#i've spent ages thinking abt you pointing out that part of the post and like

[cistematicchaos]

ID: a post by @ / myceliumgirl from Sep 16th, 2022 reading:

"Call it solidarity, call it the evolutionary drive towards mutual aid, call it friendship, call it camraderie, call it community. Call it whatever you want, but understand that it is love."

I love this post. It's poetry, it's beautiful and it's true to me. But I also think a lot about how (I think it was) @jacuzziwaters who pointed out that the last part of it doesn't apply to plenty of us. Like, obviously, all of these things are connected and it's glorious, but your foundation for these things doesn't have to be love, love doesn't even have to be part of the picture.

I know the idea of loveless connections, relationships, ect is just completely unfathomable to some people but they're here. They exist and they're beautiful and important too.

Obviously, solidarity/community/ect can be shitty as well, falling into abusive structures and patterns and/or existing solely for bigoted reasons but if we're gonna acknowledge their beauty, I think it's definitely worth pointing out love isn't what makes these remarkable. Or rather, it doesn't have to be love; there is beauty in these connections alone, in community dedicated toward taking care of its own. Loveless relationships/connections prove that all the time and deserve the acknowledge for it, honestly.

[sunsetsover]

it's my 25th birthday tomorrow and tbh the last few years i've dreaded my birthday bc i've hated the thought of getting older but honestly i think i'm at the most peace both about my birthday and in general that i've ever been. n it's weird bc i'm not necessarily happy w where i'm at in life or my circumstances or whatever but like inside... i'm just a lot more at peace. i've done a lot of reflecting and learning and healing this past year and i've worked hard to change my mindset to be kinder and more positive and i think this is the first time on my birthday where i can look back and be like yeah... i'm not the same person i was a year ago and i'm happy about that. i'm proud.

idk i have a weird relationship with being an adult and i still have a lot of maturing and growing up to do i think but over the past few months i've kept hearing this repeating idea from older people of them not aging internally and not recognizing their old body in the mirror bc they still feel like they're in their 20s and it's made me realize that like... this is it. this is who i am. the core of who i am as a person is set u know... like clay... like yeah i can sand parts down or paint it or whatever but the clay itself is set and any change from here on out has to come from me. and i think over this past year i've been coming to that realization tbh like... i spent years and years being cruel to myself and my body and unkind and angry and pessimistic and at some point some part inside me was just like.... ok this isn't working nothing is changing nothing is getting better so what do we do now.... and then i waited for a change but it never came so then it was like oh i have to do this.... i have to change... and i still have a long long way to go i have my entire life to go i think but i HAVE changed for the better and you know what? it feels nice to talk to yourself with kindness and patience and have genuine optimism after you've spent your whole life being a bitch to yourself ... i don't wanna make life harder for her she's already had it hard enough she deserves love and kindness and happiness

and idk i don't think i'm necessarily someone that 15 year old me would be proud of actually i think i'm becoming someone 15 year old me would find incredibly annoying but that's alright bc she has a LOT of shit she's dealing with so i forgive her. and at the end of the day she couldn't even imagine me making it to 25 so to her i'm essentially a miracle and tbh the fact that i AM here does feel like a miracle so i'm proud. i'm proud of her for getting through the shit she got thru bc tbh what she went thru is completely unfathomable to me as an adult 10 years later like i don't think i could be as strong now as she was then.... so yeah i AM proud of me for not giving up on her

going forward into my 25th year and beyond that i will be kinder and more patient with myself first and foremost. second comes the rest of the world. i will always lead with my heart and with love. i will continue to learn and continue to heal. i will make peace with the things i haven't managed to yet. i will be better to the people in my life and i will prosper bitch !!! and i say will and not hope bc i'm manifesting it but also i'm going to work at it like i have been. tbh hoping shit would change didn't change shit. and anyway it's a 7 year for me which is also my lucky number so we know it's abt to go crazy !!!!

i've never made a post like this on my birthday before but i've also never felt like i've changed as much as i have this past year. i just felt like i needed to reflect and process u know... say thank u to the crazy bitch i've been.... i love her more than anyone

but anyway moral of the story is if you knew me before 25 no you didn't <3