#if i actually wrote the au out it'd be really angsty and gruesome but really i dont have the interest so probably not happening

[dreamingreality00]

71 and 69 hmu w that good pshmirtz content fam ;0 (its okay if theyre separate or joined fics whatever works

“Perrrryyyyyy,” Heinz whined at his companion as he swiped the card to unlock the door to their hotel room. He heard his voice crack and he knew he was pouting, but he was too sore and tired to care. His back felt as if he just slept on a pile of rocks, and his neck like he’d done it standing up. His arms and legs felt like dead, cramped up weights, and in all honesty, he would have stomped his foot at Perry had he been able to lift it high enough. “Perry the Platypus, I’m never going to be able to move again in my life. I’m going to fall right here on this dirty hotel floor and sleep until I die, and it’s all because of you.”

Scoffing and rolling his eyes, Perry opened the door and gestured to the bed. After his mind took a brief trip to the gutter, Heinz groaned and shuffled his feet across the room and over to it, glaring at Perry as he passed. Never before had he been so thankful for the small size of the room they were staying in, taking about six shuffles before flopping down on the bed. He hummed in satisfaction as his back sank into the soft mattress and his head into the cool pillows. The physical relief he felt with finally being able to lay down almost made him forget to continue complaining at Perry. Almost.

Without raising his head to look at Perry, he started up again. “I don’t even see why we had to dance that much anyways right before going to look for clues. What did it do for the mission? Nothing! Maybe I should go back to being an evil scientist and make an -inator that would prevent dancing forever. Yeah, I’ll do that!”

He looked up at Perry, who was used to the empty threats by then and shrugged it off. You’re my fake husband, deal with it. And besides, the dancing was so they would assume we were too tired to do anything other than come back up here and go to sleep, Perry signed to Heinz.

Too tired to come up with a retort, Heinz settled for groaning again, this time louder, until Perry picked up some clothes and disappeared into the cramped bathroom to get ready for bed. Heinz briefly thought of waiting for Perry to get out and doing the same, but really, it wouldn’t have been the first time he slept in his day clothes, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. Besides, unless a fire decided to start up in the hotel, Heinz wasn’t sure he would be able to get out of that bed until after he got some sleep. He settled for kicking off his shoes, removing his belt, and taking off his sweater, tossing everything on the floor next to his bed.

He heard the shower start up in the bathroom, and figured he would be able to drift off to sleep before Perry got back. He hoped so, at least. Working with O.W.C.A. was fun, it really was. It was also fulfilling, it gave him a sense of purpose. If it weren’t for certain things, he probably wouldn’t have a single problem with the job. Certain things including being forced to do this mission, being forced to pretend to be married to Perry, and being forced to share a bed with the man. Certain things that made it harder and harder to hide his feelings.

Sure, he’d always felt something for Perry. Even as his nemesis, Perry made Heinz’s stomach do flips and his throat tighten up. He had thought that when they started to become friends, his affection for Perry would be revealed and ruin things, but it didn’t. Even so, the more time they spent together because of O.W.C.A. and the lack of a nemesis-typical boundary between them, the harder it got for Heinz to hide how he felt.

Then Monogram decides to put him on this mission.

Fake marrying Perry was fine and all. It might have hurt to look at the ring on his left hand and know it wasn’t real, but he could deal with it. But having to be around Perry every second of the day? Going out in public and holding hands, sharing loving looks, light kisses on his face or lips, and arms around his shoulder? Sharing a bed with Perry? It hurt. It hurt more than his back after the hour of dancing he did, more than when he was forced to be a lawn gnome, more than when he and Charlene got divorced. Every kiss, every look, every night spent in a bed too small for personal space with the man he cared about who didn’t feel the same way, it all hurt. What hurt the most, though, was knowing that it would all be gone as soon as they figured out who was behind the recent kidnappings and got them behind bars. It had only been a week of this mission and already he’d forgotten what sleeping alone felt like.

He was screwed.

Covering his face with his hands and letting out a bitter laugh, he turned over in the bed and curled his knees up to his chest. He remembered what Major Monogram had told them before they left to go undercover.

“Now I know acting like a convincing married couple will be pretty hard, especially with your history as nemeses, but you need to remember what’s at stake here. Heinz, you most of all, seeing as Perry has had his training already. Just remember-”

“All you need to do is act like you care about each other a million times more than you do,” Heinz finished out loud, his face scrunching up in anger. Being this tired really wasn’t helping him keep his emotions in check. “Funny, Monogram. I’m a good actor when I need to be, but if you can find a world where I can do that, you let me know. I don’t think I could love him any more than I already do.”

His anger and hurt exhausting him further, he gave in and decided to fall asleep. He pulled a blanket up to his shoulders and turned around to get more comfortable, a flash of teal appearing in front of him as he did so. Closing his eyes, he sunk further into the bed and-

Wait. Fuck.

Reluctantly, he cracked open one eye to confirm his suspicions. Yep. In front of him stood Perry, mouth open and eyes wide. Cringing, he sat up and opened his other eye. Well, he could at least try to salvage their friendship.

“Um, I, you uh, heard that, didn’t you?” He stammered. Shaking his head and blinking, Perry seemed to get it together and nod. Stomping down the urge to pull the comforter over his head and never come out, he continued. “I, um, that wasn’t… wasn’t what it sounded like. I, well you see, I was um…” he rambled off, trying and ultimately failing to come up with an excuse. There went that. “I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, his stomach twisted making him feel sick, his chest squeezed so tight it hurt, and a chill went through his body. His eyes filled up with tears and his throat felt tight. This was it. He finally did it. He screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to him, and all because of some useless mission and his carelessness. He knew as soon as he looked up he would find the same disgust in Perry’s eyes that he had seen countless times before. In his father’s, Charlene’s, his brother’s. Instead, he pressed his palms hard against his eyes and choked back tears. He wouldn’t guilt Perry into feeling sorry for him. Despite his efforts, a sob worked its way up through the knot in his throat and past his lips, spilling out as some sort of watery hiccup.

Immediately, he felt a familiar arm around his shoulders. He instinctively leaned into the attached body as he broke down, feeling hopeless. His eyes burned and his throat was sore by the time he calmed down enough to notice the hands rubbing small circles into his back. Remembering who it belonged to, he pulled back, opening his mouth to stammer out another apology. “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to… I mean I know you don’t feel the same, the same way and I just don’t-”

He stopped and clamped his mouth shut when Perry held up a hand and gave him a gentle look. Tentatively, he waited for what Perry had to say.

Heinz, he began, a soft smile on his face as he signed, it’s okay. Stop and let me finish, he signed sternly when Heinz looked ready to speak again. The only reason Monogram assigned you to this mission with me was because I told him I wouldn’t do it with anyone else. Nobody else could even act like they know me as much as you do, and… he paused before finishing, there’s nobody else I’d rather be here with anyways, because I love you, too.

Heinz blinked once, twice, then three times. Searching Perry’s face to make sure he heard right, he felt the knots in his chest loosen and form again for completely different reasons.

“You… you love me, too?” he asked. A giddy smile made its way on his face after he received a nod and smile in return. Unable to contain it, he suddenly doubled over giggling.

As he caught his breath and calmed down, he looked back up at Perry, who was giving Heinz a look similar the ones he put on for their mission, but one that felt somewhat more real. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to Perry’s lips. Pulling back, he let out one final huff of laughter.

“As much as I would love to sit here and talk about this, I’m officially worn out beyond measure. Can we talk in the morning, Perry the Platypus?”

To answer, Perry leaned back down onto the bed and gently pulled Heinz down with him, taking Heinz’s arm and wrapping it around his middle. Heinz hummed and snuggled into the warmth of the smaller man’s body pressed up against his, and fell asleep instantly, feeling lighter than ever before.