#i'm sorry for being so emotional today... maybe i should log off

[orcgirlcock]

I've been there re: A lack of intimacy/experiences. I know it feels awful but you can't think of it as a problem that you are the source of. You gotta believe in yourself, even when believing in yourself feels stupid. You have to because it's the only thing that works. Things will change; and you'll make them change if they don't.

And I'm not just saying that because you're cute.

it doesn't just feel stupid, it feels wrong sometimes. ever since i started to want romance and intimacy, i've been met with nothing but misses. people telling me they had feelings after i moved away never to see them again. falling in love with my best friends, only to have them tell me that despite them feeling the same, we can't be together. over and over. finally actually having a girlfriend, working up the courage to finally give her a kiss for the first time, only to walk in on her and some guy from another class kissing. it doesn't matter how hard i try, no matter how much i believe, i can't seem to get it right. i haven't found anyone irl that wants me enough to do anything about their feelings, and i'm so tired from searching so hard

[wishbowl]

𝕽𝖊𝖑𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘𝖍𝖎𝖕𝖘

I do not want to get into a long-term relationship or a relationship really with anyone.

I can be very personable and easy to talk to in person and I know I'm really good to fuck therefore those are the only two qualities I put into the relationship… I will pay with men it's so much easier not to feel guilty about it tt than it is with women so I eventually have to end up breaking it off.

The only person who has seen all sides of me I can never get myself to even kiss them because I'm so scared to repeat try cycle that always seems to come to a stop.

“Situationship,” I think that is what they are called. When you fuck someone tolerate them enough to a point where they can stick around for a while but not enough to call them your “significant other” during that time…. I think more than anything the title of it all and being a GORLfriend to someone is a large part of what scares me. 

And why am I even doing this? The question pops up in my mind every once in a while and I wonder if is sex even really worth it when you never let yourself cum around anyone but yourself but then again are they hot enough to where you can add that to things to masturbate to lol.

Honestly, for the ones that I let stick around I'd have to say yes but it's just a matter of time before things get real enough to where I have to dip.

A recent example is this fucking rapper guy; incredible body, my type exactly PHYSICALLY and there was all this shit about his baby mum logging in and all that shit and I had to dip because that guy asked for my number and because of the PAST I never really let boys have my number anymore… except this one boy but we are just friends but also I ghosted him kind of [reduced him to inconsistent reel sending] once he confessed he also had feelings for me which made me not have feelings for him and then straight away his facade just seemed to fall around me.

He only called you and checked in with you each day with a good morning and a good night and a Did you eat today BECAUSE he thought he could get a chance to make out with you.

I hate that feeling of I didn't actually get to feel all those emotions because he had curated it out to be that way and the end goal was to fuck. And maybe that's why I never let it be that way with her no matter how much I wanted to. I didn't want it to feel like I was him because I wanted to wish her good morning each and every single day and the sound of her reply is something I never get tired of hearing.

And I think maybe it's fair to want the other person to feel the same way about you.

But I admit I do want to be wanted and the easiest way to cure that craving is to sexualize yourself I learned that probably a bit earlier than most but dare I say that is just the way that life turned out.

Why am I even doing this? The honest answer is I would really like to find “the one” but it's the “finding” part that I'm so sick and tired of repeating. 

Do I have to get so often? Or do I just get hurt too easily? Am I quick to judge? or have I seen the same story play out enough times to know the warning signs? Are they warning signs? Or are they just something that triggers flashbacks to the past and therefore my brain interprets it as something that I should be scared of and therefore avoid? Are these even questions anymore?

I do not think I'll ever commit myself to a relationship if I don't feel the same love back I so desperately want it to just be at my feet because I'm so sick of searching for it.

But das all I got to say about that as for now. Sorry, I didn't work through anything but at least I acknowledged things for what they are.

(Somewhat)

[tearoomsaloon]

you know I actually have all your killer emperor fics saved on my phone; i don't have data and when i'm alone and sad, they always cheer me up. thank you so much for writing them :) i was wondering if i could prompt you to write maybe something like where rey finally starts seeing ren, just ren and not an emperor or a sith and she sees him as home

I don’t think I’ve actually felt so…touched before. I’m so happy something as small as my writing can put a smile on your face on a bad day. You can absolutely prompt me, 100%. You’re an angel, thank you so much for making my day. This one will be long, my present to you.

“It’s a fine day today, for all it’s worth.”

She’d been hearing sentences along those same lines for hours now, always directed towards her husband. He took them stoically, thanked the speaker, and continued to the next face to greet. It was a dual celebration today; his birthday, and the date of his ascension.

It would be improper to ask him why everyone needed to clarify that is was a good day even though it happened to be the current date. If she were to bring it up, he’d likely scowl and dismiss her back to her handmaidens, no longer privileged to stand beside him for the evening.

“What happened today?” she instead asked one of his many retainers.

The man paled, conflicted between answering the Empress’ request or keeping his lord’s privacy from his wife. “There was an event years ago, your grace.”

“It’s ‘your highness,” her husband corrected. He loomed over her shoulder like a glacier over an ocean. “She’s not a duchess, she gets the proper styling.”

She was ushered away without an answer, fingers like iron bars around her upper arm.

“I apologize, it’s not my business.”

“Damn right it’s not,” he hissed, sharp teeth flashing in a mouth of red. “Keep to yourself for the rest of the evening. If I want you later, I’ll find you myself.”

Coldly dismissed like a servant girl. Rejected, again. It was getting exhausting, wearing out his patience and then being cast aside. She left the grand hall, dejected. Better to see herself out before she upset him more than stick around and blow his temper out of proportion.

It took a half hour for her handmaidens to pry her from her ensemble. She locked herself in the fresher after and spent an hour taking off her makeup and showering. Face scrubbed and puffy red, she felt a little less miserable. Not presentable, not in a state in which she’d wish him to see her, but less upset. Staring at herself in the mirror, she cannot recall the last time her husband had seen her barefaced.

Hours upon hours later, she’d fallen asleep with the light on, a datapad curled in the sheets beside her. He was careful entering, quiet on his feet. He’d been so touchy all evening, it wasn’t fair to have snapped at her. It wasn’t fair to keep it from her either, but such a vulnerability…it was one of few things that cut him to his core.

She jolted awake when he neared, her eyes wide and unsettled. Uncomfortable. Damn. “My apologies.”

Rey sat up and cracked her neck, sleep clouding over her nervousness. “You said you’d fetch me if you wanted me?”

“I was going to ask if you wanted to spend the night in my bed, but you look tucked in already.”

“No, no, it’s all right,” she said around a yawn. “It’s your birthday.”

He managed to stifle his cringe.

She was slow to wake, to wrap a robe around her shoulders, to follow him down the long hall from her quarters to his. In some ways, he found it odd they were married. He’d practically stolen her from the desert and sweet-talked her into helping him win a bet (not that she knew), and she was still there at his side. It was rare, so rare, they spend time together. The last time they shared a bed was over a month ago. Too long in his opinion.

He undressed slowly while she practically flopped into his bed and crawled under the blanket. She could have just said no if she didn’t want to stay with him. No, she was content away from his beastly presence.

“I’m going to fall back asleep if you take any longer,” came her voice, floaty and laced with dreams.

The last of his robes shucked, he switched off the lights and followed after her, deliberating whether or not to touch her, to lay an arm around her.

“You can if you want,” she mumbled, listening in over their bond.

He kissed a bare spot on her shoulder and drew her in by the waist. “I’m sorry for snapping earlier.”

“You were within your right. You can keep secrets from me, any and all.”

“I shouldn’t.”

“It’s your decision, you’re the emperor.”

They were supposed to be on equal ground. “Sleep well, princess.”

She chuckled. “I’m not a princess.”

With a sigh, he held her tighter.

Rey took up snooping as a hobby. If she couldn’t ask and he wouldn’t tell her, she was going to figure this out for herself. It took about a week to find the right part of his vast library to look. Flimsies and display discs lined the walls, each with their own distinct home. He kept records of previous years, news reports, logs, anything and everything. She took a few stabs at which year the event happened during and came up empty for five years back.

It was seven years ago. He was still practically a child.

“Crown Prince Ben Organa, 19, has been thrust forward onto the throne years too early. The prince’s eyes were glazed, his mind no doubt still lingering on the assassination that occurred earlier this morning, leaving him orphaned—”

Rey dropped the holopad, hand flying to her mouth to hide her small scream. She’d never asked what happened to his parents, why he’d taken his throne at such a young age. She assumed patricide, but the more she read, the more unlikely that looked. For starters, his mother had been empress regent, her husband, prince consort.

She was careful leaving his quarters, hoping he was still in meetings with his war cabinet. Slipping back into her rooms, she felt like her mental image of him was beginning to crumble. He had rough edges and sharp teeth, but he hid a softness, a weakness. Not from everyone, but from her. He didn’t want her to see him vulnerable.

“But you have now, haven’t you?” He was there in her room, standing in front of the windows overlooking Coruscant. With a deep breath, he glanced at her over his shoulder, amber eyes dulled. “You couldn’t help yourself.”

Ashamed, she turned away. “We’re supposed to be equals, Kylo.”

His laugh was humorless. “What other burning questions do you have for me?”

“You changed your name?”

“I put a close to a broken chapter in my life. Next.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s not your business.”

“I’m your wife, Kylo.” She heard the choke in her voice and swore. “We’re supposed to be a team. You can trust me.”

“It’s not about trust.”

“Then what is it about? You don’t tell me things that are important to you, about your past, who you are as a person. We’ve shared a bed maybe six times, and none of those times have we been intimate.”

“So?”

“We’ve been wed for a year and a half,” she growled. “Maybe you should have left me in the desert.”

“Maybe I should have.” He brushed by her in his exit, temper like a forest fire scorching on his heels.

Sliding down onto her sofa, she hoped this little outburst wouldn’t land her in a ditch somewhere below the city.

She found him in his office two nights later, his hands steepled, eyes closed. He had been careful not to run into her and she hadn’t seen tail or tooth of him since he’d left her emotionally bloody.

“I want to apologize,” she started, eyes as far from his face as she could manage.

“Don’t.” Golden eyes opened, fire lost from his gaze. “Come here please.”

Hesitant, she stepped around his desk, unsure of what he meant when he rested his arms on his chair.

“All the way to me, princess.” He pulled her onto his lap, wrapping her tightly to his chest. “I was young when it happened. It changed who I was, how I saw myself. How the the empire saw me. I grew cold, trading emotions for ruthlessness.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, it’s the hand I was dealt.” Ren kissed her forehead, lips lingering a moment too long. “I’m grateful I found you, I wouldn’t trade you for anything.”

He carried her to bed after pouring his soul out, drained and exhausted. He kissed her on the cheek and disappeared, leaving her with a mountain of unanswered questions.

It was difficult to sleep, her feeling swirling and clawing. She’d been so angry with him and now she felt...distraught. Mournful for a tragedy that was not her own. She wanted to comfort him as best she could, but he was still distant, emotionally. She wondered, somewhat hopelessly, if he’d ever truly let her in for good.

Not to her surprise, he disappeared again. The palace was enormous and it was easy for him to evade her, to avoid another confrontation. The next time she saw his visage was over the HoloNet in the middle of an address. His dark curls swam around his face, long blue and silver jewels dripping like dew across his head. He had such an interesting face, his nose long but elegant, brow regal, alabaster skin speckled with spots.

She’d never really looked at him before, never fully noticed his attractiveness. It had been clouded over by the nights of bloodstained hands and wild animal eyes. A smile flashed quickly across his lips and her heartbeat skipped. This man was hers, his flaws and scars and all.

Rey didn’t have to sneak to see him the next time, finding he instead came to her. She had a mild heart attack, turning to pull her pajamas from her closet only to find a visitor beside her bed. Her pulse thundered at the sight of him, at the delicate expression in his eyes.

They met in the middle, drawn to each other. He let her brush his cheek with her fingers, let them lace back into his silky hair. The kiss to follow was tender, slow, all-encompassing. She followed him when he broke away, stealing him back for a second more.

“I want to kiss like that more often,” she said softly into the warmth of his neck. “I want you more often.”

“And you’ll have me.” He tilted her chin up, nipped at her cheek, her ears. “Starting tonight, if you want me to stay.”

She looked up at her husband, grinning. “I’d like that,” she said, pulling him down for another kiss, pulling him towards the bed.

[atrippedouthipster]

Saturday Blues

As I've mentioned before, going through early sobriety is a menagerie of emotions. One day, like yesterday, I'll be absolutely riding high; being able to witness a great work of art, while working on my own. To me that's one of the best highs to ride, along with being able to help people, what was what had me loving my Home Health Care gig and why I stayed longer than I should have.

Walking away from that slight digression, after having those highs begin to quell it's way back to base level, there's a sudden drop. Like every other high. To me that's one of the most important things to realize when walking into the beginning stages of recovery. The downs will be there, but this time 'round, the crutches can no longer be there to prop you up.

The key is to rise above it and keep moving, because otherwise you're what AA members will call, a dry drunk. Sobriety becomes an existence of white knuckling and sooner or later, more than likely sooner, you'll fall off that wagon.

Which is why, instead of lying in my bed feeling sorry for myself, I'm lying in bed and writing to you (lol). Honestly, I'm probably just writing to myself, but that's the point right?

Any artist, in this case a writer, shouldn't be writing for adoration but for him or herself. Neil Young, Bob Dylan and Lou Reed wouldn't be revered the way they are, if they were constantly trying to remake Harvest, Blood on the Tracks and Transformer. Those guys would just be down the same aisle way, the likes of Weezer and Kings of Leon hang around at. Sure maybe some of that stuff is good, but it isn't anything to write home about.

Not to get all New Aged Hippie on you all, but in Secret Language of Relationships and Birthdays, I am born under the Cusp of Oscillation. Without getting into too much detail, the key to my existence is finding balance. Emotionally, occupationally, spiritually etc. And that really goes for everyone too, me being born under that sign doesn't make me anymore special than the next person. Without balance, we as a people are so screwed beyond measure, it's startling.

For me, as a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, I need to find balance. And through that acceptance, which is something you hear everyday in meetings. One to have a fruitful existence must accept the things we can't change and find the courage to change what we can.

So as I write this to you all, I'm in hopes that this little nugget of shared truth is one more step of progress. Because in the past, in this instance, I would be doing everything I can to find a fix and then live out the rest of my day numb, and sitting like a sardonic bump on a log. We have to stay in motion, even if it's just our thumbs in front of a brightly lit screen, writing down our thoughts and emotions like a little 2000s emo boy. Because progress is progress, take it wherever you can get it.

If you don't, life can become something a lot like what Ferris Bueller said, missed. And I've missed a lot my dude.

Too much!

So although, I'm still laying in bed writing to you all, or really myself, I'm at least taking the time to think this all out and learn something. Sometimes you gotta learn from your own actions.

Perhaps I'm meandering around at this point of thought. At any case, I feel better, for now anyway. And as I've said before, that's all you can do, is live in the moment truthfully and correctly.

If I don't see you again today, have a good one.

With love

Newton