#i’ve never been able to make boundaries bedayse i want to be liked so badly

[stabyou]

some days i do feel like envy in his little tiny grub form from fmab. i just want love and i’ve been treated so badly by myself and everyone around me and the WORLD even that i have become so bitter and cold and jealous and i hate it. i want the love everyone else has so bad it makes me ill. but i can’t find it because i’m so closed off due to past trauma and friendships that ended badly. too scared of ridicule, too scared of being unliked, too scared of being anything besides what i am now, which is completely alone and devoid of any real human connections. anything else feels like knives. i cant be close to anyone because i feel like i’m putting a burden on them.

my existence is a burden. to be my friend, to be close to me, is a burden that is insurmountable. i wish i could be okay with the loneliness. i wish i could be okay waking up to nothing on my phone. i wish i could be okay without people thinking of me. but i want the warmth so badly. that’s all i’ve ever fucking wanted and i never got it. ever since i was tiny and begging my mom and dad to stop fighting. there was no time of softness for me. i just want to fall into love like a pillow. friends holding a cake that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY (i have never had a single birthday party) and we watch movies and play games and i don’t wonder where the love is for me.

i don’t think i’ll ever be brave enough. so alone i have to be. i’m really sorry to myself for this. i wish i could be stronger and reach out, but my arm is cut off at the crook. i cant reach any farther, i don’t have anything left to give.