#idk how well I'd be doing without another soul to share my life with

[furshrimps]

Sometimes I'm wondering if I'll ever have another cat or dog after the ones I'm living with now have passed. I'd definitely like to! My dream still is a Papirunners puppy. Or if not that specifically, definitely a Papillon from another responsible breeder. But if a dog is not possible for health and/ or financial reasons, maybe I'd like to share my life with a cat again? Ideally I'd maybe love to have both so they're not all alone if I have to leave the apartment for xyz reasons. But I wonder?

[septembersghost]

Idk how to explain this in a way that makes sense but I really find it so sweet how you love and defend Sam even if I’ve turned quite bitter towards his character. It’s comforting.

this is so consoling to me and nice to hear, thank you. 💗 it's important to me if it's a comfort to you, because that's the purpose of why I've been doing it for myself too.

I have...much, much longer thoughts on this (as if this isn't going to turn out long enough), but in the immediate aftermath of the finale, and the wake of the devastating wound of it, I felt nothing but rancor and bitterness bordering on irrational hatred towards Sam. for standing there and doing nothing. for abandoning everyone. for living a life he didn't even want, that didn't even fit him. I just...had this impulse of wanting to scream in his face, to be honest. he felt like a stranger, a robot. it didn't take long, though, for me to re-contextualize that and realize how tragic and appalling the ending was for him too, how horrifically empty and unfair. resentment towards Sam was doing nothing but hurting me even more, and I had to pick my way through the ruins of it, come to understand that it wasn't Sam's fault, it was the writing, pretending as though that was a satisfying answer, as if that was an appropriate conclusion. it wasn't, for either of them, and the full realization of that led me back to the Sam I knew and had been separated from for a while, due to both the damaging writing of the show itself and fandom.

I think it helped that I'd been re-watching the early seasons at the time, I was only in S3 in November, and I love S3, I love S3!Sam (I love Kripke era Sam generally, in all his flaws and flinty anger, all his struggles with his darkness and his destiny. both of the boys are so strikingly HUMAN and realized and felt in that era). and I watched him trying so hard to figure out a way to save his brother, grasping desperately at straws to the point where he was willing to condemn them both to becoming monsters if it meant saving him, and I ached for the failure he got left with. Dean's arc is a meaningless, agonizing tragedy, but Sam's is a hollow, ugly defeat, and neither is fair. as my friend Cassie just said to me as I was writing this, "[Sam's] fate wasn’t any better. The narrative completely steamrolled him too. It wasn’t tragic in the same way Dean’s was but his story ended up in the same useless place." the more I had to sit with that, the worse it gnawed at me, and I realized that I REFUSE to allow their worth to be taken away.

I fell in love with these boys in 2005, and while my heart and soul are all wrapped up in Dean, that simply wouldn't be true without Sam, because of how they shared and shaped that journey as a team, how their bond informed the story, how their contrasts and edges were essential to its foundation. the profound love they share for one another, which is essential. which dabb era honestly didn't understand, and never allowed to flourish or experience catharsis like they should have.

I've talked about this before, but beginning in parts of carver era and then fracturing into dabb's, the writers stripped Sam of his character. they sanded down everything about him, blunted him - his wit and humor, his vivacity, his raw fury, his hubris, his ruthlessness. we get a revival of him in parts of S10 and S11, but after that, he's harder to see. they tried to feign that he's well-adjusted (lol) or somehow triumphed over his accumulated trauma (where?), but we never saw any of this. if anything, we had evidence for the opposite - Sam being so burdened by it that he became more and more mired in a depression that flattened him, something he SAID in S15 itself. he mentioned still grieving for Jess, and the biggest part of that was guilt. they told us he'd never gotten over the losses they'd experienced, and then tried to pretend he wouldn't be permanently destroyed by losing Dean, the one person he truly allowed in and who could fully know him, the person he relied on most and always wanted to save? that it wouldn't be an unrecoverable grief? the sun was blotted out and we're supposed to believe the world kept turning for him.

also the whole thing with blurry wife and replacement goldfish son doesn't work. blurry wife is nothing, it's the most misogynistic thing this show ever did because she has no purpose, no name, no face, except to be a walking womb to perpetuate a lineage that Sam didn't even ever express a desire of wanting to pass on (and, at times, voiced the opposite, and said they were cursed). the kid is an ineffectual replacement for someone whose void can never, ever be filled. (tbh I just don't buy Sam wanting to be a father at all, and if Sam had that child to "honor" Dean, that's a terrible reason to have a child.) Sam is condemned to the same cycle of trauma perpetuated by his upbringing, just without (maybe) the hunting. Sam does what John did in placing a child into the mantle and hole of a lost loved one that can never be met. it's cruel.

additionally not a secret, I LOATHE how a significant part of fandom characterizes Sam. the Winchesters are such richly drawn characters and complement and contrast each other intentionally. for some incomprehensible reason, a huge part of fandom infantalizes him, copy/pastes traits over him, victimizes him, and reduces him to this wobbly, helpless softboi babygirl who can't stand up for himself and has no agency (and is afraid of Dean...absurd). I have never once in my life seen that man. I don't know who that man is. spine of steel Sam? relentless, determined Sam? Sam fucking Winchester? Sam is a freak (affectionate). Sam never had to be told that he deserved to voice his opinions or that he deserved to carve out his identity and choose his life, he knew that from before the pilot. Sam who is aggressive and sharply intelligent and nearly compulsive about lore, Sam who asserts himself and his plans, Sam who loves his brother in a huge way, a way that sometimes takes on shades of obsession and jealousy, a way that makes him try to break open the gates of hell, that has him demanding to trade places with him, that makes him let out the Darkness. I'm not saying he's not a victim of trauma and abuse (he is, from John to the Cage, etc), or that he doesn't experience self-loathing/doubt, because he certainly does. it is very, very different from how Dean experiences it. Sam's issues with suicidality in S8 particularly are very, very different from Dean's issues with suicidality through the entire show (and the reasons for their unending recurrence). Sam takes on the Trials in S8 because Dean sees them as a suicide mission, and Sam WANTS TO LIVE, and then as they break him down and convince him he's impure and needs purification and should die for it, Dean pulls him back from the ledge, and for this, Dean is vilified. fandom makes no sense to me. people like to say he had to be free of Dean to live, which is absolutely not true - Dean was always willing to let him leave, or even to leave him (often with accompanying self-blame), he did not keep him hostage or demand Sam be shackled to him. Sam made the choice to stay every time. Sam chose his brother. Sam was willing to die together ("we'll do that together too"), and Sam embraced their life more and more as long as they were together ("I don't want to do it without my brother"). Sam wanted to prove to Dean that it was worth it to survive ("I want to slam hell shut, too, okay? But I want to survive it. I want to live, and so should you. You have friends up here, family. I mean, hell, you even got your own room now. You were right, okay? I see light at the end of this tunnel. And I'm sorry you don't – I am. But it's there. And if you come with me, I can take you to it."), and Sam WANTED DEAN TO LIVE ("Dean deserves better. Dean deserves a life."). down to the wire, near the very end of the story, Sam stood in front of Dean as Dean frayed at every edge, as Dean essentially had a (VERY UNDERSTANDABLE) mental breakdown in front of him, and he said, "My entire life, you've protected me - from Dad, from Lucifer, from everything. I didn't always like it, you know, but it's the one thing in the whole world that I could always count on. It's the only thing I've ever known that was true...we'll figure it out, Dean, we'll find another way, you and me. We always do." Sam's who he is because he had Dean, because Dean's empathy and love shaped him, because Dean's sacrifices and vulnerability allowed him to be selfish (and saying "selfish" isn't an insult, Sam was able to claim desires in many ways, that isn't inherently bad) and proud and to forge his path. one of Sam's BIGGEST THEMES was that he kept faith. and they just. robbed him of everything.

they set up these potentially really great arcs with Sam embracing his legacy as a leader and uniting the hunter life with the Men of Letters history, something which was affirming for him, which WAS a victory over the damage of their childhoods, which was turning hunting into something more, a community, and they dropped it. they set up Sam's closeness to Rowena and her teaching him various spellwork and empowering him, leaving him with her CENTURIES WORTH OF MAGIC AND KNOWLEDGE, something he could have used to finally rescue his brother (something he never once achieved, he never got to save him back), and they dropped it. it's insane, because if you want to tell a story about someone who was unfairly "tainted" with powers he never asked for as an innocent BABY, something that sunk claws into his life and caused him to grapple with his value, to question his goodness and his identity, a way to overcome that would be to grant him powers entirely separate from Azazel, who decimated his family, from the demon blood which hurt him in its dark addiction. it's a show literally called Supernatural and they ended it with NO SUPERNATURAL THEMES LMAO. they set up the idea of them retiring from hunting altogether, thinking about a life apart from that, showed them both wanting it for each other and together, and they dropped it. Dean gets impaled on a random, conveniently placed piece of rebar by a vampire who has no name, no face, not even a voice (the metaphor of that is unbelievably gross in how it ripples to Dean, and it's also...blurry wife and masked vampire #3 are the same black holes of non-character?!), and Sam idly is forced into doing nothing and then stuck in beige suburbia, something he once classified as a kind of nightmare ("I totally lied. That kid's life sucked ass. All that apple-pie, family crap? It's stressful. Trust me – we didn't miss a damn thing"). they forced him to stand silent as Dean died and said his life was worthless and built Sam up, and didn't let Sam correct him or tell him how much he loved him too. I cannot express the RAGE I feel about what this story did to Sam.

certain people like to say he "broke the codependency," and then got his "happy ending/reward" in heaven, please miss me with how fucking insulting that is. death breaks nothing, it is an absence that solidifies that forever. furthermore, Sam had absolutely no idea that heaven would even be there, that he would even see Dean again, and there are multiple canonical reasons to assume he thought he wouldn't. it's awful. Sam and Dean always, always knew that heaven wasn't the point. heaven was established as a vaguely threatening place, memorex but nothing real, because the purpose of the story was fighting and helping people and holding on with both hands to LIVE. five minutes and throwaway lines about heaven being "fixed" (with it feeling eerily desolate and melancholy) does nothing for me. them reuniting after DECADES APART does nothing for me. heaven was never the point. and maybe some of this is my nature in not finding a concept of the afterlife particularly inspiring, but they were supposed to have freedom, they were supposed to live and thrive as a part of their world, after all they endured and suffered, to be able to overcome and find their places and shine like we knew they could.

there's also the story where they COULD have had the "tragic" ending, the blaze of glory where they fearlessly saved the world and died together, and that still could have had meaning. I've discussed this endlessly with friends and have probably posted about it before, but there's a version of that which works poignantly, where they leave the strength of their legacies behind, make the world they inhabited a better place, are remembered, celebrated, become enfolded into the lore. the Winchester gospels redefined and passed on. they didn't get that either, though. they got...more of the same and then this odd pointlessness sold as, idk, "bittersweet." I just. ugh. reject it.

so, unending grief and agony for Dean was joined with this sense of burning fury and injustice over Sam. over the boy with the demon blood who felt kinship for monsters because he was afraid he was one of them, who could express kindness honestly but also utilize it as a tool, who was fierce and arrogant and fought back. they forced Sam to fail. they forced him to lose everything, everyone. Sam's this fascinatingly insular person, who guards himself and keeps on restraints, which makes the moments of him being unrestrained that much more feral and affecting. Sam deserved to succeed in the life he'd run from, because he understood his place and found belonging there after all. Sam deserved to have his brother, whole and beloved and finding his way, because Sam would have been so proud to watch Dean as he recovered and grabbed hold of his agency. Dean deserved to persevere, whole and cherished.

what it led me to was...defense and reclamation. I can't stand what the show did to him, to them. I can't abide the way fandom makes him a delicate lamb instead of the strong, passionate, determined man he was. I can't handle the people who hate Dean with such vitriol that they classify him as an abuser when he gave everything he ever had to others, especially to his brother, and then died putting himself down in his last breaths. Dean who fought for the whole world for love, and Sam who saw that at every step.

I fell in love with a story about two beautiful, glimmering lost boys moving through their world of shadows and sharp fangs and gothic horrors, blazing on its margins, claiming open roads and fighting for the innocent, and for one another. a story that had love so firmly, loudly beating at its heart that we got all these beautiful instances of its resonance, its danger and its transcendence. that told us nothing ever really ends, and that free will is paramount, and that we make our decisions and are brave in defiance. that love is a radical, holy act, bigger than manipulations of any heaven, any hell. Sam and Dean represented every facet of that, dark and light, knife's edge and hearth of home. that's what this story was, and it MATTERED. I can't and won't let it be taken away, or reduced to some flimsy facsimile of itself. I won't let THEM be crushed and whittled away into unremarkable paper cutouts of themselves. they meant too much to me for so long, and gave so much to my life, and I'm grateful for that. they've always been my boys. they always will be.

Sam and I argue and we lost our way for a little while because I very admittedly love his brother overpoweringly, but loving his brother is actually PART of loving him. Dean loves Sam so much, I don't feel like I'm honoring him in not remembering that I do too. (I love everybody because I love you.) Dean was proud of Sam, and I don't want to throw those achievements away or disregard that they were important. Sam forces me to ask more questions and investigate things more deeply, and I appreciate that. I talk about Dean all the time, but Sam really did give and teach me things too, he did provide lessons on resistance and hope. "it doesn't matter what you are, it only matters what you do." "hope is kind of the whole point." that's who he was, and who he is, and I'll hold onto it as defiantly as he lived too. that's why I defend him and that really is why I love him. if it can help you even in the smallest way, I'm so glad, because I know that's exactly what the Winchesters would want.

[puphee]

Hi ceb, well idk how to start but...i don't know do u even relize that u as a writer are already make a ton of people happy and forgot about their life problem, idk about anyone else but for me, u did. I have a lot of life problem and im pretty sure a lot of people has it too, but lately my problem just getting more shitty, i got deppresed b'cause i got rejected from university that im applying to, my mom always talk shit about me, the pressure that my dad put on my shoulder for beeing the 1st child in the family and need to be succes, so when he's die i can take care of my brother and sister, lonely feeling that kills me slowly b'cause i dont really have a friend, my bestfriend move to another land the one who really care about me just gone, even tho we still interact through chatting but it feels different. Ifeel so tired for all of that, sometimes i just want to gave up and just die, sinking into my pain, nothing really convience me to stay breathing untill this day except the work that u did, when im read ur masterpiece i feel healed, im happy, it feels like im living a new life inside ur story, so i hope u proud about ur self, and keep ur spirit for writing bcause of that without u even relize u already keep one body still breathing untill today, u keep one soul happy, u make someone stand strong. Sometimes i feel so sad when one of my favorite writer closed their blog 'cause i'll think "Where i can find another happines again?" So i hope u will always be here, and please be proud about ur self, i love you from the deepest side of my heart ♡

-Leviathan

I have two responses I'd like to give to you, and I hope they are still nice and light-hearted enough to convey how I feel in depth about your words.

Response one:

Omg I literally as I was reading I could feel my expression changing, like my smile was slowly growing throughout reading this and I'm really honoured that you think of me and my work so highly. I'm glad I can bring you happiness while everything else is stressful for you. I understand where you are, I'm also the oldest in my family, however I get the feeling out family situations are drastically different. Despite that, I totally understand the pressure you feel as the oldest. Being the one who has to ALWAYS set the good example for the younger ones and it feels like you're literally not allowed to mess up once, like everyone you love will be disappointed in you if you do. It's a really stressful position to be in, when you're the Oldest sibling. I understand the tension between you and your mother, as well. Although, again, I think like our family dynamics are widely different, I can understand the pain she causes you by being (for lack of a better word) a total bitch to you. My mom and I have had our fair share of fights, I even stopped calling her mom at one point. She said some very nasty things about me that, although we've made up, still hurt to this day. In a typical family, at least what you see portrayed in most movies and cartoons, your mother is supposed to be nurturing, guiding and, if you're a daughter, your best friend. I couldn't have that relationship with my mother, either, and I still don't have that kind of relationship with my own. I understand how upsetting that can be, and I really feel for you. I want you to know how proud I am of you, despite technically being a complete stranger to you. I want you to know that you are so loved and cherished, despite your brain probably telling you otherwise. I believe in you, I do. If you ever feel the need to rant or vent about your day or if you just want someone to give you some probably-not-comepletely-realistic-advice, feel free to come to me. I know it's not my responsibility, but I want you to know my intentions of being a safe person for you are still there.

Response two:

As I said in response one, I totally get where you're coming from, and I really appreciate that you enjoy my content and feel safe enough with me to talk about these things with me. I'm really honored to receive such praise. However, it is a little uncomfortable. I feel like you're placing me on a pedestal, deeming me of greater quality that I actually am. From the way you worded that you are so sad when your fave writers close their blogs and you feel you have to search for happiness again, it sounds like you are very dependent on constant content and consistency. I think I worded that incorrectly, but again, it's 1am, and I have yet to take my medication lol. I don't mean to say this in a way that sounds rude or mean or anything, I promise you that, but one day, I'm going to close my blog, too. Of course I have no intention of doing so any time soon, but it's a likely outcome. Most tumblr writers I've been friends with or have followed had gotten tired of their work or things outside of tumblr happening that made them close their blogs or leave for a really really long time. There are a lot of things us writers have to deal with just like you do. We could be in the same stressful positions, which could lead us to feeling so stressed or unmotivated or unhappy that our hobby, that sometimes seems like a job, no longer brings us satisfaction or joy. Sometimes things like that happen. It happens to all of us. Even our idols, our friends, our family, our acquaintances. It happens. It's not something we can control. The way you have worded this makes me feel an uncomfortable sense of responsibility that I shouldn't have to feel. I think you should search for more than just my fanfiction to bring you happiness. Maybe pick up a new hobby, find a program or community you feel welcomed enough to meet new people and make new friends. Maybe reach out to old friends to see if you can spark those friendships back up again. Maybe just take a few days to relax and take care of yourself. Find something, anything, other than me and my work to find you happiness. Of course, I would still love to be a source of happiness and comfort to you, it's really what I strive to do with my online presence. But I don't want to do that all on my own. I don't want to be exclusively the only person who can make you happy. Maybe it's my commitment issues talking, but that just makes me really uncomfortable. And again, I mean this to sound as light-hearted and friendly as possible while also letting you know seriously how I feel. I want my responses to feel really genuine, because I promise, I mean all of this genuinely and truly. I'll still be here, but I'd like you to find another thing that makes you happy, so I'm not all alone in being your favourite. I really appreciate you telling me all of this and how you felt. I genuinely and truly am grateful for your praise and good thoughts, however undeserving I may be at times. I care for you just as much as I do my other followers, and I always want to be some sort of a safe haven for you.

I hope what I said was understandable and didnt come off as bratty/rude/or insensitive. I mean all of this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for supporting me the way you do. Your love means a lot to me.

[sophygurl]

Hi! I was just browsing through my activity and noticed that after I responded to your ask about ships a while back, you reblogged and shared your thoughts about Spuffy. I'm so glad you were able to read my opinions and understand them, even if you didn't agree with them. I just wanted to stop by and ask what your thoughts and feelings are on Spuffy? I'd love to hear your perspective :)

Oh wooooow, you have no idea how happy you just made me! I feel like I talk about spuffy quite a lot but without ever really saying much of anything because inside of me it’s just a lot of (!!!!!>?>>?!!?!>fjhghhf?!?!?!?!!?) YKWM? Like feels central exploding all over the place and it’s really difficult for me to put into coherent words. 

But I’ve also been wanting and meaning to write some serious spuffy meta and kinda dissect what it all means to me personally, as a survivor, for some time now. And like. Especially with all of this purity culture stuff coming to a head, it feels like a good time to take the time to try and do it because, yea, shit not only doesn’t have to be pure to be helpful - but sometimes the darker stuff IS the Most helpful. 

And I really did appreciate your perspective about the relationship because you talked about the ways in which it did and didn’t work for you without ever shaming anyone for the way it does work for them? And I wish we could all do that more. 

So thank you so much for sending me this ask, and asking for my perspective because sometimes all it takes for me to finally settle down and write something I wanna write anyways is to be asked by someone else to do it! 

This is absolutely gonna get long so have a read more cut.

For context, let me start by saying that I didn’t watch Buffy when it first aired - it was, mmm, I wanna say about 10-11 years ago when I decided to try it out. And while I was watching it, I was also in the midst of doing some heavy duty therapy work on my PTSD stemming from childhood sexual abuse and then some further traumas in my young adulthood that happened because of poor processing of said abuse. I’m not gonna get into details about my personal traumas except for some specific ways in which they relate to the lens in which I watched and processed the relationship between Buffy and Spike. BUT, due to that lens, there very well may be triggery content in this post. 

My experience watching Buffy, in general, started out with me being really unsure what the draw was in season 1 and then slowly getting more involved in the characters and relationships and mythos as the series developed into a more mature and nuanced show. I was really hooked by season five, and season six is my favorite, with seven a close second. 

I liked Buffy, the character, okay in the beginning but it wasn’t until she started really going through and processing her traumas that I started to personally connect to her. So season six was like, my jam. She was raw and stripped down to the nerve, and cycling between like outright rage to pure numbness and just lashing out trying desperately to feel and to make sense of her experiences and I was like - yea, Buffy, same, Same. And then in season seven she starts really contextualizing her trauma and using the pain of it to give herself more power and then sharing that power with others and it was just … fuck, I can’t even begin to tell you what that meant to me. In that last episode, I felt her handing me back my OWN power - like I FELT it - it really … anyway. We’ll get there.

And then there was Spike, who I loved right away. I love me some snarky villains. I love me the bad boy who has hidden depths inside of him. I love the villain who doesn’t … really fit the mold of the other villains in-verse. I love the villain who doesn’t mind working with the heroes if it fits his agenda. Basically, Spike was fictional catnip for me right out of the gate.

I adored Spike and Drusilla together for a lot of reasons, but for Spike to develop beyond just Big Bad, he had to fall out of her orbit, so I was okay with that ending.

On the other hand, I was never into Buffy and Angel. Watching the series as an adult, it just felt creepy to me how this old vampire basically stalked a very innocent-seeming to me teen Buffy. Their romance reminded me of girls I knew who fell for older guys when I was in high school where the older guy seemed sort of dangerous and mysterious and I get the draw from Her perspective - but not necessarily his? I don’t know, I just personally never really bought them being truly in love - they were sort of practice relationships for one another? Her as a young teenager, and him as someone just starting to re-learn humanity. I never Disliked them together… I just never shipped it. The idea of them being one another’s One True Love’s was just sorta meh to me. 

So when Spike started having his crush on Buffy? I was so ready for that. Because it was so silly at first, right? It was not serious. It was creepy and weird and wrong. But in a way that appealed to me. 

How do I explain? I guess, it had to do with all of the reasons that Spike was Not Like All The Other Villains/Vampires. Angel was always different but ONLY because he was cursed with a soul. It was a thing done TO him and when he reverted back to Angelus he was literally a whole different person and did not have any desire to turn back into Angel. When he was Angel, he was all brooding and guilt-ridden and terrified of his other self. 

But Spike was always different just because he was different. This didn’t mean he had a soul or a capacity for love or the ability to be a Good Guy. It just meant he worked a little differently than the other vampires. I truly think he loved and was devoted to Dru. I don’t think she was capable of returning that love in the same way. 

So, anyway, Spike is back and he’s split with Dru because Dru could just … tell … something was off and Spike was wanting to deny that but then suddenly - crush! Not love, not attraction, not lust, not desire - a freaking schoolboy crush.

But of course it was creepy because hello - soulless vampire who has never had a healthy relationship of any kind in his LIFE. But he starts doing these odd things, like wanting to comfort Buffy when he sees that she’s upset and being willing to take care of Dawn when no one else was available and HE doesn’t get it either, but somehow he’s becoming a slightly more decent person because of this weirdass crush? 

IDK, that’s appealing.

And let me clarify. It’s not appealing to me because I see myself in the Good Girl who can make a Bad Boy into a better person. That is never what’s appealed to be about these types of relationships. 

In large part because of my abuse, I see different layers of myself in each character. 

I went through a large portion of my life pretending very hard to be a Good Girl and then when I finally came out of denial about the abuse realized that was because inside I felt like a very Bad Girl and then as I pursued more recovery realized it’s all a lot more complex than that but really I’ve been more of a Decent Person who felt like a Bad Person trying really hard to be a Good Person. I hope that makes sense.

But the point is. I see myself in both the Good and the Bad characters in these sorts of push-pull love-hate dynamic relationships.

And what I love about spuffy, specifically, is that they’re both … both. Eventually. I’m getting ahead of myself. But yes, Spike suddenly wanting to be decent here and there because of his weird developing feelings for Buffy appealed to me - and especially to part of me that feels Bad. I’m Spike in this scenario, not Buffy. 

But I’m also Buffy, being really grossed by this Bad Person’s interest in me. When Buffy throws her money at Spike and says he’s not good enough for her - that’s me hating myself and saying I’m not good enough. But it’s also, strangely, me taking a stand and saying I’m worth better than the ways in which I was treated.

Gods, this whole abuse recovery dichotomy can be so confusing to explain because like. I never abused anyone. But the ugliness I feel inside of myself has to do with what happened to me, and also with what I know people in my family have done to others. So there’s this idea of Badness there. And the idea of there being forgiveness and redemption for that Badness is very very appealing.

And at the same time? There’s this beauty inside of myself that I always thought I was faking but that it turns out - is fucking real and precious and important. And standing up for that broken beautiful part of myself and saying no to being used and abused again is so powerful.

So in that scene? I’m the ugliness in Spike being hated by Buffy but I’m ALSO the powerful beauty in Buffy standing up for herself.

You can maybe see how this all gets even more tangled up the further we go, yea?

So Spike gets chipped and becomes a part of the team - all the while simultaneously reminding them that he’s still a Bad Guy AND slowly becoming a slightly better person because of his interactions with them and his feelings for Buffy. He’s not even close to redeemed, okay, he’s still a villain. He’s just a more and more intriguing villain, an anti-villain, even, eventually.

And then season six. And Buffy comes back. And she’s broken and raw and needing something that her friends cannot give her. She is needing to connect to the darkness inside of herself, and who is waiting there for her? 

And so yea, okay, hatesex is very appealing to me just inandofitself. It’s like double the passion and it’s animalistic and there’s something so sexy and gratifying about two people just using one another with equal force, yk? 

And Spike and Buffy are physically matched perfectly. She can take all her anger and pain and rage out on him without permanently damaging him. And she’s NEVER been able to let loose like that before. Her first time with Angel was a more tender and sweet moment and then - welp - turns out they can’t do the do. And otherwise she’s been with humans who she’s had to hold back with. There was zero holding back with Spike. 

So from Buffy’s perspective, there’s this amazing relief and release and yea, even, empowerment in being able to just freely let herself go in this way. 

From Spike’s point of view, it was about more. And here is where I feel for him because, at this point he’s still not really capable of love in the way we talk about it as being something from a soul. He’s chipped but not soul’d. He has strong feelings for Buffy that no vampire (besides cursed-soul Angel) should be able to have. But it’s not … quite … love. It’s passion and it’s care and it’s wanting and it’s even becoming something like friendship. But it’s not love, much as he thinks it is.

But he does Think it is. And he’s thinking it’s the same for her, but she just can’t admit it, yet. The hatesex to him … is just  … sex. And he fully believes he’s winning her over. And so her constant rejection of him as a fully human person with a soul and feelings guts him - even as he’s still trying to convince himself that he does love her and she does somehow secretly love him back. 

The fact that she keeps using him physically, and also keeps coming to him for emotional support, supports this belief and keeps him from understanding the reality of the situation.

Now, I think I mentioned than when I was watching this for the first time I was in heavy duty therapy mode yea? Well, there was another even heavier duty therapy mode a good tenish years prior when I had first admitted to the abuse I experienced and got really good and fucked up and made some bad personal decisions and here is where some of that comes to play because I saw myself in this scenario - again from both sides.

I am Buffy learning to enjoy the pleasures of my body and sexuality for the first time but also making really bad decisions about who to share that with because I am still so new to processing my trauma.

I am also Spike - longing for something more and better and being told (by myself) that I was not good enough, that I was bad, that I was not a full human person who deserved good things or good relationships.

(There, there, pastme - it does get better)

Back to first-time-Buffy-watching me. And I am enjoying the HECK out of the spuffy sex and I am feeling for poor pining Spike and feeling for Buffy who is hating herself for what she’s doing and also shipping them like WHOA because there is so much about their dynamic that is just sexy and fun and FEELS everywhere. 

But I knew Seeing Red was coming, because I did have a few things spoiled for me just by existing in the world for years without having watched the show yet myself. I really didn’t wanna watch it, or the rest of season six. So I got into a spiral of just watching the earlier parts of the season over and over - specifically the musical and through the 3 episodes of heavy spuffy sex. I did a LOT of processing during this time and then eventually girded myself to watch what I knew was coming. 

And Seeing Red is awful. Traumatic. Triggering. Terrible. But also, like, gods, did it make sense for where these two characters were at this point in time? I didn’t feel like it was contrived or somehow put in just for the heck of it. It made sense in the narrative. Spike legitimately just did not get it. He did not realize he was attempting rape until … finally … he did. 

And the horror of that, the horror of realizing that he almost did that to the ONE person in the world that he has ever cared that much about? Broke him. Sent him off on a magical quest to get his fucking soul back.

No one did that. Even Angel was Cursed with his soul, right? No vampire ever wanted to get their soul back - even had enough non-ensouled feelings to have the ability to want such a thing. Not to mention going through the trials of actually getting it back.

Season seven Spike is such a different beast. He’s messed up from the soul-thing, but I honestly believe Most of his messed-up-ness came from what The First was doing to/through him. Because … gods, okay.

When Spike goes through the flashbacks and recognizes what his trigger is? (Like the show legit uses PTSD terminology here - it was a Trigger) He processes his Own old traumas and he is able to tell Robin basically - fuck it, I know who I am. I know I did terrible things without my soul, but I can’t and won’t beat myself up for that (for example the way Angel does) because it wasn’t entirely my fault and all I can control now is who I am now and what I do now.

Now THAT spoke to me as a trauma survivor. Stop hanging on to all of this so-called badness inside, forgive yourself, and move on. WOW. Fucking powerful. 

And what he DOES choose to do is to be there for Buffy in any way she will allow him to.

Ensouled Spike is no longer creeping around her or making weird assumptions about her or trying to Get something From her. Ensouled Spike defends her when others attack. Ensouled Spike holds her all night when she needs it and gives her pep talks and asks what he can do to help and accepts when he can’t help and just stands there quietly willing to do battle With her. 

I just … phew… that makes me emotional. 

Because, again, I look back at some of those dysfunctional relationships I got into in my early 20′s and like. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that. 

And my attraction to the Fictional Bad Boy with a Hidden Heart of Gold was never about expecting any of them to. I was with them, unconsciously or even some cases consciously, on purpose to punish myself or to work out past traumas with or just to Feel Something. I never expected or even necessarily wanted deep love from them.

So, here’s the thing. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that for me. Nor I them. 

So Spike slowly gaining his redemption through his willingness to become a better person because of his love of Buffy? Fucking spoke to me.

And Buffy slowly accepting the darker parts of herself through her willingness to let Spike into her orbit because of her feelings for him? Fucking yes. 

And when she hands him the - shit it’s been a long time - that medallion meant for a champion? And he doesn’t think he’s worthy, but she says she knows he is. Fuck!!! That is ME accepting ME, okay? All of myself, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the messed up and the slowly healing. All of it. 

And when he sacrifices himself in the end??? When that’s how she’s finally able to defeat The First? All that power sharing with all of the other women was *chefkiss* but it also took Spike. Spike who stormed on the scene in season two with snark and a twisted sense of love and no desire to ever be a hero? That Spike!? Sacrificing himself and STILL NOT BELIEVING BUFFY LOVES HIM. 

Because by then, let’s be clear, she did. Maybe not the same way he loved her, but she did love him. And he doesn’t believe it, can’t believe himself worthy of that love. But he sacrifices himself ANYway?

THAT Spike? Is no longer asking anything in return. He gives all of himself and won’t even accept her statement of love in return. “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it anyway.” Just AUGJH?!? You know??? 

That was me … redeeming me … for me…. 

So anyway. 

I just want to add that AS I WAS WRITING THIS OUT, I got another ask in my inbox stating “People who like problematic or villainous characters are apologist for shitty people and should rethink their life because they’re shitty people.”

And this is the exact WRONG time to come for me like this because I just poured out my entire traumatized abuse surviving soul into the internet to explain why watching a problematic villain evolve and learn to do better helped ME to contextualize and process my fucking trauma. So fuck you. People who write anonymous hate without knowing the full story are being shitty and should rethink their actions because they’re shitting on actual REAL LIFE COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE. 

The end.