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#idk if it's just partly because it's a disruption to my routine or if it's partly because I'm on my period or what
teacupchimera · 1 year
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I...sad
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0fps · 4 months
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okayyyy i finally finished the main wuwa story. thoughts (brain dump) below, obviously spoilers so read at your own risk
acts 5 and 6 definitely >>>>>>>>>>>>>> the others. idk if it's because i had digested the world building a bit more by then but they felt way more engaging than the previous acts
partly because all the interesting parties (for me) were finally here. the black shores, jiyan's whole deal. scar was the most interesting of the previous acts but honestly idrgaf about him aksdjflads
dude was not even RELEVANT in these acts they really meant it when they put his ass in jail
i am quite interested in the black shores, hope to see more of them
otherwise just having to do everything with the starter group was boring as hell especially since they all have extremely flat characterizations (yangyang particularly. WHY did she of all people have to be our token partner).
disclaimer, i don't exactly hate yangyang but in general it just feels so unrealistically forced how her and chixia immediately treat mc like their best friend. we barely know each other. i think this is the part that got last-minute rewritten to make them overbearingly nice and it really shows (?? correct me if i'm wrong. idk if it's specifically those two who got rewritten)
i play in the mandarin dub btw. because apparently that's critical for yangyang ajdflkjf
as for the other characters. aalto and encore are so funny together, absolutely loved them. just their characters alone doing their whole comedy routine made act 5 a lot of fun
act 6 was obviously the climax, and i enjoyed it for what it is, but i also felt like it dragged on? like. you'd THINK after we meet up with jiyan we'd immediately go confront the threnodian like asap? they keep spouting how "time is of the essence" but hold on we gotta do all these sidequests?? repair shit?? come on yall LMAO
like the part where we're coming up with our "battle strategy" (which lol. yeah the ranged units should probably attack from a range. only the greatest tactical minds could come up with this) HONESTLY they should have black screened that shit or summarized it in like a few sentences. that was so ?????????? why am i even here.
ofc the cannon thing or whatever is out of power mortefi. of course it is.
i was enjoying act 6 pretty much until this part. then i was like really. REALLY we gotta do all this first I WANT TO GO FIGHT THE BOSS NOWWWWW
idk it just felt like they hyped us up almost immediately for a final battle but then edged us on for forever? the pacing felt weirdly backwards if you know what i mean
i was also just laughing at how concerned they were about the disrupter missing its target. like. you guys are aiming at a giant ball on the horizon you gotta be trying REALLY hard to miss this. the cutscene that showed how small the cannon was in comparison to the force field did not help adjksflasd. maybe if they were talking about the other 2 shots then sure.
once the cannon was repaired and that was over and our 4-man team was finally on their way i was back into it though
really really loved the pulling mechanic thing
however it was just another strike in which i've noticed that this game tends to overexplain some of the gameplay. that pulling mechanic was definitely one thing, the whole "battle strategy" part was another, and the one with the library in one of the previous acts was HORRENDOUS they may as well have reached out of the computer screen and held my hand
literally the only time i respected yangyang was when she decided to stay behind to hold off the enemies. bc istg if she was the one we had to do the final boss with. god. lord. hold me back from the violence i would have committed.
boss battle was a lot of fun. got my ass kicked by threnodian bc i couldn't read its moves but they made it easy to not die 👍
the little. pet thing. that eats the big echos. sooooooo unserious HAHAHAHA AJSDKLJFALD. i'm not going to think about it too hard.
was kind of weird to end that on a montage through a story teller. like i was expecting SOME sort of epilogue but it really went "yup. that's over! go play the rest of the game now"
anyways. despite my grievances i had fun with it HAHA 👍👍👍
i really enjoyed that it did cycle through a lot of story-relevant characters to trial with. it helps that i find all of them super fun to play and it helps keep things super immersive (although i did miss my girl danjin)
a similar thing i really loved was how involved almost every single playable character was
in general a detail i really like is that npcs/playable characters battle alongside you (even in the overworld) - it really makes it feel more immersive and you're part of a team, not just solo'ing everything by yourself
although it was also too early in the story for me to feel. much about everyone helping us out in the beginning. like i literally don't even know yuanwu??? the power ranger shot with everyone felt kinda silly as a result adjklajdfs
i also enjoyed the switching pov with jiyan. in the same vein as above it makes it feel more immersive and far less like the entire world revolves around the mc (although that's the plot device wuwa is desperately clinging onto here lol)
on that note. in general this whole story i'm just like. not really sold with the way literally everyone is so obsessed with mc its just like yeah you're PROBABLY that amazing resonator from way back when and i have a feeling a couple of these characters might have known them from before they lost their memories (esp scar?) but it just feels. very super ultra forced in a way i don't really like
but apparently that's what they're gonna use to drive the story and i can't expect them to rewrite all this (again? lol) so it is what it is i guess *shrugs*
the mc's fame will be less in your face as the story progresses and they actually DO more things. but right now its like. we just woke up and everyone is so obsessed with us lol can we have literally anybody who doesn't care or is like. this sure is fucking weird huh. for a world constantly in turmoil y'all sure are very trusting of this random person with amnesia
mc in general just feels really flat. yangyang being the token partner doesn't help because she is equally as flat. damn maybe we really do need paimon
oh also another detail that kind of bothered me. when we were talking with jinhsi early on there was a dialogue option to ask "have you found jue yet?" while EVERYONE is standing there. i thought this was a secret thing people aren't supposed to know about??? we're just talking about secrets out in the open like this?
what else. i liked the the jiyan and geshu lin phantom confrontation 👍 but it does feel like they're really leaning into the "yeah geshu lin was 99% in the wrong here and that 1% is gonna be jiyan's inner turmoil" and i was kind of hoping it'd be more complex than that
anyways if you read through all that props to you 👍
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wildwood-faun · 2 years
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just listing some reasons why I'm overwhelmed because I need them out of my brain
current eczema flair worse than it's been in many years, reaching exciting new places where I've never had it before (elbows, neck) apart from some golden oldies (hands, thighs, possibly eyelids). This means I'm more tired and listless because I'm always itchy or in pain. It also makes it harder to transition between activities if any clothing changes are required.
ran a workshop for a beginner's group the week before last. Small group, new people, lots of language switching and trying to figure out if people were having a good time or not meant it was very intense for me. Also one of the days ended with a dinner at work = very long workday with no recharge time at home
last week was also nonstandard, with only one day being real intense because of it but let's face it my entire routine was disrupted. Also work Christmas party (on a TUESDAY what genius thought that up?) = ANOTHER very long workday without recharge time in the evening.
the looming threat of the holiday season stresses me out more than the prospect of vacation and meeting a bunch of people I genuinely like ought to. I think it's partly the gift giving that always gives me massive performance anxiety, and also knowing I'll be away from home for an extended period of time and thus will have to be "on" more than I might prefer to.
got cool new year's plans but they require a cool outfit and I have something in mind but NO time or energy to fix it because I'm gonna use all my present nil time and energy to prep for Christmas
not even (well...) bringing up further stressors like driving license plans (this summer??), general anxiety about the future, questioning whether or not to talk to a professional about autism stuff, feeling like I will NOT be able to study on the side because let's face it *gestures vaguely* and idk the political and global climate
in conclusion: I feel whiny.
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nightttdreamers · 4 years
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Inhale, Exhale (IwaOi one-shot)
hi its been a rlly long time since i’ve written fics but its finals week and i need a distraction.
enjoy a cheesy, cute (maybe a pinch angsty) iwaoi one-shot involving late night first kisses and !!!DRUG USE!!! weed to be exact
https://archiveofourown.org/works/27832924 check it out on ao3 if you wanna idk maybe
anyway
Inhale, Exhale | 1/1 | 3325 words
He’s becoming too acquainted with his ceiling.
It’s god-knows-what-o’clock, the last time he checked it was nearing midnight. The boy couldn’t bring himself to turn over and check again, partly for fear of the results, and partly for fear of losing the on-going staring contest he’s having. Oikawa blinks, and he swears the ceiling blinks back.
There’s an uneasy stillness around his room, he feels like he’s disrupting it. He should be sleeping, he’s never felt more exhausted, but some part of his brain just won’t shut off. He clenches his fists, then releases, flexes his toes and releases, pushes his shoulders back, then releases, trying to relieve some of the restlessness he feels. It doesn’t work, only furthers his urge to move, twist around, do anything but lie there and watch his ceiling.
He closes his eyes, too forcefully, trying to conjure up images of sheep or the ocean, something to lull him. All he sees is the ball, that flash of blue and yellow, dancing across his fingers, escaping his grip, plummeting to the floor, too close to the white line, it’s out of his control now it’s-
Out! Signals the whistle of the referee. Oikawa jolts upright. 
He has to move, every part of him is twitching. His hands are in his lap, clench, release, clench, release, grip the comforter until your knuckles turn white. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t get the game off of his mind. His teammates tried to encourage him, coach had to step in to talk to him because he probably doesn’t trust you anymore, his opponents had those smug looks, even Iwaizumi didn’t know what to say.
Iwaizumi. He didn’t speak to Oikawa after the game, he was too exhausted from picking up his slack. He didn’t even have his usual “you-fucked-up” scowl on, he just looked disappointed.
Oikawa gets out of bed, fumbling a bit as he slides on his pajama pants, grabs a t-shirt. He has to know where he went wrong, what he needs to do, how he can never make those mistakes again. He uses the back door, having gone through this routine enough times to know his parents wouldn’t hear him. It’s cold, but Oikawa is so wired the chill barely affects him. Every set, every call, every spike is running over and over again in his mind as he hurries down the street, route memorized.
Iwaizumi’s window is already open.
Oikawa barely has a moment to question that before he’s knocking against the open glass, poking his head inside. “Iwa?”
The boy in question jumps like he’s going for a spike, nearly falling out of his desk chair. “Fuck, Oikawa, you scared the shit out of me.” That permanent scowl is back, but not as strong, he looks tired.
“Good, you’re awake,” Oikawa replies as he climbs into the other’s room. “It smells in here,” he remarks, mostly to himself.
“It's probably just you stinking it up, does your phone not work or something?” Iwaizumi asks, closing out of whatever he was watching on his computer before fully turning to the other.
“I knocked. How long have I known you? You should be used to this,” Oikawa remarks, rushing through his words a bit.
Iwaizumi sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re lucky no one’s home, what do you want?”
“I, um, couldn’t sleep,” Oikawa says, taking a seat on the other's bed. “Okay, it’s not me, it seriously smells in here, what-”
The two boys lock eyes, exchanging bewildered expressions. Then, realization.
“Were you-?”
“Oikawa, wait-”
“Oh my god, you were!”
“No ones home-”
“And you tried to blame it on me?”
“It’s a friday night-”
“Iwa, you were smoking.”
Even in the dim light of the room, Oikawa can see the red flush to his friend’s cheeks, no matter how hard he tries to cover it. It’s quiet for some time, enough for Oikawa to piece together everything, his panic, the window open, that dazed look in his eyes.
“Yeah,” Iwaizumi finally concedes, exhaling the word. “Today was stressful, okay? I just wanted to take a break.”
Oikawa tenses. He was the reason today was stressful, him and his performance during their game. “I’m sorry-”
“Do you-” Iwaizumi starts at the same time as him. The two share a little laugh, breaking down the strange tension that was building up. “Um, do you… want some?”
Every anti-drug assembly and health class he’s ever seen play through his head. Weed makes you lethargic, slows you down, makes you lazy, everything Oikawa didn’t want to be. But, Iwa’s using it. Responsible Iwa who hits the back of his head every time Oikawa’s not taking care of himself properly. Iwa who’s avoiding his gaze awkwardly, like he’s guilty of something. Today was stressful, he had said. Without a word, Oikawa nods.
Iwaizumi reaches into a drawer in his desk, pulling out a lighter, a small brown piece of paper, and some cylindrical device. “Gimme a sec,” he says, getting to work.
Oikawa remains on the bed, legs crossed under him, fingers drumming on his knee. There’s still tension in his chest, he hasn’t forgotten why he’s awake right now in the first place. But, he keeps his focus on Iwaizumi’s hands, noticing the slight hesitancy in his movements. He can read the other’s body language like a book at this point. “How many times have you done this?”
“Just a few,” Iwaizumi responds, beginning to pack the fragrant bud into the center of the paper. “Mattsun showed me how,” he says, anticipating Oikawa’s next question.
Oikawa nods, a small smile crossing his lips at the image of Mattsun showing Iwaizumi how to roll, probably all proud of himself for knowing more than the other for once. The smile fades as he recalls Mattsun’s words from earlier, “What is wrong with you today?” He probably didn’t mean it like that, but it stung.
“You’ve never before, right?” Iwaizumi asks, glancing up at his friend, breaking his train of thought.
“Don’t you think I would’ve told you if I did?” Oikawa replies, only realizing the irony in his lighthearted response afterward. It’s not lost on Iwaizumi, who only replies with a short nod. His attention is turned back to the slowly forming joint. He holds it up, tongue dashing over the edge of the paper before he continues to roll. Oikawa feels like he should’ve looked away for that part.
“Okay, window,” Iwaizumi finally announces, crossing the room. Oikawa follows behind him, hands still fidgeting. The sight of Iwaizumi holding the joint to his lips, brows knit slightly, eyes cast downward as he sparks up his lighter, it’s captivating. He turns towards the window, exhaling a puff of smoke with a light sigh. Then, he holds it out to Oikawa.
Gingerly, the setter takes it, just staring for a second, then looking back up at Iwaizumi.
The other understands his silent plea for help, leaning forward a bit as he speaks. “Take a breath before, relax, just inhale, hold it, exhale. Not too much, okay?”
Oikawa’s still hesitant, taking a deep breath in. Why was his heart pounding so much? What if he didn’t like the effects? What is he even doing here? And why is Iwaizumi staring at him like that?
“Hey,” Iwa’s hand comes to rest on his wrist, keeping him steady as he relights the joint. He must have been staring at it long enough for it to go out. “You don’t have to, Oikawa. It’s not a big deal.”
“No, I want to,” Oikawa says. He holds the joint to his lips, he wants to relax, get his mind off of today, he wants to know how Iwaizumi feels right now, to be in the same space as him.
For some reason.
On his exhale, Oikawa coughs, feeling a sting in the back of his throat, a new pit forming in his chest. Iwaizumi can’t help but laugh, handing him a bottle of water he’d already had by the window. “Not so deep, breath with your chest, slowly.” It reminds him of how Iwaizumi would help him calm down before a game, though much less demanding now.
After drinking some water, he tries again, taking his friend’s advice. It’s better this time, he still coughs, just not as much. Iwaizumi takes it back for a drag and Oikawa feels a pang when he sees how easy it is for him. The two sit like that in silence for some time, passing it back and forth with unspoken rhythm.
“I think that’s enough for you,” Iwaizumi says, leaving the joint to sit on his windowsill, still about half left. He gets up with a little stretch, going back to sit on his bed, lean against the wall. Oikawa, who was just starting to get comfortable with the joint, follows suit. He sits at the foot of the bed, trying to relax. He’s waiting for it, whatever “it” is supposed to feel like, he just knows he’s waiting.
“You wanna tell me why you really came over?” Iwaizumi asks, breaking a strange, heavy silence in the room.
“I couldn’t-”
“I know you couldn’t sleep. Now tell me why,” he demands now, head tilted to the side expectantly.
Oikawa takes a breath, still feeling that sting from coughing so much. “We almost lost today.”
“I know, I was there.”
Oikawa shoots him a little glare before continuing. “It’s my fault.” He waits again, waits for Iwaizumi to tell him he’s wrong, that everyone has bad days, that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself, like he always does. Instead, he’s met with those piercing eyes again, he’s never felt so looked at before. “I don’t know what went wrong. I was feeling weird going into it, I messed up my first serve, it threw me off. And the other team knew it, I can tell what they’re thinking. ‘The great king’s off his game, this is our chance!’ It’s so smug I can’t stand it. It just felt like nothing was working, I was moving too slow, I couldn’t even control it. And everyone knew. They knew something was wrong with me and I was just messing the game up for everyone. Mattsun asked what was wrong with me, I couldn’t even respond.”
Oikawa stops, un-clenches his fists, looks back to Iwaizumi. It’s different now, he can’t put his finger on it. He just feels lighter, the room feels light, everything’s twisting but still at the same time. “How long was I just talking for?” He asks, the weight of his words still present. His mouth is dry.
Iwaizumi can’t help but crack a smile, lifting a hand up to cover his mouth. “Not as long as you think,” is his reply. “How do you feel?”
“I don’t know,” Oikawa says, shifting to face the other now and wow his bed is soft. Iwaizumi notices his reaction, handing him a pillow to lean on. “Fuzzy.”
Iwaizumi chuckles this time, Oikawa smiles and he doesn’t know why. “I mean, now that you got all that off your chest.”
“Oh,” Oikawa hums. Everything before this exact moment feels like it was so long ago, his vent, laying in his bed. He’s here right now, with Iwa, that’s all he needs to be. “Better, I think.”
“Good, because I never wanna hear some bullshit like that again,” Iwaizumi responds, going back to his usual tone. Oikawa quirks a brow, didn’t he just ask him to talk about how he felt? “You had a shitty game. Sure, it was a really shitty game-”
“That’s hurtful-”
“But it’s over now. We won, you’re not always going to be the reason why. Everyone on our team trusts you for a reason. We’ve seen you play like it’s a death match, one bad game isn’t going to ruin everyone’s faith in you. I’ve seen you at your worst and your best, and I admire both of those.”
Oikawa sits up a bit, propped up on his arm. “Why would you admire my worst?”
“I dunno, that’s when you’re the most driven.”
Of course, Iwaizumi likes watching him push himself. Oikawa wonders if he knows that he’s the reason why. “Why did you say anything to me after the game today?” He asks, once more sitting upright. The question just spills out of him, he didn’t even realize it was bothering him that much. Even Iwaizumi looks startled by it, leaning back as Oikawa draws near.
“I don’t like seeing you like that,” he mumbles, looking off at nothing in particular. “When you beat yourself up. I knew you were angrier at yourself than anyone in that gym, nothing I could’ve said would’ve helped.”
Oikawa snorts back a laugh, pressing the back of his hand to his lips. “Iwa, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you cared about me.”
This earns him a punch on the arm. “Oh shut up, Shittykawa, I just don’t want you moping around on the court.”
Oikawa rubs his arm, laughing. Then, he whispers, “Holy shit.”
“What?” Iwaizumi asks, leaning forward a bit with an expression of concern.
“Nothing, nothing,” he replies, shaking his head. “I just feel it.”
There’s that infectious laugh again, how long has it been since they goofed like this? How long have they been goofing off for? The boys laugh until they forget what was so funny, then crack up all over again the moment they make eye contact once more.
“Hang on, hang on,” Iwaizumi grabs his phone off his nightstand, flipping through his music. Oikawa looks on, his head pressing against the top of the other’s as he scrolls. Finally, music fills the room, playing from Iwaizumi’s speaker. It’s something Oikawa doesn’t recognize, Western maybe, that acoustic type of rock that Iwa’s always listening to. Normally, he’d complain about the choice, he’s always hated on Iwa’s music just to piss him off. But, it sounds different now.
“Make it louder,” he asks, finally pulling away from his friend. Iwaizumi complies and Oikawa leans back against the wall, taking a breath. The bass is vibrating through the whole room, through him, and Oikawa thinks this might be the prettiest song he’s ever heard, despite the slight grit to it.
“No complaints?” Iwaizumi asks, the question genuine.
“You speaking is ruining it,” Oikawa says, shooting him a playful glare. Iwaizumi rolls his eyes in response. “Is this just what you do? Smoke and listen to music?”
“I mean, for the few times I’ve smoked, yeah this is kind of it,” he replies, scrolling through his phone to queue up more songs. “Why? You bored?”
Oikawa shakes his head. “No, no, I’m just asking.”
With a light shrug, Iwaizumi gets off the bed, heading back to the window. Oikawa gives him a questioning gaze. “I just want a little more, had to make sure your ass was okay first.”
“I’ll have you know my ass isn’t okay, it’s perfect,” Oikawa says with a snarky grin. He joins his friend by the window, the two sitting on the floor, backs to the wall.
“That’s a load of crap,” Iwaizumi snorts, grabbing the joint and his lighter. Once again, Oikawa finds himself staring as his friend holds the joint between his lips, sparking up. The flame, as brief as it flashes, looks so pretty reflecting in his eyes. He takes a puff, leaning his head back as he exhales, closing his eyes. Oikawa smiles.
“You used to give me shit for staying out past curfew,” he says, turning slightly to face the other.
“And?” Iwaizumi replies, quirking a brow.
“And now you do this,” Oikawa says, gesturing to the fading cloud of smoke.
“I don’t ‘do’ anything, I’m just messing around. What, are you judging me?”
Oikawa shakes his head quickly. “No, no, I mean, I joined you. I’m just thinking about how weird it is that I’m here.”
“You break into my house at least once a week, it’s not that weird.”
Oikawa sighs, once more shaking his head. “No, I mean that I’m here with you.” The two look at each other, mutual expressions of surprise. “Not like that- shit, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I just, I’ve known you forever and you still surprise me sometimes.”
Iwaizumi has a faint smile on his lips, eyes half-lidded as he raises his brows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Once again, the truth is just spilling out of him, he can’t even keep track of what he’s saying, he’s losing his own train of thought despite how it continues on. “I didn’t know you admire me.”
Iwaizumi’s smile fades, he looks off again, the same expression he had on earlier. “Of course I do, who wouldn’t?”
“A lot of people,” Oikawa scoffs. “You want me to list them?”
“They don’t see you like I do. If any of them knew you, really knew you, they’d feel the same way.” Iwaizumi has to light it again, the joint dancing between his fingers as he gesticulates.
“Iwa,” is all he can get out, not expecting a response like that. Say something back, say something now- “You know you’re one of the reasons why.”
“Why what?”
“Why I couldn’t fall asleep. You didn’t say anything to me after the game, I thought you were really pissed,” Oikawa shrinks, he didn’t mean to bring the game back up.
“That keeps you up at night?”
Wordlessly, he nods. There’s nothing else to be said about it, Iwaizumi seems to understand the feelings he can’t quite articulate. To stop himself from continuing on, Oikawa asks, “Can I get another hit?”
Iwaizumi just smirks, shaking his head. “I think you may have had enough.”
“Don’t be such a mom, come on,” Oikawa says, a slight whine to his voice.
“Don’t call me that,” Iwa replies, letting out a breath. “Open your mouth, inhale in a second.”
Oikawa’s expression questions him enough. Iwaizumi takes another hit, bigger this time, then leans in close. His senses are flooded, the heat of the other’s face so close, warming up his cheeks, warming up his face, he smells smoke and body wash, today’s leftover cologne. Iwaizumi’s eyes are focused again, looking down to Oikawa’s lips, parted open. He blows smoke inside. “Inhale.”
Oikawa does, sucking in the smoke like it’ll somehow keep Iwaizumi this close to him. He holds it, watching as the other pulls back tentatively. Then, he exhales, letting the cloud lazily drift between them. 
Iwaizumi’s lips curve into a smile, and then they’re pressed against Oikawa’s.
The kiss feels right in every sense of the word. Like two puzzle pieces finally snapping into place. The two can listen to each other without speaking, the same silent communication they have during a game. Oikawa parts his lips, Iwaizumi tilts his head, Oikawa turns his body, Iwaizumi presses a hand on either side of him. They kiss like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen each other, like they’re putting everything on the line, like they’ve been waiting for this their whole lives. Oikawa releases every little piece of built-up tension in his body, it feels like he’s letting out a breath he’s been holding his whole life. Iwaizumi, Iwaziumi who is all sharp edges and quick retorts, feels like a breath of fresh air. They’ve spent enough time together to read every movement, Oikawa knows exactly how he’s checking is this okay and more, just with his lips. He can tell when Iwaizumi is ready to stop, the two boys pulling back in unison.
They share the same face, cheeks flushed, blinking rapidly, unable to break eye contact. Oikawa feels fuzzy and tingly and electric. Iwaizumi hovers over him, chest rising and falling quickly.
The boys laugh, falling into each other because how did this take so long?
When they kiss again, Oikawa makes sure to properly admire everything about his best friend.
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goood afternoon the water sitch remains less than ideal (but it’s still running thank GOD) and my toilet tank has apparently developed a large crack along the side (not weather related as far as I can tell?) so it’ll need to be replaced after the various water emergencies in the complex have been dealt with. but the sun is out and the ice is melting so fast!!
ruthie and I were able to go on our first long walk in a week, which was MUCH needed because she is bouncing off the walls from being cooped up all week and is driving Pip (and me) nuts. then she had the zoomies for 20 minutes and flung herself from the bed to the chair and out onto the sofa and then back to the bed, barking her “come and GET ME!!!” bark while I chased her with a towel trying to dry her off from the slush. now at last she has conked out under the blankets, so hopefully we will have a little stretch of peace and quiet.
man okay WHAT is this day. for some reason I am experiencing pretty intense end-of-break jitters today, the kind where you start panicking about things starting up again (transition moments!) and also start berating yourself for not getting enough done or making enough of the time you had away. which makes NO sense because this was an unplanned natural diaster break and I spent most of it stressing about whether something catastrophic was about to go wrong. but my brain will not be reasoned with! however I think I can soothe it by setting some goals:
send out work emails
walk 30 min with R
walk 30 min with R again before dark
write 1k words this morning
write 2k more words this afternoon (try to get 3 sketched scenes)
leave comments on two fest fics
roast the last vegetables so you can eat real food instead of anxiously scavenging snacks
uhhh idk what else would make me feel normal? dude this is such a weird week in such a weird year and what would really make me feel better is to go to a BAR with my FRIENDS and hang out there all night laughing and eating greasy fries and drinking cheap beer!!!!! but when will that ever happen again aghhh not for SO LONG and I’m trying not to feel crazy about it but something about this week has disrupted my ability to accept pandemic reality!!!!
I have now gone a week and a half without doing significant amounts of exercise which tbh is probably partly why I feel so emotionally out of whack!! but I’m worried that the break will disrupt the good habits I’ve formed. so one thing I want to do today is set some intentions and come up with some routines to help me get back into working out.
also I just need to remember that no matter how wild-eyed I feel right now, I know that things are trending back in the direction of normal and there IS an end in sight! it’s just like my brain had settled into a certain level of lowgrade stress and then got violently jolted around by some more intense emergency stress. so now I just need to get my bearings so I can settle back into the lowgrade stress again.
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veliseraptor · 5 years
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i just...idk, feel like i’m letting a lot of people down, my friends, that i’m not doing right by them, that i’m failing at my responsibilities to other people, and also my responsibilities to myself, and just this constant shrieking of not good enough not good enough not good enough slowly bleeding outward starting with work and now it’s interpersonal relationships and I know how this goes, it will keep going and eventually there will be nothing in my life that i’m doing right
and I’m doing the thing where I hyperanalyze really stupid details about things people say or don’t say or do or don’t do and assume they mean all kinds of things about me personally, probably bad
and I know I know this is partly because I forgot my meds this morning (possibly yesterday? not sure) and also because my routine has been badly disrupted and the world in general feels like a mess, but knowing all of those things is not making the shrieking in my head any less loud
and i just. this feels really pathetic but i wish someone was here to hug me.
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