#i'm @ the gym rn but i'm free from classes and work for a week there will be replies to dms and drafts ✨

[shitneytears]

taking stock of where I'm at

long ass ugly ass post but I'm just thinking about a lot of things rn so I'm just gunna vomit it all out here and deal with it………. never

if you know me irl feel free to read this y'all know I'm an open book anyway idc.

I need to go to a dentist p bad now, my teeth have been fine my whole life like pretty straight and healthy jus a lil stained but thats fine whatever I'm not after hollywood white anytime soon; but atm I'm noticing they look like they're slowly moving and starting to misalign and look BAD and i want to deal with it before it gets too bad. I don't mind if i have to have braces (even tho i cant afford that l o l) but i DONT want braces on for next summer because if i have to graduate and have my grad pic taken with braces in i will fuckin end everything i cant i caNT have that. Also i want a hygienist to scrape all the shit off my entire mouth and like, polish and blast it back to neutral bcus even when i am cleaning my teeth atm they're just… they never LOOK clean which is starting to……… get me down??? not rlly but its just another thing I'm thinking about.

my DIET fuck ME. It was fine when i started it and it was a LOT of hard work for me to try some new foods but I've done it and proud of that, like iKNOW thats a huge step for me! but now the initial novelty is worn away I'm very very over it. I've learnt there are some veg i don't mind eating, but they're not \GOOD/ they're just there, and id always rather cook a recipe without them, the things that are new that aren't veg are the only things I've tried that id want to adopt into my actual normal eating habits??? like I'm enjoying sushi, sea bass, and steak too! (yeh I've never had steak before I'm fucking poor we don't buy nice meats so fuck off) couscous is very dependant on what you add to it but hey it is good sometimes! carrots are evil and sweet potato is just not the same as normal potato its nowhere near as good stop pretending sweet potato fries are good they're weird. I like yoghurt lots and should buy it more often tbh. anyway its just another thing I've got to think about and I'm TIRED of having to think about so many things

on a related note to that, it is having good results! i am loosing a lil bit of weight and can see a difference and I'm enjoying seeing my arms and legs looking a little more defined even after just 3 weeks!!!1! but my workouts are starting to have a lot less energy and I'm finding it VERY hard to find the mental and physical energy to drag myself to the gym at the moment. I mean i also do rlly miss going with michael bcus those few weeks were like the gym golden times honestly. so much fun.

i keep just sleeping, then spending like 3 hours slowly dragging myself to the gym nd doing breakfast and stuff and getting back home with my food for the day to cook off. its just. a lot. then i tend to just sit on my phone doing NOTHING until going to bed… I'm just so sleepy and low energy its shiIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT

The house maintanence is ridiculous too, we are so nearly done, i NEED them to replace that awful carpet and ill be good, its become such a huge mental block for me i cant SETTLE in my own home because its not quite done yet which is yet aNOTEHR task

dont ask me about my dissertation don't ask me about it i want to work on it but i feel like I've got no time even tho i clearly do its just something i cant face when I'm this low on energy truly

men are all evil idiot babies so jot that down

helping nathaniel in london is still fun and even tho it takes a whole day away from my own life I'm really enjoying it and its a positive in this GLOOMY time!

i am SO grateful for the energy I'm getting from rebecca in this time honestlyyyyyy laughing and getting coffee with her so often is getting me THROUGH and my convo with amy last night uhhhhhhhh i miss me graphics buddies

i wanna be back at uni making work again, really bad, and i don't want that to end! and also balancing my work with my studies is gunna be hard but i wanna get back into my roles on the board and hopefully course rep again.

i just wish i wasn't so POOOOOOORRRRRRRRR, honestly its such a real thing being in uni and going through this experience I'm very clearly not from the same place as most of these people and I'm doing the very stereotypical gay thing of having to EXCEL in EVERYTHING to prove I'm worth being here whilst some of the other richer people can just waste away their days and squander the whole degree its so frustrating they have that sense of entitlement to their space here when 100000 working class people would happily take that place and work harder with it.

having to be UR OWN male role model is exhausting but i gotta keep going, even if i need a 4 month break, gotta keep pushing as hard as possible all the time, because i gotta prove to my family that studying art wasn't a waste of money and time and i gotta be the positive male energy my brothers need so bad that i didn't have.