#i've drawn more in the past week than in the past 6 months. this isn't going to last.

[minticecodes]

An indulgent mega man zero + digimon AU.

The partnerships are:

Ciel + Zero (Guilmon X)

I didn't draw her with goggles here, but she has them. She uses a visor while researching "digital phenomena."

Unlike the regular Guilmon line, Guilmon Xs' digital hazards are sealed thanks to the X-antibody.

Elpizo + X (Patamon)

Elpizo pushes X to digivolve and become more powerful, while X tries to get him to calm down.

Neige + Craft (Grapleomon) are a different kind of partners.

Neige's a journalist chasing rumours of a secret government division. She's also looking for her old friend--though she can't remember his name or what he looks like. Meanwhile, Craft wants her to stay far away from what he's up to.

More long, rambly (subject to change) plot stuff under the cut:

The secret government division (basically a cross of DATS and Hypnos) has been researching the 'chosen child' phenomena. Wouldn't it be useful, to harness the ability to control powerful monsters? Particularly if you wanted to exterminate this parallel world full of walking nukes, thinks Director Weil.

Ciel either knows exactly what's happening or has men in black style amnesia to stop her from forming a resistance too early. In both options she has a creeping sense of dread/guilt that she's done something terrible and left someone behind.

Zero definitely has amnesia. Ciel first finds him as a hurt Gigimon, plopped out of her computer when she wishes to be stronger to protect others.

//

Arc 1: Involves Ciel and Zero getting used to a partnership as monsters start appearing in Arcadia city

Half of these encounters are solved without violence. Most digimon are fleeing to the human world for safety--only some elites are seeking to harm humans. Ciel ends up creating a network of digimon in hiding.

T.K. Thoreewon (but much prefers 'Elpizo') is Ciel's lancer, and he's far more ruthless than her. He doesn't have a digimon partner though, despite how he wants to help out in battles.

Occasionally after each battle they catch glimpses of a flickering angel, who repeats the message "stop me."

They eventually do, tracking down the vengeful Holyangemon who's been driving digimon to flee the digital world to escape his reign.

Curiously, Holyangemon (previously Seraphimon X) was once known for his peaceful policies and caring nature. He was one of the few leaders left after a nightmareish red dragon tore apart the world. But citizens whisper he changed after he left for the final battle to seal away that dragon--not just that he lost his X-antibody and dropped down a level. However, no one saw the old human escaping the scene that day when his monster was defeated.

Ciel, meanwhile, has a terrible sense of recognition when she sees Holyangemon's control ring.

Arc 2 involves investigating cases of missing digimon. Ciel has a theory it's humans--though others report a lion general doing the dirty work. At the same time, Elpizo's new partner Patamon rings deja vu...

[a-bishvare]

✧ Loner Page ✧ pt.1

Hey, hey - welcome! Here, I'm back with the series I promised to post.

And well, I've got none better idea for the title so... 👾 It is what it is ╮⁠(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠╭.

Me when the when the.

Just to remind, it's going to be a series of something like sketchbook tour, but hell yeah I do have over 7 sketchbooks so~ (I mean. None of them is totally finished, there some pages in each that just aren't fully filled and in the latest ones there are the empty ones. ¯⁠\⁠(⁠◉⁠‿⁠◉⁠)⁠/⁠¯)

Anyway, it's gonna be

💥Fun🎉

Okay let's start form the beginning, read it - the first official sketchbook, I started it in early October 2021. It's called "1/6"

Yeah my ✨creativity✨

And that's how the cover looks like. This one isn't a brand sketchbook idk just a simple notebook with white pages.

(I think the rose - on the cover - was for my Maths teacher for the Teacher's Day, it was definitely drawn at school. I adore her so much, she made this subject my freaking passion when I was in the primary school. I still like Math so much but.. in high school... well I have different teacher and the subject itself is harder here. It kinda sucks. It was the only thing I enjoyed in school and now, now nothing is fun about this hell.)

Let's see~ what's inside~~

(I'm not gonna show some pages cuz. I simply don't waNT TO.)

Sooo~ that was drawn at my Polish classes (and yes I'm from Poland uwu). Since we finished all exercises the teacher told us to draw the iconic manor from our school lecture called "Pan Tadeusz" by A. Mickiewicz (it may sound strange for some of my fellows but I actually DO like this writer's work. Idk I always understood his poetry etc. wth is wrong with people). And well, my Polish teacher knew about my hobby and appreciated my TaLeNt so she liked it as always. Also, on some auction (it was for charity) she bought my another painting (inspired by this lecture too) and I made it a month later than this above. You can see it here.

Right up here (as you can see cause it's written) an outfit (Seulgi's) from the Music Video "Monster" by Irene and Seulgi from Red Velvet. I used to have a little obsession with Red Velvet' music back in October 2021 (I still love them 💗) like "Psycho", "Peek-a-boo" and ofc "Monster". Such a Halloween vibe. 🎃

This one is a sketch of an outfit that I used for my mom's portrait (she has birthday in October also). Please ignore the title on the picture ʕ⁠ノ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠ノ⁠ ⁠︵⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻. I was never good at English but as I had written some days ago that thanks to my 10 h per week of this language now I'm a master compared to me in the past 💥. This dress was inspired by Pinterest ofc.

So, the last one are a.. fanarts?? that I've made while thinking of some movie idea and the characters above were inspired by Red Velvet members. These girls are sth like ghosts idk, they were supposed to be main (hidden) antagonists in my "imaginary" scenario. It was meant to be an horror movie inspired by "Peek-a-boo" Music Video and the cannibals motive. Could've be good actually..

Well, we're enough for today. (I had no idea that there's a limit of pictures in one post here to be honest 👾) That's it for this part, I think I wrote all about those pictures and that I didn't forGOT ABOUT ANYTHIN-

Thanks for those who even liked this and even more for those who actually READ EVERYTHING.

Hope somebody will even see this 🦇

Y'all, have a g'day, I'll be back with the next parts soon 💗 Adios 💥

(artwork from October 2021) ☕👽✌🏻

[sunball]

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR PERSON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW + A MESSAGE FROM THEM

𖦹 this reading includes what is going on in your person’s life right now, what they (or their higher self) want to say to you at this moment and songs they'd like to give you. this reading is more about your future spouse or your future partner, someone who you may not be in contact with but you're curious about what they're doing.

𖦹 so there will be two paragraphs for each pile (what your person is doing and what they want to say to you). you can choose more than one pile. ex: pile 1 for what your person is doing and pile 2 for the message.

𖦹 how does this work? close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you.

𖦹 take what resonates.

THE PILES

PILE 01

now playing:

now playing:

pile 01's songs

THEIR LIFE

hello pile 01, welcome to your reading. I'm getting a lot of fire energy here, especially leo. I'm hearing Leo in 1st and 10th house, aries in 8th house, aries mars, mars in 10th house and also Venus in 2nd and 3rd house. I'm also getting gemini and capricorn. capricorn mars, aquarius venus. If these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's placements. or perhaps, those are their transits. I feel a lot of confident energy from your person, I think they are at a good place right now. Your person has been betrayed and heartbroken quite recently but I feel like they're not trying to let that get to them. they're keeping their head high, focusing on their goals and working really hard. the pain motivated them to work hard, maybe as a way to get revenge? In their head, they may think that if they work hard, they can show off their success to the person that broke them like "hey, look at me now!". for some others, it's possible that they're working really hard because the work distracts them from the pain and the situation. they're acting like the pain isn't affecting them, I'm seeing them just laughing and hanging out with a group of people (their friends?) acting like theyre not dealing with any problems. your person is definitely at a period of time where work is only on their mind, they're hungry for success. success is the only thing your person is heading towards, it's the only direction they see. love isn't on your person's mind at all so I doubt that you've crossed their mind. but little do they know, the direction that they're heading towards will also lead them to you. your person may have travelled somewhere recently or maybe they're thinking of travelling somewhere else. there is change on the horizon for your person, maybe they will be promoted soon or moving countries, going to university, etc. they are so ambitious. I'm seeing piles of paper on desks, papers stuck on walls with dates and notes on them and also quotes. motivational quotes perhaps. your person is also working out, they could be getting up quite early. 6 am? I'm getting mad mars in 6th house vibes from your person. they're feeling burnt out, they have so much on their plate but they're not stopping anytime soon because they like it and also because they have no choice. they're also taking many responsibilities, I'm hearing house chores, work and looking after their parents or siblings. your person could be a student, a business person or they could work in an office. they're organizing their workspace and keeping track of their schedule, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. laziness is not in your person's vocabulary!

THEIR MESSAGE

you know, I am so busy right now. I'm too exhausted to even think about love, to think about you. I don't think about it anymore unlike before. I know at times you feel like we're nowhere close and you doubt my existence because of how distant I feel and I'm sorry. It is partially true, we're nowhere close to eachother and we're both individual human beings. let's live in the present and experience things and meet new people without having to think about eachother. I don't feel right about thinking of the future and just hoping for something to happen, hoping to just end up with someone like you. It doesn't feel right. I need to do something, I need to take action. that's exactly what I'm doing now. It gives me a sense of stability knowing that I'm taking action and there's a high possibility of my dreams coming true. I've promised myself that I won't stop working until I've achieved everything. I can't do all of this by myself, I need your help too. I'm asking you a favour, do your part. I'm doing mine. work hard and don't slack off. I'm sorry again for sounding cold, I'm not like this on a daily basis. I'm just really tired. I need to get my point across. don't slack off. please. I'll keep saying that. oh, that reminds me. at times I will definitely sound like a teacher or a boss, it's just a habit I got from work. It's not my intention to make you feel stupid, I know you're smart. I wanted you to know that because I don't want you to think I'm generally a cold person. I'm not. when tarot readers or psychics or astrologers or whoever says that I'm cold, they only mean when I'm at work or when I'm busy or serious. I would never be like that to someone I love, especially you. truthfully speaking, you don't know much about me at all especially if you think I'm a cold person. that thought you have of me stops now. I'm guessing that you're curious about me now. I like to look neat and clean, I don't like bright colours, they look unprofessional. I hang out with my friends sometimes and we just have lunch at a café or a local restaurant. I'm on my computer a lot so my back always hurts but I'm doing exercises to help me with it. I have too many cookbooks that I don't use because I don’t have much time, I end up freestyling my food and cooking up some eggs. I need to get better at managing time. I don't like people that don't practice what they preach, it irritates me. now for my appearance. this, in no way is useful information that will help us in any way but I suppose I'll just tell you. I have a sharp nose, it's pointy and a little wide. I don't have any piercings. I don't have bangs. as for my eyes, they're brown and deep-set. my lips? they're just lips. you'll love them anyway so it doesn't matter. my hair? neat and brown. you'll love it too. that's enough. you can stop trying to get to know me now, leave that for when we meet. you can know me more yourself when the time comes, I like the process of getting to know someone and the effort someone puts into getting to know me. until then, keep working hard.

PILE 02

now playing:

pile 02's songs

THEIR LIFE

I’m getting cancer energy from the pile, also pisces and gemini and libra. I’m hearing cancer/pisces/ libra venus, venus in 5th/7th/12th house, pisces moon, mercury in 7th house, cancer in 2nd house, gemini rising. if these aren’t your placements then they’re most likely your person’s, if not then these may be their transits. right now I feel like your person is trying something new, especially a hobby. I’m getting ‘painting’ for some of you. for others, your person has started something new like a project or they moved to a new house, something like that. there’s this feeling of ‘newness’ in your person’s life right now. they have so much passion for whatever this ‘newness’ is. they’re excited for this change, they can’t wait to move to the next stage. I’m feeling a positive energy coming from your person. their creativity is flowing through their blood, they feel inspired and joyous. some of you may not like to hear this but your person may have gotten in a relationship with someone or they want to get into a relationship with someone. they have a crush. I feel like there’s still an important choice to be made and your person has waited such a long time for the next stage, the relationship stage. I feel like their crush or their partner isn’t showing them that much attention, it feels quite one sided (your person giving more), they’re doing so much for their crush/partner but I feel like your person isn’t seeing it right, they’re just so blinded. like a little kid when they have a crush. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, don’t worry, they’re your person for a reason. anyways for others of you, I’m seeing your person listening to music while they’re doing their new hobby. painting is coming really strong, I’m seeing an easel. If it’s not a hobby then your person is feeling in love, whether it be a person or something else. their head is in the clouds, they’re listening to love songs, feeling so inspired by everything around them. love and venus themes is really important in your person’s life right now. If you’ve been listening to love songs recently or if you just feel all lovey-dovey, it’s most likely because of your person, you’re connected to your person. or if you feel inspired out of nowhere, it’s probably because of your person too. I just felt like I had to let you know that. sooner or later though, your person will realise that the relationship is one sided and they will give up on it. this will hit your person really hard, it will be a hard lesson for them. perhaps even the last lesson because I feel like your person has always done too much for people that don’t deserve their love. your person has experienced a lot and learnt many lessons except for this, when they learn this though, they will have learnt all the lessons. they can tick this off their box. I’m getting such wise Pisces vibes from them. for lots of you, your person is already in the 'realisation' stage and there's about to be a change in their life.

THEIR MESSAGE

It’s been challenging these days, maybe even these past few weeks and maybe even months too. It’s fine though, I can get through it. you don’t have to worry about me. I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen soon, disappointments? I’m not surprised, I’ve been so stuck in my own head. I don’t know why I keep giving people more. so stupid of me. maybe it’s not my fault? maybe it’s their fault for giving less, who knows. I don’t know how to stop. why do I do this? I keep getting disappointed over and over again, I’m starting to not have hope anymore. despite this, I still think love is beautiful. with the right person. love is not only limited to romantic love though, which is what I’ve learnt recently. I’ve been so fixated on romantic relationships that I’ve forgotten about the beautiful things around me. surprisingly, there’s love everywhere. do you know what I love? I love the stars, I love flat white coffee, I love the smell of fresh grass, I love nature and the sun, I love dogs (especially small dogs) and I love experiences. experiences that shape me into a better person, painful or not, I love those. not to sound masochistic – but I love pain. I learn from pain. love has always been painful for me but I’m still giving people my all, wrong people to be precise. Is that why I keep falling for people that don’t care about me? because I love getting hurt? now that I’ve thought of it, it sounds terrible. I need to fix that. I feel embarrassed now that you know this, please don’t shake your head. I will fix it. I want this cycle to end. don’t be worried about me. you should continue living your life, there’s yet so much you can experience. places to go, new people to meet, new activities to do. so much. I’d love to experience so many things with you. do you like road trips? I’d love to go on a picnic date too, does stargazing sound good? we could travel around the world, that’s on my bucket list. so many ideas but there’s still so much distance and time between us. I feel excited thinking about it, I want to do so much right now and experience so many things. by the time we meet, I might already have a long white beard because I’ll be so wise *laughs*. who knows, white hair does look awesome. I think it might suit me actually. on a serious note, I want you to know that you should not be afraid to try new things. don't be afraid of change. regret is scarier than change, staying in the same place and not growing is scarier than change. you may lose something good but what if you gain something even better? I’ll be there for you every step of the way, I’m always there for you even though I’m not there with you physically. do you feel me? I’m so proud of you. If you see an opportunity, take it or you’ll regret it later. don’t be afraid of saying no or saying yes, you deserve to be heard, assert your dominance *laughs*. I love you, take care of yourself. you can do it. [:

PILE 03

now playing:

pile 03's songs

THEIR LIFE

I'm getting mutable and fixed energy here, especially scorpio, virgo, leo, sagittarius. maybe scorpio rising and sagittarius rising with pluto in 1st house. I'm hearing saturn in 8th house, saturn in 22°, scorpio sun or moon aspecting saturn, pluto and sun or moon sitting in the same house. if these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's. these could be their transits too. your person is going through a transformation, something had recently happened in their life that has caused this transformation. I'm thinking it's death, a death of a loved one like a family member, a friend or a pet. someone close to them. If it's not a death of a loved one then it's a death of a cycle, a death of a job, a relationship, something like that. something that came to an end. it's affecting your person badly and they feel so much guilt. they're missing and mourning over whatever this is. they're pessimistic, they feel like the whole world is against them and that their would turned upside down. they have no hope anymore, they're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing that image of Yuu Otasaka from the anime Charlotte. I think your person is exactly like that right now. depressed. I see tissues, dark rooms and hoodies and blankets. also gaming for a number of you (interesting how the picture you chose is a picture of keys). they're going through it right now and they need support. your person is not communicating with many people or interacting with anyone at all, they're pushing people away. looking at the picture of the pile you chose, I realised it says "wish you were here". now this could mean that they wish that the person they lost were still with them or they wish that someone could come and support them or comfort them, or for a few amount of you, this could be meaning you. they wish you were there with them. however, I don't think love is a thought that comes in their mind in this period of time. it's more like, they're screaming into a void wishing someone could hear them, not directly meaning you. for others of you, I'm getting a different situation. your person may have gotten fired or they tried something but it didn't work out and they had so much hope for it. they badly wanted it to work out and now your person is feeling disappointed in themselves, like someone just ripped away something really valuable to them. your person doesn't know that the reason this, whatever this is, didn't work out is because it wasn't meant to. It's not part of their divine plan. It honestly saved your person from future problems but they don't know that. It's a blessing in disguise. I'm strongly feeling it's something related to their job or maybe love, 'right place, wrong time' is what I'm hearing. your person is blaming themselves for it all, thinking it was because of time, lack of planning or they didn't try hard enough. It isn't true, they should be easy on themselves.

THEIR MESSAGE

I don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying much. why do you want to know anyway? do you care? am I interesting? I'm not all that special, you know. here I go again, making sh*t sad. I'll try and make this light-hearted as possible because you shouldn't see this side of me, not so soon. not like this. *silence* I'll start off by saying that you can't control whatever life throws at you. but you can control your reactions and how you deal with it. I'm not doing very well, not dealing with it the way I usually do. It hit me hard and I don't like being sad like this and not doing anything, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not finding joy in the things I love doing. I hate this f*cking feeling and the way I'm dealing with it. I heard that you should let yourself feel everything once in a while. I'm f*cking feeling everything alright. why did I not let myself feel before? now it's all consuming me. all of my problems and emotions, this darkness inside of me, erupting. I regret this. I regret acting like I was fine before, finding distractions. now I know that being distracted doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone, the problem is still there. don't do what I did. let yourself feel. or it will all build up and eat you alive. you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad, god no. definitely not like this. but if being sad will help you then that's certainly fine by me, just don't act like you're fine. that will hurt me much more. just do what I say. showing emotions is not a sign of weakness. look at me, I'm so f*cked up because of not thinking that. this feeling will go away, right? right. If you need to let it all out, do it. I can feel your sadness, the nights you cried, I felt them. those tears of yours, I want to wipe them away but I'm not there. it sucks. I need you here. I need a good f*cking hug right now. I want you to be happy but I don't know how. I'd do anything to see that smile of yours. that precious smile that I have yet to see. I know it's precious. listen to me. I need you. I need you to stay strong. you're so strong and much more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am so in awe. your strength gives me energy, you give me energy. you're the light of my life. I hope our kids will be as beautiful and as amazing as you. I'm glad I was given the chance to talk to you like this. I love you, sunshine.

[crawling-out-look-peer-be]

I saw the mystery machine!

I have decided that I need to restart my weight loss efforts. I need to reset the way that I've been looking at it.

I have, what seems to be like, a reverse body dysmorphia. 🤔 I tend to see my body as smaller than what it is, especially at home when looking in the mirror or the days that I'm working out, but when I see photos of me or see other women I am, sometimes, made acutely aware that I am not as well in shape as I perceive.

It shatters me.

I know from previous journal entries of mine, offline, that I have a consistent trend of delusions of grandeur, especially with regards to beauty and status. I may actually be sabotaging myself because of those ideas, as they contradict what my current life is like. Reality is hard for me to wrestle with.

Even my goals become warped beneath those grand imaginings. I simultaneously want the most gorgeous goddess like body, full figured, while also wanting to be thin and smooth, while also wanting to be muscular and strong, while also wanting to be a man. In the end, I dream of each scenario because I associate a status of a beautiful appearance, or a powerful appearance, as highly regarded. That associates with being better than other people, so I am then admired, respected, and valuable enough that people gawk over me or worship me.

Which isn't going to happen, lol.

And, even if it did, I know from my previous experiences of receiving praise for good work, I am left hallow because I am not treated like a diety.

This goes so far into the deep end that my weight and physical appearance is an expression of my deep psyche and I am always in an uphill battle with it.

If I were to be frank, I would like to be on the larger side, for feelings of safety. I do admire a built physique in the way that I am able to serve people by being strong, lifting things for them or aiding in daily activities and supporting their weight. I do imagine more of a lumberjack sitting by the fire after a long day of work, with obvious musculature to arms, chest, back, and legs, with a light in the eyes and a warm friendliness akin to Santa Claus. I do feel drawn to that in the most humble of senses.

My therapist spoke about how everything that I want could be true. I don't have to feel like I am one or the other, but that I do want all of these experiences. It is now my job to make a choice with all of the things that I want.

Sitting here, pondering and placing the phone down, I just want the best that my body can be. Thinner overall. Stronger overall. Mobile. Good endurance. Ya know, just functional.

So, I am currently at 239lbs.

I have a primary goal of reaching below 200. I would like to see 199lbs.

So, the first bit will be aiming to lose 40lbs.

My BMR is, currently, 1,825 calories.

My sedentary is 2,190

Light activity is 2,509

And moderate is 2,829.

I have been consistently working out 6 days a week since the end of January, I sometimes miss my sixth day, and do a weightlifting session with a WOD at the end. This is a great success and most of my lifts have increased. My physique from the last time I was around 240 does not look similar to where I am now. Past 220lbs me looks like current 239lbs me, which is kind of crazy!

Anyways, that would probably fit me in the light to moderate activity bracket.

So, if I aim for 2,000 calories a day, then I will be set up for 1lbs weight loss a week. 😀

This means that I should reach 199lbs by March 3rd, 2023.

This is both inspiring and disappointing. Lmao. I am excited to lose this weight, the fat, and if I am going to lose it in 10 months, then so be it. It is better for it to come off in 10 months than me giving up because it was too hard. Plus, the results are inevitable. 🤷‍♀️ I just gotta work hard and keep going on.

I will weigh myself once a month. Even though I don't want to adhere to this, I think that once a month will more accurately track an overarching trend and will not enable me weasling out of the goal of less food consumption by rationalizing that I lost weight though! See! Food doesn't make me fat!

Yes it does. And when I'm having a bad day, that thought is enough for me to eat poorly.

Okay. So it's settled. March 3rd, 2023, I will be 199lbs.