#i’m 100% overthinking things but i’m confused yknow

[crazyw3irdo]

been seeing a lot of ppl using replies lately?? like way more than normal?? is this something new users are doing or…??

[princeanxious]

For your sideswap AU (anxiety!Logan is adorable btw), are there big changes in their personalities from the original sides or do they act the same for the most part?

Also how about how they interact? Do they like/dislike the same sides or are their relationships different too?

Okay okay okay so this’ll take a lil bit of explaining so bare with me kjhkjbij

my basis of the swap part of the au is that while two side’s ‘cores’ (i.e. Logic, Anxiety, Deceit) are swapped, half of either original character still remains as a base, so theyre each a combined half of eachother in clothing style, personal motivation, *and* personality. So:

Virgil <-core swapped with-> Logan

Roman <-core swapped with-> Janus

Patton <-core swapped with-> Remus

(This got long, hiding the rest under the cut)

For instance:

Anxiety!Virgil & Logic!Logan have become -> Anxiety!Logan and Logic!Virgil, right?

So in this Au, Logan would:

-struggle with social cues

-Be hot-headed

-overwork himself

But also,

-Being anxious, overthinking and overanalyzing things

-being stand-offish on purpose bc he feels he doesnt deserve help

- struggle to trust the others whilst worrying constantly about them and Thomas

Which adds up to him being the type of person who doesn’t care what the others think of him so long as he succeeds in keeping everyone safe. He wont hesitate to start an screaming match argument if it gets the others to hear his point of view, because he often feels pushed to the side and ignored. He has the added bonus of being able to provide rational points of logic in his arguments but struggles to be taken seriously because he cant handle being taunted, and ends up lashing out because he thinks every jab is a serious one because he legitimately struggles with telling the two apart. He’s sort of like, a heightened version of both personal and external insecurity alongside anxiety, yknow?

His redemtion arc probably involved him getting so frustrated and confused by them coming to bring him back from ducking out that he literally burst into tears, because ‘I don’t understand! You all hate me, so much! I know I can’t be perfect but I can’t handle this, this, pity party! I’m not coming back knowing you’re going to go right back to hating every little thing that I do!’ Because he’s convinced himself that theres no possible way the others could even remotely like him. They *do* manage to convince him otherwise, dont worry!

As for Virgil, his character take looks a little more like this:

-Doesn’t have a high self-esteem, and can be awkward with showing vulnerable emotions

-still leans into the dark brooding shtick to be taken seriously but with a quieter demeanor, which doesnt always work

-can easily match and give playful quips, but needs time to explain himself and his reasoning

But also,

-carries a bit more confidence knowing his points and views are backed by facts

-serious insults and snips aimed at him do not land as hard on him as he knows how to brush illogical lash-out’s(like Logan’s) off as emotionally-charged but not done with malicious intent

-is able to keep up a reasonably constructed schedule, and has logical work-arounds for bumps in the schedule.

-definitely doesn’t take as good of care of himself as he likes to lead the others on to believe

I’m kinda running out of steam here to write out Virgil’s character bits all tied together as a cohesive character type but i hope what i’ve given so far will suffice??

As for the character’s interpersonal interactions, I’ll probably have to explain that more in depth in another ask bc.. I kinda want specific examples to work from because, As I said, trying to explain the relationships via the swap, where the ‘light’ and ‘dark’ sides have flipped positions with who i deemed their opposite half, but obviously not swapped each others personalities 100%, it means i’m aiming for all the original standing relationship types between the canon group to stay the same for their core positions, but just altered enough in a way that fit’s the current core-holder’s personality.

(Plus, for anyone whose curious about the au’s ships but is new to the au, it’s Roceit, Intruality, and Analogical.)

For super simple examples:

-if Anxiety!Virgil & Morality!Patton had a Father/Son type relationship, then Anxiety!Logan and Morality!Remus have a Father/Son type relationship(sort of. I’m aiming for brotherly relationship in this).

-If you headcanoned(like I do, for this au anyway) that Anxiety!Virgil had been raised by Deceit!Janus as a father figure before joining the lightsides, then Anxiety!Logan had been raised by Deceit!Roman as a father figure before they joined the lightsides.

This technically sets things up for Patton and Janus to be brothers in this au, for that reason Remus and Roman are not considered brothers. However, this does not mean that shipping Remus and Roman will be allowed in this au. Please do not take this as invitation to do as such.

Now for a bit of added fun, heres this bonus jumble of character math that i’d tried to used to explain this whole mess to ske last like at like 1 am, and some mock character interactions using this math lol:

“(Really tho its like. Solving math trying to just take two swapped characters and be like ‘okay what the fuck do we have now’ i.e Janus and Logan would actually probably get along rly well bc theyre basically swapped prinxiety, but janus and and Virgil would *STILL* have friction bc theyre swapped logince, but patton and logan would have either a raised by Roman as brothers dynamic or simply just chaotic tension bc intru thoughts and anxiety fuel eachother, but Roman and Patton would be a swapped!dukeceit dynamic, yknow??)”

———

A take on Anxiety!Logan and Deceit!Roman’s relationship:

Anxiety!Logan, having just been woken up from sleeping on the table: *hissing irritatedly at Roman*

Deceit!Roman,sitting there in all his dragon glory in still his night clothes, eyebrow raised but otherwise unphased: Good Morning to you too, 21 riots.

Anxiety!Logan: *hisses louder, bc he’s half asleep and hasnt realized it’s Roman*

Deceit!Roman, tossing the tiny feral child over his shoulder: Alrighty, Pancakes or Bacon?

A!Logan, melting into cuddle mode bc ‘oh okay this is Father, not a giant monster, its purring time then’: …Coffee

D!Roman: Pancakes it is

A!Logan: >:(

———

Aaaand a Take on Logic!Virgil and Deceit!Roman interacting:

Logic!Virgil, a lil peeved: “Are you done trying to mess with me, because-”

Deceit!Roman, smiling with a smug grin and a lil head tilt: “No.~”

Logic!Virgil, now angy from being interrupted “*listen here u lil shit*”

[crying-gay-tears]

Brighter Than the Sun (3/?)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

ao3

A thunderstorm and existential thoughts keep the boys awake. 

Chapter 3: Questioning

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gon tossed in bed as a clap of thunder echoed in the air outside his dorm. It hadn’t woken him up--he hadn’t actually fallen asleep yet--but it was enough to shake the window in its frame. A few seconds later and his room was illuminated by a flash as lightning ripped across the sky. He counted in his head ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5’... another thunderclap, another flash. Huh, so the storm was about a mile away then. He knew this was coming, the signs had been showing the last few days. Birds were flying low yesterday and there was a ring around the moon that night. He could smell it in the air as well. He was grateful it waited until Friday night to finally hit. It meant he could have a nice rainy Saturday indoors with no classes to interrupt. Another crack of thunder and lightning, and the rain finally started. He settled on his back and listened to the heavy pitter patter against the roof.

The room was dark aside from the dim blue light of the street lamp outside the window. It illuminated the rain flowing down the glass, casting fluid shadows that danced across the floor. He laid awake watching them, mind wandering.Usually when it stormed, it brought him a sense of calm and peace. On nights like these he slept like a rock; but for some reason, tonight he couldn’t seem to sleep at all. Maybe it was because this was his first stormy night spent away from Whale Island. He had definitely been feeling the differences that living in a city made in his daily life. Maybe he was a little homesick, and maybe the storm was just making that feeling grow.

He glanced up at the desk across the room. The bright red digits of his alarm clock glared back at him, letting him know it was well past 1am. Just as he moved to bury his face in his pillow, he heard a thud followed by some rustling on the other side of his bedroom door. Eager for a distraction from his own restlessness, he kicked his blanket aside and snuck out to the common room. He wasn’t sure what he expected to find, but Killua on the floor scrambling to scoop chips back into a bowl was not it.

~~~~~~~~

After about two hours of tossing and turning in bed, Killua found himself in the common room, rolled up in a blanket on the couch with a bowl of cheese puffs and a baking show playing on the tv.

He was having trouble sleeping, which wasn’t really new, per se, but the thoughts running through his mind and keeping him from sleep certainly were. Earlier that day was the first meeting for the GSA, and Gon convinced him to go. Not that it took too much effort, Killua had been curious about it weeks ago when Gon first mentioned it.

The meeting was a little over an hour long, and Killua was on edge for most of that hour. There were a bunch of people there, all of them seemed nice enough, but it was still a bit overwhelming. He wasn’t even sure if he should be there in the first place.

They all introduced themselves with their name, pronouns, and sexuality if they were comfortable sharing. Killua waited with baited breath until it was his turn, then he quickly declared “Killua, he/him” and turned to Gon to pass the spotlight, who was carefree and confident when he spoke. ”I’m Gon! I didn’t really know what pronouns were before now, but mine are he/him! And I don’t know what to say about my sexualty, I’m here to hopefully figure it out!”

Killua was amazed the whole time at how easily Gon fit into the group, like they’d all been friends for years. He was starting to learn that that’s just how Gon was. He was comfortable with everyone he met and he navigated life with a confidence that stemmed from his own optimism.

Killua spent most of the time quietly observing. The group leaders talked about what it felt like for them when they realized they were queer. A few told their coming out stories, some of acceptance and some of isolation. They talked about the spectrum of sexuality and what each letter in the acronym was. Killua, who had entered the meeting assuming he was just going to be an ally, left that afternoon with the burning letter Q in his mind.

Questioning. Something about that word felt so comfortable to him. It felt like a word he could sit with for a while. Under the umbrella of questioning, he had the space to think about all the new perspectives he received during the meeting.

He assumed he was just an ally, but when he heard about all the things you could be besides straight… Ally didn’t feel like it really fit. And that was because straight definitely didn't feel like fit him anymore. To be honest, looking back, he wasn’t sure if it ever really fit him in the first place. But straight was what he always was, wasn’t it? It was never really something that got talked about directly, but it was always assumed. He’d only ever been asked about girlfriends, or girl crushes growing up. He’d been called a lady’s man by his parents’ friends, and he was always told he’d make a nice young lady very happy one day. It started to feel like being straight was kind of...expected of him? He never realized there was any other way to be.

But as overwhelmed as he was with the suffocating straightness, he was equally overwhelmed by the world of queerness that he had no experience with.

Straight didn’t feel right--and that was scary in and of itself--but he also wasn’t ready to declare himself as gay or bi or pan or any of the other letters. He just… wasn’t sure yet. So he was Questioning.

And boy was he questioning.

Everything.

What did this mean? Would he have to come out to his family if he decided he was gay? Or bi? Should he tell them now that he was questioning? Or wait until he figured it out 100%? When would that happen?

He couldn’t imagine his family being too cool about it, not that they were cool about much to begin with. When did he start caring about what they think anyways? He’d gotten piercings, dyed and cut his hair, snuck out, and done pretty much anything to piss them off and free himself just a little bit. If being gay pissed them off, he shouldn’t care! But would he? Wait, when did he decide he was gay? He wasn’t! Was he?

His phone buzzing on the couch next to him snapped him out of his thoughts, and he jerked in surprise, sending his snack flying. He hissed as the bowl clattered onto the floor, spilling cheese puffs everywhere.

He was on his knees scooping them back into the bowl frantically with his hands when he heard a door creak open. Before he could react, Gon was standing over him, a strange smile on his face.

“Want some help?”

“Oh, no thanks I’ve got it.” He threw the last puff back into the bowl and dumped them all into the trash. “Sorry if the bowl dropping woke you up.”

“It’s okay, it didn’t wake me up, I couldn’t sleep anyways.”

“Did the storm scare you or something?”

“No, ” his brow was furrowed and his lips formed a small pout. “I usually sleep like well on stormy nights. I don’t know why I’m so awake right now. I was thinking maybe I’m homesick.”

“Ah” Killua flopped onto the couch, pouring more chips into the bowl.

“Is that why you’re awake? The storm scared you?”

He scoffed. “No, I just have a lot on my mind, I guess.”

“Can I join you?”

“Uh, yeah, sure”

He made room on the couch and Gon sat down next to him. When he started tugging at the blanket, Killua just stared in confusion. He kept tugging until, finally understanding, Killua pulled the blanket off of himself and spread it over the both of them. Gon scooted in closer and let out a contented sigh. Their arms and thighs were touching, and Killua was doing his best to remain calm. Were they supposed to be sitting this close? Gon was always kinda touchy feely, and Killua had never really had friends like this before, was this just what friends did? They were watching tv, that was normal. Was he just overthinking?

“So, what’s on your mind, Killua?”

He almost jumped out of his skin. “I..uh, what?”

“You said you had a lot on your mind, and if it was keeping you from sleep I thought you might wanna talk about it.”

“Oh, no... I’m okay, just thinking about school stuff, yknow, homework and whatever.”

Gon just chuckled in response.

“What’s so funny?” he huffed.

“Nothing, it’s just that you’re a terrible liar.”

Killua’s mouth fell open in surprise.

“I am not! I-”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about whatever is bothering you.” He reached for another cheesepuff from the bowl in Killua’s lap. “It’s also okay if you’re scared of storms.” He smiled as he pushed the chip into his mouth.

“I’m not scared, Gon. Just couldn’t sleep. Seriously.”

“Okay, Killu, whatever you say. You know, storms used to scare me when I was younger. Mito-san always calmed me down with herbal tea and sometimes she’d sing to me. Did your parents ever do anything to help soothe you on stormy nights?”

“Well, no, not really. Not that storms ever scared me,” he side-eyed Gon, “but they’re not really the comforting type anyway so it wouldn’t matter anyway.”

“Oh?” Gon’s eyes were wide, not with judgement, but with genuine curiosity. “What are your parents like then? Tell me about them.”

Killua sighed. ”They weren’t really around much. Though I don’t think it’s because their jobs are super cool.“ Gon laughed and he pressed on.

“My dad is a criminal defense lawyer, just like his dad before him and his dad before him. My mom’s a criminal psychologist, so they make a great team. They both went to fancy colleges and come from rich families. All they really care about is maintaining social standing and images, and the family name, and of course money. They throw a lot of parties and dinners for clients and their colleagues, so I spent a ton of my life, including most holidays, stuffed into a stiff penguin suit with a fake smile speaking only when spoken to and never about what was actually on my mind.”

Gon frowned, his eyes were intense and urged him to continue.

“They’re only ever involved with my life when they’re trying to control it. I had to fight with them for months to let me go to a college so far from home. They wanted me to go to my father’s alma mater and get a law degree and eventually run the firm with my older brother,” he rolled his eyes. “But they’ve never once asked me what I want to do, or how I want to live.”

“What do you want to do?”

Killua blinked in surprise. “I, uh… well, I’m not really sure yet,” he dropped his head, staring at the bowl in his lap, “I really don’t know. But I want the freedom to figure it out for myself. Without their pressure or judgement.”

“That’s more than fair. You’re your own person, you should be able to make your own decisions!” Gon’s brow was furrowed, his mouth set in a tight line, clearly upset with what he’d just heard. Killua couldn’t help but smile; it was nice to have someone on his side for once.

“How did you get them to let you come here?”

“I told them if they didn’t let me pick where I went, I wouldn’t go at all.” A devious smile spread on his face at the memory of his mother crying and father standing stone faced with his arm crossed as he held up his acceptance letter.

Gon giggled. “What a power move! Were you being serious? Or bluffing?”

“Well, I just kinda went for it during an argument with them and then stuck to my guns when they pushed it further. I hadn’t really thought about whether or not they would actually agree to my terms. If they’d said no I guess I would’ve taken a year off or something to piss them off, and see if that changed their mind. Luckily, they went with it, and they’ve been pretty quiet since I left. I imagine when semester grades start coming out they’ll be calling. They’ll probably also be on my ass when they find out I haven’t declared a law major yet. Or any major for that matter.”

“You should take all the time you need! It’s okay to not have everything figured out just yet.”

Killua looked at Gon for a moment. His amber eyes were burning into him, full of care and concern. Killua felt so seen and it was...really nice, actually. His heartbeat speeding up was kind of annoying, though.

“Yeah, thanks. Hopefully I figure something out soon though, I think it’ll be easier to tell them I’m not pursuing law if I actually have an alternative to present them with.”

“That makes sense. I still think you should be able to take all the time you need to decide. It’s only fair.”

Killua swallowed nervously around the lump in his throat. Those words held so much weight. He certainly had a lot to think about and decide for himself, and not just what his major would be. Time sounded like exactly what he needed. “Thanks Gon.”

“Of course Killua! I’m your friend, and I support you, even if your parents don’t.” He smiled at Killua and then looked away, his face suddenly falling. “You know, it’s funny, you came to college to make your own life away from your parents, and I came to college to get closer to my dad and to shape my life to be like his. Makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It hurt that he wasn't around and I guess that's why I want to follow in his footsteps. I just...I want it to be so great that I understand why it was worth leaving me.”

Killua had no idea what to say, but before he could figure it out, Gon was speaking again, his expression back to normal.

“You mentioned your brother, what’s he like? Is he supportive? Is he happy following in your father’s footsteps?”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Illumi does whatever he’s told, and he doesn’t complain. They like to bring him up a lot when I’m going against their wishes. He’s their perfect son, and life would be easier for all of us if I were more like him. He doesn’t support me or whatever, but to be fair, I don’t talk to him much, so he doesn’t really get the chance to anyway.”

“Is he your only sibling?”

“No, there’s actually five of us. Illumi, Milluki, Me, Kalluto, and Alluka.”

“Wow, that’s so many! I’m an only child, I always wanted siblings growing up.”

“Heh, that’s funny, growing up I always wanted to be an only child.” He laughed, Gon did too, though he looked a bit concerned.

“Alluka is really the only one I can talk to and spend time with.She still listens to mom and dad, she’s younger than me and still under their thumb, but she’s smart and down to earth. She sees through their bullshit and doesn’t buy into the life they push on us. Kalluto is up mom’s ass, and Illumi is up dad’s, and Milluki only cares about their money and his stupid tech start up. So it’s nice to not be alone against them, she always looks out for me, and I do the same for her.”

“I’m glad you have each other! I hate the thought of you all alone against your whole family. Even though I’m sure you could handle it, it’s nice to have someone on your side.”

Killua’s heart flipped in his chest. Ugh, why does that keep happening?

“Yeah, I’m glad we have each other too. I worry about her now that I’m so far away though. I know she can handle herself, but my parents are the worst, and I was always the buffer.”

Gon looked...angry? But he didn’t say anything immediately. He seemed to be mulling things over. “I don’t mean any offense, but your parents sound really mean.”

“I mean, they’re not nice by any stretch, but they don’t hit us or anything. Controlling and judgemental for sure, but it’s mostly cold indifference.”

Gon paused, turning his head to look directly into his eyes. Killua gulped.

“Just because your family didn’t give you much attention or show you kindness and affection, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve those things!” he emphasized his point by squeezing Killua’s hand under the blanket.

Killua’s cheeks were suddenly on fire, no doubt turning bright pink, and he was grateful the only light in the room was from the tv.

“Thanks, Gon.”

He didn’t have the nerve to squeeze back, he also didn’t quite expect the twinge of disappointment he felt when Gon let go of his hand.

After that, they fell into a comfortable silence, the storm was still raging on outside, the bowl of cheese puffs now laid discarded on the floor, and the baking show they’d been watching was entering the semi final. Gon let out a long yawn, stretching his limbs and leaning into Killua’s side.

His proximity fried his brain. He was trying his best to relax, but he felt stiff from head to toe with anxiety. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Gon close to him, it was just so new. When he felt Gon’s head fall onto his shoulder and rest there, he thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He was suddenly aware of his breathing and every move he made. He didn’t want to move or do anything to disturb Gon, so he decided the best course of action was to just relax. He focused on calming his breathing, and after a while his heartbeat was a little less frantic, and his body a little less tense.

He wasn’t used to this. Not just the cuddling, but the soft touches on his arm when they spoke sometimes, the hand on his shoulder when Gon was laughing extra hard, or the high fives and sometimes hugs when Gon was excited... It all felt so foreign. But still, as strange as it was to him, he couldn’t help but lean into it. Gon’s gravitational pull was seemingly inescapable.

In this moment, with Gon laying against him, head on his shoulder, it actually felt kind of... nice to be close to someone. He was warm and cozy as their body heat mingled under the blanket, and Gon was soft and solid against him. It was comforting in a way he’d never experienced, and couldn’t quite describe. When he actually let himself enjoy the affection instead of overthinking it, it felt pretty amazing. Without even realizing, he slowly began to let his guard down.

With Gon next to him he was actually distracted from his anxiety thoughts long enough for sleep to creep it’s way in. He felt so secure and comfortable, and it made him a little angry that he was falling asleep, he didn’t want this moment to end. When his eyelids started to feel heavy he knew he couldn’t fight it anymore.

He whispered, “Gon, I’m getting pretty tired, I think I’m gonna head to bed.”

No response.

He tried a little louder this time, “Gon?”

Nothing.

He slowly craned his neck to the side and saw that Gon’s face was slack, and his eyes were closed. He was asleep. His first thought was to gently wake him up so they could head their separate ways and go to bed. But when he tried to move, he just didn’t have it in him. His second thought was that maybe it would be okay to just let himself fall asleep. To let himself fall into the warmth and comfort of the moment, and to let his head gently rest against Gon’s as he drifted to sleep. And so he did.

[dahniwitchoflight]

I have bipolar disorder and I feel like I have a different classpect when I'm manic - is this a Thing, or am I overthinking?

well, again like with the discussion surrounding MPD/DID, classpects, I don’t have any of these disorders myself, so it’s very hard for me personally to say definitely yes or no one way or another, I have only my outsiders understanding of these conditions to go off of

disclaimer aside, the rule has always remained 1 soul = 1 person = 1 classpect, no exceptions

the only discussion that remains is whether or not you consider “manic” you to be another person with their own soul living inside you, or to simply be a part of your own personality/soul, ie still you but different (in which case, another soul = yes another classpect. but not another soul = no still 1 classpect)

otherwise, there are conditions that affect a person’s expression of their god tier,  like when things get unbalanced or unhealthy (not that I’m saying anything about the unhealthyness or healthyness of being in a manic state) like overembracing or inversion, but again it would be up to you to decide if how you are when you are manic fits into either of those things

overembracing is simply you only care about your own classpect/things it stands for and dismiss anything else as objectively useless or unimportant, especially things represented by what would be your opposite

or inversion, where instead you reject your own role and everything it stands for /rejecting yourself (or trying to at least) and focusing on your total opposite/distancing yourself as far from yourself as possible

but neither in overembracing or inversion does a role ever change, just your attitude towards your own role is the kicker

in fact there really arent any conditions in which someone’s god tier would change or be different at all (barring somebody else who has an actual power to do that to someone) unless of course you get a better understanding of yourself and realize it would be something different

overall though I feel like your confusion might stem from trying to decide god tier based on how you are acting currently at any given moment, instead of looking towards the future and basing your god tier off of who you would like to become, what kind of person do you want to become before you die kind of thing.

you just might be of the very common group of people who aren’t exactly everything about their god tier yet, who haven’t reached that point of achievement yet. In fact judging by the common thread of questions I get just like this every day of people with similar troubles trying to figure out god tiers, I’d say it’s way way more common that current you is not exactly like what you want to be in the future right this moment and thats okay. It just means you have something to work towards yknow?

like, the best way I could put it is which God Tier do you consider your life’s role model? who do you want to be just like when you’re all old and grey? That’s your real god tier, 100% and you not being exactly perfectly like your role model right now doesn’t mean your role model suddenly isnt your role model anymore. God Tiers work the same way

[harryisntstraight]

Ok, here's a distraction for ya: So I'm pretty sure I'm bi but I struggle a lot with like.. accepting it if that makes sense? I can imagine relationships (I've never been in one) with either gender but sex isn't something that I find particularly enticing (like, I'm hesitating between demi and ace but idk) + I'm the least romantic person there is so relationships are great to day dream about but my desire to catch feelings is 0 and I feel like that invalidates my "experience" a lot? /1

Also, since my daydreams w/ girls don’t involve a lot of kissing/ sex I sometimes catch myself thinking “ok, but this is a glorified friendship, baby what is u doing” and like??? I feel super shitty about that because I have a sneaky feeling that’s just some form of internalised homophobia on my part??? I know that lesbian relationships are 100% a thing but I feel like they’re for “actual gay girls” not sorry sods like myself who can’t get it together long enough to decide? Which brings me back to hesitating on wether or not I’m lgbt like- I don’t feel comfortable with “straight” cause I don’t think it… reflects all the complicated shit I feel and how I hesitate so much and go back and forth but ultimately… girls are wonderful and I love them so like??? Idk??? But also, what have I ever contributed to the community that I would justify being a part of it???? Do you see my dilemma? Do you have any thoughts? 

hiiiiiii omg i see your dilemma and i understand totally where youre coming from. first thing i would say is that you dont have to ‘justify’ being a part of the lgbt community, you shouldnt have to feel like you arent doing ‘enough’ or that you arent ‘lgbt enough’ if you think you experience same sex attraction in anyway then that’s literally all thats expected of u. and youre totally allowed to call yourself bi even if you arent 100% sure if you are or not. the whole point of labels is to help you define and understand yourself, so exploring different ones and seeing whether or not they feel comfortable is perfectly fine. and also, not having a label is fine as well. i think sometimes tumblr can be quite unhealthy in that respect because it sort of pressures everyone into defining every part of their sexuality and attraction when most of the time its just sort of unnecessary and ends up making things a hundred times more complicated and confusing. which brings me back to u, i think it kinda sounds like youre super introspective and are doing a lot of soul searching which is good!! but can sometimes mean ur overthinking everything and second guessing yourself and your sexuality. i think i say this a lot but i do sorta really believe it, just take things as they come and dont try to police yourself into feeling one way or another. i know labelling exactly what you are and what you feel can be comforting, but if you dont have a label that fits perfectly what you are, its okay to just….stop looking for one yknow? i think its also rly good that u can acknowledge that maybe some of ur issues are bc of internalised homophobia, bc once you realise thats a thing it gets soo much easier to combat it. and not to sound annoying and cliche but a lot of the time it is just about finding ‘the right person’ (barf) i know for me, i was kind of like you in that i couldn’t really imagine myself being in a relationship w a girl bc i’m also not very Romantic™ and i was dealing w heteronormativity and the whole ‘i mean i’d have sex w a girl but probs wouldnt date one!!!’ shit. but then yeah i met a girl and had a huge moment of realisation where i was like Um I Want To Date Her Holy Shit. and now dating girls is something i know that i would be 100% comfortable with. so i guess it just comes with time and experience. i am rambling so much i’m sorry i dont know if this was at all helpful sfhsdkfhdskfhsdfjsh i hope it was a lil bit though