#i'm not being like 'ooh tumblr user kinnbig makes a statement!'

[kinnbig]

I haven't really been posting about the Build & Poi situation for my own sanity, but I do want to talk, quickly, about a couple of things.

I’m posting this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because despite having said very, very little about this whole thing, I know that I've been marked as an "anti" and added to blocklists of people who are supposedly “hostile”; not just towards Build but also towards other people on this site who they disagree with; and I wanted to clear that up a bit. Secondly, because when Poi first spoke up I made a few posts talking about it, but I’ve been relatively quiet since. I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve ‘gone silent’ on the issue now. 

I’m not a particularly big blog. I don’t have a huge number of followers. But the number of anons I’ve received about this situation and the things I’ve heard are being said about me are unprecedented and honestly really overwhelming, and so I just wanted to make sure I’d said what I wanted to say.

Firstly, regardless of my opinion on Build - I want to emphasise that I have never been hostile or aggressive towards anyone else in regards to this situation (or at all!). I haven't been involved in hate campaigns, in spreading misinformation, or in targeting or gossiping about or sending hate to "pro-Build" accounts or to Build himself.

When Poi first spoke up, I expressed disagreement with those whose initial reaction was to immediately jump to Build's defence and accuse her of lying. I posted that Poi deserved to be believed, regardless of anyone's individual dislike of her as a person. I also mentioned that I thought responses of "I told you so" from people who had always disliked Build were unhelpful.

I have never said anything about people who chose to refrain from making judgement, who wanted to wait for more information, or who didn't have anything to say at all. 

Although I had my personal views, I also had nothing but sympathy and understanding for people who couldn't or didn't want to make judgments right away. I had been a big fan of Build's, but I had never been a 'stan', and I completely recognised how much more painful and emotional it must have been for those who were bigger fans than I was.

My only “disagreement” was with those responding to a woman accusing a man they liked of abuse by attacking her, and with those who responded almost gleefully to abuse allegations because they proved them right (though again, I didn't reference or argue with or mention any individuals in either case).

But I know that this has been enough to have me considered a "hostile Build anti". I know that there are many different blocklists circulating, and multiple different accounts and group chats and servers where people are talking about and being nasty about me and the other people on these lists.

I don’t want to get into this too much (lest I actually earn my label as hostile!), but it’s frankly terrifying that all it took for me to be branded as aggressive was posting that I believed Poi and that I disagreed with people attacking her. I was horrified that people would immediately jump to defend a man accused of abuse (not just saying they were waiting for more information, but defending him and immediately insisting the accusations must be lies), and the idea that this was considered some kind of radical stance for me to take is just… disgusting, honestly. 

It really, really upset me. Even if rationally, I’m aware that of all the blocklists to be on, the "didn't immediately jump to the defence of a man accused of abuse" blocklists are probably some of the better ones - it’s really fucked with me to see so many people in this fandom, including people I cared about and considered friends, responding in this way. 

It’s also very frustrating to know that a lot of the blogs publicly purporting themselves as “neutral” are very much not neutral, and are involved in spreading this “anyone who believed Poi is a radical, aggressive Build anti” narrative. 

I’m not singling out any individual person or blocklist or anything here. I’ve heard about many. But since I know these lists and conversations exist, but not exactly what is being said and to whom, I did just want to clarify that.

Secondly, I’m seeing a lot of passive aggressive “the antis are being incredibly silent about this…” or “where are all the highly moral justice seeking kp fans now?!” posts, and so no one can accuse me of suddenly going silent about this, I also wanted to mention my actual current position on this situation.

I am still not supporting Build.

I want to be clear, though, that I am not "pro-Poi". I have never been a fan of hers, and so she has never been able to "lose" my support.

I don't know if she was also toxic, if she said or did XYZ, if this piece of this phone-call proves this or that. I don't know! Nobody outside the situation does!

But unless there is some kind of irrefutable proof that the text message screenshots Poi posted - where she sent Build photos of her bruises, Build told her he didn't regret giving her them, and that he wanted to kill her - are 100% fabricated, then I cannot and will not support him.

Regardless of whether or not Poi was also a bad person.

Additionally, even in the (incredibly unlikely, imo) event that these messages turn out to have been fabricated, I would stand by my initial response to the situation. I will not apologise for believing someone who speaks about abuse, and for disagreeing with the people that immediately accused her of lying. 

Because even if in this case it turns out to not be the truth - the next time someone comes forward about a celebrity, it will be. And the next time. And the next time. There will always be devoted stans of celebrities determined to pick apart women’s stories and insist that they’re lying - and 99% of the time, they will be attacking a victim to defend someone violent. 

Finally - I’m sad. I don’t know how else to say this. I’m really, really sad about this whole situation. This whole thing has been incredibly emotionally exhausting. Hearing about it is painful, talking about it is painful, it’s all fucking awful and I’m a mess, honestly. It’s a horrific situation in itself, and then on top of it all I’m devastated about losing friends over it, losing a community over it. 

I know that I can come across quite detached (I’m sure this post reads like an essay rather than a text post on tumblr.com) but it’s my way of coping with it and feeling in control about what I say and how I express my emotions. It doesn’t mean I’m actually clinically distant or cold or not emotional or anything. I just don’t know how else to talk about it.

And I am happy to talk about it - but I’m not going to respond to anons about this situation anymore. If you want to talk about this, please feel free to DM me or send me an ask off-anon. But this isn’t something I can talk about with people who aren’t willing to put their names to what they’re saying.

I hope that makes sense.