolutely ic; and that's not difficult to do for me because I know all the higurashi games and even study japanese. You may will realize this whenever I talk/rp with someone of my rp partners in kanji. 

Due to learning japanese, I keep using lots of japanese verses during rp's. However, I never use anything that may seems too hard to be understood. So please do not let this be of a disturbance to you , If you ever want to know what I'm saying however, please just mention it in your tags. 

Now as for myself, there isn't much to say. I told you already my real name is Rena and I'm a hardcore 07thExpansion fan. I'm actually mysterious and not very open hearted. Some may even see me as arrogant for being an INTJ. but that's not true at all, I'm just a picky person in general. I have a sideblog that I use mainly to reblog and post all kind of 07thExpansion stuff. rena-nata-onna

Discord/SKYPE/TWITTER: is eventually available upon request

this blog will have trigger warning contents.

RP’s can get quite dark, angsty, psychotic and bloody. Trigger warning content such as gore, homicide, torture, self-harm, can or will happen, but will be tagged accordingly.

IMPORTANT: Again, I will never approve of a smut rp with my muse being under 18.

coding

Edits, Icons and Layout are made by myself unless otherwise stated. Most of my icons are edited and cleaned by me, please don’t use them.

I'm not the best editor however and I really suck making themes so chances are low that I will update my theme often. However if you're skilled and talented in editing and making themes, then you're absolutely free to help me out, Like, totally  ~

I sometimes use scripting and sometimes not, it’s always up to my laziness  and it often depends on me being mobile or using my laptop

about rena

Rena has been through a lot of shit. She is bad-ass insane at times. However, Rena isn’t just a killer-loli, She’s much more than that. Despite her usual cheerful and childish behavior, she’s actually one of the most matured characters in Higurashi with a really deep personality. And I will roleplay here accurate to the games not the anime.

You may consider Rena as a Yangire which isn’t wrong, but please keep in mind that her deceiving treats come from her delusions most of the time.

Rena has the highest number of murders of the club members because in Yoigoshi-hen (the alternate version of Tsumihoroboshi-hen) she successfully blew up the whole school which killed 15 children (including herself, Mion, Satoko, Rika and Keiichi), likewise, she murdered Houjou Teppei and Mamiya Rina. (multiple murders of one person do not count towards the total).

Rena is not mentally labile, tho she may seems evil at times, she is neither good or bad. One could most likely say she’s very ‘sick’ at times. Very delusional.  If I had to categorize her, I’d say she’s “chaotic good”.

For further information about her mental disorders, please follow this LINK