#if I rant about the video game industry sorry lol

[odaatlover]

I’ve been finding that it doesn’t actually matter what I eat and it’s more of how much of it I’m eating. Like I’m still relatively eating like shit, I’m just eating less instead of all of it lol and it’s working. Yeah, I probably should make more mindful choices (yay heart disease) but honestly smaller portions goes a long way.

This is so true! I always tell people that there are no such things as good foods and bad foods. You can eat McDonald’s everyday and still lose or maintain your weight. In fact this is a great video about that.

The thing about fat loss is that you have to be in a calorie deficit, that’s it. You can be in a calorie deficit eating cake. Or broccoli. Or chips. Or ANYTHING. It’s not about what you eat, it’s about how much you eat. Period.

But now here’s where it gets more in depth. For those wanting to lose weight, the goal is to be in a calorie deficit and to STAY in a calorie deficit. So the name of the game is find the best way for you personally to stay in a calorie deficit without losing your mind or feeling hungry all the time. For some people, that’s by eating what they love but just eating less of it. For some, that’s eating only chicken, rice, and broccoli. For some, that’s by cutting out dairy or bread or some other specific food.

For me personally, it’s making lower calorie/high protein versions of foods that I love and staying completely away from the real thing — not even a single taste — so that I don’t get hooked on it. Because I have an addictive personality and I KNOW I will instantly become addicted and will want it the next day. And then I’ll want this other type of food. And then more, and more, day after day until eventually I’m eating 4,000 calories every single day for months and have gained 20lbs. I haven’t had a “cheat meal” in 5 months — no fast food or sugary sweets or anything like that, and it’s the only thing that has ever worked for me this long because with what I’m eating everything feels like a cheat meal. I LOVE sweets, so I just make my own sugar free versions that taste amazing but don’t have a ton of sugar in them. But I know that the second I allow myself to have something like a real pizza, it’ll undo all of those habits I’ve built because I’ll remember what it tastes like and then the pita bread pizzas I make won’t taste nearly as good and I won’t be satisfied. Or if I have Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, the Halo Top I buy won’t taste incredible like it does to me now and I won’t want to get it anymore and will instead get the B&J ice cream.

Will I ever have “real” junk food again? I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. I know I at least won’t in the near future because I don’t want to. To some people that seems way too extreme. People who I personally know say things to me like “You can’t just NOT have fast food ever again for the rest of your life!” …but why not? If this is working for me and I’m happy and satisfied, then why do I need to eat those things that I’ll become addicted to again and will mess up my progress?

The problem with the health industry and with a lot of these fitness influencers is that everyone thinks they have the right answer because something worked for them. But we’re all different, and so different things are going to work for different people. For you, it’s eating the same foods you love but just less of it. And that’s awesome! But some people will tell you that’s wrong, and it’s so frustrating because that’s so harmful when you’ve found a solution and people who claim to be professionals convince you to do something else that won’t work for you. It’s like just let people do some trial and error and find what works for THEM!

Anyways, sorry about that rant lol. I have a lot of feelings on this, as you can see 😂

[hitomiheart]

i need to rant abt men in kpop ❤️

first of all i am not a fan of any boy groups and know very little about them in general. thankfully this isn't twitter so i don't think i'll get shit for making a post on my blog with my own opinion butttt just in case ! my intention is not insulting or speaking ill of any boy groups. if i ever did (lmao) it would be because of their music (sorry) and not them as people because, again, i do not know anything about them !

that said:

i'm fairly new to kpop. i got into it in 2021 so there's a lot of ~history~ that i wasn't part of - whether that is fandom dynamics or kpop events etc. so, to my understanding, girl groups weren't always as popular as they are now. and i can fucking tell. there are two main things that annoy me when it comes to people's reactions or behavior towards girl groups: 1. fans making everything about a male idols and 2. men in the industry itself making everything about male idols. i know number 2 is a nuanced situation but i just wanna talk about my personal pov, as what i stated above: new to kpop, gg stan.

1. fans making everything about a male idols: pretty self-explanatory. i consume kpop content mostly through youtube and twitter. it drives me insane the amount of people constantly bringing up boy groups when they are NOT the topic of conversation lmao i know bts are hugeeee as well as their fanbase and i know that is an issue between fandoms but godddd these ppl drive me insane lmfao. i'm mentioning bts bc i know how big they are so it would make sense for them to be brought up by fans more often but it is also the case with other groups that i won't mention bc i already got my point across. given the competitive nature of the entertainment industry this is bound to happen but i can't help but feel like girl groups are constantly being diminished for not being as great or cool as the big boy groups are. one example is a very recent one: it was the first year anniversary of lee chaeyeon's knock, posted by the ggs anniversary acc on twitter which had around 3k likes last time i checked but someone quoted the tweet with a video of chaeyeon dancing with a seventeen member. dino, i think it was. no problem with the video itself obviously, i always look forward to seeing chaeyeon interacting with other idols especially if they are good dancers. point is, this tweet had double the likes the original one lmaooo and people were making chaeyeon's important step in her career about a male idol. i know fans probably don't mean to do this, to intentionally steal the spotlight in this case from chaeyeon but as a fan it just annoys me deeply. i also know people can be multi stans. but still. it's just something that personally throws me off. there is nothing i can do about that except this rant lol. nothing against seventeen btw i think they are very talented and it's one of the groups that i respect and sympathize with!

2. men in the industry: this is a tricky one bc the point i want to get across is based on the hybe game caterers thing lol and as i mentioned before it hasn't been that long since i'm a kpop fan and stan just a few groups so this argument is merely based on a specific situation that bothered me. ok, so. obviously i was watching this youtube series (again) bc i love le sserafim and fromis_9 <3 and it is through these videos that i actually got to know from the bgs and i was like you know what,,,, these gentlemen aren't so bad ! lmao. if you know what videos i'm talking about, you'll remember that the three finalists of the random play dance competition were eunchae, seoyeon and soobin. towards the end of the competition there's a bit where some male idols were gushing over how cute soobin is, how good of a dancer he is, etc etc (which i agree with! adorbs). basically leaving all the compliments for him and barely talking about eunchae and seoyeon lol. and not only that! during the majority of the game all the comments were about yeonjun, because he also knew all the dances. like damn, even with women being 2/3 finalists the attention is still all over soobin? 😭 i do have to mention that i gained hugeee respect for seungkwan, who was hosting along na pd, because everytime this happened he would actively redirect the attention towards the girls, complimenting them. love him. he was funny, witty, respectful. 10/10. now, this is where the nuance comes: i'm aware interactions between men and women in the industry are a touchy subject. idols are careful not to cross any boundaries and whatnot to avoid dating rumours/scandals. but either way the situation over all seemed so unbalanced lol and i'm glad seungkwan came through. a true ally. on the other hand, this a sort of major scale situation, a big event where 2nd, 3rd and 4th generation artists come together, which could be an indicator of this being a common ocurrence. and we do live under a patriarchy after all.

so yeah i think that's all. it's a bit frustrating seeing your favorite women being constantly swept under the rug, even when they are the ones ruling kpop at the moment.

if anyone gets to read this, let me know what you think. have you thought of this before? do you think there's been a positive shift in men's behavior towards women in kpop? can you think of other examples? am i being crazy and need to go outside? i'm open to discussions 🤍

[lucozdes-blog]

finally !! here’s the intro guides to my children !! blease....plot with me. 

(lee taeyong, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [KIM JEONGMIN]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-THREE] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [SOUTH KOREA]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [FASHION DESIGN] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, twenty, she/her, pst)

jeongmin is a fashionista, from designing original pieces to styling. 

his current aesthetic: goth street looks. think seoul fashion week. 

he loves nothing more than styling his friends or anyone who asks for help; he works within your budget and closet. he knows how and where to find deals and just overall very resourceful. 

he’s all for the environment too, the studio is filled with a variety of recyclable bin from plastic to old garments. 

he works as a part time visual for a retail store, it’s only a couple hours three mornings a week when he doesn’t have class, it’s good to have some sort of income. plus they pay him well considering his major and eye for new campaigns. 

he’s the guy with a variety of hook up numbers on his phone, never by name but with an emoji and number next to it. he’s a hoe (no jk i love him) and finds validation with the amount of people he sleeps with honestly it’s sad i don’t think he’s ever been in a genuine relationship. it’s just angst n heartbreak so he’d rather just sleep with ppl. 

anyways, his goal? design for the met gala and BE IN the met gala to show all those celebrities how it’s TRULY done. 

hic current look: taeyong in the chain mv. 

(nam joohyuk, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [MOON HANJAE]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-FOUR] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [SOUTH KOREA]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [PERFORMANCE] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, twenty, she/her, pst)

my son whomst i BIRTHED 

part of the fuccboi squad...SHOUT OUT..shout out..aahhhh..was popping ooooo

he’s obnoxious and loud and dramatic and YET people love him thank you very much. doesn’t know when to stop honestly someone kick his ass. 

he’s been to school everywhere, studying abroad for high school, doing a year in england, a year at julliard and finally amsterdam, i’m just going to say he’s been here for 3 years and he’s going to graduate next semester. 

he’s a performance/composition major and the LEAD of the orchestra because he’s just that talented that vivaldi is shaking in his grave. a prodigy if you will because it’s not the only instrument he can play but his favorite. 

he comes from a home of socialites back in busan, his family dabbles in the arts. his family also decided his fate: arranged marriage. it’s a secret though, only haebin and haneul know about it. 

cue why he’s part of the squad, he went through people so fast, indulging himself in variety knowing that after he graduates he’ll be tied down and he hates the very idea of it. which is why he’s an ass and wont accept that he maybe really likes misun more than a hook-up, also the reason why he’s BEEN OUT OF THE GAME that the lads are noticing lmao 

anyways he’s a disaster but he loves his friends so much he just wants to Protecc

(kwon jiyong, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT [AHN DAEHYUN], THE [TWENTY-FIVE] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [SOUTH KOREA]? YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [ENT. BUSINESS] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, 20, she/her, pst)

he is the mom friend probably idk he’s always dd when the lads go out and does a run down of who’s where and if they’re ok before calling it a night when they go out 

he doesn’t party often, it’s honestly rare for him to go ALL OUT unless he knows he can handle it and he’s with minji who knows about his chronic fatigue syndrome 

it’s back and forth, getting rest doesn’t help him at all and so he’s taken up dancing as a hobby again, just one class where he can a good amount of exercise without stressing himself too much when he has too much on his plate

he’s all good now though, it’s part of him but it wasn’t as bad as when he used to be a trainee; daehyun was gonna become an idol if it weren’t for his health issues.

he moved to cali for a while to go to school there and check out an american industry but decided that entertainment business might be better for him, less stressful and he gets to manage and help people who wish to be part of it. 

anyways he sounds like a monotone dad when he texts but in person he’s more into conversations, a good time, and he really loves the lads. 

he’s also lowkey dating taemin’s sister but no one knows that lol.

(kim minseok, he/him, homosexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT [CHOI JISOO], THE [TWENTY-THREE] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [THE US]? YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [PERFORMANCE] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, 20, she/her, pst)

BOY, JISOO PROBABLY IS MY ONLY CHAR WITH A WILDT BACKGROUND

he’s from san francisco, ca. comes from a wealthy family, his dad was the ceo and founder of a large company ( dont ask me abt what yet tbh i’m thinking about it ); however the company only became big because they launder money. maybe deal with extortion but you know. 

jisoo had it all though, he had the luxuries, he had the city, the parties, everything. only child, he was next in line to take over and actually? he didn’t mind at all if he kept living the way he was, and bonus points? his dad didn’t give a fuck about his sexuality. it was a dream. 

until his crazy ass mom destroyed everything. she killed his dad but was found innocent in court because she bought the judge, and the jury? all hired by her. he was in that very courtroom when she was found innocent and before he knew it, he was being dragged out by his dad’s old lawyer and best friend. he needed to get out of there fast. 

jisoo is the only one who’s allowed to touch his inheritance, his dad made it very clear that everything was to go to him. his mother still had a joint account and she still has enough to live off until she’s dying from old age but her new boy toy, 10 years younger than her kinda wants the company. 

jisoo knows his mom killed his dad, he doesn’t have the evidence but he’s going to bring her down through the law or without the law because she took everything from him and he’s still reeling over it, he still has nightmares of finding his dad’s body. 

and also, choi jisoo is an alias. no one knows his real name. (lol not even me, i’ll get back to you on that). 

he’s in witness protection right now, undercover as a student from florida. he figured he might as well take some fun classes aka acting, dance, and studio arts. he doesn’t care for it knowing his life is set out but might as well. 

(kim namjoon, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [ZANDER YU]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-FOUR] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [THE US]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [PHOTOGRAPHY] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, 20, she/her, pst)

well, well, well if it isn’t the jack kerouac wanna-be. jk. he’s really not a bad person. maybe.

zander is a photographer, never staying in one place too long. he actually just arrived from mexico city and amsterdam is going to be the place he finishes his second degree. 

he’s basically that indie boy from all the coming-of-age films, an enigma if you will. simply because they way he presents himself is charming, fun, friendly. he’s the type of guy you get a crush on just because of how attentive he is, how he makes you feel so interesting, how he looks at you and touches you. and he knows it. 

he can read people’s emotions, he knows exactly how someone will feel before they feel it simply because of logic and tactic. 

he’s incredibly smart, pretentious even but that’s part of the charm. he talks about music, books, movies. his travels. he makes people fall for him because it’s fun, it sends a rush through him knowing someone is willing to do anything for him and then...he’s gone. because he can’t do the same for you, he doesn’t feel anything for anyone. he likes the concept of being with someone, idolizing them and then leaving them and he does it in a way that you can’t really point your finger at him and blame him. 

he’s really good at pretending to be someone he’s not tbh. like i want to emphasize that because i want to play him in a way that you really fall for it you know. anyways YEAH. 

(josefine frida pettersen, she/her, pansexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [LEONIE SCHÄFER]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-ONE] YEAR OLD [CISFEMALE] FROM [GERMANY]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [SOCIOLOGY] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, twenty, she/her, pst)

remember what i said abt a drunk josefine fc who ends up ranting abt how toxic capitalism is and why communism isn’t the answer like all those tumblr folk like to say? WELL HERE SHE IS 

she’s not a drunk lmao but if she’s at family dinners with the conservative side of her family, she GOES OFF she probably wouldnt go off at parties here unless she bumped into some asshole who wanted to mansplain something to her or whatever 

she’s no poli-sci major, she takes a class but it’s only for her to get educated and accumulate more knowledge to back her up in her actual major and just to be prepared for arguments 

i hate to say this bc wow cliche ! but....definitely noora vibes akhkjh i’m SORRY 

she really enjoys going to the weed cafes though, catch her in there with a book just enjoying her free time 

she has an accent !! considering english is her third language and french is secondl german obviously being the first. it’s cute rlly i was watching accent videos akljdhfj

still shes fluent in all three because it’s leonie why not 

her aesthetic would probably be better described by donna tartt but i’ll give it a go: cigarettes in her own special metallic case, long coats, boots, very formal/casual, billie holiday records, period drama movies as well as empowering movies, beige/dark browns and black, the smell of coffee beans, aesthetic instagram 

anyways uhh idk what else to add tbh if i think of anything i’ll mention it in the hc server on discord aklsjhdk

[viv-url]

one of the most difficult decisions of my life

I know that this is solely an art blog, but what I’ve decided recently is something that I know will impact my life incredibly, and as a result, my art as well. I’m going to drop out of my college studies in game design. It’s also a personal vent (sorry, I know this is an art blog lol, but this has been affecting me so much). 

I drew a whole comic today about it on twitter

, but I also wanted to write about it too since I haven’t expressed everything I wanted to.

First, I want to clarify one thing- I absolutely love this program, the facilities, professors, and my peers. I’ve learned so much about game design that I never knew before, they’re not just anything you can learn online, you are given the experience of working in teams and developing prototypes and games. I think it’s great for preparing those who are interested in entering the game dev industry.

But it was just- just too hard for me, I guess. Or too different. And also, it wasn’t the way I wanted to pursue my career in game design. I’m passionate about designing games, but I’m more passionate about the theories, narratives, and visual aspects of them. And I also felt that it held me back artistically, that I couldn’t improve as much as I wanted to.

I remember last semester, at some point I noticed I had been drowning myself in school work that I didn’t have time to draw at all. I decided to give myself a break and do an environmental study. At this point, I hadn’t drawn anything outside of games for 3 months. 

I was painting a picture I had taken on an autumn night, small trees creating a small path by the sidewalk. While I was painting, I took note of the colours, and learned that in that lighting, colours that were orange looked green when placed next to brown-red colours. It blew my mind!! As I kept painting, I studied the way the trees’ branches would cross each other and grow, and the shadows they cast on each other. 

I was just. taken into this place that I noticed, I haven’t been in so, so long. And that was because I wasn’t in an art program, I’m in a design program. I couldn’t help but keep thinking that I could’ve learned more things like this if I had chosen an art program.

This feeling kept getting stronger and stronger, until I’ve finally made my decision just recently.

But the one thing that was holding me back the whole time-- the thought of leaving my friends, kept eating at me. It’s still hanging on to me right now, since I haven’t told all of them yet.

They’re like family to me. They’re the best people I’ve ever met, and I just... I don’t want to leave them. It was so hard, but I know that this program isn’t what I want.

The past 2 years that I have gotten to know them, they’ve been a constant light in my life, one of the only things I ever look forward to when I wake up every day. They’re the number one reason I’ve gotten this far in game design.

But this semester, I was put into a class where I wasn’t with any of my close friends. I felt really isolated, pathetically alone, but it was the eye-opener. It was what made me realize, I can’t keep going just for them. And if I stayed solely to be with my friends-- doesn’t it mean I’d follow close behind if they dropped out later on? I can’t live my life like that.

A few days ago, I had been trying to design a level for a platformer. I had no idea how to do it, and researched a lot, watching videos and reading articles, drawing a bunch of drafts and trying to put it together. But I couldn’t do it, and I thought, “ok, why not, just program the parts of the platformer first, and then try to put it together like that?”

I was using a script for a platform moving back and forth from my teammate. The code made the platform move up and down, and I wanted it to move from side to side. Easy, right? Just change the movement from y to x. I did that... and it didn’t work!!! I don’t know why, it was so simple!!

My chest started aching, and I had trouble looking at the screen. I didn’t want to ask for help, for fear of my peers knowing how pathetically incompetent I was (they already know, and they didn’t care, but I did). I just sat there, and tears were welling up in my eyes, and I... it was just so easy!!! And I couldn’t even do that! I couldn’t design a level, and I couldn’t alter one line of code!!

My friend noticed something was wrong, and it was the first time I said I wanted to drop out seriously.

I want to get better at programming and designing, I really do. But I think that it’s because it was within the context of education, that I put too much expectations on myself to excel at it, even though the reason I was there in the first place was to learn, not prove that I’m good at it. I think that- if I rearrange the focus of my studies-- art first, programming and design second, it might benefit me.

But it’s been so hard, haha. The past few days, whenever I looked up from my computer screen and looked at my classmates, I kept thinking, “this might be the last time I see them.” I would look at the profs and the slides and think, “this might be the last time I learn such cool things like this.” And just like that, I had already adopted the mentality of a drop-out, and my desire and motivation for this program, friends aside, slipped through my fingers.

It feels bad because for so long, I had been holding on just for my love for my friends, and for the hope that I’d improve in the ways I wanted to in art, and in designing games.

I have this silly “handshake” (not really a handshake) thing I do with a friend, where when we see each other, we do a high kick and form an X with our legs, haha. We call it our Chun-Li kick. I almost forgot about it, and when I saw him yesterday, he told me to do it. It just made me. Really sad, all of a sudden, because I don’t ever want to stop doing the Chun-Li kick with him!!!

Also, when I told another friend that I was dropping out, he told me, “don’t ever say you’re bad. You’re good at so many things, you’re so hardworking, and you’re one of the best artists in our program, everyone knows it.” He gives me such high praise all the time. I know I’m going to miss it.

Then, he said, “we’ll still be friends, and we’ll always be there for you.”

And then that set off the waterfalls from my eyes. The only thing I mourn while I drop out is not being among my friends anymore. But I hope, with all my heart, that I continue being friends with them, and I can still see them. I love them so much.

What I’m doing is for myself and my art. I know it’s right, but god, my friends. I’ll miss them so much. But I know that as long as we all remain in the game dev community, we’ll still be connected.

That’s all. I know that this was just a really huge rant about my feelings in the end, but it’s been something that was eating away at me for a long time. It’s probably still going to stay with me for the rest of this year. I’m going to be a NEET very soon again, I’m scared of that too. Currently, I’m planning to apply for several art programs. But for now, I’ll cry until I feel a bit better.

Thanks for reading. ♥

[candymayvary]

You said you're not going to 'vet' blogs who follow your other account. Aren't you worried about who might read what you write, or be able to interact with your stuff? Especially minors? It seems a bit reckless, and pushing the decision onto others to know what might happen isn't good.

This is definitely an ask that should have been directed towards my main, and not here. I’ll answer it anyway, and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter. My opinion. Under the cut. Sorry if you’re on mobile.

Quite frankly, I don’t give two shits about who reads what. That’s kind of the be all and end all of my opinion on the sudden frantic purity fascination we have developed on tumblr, especially in (at least) the last five years. 

Fanwork, but writing especially, because that’s my area of expertise, is there to create universes with existing characters. Expand stories. Fill in gaps. Put well loved characters in a whole new life. Use the universe to create a story with your own OCs. It’s a really under appreciated form of work (but that’s a debate for another day), but it’s really fucking powerful in what it does. No matter what the rating could be. Something fluffy and sweet and all goodness is just as powerful at sending a message as something nitty, gritty, R18. I firmly believe that - it’s all about execution. 

Now, not to sound crotchety by going ‘the good old days’, but we’ve got such a knee-jerk reaction to ‘what if minors see?!’ that it’s literally that 50s housewife with perfectly kept blonde hair in her Sunday best crying in church ‘think of the children!’. I will obviously agree there’s quite a bit of stuff to keep away from those a good 10yrs younger than me, but like. You can see it on the news. In papers. Private sessions on a web browser to find free porn lmfao. Video games have just very simple warnings, and it’s not until one fan on the internet is like ‘hey guys, watch out for this!’. Like, when Mad Max: Fury Road came out, I saw a post two months later actually detailing that a pregnant woman gets crushed under a car. I hadn’t seen it then, but it took over a month for someone to finally stick their hand up and be like: great movie, but watch out for this sort of stuff. 

I think it kind of diminishes the critical thinking that those under the age of 18 are capable of too, and to only police fan works as opposed to everything else is kind of fucking stupid. Fan works have become so important to the development and continuing growth of industries, because they won’t have an audience otherwise. Creating discourse and discontent in the fandom breaks that cycle of fanwork, meaning people won’t get interested because their favourite artist or writer stopped drawing/writing, so less fans for a company. Especially indie companies - they rely on fan positivity (not purity). 

My personal experience is that I came into fandom at the end of strikethrough, and stumbled wildly through ff.net at the age of 12 (or 11, around then). I didn’t know any better at that time, because my friend who was a year older, and my other friend who was a year younger, we were all into Harry Potter and Naruto. I’m not saying it was a good experience, and I’m not saying it was a bad one either. Honestly it was quite eye opening lmao shit be wild but I guess it’s also made me... more nonchalant? Apathetic? To tumblr purists screaming and ranting. I’ve been posting online too, since then. I’ve scrubbed my old accounts clean the older I’ve gotten, but I still have all my original writing (on paper, in coloured pens, with really bad ‘manga style’ drawings lol).

Also I have had my own fics torn down because someone out there didn’t agree with the ship, and they claimed it contained like sexual abuse and stuff... 2013-2016 was not a good period of my fandom experience, as I lost a lot of friends to both sides of the purity debate, gained plenty more, but fanwork from everyone I knew came to a halt because everyone was so afraid of questions like this. One wrong answer and poof! There goes any credibility. Especially with how easily people fling around legal terms and the like, a lot of creativity has already been killed off from the aggressiveness and awfulness that some people are capable of. They don’t care, obviously, but they’ve hurt so many people so far... 

TLDR; Basically, make up your own minds. There are things I’m going to write, there are things I’m not going to write. There’s going to be descriptions, if you’re worried send an ask about something in particular. Make your web experience the experience you want and need, not what people tell you it should be. And if that includes some NSFW, because quite frankly teen years are terrible and confusing and incredibly hormonal, live your best life my dudes. If a NSFW fic at 3 in the morning makes you happy, because school sucks and you don’t know why you’re up then anyway, go for it. I’m not stopping you.

[catotheyoungest]

Being an Introvert and How to Make Their Life a Nightmare

yeah I’ve been quiet for almost a year and I break it with a rant lol

There’s a lot going on in my life I can’t freaking deal with but the newest development of unfortunate things in the pile of disaster that is my life is something that has moved so far past being offensive or anger-inducing that it’s entered the realm of completely baffling because you must have been raised on an alien planet to act like this.

First things first, I am an introvert. By now you’ve probably seen a bunch of videos and articles and infographics about what this is and how to deal with someone who’s introverted, I’m just going to sum all that up for time. 

Hi, I’m an introvert. I enjoy space and time to myself. Sometimes it’s for long periods of time and sometimes it’s not. My quietness does not mean I’m mad at you or annoyed by you, my reluctance for contact does not mean I’m rude, I’m not inherently shy, I don’t hate being around people. All it means is that I’m an inward looking person, I spend a lot of time in my own head and I enjoy it. I like to take time to think and observe when presented with new situations but I’m always paying attention, even if I never say anything you are always in my thoughts. Spending time with people requires a lot of energy from me and I need to remove myself from social life to replenish it. I still care about you and I will resurface when I’m ready. Do not give up on including me in your life and don’t assume other people not constantly interacting with you has anything or everything to do with you.

Now here is how you take an introvert and make their home life suck.

I’ve had to deal with a new, very sudden living situation, and I thought I could handle it, but it’s been very rough and I wish I’d had other options I could have chosen. But all of that is completely unrelated to the people I’m living with. One is my best friend since I was 14, she’s known me for like 12 years, she knows my personality and how I work and doesn’t question my need for space or silence. She and I mesh well because of this understanding. Her boyfriend however baffles me. One of the first conversations I had in this house, like these exact words left my mouth with the household in the room “I’m an introvert. Sometimes I like being alone for a long time and I’m not big on touching”

One of them got it, guess what happened with the other.

There wasn’t really a problem until after Christmas and New Year’s. I don’t really have a door I can lock as my room is the basement and the laundry is down here and really the only thing blocking off my bed area is my bookshelves, so there’s already a lack of privacy that sets me on edge a little when people are here. But I was left alone and I thought “cool my space will be respected.” Until I started waking up to being hugged? Or just touched in general. Like I’ve never met a person that’s just super platonically cuddly by nature to the point where they think it’s ok to just do it to whoever. Or just randomly coming to me at my desk while I’m doing stuff to just go “Hey I’m bored.” and then just sit their like I’m expected to transform into an entertainer. And constantly ask to “show them art stuff” or what am I doing/reading/talking to/why can’t I see the photos on your phone/why won’t you show me your art files

Like DUDE. Even if I wasn’t private by nature that’s still pretty rude. I’m not here as a source of entertainment. My space is not just open season because I don’t have a door to shut.

Eventually I got a little grumpy because I was constantly being touched and cuddled especially in my BED where I’m SLEEPING? Like seriously? My family never even touched me past a hug and then I move somewhere else and suddenly cuddles and hugs and “playful” boob grabs that might be fun and fine to the rest of our mixed circle of friends but not to me, become a constant thing. And I never snapped, never yelled, never made a confrontation. On top of being introverted I’m a very anxious person, I stay out of the way and avoid conflict, when I have problems with people it’s usually because they came up to me and started making an ass of themselves or said something to me that was offensive. But god forbid I get slightly visibly annoyed after months of having no personal space because then I get constant texts about him martyring himself. “Oh I’m so stupid” “I’ll just fuck off” and “I’m sorry” said about a million times.

Like ok, great you want to apologize, but you’re making it all about you. Once you say I’m sorry and I say it’s cool, drop it. And then even my own personal business is apparently free for everyone to just take charge of. There was an incident one Friday night where I got a text along the lines of “hey I’m bored I’m going to help you find a video game design job” First of all, loving the fact that my personal life is something to entertain yourself hen I’m bored, second of all, boy do you even know where to look? Because this is someone who started off the conversation with “graphic design is the same thing right?” yeah right like I’m going to trust you to know how to navigate your way around an industry you know nothing about. Like I’m flattered by the want to help, seriously, that’s really touching that you care, that was just approached completely the wrong way and this is something I would rather take care of on my own or get help from friends who are more familiar with the subject. I even offered the compromise of, if you found someone who wants like a mural painted or see someone needing a person to illustrate a book or a poster or wants a portrait or something, please tell me, that would be just as helpful. But he just kept pushing and insisting and coming off like he knew better than me about my own turf. 

Not to mention this nonsense happened RIGHT after I had gotten a bundle of rejection letters for jobs I’d applied to and it hit me really hard, because I’ve been trying for years and failing at nearly everything I’ve set out to do. To the point where I’m completely lost on how to proceed with my life or what I want out of life anymore. And that night just getting another dead end just hit me a little harder than usual. And I’m not expecting people to be mind readers, but just coming in and taking charge and implying I’m lazy or not trying by assuming everything about me without much thought is just...ugh. I was mad. That and I know it was a joke but I swear to god “lol you could apply to Hooters” did not help.

Like I’m utterly baffled because I have never in my life had to explain to someone, hey don’t touch my boobs, hey my boobs aren’t part of my personality, hey don’t manhandle me in my own bed just because you want me to wake up, hey don’t stick your nose in my personal business when I didn’t ask for help.

And I’m even more confused because there’s no malicious intent, there’s no ulterior motive, it’s just platonic ignorance and my personality and existing conditions have no clue how to deal with a person like this. I’ve had a ton of guy friends in the past and even male roommates before and not once ever has anyone of them crossed the line. I had lots of female roommates cross every possible line ever though, but back then I also had like 10 hours of school a day and they would usually fuck off until 4 in the morning so after a bit I never saw them.

And I’ve said that I need space, I’ve said I’m not really comfortable being touched, I’ve asked nicely to back off, and today I even had to hold his hand and walk him through what being an introvert is, again, and he still is missing some key points.

There is nothing wrong with me. I’m not broken, I do not need to be fixed. It took me a long time growing up to accept this part of myself and that it was ok, and to grow into it and learn to be mindful and learn how to make and keep friendships without compromising what makes me feel happy and safe. I only have a few close friends but they’re deeper and more fulfilling relationships to me than I’d get if I had many friends. And when I’m in my own head I may not be very open, but if I’m given the space and time when I do open up I’m amazingly adventurous and eager to explore and have fun and I’m funny and love telling stories, I have things to say and like my voice to be respected. It can just take me awhile to ant to speak, because I don’t like to unless I have something to say. And this is fine. This is who I am and it’s great. I’m my own unique person just like everyone else on this planet isn’t the same as any other. 

I’m definitely not perfect and I know that not everyone is going to be either. I just wish I didn’t have to work so hard to make someone understand me when I’ve never had this problem with other people before. Up until this point nothing like this has been an issue, people understood my boundaries without me having to give them a presentation on how some people are different than you.

If you know someone that’s introverted, just give them their space, that’s all I ask. Try to understand that they’re different and listen to their needs. If it really bothers you talk to them and CLEARLY explain how you feel, we’re not aloof or cold, we’re willing to compromise and find solutions that can accommodate all parties. And if you’re an introvert, be prepared for some people to just not get it. There’s going to be people who can’t read body language or take a hint even if you explain yourself. All you can do is politely talk to them and hope it works out. If it doesn’t then maybe they aren’t worth your time, just focus on keeping the peace or find a better place to move yourself to if possible.

Introverted or not, all any of us can do is our best and you’re not going to be able to coexist with everyone and that’s fine, it doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Sorry this is such a downer of a post I just...life’s been really difficult and something like this shouldn’t really be a problem but someone is insisting that it should be and I don’t need this right now and I needed to write down my thoughts. |D