#idk I got used to spending so much time with all my friends in thz last few years
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>is only free some weekends and has to travel a lot for it
>carefully plans to see my friends because it's my only occasions
>they get sick and can't come
#second time it's happened#the rare friends I actually CAN see in those times#idk I got used to spending so much time with all my friends in thz last few years#and now being so busy and so far away is weighting so heavy on me#any time I'm not included in something I feel like I'm starting to disappear#it's like I'm fighting every day to exist#to myself and to others#god#why can't I ever feel like I'm real why am i always building myself from the outside#I just wanted to complain a bit and now typing this shit out a fuck ton of other ton is coming out fuck#my sister told me she felt like I have no personality as a kid I just random decided 'i am this' and then was 'this' out of nowhere#and now I feel like everything about me is fake#I hate that it rings so true so many things about myself I just carefully decided based on what would make mz the most unique or whatever#do I genuinely like anything#yeah actually this is the issue isn't it#the only thing I've ever been sure of about myself is who I love and who loves me#so if I'm away#what's left#and I start to doubt being loved. even though it's my only actual safe point#haha#however much I'm loved by anyone will never compare to their romantic partners anyway I'll still be alone most of the time#maybe that's why I can't see myself with anyone. I just can't see myself
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