#i would just delete it but god i really needed to vent and if i delete it then the negativity will just continue to fester in me

[aliferousdreamer]

haven't been able to stop crying today 🥲

[bloodcoveredgf]

i literally cannot keep living like this

[space-pirate-alex]

Honestly wish I could be put out of my misery

[nyancrimew]

fucked up sorta intoxicated long vent

cw: uuh mental health, drugs, suicide mentions, very much is just an existential crisis put into post form

this is not a suicide note or anything, im about to go cuddle up with my wife and go to sleep i just had to get my fucked up thoughts out, i might delete this tomorrow

meaning

it's so hard to find meaning in life anymore. i live for those around me, for those i love, those who love me back. yet i keep hurting them, everything keeps falling apart. i live out of spite, i cant let authority win. yet im slowly giving up my cause. i live to prove a point. ive long forgotten what point it even is anymore.

there hasnt really been any new compelling reason to keep going in over 10 years now. i honestly wonder how much it even really takes anymore to drive me to suicide. it can't be that much, im already always living on edge.

i just barely know who i even am anymore, ive largely forgotten the first 20 years of my life, and the last 3 are mostly just fog as well. forced to live in the moment, carrying all the baggage of all the previous moments i dont even have memories of anymore.

how are people just like able to keep living, regularly finding joy. how are people able to deal with bad times without immediately pondering all the ways in which they could kill themselves in?

god i need therapy so fucking bad. i keep dragging down everyone around me. how can i fix all the damage ive done, a sorry won't do. how can i fix all the damage done to me, no sorry will ever do.

why are the only options to just keep going, ignoring all the pain, or ending it all forever. where is the restart button, where can i reset, rewind, apply what ive learned to the situations where i fucked up. how do i go back and undo all the trauma. the trauma i experienced myself and the trauma i put on others.

we're all just lost children in a world not made for us. where is our world. where is the place in which we can find solace. your arms make me feel safe, and at home. but i know you feel the same way i do.

it pains me to know we're in this together, god if only i could bear your pain, if only i could bear everyone elses pain. it hurts me to know you feel this way too. no one should have to know how this feels. i wanna take on all the pain in this world so i can leave and turn the world around.

am i just failing at being a part of this society or is society failing me. i am like one bureaucratic fuck up away from dying alone on the street with no roof over my head. i cannot be self dependent, why does this society fully expect such a thing of me.

is this all worth it for the few moments of bliss, for sparing the people around me from the pain of losing me. would the pain of losing me be greater than the pain i cause every day?

i am lost. i dont know anymore. fuck i need therapy. or just anything that can fix me. the drugs certainly haven't yet, but at least i also have dependency to fight with now i guess.

yea fuck man idk

[harrysfluff]

Are you sure?

A/n: Whoa another one?! Crazy! But for real, now that I’m on break I’m just clearing my drafts from the year

Summary: Lost luggage = baby 

TW: sex

“I can’t believe it. Ugh it’s just so annoying, you know?” You pause for a moment. “You know what I can’t do anything about it, it’s fine.” Another pause. “Actually no it’s really frustrating,” you continued to vent. Your hands buckling your seatbelt, as you settled yourself in the car. The dense Italian heat felt heavy against your skin as you fiddled with your hair in an attempt to keep it from sticking to your neck. You crossed your arms, chewing the inside of your cheek. “And you know they’re not gonna call. It’s probably gone forever!” You imagine.

Harry slid in after you pulling you close to his side. “Baby, it’s going to be okay. I know this stuff is irritating but it’s not the end of the world,” Harry soothed, tucking your hair behind your ear. “Lots of people have their bags lost by airlines all the time.”

“I know but it had my clothes in it. Like what am I gonna wear?” You complained. Although his touch was usually comforting, it felt like heavy stones adding more weight on your skin. “I just wanted us to have a nice vacation! Ugh I’m sorry, I’m probably ruining this. I’m sorry, i just... am frustrated,” you said, trying to calm down. You began to rub your face in hard movement an attempt to destress.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Things like this can be frustrating but it’s gonna be alright. We can get you new clothes,” Harry reassured. 

“What about all my makeup?” You whined jutting out your bottom lip slightly.

“I like you better without it.”

“Toiletries?”

“We can get that here too,” Harry laughed. “Babe, everything and anything you could possibly need or want we can get. You don’t have to stress.”

You could feel the weight coming off your body. “Thank you,” you say coming closer into his body. “I’m starting to feel a lot better. I think I’m just tired and feel gross from the flight.” You lean your head on his shoulder. “I just need sleep.”

“Don’t worry we’ll be at the hotel soon,” Harry pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Maybe you can sleep now.” He moved your head, his arm reaching over you pulling you into his side.

“Yeah,” you spoke softly. Your eyes gently closing as the car drove away from the airport.

_

“You spent so much on me. I feel bad,” you uttered, while climbing into bed. You grabbed the hand lotion from your night stand, rubbing the jasmine cream into your hands. Harry laid next to you, his fingers tapping away at emails. You had noticed Harry was more stressed lately yet he never gave a clear reason as to why when you asked him. Hence you thought that an Italian vacation would be relax him but he still seemed tense. It must haven been bigger than an album or a movie deal. “I would have paid, but someone already had gotten it before I did,” you sneered. You turned on your side, watching him type away on his laptop.

Harry had his lips twisted to the side as his fingers would type something then quickly press the delete button then type again. “Sorry what? Oh yeah.” Harry pushed the laptop off his lap turning his body to slightly face you. Inhaling sharp, Harry sat up against the headboard. “I mean I just wanted to take care of it. I knew how stressed you were with it.”

“I know but still I don’t want this to be one sided,” you confessed.

“Hey, it was my treat. Don’t worry about it,” Harry assured shaking his head.

You bit the inside of your cheek, as you processed the thought yet it was quickly disbanded by the a new thought. “Hey, actually I need to tell you something. So apparently, my luggage had my birth control in it. So that’s a bit of a bummer,” you explained. “I mean we could grab some condoms or something, but we need to get them soon. But I worry we can’t read Italian very well and what if we buy the wrong size? Oh god that will be awkward.” 

“Y/n, you know-”

“I mean what is ‘super massive’ in Italian,” you teased, laughing to yourself. 

“Very funny, but no. You know, I’ve been thinking,” Harry readjusted himself. Sliding his body down to your level, his arm coming underneath his head while his other hand came up to lightly traced the skin on your arm. “What if we didn’t use anything.” 

You sat up on your elbows, alerted by his comment. “Wait, what do you mean?” 

“I mean, like what if we didn’t use anything. Like anything at all. No more pills or condoms... just us,” he answered. His eyes stayed staring at his fingers tracing circles. 

“But then we’ll have a baby. Wait are you telling me you want a baby?” You asked knitting your brow.

“I think so, yeah.” Harry took a deep breath, “Yeah I want to have a baby with you,” he admitted. “You know I’ve been thinking for a while that maybe it’s time. I don’t know. I just feel like I’ve been growing my career a lot and I’m happy with it but now it’s time to grow something else. I guess literally,” he chuckled. Harry’s hand left your skin and flew to his eyes rubbing them. “I just want a baby and I want it with you. I’m ready to take a break from everything and really be present with here with you. I think lately I’ve also realized that I’ve maybe stalled us and the family we want to build, so I want to prioritize that now. I’ve already talked to Jeff about slowing things down for a while and I know this seems spontaneous or irresponsible but we’ve been together for 6 years. I’m ready to start something bigger and even more I want to do it with you.”

“Well you know, I want children and I do want a child with you and it makes me feel better that you’re taking a break but Harry we aren’t married,” you argue.  “I know we don’t have to be married to raise a child or anything but still I don’t want to screw something up. Sometimes I feel like we lack that security and it scares me.”

“Yeah I get that. Y/n I would marry you right now if that’s what you wanted, I would do anything for you. I just feel this is what I want right now. This is how I want to start our family.” Harry’s eyes finally met yours. It was evident he was nervous, his eyes darting back and forth, analyzing your face. 

You drew a sharp breath inward. Your heart began to race as scenarios ran through your head each while displaying a lifetime flew by in seconds. “I want this too and if you’re slowing down then maybe I wouldn’t have to give up my work. You could stay with the baby. We would almost be a normal family.” You grinned, your teeth drawing you lip into them. 

Harry smiled back at the agreement. “So you will have a baby with me?” 

“Yeah, I would love to.”

_

This has to be the most awkward sex you had ever had with Harry. There was no denying the sexual chemistry between the two of you and yet all of that seemed to disappear in this moment. Harry laid on top of you, his forearms coming down on each side of your head. His hips moving in slow awkward bursts. “Is that alright?” He kept asking which was always met with an ‘yeah’ from you. 

“I just don’t want to hurt you or anything,” he assured, with a pause in his movements. You were honestly a bit disappointed. This was the man who would tie you up, spank your ass till it was red with his handprint, and even poured wax on you to see you writhe under the heat. Therefore, you frankly had no idea who was on top of you. 

“H, can we stop for a moment?” You say, pushing him gently off of you. 

“Oh shit sorry, am I hurting you? I’m so sorry,” he apologized, pulling himself out of you. 

“No no, it’s not that. I just... I’m not glass, you know like you can be more rough with me. Like you usually are,” you hinted hoping he would act normal. Your hand gently pushed the hair out from his forehead, “I like when you’re like that,” you shyly admitted. 

“Oh shit sorry, yeah erm let me try that,” he said clearing his throat. Harry realigned himself with your entrance, pushing his way inside. You let out a moan at the feeling of his fullness.  He brashly moved his hips forward which you grimaced at the feeling. He then tried moving them faster assuming that might be better and yet was again very wrong. It was as though he had forgotten how to have sex entirely.

“Okay, that’s it,” you declare pushing him completely of you. Harry pulled himself away from, curling his legs behind himself. “Honey what is going on? You’re fucking me like you’re like you have never heard what sex is so what’s going on,” you confront.  

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just in my head a lot, like suddenly I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Is it because of the whole trying thing?”

“Yeah, I really don’t know why I’m so freaked, we’ve done this plenty of times and I know I want this so I’m not sure what is going on. Ugh I’m really sorry.” He said collapsing on the white sheets. “I want this to be good.”

“Hey,” you comfort, crawling towards him. “Don’t worry about all that stuff. It’s just me, and here let me help.” You coax, grabbing his arms so he would sit up with with. You positioned him on his knees behind you wrapping one of his arms around your chest and leading his other hand to your core. Grabbing his cock you realigned yourself again with your back firmly pressed against his bare chest. Sliding down on him, you both begin to move in sync with each other’s bodies. “Here just keep moving with me,” you continue to speak softly allowing Harry to adjust. You then move Harry’s hand in slow circles on your clit, letting the feeling wash over you. 

Harry felt his skin melting into yours, the way he could feel himself completely letting go. His lips sucked gently on the neck of your skin as his hand placed more pressure on your clit. “Oh fuck that feels so good,” you cry out. Your eyes close throwing your head back onto his shoulder giving him more access to your neck. Harry slid the tip of his tongue down the curve of your neck sending shivers down your spine. Between the tongue, clit work, and the deep thrusting of his cock, you were being completely unraveled under his touch. “H that’s perfect.”

“Yeah, I might want to switch it up a bit,” he whispers in your ear. His lips pressing a kiss to your ear. 

“Okay how do you want me.”

Harry pushed you off of him, laying you down gently on your back. He came down on top of you, hiking up your legs to allow more movement. “I want you just like this. I want to see cum just like this.” He pushed himself again into you. His hips rolled into you. Your arms wrapped themselves against his neck, pulling him into your chest. His hot skin on yours created a warm comfort over your body. “Just like this,” he whispered again. Your hand slid down your body to your clit, rubbing it in tight circles. The feeling of your hand made Harry jerk his hips back, allowing more access for you. 

“Oh Harry, I’m gonna cum, yeah right there.” Harry’s hips began to move faster, harder as his face began to scrunch up. “Fuck me Harry!” You screamed as you could feel your pussy expand as you reached your climax.

“Oh shit Y/n. I’m gonna cum too,” he let out. His eyes shutting tight. “Oh fuck!” He moaned, his release shaking throughout his body. His hips gave a few more thrusts to ride out the full high. His hips can to a stop, his finger delicating running through the hair around your forehead. “I just want to stay like this forever. I love you y/n,” he said his eyes staring down at yours.

“I love you, too, H.”

[bradshawswife]

Okay but listen 🌻🙊

Texting Bradley at 2:15 am, thinking he’s asleep, you can’t sleep, and you’ve got too much on your mind. You really don’t expect any response until at least 6:30am.

He calls you because of course he would be awake at that time, you tell him not to worry, that you’ll be okay and that he really should get some more sleep in.

He tells you to shut up and open your door. When you do he’s there with snacks but also makes a meal and a half out of you😍

Also hope you’re doing well babes🌻

YEP YEP YEP!!! thanks bestie for the suggestion, much love 🥰i also hope you’re doing well my luv💕

this is gonna be like a HC or whatever i’m too lazy to write a lot🤫

Lonely nights | B.B

warning: minor smut towards the end, minors DNI. oral f!receiving. Bradley is a sweet boy as ever, thats a warning in itself.

It was just your average night, you at home, Bradley at base.

You were always lonely when Bradley couldn’t be with you. He had training that’s been super hard lately, so he hasn’t been able to see you late at night.

Deciding to text him at 2:15 was a quick judgement. You had been writing a text for 5 minutes. Deleting and rewriting these words over and over again, just to admit you miss him very much.

You’re a chronic over-thinker. Realistically you know everything’s ok, but you know the way anxiety works.

He’s probably sleeping and you’re being annoying so now you’re stressed about that.

He got your text almost instantly, knew how bad your overthinking gets sometimes, and started driving towards your house.

What you least expect happens — his name, “Roos” lights up on your phone. Oh god you’ve woken him up and he has training and now you’re really upset.

You answer the call and he has a deeper voice, he definitely had to be sleeping. “Hi baby” he says, “Are you okay? Why are you still up?”

“I’m okay, i promise,” you let out a small sniffle, cringing, “Just lonely. Did I wake you up?”

“No honey,” he starts, “I was just getting a glass of water when you texted, are you okay?” he gets out of his car, quietly shutting the door.

“Yes I am, you should go back to sleep.” you cough. He hears your tone of voice and know you’ve been crying. He’s starts walking up to your doorstep.

“I’m sorry baby but i’m going to need you to shut up and answer the door.” he says softly. You have a confused look on your face and start walking towards the front of your house.

You open the door to a grinning Bradley, one hand full of snacks, the other with his phone to his ear. “Hello my love” he says, ending the call and putting his phone in his pocket. He steps towards you and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“What are you doing here,” you question, “I told you I was fine and that you need more sleep.”

You both sit down on the couch and you vent to him. No matter how tired he could be or what he has to do the next day, he’s always there for you. He was the best boyfriend in the entire world.

And of course the night wouldn’t finish off without him making you finish 2 times from him eating you out. He says it was to “calm you down”, which it was, but he also loved eating you out.

“I hope you’re calm now pretty girl” he says, curled up next to you in bed. You’re all glassy eyed after his impeccable head game. “Yes baby.” you choke out.

He has ruined all other men for you, and you pray to your guardian angel you never have to be a day without him being yours.

taglist!

@katiemcrae

@thesewordsareallihavetogive

@vintageobx

@luckyladycreator2

@sadpetalsstuff

@blessupblessup

@gspenc

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for 'Breaking up' with a friend?

This is going to be a loooong post so buckle up. I have been friends with this person, who I will refer to as Bread, since 2017. They were pretty much my only close friend beside my sister(Who i will call Gamer, she is important later on) but also i always found them kinda annoying, but I never said anything because i would have to see them in school everyday and it would be too awkward. So right before my school shutdown for Covid, like on the last day, I (basically) said "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." I however continued to be their friend because they acted as if nothing had happened and honestly it took me a lot of courage to say the first thing to their face anyways. This is the end to the first chapter in our story.

So skip a few months in which we have no school. When online school starts we did it on google hangouts, and i found a way to reconnect with my school friends, i.e Bread and two other people who will become VERY important to the story. These two people who i befriend i will call Sprite and Pepsi. Sprite and Pepsi are currently two of my best friends, however Bread has had a long running history of issues with Pepsi. Mainly they set these aside for the good of the friend group. I introduce the three of them to one of my outer school friend, who is slightly older than us and therefore i will call Mentor(who actually has a tumblr so if you see this, by now you know this is me so keep scrolling.) The six of us become very good friends(for those who need a reminder, that's me, Gamer(my sister), Bread, Pepsi, Sprite, and Mentor. Cue 2021, the friend group now all uses discord and I have been invited into a side group chat, titled something along the lines of 'plans to remove Bread from the friend group.' Now, during this time skip i have mentioned a few incidents have occurred. 1) Gamer and I have gotten in heated arguments with Bread over silly things, them being really rude about Sprite's art, them not liking a documentary I recommended, several incidents where they 'introduced' us to their online friends who was just them on an alt account. Anyway, back to the group chat. I am filled in on even MORE discourse between Sprite, Pepsi, and Bread. I don't really remember any of it know and the gc has been long since deleted. We talk shit about them behind their back while also pretending to be their friend(this is partly the asshole part because we did this A LOT.) During this time Sprite is our double agent, being the person Bread always rants and vents too, despite Sprite discouraging it. During this time somthing very childish happens that i am honestly embarrased to type, so i will skip it, occurs, acting as the catalyst for all of us breaking our friendship with Bread in favor of Pepsi. During this event many hurtful words were said, mainly aimed at Bread(to their face this time.) Our break in friendship, however, does not last long, as right after we(Me and gamer) are added to a groupchat where Sprite tells us that they were a double double agent and was on NO ONE's side during this entire thing and also kind of telling Bread what was going on. They explain that this friendship stuff is dumb, and we all become friends once more (including Bread and Pepsi.) Things continue as normal. This is the end of chapter two

School reopens. I am in a class with Bread and no other friends. Each day my resentment for Bread grows. (Also a quick context for our school, Bread, Pepsi, and Sprite all use the same bus. Me and Gamer do not. Mentor does not go to our school. Many events transpired on the school bus that i am not fully aware of.) At this point I fucking DESPISE Bread. Its lots of small incidents, that i never addressed with them. Them being too touchy, invading my private space, not understanding that WHEN I PUT MY HEAD DOWN THAT MEANS I AM TRYING TO SLEEP SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT POKE ME. At this point all of my friends and I use insta, as me and gamer have just gotten it, instead of Discord. My friends never used discord much, so now, I start talking to my friends more. Pepsi and Sprite start filling me in on more and more of Breads misdeeds. It is revealed to me how pushy Bread is, how they ignore peoples boundary's, etc, and how practically everyone in our grade fucking hates them. This is news to me. I start cutting Bread out more and more. The shit talking behind their back returns, but this time with a vengeance. This time more people are involved. This time, the friend group is larger. This time, the exclusion Bread faces is on a larger scale. It is 2023 now. I barely talk to Bread. Their friendship with Pepsi is entirely down, they had a big friendship over haul that i have not gotten into, but we're still friends, only in name, for Mentor. Anyway, I use Pepsi as a human shield. Bread will avoid us if we are near Pepsi, and wont come to a group event if Pepsi is there. Life is great, because i no longer have to deal with Bread and their bullshit.

Now i come to the final part. The actual breaking up. Bread has confronted me a few months prior about how i avoid them. I weave my way around the topic of saying I hate them because i am very non confrontational. But now, I have confidence. I just finished hanging out with my friends. Its the middle of the holidays so i can send them a message via discord and not have to think of consequences. So i do. I tell them that I don't like them. I don't exactly outline the problems, but I do tell them this has been a long tome coming. Now, comes the reasons why i could be an asshole.

One, I have been 'soft blocking' Bread for a long time before this and i should have done it ages ago. Two, They have literally no other friends now. They are entering a new school year completely friendless, and i cant completely say its their own fault. Three, Most of what I have heard about their wrong doing is passed down from mouth to mouth, so details may have been twisted and I should just confront them about it instead. Four. As their only friend, it was kinda my job to help them, isn't it? but i didnt . I just abandoned them as soon as i got fed up. Five, even when i was genuinely their friend, i was a really shitty friend, refusing to take their side in any conflict that arised. Six, Bread acts like a genuinely nice person that i don't mind hanging out with in person, its just certain things, and the way they act with others and online that pushed me to this point.

So thats it, thats my story. A few helpful things to keep in mind: This is only an abridged version of events. I will be answering any questions i can on a throwaway account to clear up any confusion, and also add more detail on what exactly Bread has done wrong. Also we are all under 18 in this story and currently, so please keep this in mind. I don't think i did anything wrong but also i am surrounded in an echo chamber of people that hate them so i need an outside view to really understand how bad of a person Bread is. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, and I hope this was, at least, entertaining to you.

What are these acronyms?

[asafeplaceforus112]

awwweeee nooooooooooo

I'm gonna be so sad when I found out about James sucking, like I just, "I'm sorry if I ruin your favourite youtuber" you don't understand, I'm so worried.

This is my reaction, because I need somewhere to vent it,

overall, go check out Hbombergay, its so good, regardless of if you don't want to get to the James Somerton part.

I typed this bit after but I wanted to put it here rather than at the end where noone could see it:

Ummmm overall I don't know, I'm just really sad, I really respected Somerton, I thought he was someone like Contrapoints or Shanspeare or Philosphy tube and he wasn't

I'm sad about it, I also just hope he's okay? Thats weird but regardless of the shitty thing hes done he's human, and I'd like it if he could be okay overall, obviously now would be a tough time, but I just don't want to see him gone because of this

People are bad but I also know the power of people who sometimes go too far and end up cruel so you know? I just hope everything ends up okay

Reaction bit

Oh lord,

oH my god, I was a patreon supporter, thats how much I liked James, I just looked, holy shit he's deleted the patreon holy shit

ooooo Tinker bell and evil queens look like an interesting book, i will be reading that later

oh nooooooo

)): I'm so sad

"Wow you're ditching ship quick" (wrong phasing but you know)

ughhh because gut feeling and I can see the evidence.

I lost a close friend who was a gay man like James Somerton, I specifically lost this friend because he was a gay man that would do whatever it took to get a leg up, it didn't matter if it was against his ethics, as long as he got closer to his career goal he didn't care. For example, wokring under a politician that believed in conversion therapy specifically the use of medical castration. So yeah, lost that friend, went "omg a gay man thats not a boot licker" aaaannndddd

attached to a gay men that uses other people's work to get up in his career

-deep sigh- Goddamn

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH he did it twice??? UUUGUUGGHGHGHHGHGHH

I have so much more of a respect for plagerism stuff in university, like I know but I also have come to a realisation that some of my uni work can be considered as plagerism, if I'm running late with stuff, I find stuff I like, I reword, find another thing, reword, and then make a frankenstein (I do always reference and intext reference and say who said what but after learning this stuff, yeah thats not good enough

NOOOOO not society and queer horror )))): It was one of my favourite vi

god its word for word ))):

Holy shit it never connected in my brain how misogynistic he was

xDDD

"it wAS THEM'LL"

holy shit thats funny

.... How can batman be too woke???

no fucking way

not are they gay )):

A. that pheonix Wright sprite looks amazing

B. HOLY SHIT DD: HE LITERALLY HAD IT ON THE PHOTO HOW

OH SHIT MY ICON SHANSPEAR WAS MENTIONED HELL YEAH

"tHATS RIGHT SHE'S REAL YOU DONT KNOW ME" thats so fun xDDD

urinating tree???

"Too dark for a plagirism" BOI PLAGERISM IS DARK

"MIST" PANTHEON MIST??? -Brain rot activated-

Good video, sad vibes ):

[legacygirlingreen]

Personal incoming …

I swear this app sometimes really gets me…

Im sitting here in like actual tears just going through a package and I don’t have a lot of words. I always felt like a weird kid growing up. I didn’t have a lot of friends, and most of the time they met more like acquaintances. It’s so rare for me to find people who speak MY language. who get ME. Quirks, flaws, positives, negatives, etc. People I can talk to without a filter and they respond with equal engagement or interest. I used to POUR myself out for people who couldn’t care less if I was there or not.

When I got back on this app months ago, after taking such a long break from it and deleting my old blogs, I truly planned to only post some work, see how it did, then forget about it. I used it as a distraction from how horrible I was doing after surgery and a space to vent during my masters program. I never intended to really meet people or obtain another line of mutuals. In fact on tumblr way back when, I always kept more to myself and just viewed things like a ghost.

So it’s crazy to me that just a few crazy months later I’d be sitting in my childhood bedroom on the floor feeling more love in a friendly capacity than I have in over 20+ years on this planet. I swear that recent trend of “if only 17 years old me knew _____” this would be mine.

I know the world works in mysterious ways - albeit a higher power if you believe in that or simply happen chance if you don’t - but god I’m not used to feeling this much.

I wish I had a more poetic way of explaining I really did. I did my masters thesis on fandom for Pete’s sake, and here I am seeing such a beautiful side of it that I never thought I would experience.

@strawberrypinky I swear I don’t know how many weird things happened for that invisible string to reveal itself but I am so thankful. You truly have brought such a joy to my life I never expected or anticipated in the slightest. And I wish I wasn’t so bad at understanding and explaining my emotions sometimes but I just feel so incredibly thankful to this app, this silly little wizard game, and this space for bringing me such joy. I am so truly blessed by your friendship and taking an odd chance on talking with me, meeting me, and being my friend 💚

As for everyone else on here I’ve spoken with, other mutuals, collaborators, etc - I am so thankful for you as well. This place has brought such joy to my life I can’t thank you all enough.

So anyways, that’s emotional hour for you all, back to writing about a silly little wizard soon enough, but I just needed to get out all the thankfulness I feel for this place.

- M

[makeyoumine69]

Omg I wrote an ask but then my app crashed, I’m not sure if it sent ☠️ um. Okay if you got this ask already, please feel free to ignore this… lets see if I can remember what I wrote hahaha rip

Like the recent anon you got, I may also need some reassurance about something. What do you do if you really like a character, but then they do something highly triggering, and then it changes your entire perspective of them? And yet, you still want to be with them? I just watched AP a week ago and I was starting to hyperfixate on it. I really like Patrick a lot, probably the first time I’ve ever shipped with a villain who is THIS ruthless, and I’d see him murder ppl on screen and I’d think “oh teehee he wouldn’t hurt my OC though :)” sjfhkshdjg it also helps that I skipped almost all of the murder scenes except the Paul one (my friend who LOVES this movie watched it with me, told me to look away while they fast forwarded through the scary parts) I really cannot handle horror at all, but I wanted to try seeing this movie because I love Christian Bale. So I suppose you can say I technically only watched 30 minutes of this movie XD

I was having a real good time coming up with fluffy stories for my OC and Patrick for a full week now. But then I foolishly watched the deleted scenes yesterday without asking my friend to check the video to see if it had any triggering content… and I liked the scenes very much, except the one with Courtney. That scared the shit out of me. I have had a personal experience of being sexually assaulted and hit in the bedroom without consent, so seeing Patrick kind of yank Courtney around and yell at her, and roughly pull out, hurting her, it definitely triggered me and I was stress vomiting afterwards for a few hours. And today I woke up and I still cannot stop thinking about it. I felt really, really good with Patrick up until I watched that yesterday, and I am so shaky and nauseous just remembering it. It just keeps replaying in my head, despite me trying to stop thinking about it. I believe the director commented that they deleted that scene and replaced it instead with the scene where Patrick and Courtney are simply talking after they had slept together, where she’s just feeling depressed and saying “if you don’t call before Easter, have a nice one” or something like that, I am paraphrasing. But it didn’t imply any violence had occurred beforehand, at least I really hope not

I know Patrick is awful. I know he’s horrible. I know he is the worst, I did this to myself by liking him in the first place. I feel very stupid when I vent about this to my friends, they’re like “well… just don’t ship your OC with him if it bothers you. He’s literally a serial killer, it shouldn’t surprise you that he would also hurt women sexually. Just stop thinking about it.” but it doesn’t feel that simple, I can’t just… stop, you know? I spent an entire week *obsessing* over this character. I got serotonin out of this, it was a habit to think of him; my brain cannot simply just say “oh whatever I’ll drop him then, move on to something else”. I have absolutely tried distracting myself with other interests in the last 24 hours. I have watched other movies that aren’t scary, I have looked at different characters from romantic comedies that don’t involve murder, I have binged SpongeBob episodes lmao, but my brain is very much attached to Bateman. I want to feel comfortable with him, I like him. I wanted to ship my OC with him very badly, and I still do! I know he’s fictional, I shouldn’t be overthinking this, but I feel so shaky and unsafe when I think about him now. I feel heartbroken like I’m going through a breakup, as silly as that sounds, because I have been really looking forward to making this character someone fun to write about. I keep reminding myself it was just a deleted scene, he didn’t really hurt Courtney in bed, but god… it was jarring to see it happening regardless. I know he does these things in the book, I know he’s despicable, but I really wanted to hope that movie!patrick could be someone I could potentially try testing the waters with. Like the anon you answered recently, I have also had a poor experience shipping with villains and I am trying to reclaim that for myself. It feels scary knowing he has the potential to be physically or sexually abusive, when I am trying to practice the whole “I am the exception with villains” thing. I’m so sorry, I am writing so much omg I promise I’m almost done

So I guess I’m just asking for you to lie to me and say he’d be gentle with people in the bedroom, or that he wouldn’t bother hitting somebody or hurting them because it doesn’t bring him satisfaction...? Or even just… he didn’t hurt Courtney… *wouldn’t* hurt Courtney. Or Evelyn. Or Jean. Or whomever else. Like, if he’s ruthless, I’d rather he just murder people, not assault them, does that make sense? Oh my god I know that sounds completely out of character but I need somebody who knows him very well to try to reassure me, if you were okay with that of course. You’ve been writing him for a long time so I think you’d know him best and i know if anyone can convince me that Patrick has a gentle side to him, it would be you. And if anybody else wanted to write reassurances in the replies as well, by all means, I need all the help I can get lol. If you wanted to respond to this, of course. Please don’t feel pressured to respond if you don’t want to! Forgive me for sending such a lengthy ask. I feel very silly. Have a lovely day, I very much enjoy your blog btw you seem like a very kindhearted person :) sending you hugs. Again, please don’t worry about responding if you don’t wish to.

Hello dear!

Jesus, it's such an honor to hear people say that I know Patrick very well, it literally makes me cry! 😭

I would tell you this - when it comes to having crushes and just interacting with different characters, we all have our own visions of them. Speaking for myself, as much as I try to write Patrick canonically, I don't really write any gore or him committing murders because my psyche blocks those aspects of his personality, but I don't judge people who write him really violent and brutal - that's just not my cup of tea. I can't say that I tried to find some good traits in his personality, no, I just accepted the fact that I fell in love with a narcistic, arrogant man who has mental problems and loves to manipulate people. All those "I can fix him" things never worked for me and I never really tried to imagine him changing in a good way for me. Actually, I just let him live rent free in my head, and as for the way I write him - sometimes I feel like I want to write him being gentle and loving - I really have a thing for sweet and affectionate Patty, sometimes (most of the time lmao) I'm into some really angsty shit, so probably most people don't like my writing because in my stories Patrick appears to be a dickhead and a total bastard. But like I said, we all look at characters from our own perspective and we have the right to imagine our crushes the way we want them to be. After all, only Bret Ellis can present Patrick's character the way he is supposed to be, since Ellis created him.

Speaking of the deleted scene with Courtney, it was a little different in the book, but yeah, I wouldn't recommend reading the book because it's much more triggering and disturbing than the movie. Honestly, when I read the book for the first time, I had a big breakdown because I felt disgusted by the things Patrick did in the novel and Bret did a great job of making Bateman a real monster, so I can say that the movie version of Patrick is less off-putting. Even now I try to avoid reading the book too often because some chapters make me really depressed. But I can confess that I'm one of those people who believe in the theory that Bateman didn't commit all those murders and that they were all in his head. In Lunar Park, Bret Ellis' other book, he hinted that all the murders were actually not real. So I can recommend you to read this book because it has a lot of interesting facts about Patrick Bateman as a character from the novel.

I hope I made you feel a little bit better, and my DM is always open to talk! Thanks for sharing this with me! 💕💕💕

*sending my love and hugs!*

[desi-lgbt-fest]

this is like a confession post? kinda? please feel free to not post this but i just need to vent this somewhere.

so for the past few months, i'm so very unsure of my future? i'm on the verge of getting admitted to colleges so like there's obviously the worry of if i'll ever be financially independent in the future (more so because i'm afab & a closeted queer and the idea of getting married to a cishet guy is the scariest thing ever & living alone or with another queer person seems beyond possibilities rn?). but there's also the question of how, even if i'm successful, will my future look like? like i don't have any examples before me of queer people living in comfort who are from homophobic families? and i cannot even conceptualize the idea of creating a future that will be good for me. then there's the added worry of finding friends & then, finding time for myself within the hectic lifestyle of today. i fear i will become my parents who don't have time or energy to engage in their hobbies. what does the future of me with my parents look like? it's just... it's so scary because i don't know what example to follow because there is seemingly none?

i really wish i could adopt a new identity & get lost somewhere at these moments istg.

Hey anon. This sounds pretty shitty, and i understand the struggle. I'm in my last year of highschool and finding a college is terrifying because of I'm in India then I'll stuck being in the closet. If I'm abroad I'll get to transition but my family might cut me off. That fear of being stuck and as my uncle has said being forced to make decisions with your back against the wall? It eats you up inside.

The way I imagine it's doing for you.

But I'm going to give you a trick my cool uncle taught me. Imagine your worst case scenario. In your case it might be getting stuck in a marriage you don't want and forced to being closeted right? Usually when people imagine their worst case scenario they stop right here. Shut if off cause the idea is terrifying and you don't want to entertain it.

Entertain it regardless.

Okay you get stuck in a marriage you don't want and are forced to remain in the closet... And? What happens to you? What do you do in this life? Try to think of it as an alternate universe version of you. What do you do??

Are you working, do you get kids? Is your husband nice? Are your in-laws nice? Do you have friends that support your queerness or are they shallow?

Build this world in your head. Why? You may be asking. Because throughout history we've found that the moment humans start questioning things, we do great things. So question, pound your head endlessly with them.

The fear won't look so bad anymore. And even if you do end up in this scenario (I am not saying you would, but in the case that you do) you'll be emotionally and mentally prepared to deal with it. Maybe you might at some point divorce your husband and live your dream life, who knows?

The point is, no one knows what the future may hold and a lot of the times we have these fears about it, because it is the one thing we cannot control. We can control how we deal with it. God forbid the worst case scenario happens, but if it does know that I strongly believe that you'll make it out fine. I promise.

And this is just a thought experiment, you can try it if you want and i sincerely hopes it works for you. But take my words with a grain of salt because I am barely eighteen and haven't seen much of life yet. I still have a lot to learn :)

(i also noticed you said you may not want it posted but I'm not sure if you meant that as I DON'T WANT ANYONE SEEING THIS or as a polite you can take your time answering. If it's the first one just send a follow up ask and I'll delete this)

-Mod Raissa

[frecklystars]

I don’t know how to phrase how I’m feeling but I need to vent rly badly 😭 sorry I’ll delete this later

Dude I’ve been bad the last few days like rly fucking bad. I am so unbearably lonely even though I’m talking to people and hanging out with friends at least once a week.

My suicidal thoughts have been getting worse. I didn’t have them for a couple of months but now it’s like the last four days it’s been nonstop. I’m self harming again and every time I do it I just keep thinking of how disappointed my f/os would be in me. Especially Ken. Which is stupid bc I know he isn’t real but I just keep thinking like… my whole life nobody has physically been here to hold me when I’m hurting and I feel like Ken especially who has never seen human blood before in his life would suddenly be scared of me or just. hate me altogether. Or colt. God the movie isn’t even out and I can’t look at colt without immediately feeling such a horrible ache in my chest like there is no way he’d love me and tolerate how sad I get

I have cried seven times at work in the last four hours today, what the fuck. I just feel like I’m not even a person, like… the world is full of people who are living and breathing but I feel like a shell. I am so miserable and lonely and I don’t know how to fix that. And I’ll tell my family that I’m like, starting to plan how I’d off myself and they’re like :) oh well whatever. And I’m like oh ok. My dad isn’t even home anymore he’s in Vegas and he’s only home maybe 10 days out of 365 days this year. I’ll tell him how bad I’m doing and he just. does not register or he does not care. it is just me alone in this empty house with my dog

And I’m so tired of being the only one initiating hangouts with my friends but if I stop initiating hangouts then ppl are gonna not hang out with me. y’know. Like I am immediately forgotten or brushed aside. My friends do not think about me the way I think about them, and like! I get it! That’s ok!! That’s how life goes. I am not remarkable and that’s ok! I am not built to be a remarkable person I have always spent my entire life completely alone and that’s. ok . but it has been hurting really bad like way worse than usual lately. I remember being five years old and telling myself “something is wrong with me because my parents don’t hug me the way other kids parents hug them” and like ots just been constant for years and years. There is something wrong with me for my parents to not interact with their child even once in their life and there is something wrong with me where every person I interact with only wants me around bc I can draw them something or, back when I made more money, I would pay for us to go out to eat every week. But like the second I can’t draw or don’t have money it’s like I do not exist

and I don’t know how to fix my brain to be okay with this again. I am always crying or hurting myself and I can’t even function at work today. I don’t want to sit here and mourn a family I will never have. I don’t want to sit here and tell myself I wish I had friends to come over and watch movies with bc like… that’s just making me sad. I don’t want to sit here and ache anymore but I’ve been self harming and crying every night now and I don’t know how to fix myself

[merwynsartblog]

Question. What do you mean by "I dealt with some shit online." I have been a little bit curious when i saw that in your pinned post. You do not need to tell if you do not want to.

Its fine dont worry lmao im just gonna warn you its a long ass ramble on what happened. there will be a tldr thing in the bottom since this is gonna be a biggg ass ramble. Tw for accusations on pedo/grooming + manipulation + mentions of the world war 2 causing guy

a lil insight on what happened before this shit happened. (this was on another website) there was a person (we gonna call them oliver tree fan) who was caught drawing nsfw of the ww2 causing guy on a alt acc with someone else. the person who caught them was actually a ex of mine (we gonna call them "M") M vented to me about it since the other person who was on the alt acc used to be a friend of M. I never liked oliver tree fan. they harrassed many of my friends and was just a shitty person in general. i called the oliver tree fan out since the website was pretty small and everything was silent for a lil bit. Then oliver tree fan started harassing M. ANDDDD OOOOO BOY that made me pissed. But i knew Oliver tree fan was trying to start shit so i ignored them and tried to help M. Then oliver tree fan decided to go to my acc later on and said "im gonna block ya now" i was very pissed since it didnt make sense to me and i vague posted about them THIS MADE OLIVER TREE FAN VERRYYYY ANGRY. so what did they do? they made a callout post randomly on me. Basically the callout post was about me being a groomer/predator and how weird it was for me to like characters from shows and how i was manipulative to my friends and i was dating a close friends partner and that i was faking my age bc i didnt look 16 (she had a face pic of mine </3 also yeah this was like. near 2 years ago) I did had faults. i did do stupid shit. im not gonna deny that. i dated a 10 year old when i was 14 i wasnt sexual but it was still fucking wrong. i have cut contact with them a long while ago but around a year ago i did apologize to them. that was a shitty thing to do. i did treated some of my friends very shitty. and i take full fucking blame for that. i apologized to them and we made up. but since. it was a small website. many people believed i was this shitty person and i deserved to go to jail and shit. i panicked to my friends and basically had a big old panic attack that night. oliver tree fan then decided "hey! ill delete the callout if you friend me on discord and talk to me" and i did just that. oliver tree fan basically made me BEG. to have the callout taken down. telling me i was in the wrong i didnt deserve shit. then asked me to delete callouts/screenshots. i did that and then they decided "hey now we friends :D". we also made a deal not to talk shit about eachother AND. not to M. (since around this time M lost someone VERY important in his life in a awful fucking way.) i felt so uncomfy and terrified but i couldnt talk back to them or else i was scared i would get "called out" again. i was added into groupchats that was dissing on my friends and alot of other shit. they kept talking shit to me. to my partner at the time and alot of others. they were very 2 faced and fucking awful to me and many others. i didnt get the worst of it and it was just.. vfnjcnjdcs god fucking awful. many people figured out Oliver tree fan was a shitty mother fucker. and if you see this oliver tree fan (bc i know you stalk me </3) fuck off. legit your a fucking awful person. made me fucking scared for my fucking life for at least 4 months. you made me feel like utter garbage. i really hope you get what you deserve. tldr: Oliver tree fan was a shitty person to me and M (partner at the time now they are a ex of mine) decided to call me out and call me a pedo/groomer manipulator and other shit when i called them out. many people believed Oliver tree fan. they manipulated me into deleting evidence. we made a deal not to talk shit about eachother. ofc they talked shit and treated M and others like shit. then people figured out Oliver tree fan was a shitty person.

hope this made sense

[fuckyeah-bears]

im sorry. i did not think i was ripping you off. i was very inspired by your blog, and was excited that you had responded to me. i was anxious, and honestly offended that you had called us a "meh knockoff" in your anon asks about the tag on my posts, i will be honest. it also did make me want to double down, yes, because i thought the pun of pandopamine was something cute and clever, and i had already thought about changing the names before. i apologize. it truly was just inspiration, not an attempt to rip you off. many of the aspects of my blog were inspired by you. im sorry for upsetting you so much, i just wanted to make a place for panda posts, a positive place to make people happy like your blog made me happy. i didn't think it would cause such anger. i do wish you had directly messaged me to talk this out, rather than vague post about me to so many, including with the anon that had said my name. i have gotten anons now with very hateful messages. im sorry for making you upset, i just wish this could have been handled more,,, civilly.

For fucks sake can people not ever send hateful anon messages to people?!? I’m pissed at the people who sent this person rude hateful messages.

Yes I have been immature about this and I know it and I’m terribly sorry that people have been dumbass shits and decided to go send anon hate like assholes. Yes I unintentionally fueled that. Yes I take responsibility for that. I was annoyed and angry and felt disrespected and wanted to vent but I intentionally tried not to put a blog name in my posts to avoid this.

So I’m sorry. I will delete the posts.

But for genuine fucks sake people. For the love of god NEVER send rude hateful messages to people. What the actual fuck?!? The whole deal with bearotonin is to spread positivity to make this shit ass world more bearable. Sometimes I get grouchy and irritable and post less positive stuff on here where I don’t have to maintain brand continuity and be all rainbows and sunshine and positivity all the time because I am fucking human and just need to vent and be a grouchy imperfect flawed human being sometimes. but honestly. use common sense. If I spend THAT much time trying to uplift people and spread positivity, do you really think I would ever in a million years condone nasty anxiety n hate and harassing messages?!?! What the fuck.

Ugh. This whole thing is such a stupid mess. Fucking occasional bears always starting shit ffs

[lordoftablecloths]

vent post i guess i dont know i just wanted to write stuff down instead of just go ing to bed and crying over it you can just scroll past it

im fine im sane im noramal im so unbleiveably cringe ,, the only person i have irl- fuck, or even online for that matter- to show the dumbass things i write is my silly little dumbass younger brother who doesn;t understand what im trying to get at and i guess its not his fault, i seriously doubt he's spent unhealthy amounts of time making various short scenerios in his head about charcters he came up with and eventually trying to give them a story and write little things about them in google docs because where else am i supposed to put this and its just ,, he doesnt know wht im trying to do and i dont know how to explain it to him because the "history" i gess behind it is so fucking complicated by now that these characters arent even the same characters as they were when i originally created them, other than some physical attributes and their names and he just knows them as the random cringe shit i made up in middle school but so many years have passed by now that these stupid fuckers whose only purpose to serve is to make me stop remembering that i exist and ive gotten too attatched to them because who else was i supposed to get attatched to when i was going through an identity crisis at the time- and, quite frankly, still fucking am- and it was so much easier to pretend i dont exist and just project my flaws and insecurities and underlying subconcsious thoughts into these charactes that no one knows about except me and oh god im just created a long ass vent post on tumblr that no one's going to read and no one understands the story behind fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck whatever ill go ahead and post this unfinished thing because no one's going to get it either way ill probably delete it later if it doesnt get buried under reblogs

dont think too much about this i just got sad because my brother was giving me a bunch of criticism on an outline of a story i was working on- which is fair, i need to take criticism- but he only knows the characters in it as their semi-formed cringe versions so i chickened out half way and now i feel bad because i was really proud of this thing for the whopping span of like one day before i decided to show it to another human person instead of letting it rot away inside of me like i usually do and now i feel bad about my writing skills

im trying so hard to just take his words with a grain of salt because this kid does not have nearly as much experience with writing as i do, but i feel like im copying too many of my inspirations (DnD, generic fantasy story about defeating evil creature, silly tropes, etc,,) which sucks because that was just like the first two pages of the outline and theres nine fucking pages and like the second half of it was what i put the most effort into and i felt like the ideas were really origianl but i could make myself let him naturally get to that part of the outline because i was starting to feel really bad and wieerd and oh god he is looking at ideas i havent ever expressed to another human person even though i am very familaiar with because i came up with them and they havebeen in my head for at least a year or two by now and have been haunting me ever since so instead of skipping ahead to the parts that were really good in my opinion but would have made no sense without context i just told him to piss off i gues s

i dont know. i feel dumb. i feel stupid. ive put so much effort into this stuff and the concept that ive been wasting my time feels like too heavy of a weight to handle. god none of this porbobably nmakes any sense ,,,,,,,,, i guess this is why i feel miserable when the fanart and shitpost memes i post get a comically larger audience and attention than the art relating to my silly goofy ocs, because these stupid fucking characters are all thats keeping me going . call me cringe, but is it still cringe if the concept that maybe i too can be around people that love me and instead of having to like me in spite of my faults love me for them keeps me from fucking killing myself is it still cringe?

if a tree falls in a forest and no one's around, does its fall even make a sound? (shit piss fuck sorry i dont remember the original quote and all i can remember is tha t one line from that one musical i dont remember what it was)

if an autistic moron that cant even talk to a cashier without having a panic attack makes a universe full of fictional characters of his own cfreation then an alternate universe, then several alternate universes, then a spin off from that original universe and etc etc but its all just on google fucking docs and no where else except deleted excerpts from a dead wattpad account, did he ever even create anything at all?

its pointless. its all so fucking pointless. its a waste of time. why do i do this at all. its so fucking pointless. it makes no fucking sense. you cant just make a story with characters in it, then make a fucking fantasy au of that universe with the same characters but with different designs and wildly different personalities and then make a whole fucking complicated lore-filled story about the fantasy au version while the original universe's story is still left mostly unfinished like forget about a first draft of the text i havent even finished the first ddraft of the outline yet buckarooooooo

okay fuck you guys thats all i want to tell you im going to go pretend to myself to try to go to sleep and then cry now