#i'll make a proper post when im more... confident

[sleeping-in-the-sky]

what're your favorite headcanons about the infinite blue boys

asdfghjkl thank you for the ask! Apologies this took so long, I love wanting to do multiple hobbies and subsequently not making progress on any of them

Anyway I'm a sucker for domestic mundane things, like the list of random facts VelvetFox posted in this ask, so here are some headcanons for the boys with that same vibe:

(I had some scraps of IB dad headcanons so those are mixed in here too)

Infinite Blue LIs x Reader. No mentions of reader pronouns or gender. Also posted on Ao3 here.

——

Alexei:

Has journals full of thoughts and observations about anything and everything. Some of his writing is illegible and other parts make no sense to anybody but him because it's literally his runaway train of thoughts dumped onto paper. He sticks post-it notes with diagrams between the pages, jots down excerpts from Wikipedia pages, and overall it's not an aesthetic read... But flipping through can give you an idea of how this super genius's brain works.

He also writes about you in these notebooks, albeit they're written in between stuff like the thirty-seven fun facts of siphonophores and his favorite part of last night's dinner. Many of them are things you’ve never even noticed about yourself like the way you hold the steering wheel while driving. This is also where he'll stick date memorabilia, like movie tickets. (this hc was inspired by this fic by @sailxrmxrs <3)

If you two own a saucer chair or some other small round comfy seat, he'll probably fall asleep in it at least once. He curls up, all 5'10" of him tucked in that tiny space. Naturally, his body hurts when he wakes up and therefore he gets a bit grumpy. So next time if you see him dozing off maybe lead him to the couch or the bed so he can stretch comfortably.

Brooklyn:

I want to imagine that he has a closet only for his clothing irons and ironing boards. Like a fucking broom closet and you open it to see that there's those four boards and a dozen irons. These include vintage clothing irons, restored and repurposed. He knows how to use them and take care of them too. Why does this make me laugh so hard.

Clothes shopping. Take this man clothes shopping. Yes, he'll buy you anything but honestly? Even disregarding that it’s a fun time because he would enjoy discussing outfits, and if your taste isn't the same as his business-academia-formal style he could be convinced into trying an outfit you styled, or vice versa. Also he's a total simp every time you step out of the changing room. Need fit pics? He's got you covered.

Something tells me Brooklyn would enjoy snacks and desserts from around the world. He'd love to make them himself (and with you!), but you could just come home with some mitarashi-dango because your local Asian supermarket was having a sale and he's already cracking open the container for the ceremonial-grade green tea leaves.

Leo:

Leo's our favorite gamer guy, but I think he also enjoys jigsaw puzzles whether they be with his friends or you or both. These are the quiet nights where everyone is focusing, intently staring at the puzzle sitting on the coffee table while aimlessly chatting. It's super peaceful, though sometimes time slips by unnoticed and by the time you all finish it's two in the morning.

Does that thing where you put someone in a shopping car, sprint across the parking lot while pushing said cart, then jump on it while it's moving. He does it with his friends, you, and his future kid (albeit with a lot more caution). He really wants to kiss you while he’s doing it too, but maybe not because what happens if he hits a car, or worse, someone else?

While we're on the topic of transportation and kisses, every time you're sitting shotgun and he pulls the car in reverse he'll put his hand on your seat and lean in to kiss you. Every. Single. Time.

Kiss him first. It'll get him flustered. Do it.

Milo:

I want to believe he really likes having his hair brushed. If you ask him about it he'll never admit it beyond a quick affirmative, but anytime you sit behind him and start to gently run the bristles through his tangles, he could feel himself relaxing. It's soothing. He might fall asleep like that.

Milo would own a 3d printer. I have no definitive reasons why. Vibe check says he owns a 3d printer and will print out cool little knickknacks and give them to you without a word because they either help you in a mundane way (like a toothbrush holder), or he'll print out something cute like a tiny frog with a mushroom hat because he likes seeing your face light up.

Or he'll print out something cursed, like that Thomas the Tank Engine bottlecap where the liquid streams out of the eyes. It's a coin toss every time.

Rory:

Was that one kid reading with a flashlight under the covers. Even now that he's older, he likes to get a bed light and read before bed. Sometimes he gets super engrossed in it and you gotta peel that book off him. He’ll complain. Stand your ground. Otherwise he'll be super sleep-deprived and cranky the next morning.

If his future child also turns out to be an avid reader, he'll secretly change out their flashlight batteries. Or get them a night light with some half-baked excuse of, "so you don't turn on all the lights when you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and wake the entire house up." Sure, Rory.

Speaking of sleep-related things, he really likes it when you fall asleep next to him/on him. His expression melts into the softest smile and he'll pull you in tightly. If he falls asleep on you, he's the kind to unconsciously hold onto you/must be touching you at all times. He gets really embarrassed about it if you mention this to him. I recommend taking a picture and making it his contact photo.

Tobias:

Has terrible handwriting but an impeccable signature. Don't ever ask him to write the grocery list because it takes forever to decipher his chicken scratch, but he'll sign stuff for fans in one fluid stroke, and that shit looks clean. And yes, he'll offer to sign something for you too.

Loves it when he's chilling on the couch after a long day and you flop on top of him. He'll happily be your teddy bear and let you lay there for hours, the two of you chatting and watching TV while he rubs soft circles on your back. Feel free to fall asleep like that too.

He's the type to enjoy flashy, expensive dates. He takes you out in his sports car to get dinner at a fancy restaurant, followed by spectating sports games from the VIP seats. But I also think incredibly mundane things, like the two of you going out just to grab ice cream in sweatpants and hoodies give him a special kind of happiness.

Seeing you sleepily rubbing your eyes as you come to pick him up from the airport is enough to make him giddy.

[rassicas]

hi guys! im back. i went tokyo for a few days. got back at 7 this morning after taking an overnight 7 hour bus ride.... that i did not sleep on bc i cant sleep in moving vehicles. this will be something closer to a proper blog post i guess. splatoon related convention? experience below

i've kept my mouth shut about my plans to go because its not as well known on the english side of the fanbase and i didnt wanna make people too jealous sorry LOL , but i went to splaket 22! it's an unofficial, splatoon-only doujinshi market/artists alley. this was my first convention-sort-of event ive been to since i was... in high school. i also dont really get to meet many other hardcore splatoon fans irl. i was nervous about it because i don't know a whole lot of people on the JP side nor do i have a lot of confidence in my japanese speaking/listening, but in the end it was SUPER fun. i wish i couldve talked a bit more to the artists i did encounter to comment on what i liked about their works but. Skill Issue very few non-japanese people at this event of course but one of the only english speakers i saw i called out to bc they were wearing a shirt with this exact image printed on it no video and no photos outside of designated areas were allowed so i got like. zero pics of my own. but there was a lot of cosplayers i saw! oh and here's the Loot Haul. a few doujin, a clear file, stickers, microfiber cloth and a keychain. im surprised at how little i got, i think i shouldve gone a bit crazier with it

the one with Tao Blu and oonie in the top left (by sachikazerick) I came across by chance and bought because it was cute, featured splatband characters, and also because it all in some familiar inkling language (the last point of which i told the artist as i was buying) when i finally got home and saw the back credits...

SMALL FUCKIN WORLD LOL (i tweeted at the artist afterwards to let him know i came by the table and to thank him for using me and my friend's inkling language fonts!) though truly, i think ardnin deserved the credit more rather than me since he made most of those fonts! ah well, still cool to see more and more fan works using deciphered inkling language. top middle book is a story with some salmonid characters that i havent read yet but im looking forward to it, the art is lovely. top right one was the first thing i bought. the artist is rk_splaworks, whose art i love, and we've been mutuals for a few years and have talked a bit here and there! i was so fucking nervous to meet them in person since my japanese sucks LMAO but they were happy to meet me too and we got a selfie together yippy <3 also havent read their doujin Yet since ill have to rub all my brain cells together and huddle over the dictionary, but i want their oc lore

ok that's all i'll say, next splaket is...june 22. very soon....im already thinking ill. go again. yknow. while im still in japan and all that. i guess ill have to study harder on my jp in the meantime teehee ...i doubt it, but in the off chance anyone following me is going to the next splaket in june lemme know!

[endlessburningdarkness]

If you wanted to write a AU of SVSSS Ending, with your ideas, what would you write?

is this about my bingqiu fix it idea?

i made a post about it once, here's the link: https://www.tumblr.com/endlessburningdarkness/759446410753097728/fic-im-working-on-bingqiu-au-after-maigu-ridge?source=share

basically the idea is post maigu ridge, shen yuan is absolutely traumatized and everyone else like liu quingge and yue qingyuan is horrified hen they find him near dead and with blood running down his thighs. they don't just let him go to luo binghe and he's not just magically okay after essentially being raped for the sake of plot. he could not give any proper consent because the alternative was the world ending. this is called coerced consent, and thus is sexual assault.

shen yuan saying he "chose" it doesn't change the fact that he felt he had no otehr choice, other than dying or letting the world get destroyed, which is not a choice obviously.

luo binghe also reacts more realistically and more emotionally intelligent and like he actually cares about shen yuan and not just about getting in his pants. he's horrified by what he unintentionally did. he gives shen yuan space and time to recover. making sure to wear different clothes than he did that day and not touching him or getting too close etc.

he self reflects and realizes he too was at fault for the events that happened.

shen yuan slowly heals and begins to experience his attraction to men as luo binghe is still there, making amends by fixing up the mess he created when trying to end the world. he's sometimes practising without a shirt for example and shen yuan admires him. shen yuan realizes and accepts he's into men but is still nervous about sex with binghe because he's fucking traumatized and doesn't want that dick anywhere near him. he has nightmares and they don't sleep together.

as i said things slowly get better, with binghe's patience and reassurance that they never have to do anything helping shen yuan gan confidence in his own desires. luo binghe goes to a brothel to learn how to pleasure a man, and then goes home and practices with a dildo he got from the brothel ladies.

then he eventually seduces shen yuan slowly and gently, and they have amazing loving, non-coerced, non-guilty tripped, not "i'll endure because i must" but actually genuinely mutually desirable and enjoyable sex. shen yuan gets the sex god husband he deserves and luo binghe is reassured that he won't hurt his beloved ever again. shen yuan also has some character growth, realizing luo binghe is not just the "protagonist" who MUST TOP, because luo binghe bottoms for him and loves it.

fixed.

[companion-showdown]

hi everyone, its me! (not that you haven't heard from me the past month and a half). @adventure-showdown has now entered its quarter-finals, so I thought it worth giving a bit of an update.

I think I said at one point I expected to be back to companion tournaments in mid November, which was ridiculous looking back, but now i can confidently say that I'll be back to these on the 19th. But busy time of year that it is, when I return it'll be to mini tournaments until January (feel free to sent me any suggestions!)

Come January my plan is to host Companion Showdown 2k24, opening the year with a simple popularity contest. Now obviously this was the first tournament I ran, things have changed a bit in the running of things, become more involved, but probably not enough to significantly change the outcome. But things will be different this time

nominations, you will be able to nominate your favourite companions

proper seeding

I think there was some propaganda last time but i think im much better at it now

propaganda embedding in posts? this will depend on if its something people want, it would be like @adventure-showdown posts, I'd set up a form and then any submitted propaganda would go under a cut at the end of the main body of the post. The form would also be the nomination process to make things a bit easier

only after that will things be truly back to normal

anyway, if anyone has any suggestions for the changing of the running of this blog, now would be the time. You can also suggest any tournaments you would like to see run, the current list is here - it is slightly out of date as of writing this, some of them we have now done, and i have a few asks with suggestions I haven't gone through yet, but I will get it updated soon enough

[the-whirlers]

Hello! Here from AO3 and really enjoy your fic. Just wanted to reach out to ask if you had any tips for developing a story and taking the time to create something and having enough confidence to post it publicly? For example, do you plan your entire story out and write in long sit-down sessions or in bursts of energy if that makes sense? Thank you in advance for reading.

hello hello! thank you for the ask. i am saur saur sorry I let this sit for over a week, idk how to use tumblr!!! here is the long long answer:

i had the concepts and ideas i wanted to play with first and then the general plot after - basically the timeline and events were more or less finalized before I started actually putting stuff together. And then randomly if im on the train or something and read an article in the news or listen to a song or look at a piece of art and think wow thats rlly proper stuff i'll drop that all in like a "scrapbook" on my iphone notes as inspo of stuff i want to do stylistically . then i punch clock in for a few hours on a free weekend to tie everything out and churn out a chapter.

I think the key to sharing your stuff is all of this should be enjoyable, you have no fiduciary obligation for what u make to be perfect or even good. its SO FUN to put stuff out there and think "christ that's just absolute dogsht hehe" the next day bc you rlly cant get away w/ that attitude at work. for sunday friend i had the sudden clarity 8 chapters in that replacing what he says with the "Zs" looks SO DUMB but im not going to go back and fix it bc come on i cant be bothered. with the rise of AI, people will at some point be able to generate whatever fic they want but they wont have these unique mistakes or have the very specific inspos you bring to the table as a person living life

(off topic but this is why i think we should let the robots calculate our taxes and underwrite leveraged loans or whatevr and let the humans be creative. ill get CANCELLED one day for being a human supremacist and telling the clankers to stay in their LANE)

its good to be proud of what you're making and also bc people are reading your stuff i want to put in lots and lots of effort since they graciously chose to invest their spare time but at the end of the day the quality only has to be at the point u can read your own fic and enjoy it xxxxxxxxxx and when you do publish something PLS send it to me i'm already SO excited to read it <3 I hope this was helpful :D!!!

[platonic-qpr-selfshipping]

don't mind me just leaving more random writing around here to have it all in the same place. I have my last exam tomorrow so I thought about posting it for luck and confidence boost of some sort lmao, l i need a proper break but self-indulgent fanfiction can do a lot in the meantime

Sethos idea based on something @infernal-selfships mentioned while talking about him, Im so grateful for all your support bro

this was just to experiment i have no idea of how I actually feel about Sethos lmao JHSBDS I just enjoyed wondering about it but I'll hopefully meet him this week!!

Sethos felt N's head against his back for a moment, a mere second that proved to him that he wasn't imagining things when he first felt it. There was only one lantern guiding their way through the desert at those hours of the night, and N's body, right behind him on that camel, had started to feel warmer and closer than any light.

Perhaps he was, in fact, making up allegories he shouldn't have.

"Are you falling asleep?" Sethos asked, smiling to himself.

"Just a little. I'm not used to staying up this late, I'm sorry."

By Sethos' command, the camel began to slow down its pace. N was so sleepy it took them a whole moment to actually notice it and, when it practically stopped, Sethos turned to them in his seat:

"C'mon, get down. You're gonna fall down if you fall asleep back there."

"Huh?"

The thought of Sethos leaving them in the middle of the desert crossed their mind. N looked around. Sand, dunes and more mountains of sand. Was he really going to...?

"Do you need help?" the young man asked, slightly confused at his companion's silence. 

"No, I— Are you gonna leave me here?"

It could have been the question, perhaps the serious tone of it, what made a chuckle grow in him. Sethos tried not to laugh, but his entertained expression was unmatchable.

"Pft— N, please, why would I? I just want you to sit in front of me."

"Oh," they answered, their sleepy eyes letting surprise slip through. And so they held onto the chair once more and jumped down the camel in a few seconds. After petting their animal friend, who had turned to greet them, N stared at the new spot Sethos had just made space for. "I think I need help to get up there, though."

"No problem, I can always lend you a hand."

One moment and their hands were one. Another and a pull gave them momentum to get on the seat again. From that position at the front of it, it was now them who felt the other by their back. 

And ahead of them, the hidden desert and its silence felt both peaceful and scary.

"Hey there, I actually meant the other way around," Sethos teased. "You should face me so you don't fall to the front, am I right?"

"Oh, right."

N struggled a bit to change their position up there, but did so either way. Sethos' suggestion seemed logical, so why wouldn't they? Despite the sleepiness, their movements were so precise that Sethos couldn't find a chance to explain the meaning behind his words. Next thing he knew, N's nose seemed to be centimetres from his and they were trying to figure out where to put their arms without clinging to the guy. He wondered if his ears had ignored some words due to his heartbeat suddenly getting louder.

"Like this?" N asked, still avoiding his eyes. "You sure you're gonna be comfortable with me here?"

Sethos swallowed saliva. "Yeah, just— As long as you're comfortable. Feel free to fall asleep."

"I don't intend to use you as a pillow," they chuckled.

"Too bad, then," he answered with a playful tone. Next, he pulled the rope to continue marching.

But the sudden shift because of the movement made N, who unconsciously feared for their balance, hold onto him with one of their arms. "Uh, sorry."

"Shh, it's alright. You can hold onto me, we're closer than that, won't you agree?"

Their eyes met for the first time since N had sat down. Then silence, and a reassuring smile from Sethos. He was becoming a bit fed up with the way his brain had decided to overthink the littlest actions for the past few days, making him now fear that he would lose control of the rope and camel just to continue staring at N. Yet he managed to keep his usual smile, trusting that would be enough realness on his part— also not too much.

"...I suppose I'll take you up on that," N finally answered, softly smiling back. "But please, do tell me if you get uncomfortable. Wake me up if needed, I won't mind."

"Suuure."

N's arms relaxed as they gently wrapped Sethos in them. Some fingers had a stronger grip on his clothes, but the embrace was tender overall. Seeing they got no complaints, they let drowsiness take over and slowly rested their head against his shoulder. In the middle of that night, Sethos appeared like the source of warmth they could cling to, and their body made sure not to draw away. Not when it was him, not when he was there.

However, relaxing had suddenly become a hard task for Sethos.

It was silly, he thought. The way his thoughts seemed to suddenly stop, how his body reacted at the touch of the other, at some of their words too, even. Archons, perhaps even at their sight, at least lately. Having his outgoing thoughts clash with unexpected feelings like those wasn't something he knew how to deal with.

He had suspected they would get along, sure, but he feared he had started to like them so much that the sole reason his heart beated faster was to try keep up with it all. It seemed absurd, but also so, so unlike him to fight against it. So, whatever. He might just really feel a lot towards his new friend. The friend who currently slept while embracing him under that starry sky that seemed to exist only for them.

Sethos sighed, as if letting the air out into that desert was the sign that he accepted how things were. Then, just slowly, as if fearing they were awake, raised one of his hands until it reached N's head. He caressed their hair with his thumb before trying to look at them.

Soft eyelids, closed. Brown waves cradled by his hand. Their chests connected as if, for a moment, they were all they had. Sethos breathed in.

Friends, huh?

[fearowkenya]

😂😂😅😅 I keep saying I'll leave a comment proper on ao3.... I swear it'll happen...

But anyway, I just caught up on your "Winds of change" fic, chapter 5 is such a nice transitory chapter. Very sweet and soothing for what's to come LOL I like Shuuji's suspiciousness of the other partnermon because they're rooted in observation that have the right amount of ambiguity to make him feel like he's losing his mind lol Specially with how the others don't seem to acknowledge them at all lol In Saki's case, she's in her feelings and wary and keeping on her ever avoidsnt facade, so it makes sense she doesn't wanna put her hands to the fire. Aoi is always about holding herself back, specially if it could be something disruptive so it makes sense she wouldn't say anything either lol If it's something in her mind, she's gonna over think it and talk about it privately to Takuma or Labramon, whoever feels pertinent, later so 😂 Tough luck, Shuuji. It's harder for me to tell if Miu picks on anything, it could go either way lol But yeah, the doubt about his own perceptions works well for his general anxious demeanor.

I love the way you write Labramon lol Her strong personality and the inherently bossy way she carries herself really comes across lol Very resolute. Agumon also came across so sweetly, that sort of hilarious and apparently simple-minded loud and surprised reactions from him that still underscore how emotional and sensitive he is was really good. And ofc, Miu holding then together and relaxing the atmosphere with her antics was great as well.

seriously, there's no rush or obligation! it means a lot to me that you're reaching out on tumblr to comment (:

oh phew, im so happy to hear that it feels like a good transition between 'arcs'.

yeah, i'm actually having a lot of fun exploring shuuji in this post-waterway but pre-10daytimeskip period of time. ive talked about it before, but i noticed theres not a ton of interaction between shuuji and the others (other than takuma and ryo) that the player gets to see after he makes amends with lopmon and before part8.

based on how shuuji is much more respected by the group after takuma is back from the other side, i think there was a lot of effort on his part to smooth the feathers he ruffled before he underwent that personal growth. it's a shame we don't get to see it in-game, but i know im having (and am going to have) a lot of fun thinking about shuuji trying very hard to build or rebuild relationships with his peers after botching a few of them (notably kaito, though i will say that while i DO have plans for writing kaito-shuuji interaction, they're outside the scope of what im covering in winds of change).

BUT yeah, all this to say, these stunted relationships he has with the group at this point in time is why it's so hard for him to discern if other people's partners are deliberately hiding things from him. jumping to conclusions has only caused problems for him in the past, so he's trying to avoid it and think about things rationally. but that's hard when he has no frame of reference for how the digimon "normally act" , and you're right, the lack of acknowledgement of "suspicious" behavior from the human partners makes it even harder for him to tell if something's off.

i was SOOOO surprised at how fun and easy labramon was for me to write!! i was actually pretty worried about it at first. labramon's a lot more complex than i gave her credit for - i mean obviously the way she treats aoi is FAR different to how she treats everyone else, but i do think that the snark and bossiness is just her way of conveying that she's confident in her methods and wants to use those methods to keep the others safe. she's such a delightful contrast to aoi but if i get into that now we'll be here all day. glad you enjoyed how i portray her! agumon is fun too, he's just so genuine <3 it's very comforting to hear that i'm doing okay with miu too. as much as i love her, i think she's the toughest for me to write after saki.

thank you again so so much for taking the time to write such a long and thoughtful comment. i really do appreciate it!! <3 you have a really solid grasp on the characters as well, so i'm always happy to hear your insight! (:

[soup-du-silence]

tagged by @yeoroot!

Original: “If you get this, answer w/ three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs. anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog!”

(It got changed to a tagging game so I pasted the original to keep track of the prompt) sorry the chain always ends with me asdkgffds i never know who to tag or whatever

I've been listening to I Lose Control by Teddy Swims on repeat lately because it's my "jamikali fuck codependent mental amv soundtrack" song--shut up i know we all do this. im no exception.

2. springboarding off of yeo: I DONT have 73 gigs of pics in my phone (haha holy shit) but my screencap folder does pretty much look exclusively like this because it took me ages to learn that i dont HAVE to screenshot pixiv doujin to translate it, i can just long press and select google lens. oops!

3. i have seven in-progress fic docs at the moment. i dont know if any of them will see the light of day. One feels...closeish? Like its more than 50% to completion and it feels dumb not to try to muscle through. One i want to finish soooooooo bad but i dont know if i'll be able to brute force my way through the technical stuff. One is self indulgent misery porn (and actual porn) that i dont know if id ever be comfortable posting---Everyone can do whatever they want forever, free of judgement....except me, of course. I deserve to be shamed out of being cringe. the rest are probably nothing going nowhere. i can only ever seem to make meaningful progress on them when im not supposed to be writing (at work, in social situations) and its low key agony!! If I get ONE done maybe the two-day post-posting positive reinforcement period will bolster my confidence enough to make some proper headway.

[lovckett]

uhhhhhhhhhhh don lookat this if you don't wanna see me talking about cringe things and my past suicidal ideation

how does imposter syndrome STILL affect me when it is clear in multiple different ways that i worked hard to get where i am now ? there is the equivalent of an entire stadium full of people that like my art and my works . there are a multitude of times my fics and i have been praised and showered in compliments . i post daily so these also happen daily . so why does it feel like im not doing enough .

because i associate my success with struggle . if it felt like something was too easy to do or i didn't struggle or get frustrated with its process , then its false and i didn't work hard enough . it's hard for me to understand that maybe i don't have to struggle all the time . that just because i didn't struggle today doesnt mean i struggled to improve a month ago . that still counts . how come i can't understand that everything leading up to this point counts ?

why does my stride through life feel like a meteor about to explode into tiny little pieces ? i'm not like sad or anything . i'm not bottling anything up or secretly angry at anything in particular . but every time i go at something with a confident approach i always picture a meteor about to crash into something . i don't falter but i'm still scared .

i fear the impact , i think . even without the threat i brace for impact and fear what will happen when i make contact with an obstacle after all this built up momentum . it feels as though i have no control over my trajectory and i might not be able to come back . i fear that maybe my momentum is self-annihilation and that there is an inevitable end . but why do i believe that thriving in momentum results in catastrophe ? why can't i just believe that instead of being stopped i break through whatever could happen ? i built this momentum up once , can i not just do it again ?

why would i let myself date a cannibal . what was the thought process there genuinely . 🧍‍♂️

i loved him too much . i loved him too much to the point where i was willing to give away both the physical and metaphorical parts of myself to him . all of my plans back then were slowly dismantled for the sake of love and compromise , but if it is not mutual , then is there a difference between that and self-sacrifice ? dunno if it's because i've moved on , or if it's because of his effect on me , but even if i'm not with him i still don't really wanna do the things i used to anymore . i'm better now , obviously . i pride myself in refusing to let anything illogical blind me , and i pride myself in being able to unapologetically stand my ground . so of course right now i view my past self as idiotic and stupid . and he WAS idiotic and stupid . still is . but all he did was Love , and then Love some more , and then Love one last time . did you know , back then — all i wanted to do when i grew up was live in a small cozy cabin in the forest ?

will i ever find someone i can be close to intimately ever again ? will i be able to hold someone close without getting hurt again ?

yes . no .

it's been a year now since i've been broken up with , give or take . it's been a year now since i tried to kill myself because of it . i'm over it and i laugh when it's brought up but why do i still think about it sometimes , when i am happy (er) these days ?

i am allowed to grieve for the potential of my old life and what could have been while thriving in my new one . i am allowed to process everything that happened in this way . i am not required to miss anything or anyone and just because i think about the past doesn't mean i'm not focused on my future . i am happier these days , and i'll stay that way no matter where my thoughts go . i'll be okay .

what would my life be like if i was allowed to have proper medication for my neurodivergency ?

i don't know .

behind the scenes i am a cold and angry person . i don't care about anyone and people close to me are just people i'm using for my own gains . this is so that i am not hurt and so that i am not vulnerable . i am a selfish man .

that isn't true . i love my friends . i can't act cold at all — sarcastic , maybe , playful bantering , perhaps , but i feel bad after i realize i hurt someone and i always apologize . i always like things to be fair and i make sure to include everyone so that no one in our friend group feels left out — and i am vulnerable no matter how much i say im not . i let myself be vulnerable around them and in turn they are vulnerable around me . we are not using each other . i am not using them . we love each other's company . i check up on them and i make sure they're doing alright , and its not being mean or cold or unfair if they are doing something bad and i call them out on it . even then i try my hardest not to make it seem like i am being unreasonable , and instead of arguing i like to talk it out . whaha , what kind of false diehard bastard am i ? it feels like i'm a sheep in wolf's clothing .

am i going in the right direction , with my life ? is this okay ? am i happy ? will i be okay ?

yes .

anyway sorry for the introspective post wahaha dpax pride month animatic coming soon !!! hit tweet throw this into queue

[justanxioustrash]

so it's done... i'll probably make a proper post when i have more time to sit with it but for now enjoy notes i took while watching each episode. 

warning it's long so have fun 😁

episode 11

holy shit this really feels like a final season

like fr there's a referential monologue every few minutes

we need a full time therapist for theses kids

Kreese is definitely gonna die

Conflicted on the attempted Kreese redemption

yes Amanda call Daniel out on his shit

holy shit we were right about Terry

love that lawrusso can finally have healthy conversations

is everyone gonna die???

where's tory?

episode 12

give Daryl his blue mats

Kumiko thank you for not falling in love with the man who put a knife to your throat

who tf is Tory living with?! like isn't she a minor how is she living with no guardian 

and where's her brother???

can't say i love the hyper realistic vr that's somehow is supposed to prepare Robby

i fucking love the samtory friendship. it's one of the few that feels genuine and not needed just to move the story forward

SENSI MIGUEL

👏healthy conversations👏

these boys are literally planning their future together and there's been not a single girlfriend mention...but no no they're platonic i promise

this women is having contractions let's get married later

you can tell a man wrote this cause this is not romantic 😭😭

AWWW LAURA

Johnny can we please stop putting so much pressure on your son winning this thing 

episode 13

yeah i'm definitely not a fan of the Kreese "redemption"

thank you Daniel for finally pointing out all the shit Robby's been through

this really is a kk1 reference to a slightly too obvious level 

wait no Robby has to fight don't make him lose

i know he doesn't need it but the writers have literally put so much emphasis throughout the season on how good Robby would feel if he won...now it's suddenly unimportant?!? let this man have one singular win i beg

is Miguel gonna fight as the Cobra Kai male fighter??

cgi Miyagi is ROUGH to look at but good try i guess

Sam not fighting makes sense cause she hasn't had much to fight for for awhile now but ROBBY ON THE OTHER HAND

no stop trying to redeem Kreese it's getting annoying 

okay acting chops 👏👏

HOLY SHIT I CALLED THAT

THE OG COBRA KAI

side note but love Tory's gold eyeliner

episode 14 

how tf is a show about karate making me emotional over a literal building

i get that the focus is the core four but i really miss the teens group dynamic 

johnny please spend more time at home you literally have a new baby 

sam and tory are so lesbian coded this season

wtf if the final episode gonna be about

BINARY BOYFRIENDS ON TOP

MY KINGS ARE HUGGING

coach Miguel makes another appearance

i know for a fact those flips were not necessary Zara but pop off ig

I LOVE YOU TORY TOO

kiss of confidence worked for eli in s4 so it better work this time too

no fucking mercy bitches

KNOCK OUT KNOCK OUT KNOCK OUT

TORY MY LOVE IM SO PROUD

Miguel do not let this get in your head istg

kiss of confidence x2

king shit Miguel

Carmen just gave birth give this women a break

sometimes the show forgets that Johnny is a good sensei but they popped off here ngl

Axel just join cobra kai please

the writers can be a bit much with flashbacks sometimes but this is actually cool as shit i can't even be mad

shout out the fight choreographers

MIGUEL MIGUEL MIGUEL MIGUEL

nah if there's a tie i'm actually gonna kms

FUCK

ahhh so that's what the final episodes going to be about

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

wait Johnny's so gonna die

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

nah keep Laura out if this shit

how tf did Kreese get on the boat?? this man gotta move away from karate and be a spy atp

can they both die please

oh good

episode 15

ooooo i like the name of the episode

APPLEBEE'S (also wtf is an applebee's cause they're only in the usa so i'm confused)

there's no way Johnny's gonna win this there has to be some reason the fight doesn't happen

🎵you're the best around🎵

THE FUCKING NECKLACE WAS HIS MOTHERS

like no shit Mr Miyagi wasn't a terrible person so idk why Daniel is acting so surprised

MY KING AND QUEEN ARE SUCCEEDING 

my man Daryl got back his mic!!

are we not going to address the ship exploding??

ITS KARATE TIME

god i love the og ck gi's

FEAR DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS DOJO

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I FUCKING LOVE THIS STUPID GODDAM SHOW

COBRA KAI! COBRA KAI! COBRA KAI!

how am i not supposed to ship elimetri when these are the scene they give us

they literally have matching shirts, a custom joint license plate, and are going off to uni together...but no they're totally straight 🤨

Robby and Tory have some how become my fav canon ship from this season despite not liking them previously 

we needed more Sam and Anthony scenes earlier i love them sm

WHY AM I CRYING THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT THE KARATE KID????

wait are we really not going to address the  literal yacht that BLEW UP

STINGRAY?!

YES SENSEI

will my feelings change after sitting with this a little longer? definitely. am i still running on adrenaline and incredibly happy despite my issues with the show? 100%