#i’m fully blessed to be rping with you guys cause

[dtective]

yknow what i fuckin love ocs

[archmage--khadgar]

Hia! I always feel happy when I see one of your posts pop up on here c: why do you like Khadgar?

*Stares into space* OH GOD THIS IS gonna probably be a long post. HERE WE GO.So uh. I always really like Karazhan and the lore around it, hardcore fell in love with Medivh and pretty much ANYTHING in game that was connected I ate it up. I got the urn, the keys, all the rings, all the rep, you name it. I tried SO HARD to get Atiesh from the old Naxx but that didn’t happen. (I AM STILL SAD ABOUT THAT.) So that was -kind of- the start. In order for the next part to make sense, need to sidestep and backtrack a wee bit for context.Not to be all sob story, but I gotta be honest, I spent most of my childhood alone (either outside or in my room), reading, playing out epic stories with my toys, exploring the outdoors, and most of my social interactions with people I was either being bullied by kids at school or my mother. And y’know, despite all the stories I read or watched on t.v it was a loooong while before there were characters that made me go….”Holy SHIT I know what that’s like!?” Like there was a difference, to me, between characters like Michelangelo and Beetlejuice that I REALLY WANTED to hang out with, and then a character that made me go….”I know exactly how that character feels. What happened to them, happened to me.”Digimon was the show that broke that mold for me when not only were there two characters who had DIVORCED PARENTS!??? Like me, there was a girl who had a REALLY BAD and unhealthy relationship with her mother. (But she was still powered by love, which was awesome.)This kinda started getting me into other stuff because the more characters I found that I could relate to, the easier it was to explain how I felt to strangers and it made friend finding a little bit easier. FAST FORWARDING A LITTLE BIT.

So I certainly have a character -type- that I relate to the most. And it’s chaotic bookwork with anxiety. Fun fact: I am always dubbed “the twilight sparkle” of friend groups IRL because I was always, ALWAYS the one who was solving friendship problems and I did that looong before the show. OOPH. THE BIG PROBLEM. Was that it was getting to the point where all the chaotic bookworms were either: Evil, female (and I love gals, but that’s not my gender identity ORZ), or like. largely hated by the fandom and were always mocked.Or some combination.SO LIKE. Hey, I get introduced to Medivh and his TOWER OF BOOKS and all that shit and it’s like “Fuck yeah sign me up bro, living alone? Shitty mom? I feel you.” But then, y’know. He was a wee bit possessed and not. Exactly the good guy SO THERE WAS THAT.And then. There was Khadgar.I hadn’t been able to find the last guardian book yet, though I had read about the lore highlights online so I was familiar and stuff.And then WoD came out. And Khadgar! Was doing stuff! Which got me excited because it was more of the Lore that I really liked, and during MoP, I was hardcore going…”THE LEGION IS COMING BAAAACK. I JUST KNOW IT. CAUSE WE DIDN’T KILL KJ. SKREE.” I got called crazy and stupid a few times BUT HEY. Jokes on you fuckers I was *right*.Anyways!That first quest chain into Tannan rolls in. And it’s just. Khadgar. Being Khadgar. “Well, then I guess we owe you one.” scene hit every…“Oh fucking god bless Khadgar for the sarcastic sass”Because I really enjoy sarcasm and it’s more obvious in voice chat or in-person but my sass rhythm and tone, especially if I’m ranting is veeery similar to Khadgar’s sass.And then the PUNS. Listen. *Listen*. I hear an opportunity for a pun and I have to take it. I have to. If I try to hold it in my face starts smiling like the Cheshire cat and I sometimes let out a high pitched “eeeeeee” until given permission. After that quest chain, I quickly noticed that no one had rolled a Khadgar blog. No one! And well, I was all about having a blog where I could be free to make jokes all the time. IIRC, my first post was…”The party has arrived~!” Or something like that. I honestly didn’t expect much to happen cause I didn’t have any friends or anything like that and all the wow blogs all pretty much had their followings already and I was uh…a WEE BIT ALONE. But I was like “well even if this blog doesn’t go off I’ll at least have an outlet where I can just be me where no one will harass me.”Cause gotta be honest, I’ve never been well-liked. There was never a place for bookworms who liked puns and had anxiety in the world I lived in. If I acted like myself I was hated, and in order to fit in, I had to be someone else, which was a ditzy stupid, lazy girl. I wasn’t allowed to be trans, (still not back in Maine), or smart, and….yeah.  But hey! On tumblr, I can RP a male character that had my same sense of humor and sass and BE MYSELF and NOT BE A GIRL and all my IRL haters wouldn’t be able to stop me.And then uh, A THING HAPPENED. I no longer have the original blog because of reasons I’ll mention later, so I CAN’T REMEMBER who first started sending me asks but I know @kiyastrasza was one of them (she passed away suddenly a few months ago and I miss her SO MUCH.) But then like, I DON’T KNOW. I know I got a few initial asks because “fuck yeah finally a khadgar blog”  and honestly, I thought my blog was rubbish because it was 80% me just being my sassy nerd self and 20% studying his word usage for more serious things and getting my hands on every scrap of Khadgar related lore.”So I fully expected to get called out on being canon divergent or a shitty Khadgar or SOMETHING. Or have people ONCE AGAIN be like….”This character archetype is annoying and stupid and we all fucking hate him and hate you for rping him.”But that didn’t happen. In fact the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED.My ask box kept getting filled with puns to be approved, rhyming his name with stuff became a thing and now even BLIZZ says “Dadgar” like jfc what even.And then like. I don’t even know, a lot of it is a blur because it all happened so fast but the BIGGEST THING.Was that for the first time ever, being myself wasn’t met with bullying and hate and people telling me to shut up and go away or anything like that.People -loved- Khadgar in-game. And people -loved- finding a Khadgar blog that “when I read their posts I can hear Khadgar’s voice”.  And better yet? KHADGAR WASN’T A VILLAIN! (Don’t get me wrong, I loooove AU’s but imagine being a kid and you can only ever connect to villains and then people hate you anyways IT DOESN’T FEEL TOO GREAT).And uh. Yeah. I don’t really know where to go with this. But yeah! It was the first time where I felt like nothing was wrong with who I was. That there was nothing wrong with being book smart and having a sense of humor and looking death in the face and just eye-rolling and going “Well aiight.”I mean hell yeah there’s been an epic shit ton of drama with people being jealous and making shit up and who the hell even knows what any of that was about anymore, and there’s still plenty of bullshit in my life keeping me otherwise miserable and I’m getting really frustrated that every goal I try to accomplish gets utterly destroyed in some way and I’m currently an emotional husk and I 100% HAVE NOT been myself lately as I’m a mix of grieving and severely hurt and physically ill and I’ve been broken pretty damn hard and when I pull myself back together it’s probably going to be like. 11th Doctor just turning into cranky 12 and not being pleasant BUT. The muse is still strong, the muse is honestly probably the strongest thing about me. Not because I think that I’m actually, really Khadgar and that’s ME you’re talking to in game and Azeroth is real, etc, etc. But it’s strong because that type of muse was already something that was effortless for me and part of my personality foundation. And before the blog it was withering away and crumbling and I had no self-love to keep it going anymore and then the blog happened, and even though I still have 0 self-love, I genuinely hate myself, the love from others healed it, and my love for the character, I think, is my subconscious finding a weird loophole to get around the self-hate because I CAN’T HATE KHADGAR, and fucking hell whenever I make a pun irl and someone is a shithead about it or calls me annoying over voice chat, my brain is like. “Yeah, but if Khadgar were real. He’d laugh.” And eventually, it’s like….”OKAY FINE. IT WAS FUNNY. THAT PERSON IS JUST A SHITHEAD.” I can’t remember where I was going with that. Uhhhhhh……SOMETHING SOMETHING.I absolutely hate myself and feel as if I’m undeserving of love because I’m a horrible, broken person that makes stupid mistakes and is only good for hurting others and being a bitchB U TI hate myself a little bit less when I RP a character, like Khadgar, that lines up with one of my personality foundations, and the general response to it is people loving it and telling them I make them happy.  I’ve still had more hate directed at me in the past (and sadly the present) than I have love. But uh. It doesn’t take much love to get me all sappy and crying and happy.  (Hate is a tossup, a lot of hate I can take but certain, specific things will strike me hard and fast).SO LIKE. Uh. I know the majority of my foundation at the moment is either destroyed or heavily damaged, cause I’ve also been heckin angry a lot lately and I don’t know how to deal with that at all since it’s something new so a lot of my foundation wasn’t protected against that, and I’ve certainly died emotionally a few times more this year than my normal rate of it taking a couple years or more to emotionally die and regenerate. BUT THE PART that’s still holding fast and bouncing off all the negative self-destructive shit is because of Khadgar, and all 1,297 of you (give or take) that’ve either stuck with this blog since the beginning and through a blog deletion and change or have come recently. That send in everything from ARCANE MEAT to puns, to AU ideas to random nice things SO UH. This is turning into an awkward unexpected thank you, to all of you. dashjkIt’s more than likely that I will live the rest of my life absolutely hating myself, and it’s possible that the rest of my foundations may never heal or be repaired. Even though I can easily attach some of them to characters like Khadgar for the most part, I just….eh. I dunno. No outlet and it’s not prompted ever and…it hurts still cause they’re broken. Which, eh, whatever, healing can’t be forced or half-assed, cause you can’t expect a broken leg to heal as fast as a papercut, all you can do is wait and let things heal or you’ll make it worse, but then obviously you can’t heal EVERYTHING otherwise no one would ever be disabled, but REGARDLESS.I may always hate myself. But I’ll always love Khadgar. And YOU guys love Khadgar. And you enjoy me rping Khadgar. So then I guess MAAAAYBE.It helps. With making it worth. Sticking around for a little bit longer.  :T

[carrefxur]

One Year.

its about to get sappy as hell up in here

Kind of wild, isn’t it? It feels like it’s only been a couple of months, maybe half a year or so, but nope, one full year has passed since I joined Blood of Lordaeron. It’s been pretty wild and I’ve met a lot of amazing people and made some of my best friends in this guild and made some of the best memories as well hanging out, playing games with you all, and rping in events as well. I do truly feel fortunate that I know you all and that people have been with me through my highest of highs and the lowest of my lows. I just want to take this time to thank as many of you as I can! (and to shower you all in nice things because that’s what I’m here forrrrrrr)

@a-moistowlette - We’ve started hanging out a lot more recently in Overwatch, but I think you’re a really nice dude who I can talk to about a lot of different stuff. I also think your art style is nice and really unique, and I’ve seen you change/improve a lot over the past year I’ve known you which I always loving seeing with artists.

@that-green-nut - Thank you for being one of my HotS/MHW buddies and for also running one of my first guild event experiences in the guild. Your series was a blast to play through and be at, I’m definitely looking forward to the new stuff you have in mind. You’re also one of the most entertaining people at events for me so I appreciate that too haha.

@diermina - We haven’t hung out very much in a while but it was fun hanging out with you and Vesp at 4 AM back when I first joined, you were always pretty open to listening to whatever I had to say and in general were just around when I was usually lonely so thank you for that! Playing PUBG was always an experience too haha

@jessiphile - Thanks for being one of my chat buddies and someone who shares their content a lot with me. I know I’ve said it a bunch but I do enjoy your stuff and that you always seem really passionate about it. Playing OW with you was always fun as well, like your pro Hanzo and Hammond plays :^)

@nastyukulele - You’ve always been willing to help me out with whatever I needed, and that means a LOT to me. I also think you’re a pretty fun guy to hang around, whether it being during events or otherwise.

@scowlet - I always appreciate when someone is willing to carry my dumb ass through content LOL so thank you. It was a lot of fun doing Stormblood stuff with you for my first time, and in general you’re pretty cool to hang around with. Also your aesthetic on your blog is one of my faves, idk if I said that before lmao so there you go.

@perfectperfidy and @theshadowavatar - a pair for this one because you two were my two group buddies back in Amsterdam in 1942 <3 You guys are both super rad and it was really cool interact with both of your characters back then, and since then I’ve met your other characters and I really like all of them as well. I’m definitely looking forward to my future interactions with both of you at events :>

@steppesthetic - It’s always been fun playing games with you, whether it be Rainbow Six, Rising Storm 2, or whatever else it is we play together. I enjoy your sense of humor a lot too, and I am always wishing for better things for you! I also enjoy seeing your characters at events, I think you’re a fun presence to have around.

@rumze - We don’t chat super often but I see you around a lot on Tumblr and sometimes online. You’re a very friendly person and I think you’re one of the funniest people I know, and you give a lot of legitimately good advice too which is nice. I enjoy seeing someone who’s willing to spread positivity a lot like you do.

@vantilles - I’ve learned a lot from you about Native American people and the going ons with them, and I’m very glad that you’ve helped by either talking about it on Mumble or reblogging stuff on Tumblr for it. Also I appreciate you for inspiring me on the ride or die path in games, although mine seems to be more ride AND die but y’know...I’m learning. Hope you can get your net fixed sometime so we can play shit together!

@ventrue - I really enjoyed the event series you’ve started, and I’m looking forward to more things from it in the future! I also think you’re a pretty talented writer, and I’m giving you my energy in hopes that you’ll move on to bigger and better things eventually in life.

@monalfee - (i finally remember the id fully you’re using now lmao) You’re a pretty good person to listen to, I think. I enjoy hanging out with you a lot and hearing how you tell stories or just banter back and forth with other people. You’re also a lot of fun to play games with, we’re definitely nothing to be messed with in BRs :^) I also love interacting with your characters at events, al-Malik has grown to be one of my favorites of any game. Keep up the good work bud! and gimme some of that soup shit that makes you so good

@padridis & @gambaroni - two peas in a pod, I can’t separate you guys for this one. I love hanging out with you guys and just shooting the shit, and it’s fun when we get to play stuff together. I know I don’t drink with you guys and I don’t webcam cause I’m lame and don’t have the stuff, but fucking around with you guys is pretty fun nonetheless. I’m definitely glad I got to know both of you and I wish I had done so sooner.

@iamreinhardt - It’s been a wild year buddy, you were one of the first people I started talking to and the first person’s events that I actually participated in. I’ve loved watching you grow and growing along side you as a person. I think you’re one of the most talented individuals that I know, and you’re passionate about everything you do which I love. I feel very blessed that I know you as well as I do, and I’m glad that you choose me to be in your events and that you’re willing to put in your creative energy to making stuff for me (and everyone else, too!). I’m definitely looking forward to all of the content you make in the present and in the future, and I’m also looking forward to hanging out with you more, whether it just be watching stuff or playing games or just talking. You’ve been one of my emotional anchors as well, and I’m glad that you’re always willing to talk to me about stuff. Wishing the best for you, friend.

And finally last, but not by any means least, @for-peace-war - I don’t know if you view it as such, but I’m glad you took a chance on me and letting me into your guild and into your games. I feel like you’ve taught me so much as a person and you’ve been one of the main reasons I’ve grown so much this past year as a person, and you’re definitely one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. I feel like I could talk to you about anything and you’d say something that would give me something to think on or realize something about. Your games are also a blast to be at, and I’m glad that you put your time and effort into making me a part of them. You’ve also been one of the other people who’ve been willing to talk to me or reach out when I’ve been having a rough time, and I really appreciate that you’ve done that for me. You’re also fun to play games with (even if I can be a bit of a thankless ass it turns out <:( ), and just in general you’re a pleasant person to hang out with and joke around. I’m glad that you let me into your guild and that you’ve given me the opportunity to know all these wonderful people, including yourself, and that I hope it’ll last for some time to come.

Thank you everyone for all the memories and time you’ve given me. I know a year isn’t a lot to some, but it’s always been special to me as a person. If I missed anyone, I’m sorry! I tried to fit as many people as I could into this post and I am forgetful as a person, but I do love all of you. Here’s to hoping for another year (and more!) to come!