#ic || deuce || things have changed for me and that's ok

[nocturneprinciple]

||tagdump!||

[hornyliverpudlianputz]

QUESTIONS TAG.

I tag @dramaticmusicality because they are the only person I know who might do it. (You don’t have to if you don’t want)

I was tagged by @faerievampireelf so here goes!

last (1-5) drink - lemonade phone call - the local visitor’s center (it was for work) text msg - Yeah! song you listened to - “Don’t Be Cruel” - Elvis time you cried - Sometime last week I think, it was when I saw the post about the WWI soldiers standing in memorium of all the horses that died. ever..? (6-11) dated someone twice - I’ve never even dated someone once! kissed some1 and regretted it - Actually never kissed anyone either been cheated on - See question 6 (I’m aro/ace) lost some1 special - In the sense that the relationship changed and we drifted apart, yes. Otherwise no, not yet. been depressed - Not to my knowledge                                                       gotten drunk/thrown up - I don’t drink so no. (I have thrown up, but not because I was drunk lol.)

fav colors (12-14) Deep purple (not because of the band) The dark, almost black, blue the sky turns right after the sun sets A rich, wine red

in the last yr have you.. (15-21) made new friends/ mutuals - Yuppers fallen out of love - Still aro/ace over here. So no. laughed until you cried - Yeah lol. found out some1 was talking about you - No...unless y’all know something I don’t? met some1 who changed you - Not drastically, no found out who your friends are - I already knew? kissed some1 on your FB friends’ list - No. general (22-51) how many of your FB friends do you know irl - I don’t friend someone on Facebook unless I have met them, so all of them do you have any pets - Not currently. But I grew up with cats do you want to change your name - Not super happy with it, but no what did you do for your prev. birthday - I made cupcakes! what time did you wake up today - 6:55 AM what were you doing @ midnight last night - Pretty sure I was asleep at that point... what is something you can’t wait for - Love, Simon what’re you listening to atm - Technically nothing, but I now have “Smoke on the Water” stuck in my head from the color section have you ever talked to a person named Tom - Yes, yes I have something that’s getting on your nerves - America’s complete and utter political denial that we have a gun problem most visited site - Probably tumblr. Or YouTube hair color - reddish brown long/ short hair - medium-long do you have a crush on some1 - nope what do you like abt yourself - I empathize very easily with almost anyone. want any piercings - Hmmmm no blood type - A pos nicknames - Deuces, Bug 1 (from my college friends and my Dad, respectively) relationship status - Single baby! zodiac - Libra. Chinese zodiac is Rooster. pronoun(s) - she/her fav tv/ on-air shows - Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Speechless, Fresh Off The Boat, Shameless (Star Trek: Discovery too, but it’s on thin ice with me) tattoos? - None right now, but I’m gonna get some little ones on my arms soon! rightie or leftie - Rightie ever had surgery - Yes, dental surgery to shore up my lower gums piercings - Single ear piercings in my lobes sports - Swimming! (only one I’m good at) vacation - I went on a trip to England last summer that was technically career development but I had too much fun to consider it “for work”. trainers - I like kinda retro designs, so long as it’s something simple. But brand doesn’t matter. moar general (52-58) eating - Pasta!  drinking - Water i’m about to watch - M*A*S*H Season 4 Episode 1 (Welcome to Korea) waiting for - The summer when I will cut my hair off! want - “The Monkees” on DVD. Or a Monkees T-shirt. Or both. get married - Not planning on it career - Archivist. I love my job. which is better (59-65) hugs/kisses - Hugs only please lips/eyes - Eyes shorter/taller - Than me? I guess shorter? idk older/younger - I get along better with older nice arms/ stomach - Arms hookup/relationship - Relationship (platonic) troublemaker/hesitant - Hesitant, unless the troublemaking is accidental.

have you ever (66-75) kissed a stranger - No siree drank hard liquor - Yes, why do you think I don’t drink?                                  lost glasses - Don’t wear them myself                                                                    turned someone down - Yes. Unfortunately I’ve had to do that a number of times.                                                                                                                 sex on 1st date - AHAHAHAHAHA                                                                       broken a heart - Quite probably, yes. Never on purpose.                                had your heart broken - Yes, but not romantically                                         been arrested - Nyope                                                                                   cried when some1 died - Yes?! Who wouldn’t?!                                          fallen for a friend - No

do you believe in.. (76-81) yourself - Yes miracles - I believe in the possibility of miraculous things happening (Yes, that is lifted directly from “Angels in the Outfield” from 1994) love @ first sight - Sounds fake, but ok santa claus - I believe in what Santa Claus represents kiss on a 1st date - Not personally no, but I don’t see why not angels - Not biblically speaking, no other (82-85) best friend’s name - Erin eye color - blue/grey fav movie - Oh man, don’t make me pick. “The Princess Bride” fav actor - Right now probably Martin Freeman or Dylan O’Brien

[ironriots]

Yo Listen Up, Here’s The Story And Its LONG

about the past month or so i guess now of my thing with lizard brain has developed. for the.....worse?? better?? i genuinely do not fucking know at this point.

our december rendez-vous went passably, by which i mean he came round and we did the thing that we were thusfar agreed upon as why i keep him around. ofc after everything was finished we kind of laid around for a bit talking, like we usually do. 

one grievance i had brought to his attention on this particular occasion was that i’d gone so long without seeing him that i had almost forgotten the goddamn Sexual Curse he had put on me

to which he responded with that i would see him so often in january and february that i’d “get sick of him”. i reassured him that i had no interest in seeing him every day, but once a week i could probably stand.

fast forward a little bit into january, i text him asking what happened to “getting sick of you” and we made plans to “hang out” on a thursday, possibly involving alcohol iirc

as is customary, he ended up getting stuck at work, but asked if i was going to karaoke that night. i told him that it was my plan if he flaked on me, and asked why. he never responded.

for about two weeks he ghosted. again. the very act that got him onto such thin ice with me in the first place. i decided to cut my losses and let shit die the way it always did after he ghosted.

that might have worked when all i had done was kissed him once or twice, but last week began with a building mixture of vivid flashbacks, regret, and blinding rage. i decided that in order to cut my losses at this point, some form of closure would have to be reached.

last wednesday night i called him, under threat that either he would talk to me or i would tell his entire group of friends that we had been fucking, as i always suspected that i was being party to cheating, despite numerous reassurances to the contrary.

i asked him to come clean and tell me the truth. i wanted him to explain why he skirted around me when he fucked up like he was afraid of me. i wanted to know why he thought it was fine to do me like that over and over.

and honestly? i wish i had never asked.

because he did tell me the truth. and the truth was that he liked me more than he wanted to, because he’s convinced he would fuck it up if he tried to make it into anything more than what it was. he was afraid that people he knew would interfere, or that his own shit personality would turn me against him. he was nervous about navigating my relationship structure. he mentioned boy scout by name like he was jealous that i reserved my weekend free time for him, as i can’t see him during the week.

it is all fun and games until someone brings feelings into it. because i am the King of Feelings and to appeal knowingly or not, to my stupid, bleeding gay heart, will poison me. 

i cant just, be given that information and still be like “oh, well that’s too bad for you, deuces”.

thats it. i can’t cut him out. im so floored by the diametric opposition of my suspicions vs his that all i can do is sit down and smack myself in the head.

he asks me if he can take me out for coffee, and talk about it. i say yes.

he tries his best over thursday and friday to see me, but ofc he cant because he cant change his innate nature as an IDIOT (i have heard that this is a sagittarius thing)

but ofc by friday he’s so caught up and embarrassed and conflict-avoidant that he ghosts again and at this point im panicking. because now things are serious and i can’t just let him fall off the map on me after telling me that.

so i kind of spend the next 48 hours utterly restless, crying on and off, just like....a two day panic attack.

he finally answered me that night and i finally got to stop because he’s not avoiding me at least but like

im so tired. this is why i kept him at arm’s length. because i knew from the beginning that if shit got any kind of serious the amount of power he has over me will destroy me.

im ok tho. for now.