#i'm constantly doing research and watching videos and talking to my therapist about it

[starberry-skies]

getting on t would prob be such a pain and take forever and i have no idea if i even would want the results but also. i'd have first-hand experience for my projection fanfiction.

[arconn]

Things are changing...

WOW

I have had the craziest night tonight when researching into some options I could have at PIMA, the medical institute I visited on Friday! So this is a school that does accelerated classes, the two I am looking at right now is Surgical Technology and Respiratory Therapist and they're both only 18 months! Respiratory Therapy is available before the end of the month because it's so in need right now. From what I am seeing is, of course it's someone who is a specialist of the lungs but also provides different breathing therapies, performs trachs, monitors breathing, etc. The career advisor there said it can START at $31 per hour! I know they're super needed right now because of the 'vid and I'm sure the risk involved and the demand needed is what makes it so important. I'm not shutting out the idea, but once I started looking into surgical technology I was more than excited.

First off- let me mention the starting date would be 9/28... the day I graduated and also was honorably discharged (2009/2013) from the Navy!

I have always been interested in human anatomy, I even had human anatomy books when I was younger just because I was fascinated with the human body and was always curious about the medical field. Not only does it sing to my heart when it comes to being the one who organizes and cleans everything up, but I would get to work with a team and actually be assisting in surgeries! I talk about a combination of things that I am good and love doing- hands on, working with people, helping people!! Even looking at the jobs I've done... they've prepared me for this-

from breakdown and assembly of equipment when I was in the Navy

to assembling plates at a fast paced restaurant

quick math/being on my feet & constantly on the go when I was a server

People skills/how to adjust to others from when I was a server/manager for retail

I did a tarot reading about this and I have to say I could not have asked for a more personally direct reading in my tarot reading life. I did a 6 card spread which I will put more details of later so I can document this and whomever has gotten this far in the message can check it out too, if they're interested.

I've been watching hours of surgical technology videos. vlogs, etc and I am getting more and more interested in it as I go honestly. It's actually funny how much my job as a cook is going to be relatable to working as a surgical technologist (keeping a station clean and stocked/ portioning and preparing the station/ quickly executing dishes in an orderly fashion/ working fast and helping others in a timely fashion/ being on your feet all day/ doing "dirty work" and getting sweaty/ wearing a mask all day... to name a few)

... in order to make all of this happen... I have to stop smoking weed. I've honestly put off plenty of jobs and consideration of jobs because I couldn't imagine my life without getting high all day...

I act like it's not a problem because I'm not spending significant money on it, it's not negatively affecting my body (besides my lungs...) and I have convinced myself it's good for my anxiety (although my dermotophaghia goes and back and forth from being horrible and then being slight). I'm happy I'm not strung out on coke anymore, I'm happy I'm not doing tons of ketamine, I'm not tripping like I used to, but I am almost constantly nonstop stoned. This makes sense though, it's been a coping thing for me for so long. Now I find myself cooking in a kitchen, something kitchen people are known for and it helps relax you in a rush and makes the shifts smoother of course. But keeping that in mind, besides doing the same 6 dishes nonstop, I can't remember anything else and I know it's because of the weed.

Although I do feel that smoking weed helps me out with my anxiety, I don't think it helps me with my ADHD at all. I can kind of understand why they don't want any of the students smoking because the classes start early as fuck in the morning... and guess who's the biggest self proclaimed anti-morning person...? ME. Okay, the classes start at 8 but the bus takes an hour to get there and I want to be early as well so it's going to be early mornings for me for the time being or at least until I get a car.

Being accountable for this is gonna be ridiculously hard for me...

for one I love to smoke...

for two I don't really know who I am outside of being the stoner chick who likes electronic music after that's been my thing since like 8 years...

for three my boyfriend and my roommate whom I share a small studio apartment with smoke as much weed as me (if not more). I know they both support me, of course, but it's gonna suck smelling it and not being able to partake for school and the forseeable future. It will have to be the major dedication. Will I be able to succeed in school way better without possibly having smoking weed hindering me remembering things? Yes. Do I want to smoke weed/ is it giving me anxiety thinking about quitting smoking? Yea. FML.