#if it wasn't a think I'm just used to I'd be worried I'd caught covid or something but it feels like the chronic cough

[medicinemane]

Ok, can I just complain about what has just clicked to me that it's actually a full on trend with youtube thumbnails?

Fucking sick of the pointing arrow with "winner?" every fucking time there's anything that involves any kind of competition these days

Saw it a little, thought it was dumb, but it's becoming more and more and more common and... and I'm not even that mad at the people who do it cause I get it, but fuck I'm sick of it and fuck I'm kinda sick of... of if it's working the people who have shiny brain and click cause oh! must find out, or if it's not working the youtube algorithm for I guess making it seem like it work

Actually I suppose I just am fucking tired of the whole culture that leads to it in the first place of fucking gotta have jingling keys at all time, gotta fucking consume, always need something to consume

Fuck man, I'm almost glad that some days like the past couple I've just kind of sat around in malaise, bored out of my mind while not being able get myself to do anything I wanted or find anything that was entertaining... but like, fuck, I think I'd rather get like that sometimes but know how to just sit through it than have to have new content every second of every day or else

(And this isn't a straw man and this isn't railing against the youth or something, I know a dude that's like that who is a bit older than I am)

"Winner?", man, just fucking pitch me what's happening and I'll watch it or not

[orbees]

Blegh

My therapist and I keep missing eachother like this is the fourth week we've had to reschedule and part of it is def me cause I've had to ask too but @___@ damn I could rly use some therapy rn I've been like. In a constant state of anxiety. graduating opens the door for so many opportunities but also Everything about the job hunting process is terrifying. And honestly that's something I need to be working on sooner than later but I still just feel. So tired. U think after 2 weeks off I'd feel better but nope. Granted I spent most of that time being rly sick but. Yeah

I've been rly worried about that too and just having caught covid so many times in general 🙃 my lungs were already shot and covid definitely made them worse. The fatigue and brain fog lingers for so long after too it makes it so hard to do anything. It's just like wouldn't it be awesome if I did all this work not even to be able to hold down a job 👍

I worry a lot about getting sick more too I cannot keep getting reinfected with covid man and I'm like. The only one who even masks around here anymore >_< I'm hoping maybe to get an online job to try to mitigate some of these issues but they're def rly hard to find. I also have to take another test b4 I can get certified and pfhfbfhhtbfbfhtbt

Honestly all of this is just that transitional period blues I know as I start finding my direction more it'll get better just ugh. I wish this shit wasn't so hard. It's like damn for all ableds talk about wanting disabled ppl to work they sure make it damn near impossible.

I just wish it was easier rly. I feel like I say that a lot but. Damn if it isn't my constant

[roo-bastmoon]

Expecting Jimin and JK to be glued at the hip at all time more than we do see from the glimpses we get (which says a lot) is laughable, not to mention really unhealthy, especially among their ot7 group routine who are all close as family. They have their parents, friends, their own work commitments and contract. It makes no sense for them not to want some time apart if they are togethet or even just Bff's. Especially when Jimin's solo turn is coming up and he might want to see how things are looking and how it's being done first hand. Some people here sounds like they have no real idea of how adult relationship looks like (and completly ignore the fact they aren't out or had the messy risky year they had) or pretending to be worried to stir drama tbh. Unless we start to sense some bad blood and resentment between them which I see none, there's no reason to start create fake bad scenarios or dramas for them like "how could he not attend his beau event!?!?" when they themselves don't seem to care and clearly keep enjoying being around each other for reasons of their own. Having their own thing while keep spending time together might be the thing that keeps them steady and giddy for a decade now and helps them control the crazy hate they recieve. Whatever they chose to do seems to be working great so people should really stop with the whole "they don't like eo anymore" loop, it's been years.

I agree completely with everything you've said, especially worrying about not seeing them Always Together now (which, admittedly, used to be a Thing specific to Jikookery). They are in the later half of their twenties and starting a whole new career chapter; it just makes sense they'd have individual stuff going on, and it's a good thing.

I can't speak for my Nonies, but I think where I was getting caught up this spring was... so, I'm like toddler Army right now, right? I started watching Jimin dance compilations in December and then DEVOURED Jikook clips all through the holidays and January. So I got the impression that Jikookery happened constantly, because I had 8+ years of content instantly at my fingertips.

Then there was the Great Jimin Drought of Early 2022. And I was convinced there had been a bad break up and he was off nursing his wounds alone or something (I didn't know anything about the insurance premiums/mail situation or that his info was leaked online--that didn't hit the news until late April). When Jimin did appear in a few things, like on the walnut Vlive or photoshoots, he seemed so quiet and his energy was muted, compared to what I'd perceived as his normal giggly self.

So then I started wondering what had changed. He'd been through serious illness, and JK and the others never really mentioned it (Tae did post a lovely photo online and answered some WeVerse questions, praise Jesus). So I looked back at content and I started to see that round about when COVID hit, Jimin would mostly be the one reaching out to JK and JK would accept him but often not initiate. The vibes felt off. I wondered if they'd had an amicable breakup at some point. (I'm sure Memories 2021 is about to blow that theory to smithereens and I am HERE FOR IT.)

Now, there were some cute moments in Seoul concert but also some major awkwardness too. I began to really worry that Jimin wasn't loved as much as he loved. Like, the behind the scenes Grammy video had some cute Vmin moments but barely any interaction between Jikook at all. Vibes were just different than what I'd expected. But then the Vegas concert was off the chain with Jikookery, my good lord. So I was like "naw, they are still stupid in love, it's fine."

But then they came home together and we had the Second Great Jimin Drought of Mid-2022. Right around the time the supposed scandal hit--his OST was coming out and within hours on the same day, news was blowing up about his "apartment seizure." Jimin was MIA for weeks. He never said a word about that issue or his OST. Neither did any of his members.

Plus his OST got no official playlist, a shortened first-day release, wasn't listed on the K-pop charts, wasn't played on the radio until fans requested it--hell, he didn't even have an official Spotify account for the first three days so folks had to HUNT for his song. He didn't mention his OST until the WeVerse article came out in summer and he did that radio spot just recently with Sungwoon. I realize With You is a YamYam production, not Hybe, but all of the members have hyped-up non-Hybe content before, especially on their own social media. So this complete radio silence had me super confused.

And then on Proof, he was the only member who didn't have his own demo track (Tony Montana is cool and all but it is not the same). So I had to suspect that the reason Jimin seemed so withdrawn this year is that someone at the company was doing him dirty and none of his members really had his back, at least not publicly. (I had no evidence of this, my mind just went there as a possible reason.)

What worried me most is that throughout early 2022--through the mail tampering, the info doxxing, the apartment seizure, COVID, appendicitis, and whatnot--I didn't see an ounce of support from Jungkook, his (supposed) lover. Jungkook would come on insta or Live and not even say Jimin's NAME for months. A true departure from the typical Jikookery I had just binge-watched. He was still super attentive and affectionate with all his other members but acted like he'd never met Jimin in his life. (And Jimin did the same--even when Joon mentioned Jungkook working out, Jimin went quiet and then changed the topic.) Had he not been seen with Jimin on White Day, I would have assumed JK had abandoned him during his troubles. (Again, no evidence, my mind just went there. I am human. Thoughts come without invitation, sometimes, and take up residence.)

Follow that up with so MUCH Jimin on his Insta (keep being jealous, we hugged, he is mine!) and hanging out every night after the concert, sitting off alone together at restaurants and working out together late at night, and I got whiplash. Does JK only acknowledge Jimin when abroad? When not in work mode? When high off a performance?

Thank GOD for blogs like Stormblessed and Kanmom51 and ParkParkJeon who meticulously archive things and give rational discussions and balanced perspectives. Even still, it took me quite a while to accept what older Army kept telling me: long stretches with a lack of interaction is normal for them, they are fine, don't expect them to be loud all the time when together, remember they are in the closet and under constantly scrutiny, etc. etc. etc.

I'm one of those people who loves data. You cannot give me enough data. I will take all the evidence in the world and recalibrate my opinions with each new sliver. But that really lends itself to a propensity to overthink and over analyze. As you said, it becomes a perpetual loop, and it isn't productive. So now I eagerly wait for new content, but, I try not to freak out if I'm not getting much of ANY content. That's not a sign that something is wrong, not with Jikook anyway.

I've decided in the end that what I need as a Jimin and BTS fan is to see Jimin and BTS happy and thriving. If Jimin is getting himself loved up by Jungkook in addition to that, bonus, that brings me such joy. But it's also not my business and I wouldn't want for them to endure the fallout that comes with being outed. So I just try really hard to walk that line between being curious/excited, and being obtrusive/demanding, you know?

And I will say: the gentle way Jungkook chose to rest his hand overtop Jimin's while they both giggled alone in the dark at the back of Hobi's party? I can dine out on that for weeks. They seem good. I'm good. :-)

[littleapocalypsekitten]

I've never had the courage to vandalize my neighborhood and I feel a bit bad about it. So, I was just reading about someone who takes their dog out to have a poop in the yard of a neighbor with a pro-life / anti-choice bumper-sticker on their car as a form of silent protest. Reading the comments on that made me think about neighbors I used to have. It's too late to do playful vandalism now, as they've picked up and moved far away to Florida, but, ooooh, the temptation. So, on the corner near the sub-divided house where I live in an apartment was what me and my own referred to as The Trump House. We would shout "Truuuuuuump House!" while shaking our fists in the air when they had overly loud parties in in imitation of a scene in Futurama where the dean of Mars University complained about the Robot House fraternity. This house, man... they put a huge Trump / Pence flag out on their porch. I cannot emphasize enough to you how huge this flag was. It was the one where the logo looked like the T in Trump was anally-fucking the P in Pence, too. The thing lasted until it wore out and they got another one. They got them in different colors. When Trump lost in 2020, I saw a Trump flag with a lion-head logo, which I was informed was basically a kind of Trump-loyalty fascist flag, as in a "screw the electoral process, we want revolution" flag. The house had VERY loud parties. Every once in a while, loads of vehicles from Oklahoma (we are not on OK) would show up and there were huge family parties. Their kids would spill out into the streets and not let cars pass, just being purposeful, uncontrolled brats. They'd set off illegal fireworks and the cops came to the house more than once. I heard from neighbors that the father of the family was a candidate for local office - he was running for the state legislature. I looked him up and got one of his ads on Youtube in which he was ranting and railing about opening up schools again and being against masking during Covid - his whole thing was "Open up the state!" and it's like... as someone with a restaurant-job I *got* during Covid and living with someone who was retail and "essential" and had to work despite actual health problems and great risk of Covid, the state NEVER "shut-down," my guy. He was rumored to have torn up some Black Lives Matter signs that someone had put up at the local Starbucks, making an ass of himself. According to the neighbors I actually talked to, he was at the Capitol on January 6 and had taken a whole busload of idiots down there. Apparently, he wasn't one of the ones who stormed the Capitol, his people just hung back, were the outskirts protestors, but...still. He and the family moved, probably having taken a financial hit after losing spectacularly in the local-legislature vote. I had been tempted many times to, say, make silly flags out of large rolls of heavy-duty sign-print paper that we have and my art-skills to replace the house's flags in the middle of the night, or something of that ilk, but never had the courage to. You see, I worried I'd be caught on a security-camera and before we knew it, me and my own, being poor (we really are in a neighborhood that's too good for us due to a lucky apartment-find), we'd get in trouble with the local law and get kicked out. I'm pretty sure our landlord would side with Trump House on the matter if I'd do anything to goof on them.

[secret-catalyst]

Just need to vent

Why does this feel familiar?

4am, stress writing while I'm having a drink.

Anyways. I'm gonna span some weird fucking topics here and I'm gonna bounce around, so buckle up. (and also fuck off with my paragraph structures, I finished my English req's and I have no cares right now)

Life is strange. 5 years ago I was starting to get my shit together truly for the first time. It turned out I could be a full time working member of society. And then Covid hit, and then I moved for the love of my life, and then I kind of just enjoyed being in a real relationship so much I kind of stopped doing the rest of life. But that caught up with me (as it should have).

And here I am. I just got hired for a new job that I think I could be really good at. But I'm terrified of it. First and foremost, it's a management position that requires 5-10 hours a week of overtime on top of a full time job. That means some days I'll only see my spouse for about an hour because of our work schedules. Secondly, the pay. This job pays SIGNIFCANTLY more than I've ever made in my life. I'm talking get out of debt money (which there is a scary amount of, but we'll get to that). I'm talking able to afford a mortgage payment instead of rent payment amount (though mostly because my spouse inherited a bunch of money that's going to cover our down payment).

Let's talk about my debt first. I'm not going to list numbers, but it's fucking stupid. I fucked up once this bad before, and my dad and spouse gave me money to pay it off. It's just as bad as that time, and the truth is, if my spouse knew how bad it was, they'd genuinely consider divorcing me, and justifiably so. But with this new job, if I can do it, I can make money quickly enough that I might be able to get out of this mess without my partner needing to find out.

But therein lies the problem (and another major lie I've told to my spouse that if they found out would give them genuine grounds to divorce me). I've been hired at at least 6 different places in the last year and a half. I've been so fucked up in the head (depressed/anxious/hundreds of other things) that I've not lasted more than 2 days at any place (if I even showed up in the first place). My spouse knows none of that. I'm a really good fucking liar, and I hate myself so much for it.

So I have to make this job work, and I know I do. But this is also the first job I've gotten hired for that I know I'm ready for. Every job I've previously been hired for I felt overqualified for (even if I wasn't). The fact is, I'm so fucking full of myself that every time I got hired for something that I felt would be a step backwards (even if I was lying to myself about it) I'd give up.

And so now I've been hired for a job I'm not qualified for. This would be the equivalent of the job I was just starting to train for at my last full time job... The one I started 5 years ago. The company also has no idea about my tattoos and sometimes dyed hair. But how would they, I'm actually getting old. I got hired because I bonded with my soon to be boss over my previous job working at Blockbuster.

But let's hypothetically pretend the job thing works. I can bury myself in my job. The first issue is things already aren't great between me and my spouse. Now, me making decent money is going to help big time. But a major issue has been my partner's lack of interest in me sexually. We used to have fun, explore, go back and forth. Now? Well, it's every couple of months, me taking the lead completely, one of us finishing, and then thanks and see you in a couple of months. I've given up trying to initiate because it doesn't feel like they really want to have sex with me.

I truthfully have two worries. First, I tried to push them into some weird stuff too quickly. I had one partner who opened me up to being comfortable ion my sexuality. While I wasn't truly able to open up to them, when I met my current partner, I knew I could open up. Even if it meant rejection, it wasn't going to be a bad thing. I am worried I opened up too quickly, scaring them.

My second worry is the poly aspect. My spouse was poly until we got together basically. Their primary partner when we first got together was actually an abusive piece of shit, so that didn't last. On top of that, early in the relationship I was so scared of the idea of it I think I convinced them to stop it so they didn't lose me. And I'm worried that by doing that they're now missing out on a part of themself that I first fell in love with.

The stranger thing about that is that the longer we've been together, the more I'm understanding the polyamory lifestyle. And I'm not saying I want a girlfriend or a boyfriend or I want to cheat. I'm saying my partner was at their best when they were able to be more open with themselves, and I want that person in my life. It feels wrong to hold anyone back (even myself) from being able to give as much love into the world as they can. But how do I even begin to broach that question?

Back to work things, I'm scared because of the other life events. I started going back to school because I figured out what I'd like to do with my life if I could do anything. And that's to be a high school teacher (English or P.E.) and sports coach (Soccer or Baseball probably). But I'm not school smart. I've already dropped 2 big classes for W (withdraw, which means it's on my transcript) because I don't know if I can do it. The best case scenario was my graduating just after I turn 40. Now? Probably 42, if all goes well. Do I even bother, considering by the time I would be graduating I'll be making a lot more money in my current job then I would if I started teaching and coaching?

That's all I've got tonight. I need to sleep and pretend I can handle everything.

[thecreationofevelyn]

21/12/2023

"The difference is, you are the sunshine I chase, that I worship."

I haven't written anything for quite some time, life has been coming at me hard and fast, and I wasn't expecting this year to go the way it did at all. It has been filled with wonderful highs and devastating lows but I'm lucky enough to be in the company of my soulmate throughout, someone who has held me through it all...

Back in April I sat down to play one of my favorite games The Elder Scrolls Online, to relax for the evening, I was actually planning on staying up to reset my sleeping schedule as I had been unwell and it had knocked me out of routine. I'm pretty silly so I accidentally ended up on the American servers, so luckily even though it was late for me, the game was still active. I requested help from one of my guilds and a few people replied to say they would help, but only one person actually showed up. We got talking and long story short, within the past eight months he has moved countries to live with me, we're engaged to be married and we're expecting a child. It's a funny little story to tell our grandkids, is what we say.

After his visit to the UK to see me back in May, I visited the US in July, it was my first time being on a plane and I was kinda scared but once I was on there I found I love flying, turbulence is actually kinda fun (in small doses). I met his family, saw his hometown, met his friends and melted in the summer heat that was accompanied by a heatwave. My airline also completely messed up my return flight, which resulted in me being "stuck" in the US for another week (something my partner was actually wishing for on the way to dropping me off to the airport!), and like my knight in shining armor, he swung his car right round and said "I'm coming to get you, baby. Don't worry!".

In August, after selling all his possessions, he caught a flight to the UK and moved in with me. It felt wonderful to think there wasn't a limit on our time anymore, that from now on we'd wake up together every day. We had our time to adjust to living together and the ultimate outcome is that we are at home with each other. I now understand why people call their partners their "other half". I introduced him to my Grandmother who was unfortunately in the hospital at the time due to a fall, they chatted, she told him about the war and her life, he held her hand and told her how much he loves me, our plans for the future, that I'm the person he plans on marrying and having his children with. As I gave her a hug and a kiss goodbye, she squeezed my hand and said "He is wonderful." I replied, "I know". My grandma would always tell me "I hope you find someone who loves you properly, I'd love for you to be happy and have someone who will take care of you.", after living through years of abuse and hardship, I had grown into a horrible sense in hyper-independence and would tell her I was happy and I didn't need taking care of, but deep down, I always wished for the same too, I had just given up hope.

Sadly, that visit was the last time I got to speak to my Grandma, that night she had a stroke and I could speak to her but she wasn't really there...she held on for as long as she could, until she also caught Covid. She passed away in her sleep, thankfully in a comfortable bed surrounded by caring nurses, on the 2nd of October 2023. She lived to see her 94th birthday, on which I made a fuss of relighting her birthday candles because in the rush of filming her, we forgot to catch a photo of her. I'm glad I made a fuss, it was the last photo I would get of her, and it is a beautiful one.

On the 14th of October, I realized I could smell things a lot stronger; I took a pregnancy test...or twelve...and all came back positive. Our baby will be a Leo, the same star sign as my Grandma. Sometimes I think she held on until she was convinced I had found proper love.

We have made the decision to move to America in February to be around family, we will be working and saving and growing towards the plans we have made for our lives. I know my Grandma would be telling me to go and do it, I know she would be happy that for the first time in my life, I'm actually happy and doing what I want to do with my life.

I'm now two months pregnant and I've been having nausea but nothing to bad, it is manageable. The exhaustion is starting to slow down too, so I'm getting ready to begin being creative again with my YouTube channel. We have a lot of selling, packing, and preparing to do in the next two months, but in the meantime...it is almost Christmas, our first together, and it's also my birthday on the same day. My partner told me a story of how when he was Eleven years old his aunt asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he replied "I don't want anything. Just a picture of my future wife.". He tells me now "And then you're born on Christmas Day...you're my Christmas present!".

Peace, Evee xo