#if ed acknowledges he's unhealthily selfless and /good/ it's like for him somehow admitting what he did was okay.

[fullmtal]

one day i’m going to just write a full analysis (note a lot i want to i have a full notebook of notes hoo hoo) and hate it on edward’s hubris vs shou tucker hitting him right where it shakes him to the core . you did it because you believed you could! look at your body! look at your brother! isn’t that ‘messing with people’s lives?! we’re the same.’ 

 how edward is fundamentally not the same but the outcome sure as hell is even if he’s nothing like that freak, his actions came from grief, desperation, and he was a child overwhelmed by grief. in the manga you seem him wailing at trisha’s funeral.  but they sure are foils in why they did what they did. that is undeniable., but ultimately to me, the ringleader for his little brother into a situation that i honestly think ed feels is no different than a living death because note how alphonse literally says and is wary and unsure from the start: isn’t human transmutation forbidden?

but yeah a living death alphonse endures. without even BLAMING ed although he  does rightfully and realistically snap at him post labaratory five. he’s on borrowed time. especially when the blood rune is temporary. for him it’s like he  damned his mother, he damned his little brother. and he just shoulders that alone, and refuses to really let alphonse know the extent of his own trauma the entire series, part because he’s the big brother, part because he will always feel it is /his/ fault for strongarming the entire calamity that stole their bodies.

also i want to write about edward’s transition via growth from icarus to the sun. i like how nina is a constant nightmare for edward and alphonse the entire series as well, she isn’t just an afterthought. she’s real, they loved her like a baby sister, and she died. also an analysis on the pocketwatch why edward literally just doesn’t tell alphonse initially about it at all, it’s a token of /shame and guilt/.

arrogance vs self-loathing. i find it interesting people associate ed with sloth when it’s always, always been pride. arrogance that is both a veneer to hide his overwhelming guilt, burden and self-hatred and also just part of his personality. not as a genius, or an alchemist. but himself. 

that’s why he’s constantly racing against the clock. that’s why even as a personality trait, its amplified to dangerous levels how willing he is to die and give up his life for his brother , and also in contrast be so stubborn to live. 

i have a lot more but hoo. ed may act like a gremlin but i think this is both a front for the times when he shows how he really is...far older than anyone should be as a fifteen year old most of the series and --- how he really is, for his immense failure and sin against his brother, his broken promise to his teacher, a flawed, but incredible big brother who refuses to acknowledge the overwhelmingly good traits of selflessness and drive and kindness because that means he’s somehow ‘forgiving himself’. 

he does so much behind al’s back and is it right? no. but is he trying to spare him , and while it is borderline coddling , he also is just fully aware every second he eats, drinks, sleeps, that alphonse can’t. isn’t he suffering enough? if he can spare him any burden or pain despite alphonse wisely calling ed out? edward will. he’s a big brother, even if his height says otherwise.

and it’s ed’s fault. no one can convince him otherwise. i really think and believe fully that ed finally after bottling his pain / grief / anger / guilt / burdens are something he starts to try ‘healing’ with his found family and friends post promised day. it’s not pretty. i think a lot of people think ed is an asshole and that’s valid but the series is constantly reinforcing edward’s kindness and benevolence.

he just doesn’t want to acknowledge it because he ‘lost that right’. who should be able to think he’s a good person / heroic when he practically killed his little brother and slandered his mother’s remains? 

not him. he’ll shoulder it alone. until alphonse gets sick of it. and he DOES.

but yeah bastard tucker vs edward and their differing reasons...but end result was the same no matter how borderline innocent / desperate edward’s intentions were. 

 this is a big brother. this is a big brother refusing alphonse without his permission to say without saying it you have suffered enough because of me. and how you don’t hate me i’ll never understand. so let me be the big brother and shoulder the majority. despite being a team. 

i could go into if that’s just his way of trying to atone in futility or just -- again, edward tries so hard to spare alphonse. he tries so hard and continues to sacrifice for him. it’s why when alphonse does reverse uno on the promised day that edward literally is almost in shock that it’s the other way around. edward and alphonse are equally not okay that’s blatant and it’s disturbing because they’re physically so young but mentally....it’s a split imho.

 but as the protagonist, we see it primarily through edward’s eyes. a genius / person with insane effort to prevail both hate and have confidence in himself and his talent. 

and if push comes to shove alphonse’s restoration comes first / if it boiled down to only one choice. after all what’s so bad about an arm and a leg compared to him. it’s notable edward rarely mentions his own restoration in most media, it’s alphonse who reminds him ‘and we have to restore you too brother’. and how edward rarely replies.