#i'm putting this under a read more because it ended up being wayyyyyy longer than expected lol

[constellationclarke]

Lmao ignore me (if the read more doesn’t work on mobile I’m sorry ya’ll can scroll past this I’m just venting to myself so I don’t go crazy)

Shoutout to my mum and her need to manipulate interactions to make me look bad or embarrassed or like a bitch so she can, what? Have moral superiority?? Oh and then act like nothing is wrong and continuing joking and so trying to further manipulate things by acting like I’m the bad guy or there’s something wrong with me bc I’m no longer happy obviously for being treated like that but to her I’m “moody” or a bitch or “never in a good mood” or “can never take a joke”. I’m so sick of it

Moments ago she came into my room looking for something and while she was here we started joking about something, something really mundane like it was to do with some clothes and shoeboxes like that’s how irrelevant it was and we were both laughing and I was mid laugh when she just comes out with “this isn’t funny my aunt is dying” and I’m just ??? She hadn’t mentioned it at. all. and she just interrupted me, in the midst of our laughter over a joke she actually started to say that and I was stunned and silent because I was so blindsided I didn’t know how to react and then I eventually ask which aunt and if I’d met her and which cousin she’s the mother of and she tells me and then I ask what happened and mum says it’s cancer and then like. Straight after saying that she goes right back into joking and then leaves and I’m just sat here completely stunned. And it’s not the first time she’s done this, she does it all the time. We’ll be joking around and she’ll tease me and it’s fine but as soon as I start I’m disrespectful and need to be serious and ‘this isn’t the time for joking’ or ‘who do you think you are to speak to me that way’ and she’ll just completely ruin the mood just to prove her authority over me and then as soon as she’s done she’ll start joking with me again but it’s always insulting me in a lowkey way and then she’ll be ‘confused’ when I’m all of a sudden not joking back and basically call me a bitch and it’s always been this way

Like as a teenager, whenever I’d have friends over and we would just be chilling quietly in my room she would come in and start berating me for something I apparently did that was wrong and it was all a complete sham because she would do it in english whereas if there really was a problem she would speak to me in portuguese but no, she would find some tiny insignificant thing and go all ‘stern disciplinarian mum mode’ just to, what? Prove to my 13yr old friend “oh look at me disciplining my child and embarrassing her in front of her friends and ruining her evening by intruding on a moment I wasn’t even a part of just to assert my dominance, I’m such a good mother!”

Or the time when I was young and was horrified at the fact that people ate rabbits and so I vehemently refused to eat rabbit meat because it upset me so much and when I was like 10 or roundabouts and we were having a big family dinner and all my aunts and uncles and cousins were there and I was told that for dinner we were having chicken and I had no reason to suspect otherwise and the meat in the pan looked like chicken, not that I paid that much attention to it, so I was having a good time chatting and laughing with my cousins and I didn’t understand why they gave me strange looks when I wanted a second serving and asked them to pass me the chicken but they did and we carried on being kids and dinner went on and then it was over and a few moments later from the ‘grown up’ end of the table mum calls my name so I look over to see what she wants and they’re all looking at me and she’s smirking and asks what I thought of the food and I’m confused but I assume she means because my aunt cooked or something idk so I say it was great and the adults all burst out laughing and she reveals to me it was rabbit and she had got all the adults to lie to me and tell me it wasn’t chicken because she knew I was against eating rabbit so she just. Completely and utterly humiliated me in front of our entire family and lied to me and deceived me into doing something she knew I wasn’t comfortable with and now everybody was laughing and making fun of me and I just had to sit there and take it while trying really hard not to cry or react in any way because I knew that if I did have any sort of negative reaction I would just be further humiliated or punished for it. The other day she brought it up while we were in public and was like ‘haha wasn’t this so funny’ but she’s been treating me like shit all my life and I guess she just thought that I’d always continue to put up with it so boy the look of pure shock on her face when I clearly wasn’t amused and very bluntly said “that’s not funny at all. You humiliated me in front of the entire family and you lied to me. You should be ashamed” was amazing, she literally was speechless for a moment as I continued to calmly eat my lunch and let her and my dad stew in the awkward silence until she hastily cleared her throat and tried changing the subject

And how about how she is very affectionate which I’m always told I should be thankful for that she enjoys showing her love but I’m not because she completely disregards my boundaries (to the point that it’s something that makes me so angry that if I ever have kids I’ve sworn to myself that I’m going to teach them about consent from a young age and that absolutely no one, no matter who they are, family or not, can touch them if they don’t feel comfortable and have every right to say so!!) My mum would like to launch kiss attacks and would end up tackling me and pinning me down because I would say no and try to get away from her so she would do that, thinking it’s all a big joke, and even though she would make me laugh by tickling me, I would not at all be comfortable with it and would actually feel trapped and panicking but I just tried to stay calm despite my gut reaction being to push her off me or kick or do whatever I could to get away but I knew if I did I would be in so much trouble so I would just try to squirm away but accidents happen and sometimes in the midst of the play fighting I’d accidentally hit her or something and she would completely flip out and yell at me and tell me off for being “so mean and cruel and nasty and a horrible person” and punish me. And one time we were joking around because she snatched my phone away in return for affection and I was trying to get it back and also get away from her and she accidentally ended up dropping it and hitting me but then told me not to overreact and at that point it had been like 17/18 years of this and I’d had enough and lost my patience and was upset and no longer in the mood to put up with it and I was emotional but managed to calmly call her out and say that even though I recognised what just happened was an accident and she didn’t mean it, it was unfair that she forces me into situations where I feel uncomfortable and I’ll accidentally hurt her and she’ll get mad but when she does it to me and even almost damages my stuff there’s no problem and I was visibly upset but she didn’t care and just said “no. your phone is fine and you can have it back but I did this by accident but when you hit and hurt me you do it on purpose because you’re mean” which is rich coming from a woman who thinks it’s okay to slap a child if they misbehave and she never apologised and the next day acted like nothing had happened except to ask me if I’d “calmed down yet” and then continued on pushing for affection

Ooo and what about the time on my 18th birthday, you know, a day people get really excited for and everyone views as special? And instead I went to school and was treated like crap and ignored the whole day by my so-called friends for absolutely no reason to the point where I was on the verge of tears at the end of the day and was so emotionally exhausted coming home that I fell asleep for hours. I was vaguely aware of mum coming home and talking to me but I was so tired I asked if we could talk later and she was absolutely fine and understanding and let me sleep (also important to note that during the night one of her uni assignment results had been published but we’ll get back to this in a second) and then I was woken up for dinner and as I come downstairs dad hands me the phone because my uncle and aunt want to say happy birthday and we don’t have a good relationship with them because they’re not good people and have done some shitty stuff to use but I was tired and didn’t want to start trouble and cause fights by refusing to talk to them so I relented and it was just a quick 30 second conversation and even though they’re horrible at least calling me to say happy birthday was a good action right? Apparently I was wrong and a bitch talking to them because when I hang up the phone and go to the kitchen to eat, all of a sudden mum was cold towards me and only spoke to me if it was necessary in clipped short sentences like to answer my question of what was for dinner or to ask me to pass something and she wouldn’t even look at me and I was so confused and things just got worse because dad was so oblivious and because we were silent he got distracted by the news on tv and absorbed in it so dinner was spent in practically total silence and mum finished eating quickly and jumped up immediately to start washing up rather than spend another second at the table with me, ya know, her daughter on her birthday, and then dad also finished before me and got up to do something so . I was eating alone and all I could think about was the shitty day I’d had to the point where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack and ended up bursting into tears over my plate and dad was obviously worried and now I was sobbing that my day had been absolutely horrible and I felt like shit and now on top of it mum was mad at me and won’t even talk to me and I was just breaking down and she just sighed and denied being mad at me and they calmed me down and I went up to bed to rest and later mum came to talk to me and she admitted she was mad at me for speaking to my aunt n uncle and I countered by calmly saying “yeah they’re dicks but at least they called me instead of ignoring me and were nice and I’d already had such a shit day on a day that is supposed to be my day and I was exhausted and didn’t want to cause a fight” and she said “well it’s not just all about you you know, today is about me too since I have birth to you and you didn’t even think of me, I get home and you’re just asleep and when I went to talk to you you didn’t even ask me what grade I got in that assignment when I’d told you the grades were coming out today!” And I was just so shocked into silence and in the end I ended up apologising to her

Let’s not forget the time the night before my english lit A-level, you know, the most important exam to me since at that time I had applied to study english lit at uni and this grade was important, and she and dad had been fighting over something and then that night they’re having a massive screaming match over the phone because he was in Portugal and this is all while I’m trying to study and they’re shouting things at one another and having the worst fight that I’ve ever heard them have, to the point where I genuinely thought they were going to get divorced, that’s how awful it was, and then they start arguing over fucking phone calls and dad is insisting one thing and mum is insisting the other and it was about one night dad talking to me on the phone so they fucking drag me into the argument to clear things up aka say who’s right and who’s wrong and effectively pick a side but it turns out they were both kind of wrong about the situation and I stay neutral and clear things up but that actually makes it worse and I guess mum was expecting me to be on her side and she continues screaming at my dad and then actually starts screaming at me saying I just make things worse and that I’m a liar despite the fact that they’re the ones that dragged their own child into fight just to use me against each other and that I actually had proof to back up what I said!! But no, this is irrelevant and she says I’m a liar and a bad person because I’m purposefully making things worse and I’m not siding with her and she’s genuinely screaming at me and I have enough and basically tell her that she can fuck off dragging me into an argument and trying to use me and that she has no consideration for me and my feelings and the fact that I have a fucking exam the next morning and now have to deal with this shit and I just go back to my room and slam the door and I hear her slam hers and I just end up crying for ages instead of studying because I can’t focus on studying anymore and things seem like they’re falling apart and after a couple of hours she comes to me with a fake ass apology that doesn’t even really apologise for what happened

Oh and after she came to ‘apologise’, she tried to have this big deep talk with me and during the talk I told her that I don’t like it when she calls me stupid because it’s something that she and my dad did that really fucked me up as a kid and now I can’t handle being called it by them and I just tell her I don’t like it and she promises not to do it anymore and guess fucking what. Now she manipulates me with it where instead of just outright calling me stupid she’ll joke ���don’t make me call you that word you don’t want me to call you” to get me to do something, like. Is it really that hard to just be a decent fucking human being? And after that fight, because it was so big and they had genuinely screamed stuff at each other about splitting up, naturally there was a moment where I was scared they were going to get divorced or something and during that big ‘deep’ talk after the fight she told me I was “silly” to think that and every now and then if she and dad are having a slight disagreement about something she likes to mock me and say “yeah are you still scared mummy and daddy are getting a divorce” and it’s like. no matter what I say I’m never respected and I’m just mocked and belittled and disrespected and humiliated at every chance so she can prove her superiority and I’m so tired and I wish I could say it was just these things that happen but there have been so many more instances and other things that she’s done to me and I’m genuinely just tired. I’m tired of feeling angry. I’m tired of being treated the way I’m treated and god I just wish I could go back to uni so I’m away from home because this really isn’t good for my mental health