#if i see that fucking akiba maid war vomit gif one more fucking time im gonna make a whole rant about just it next time I HATE IT

[ilaiyayaya]

Finally Another Long Schizo-post, Been Too Long

Fuck I need to stop making everything a draft again and like actually post things, this blog exists for a fucking reason, and that reason is only partially for awawa_happy.mp4. I need to stop fucking reverting back into neet-mode every time I somewhat open up I literally made this to have an outlet to more easily prevent that.

Fuck I effectively went back into isolation again without even realizing it. In the last 6 months I have barely left my house outside of going to work and occasionally buying groceries, and I've even been buying groceries less frequently specifically because I've become afraid to go out in public most days again. Even when I do go somewhere now I more often than not spend like 30 minutes just sitting in my car trying to calm my nerves before going inside and it wasn't until today that I noticed I'd consistently been doing that again recently. Around August my car was broken for nearly 2 months and because of that I wasn't really able to go anywhere non-essential during that time, and I feel like that's probably what's started this downward spiral, before then I'd pretty consistently went somewhere fun every other weekend, and uhhh now I don't do that ever at all. It definitely didn't help that a few weeks ago I was stuck in my house for an entire week due to snow, and that was not a fun week, I think I may have actually been traumatized from being stuck in isolation for years before because within a single day of that week I was breaking. I really need to find the motivation to actually go out and do something more frequently again, it'd probably be a lot healthier than just rotting away at home.

In general I've felt a lot more anxiety-ridden recently, and the last month especially has been like, really bad. For as long as I can remember, usually my mental state fucking plummets around the holidays, but it always rebounds pretty quickly around January, that did not happen this year, very fucked up. I don't even know why exactly I've felt so shit this month, like there have been a few bad things happen but like, nothing more than like the average of most months, and a lot worse things happened in the latter months of last year than this past month. Like, my job's been even more hellish than usual recently, but like, outside of work I can't really pinpoint much, and I've literally been feeling worse on days where I'm off than when I'm at work so like, I don't think it's only that. But yea anyways anxiety bad, I've been a lot more nervous and irritable lately and that's not really fun, and I have a lot of weird, bad habits I do when I'm nervous like running my hands through my hair or biting myself that I've been doing way more recently and like, my hands hurt, I literally have a light bite mark on my wrist right now and I wasn't even conscious I was biting my wrist until I started thinking about writing this.

Lalala work bad I hate work, work fucking SUCKS right now. There's like double the people there normally are and that's gonna remain the case for the next month at least and it's too fucking loud and people are scary and it's too fucking cold. Actually I think I figured out one of the reasons I feel like shit even on my days off recently, my schedule fucking sucks right now, I'm not even working that many hours but every week I'm alternating between having to wake up at like 6 a.m. and having to be at work at like nearly midnight and it's massively fucked up my sleep schedule and now I've just been eeping in like 2 hour intervals at completely random times throughout the day and I constantly feel eepy and some days I sleep like 1 hour and other days I sleep like 15 and I feel exhausted either way and now that I'm thinking about being eepy I'm getting eepy honk shoo honk shoo hoooonk mimimi that's a lie I'm not eeping I can't eep until I finish writing this otherwise I'll forgor everything I was gonna write zzzzzzz.

Lalalalalalalalalalala bangs pans together really loudly to scare away the demons of self-consciousness (not to be confused with the angels of self-consciousness which are actually far worse). Dude being a girl is really cool and all but like whoever invented gender dysphoria is really actually not my friend (it was god, god did it, mods invert god's controls until he apologizes). Like I've always kinda hated myself in a lot of ways, and feeling dysphoric about my body especially is not at all a new thing, me being trans isn't even a new thing, but like with each passing month it just feels like it gets worse and this month was a big spike. Also I started slowly coming out to most of my friends like 6 months ago and most of them have been like relatively fine about it, but I've like kinda sorta maybe (?) sorta lost 2 friends and like 2 isn't a big number but it still feels pretty shit to have 2 people you considered friends, even if not super close friends, just stop talking to you completely. Anyways I don't know how to write about this kind of stuff without being too embarrassed or internally dying so no more gender talk BEGONE!!! maybe I'll eventually make a full post about it that I don't just keep as a roughdraft, someday.