#i’m bad at asserting boundaries i just like positive acknowledgement and this is an easy way to get it WHICH IS NOT GOOD FOR ME

[here-i-acquit-myself]

Longest, rambling post of my life. But I have hope that if I write it all down, I can somehow move past it, and then maybe my art, writing, friendships, and relationships won’t suffer anymore. 

Some things you should know before I even start: 

- I have ALWAYS been poly. I have been in poly relationships since I was 19 (I am almost 27). It hasn’t been easy, I’ve learned a lot and made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve never hidden it from anyone. At this time in my life, two years or so ago, I had two live-in partners and we were a triad. I had been with one partner for seven years, I had been with the other about three. When the subject of this narrative (Louis) and I got together, they were ALSO dating someone else. They had a girlfriend. I had met their girlfriend, I knew they were together and I was fine with it (of course). 

- Louis and I are multiple, which some of you probably know what that means without me having to explain it and some of you are probably like ????? the fuck. It’s something I don’t really want to talk about because I don’t feel like defending my head, but if I can boil it down to bare bones for the sake of the narrative, just know that it means both of us come with handfuls of extra people and they have relationships with each other as well. 

- Obligatory - there are two sides to every story, this is just mine. I handled a lot of things badly in this situation, but I still need to let these feelings out. I need to feel heard because one thing about Louis is our mutuals will never, ever see some of these things about them.  Everyone loves them and thinks they’re a bright spot of sunshine. Which is fine. But it would be nice to be believed after so much public suffering and humiliation. 

The Narrative: 

I met Louis three (almost four) years ago because we worked the same job. We were friends. I thought they were so cool and just really wanted them to like me. I also had a crush on another coworker (Armand), and the three of us were friends. 

About two years ago, Louis invited Armand and I over for dinner and a movie. Louis’ house is very small and only has a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. So we were sitting in the bedroom, on the bed, watching movies. I was extremely nervous because I had such a crush on both of them. (To my knowledge, at the time, Louis was in a monogamous relationship and I respected that, I never made a move). It was getting really late, and after what felt like hours of my working up the nerve, I finally summoned enough courage to hold Armand’s hand. It got better - he WANTED to hold my hand. I was overjoyed, even more so when he leaned over to give me a kiss.  Louis was absolutely livid. He got up and left the room, left the house. I wasn’t quite sure why he was upset (maybe he didn’t want us kissing in his room?) Armand went out to talk to him but he wasn’t feeling incredibly communicative. We all ended up sleeping in the same bed anyway, hoping in the morning he would tell us what was wrong. We all had work the next day. 

We were all VERY close at this point, so it was unusual for us not to speak at work. Louis did not say a WORD. He did not speak to us at all. He looked like he was going to cry the entire time. Armand and I could not get him to say a word to either of us. 

I know this is a whole lot of set-up, but it really sets the tone for the entire relationship. 

It comes out at the end of the day that Louis was upset because HE had a crush on ME. And when I kissed Armand it felt like the ultimate betrayal. We all talked about it and it eventually boiled down to, why does it have to be this way? Why don’t I date both of them? I really liked both of them. Armand had very strong feelings for Louis. Louis had strong feelings for me. Armand and I had already expressed our feelings for each other. It seemed like a seamless transition. 

And we were all happy! For like, I don’t know, two weeks? Louis started asserting his boundaries. He did not want Armand and I to hold hands while we were all out in public together. He wanted us to keep PDA to a minimum altogether. It started involving the headspace (where X from his headspace did not want X from my headspace to be in a relationship with anyone Armand had). (And, as an extra note, my headspace is full of poly people as well. I have NEVER taken kindly to anyone trying to enforce monogamy on them).  Armand and I tried to work around everything, but just a couple months into the relationship it was all too much. With Louis breaking down almost every time I visited him, saying it hurt too much, he could not stand my relationship with Armand, etc. I ended up breaking down and breaking up with Armand, I could not take the pressure, and Louis’ struggles with the relationship and his rules and his breakdowns were haunting me even in bed. It absolutely sucked the joy out of dates and overnights. And in hindsight, I fucked up pretty badly with this one. 

After Armand and I broke up, my relationship with Louis drastically changed, and I mean, everything was good for a while. My relationship with my now-husband got back on the rails and started greatly improving (we had been on the rocks for a while), although my relationship with my then-wife was starting to decline (it’s oversimplifying a lot but I’m trying to stay focused on the key points). Louis and my husband (James) started dating each other as well. I was like, this is perfect! The three of us had an intense relationship, and it got very domestic very quickly. We even started talking about everyone moving in together. Even though things were far from perfect, they were just perfect enough that the weird rules and limitations that were still in place seemed like reasonable limits that I was just overreacting to. 

This is all glossing over a very important undercurrent: the idea that his mental health was more important than anyone else’s. HIS needs were special, HE needed more consideration, HE deserved special treatment because he has BPD. (Note: he talks about his BPD like I have never known another goddamn person in this world with BPD. I have known several people, including my mother, and none of them act like he does). So in his mind, sure there were rules but there were always to be exceptions at his discretion, because he HAD to be the exception, goddamn it. 

And then it just all went hideously South. I am not privy to all of the details of what went wrong (or if I’ve been told the details I have absolutely lost them in the vacuum of my “HIDE ALL OF THAT BAD THINGS” brain), but Louis and James broke up. It was a big time, messy breakup. Now I’m torn between the two houses. I’m spending almost every other night with Louis. 

And the breakdowns just get more and more frequent. He can’t STAND that I’m still with James. He doesn’t understand how I could be with someone who hurt him so much (and James doesn’t understand how I could be with someone who hurt him so much, either). He’s cutting again, threatening suicide again. There are countless times when I’m called to his house in the middle of the night, breaking through his door and into his bathroom because he has swallowed a bunch of pills, or because he is trying to cut himself open in his bathtub. There were numerous times where I was calming him down, bandaging him up, taking him to bed. This became like, a weekly occurrence. 

And things became bad at work, too. He was ALWAYS blowing up at me at work  I work retail, so I would be on the register and he would be blowing up my phone. He would get mad at me if I did not read and reply to his messages, and usually when I did that, I just got so upset that I would cry. I cried in front of customers. I had to excuse myself from the register to go cry behind the building. Sometimes, I would start my shift with him saying “I’m done. It’s over. (RE: We are breaking up)” so I would go through my whole shift with this “we are broken up” argument, although he would still be texting me, berating me, and then by the end of my shift he doesn’t want to break up with me, he needs me, he’s having a panic attack, he’s going to hurt himself. And there were a few times I got fed up and tried to end it myself, but I ALWAYS caved because I thought he was going to hurt himself. 

I was just never, never enough. I spent so much time trying to be a good partner and give everyone my attention like 100% of the time I neglected my art, my writing - he was jealous of people I made art or wrote for that I wasn’t even with. I had made a lot of strides with my own mental health but I was having immense breakdowns because I could not take it. 

He did not want James and I to get married. He said he would break up with me if we did, even though it made financial / practical sense. (He acknowledged that it did, too, he just did not want it to happen). 

(SIDE STORY: James and I are (legally) married. We have not had a ceremony yet because of -gestures to entire narrative-. My then-wife (Claire) and I had a wedding ceremony years ago but never made it legal. During THAT ceremony, our at the time mutual girlfriend attended the wedding and was very supportive of us and our special day. With Louis, I never asked for that kind of involvement, I never asked him to do anything that made him uncomfortable as far as even acknowledging my marriage to James - in the past Louis and I had even talked about having a ceremony of our own, because I believe in celebrating love and flaunting my partners and parties, of course. I did not really even ask for his support or blessing, it’s just I had had such a positive experience with multiple partners supporting each other in the past that this just like - blew my mind out of the water).

I think the last straw was one night, Louis broke a special mug to use the glass to cut himself. He wanted to kill himself. I went to his house in the middle of the night, I don’t drive so James had to wake up our son and drive me there. James drove home, I calmed Louis down, put him to bed, confiscated the glass so he could not hurt himself again and put it all in a bowl. So I’m standing on the porch, in the cold, shivering and barely verbal with a bowl full of broken, bloody glass - taking an Uber home in the middle of the night. 

It was like that for a while, stuck in a loop of “we are breaking up - now things are okay - no, things are bad again, we are breaking up - things are back to being okay”. I think the last straw was when he broke up with me on New Year’s Eve. I told him “if you break up with me, that’s it, we are broken up. I’m not doing this anymore”. And it was over. For a little while. 

But we still worked together, and feelings were still very raw. I still felt responsible for his mental health. He spent a while avoiding me, he would not talk to me, when he did start talking to me again it was evident that we still had feelings for each other, but maybe he knew I still felt responsible. He would still tell me when he was cutting, when he felt like killing himself. Work was hell for a little while and I felt even more isolated than before. All of my coworkers think he’s great and I knew none of them would believe me if I tried to confide in even one of them what he was putting me through. 

I kept trying to distance myself from him and from the things he was doing and saying. One day he called out of work and said he was going to stay home and kill himself instead. I ended up neglecting my shift to call the police and have them show up at his house to do a wellness check. (NOTE: I do not trust police and was very conflicted about calling them at all, but there wasn’t a lot I could do and he said he had swallowed a whole bottle of pills). After they left he was mad at me. 

Glossing over a lot - but we did not stay broken up long. We got back together only a few months ago. It was an even more difficult, strained relationship this time around (although I’m not saying that no part of it was good, I mean, we genuinely had some good times and some wonderful aspects of the relationship. It just, as always, gets buried underneath the shit. I really LOVE this man, okay, we have something special, but he rakes my mental health over the coals again and again). Because of his (now non-existent) relationship with James, everything that had been bad before was getting amplified. At this point in my life, Claire and I had ended our relationship and become just friends. James and I were together, and I had another long-distance partner (William) who I had dated in the past and recently we had come back together. 

Well, okay, Louis does not really like either William or James. He also does not like it when I casually flirt or send nudes to other people (which I have done my whole life, and have made clear I do, no one comes into a relationship with me ignorant of the fact that I am still in my ho phase and I enjoy recreational flirting and nude exchanges). He wants my nudes to be special for him, he says that knowing other people have seen my boobs makes him sad. 

At this point, it does not matter if we are having a bad night or a good one. We could be cuddling and watching a show and he will just turn to me and tell me that he will be sad when we break up, but we are going to have to break up, because he can’t live like this. I would ask him why we are still together if he wants to break up, and he’s like, he doesn’t WANT to, he just knows we will. (That fucks with me? Understandably, I feel).  He becomes more and more insistent that James and I break up. Louis wants to be my one special partner and wants everyone else to be a casual side piece. (Even though, EVEN THOUGH, he has cried to me many times about feeling insignificant, about feeling like a side piece, about feeling like a mistress - which I have absolutely paid attention to and tried to remedy at eVERY TURN by giving him way more than I think was fair to my other partners). 

Our relationship recently came to a head (again). I have been given the opportunity to move to my hometown (a few hours away) for Cosmetology school. In the beginning, I was not sure of where i was going to be, if I was going alone, or what was going to happen. Louis said he did not think our relationship would survive if I brought James with me. Because my experience talking to him about things as they develop has always been bad (and because our state is in lockdown, I have not been able to see him) I didn’t communicate my plans very well as they developed, and when he heard that James, the baby, and I were all moving together that was kind of it. He asked me “What are you going to do to prevent a breakup?” and I just kind of lost my shit. I was done, so completely done, and exhausted. So I broke it off and haven’t really been texting him. Because if I text him, I get nauseous, and I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks. I’m like, running on four hours of sleep at best most days. His boys will reach out to mine, because he knows my boys are weak and brokenhearted and they will talk even if I won’t. And then he has the audacity to text me, “X is upset at being neglected, but I’ve stopped caring tbh”. And I just feel so fucking godawful all the time. He won’t hesitate to tell me he is cutting, he is going to kill himself, he is drinking all of the time and he won’t stay sober. 

I have told him, multiple times, that I need an equal partner. I need a partner who will support me as much as he expects to be supported. He has told me flat out “I can’t do that”. 

I am ready to leave this city. There is a lot I did not even talk about, but these are, I guess, the major points I replay over and over in my head when I can’t sleep at night. Maybe I am my own worst enemy for perpetuating the cycle. I know there are a lot of points in the past where I could have brought my foot down and maybe stopped it from getting worse, but I’ve felt stuck, I still feel stuck. And I’m always going to feel responsible. Of course, this is all the bad stuff, it doesn’t really talk about all of the GOOD stuff we have. There is lots of good stuff. But I don’t think the good stuff can hold up against all of the messy, toxic shit.  I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong? 

[marshmallowgoop]

Episode 12 Quick Thoughts

I cosplayed Zero Two at a convention this last weekend, and since nobody I went with was familiar with DARLING in the FRANXX, I gave a quick overview of the butt-piloting, titty-mecha anime, and, well, I definitely felt some shame for liking something of that nature so much that I sewed up a whole outfit and bought a bubblegum-pink wig and circle lenses to dress up as the lead heroine.

“The show doesn’t really know what it wants to be,” I said, in an attempt to justify my feelings, “but it seems like it has something to say, and I like it when it’s trying to say it!”

And DARLING’s 12th episode is a beautiful example of this thing really trying to say something. It’s hard to believe that a series with literal butt handles, gratuitous beach-episode fanservice, and an actual p0rn-esque plot wherein the girls of the series have their clothing burned away also pulls off something as emotionally investing and compelling as episode 12.

Zero Two: Don’t reflect me!

But here we are, and good gravy, I’m so into it.

To get right to the meat of the episode, what happens with Zero Two’s character is probably the most prominent element, and since everybody loves them Kill la Kill comparisons, I gotta say that the criticisms leveled against Zero Two for her behavior here remind me of the criticisms leveled against Ryuko Matoi when she abandons her friends near the end of that series: the backlash feels a lot like the demonization of a sad, lonely teenage girl for behaving like a sad, lonely teenage girl.

Of course what Zero Two does in the episode is awful and hard to watch. She’s completely and totally abusive to Hiro, and it’s not okay. But just like Ryuko’s actions in Kill la Kill, her behavior isn’t portrayed as okay. Zero Two’s treatment of Hiro is terrible, and the show knows it’s terrible, but the show also knows that people are messed-up creatures who make mistakes and do hurtful things---that’s part of what makes us people. A story acknowledging these flaws ain’t always pretty, but, well, life ain’t, either. There’s a realism here that grabs attention and keeps it. 

No, I don’t at all enjoy how Zero Two treats Hiro in this episode of DARLING or how Ryuko treats Senketsu in episode 20 of Kill la Kill, but I can see where both girls are coming from---especially because, hey, I’ve been a teenage girl myself. These young women aren’t just cardboard cutouts; they feel real, and that makes me care about them and their stories.

Zero Two: I’ll kill many, many more and become human!

I mean, call me silly and over-dramatic, but I totally feel Zero Two here. “I’ll buy more and more makeup and become beautiful!” is definitely a sentiment I’ve felt, and it comes from a similar place as Zero Two’s feelings. Just as Zero Two fears she can’t be loved because she’s not fully human, I’ve felt that I can’t be loved because I’m not pretty. So, even though I know deep down that it’s ridiculous and fruitless and I can’t change what I am---and I would say that it’s not implausible for Zero Two to understand on some level that killing more and more klaxosaurs won’t really make her human---a part of me still hangs on to the hope that, well, if I keep spending money and trying, I will be beautiful one day, darn it!

Is Zero Two’s behavior nonsensical? Absolutely. But, you know, I get it. I’ve been there. I know that when Hiro tells Zero Two that her horns and fangs don’t matter, she’s stuck thinking, as I do when my beautiful little sister tells me that I don’t need makeup, “That’s easy for you to say, when you represent everything I want to be!”

And Zero Two’s situation is even worse than I can ever imagine. She’s literally been abused and ostracized her whole life due to the very things that Hiro writes off as not mattering, and more than that, Hiro’s actions have made her understandably---and tragically---question if he means what he says.

After all, though Hiro has said, time and time again, that he cares for Zero Two and wants to get to know her, he repeatedly pushes her away with his behavior. Hiro is rarely the one to initiate physical intimacy (even if he desires it, as can be evidenced by his disappointed reaction to not getting a kiss in episode 7), and by episode 12, I’m sure Zero Two hasn’t forgotten the way he flinched at her horns when she offered they run away together in the bath in episode 4.

Of that episode, I wrote:

I was especially taken by [Zero Two’s] insistence that Hiro tell her that he wants to ride in Strelizia again... because this communicates to me that nobody has ever wanted to ride with her a second time so much. Zero Two absolutely cherishes Hiro’s sentiment, and she asks him to repeat himself almost as a way of cementing his wishes as something that’s truly real. Finally, after being alone so long, Zero Two has someone who cares for her.

Back then, Zero Two is astounded by Hiro’s “embarrassing” confession, but she sincerely seems to believe him, especially when she asks that he repeat himself and he does so.

But by episode 12---and with her monstrous transformation---Zero Two is left in a position of doubt and fear. Does Hiro truly mean what he says?

Hiro: Do you like picture books? I think we have some in the study.

Zero Two: I knew it. No picture books.

Though Hiro kindly informs Zero Two in episode 8 that the study in the plantation probably has some picture books, for example, Zero Two finds in episode 12 that his words hold no substance. There aren’t any picture books in the study at all. Can anything Hiro says be trusted?

Perhaps it makes sense, then, that Zero Two abruptly tells Hiro to kiss her right after. She has to make sure that his words are true and he really does love her... but she finds that he rejects her. No matter what Hiro says, he still pulls away from her fangs. It still does matter that she’s not human like any other girl who could have been his partner.

Zero Two falls into even deeper despair as a result, because while episode 12 certainly puts into question if her feelings for Hiro are real, given the entire series thus far, I just can’t buy that she only intended to use him.

I particularly think on the scene in episode 4 where Zero Two---seemingly on the verge of tears---bids Hiro goodbye and expresses regret that they didn’t work out. Why say such a thing so tenderly, especially when Zero Two looked perfectly willing to leave Hiro behind? Why lie, when it would seem she’d just get another partner to use as “fodder” before long?

Though episode 12 also certainly puts into question why Zero Two has been so drawn to Hiro, it’s hard for me to believe that she never felt any affection for him at all. As I see it, Zero Two simply becomes convinced that Hiro’s feelings for her are hollow, and, to prevent herself from getting hurt, she acts as though he was always nothing to her and she was only playing with him.

Zero Two: Out of my way!

Zero Two: Don’t touch me!

Zero Two: Get away from me!

One of the bigger reasons I have for this belief that Zero Two is just faking her ambivalence towards Hiro is the haunting recurrence of a pattern I noted previously in my episode 4 write-up:

....I was struck by [Zero Two’s] intense reaction to being touched by one of her “escorts” without her permission. The “camera” focuses on the escort’s hand curling around Zero Two’s shoulder, there’s a close-up on her eye, and then he’s thrown across the room as she tells him, “Don’t touch me!”

The moment is very reminiscent to another from episode 1. When Hiro tries to convince Zero Two not to pilot alone, he grabs her arm—and she reacts so strongly that she slaps his face hard enough to wound him for the remainder of the episode. In the English dub, she even says, “Get off me!”

These kinds of reactions, combined with how Zero Two has a complete lack of respect for other peoples’ boundaries, leads me to believe that something has happened to her in her past. I might be expecting too much from the show, but I could see it that Zero Two does what she does because it’s her way of asserting control in a life where she hasn’t had much of any.

When these intense responses are combined with the fact that Zero Two is apparently well aware of “what happens after kissing,” I’m beyond horrified. Something terrible happened to this girl---probably from someone who told her he loved her, which is also a concept she’s aware of---and she’s mortified at the thought of it happening again.

So, with Hiro, she makes it so she’ll be the one in control.

Additionally, while the situation seems bad now, given that it’s currently “winter” in the plantation and this image of Zero Two happily frolicking with Hiro (or someone who looks like him) in the opening sequence clearly takes place in spring, it seems likely that things will get better later... even if only for a moment.

As one last “quick” note for the episode, I was super interested to see a book first shown in episode 5 appear again: Royce and Abigail. While in episode 5 only the title could be made out (which, being me, I searched for only to find nothing), in episode 12, we can now see that Royce and Abigail is “Willa Shalespeare’s Tragedy.”

Of course, there are a number of Shakespearean tragedies this could be a play on---such as Antony and Cleopatra or Troilus and Cressida---but I think the obvious answer is the most plausible one: Royce and Abigail is a reference to Romeo and Juliet.

And considering how unsubtle DARLING in the FRANXX is with its symbolism and how it is this book that gets more focus than any other in the study, it seems likely that the anime’s story is headed down the Romeo and Juliet path. Though I’ve argued that Zero Two isn’t going to make it out of the show alive, perhaps in all truth, just as the adults’ war in Romeo and Juliet killed their children who got caught up in it, the adults’ war in DARLING in the FRANXX will end up killing both Hiro and Zero Two.

[sailingurl-blog]

To the mattresses: part 1, basic training

‘Manners maketh man’ is sizable social construct by a patriarchal religious institution in a patriarchal society, which largely, a patriarchy eschews practising? Well – when one considers 98% of incarcerated persons are male. At what point do women need to become downright fucking rude to advance their human rights?

Over the weekend, women in STEM hijacked an existing industry campaign to give US President Donald Trump a big-ole social media finger. And it was as pretty as it sounds.

The ‘actual living scientist’ tag ‘to improve industry access to professionals’ was leveraged in an emerging gender issue as threatened by the new White House administration.

Worldwide; tough, intelligent, tenacious STEM women segued existing discussion to comment professionally on Trump’s new ‘dress like a woman’ workplace policy, and tweet pics.

Like Karen Romano Young, who assert for her female colleagues in science and snow – ‘here’s what we wear in the Arctic when we’re studying the effects of climate change’.

Or, Ivelisse Viruet who tweet Trump commenting: ‘while you were granted five draft deferments, I served 22 years in the military – I #dresslikeawoman, and you need to #actlikeapresident’; and, Amy Tan MD, who says ‘I can’t #dresslikeawoman without my scrubs.’

But it’s Herding Movement who best demonstrates a continuing workplace problem: ‘I’ve had engineers ask me to get them a coffee because I #dresslikeawoman (and) then realise that I’m the #actuallivingsciventist running the damn project.’

Pound for pound, these women, and women globally, are doing it better than men in their arena. Period.

It’s easy to qualify that statement; simply, those women did it without the resources men have thrown at them, and yet, they continue to throw-in for the potentially criminal shitshow that they are often victim too.

Like my 1990s Defence colleague, ADFA naval officer Fiona, who was physically tortured by her officer-in-charge – made to march while carrying a vacuum cleaner over her head because he knew she had a bad back.

Or my mate Summers, a naval investigator at Garden Island whose well-qualified Christmas Day search request was blocked by lazy male officers.

In the end, she went around them; ran the investigation herself and uncovered a hoist of illegal weapons. One sailor had nine guns. Job done.

Or the time I was sexually harassed working for Immigration in 2010. Again, yawn. I was chatting with female colleagues about the green wedding dress Cate had worn, when ACT change pretender Troy lurched over.

Troy thought to demonstrate his kinky workplace VPL fashion concerns, which seemed strange for a Hawaiian-shirt loving Neanderthal? ‘You wouldn’t have worn panties on your wedding day, would you Amber,’ Troy grunted.

I tend to feel sorry for these professional deviants or workplace terrorists; well, look at them? What’s someone like that actually got going for them? Hot tip. It will never worry me when a 2017 male mode ‘chooses’ socially, politically and economically regressive personal policy, which as studies show, negatively affects ‘their’ mental health.

As women, we need to focus on circumstances within our control. These oft-silent terror attacks are and continue-to-be managed by professional women on a case-by-case basis. Think Turnbull and Trump for next four years, ala ANZUS Gate last week. Besides, warfare is a training grounds.

The real problem for women is not the odd workplace dust-up. It’s this. Despite the Dunning-Kruger effect, professional females who are ‘actively’ aware of their talent, are ‘actively’ underselling themselves because it’s ‘unladylike’.

And Australian female professionals have a further cultural barrier; more colonial hangover with the Tall Poppy Syndrome. Women are taught in so many ways – not to acknowledge professional strengths that aren’t sexually-based, and sell themselves in a capacity which is not physical-based. Think about that, people?

On the other hand, men are biologically-programmed and well socially-advised to double-down on risky behaviour that backs numero uno. Studies show, men are more likely to talk themselves up, and all the while, women are talking themselves down. Christ, I don’t need a study. I am the study.

Like Airservices colleague, German national Sven, who introduced self as an ‘ANU scholarship awardee’? Sure, it’s impressive – but it smacks of hubris, and is ultimately unAustralian. One does not walk around dispensing tickets to their own show, PT Barnum-like. ‘Step right up, folks!’ People want people to go about achieving quietly, and this is especially true of women.

Why? Over 150 years of studies show the incredible conscious and subconscious bias that both genders have towards women. Neurobiology well demonstrates the hurdle. For example, researchers recently discovered that while both genders objectify undistorted images of each other – when the images were both distorted, both genders continued to objectify women…and not men.

Clearly, human beings have no real response control to ‘the feminine’ as a society – and I doubt we can ever know the full depth and breadth of an issue that will make or break us, I’m sure.

One thing is clear – male self-promotion is effective. This means professional women must adopt a new personal public relations strategy, and enforce new boundaries.

Because no one is here for anyone – if you don’t believe in you, with necessary self-talk required to develop a positive attitude and enact supporting behaviours, nobody is going too.

So, try it out. It’s won’t be easy for most – people will laugh at you, depending on the size of your social experiment. Like Canberra Business Chamber representative Kate, when I test to partially determine her usefulness to me?

Although, it’s worth noting, the failure finally occurred some 14 days later, in which time, Kate had managed to sign-me-up electronically for a $180 in-house workshop, all the while not distributing to me, the start-up information freely proffered.

Apparently, a smart professional woman who self-brands as ‘talent’, will continue to be confronting. Of course, there is the other thought? That it’s just so hard to find talent these days.

Ghandi said it best: when you go to ‘change the world’, people will ignore you at first. Then they laugh and resist you, before finally, accepting the change. The beauty is, also according to Ghandi, all you need to do is, ‘be the change’.

Yep, there it is. The man-made world already largely ‘works’ for men. So – it’s actually time for women to beat their change drum, which will benefit our species. Yep, time to double-down, ladies.