#i’m stressed about work. i think it’s literally just gunna be me and my manger tonight 😭

[motheyes]

omg there’s no more chair out here

[thoughtsicantshare]

5/15/18

Hey guys!

My life has been an emotional roller coaster recently-- and that’s an understatement.

I have been stressed to the max with school, work, and family. 

Work: I love the majority of my coworkers, but there are some that really just destroy my patience. They either come at LEAST and hour late to EVERY shift or just DON’T show up at all. It’s absolutely insane. How are people so irresponsible? They complain about not having enough money or not being able to affor this but they do it to themselves.  And then my manager does nothing about it. Don’t get me wrong, I habsolutely love my manger. He’s kind, funny, caring and very accommodationg. He constantly goes out of his way to make work a fun and safe environment. BUT, he really needs to start putting his foot down bc it’s now negatively affecting everyone. It hurts the guests who now either can’t be seen by their favorite person or have to see someone else last minute; the other people who have to pick up the girl’s slack so they’re extra busy; the center’s reputation; and the recptionists (my position) because we have to make all the calls/move all the appointments, deal with the rushes, and deal with the nasty guests.  I’m not one who preaches “oh, that’s not fair” bc I don’t belief the world is always fair, but this is fucking ridiculous. I get nervous to were the wrong hoes with my uniform (no one even sees my dumb ass shoes) and these girls just don’t show up to work at all and aren’t repremanded. 

School: This semester kicked my ass-- I think I mentioned that already. I ended up with 5 As and 1 A-. I’m not gunna lie, I’m really mad about that A-, but I don’t have the energy to fight it.  I’m taking 6 classes again next semester. WHY???? Idk.  This summer I’m an OL (orientation leader), so I get to be that annoying person leading the freshman around during their orientation in the summer. I’m SO EXCITED for it. I really, really, really, love school and especially I love my school. I hope I can pass on this love or at least help the freshies like the school.

Family: I don’t think I’ve mentioned what’s been going on with my family on here. Really, only a few people in my real life know what’s going on. I have my reasons for that, one being that it’s a loaded issue and I don’t think my friends can really understand or help me, so I’ve just kept quiet and two, it’s not really my story to tell, so I feel like I’m overstepping.  Honeslty, though I really don’t know how to deal with it and I just feel so alone and scared.

In short, my mom was diagnosed with majro depressive disorder. She was officially diagnosed around this past December, but she’s been dealing with it for about 2 years.  However, she was raised in a time where mental health, depression and therapy was really looked down upon. She’s kinda fallen victim to the stigma against mental health, so she’s just not dealing with it.  She’s been hospitalized two or three times now. She’ll take the medicine for like a month or two after she gets out of the hospital and then stops and the cycle repeats. 

I’m at the point where I just don’t know what to do anymore. She refused to admit she’s depressed. She keeps extended her leaves from work. She just sits in the house all day doing nothing. Every once in a while she’ll do a little cleaning, but that’s it. 

I don’t know how to help and I just feel like I make things worse.  I haven’t been able to really deal with it or cope. I’m constnalty scared for her-- what is she doign all day, is she ok, did she eat, will she be there when I get home? 

I’m not mad at her, but bc I don’t know how to voice my feelings, it usually comes off like I am. I’ve tried the nice way, the psych student way, the lay person way, the mean way, the scared way to explain what she’s going through and express how I feel but nothing is working. 

I honelty feel trapped. I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m home but when I’m not, I worry even more.  I just don’t know what to do, how to feel, how to help her or myself. 

I’ve always thought that I was storng, but this is really taking a toll on me and I don’t know what to do. 

So, yeah. I’m mad stressed. 

Boys:  I’m still in love with the same kid. As far as I know, he’s not in love with me.  I think one of the worst things about being secretly in loe with your best friend is that you can’t talk about it with that person.  That sentence makes sense in my head, but idk if it translates in writing lol. 

I think the biggest issue here is that he plays wayyyyyy too much.  One minute he likes me so much, the next he’s talking to a girl, then it’s back to I just wanna be with you and then all of a sudden he has a gf. THEN he breaks up with her “for me”-- yes, he’s told me that twice now???

But he never acts on it. It’s all talk. Like literally the other night we were on the phone and he hits me with “I kinda really like this girl” ??????????????????????????????? Turns out, he’s kinda been talking to one of his coworkers from one of his old jobs.  But then he has the AUDACITY to tell me that I’m his soulmate. In the same 30 min span of time. WHAT THE FUCK??? How can he tell me he likes another girl but simultaneusly tell me that we’re soulmates. PLS lmk.

The way I see it, I have two options. 1. Tell him how I really feel     --- BUT this can’t work bc he’s catching feelings for this other girl so it’s gunna be a fucking dub 2. Distance myself from him and see i the’ll help me get over him     --- BUT feelings or not, the kid is my best friend. We were friends first. The feelings, MY feelings, came later. I really, really don’t wannt lose him as a friend. 

I’m just so confused because I can’t figure him out.  Is he really just talk? Does he actually like me, but think I don’t like him? If he’s preping me for “us” one day bc he thinks that things just won’t work out between us now?  Is he just a total player who loves the attention? Does he really just see me as only his close friend?

I want answers. I need answers.  I can’t get answers.  Friends: This is probably the only part of mu life going decent.  I’ve reconnected w lots of my old friends and I’m very happy about it.  I went to my friends’ school the other weekend to hang out and go out. I saw 4 of my old friends and it was SO nice to reconnect.  We went to this grimy bar, but ended up0 having so much fun bc it was us.  I talk literally all day with my old friend Winston. She’s a mess, but I love her so much. She’s one of the most genuine and loyal people. She’s such a good friend, man. I’m very thankful to have someone like her and to have her so close to me.  I miss my best friend Lisa. Lisa is the one I’ve known since I was in diapers. We go to school and hour apart and we’re both so busy that we barely get to talk ): Thankfully, this semster is over, so she comes home in a couple of days. We can go back to fun hikes, museum adventures, lazy days watching every episonde possible of Catfish, and beach days.  Since we literally get to talk I only like twice a week, there’s so much I feel like she doesn’t know about my life. I hate that. 

All in all, I just want this summer to be fun. I want to meet new people and do new things.  I want to meet a guy, fall fo rhim and have him actually fall for me.  I want to go out dancing and have a few drinks.

I feel like my life has been really heavy recently with everything going on with school, work and especially my family.  I want to finally live my life as a (semi) carefree 20-ear-old who goes out, has fun, and can just be happy.