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lnr1625 · 5 years

Text

Not Easy To Forget

Character: Bucky Barnes

Prompt: “If I don’t make it out of here, remember I love you”

Warnings: Mentions of death

Summary: Bucky makes a friend while struggling to adjust to modern life, but after a while, he wants to be more.

Word Count: 5.1K

A/N: This is for @hollandroos 15K, congratulations! Also, This isn't heavily edited so I'm incredibly sorry for the grammatical errors.

Bucky wanted to kick a wall when he couldn't find his tie on Saturday morning. He had made sure the night before that he laid his suit, the one Steve had made him get a few weeks back, out on the chair that lay opposite of his bed. The man double, triple checked that every part of the suit was laid out last night before he went to sleep. Yet here he was getting ready in the morning, but with no tie to complete his look. Today was important, he had more crucial things to be worried about than a disappearing tie. So after a look around his room once more, with still no results, he decided to just grab a tie from Steve.

Bucky made his way over to Steve's room knocking first to make sure Steve wasn't there. He quickly moved through the room, grabbing a black tie, right on top before looking in Steve's full body mirror and watched himself as he rather quickly did his tie, making the suit come together. Lucky the practice of tying a tie hasn't changed in the last 70 years and his metal arm had surprisingly nimble fingers. Once Bucky was done with his suit he took one look in the mirror giving himself a once over and flattening his jacket before looking to his face. His hair as tame as he could get it. But his eyes with deep bags under them, stubble still would have been present on his face had today not be enough motivation to do a clean shave. Bucky hadn’t been sleeping well recently, actually, he had not slept well since he had started trying to adjust to the modern world. As Bucky took one final look in the mirror, seemingly debating internally with himself before he headed out the door, locking it on his way out, thankful that his best friend wasn't home to ask him about his whereabouts. Bucky loved Steve with his whole heart, they were as close as family. But Bucky had been having a rather hard time adjusting to the modern world so fast, especially after everything he went through. There were so many changes to have to get used too, from technology to mannerisms and everything in between. Steve, was nothing but supportive through the whole thing, concerned for Bucky's wellbeing and mental state. This could get a little annoying, being treated like a broken toy, despite Steven well-meaning intentions. So sometimes Bucky would need to get away. Think on his own. Walking was always a good way to do that. So walking tended to be a regular thing for him. Multiple times a day, some days. Especially at the beginning. And walking is where he met her. Y/N. Bucky had met the girl only a couple months after Bucky had regained his memory and started living with Steve. At the time Bucky was not doing much else than just learning how to adjust, no boxing, no work, no travel. He had to go to a therapy session every week with a S.H.I.E.L.D therapist that got him nowhere. Early on in this process walks were constant. A handful every day to escape all the information that was being shoved on him so fast. Walks were a good way to take in nature. Something that hadn’t changed very much in the last 100 years, other than the fact there was just less of it in the world, which was an upsetting realization. However, there was still plenty to take in on the outside world as well as nature, Taller buildings, faster cars, New, more revealing clothes. He was never bored on his walks. Bucky had in deep thought about these things on the day he met Y/N and didn't seem to realize that his wallet fell out of his jacket pocket. Bucky assumed that she had seen it drop and, was a decent human being because she stopped him to give it back to him. “Excuse me, Sir, you dropped this” She called to him. Taking the soldier out of his thoughts and turn around to see where the voice was coming from. She came up to him and gave him back his wallet which he thanked her for doing. Bucky had assumed that was going to be the end of the conversation and so he turned to walk away. But he barely made a step before she had other ideas, and to this day Bucky was very glad she did. “Are you new here?” She asked, In a semi-quiet voice, as if she didn't mean for the words to come out. Bucky was surprised. With his intimidating demeanor, single friend, and lack of knowledge of the current world Bucky didn't exactly get the chance to work on his small talk. But here, was a woman, willing to talk to him, who knew nothing about him, a person wouldn't treat him like a bomb that's about to explode. Normal conversation was something Bucky desperately wanted for once. So after some internal debate eventually, he convinced himself that talking to this random girl might be good for him. “Yeah, you could say that” He shrugged. With a hollow laugh. He watched her face as a small smile of excitement grew. Making Bucky's chest well. A feeling he hadn't felt in a long time. Suddenly he wanted to keep talking to her, he wanted to know what else would make her get excited. “I've lived here my whole life, so if you wanted I could show you some good spots to go when you wanna be alone… Unless that's creepy… then I'll just shut up and keep walking” she spoke going beat red in the face and rubbing the back of her neck. No longer making eye contact with the man. Bucky could tell that this girl didn't have a habit of talking to strangers and so he couldn't help but wonder, what about him made him approachable? But despite his question, he appreciated that she was also nervous to be talking and so he tried his best to calm her down. “That sounds like a pretty good deal to me. What would I owe you?” He asked with a small smirk, confidence growing in him as he remembered how back before the war he was rather good with girls. Her eyes lifted to meet his, the embarrassment that once filled them, started to go away and was instead replaced with shock and eagerness. “Just good conversation” She smiled at him. And that's how it started. Bucky and Y/N’s relationship, and from that day their relationship quickly grew. They met up a few days later and went on a rather long walk with her pointing out different landmarks, both famous ones and other ones that just meant something to her. She asked him questions and he would keep his answers vague, not wanting to unload his heavy baggage on her and scaring her away, as he enjoyed her company way more than he was willing to admit. In return, Bucky would ask her questions and she was usually much more detailed with her answers, oftentimes rambling too long, caught up in a memory or other, and then apologizing. But Bucky didn't mind when she talked, he liked that she was willing to talk because he was a rather quiet person, especially since his years of brainwash. Apparently, she enjoyed his company as well because when the walk was over she quickly blurted out that she'd like to do it again. And so for weeks every Saturday, they’d meet, walk, and talk. He found out that she works as a Chemistry teacher at Midtown School of Science and Technology. She has two older brothers and a younger sister. She loves watching movies and traveling with her family and friends. He found out more than he ever thought he would but never once was he bothered by her. After weeks of there Saturday walks, she asked him if he would want to go get lunch with her. It was at that lunch they exchanged numbers, Bucky kept it to himself that she was now the second number in the phone and probably going to be the only other number in the phone, ever, but he was okay with that.

Months of walks had ensued, only ever being canceled for rain, and if that was the case then the two would meet up for dinner or another indoor activity. He hadn't felt, what he was feeling for Y/N in seventy years, and it wasn't a feeling Bucky thought he was gonna ever be capable of feeling again. But here it was, the warm feeling in his chest every time she smiled. The smile that grew on his face out of pure joy every time she laughed. Wanting to be around her all the time. To protect her, despite the fact that she lived about the safest life that he had seen. The need to keep her happy. Seeing her only once a week grew to be hard. It didn't help that Bucky never told Steve about Y/N and so he couldn't talk about this amazing girl, his feelings toward her to anyone, and it was killer, however, he reminded himself that the reason he kept his relationship with the girl a secret because he wanted one singular part of his life to himself, he didn't want Steve to worry about a relationship that might not even last. Bucky assumed that Steve had his suspicions about why Bucky would leave and come back in a rather happier mood than when he left. But Bucky respected that Steve never dug too deep into it. Without realizing it, Y/N also did a great deal with helping Bucky adjust better to modern life, never making fun of him for not knowing something. He could listen to her for hours rant about some new science article she was reading, or a lab she had planned for her AP Chem class. Even if Bucky didn't really know what she was talking about he loved to hear the passion in her voice and would urge her to keep going even if she felt she was boring him. One week, he remembered, was bad. He was getting frustrated, with Steve but couldn't say anything because he knew Steve was just trying to help. So without being mean, he said he was going out. But as soon as he was out of the apartment he called up Y/N asking if they could meet up. Needing to talk to someone about trivial things. That was the first time he had been to her apartment and learned that she wasn’t the best cook, but she liked to bake. It wasn’t very long after that when Bucky thought he was going to lose her. When he grew up enough courage to tell her who he was. He had decided that he had strong feelings for the girl and didn’t want, whatever it is that they had to be ruined later by her running scared of him and his past. However, when he came clean, told her about himself. It was as if he hadn't just revealed one of the biggest secrets in the world to her. All Y/N did was shrug and claim that she ‘Kinda knew’. Which left Bucky almost dumbfounded. “Wait, what?” Has asked shocked that she had responded so casually. “Buck, you have a metal arm, that’s hard to miss if you think I didn't notice that at some point, despite your constant attempts to hide it, then you must think I'm dense. You keep Your answers rather short, you don't know a whole lot about how society works….” She smiled. Taking a pause and rubbing her hands together nervously, as if she wasn't sure if she had crossed a line or not as Bucky was not exactly the easiest person to read. But she couldn't seem to stop herself from finishing her thoughts.

“Plus, I saw your face a few months back in the Captain America exhibit in the Smithsonian, and your face isn't easy to forget” Bucky had wanted to be offended by her explanation, but he couldn't be. He had honestly more relieved that she wasn't attempting to leave or ‘ghost’ him (A term he had learned the previous week from Y/N) He should have realized that he couldn't hide the obvious stuff from her like his arm, or his museum presence. A small part of the back of his mind at the time was a little concerned that his story was in an exhibit, but that was a concern for a different day. At the moment he was more focused on Y/N. He looked at her curiously. He used to be a Russian assassin, who's killed more people than he even knew. He was brainwashed and a danger to society according to, well everyone, why wasn’t she running scared? Or did she not know about that specific part of him? “You’ve never said anything” He eventually came up with, not knowing where to take the conversation from there. “I figured you’d tell me when you're comfortable. I’m not one to need immediate answers, we all go through stuff, you, way more than most. I’m not gonna bring up stuff that you don’t want to talk about” She explained, looking at him straight in the eyes so he could see how serious she was. Her explanation put a smile on his face at how innocently sweet she was. He couldn't help but wonder if she was like this around everyone or just him? “You’re not terrified of me?” He asked. Smile dropping. “Terrified? What reason have you given me to be terrified?” She asked, seemingly genuinely confused at Bucky's questions “Everything I’ve done” he responded, tearing his eyes away from hers in embarrassment. Someone like him, should not be with her. She deserved better than a monster like him. “I don’t know that side of you Buck, I got to know you before I figured out your super side. And what I got to know was this kind, sweet and caring man. To me, that's what you are, nothing else, until you show me something else.” He didn’t think it was possible but everything he felt towards the women had grown tenfold. So on that days walk, for the first time, Bucky did most of the talking. Indulging into his life story. Skipping over the parts he didn’t want to talk about. Y/N not seeming to mind at all. He started off with his childhood. Basically anything pre-war. The good stuff. Many of it memories Bucky had stopped himself from thinking about since he got them back. She invited him over for dinner. And Buck continued talking into the late hours of the night. He talked until Y/N fell asleep on her couch. She was the first person that Buck told almost everything too. More than he told SHIELD, more than he told the other Avengers. The only person who knew as much as Y/N now was Steve. The two had had their friendship for 6 months when Bucky finally decided that he couldn’t ignore these feelings any longer. He was going to ask her on a date. An official date. They were on there Saturday walk and at the end is when he had built up the courage to ask her. “Hey, Y/N… I was wondering if you'd wanna go on a date...with me tomorrow night?” He asked. “A date? Haven't we been on dates?” She asked-head cocked to the side. “No, I mean an official date where I ask you, and pick you up while being fancily dressed and we go to dinner and then another activity” He tried again, still with confidence in his voice. “Why the formal asking?” She blushed, giving Bucky the sign that maybe she had similar feelings that he did. “Because I enjoy being around you. You’ve helped me in more than I could even fathom and over these six months, I've had feelings, that I never thought I was going to get to feel again. I’ve decided that I want to act on those feelings and for you and me to have a real relationship. And I don’t know how these things have changed in the last 70 years but usually, a date is the first step in that direction” He rambled, trying to sum up all the reasons he wanted to date her, call her his girlfriend. There was a single beat of silence, enough to think that maybe she was going to turn him down. “I would love to go on a real date with you Bucky. But I have a single request” she giggled. Bucky wanted to jump up and down in excitement like a little kid. His heart swelled and all he wanted to do was pick up the girl and spin her in a circle. But instead, he contained himself and nodded his head, telling her to go ahead with her request. “We have to set the date after I get back from this weekend” “Where are you going this weekend?” He had been waiting months for a real date, he didn't mind pushing it back a few more days and he hoped that his question did not come off as angry. “I have to go give a speech at a conference,” she said in an annoying tone while rolling her eyes. “How’d you get dragged into that?” He chuckled at her reaction, she wasn't normally one to get annoyed about anything, so this was rather foreign for him. “Apparently it’s ‘highly recommend’ when you have the best AP Chem scores in the state. It makes the school look good...I act annoyed but honestly I don’t really mind” she shrugged as she shoved her hands in her pockets. “Well that sounds thrilling” the sarcastic words left his mouth. Causing the girl to lightly slap his real arm. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s the most dangerous thing a person like me could do.” She spoke with a sense of fake seriousness in her voice. “I bet. Not like you’re talking to a person who’s been on more life-threatening missions then you could imagine” Bucky smiled enjoying the girl's enthusiasm and the fact that he was getting to the point where he could openly and jokingly talk about his past. “How dare you mock my dangerous task. You don’t know what I’ll be facing.” She claimed in a dramatic voice as if she was going on a secret mission. Bucky opened his mouth to give another sarcastic response but was cut off. “No, don’t speak…. Bucky, if I don’t make it out of there. Remember I love you” she joked with him. Bucky knew the words were only friendly but he couldn’t stop the warm feeling that filled his chest. That was the last real thing she has said to him, other than the goodbyes before she left for her conference. The last conversation the two had shared. The last conversation the two were ever going to share. As Bucky straightens his tie. He wiped away the tears in his eyes. Took a deep breath thinking about there last conversation. A conversation he could no longer find amusing as those last words were filled with unknown irony. Bucky looked at the little sheet of paper in his hand checking to make sure the address was right. RIVERSIDE BAPTIST CHURCH. He knew he was in the right place as he watched the numerous amounts of people walk into the building, all in black tie dress. Bucky couldn't help but let out a little chuckle at the venue. Bucky knew through there time spent together that Y/N wasn't particularly religious despite the fact that her family was. He couldn't help but think she wouldn't like this. All the attention is on her, especially in a church setting. As he walked inside and saw the setup. The picture, the flowers, the casket. His body had physically stopped moving, he fought back the tears that wanted to come out. It really had happened, sure he heard about, and read about it, cried about it. He thought he had accepted what happened, but being here. Seeing what was in front of him. It all became real, there was no way to convince himself otherwise. It made him want to vomit. It had been a car accident. On the way home from her conference, her uber had slid on some ice and flipped killing both the driver and Y/N. Bucky only found out about it because of the local news. The funeral had been mentioned in the newspaper and Bucky knew he had to go. Even if he wouldn't know anyone else or get to speak about how much she meant to him. If there were even words to do so. He had to go to make sure it was real. So here he was, looking at the casket of the girl whom he loved. The girl who meant everything to him. Now she was gone, and for the first time since he found out, Bucky realized that he really wasn't okay, the more real it started to feel, the more he wanted to leave. She was his rock that kept him tied down. What was he supposed to do now without her here? Bucky, forced himself to look anywhere but her. First for a seat, which he decided should be in the back of the church as he figured there were probably more important people that wanted to sit up close. Then he forced his eyes to look at the people who came to mourn Y/N. Bucky didn't know what to expect, she was the perfect person, why wouldn't there be a million people at her funeral? But yet the copious amounts of people that had shown up still really threw Bucky for a loop. Young kids, a lot of teenagers, who Bucky assumed were Y/N students and by the sounds of it even some of the more troublesome kids had shown up for the teacher. Adults her age, older adults, senior citizens. Bucky then set the task to try and figure out who her family was before the funeral started. The ceremony was nice. Y/N was talked about and celebrated, as she should have been. Lots of people gave speeches talking about her many accomplishments and community service. Bucky almost fell out of place, like he shouldn't be there. Sure he knew a ton about her. But no one knew about them, no one knew who he was. Bucky was never around for the important parts of her life. Sure he had heard about them, but he was never around for them. He wanted to be though. He wanted to be her significant other and meet her family, and be an important person in her life. He even had a plan to do so. But apparently, the two weren't meant to be as Y/N lay dead in a casket not 30 feet away from where the soldier sat. Once the ceremony was over everyone shuffled out of the church, ready to walk to the cemetery where Y/N would be buried. The only sounds were the shuffling of people and murmured voices as they made there way out of the church. Bucky waiting until closer to the end. He kept waiting for anyone to ask who he was, but it seemed that no one even gave him a second glance. Other than one of the teenagers who stood behind the pack of his classmates. Short with brown hair, couldn't be older than 15. He was standing with what seemed to be a friend. But as they carried on there conversation and walked past Bucky, the kid gave a second glance to the super soldier, as if the kid knew who Bucky was. But quickly the kid turned back and walked out of the building. As they all stood around the grave, Bucky near the back again, some more people spoke as before the casket was closed, Bucky decided not to look, he couldn't. He didn't want his beautiful memory of her to be tarnished by what she looked like dead. As she was lowered into the ground Bucky could no longer hold back his tears. The only person he thought he would ever care for, was dead, leaving him alone in this world, again. Why did this keep happening to him? The process of getting her buried was tedious, it felt like a lifetime. He knew it was selfish but he was waiting for everyone to leave so he could be alone with her like they always had been. Eventually, little by little, everyone trickled away, most of them to go to the reception, a few stayed to speak to the woman's grave. Bucky kept his distance, not wanting to seem out of place. Finally, there was just two left. Bucky, and the kid that caught his eye earlier. The kid wasn't talking to her grave, he was just staring with wet eyes. Bucky decided it was okay to finally walk up to the burial site. Next to the kid, but a safe distance away. “Was she a good teacher?” He asked the kid in a quiet voice. “The absolute best, you couldn't find anyone better” He immediately responded. “Are you just saying that because she's gone?” Bucky asked, hoping the kid didn't mind his bluntness. The kid didn't seem too. “No, Obviously you knew her. Do you think she would be a bad teacher?” He shot back. This question threw Bucky off, but not in a bad way. He appreciated the boy's wit. With a small smirk, he responded back. “No, I think she would have been a great teacher.” “She cared about us. Checked in on us. Would give the best, most inspiring speeches you've ever heard. You couldn't pay attention to her you know? She was passionate about what she taught, and have you ever taken chemistry? It's not something that easy to get passionate about. But on top of that, she took the time to learn ways to get all of us passionate about the subject. I've known her a long time and of all the people in the world. She definitely didn't deserve this.” The boy spoke, tears escaping his eyes. Even Bucky could tell that Y/N was more than just a teacher to him. Bucky loved that Y/N affected all these people in such a good way. It wasn't just him, apparently, she was like this with everyone, and he was beyond glad because it means everyone got to see the best parts of her. Bucky just nodded his head. Not a word needed to be spoken between them, just mutual understanding as both their eyes stayed glued to the grave. “How did you know her?” The kid spoke, as he seemed to get through his processing, his eyes glancing up to the soldier, but not without taking a second glance at where his metal arm would be, had it not been covered by a coat and hand in the coat pocket. Bucky brushed the look off, telling himself it was just coincidence. “She was a... “ He started to say but stopped when he couldn't find the right words. There was no one word to describe who Y/N was to Bucky. She was his everything, but he knew he couldn't use that word. He wanted to say girlfriend, but that would have been inaccurate. “She was a really good friend” He settled on, wanting to cringe as he knew that description wasn't correct. The kid nodded. Eyes trailing back to the grave one more time. “Well, I've seen you waiting for a long time, I assume to be alone with her, so I'll go talk to my uncle and leave you two alone,” The boy said before turning and walking away from the grave. Bucky turned his head slightly to watch the kid walk away, confused about what he meant by talking to his uncle, there was no one else around. but as soon as he was out of hearing distance, Bucky forgot about the kid completely before turning back to Y/N. He stood in silence, just staring for the longest time, not knowing what to say. “You know, out of all the scenarios I ran through in my head about how we could have played out... Us dating, maybe getting married, breaking up, you run like hell after you found out the truth about me… Even the possibility of me dying came up. But out of everything, I sat in bed and thought about at night, you dying on me, was never one of them because you lived such a safe life. I'm sorry this happened. If I could trade us out, I would in a heartbeat, you deserved better. So, so much better. I'm sorry…. I'm so so sorry” When the words stopped pouring out of his mouth. Bucky then realized he was crying as the tears slipped down his cheeks and suddenly it became incredibly hard to breathe. Within a few seconds, he was sobbing on his knees, hand covering his mouth. Unable to keep anything in any longer. Finally accepting the fact that she was gone. Those were the only words he spoke too her. Yet, he stayed by her grave for hours on end. Trying so hard to come to terms with what happened crying stopping for only a few minutes, before starting up again in a never-ending cycle. It was when day turned to night, and the temperature dropped to below freezing, did Bucky even consider leaving. Even then it took him another few hours to even move. Eyes glued on the flowers stacked high on the pile of dirt that covered the women who held his heart. Only when Steve had called him, did he decide to actually go, taking everything he had to look away from the gravestone, and walk away from his love and head back home? No looking up, not feeling anything. He stood outside his and Steve's apartment door for minutes, not ready to face a million questions that Steve was gonna ask him out of concern. Eventually, he decided that he had to go in at some point and so his ripped off the band-aid and walked in. “Where have you been all day?” Steve asked from the couch. “What are you an overprotective parent?” Bucky smiled at his best friend. This caused Steve to break his concerned look, instead of giving Bucky a smile that took him back to the 1940s. When times were simpler. “I just get worried is all” He admitted throwing his hands in the air. “I'm good… I was… Just visiting an old friends grave” Bucky confessed to Steve. Memories of the girl, and what had happened to flood back into him. Causing him to let out a heavy sigh. Bucky watched as Steves' face fell again. Memories of his own flooding into his eyes. There was a silence in the air as the two were trapped in their own thoughts for a while. Bucky getting changed and joining Steve on the couch. Head threw up to the ceiling. “Hey, do you wanna bring me to the gym with you this week?” Bucky asks out suddenly. “The gym, I thought you were done with all that,” Steve said giving a questioning glance to his best friend. “I thought I wanted to be, but I need something to occupy my times, and I think I'm done with walks for a while… There's nothing there for me anymore.”

#sophs15k #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #MCU #captain america #bucky imagine #writing challenge

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