#i'm thinking abt life again n how beautiful it is. of all its possibilities n of all the connections n meaning we make

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #9 !! 💗💐🎀

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ a summary of july 2022! moving into august ☀️✨🌷 ⊹ɞ

hellwo diary ( ^ω^ ) !!! is been 🐝 such a long time since im write… 📝 but a lot hav happen, good n bad ): is figure i should tell u dwiary, cos i wanna tell u all my progress despite high n low. so here i go, diary! ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ ) 💕

tw vent // vent regression // sorta big talk abt relationships + tw trauma

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so diary, how u doin love? 💗 is been long time since im wrote but im figure that im want to tackle my ocd n get back into writing diary log again. becos my ocd make me feel like doing this is a chore, even though i do really really like writing da logs (is just getting started and having da motivates dats difficult )): ) /ᐠ - ˕ -マ Ⳋ

im havent wrote a diary logs sinc june, so m should talks about my summer vacation 🏖 n how is been so far, yes?! :3 yes.

right now im listening to dance of the moonlight jellies from stardew valley cos dat soundtrack reallllyyy help w sleepins. :D it makin me all smol n sleepy jus by listening to it hehe >_< my eyes half shut while writing this eeek

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

so les go back in time. da last time dat i wrote a diary log was june 14th, n m finish school'd at june 26th! i tink. only ting is, im had a few extra days becos >_< im really struggle 2 finish my art projects 🎨 . in dat time, i half-way finished painting my clay sculpture and finished my ferris wheel glass mosaic. the art projeckt im da proud of da most however, is my assemblage that i finished back in april or may ish. 🖌

---- the talk of my assemblage sculpture involves tw: toxicity, abuse, punching bag/blame-shift, break ups ----

my idea for my assemblage was that id make it out of book pages, tissue paper, newspaper, ribbons, and construction paper, along with my poems.

the assemblage is in the shape of a bouquet, and i made paper roses with the book pages from thrifted hardcover books. (tw: trauma) the two hardcover books i picked were second life by s.j watson, and the tale of the body thief by anne rice. the reason why i chose both of those books was I. because of the cool covers! and II. because of the titles. second life made sense to me when i thought more and more about who the bouquet was dedicated to, and the tale of the body thief has a more metaphorical sense of how i felt.

when talking with him, it was a long distance relationship. offline, id have a different, reserved life, a quiet individual, shy; but filled with knowledge. online, when i talked to him, id become bubbly, feisty, expressive, i wasnt shy. and in another sense, a second life; is a beginning, a new, and rebirth. have you ever wanted to restart your life and perhaps be a different person? i planned to move to where he lived and start a new there. to have a chance to re-meet myself.

the title 'the tale of the body thief' is how i sort of felt, in that relationship. eye-candy. a pretty figure. when i left, it was like a part of me left with him; one that i'd never redeem or get back, and partly, what i'm still trying to find. when people tear you down so much, its hard to look at certain parts of your body, appearance of personality and not have their perspective stained on it.

i was beautiful but i was tainted. and he in my eyes, would always stay as beautiful as possible. nothing could ever rupture his beauty or change how id think, because in my eyes, he was mine and he was the one for me. despite all the compromising i had to do, the pain i went through and the tears i shed, back then, i whole-heartedly believed that he would be my end game.

nevertheless, i was glad that my mind was changed from his actions. when he took out his anger on me for something that wasn't my fault, (such as him using a slur he couldn't reclaim and then, saying that the joke was that people take things 'out of context' ; as in me, taking what he said and 'switching it up',) and blamed it on me, and said that i was being overly-sensitive, i knew it was time to go. it's like when you use to love someone for their sensitivity, but then that same vulnerability and emotional-touch becomes something you fall out of love with, and thats what i figured with him. his rash and passive-aggressive reactions to me showed that he wasn't good intentioned, or at least, as much as he appeared to be, and i hated being a punching bag. i always spoke that being a punching bag was the one thing i hated the most, and he just took out his pain on me. would you take out pain on someone you loved? no, you wouldn't. why would you ever want to do that?

i was glad that i stood up for myself and tried to shed some light on his pain while still keeping my ground, to drop him and leave him in the dust. however, throughout july, i definitely talked to him a few times because i thought that he would be the only one comfortable about my age-regression. this definitely wasn't a good mix because i got ticked by 7 things he did and somethings he said about my stuffie (how frickin' dare u.), and it was a impulsive decision to try and stop talking to him once i realized that these 'amends' that he spoke of weren't in my favour. they weren't catered to me as i wished. so he's out of my life completely now, and definitely for the better.

quite simply, it wasn't as picture perfect in my mind as i wanted it to be. there were times in july where big me would walk outside late at night on the road, recklessly, and in the brink of tears, trying to call somebody --- him --- in hopes that he'd answer and listen to me vent. that ended quite quickly, but ill never forget screaming, laying down at the park's field, staring at the sky, looking at all of the pretty, twinkling stars and and crying, revealing to him traumas that i now, deeply regret telling, as i dont think he should've known those things. i think that someone else who's much more emotionally mature and supportive, would be someone to turn to. someone i trusted.

i named the assemblage 'everything i didn't say', because the poems revealed my perspective. how it felt in my eyes to be mistreated. when he was apologising profusely to me, we talked about his perspective a lot, and he revealed his one conflict ; which was him being jealous of me. this was.. absolutely crazy to me. though i understood it. he however, didn't understand my side. didn't see what it felt, really, in my words, to be at the wraith of his venom.

the assemblage is a bouquet because bouquets can be given for - almost any occasion. a sympathy gift, a romantic gesture, a platonic bit of sweetness, something you give to your mother or father or anyone, bouquets are the way to go. mine is a departure gift. my last wits and fights.

its a refreshing start to have him completely out of my life. <3

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here are some notable things that happened during + after june 14th! ✨

june 14th: i found a hello kitty greeting card at the bwookstore and bought m'self a custom starbucks drink !!

june 16th: i wore one of my faveeee outfits, my white corsety top n my black aerie leggings, and a funny ting happen in art class. basickly, da ceiling cavin' in cos of a plumbing leak but is was super funny n gross at da same time cos ewwieeee plumbing but funni have put down garbage bin on the tables n stuff. m also had a not so good lunch dat day but i gots photo of it n it look sorta funny. 3 granola bar, a fibre one and oreos cos i forgo pack.

june 18th: m got reeces pieces blizzard from dq!! omnumnum :3, i made a pancake moodboooarrd 2!

june 19th: i made maself pancake at 10pm n it was supa dupa delicious, m did my makeup for eyes n really felt suppa pwretty !

june 20th: m had yummy dinner of chickin nugget w mayo (m fave kind of sauce) n a big ol salad dat was deliciousss. m also made letters to all of my internship employees becos im was departing.

june 21st: last day o' school. m wore my black aerie legging, black crop tee n brough a lil baggie w da letters in dem. on june 21st m also bought maself this beauuutwiful pink dress dat made me feel soooo confident n prwetty in.

june 23rd: instructional support day for ma school, did schoolworks of m art stuff. talked to a classmate who im din think would talk 2 me >_< june 23rd m also went to supermarket n bought a bunnnch of pink stuff!! :D n yum yum yummy swiss roll mmm.

june 24th: m last day of doing instructionals!!! school o' out!!!

june 26th: wasnt feelin so good m went on walk )): saw pretty neighbourhood doe!!! ((:

june 29th: went to da mall allllll by meself n felt so pretty n so confident n so happy on my own. <3 m got compliment crazy by strangers but felt so in my own skin ^-^. m went on bus home 2!!!

july 2nd: m had yummy chicken nugget n a big mac for dinner whic is kindaaa rare so i was really happi :D m also fall alseepi on couch w my cat roscoe <3

july 8th: went to oceans grocery store! got lots o delicious snackies <3 like these fish chocolate wafer thingys mmm, basically a wafer in da shape of a fish w like aero ish chocolate inside, n it was only $1.5 ish!!

july 11th ?: talked to one friend briefly cos i had an all-nighter n they did too hehe

july 12th: completely glowed up, did leg workout, went for a morning walk, yoga, n then later in the day m took a lottta photos of m w my bear blacky :D lov him.

july 17th: went to east side marios w my sister n mom for my sisters grad!

july 19th: my online package came in!!! for all my pink stuff :O m got a pink themeed lanyard w a cute gold heart metal keychain thingy, a turtleneck white ruched hello kitty dress, press on nails, a white lace tank top, two new phone cases, some stuffs for my makeup, 2 makeup bags (one clear w gold zipper n the other pink!!!) a pink scrunchie n pink socks, necklaces n rings, and a pink cosmetic mirror to attach to my lanyard! i tink around dis time m' also met a new friend (Y) n he was really nice n comforting n he made me feel cared for! from july 19 ish to now, m had hungout w him a lil bit <3 but day later felt anxious on whether first new friend (Y) hated me T_T due to m social anxiety

july 22: went to chatime for some ywummy boba twee! m got my faveee drink. dis my go-to, is the matcha strawberry latte with grass jelly, 100% sugar, normal ice n a size regular <3 yum yum yum! wuv it. m also watched light year w ma one friend (Y) n he din mind dat i had blankie or dat i thought light year was originally lightning mcqueen hehe, he comfort me when i started crying cos stuff in the movie, n he headpat m' n we took da ''to infinity beyond'' tingy n do it now wheneve we say bye bye to each-other! <3

july 25th: went 2 grocery storeee for m smol snackrun for chippies n popcorn cos popcorn m' faveeee n saw my middle school teacher <_&lt; ahhhhhh eek

july 27th: felt really unappreciated in my home ))): was a really sad day w anxiety.

july 29th: got shawarma take out n it was wooohh DELICIOUS!!! om nom nom! but very same night m felt very sad ))):

july 30th - 31st: felt really sad again ): so went to childhood playground 4 primary school n sat on benches n sang for a lil bit

from august 1st to august 8th? 'm had my moon n it was very stressful and anxiety inducing ):

august 5th: m went to hangout w my friend, went kinda weird becos one friend wasnt 'really' dere, but da other friend was so indulged in conversation w/ me and it made me feel so included and happy! we went to this pho place, chatime (i din get boba dis time doe), value village and this antique place w/ a bunch of cool stuffs. m got this pink y2k heart baby tee from the kid section and it felt amazing to buy it! i also felt like a barbie wearing my whole pink outfit n i got a bunch of compliments!

august 6th: had a super pretty outfit 4 the symnpthony thing i going to, m was wearing this really pretty white corset-y top, black slack/trousers (like aritiza agency pant), my nude heels, n a black blazer!!! m loved the symphony n got tons of nightlife skyscraper/building photos on the way home n was really happy n had lots of fun, and also had maccas! 'm had junior chicken ^_^

august 7th: went on a snack run w my sister n bought sum bananas

'm tink that this diary log is getting reallllyy long omg, but 'm gonna write my aug 10, 11, and 12th log! my summer has been.. w a lot of up and down tbh S: n quite lonely, but now dat im got new friends, m began to talk n open up to old friends again in hopes to try and conquer my ocd (cos it makes it extra difficult w friendships )): rocd wise) if u spent ur time rweading all of dis, thank u so muchh. <3 please hav good rest of ur day or night or aftanoon! :D

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx