#icantfuckingdothisanymore

[nighttimeboi]

I AM SO TIRED OF LIVING

[imsodunwiththis]

ICANTFUCKINGDOTHISANYMORE

Good vibes only

[cats-first]

Icantfuckingdothisanymore

[recoveryisrough-blog]

Cutting used to keep me alive.

Now that it has been nearly a year without it,

I'm running out of reasons.

I could just relapse,

But how could I live with letting everyone down?

[nighttimeboi]

The feeling is unbearable.

I just want to rip my skin off.

The overwhelming feeling of discomfort, which takes over my body has become a daily occurrence now.

I used to be able to ignore it, but I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t know who I am or who I want to be.

I hate this confusion and I hate this physical feeling of disgust that consumes my body.

[nighttimeboi]

I thought things were going well until today

I got home and cried for the first time in a while, because I feel hurt and confused

You can’t say one thing and do another

You can’t not know what you want and then try and cuddle

Everything inside feels deflated and I wish I never let my guard down

[nighttimeboi]

IM FUCKIN SCARED

[nighttimeboi]

SWALLOW ME WHOLE

[nighttimeboi]

Every night, is one night closer.

How long can you really fake it until you make it?

How long can you lay in bed at night thinking the same things every night?

How long can you keep going in this cycle that you have tried again and again to break?

Thunder clouds follow you and no matter how far you run, you can’t get into the sunlight.

I lay at night day dreaming of the white void, the unknown.

This life, it ain’t all what it’s cracked up to be.

Here I lay once again at night, typing my thoughts out into somewhat poetic words.

Not for a big deep meaning.

I just can’t handle it all in my head alone anymore.

No one will see this, but at least it’s out there.

I am trying, I’m just running out of power.

[nighttimeboi]

IT HURTS

I’m back here again,

The cycle has looped.

All on my own,

No one to talk to.

People have noticed,

But no one says a word.

I can’t believe I’m back here,

But at the same time it never left.

The constant reminder,

The constant thought,

The constant obsession.

It’s so easy to keep a secret,

It’s so easy to hide.

Stubborness consumes me,

Willpower drives me.

I am okay,

I am alright.

The cycle keeps looping,

And maybe I should just be content.

Accept my lack of happiness,

Accept the bad things and struggles I will always carry.

It’s ashame I can’t talk about this one.

I do want help.

I can’t talk tho.

The only person I want to open up to is miles away and years behind.

I’ll just wait for the cycle to get to the better stage again.

It hurts,

But I’m sure I will be okay

[nighttimeboi]

Before moving to uni the last time I had my own room was at my moms first ex’s house

Tonight I’m lay in bed crying after watching a film that has triggered a lot of memories I had buried away.

I’m lay in my bed having flashbacks, back to when I was in my old room alone. I still feel like I am trapped there alone. I can feel it all. I can feel all the hurt and the pain

I haven’t experienced this kind of thing in a while. Things are not okay.

I’m not okay

[nighttimeboi]

13/11/20 04:56am In my bedroom alone

I’m not having a good night

I’m not having a good night

I’m not having a good night

[nighttimeboi]

People are blind.

Anyone else would have just turned it off.

If you sat there and saw your friend getting stressed, bouncing their legs and biting their finger nails from anxiety, wouldn’t you do something about it?

Or maybe not.

You instead listen to the comments they make about themselves based on a show that shouldn’t be aired.

You tell them they are wrong, but to them the evidence is right there.

You let them continue to sit through the torture,

Slowly putting bad thoughts into their mind.

Anyone else would have just turned it off.

However theses people are blind,

And can see the signs of someone becoming distressed.

Heart pumping,

panic setting in.

Thoughts all over the place,

Anxiety creeping in.

A smile on the outside,

But a war on the inside.

All it would take is a change of show,

But instead,

Let’s put the next episode on.

Plans set in stone,

A negative path has been selected.

It’s too late now,

And nobody will know.

[nighttimeboi]

When you spend more time with people, you get to know them more.

You learn who they truly are.

Their personality, their interests, their reactions, their humour, their perks and their faults.

When you spend more time with people and you get to know who they really are.

Sometimes you wish you hadn’t.

Once you learn who they are, there’s no going back.

You cannot undo the lessons you have learnt.

You can’t forget how they will react to certain things, what they find funny, what they will say to you, what they enjoy doing.

When you spend more time with people, you know them.

Then what?

Sometimes you will know people more than they know you.

If you are a talker, you may share more.

If you are a listener, you may share less.

You will know during scenarios how much you know someone, and how much they know you.

If you know more, you may know the outcome of a situation. A persons exact reaction maybe. If they know less, they will be ignorant and lack caution.

The more time you spend with someone, the more you learn.

Tonight I learnt that some people don’t know me as well as I know them. They were ignorant and harsh. “I hate you”, because I didn’t have an opinion on a film. If you knew me and listened to me, you would know I struggle to watch films because of my dad. You clearly don’t spend enough time listening



[nighttimeboi]

FUCK YOU

[nighttimeboi]

I question how my heart is still held together

I still hurt.

I try to numb it out and ignore it all,

But all it takes is a photograph or a few words and everything comes flooding back.

My heart starts to sink and gets swallowed by the ultimate sadness and hurt.

The feeling of my heart beginning to hurt all feels too much.

It’s almost like a trigger that sends me into a awful cycle of anxiety and low moods,

Until I can’t bare it anymore and I sleep it all away.

To see someone you saw as your world with someone else, never gets easier. It will always make you sad, hurt, bitter, maybe even angry.

So quick to move, yet here I stand on a lonely path covered in snow. Someone else showed up on your path and your paths joined in no time at all. Our paths have divided and my path of snow awaits me. I walk away and don’t look back, I can’t bare to witness you on a path with someone else.

Maybe in another dimension