#idk now that I've been back in my shitty hometown I do find value in Pride because it's the one time I can be around many gay people

[arzner]

It's Pride this weekend (I don't know why but it's always in August here) and I've skipped every event so far, but I'm still debating about going to the parade. I just am not feeling it... Every year I get more and more irritated about the whole situation and how it's been increasingly catering to everyone but gay people (and at the expense of us), but I've always still gone to at least the parade and maybe another event. It feels really sad to skip it entirely tbh because I've gone every year (aside from the one year it was canceled because of COVID) since I was in high school, but it's just deeply disappointing to see what it has become...and I've been feeling that so acutely lately :(

[limerent-licorice]

This is more of a vent blog.

Im pretty sure that nobody would read these posts and I think it would be better for others' minds as well if they don't read it. No pressure tho if u do want to traumatise urself.

Im not really sure why ive made this blog myself. Just that my mind runs wild at night and I just have a need to get rid of it so this is a way I try to make myself better.

Idk if I need an introduction considering that nobody would read this blog but if u do wanna know me just DM ig idk. Also idk whether I should mention this or not but I'm a guy if that really matters to u. I don't want ppl sending nudes tho. I hope u respect that.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been changing in ways that aren't really good. There's been this massive shift in environments lately for me and I remember that before I used to be very fun and energetic and very social. I've always been an introvert regardless and it's not that I'm not fun now just that I feel like I'm not able to connect with ppl the way I used to before. I'll just call this change of environments as a 'canon' (yeah ik it sounds very across the spiderversey but I'm not getting any other name in my head so imma just call it that)

It's not that before the canon, things were perfect. Ibe always had shitty mental health ever since COVID started. I was very deeply in love with this girl who was my best friend. I met her in middle school and honestly she wasn't the most attractive girl in the class but I was emotionally broken when I met her because my very own friends had betrayed me and I was finding it difficult to trust literally anyone. When all hopes for making any sort of friendship were lost, she entered my life. I was innocently but deeply in love with her. I never really told her that I felt that way for her because I had self image issues and I didn't want to lose the only friend that I really had. Maybe if I did risk it then things would've turned out different for me. But that very year she shifted abroad and I was like "fuck what just happened". She kinda did heal me from what I was going through and got me to an extent where I could at least believe in myself that I wasnt completely unlovable. Things went well for an year, I entered high school. Made couple of friends who were rarely guys because of the massive distrust I had in them. I was pretty accepted despite that tho. Like it might sound odd to many for a guy to ba part of a friend grp which is filed with girls but it never felt that way for me. Im pretty sure the other guys just kept thinking that I'm gay or I had low testosterone and what not but well Idrc as long as I'm protecting myself. And then boom COVID hit everything went online and I started to go onto social media platforms to stay in touch with ppl. That's when I got close to her again and this time, we got much more closer. She had some shitty friends abroad which made her to value those more back in her hometown. Which meant shed spend more time with me and her other friend whom we had a trio with. Well her other friend had always been along in my life and just that it's after I met her that I started to acc get close to her friend as well. Im gonna give these characters dummy names later but for now all u need to know is that we got close. It might feel like everythings going good but well life is like a tv show with small advertisement break like moments of happiness. And the break was over. I got a little too attached to her and fucked things up in short but we still stayed friends somehow. Things got toxic but her friend at times would seem manipulative of her and I realised that I was not the only toxic one here. This caused a lot of mental fuckups which eventually led to the end of the friendship two days before graduation. HOW FUCKING CINEMATIC.

Coming to the present that is now in college. Ukw I'll just let it out. Coming to college is the canon. Now that things are done with with the friend grp I had and that now I'm gonna start afresh. I came to college as a blank slate. I did have a lot of lessons I learnt n shit cause of all the drama but after I came to college, I realised that everything here works differently. All the old ideals n stuff its all inexistent. Like for example in my hometown, being homophobic was like a big nono and now here it's just totally normal. It almost felt like I'm surrounded by cavemen. And it just feels odd and unnatural honestly. So I decided to just ignore everyone else's opinions and values and what nots and just know them for who they are instead. Adding insult to the injury, I was raised in a place where speaking English was the norm due to a wide range of diversity n stuff but here, they just speak the local language. I mean we are a part of the same country and I do know the language but since I was raised in English completely, I had little to no experience talking in the native language which made communication evem more awkward.

With everything that's happened and everything that's going on, I realised that I'm losing my older self which everyone used to somehow seem to love. Idk whether I'm not able to propagate to others effectively or what but I feel like everything combined together is just ruining my old serene self. Like ofc the older self was filled with toxicity and trauma but I found my way out and found peace with who I was. And I was making new friends to a good depth and ppl were understanding me better and I used to help ppl cope with their emotions and everyone seemed to love me then. Now that I'm here, I don't see depth in ppl at all. Im not able to form bonds the same way anymore. And I feel like that side of me is just dying. Considering how much effort it took for me to build that side of mine, I feel like if I lose it, I've lost myself completely and I can't really say anything to anyone because my older friends are no longer present in my life and the newer ones don't understand me.

So I made this blog where I try to find myself by posting what I used to be to remember everything I went through to gain back that version of me.