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bunnyriviere · 4 years

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my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

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midblues · 6 years

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it’s not that one, it’s just a random one, enjoy.

You know the fact that "just YOU were calling me or texting me" doesn't say anything. Those are some statements which u wrote to feel more relieved. Dunno why im writing this shit-text, don't even ask. Anyway, we know perfectly that the calling stuff was by reason of you being bored, or because u had something to share with///feeling shit and needed some compassion, comfort or whatever, even if you will not acknowledge this.idc.this shit is how it is. We're not lovers. We're not strangers. We're not friends. We're not "no one/nobody". We are. We are just we or I don't know how to express myself atm. Let me roll a cig. U asked me once what I dislike about you. You know perfectly that I am weak and I don't have so much courage, and that it's very hard for me to open up or to express myself, especially after i moved to German, my confidence went to minus five thousand. The thing that I dislike is that you don't know yourself or don't know which part of you to be. Idc if you will get it wrong, im too exhausted, but read thoughtfully. It's not about the career, abilities, hobbies, and other shit. It's about being you and just you. You are kind when you don't need to be and you're not when you need to be, you don't prioritize and you don't see the world around yourself. I'm not mean now, I'm not telling you that being selfish is super bad, but don't be just self-centered when you can accomplish so many things and not to be ultra egotistical. I know that many people told you that you are cold and you don't care and blah blah blah, it's not like I do give a fuck about their statements, but I do about you and I know that you are so much better. But anyway, don't stop to listen to people opinions, it doesn't mean that you have to take it close to your heart, you just need to go through them and to make a conclusion. Why I'm telling you this? It's because we cannot see ourselves, but people can. They can see our actions, how we do things and et cetera. So yeah, what else. Don't forget to give and not only to ask. Or perhaps I'm just being selfish, maybe is the way in which I see you and I got to know you. But at least I know that the thing about priority is true. I never was one. I can be wrong. And no dear, it's not a confession. By the way, I never could imagine being in a relationship with you, it's so unrealistic, nonsensical, unachievable, impractical, unreachable whatever, call it how you want. But that feeling is so distant. Never could picture that we can be by each other's side, or calling you somehow special, like no one called you ever, or it’s more strange for me seeing u calling me somehow, damn, i think i got used to the things how are they now, and that is the main thing limiting me. I cannot see you supporting me, cooking together, sleeping or other activity which a normal couple is doing. I know that I'm not in love with you, i just cannot. Oh, this stuff is kinda offtopic, but let me continue, actually i never share these thoughts with you. They seemed so insignificant to me, like not so important to share. And they don't appear so often. Much more when im overthinking. But why not, it's 2-4 o'clock, the vulnerability time, or? I never told you that in front of my eyes you're my right person. I don't know you, meanwhile, I know you perfectly. Starting with appearance. You know that you're attractive, like very attractive. Your eyes, your smile, even the nose which you hate, your voice all of it. You're compassionate and the fact that you're still reading this prove that. You're unique. You're actually one of a kind. You're capable and talented and you may not see it because your talents are so ingrained in who you are, but your talents are impressive, just give it some more time. You're funny. Whether it's dry humor, dark or whatever, sun, you have a great sense of humor and don't even try to lie to me and say you've never made someone laugh, including yourself. At least u made me laugh so it means you are a funny bitch :з, no more questions. You're sexy. Whether it's your jawline, your forearms, your legs, your hair, the way you walk... believe me you've made people undress you in their mind, and it probably happens fairly often. And at last but not least you're intelligent. I don't care if you are 1 class back or u have bad marks. You know things that no one else has even thought about because your interests, experiences, and knowledge are unique to you. You matter and you are special. Are you ready for more drama? here we go. We know each other for some years and we didn't spend so much time together, despite the fact that we were living in the same neighborhood. But you know what? I can proudly say that I know you, I can see your flaws, your kindness, I can see fully that part of you which shapes you as you are. baaah so fucking confusing. Even if we weren't together, even if we didn't invest so much time into our "whatever" relationship(i think that u know that a relationship is not just a passion one.), I can say that i know you. And you know why you know perfectly why. Both of us are the same. It's boring and exciting at the same time. Eh, right person, wrong time. This phrase is so freakin' dull. I hate it, it's so fucking mainstreamed. My legs are cold. Anyway, that expression about time blah blah blah has more meanings and just the love one. A medium one. :) So, I say that "we have a lot of growing to do", and I'm not wrong. Still, sometimes i hope that my creativity will extend and i will see a potential outcome that will keep me warm meanwhile I cannot see, touch, or speak to you. But at the same time, i don't want to bear those almost unbearable thoughts like "what if i will never reach the point of becoming the "ultimate person" in your eyes?" and "what if my personal growth takes me to a place where you can't come with me?" or "what if all works out?" And so on. Sometimes I wish you were the wrong person for me. Losing the wrong person isn't as hard as waiting for the right one to be ready.

You’re important. You matter for me. I don’t want to lose you.

Even not I still remember that unforgettable feeling when I left my country, the last minutes with you. I recall how you slipped your arms around me. You were perfectly kind and fragile. The hug. You melted into me like it was the last day of seeing me. You sweetly told me something, and i remember your voice. Even the pitch of your voice changed into something tender and husky. An uncommon pleasure.

I said nothing about the kiss. As you know I treasure more cuddle and hug than a kiss. And kinda didn't want to touch that topic. Idk, but it's kinda sad that I just felt a connection and just im remembering about it.

Perhaps i was wrong.

I'm not starting anything now, not pointing at anything, it is just a night of my thoughts, I decided to share them with you. A night when I was sensitive.

e 4:26 si stau pe tumblr acu, am inceput sa sriu la 1:19, chiar daca a fost un flux de ganduri, am mai recitit si am sters/editat. pe langa asta am vrut sa fie si corect gramatical.

-i have an anxiety attack after posting this shit, dunno i feel like u will laugh, idk rlly idk. After you will read this post don't call me or text me. Try to act like u saw nothing. Would u?)

-or?

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