#if thats the mock form then the official form would most likely be the same right

[sea-jello]

Hello !

I saw the ask you got about drama and copyright issues and maybe me feeling dismissive about drama stems from me just having being involved in theatre for years ??? I think casting is bound to cause some drama in the short term but i dont think anything long term will stem from it

Maybe its me being hopeful and having faith that the fandom based around a musical will be understanding of and respectful towards whatever casting decisions are made seeing as thats kinda just what happens in theatre????? Sometimes you dont get the part you want (if you even get cast at all) and it kinda sucks! But there will always be another opportunity. Shows will be put on again, and you never only have just one chance. Sure not getting the part you want is never and its okay to be sad about it, but sometimes someone else just fits the role better and theres not much that can really be done there. Id like to hope that everyone auditioning goes into it w an open mindset and will take whatever part they get w grace and treat casting like they would casting in a more traditional production (<- is a person who hasnt been active in online musical spaces in a few years. Take my words w a grain of salt i might not know what im talking about here)

If it does genuinely end up being a big issue though, maybe we could do smth w a cast a and a cast b ??? So that way more people get a chance to play a major character. It would be a lot more work as far as audio editing goes, but if theres enough of a want for it a second cast isnt impossible or anything. Itd honestly just take a bit more time to get out

As far as copyright goes thats! Iffier. Its weird and its wonky and itd be a bit of a pain but there are ways to deal w it

The easiest and simplest option is to only have the final version available to those who worked on it directly. No promotion, no making it public, just a fun thing for everyone who worked on it (and maybe their friends), and thats it. Itd be unfortunate to make a project like this so limited, but its the legal option that requires the least amount of effort 😔✌️

The other option would be to obtain the rights to put on the musical. I was curious about how much it would cost and after finding the copyright holders and filling out their mock form, it would come out to about 275 USD ????? Which is a lot! Thats a lot of money to pay out of pocket for a project that likely wont be monetized at all!

But, having said that, 275 starts to feel a lot smaller when you take into consideration how many people are interested in taking part. I think you mentioned about 30 or so people filling out the form??? If those 30 people individually contributed 10 USD (which is smth ive actually seen mandatory for a lot of non profit theatre companies and school shows) we would have some money left over even

275 is really only a lot if its just one person paying for it. I do 100% realize that having a cost would probably change this project a bit just by nature of real life money being involved, but i do still want to point out that its an option if youre willing to take it. Also i want to mention that the mock form said real prices might not be reflected. They didnt have an option for digital shows for where itd be put on, so if location impacts it at all 275 probably wont be the final cost 💔💔 (id like to hope the final cost would be lower though since it does assume the show in question is a more traditional in person show :') )

Also actually now that im thinking about it theres a secret third option which would be to combine the two???? Start out w it being just for everyone who worked on it but then put out a little interest check and fundraiser to see how many people would be interested in buying it. Kinda like what some physical print zines do but just w a musical instead! It would require putting a paywall on the final show which would also be kinda super unfortunate and a massive shame, but if enough people are interested its another way to deal w the licensing fees. Also if the project gets more money than the licensing costs maybe the leftovers could be donated or smth. Idk

Copyright is to me a much bigger issue than casting drama could ever be just bc of the legal issues it could bring up, but there are still definitely definitely ways to get around and deal w them ( ^^)b

(Btw @ the anon who kinda got me thinking about this and led me to send an ask in response, this is nothing against you !! I genuinely think bringing up copyright and potential dramas is a good thing to do especially so early on into a project like this. And running into copyright issues specifically could kill this project faster than anything else could tysm for bring that up genuinely :')

Also op sorry for such a long ask orz )

yeah casting will definitely raise some issues but there are after all only 8 major roles, you said it better than i ever will sjdjgkl also this is literally my first online musical space i got into bmc in like MARCH what am i doing

i actually have been thinking about doing an act 1 cast and an act 2 cast, but thats gonna raise the issue of finding two people with similar voices for one character so its not too jarring. we could totally do it but thats just more work for the casting people i feel. i mean if theyre up for it we could, again we'll just wait and see. there probably would be understudies too, and ive been thinking about having multiple voices for small sections of people who were squipped, like rich in the squip song, or jenna and christine in pitiful children/the play, even the creepy stock guy. there will be one "main" actor but maybe understudies will do underlying voices. will be a little more work for the editors so again we'll see

COPYRIGHT here we go. i really dont want to limit this project so the only option would be to pay. i did a tiny bit of googling and "Section 107 of the Copyright Act provides the statutory framework for determining whether something is a fair use and identifies certain types of uses—such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research—as examples of activities that may qualify as fair use." now if we were doing like one song then that would be fine, but we're attempting to remake the WHOLE THING, so i really think we might have to buy the rights which hm. wow.

i dont know if people are willing to pay 275 dollars for something that might not even succeed, so i think if we go through with this then we work on it first and see our progress. if it looks like we might succeed in actually doing the whole thing then we'll set up a thing for people to donate. to my understanding as long as we buy the rights we can release it to the public?? so as long as we get the 275 dollars we can release it, so it wont be only limited to the people who paid. but if we dont get enough then idk what to do with the money. maybe donate it or just wait until we hit 275. or we set a price and give it to the people who paid, sorta like a vip subscription or something

i actually have SIXTY RESPONSES as of now and its been at 60 for a while so if everyone gives 5 usd then we would have more than enough. ofc not everyone would be willing to pay tho so its really a gamble. i checked out the mock form too and are we even able to buy them if we're producing it digitally?? all that about ticket fees and average attendance if we cant even get the rights then theres no way we can release it to the public

im ngl i dont think i can do the actual licensing so we might need someone to handle finances specifically. also im not even a legal adult i really dont know if i should 💀💀 we gotta find someone responsible

YES everybody say thank you to anon for bringing problems up it would be bad if everyone got hyped only to realize we cant even do it

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Zuko says fuck all of you, this war is stupid, your bending elitism is stupid, I'm gonna end your stupid existence with sheer spite and teenage angst

>If He Used His Strength<

"Maybe you'd like one to match!" Zuko snapped at Zhao

"Is that a challenge?" The irritating older man sounded all too cocky

"An Agni Kai, at sunset" he glared daggers at the man who just so happened to agree to the duel

Once Zuko used a move outside of his firebending the match was over quickly. He easily broke Zhao's root, kicking flames only at his feet until he fell back. He stood over him with a dark stare. He was tired of this. Tired of running around. Tired of chasing a twelve year old boy. Tired of tirelessly searching for the love of a terrible father. Tired of the war. He was done with it. And he had the power to end it. Not the fire power per say. But the ability to fight against and overpower multiple benders without ever lighting a spark himself

"DO IT!" Zhao spat at him

Zuko let out a loud growled shout and punched the ground right next to Zhao's head with a bright flame exploding from it. "This war is over. I beat you. And I'll beat him. I dont need fire to take you down."

"Wha-"

"So far your biggest enemies have been a twelve year old monk and a sixteen year old boy with trauma. So save your questions for your prison cell you cocky piece of trash" and with that he spit in his face and made a flip off of him and to Iroh. "Lets go"

"What do you plan to do prince Zuko?" Iroh asked in a confused tone

"Im going to end the war"

And with that they were off leaving Zhao to stand up and look down at the indent in the ground from where Zuko punched. A dent in the solid ground. "Send a warning to the firelord. He has company coming, and its not going to be petty" Zhao said as he came to the realization that if Zuko had actually landed that punch on his head he would have died on impact.

About two days later he was stopped in a small port town to grab some supplies and he ran into Aang who rightfully went into defense mode but he held up his hand "I'm only here to restock before I go fight my dad"

"What"

"Im done trying to please the bastard, he's terrible and this war is terrible, everyone in the firenation thinks fire is the best but it just sucks." Zuko shrugged "so I'm gonna go fight him and take the throne so I can end this stupid war"

"Oh... are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious, who do you think burnt my face? Of course I wanna fight him" Zuko waved to Iroh who was coming up to the pair with a bag of rations

"Oh, hello Avatar, sorry to run into you again" he apologized with a bow "Zuko came to some realizations and-"

"He already told me, hey, if you want to fight the firelord and you're serious about it, I can go talk to my friends about it and we can give you a lift on Appa and you'll get their quicker"

"Alright, we'll be on the port until sunset, if you come before then to get me then I'll come with you, if not, I'm sailing there"

Meanwhile the gaang were camped out when Aang came running in with what seemed to be confused excitement "guys, Zuko's gonna end the war"

Katara and Sokka looked up from the map that Sokka was holding "what thats insane, We're going to end the war, that's why you're training. Besides Zuko is our enemy and part of the firenation. Why would he end the war? And how would he even?"

"Okay, maybe I should have been more clear. Zuko is fed up with the war, and he's on his way to fist fight dad and end the war"

"Okay.. this... this I gotta see, we should find him and give him a lift."

"Funny you say that, he's in town and I offered him a ride"

After Aang went to go get Zuko and Iroh they made a walk towards the camp where the group started asking him questions to be certain he wasn't just trying to trick them and also to figure out how in the hell he hopes to do this.

"So. You want to go... fist fight your dad?"

"Uh, well, that's not exactly how I'd word it"

"Why not use your fire bending?"

Zuko let out a long sigh "alright, let me give you guys a run down on the fire nation okay? First of all, firebending is seen as the only form of actual power. Any non benders or late benders are seen as weaker and often times are. But they hold bending on such a high pedestal that most benders never take the time to master anything else. They don't practice any other form of fighting, let alone any other sort of strength training.

"I was a late bender so my bending is weaker than most. But I've taken the time to train with swords and multiple different fighting styles. I can easily break a solid steel chain with my foot in a shoe and I can break solid wood with my bare feet." He took a second to look around at the group "while I havent attempted it, I could probably crush someone's skull as well if we're taking into account of the two other things I know for a fact that I can break"

The group looked at eachother with terrified expressions "Zuko holy shit, you could have killed me at the south pole"

"Yeah, but I have control over the amount of force in each kick, and I wasnt trying to kill you... you were just in my way"

"Alright, well, I'm convinced, lets go"

And with that they were off, Zuko agreeing to have the group help him if he needed it. Iroh decided to teach Zuko how to redirect lightning on their journey incase he needed it.. When they landed Ozai was already outside prepared, having gotten the letter a day before and hearing that the bison had been spotted.

Jumping off of Appa Zuko and Ozai stared eachother down "Zuko"

"Father," Zuko narrowed his eyes "I challenge you to an Agni Kai. But. By your honor and mine. You and I are only able to use fire once during the battle. If you can defeat me with only one fire attack, then you can keep up with your stupid war. But. If I defeat you with the same limits then I take the throne" motioning his hand forward he continued "do we have a deal"

Ozai gave him a cold glare "you truly are pathetic," glancing at the avatar on the bison he gave in "deal"

The fight didn't last long, Ozai had already used fire within the first few seconds and Zuko took the low ground beneath it as a means of attacking. Running low and sliding between the older man's legs only to come up behind him and land a quick kick against his side. Sending him to the ground where Zuko took his advantage point to lift his leg up and slam it down directly on the man's chest.

A loud crack could be heard throughout the courtyard. A few broken ribs and probably some fatal internal bleeding kept Ozai on the ground. Zuko turned to the firenation officials who came to witness the fight. "This war is over. Go cry a river if you oppose its end."

"That was a cheat!" Someone in the crowd shouted

"How so?" He mocked back "it was a duel, I used only what I have and no extra weapons, I set a single extra rule and followed it to the extreme." Tilting his head he gave an irritated grin "would you like to fight against me with the same rules? I'm more than happy to give another show if you'd like"

The crowd had no other objections after that. Funny how that happened. Azula came bounding out into the courtyard, probably ready to see Zuko down but was instead met by the scene of Zuko standing over Ozai victorious.

"You- actually won?"

"I didnt use fire Azula, wanna try your hand?" He made a move to get into a fighting stance but instead was met by her running up to him with her arms open for a... hug? He didnt hug back for a moment, confused, but heard a few muffled apologies and returned the hug.

"So, you're gonna be firelord huh?" She asked as they separated, he nodded "And you're ending the war?"

"Exactly"

"Lame" she groaned out

"Everything I do is lame to you isn't it?"

"Not everything, but most things"

And with that Zuko ended the war, got himself and his sister some much needed therapy, Aang left to train around the world while it was healing from the war, only coming back to the firenation to train under Iroh and Zuko. Sokka managed to go to master Piando with Zuko's recommendation(though Sokka didn't know he'd been recommended). Katara managed to dismantle the sexism in the north pole after training with the swamp benders and whooping Pakku's ass.

Ozai is fckn dead, rest in fckn hell dude.

[macklives]

hey so this is gonna be a long-ish one. ive decided its been far too long since i did a session, and we did so many i can often forget what happened. i started in july and im pretty sure its been more than half a year now since this whole blog happened. and in that time, we’ve gone through 88 sessions and i want to know if i remember the relevant plot points and what we got up to in the last few sessions. a refresh/reminder if you would.

so i hereby commence my own little recap of act 5 because yeah no, its too much to do a recap of everything and i have andrew for that after every few acts. but i wanna refresh my mind on act 5 for now. so here we go.

1. alternia.. fucked up place. but its a place the trolls live on so what are we gonna do about it? overthrow the government? seems about right, lets do that with the next troll that gets introduced and if its not kanaya idk what andrew is doing by not having introduced the best troll yet. why the long wait? it was the second introduced? i honestly expected it to go in order when i first read act 5, because first we had karkat talk to jade which was the first new piece dialogue in the comic besides the main kids, but then we had kanaya with rose, which was followed by tavros, then terezi (iirc). so id assume we were following that order but nope karkat got fully introduced, then this random fucking juggalo called gamzee made its way into the comic. imagine my surprise.

2. theres been terminology throughout act 5, that i do not fucking know and will not remember and probably never will. like tf is a perigee again? i made a doc somewhere ill probably find it.

3. karkat’s introduction... short but very sweet. and by sweet i mean we got to know the depths of the angry edge lord. and by depths i mean karkat got angry at gamzee for typing in a way that he didnt like so he yapped like a chihuahua. nah, but seriously, i do like karkat tho, hes growing on me but only bc hes a bitch baby and his whole personality makes me want to mock him so thats the reason im not that annoyed and think hes funny, and the most harmless troll. even more so than tavros. and thats saying something. 7.5/10 bc im generous.

4. then gamzee... the high juggalo troll who has the worst typing quirk imo, i cannot for the life of me read it. but hes chill, i actually really like gamzee. hes funny and the least problematic as of right now. 8.5/10.

5. terezi’s introduction next i think. she likes playing as a lawyer with her stuffed dragons, ie by roleplay, shes blind, can see through licking, and she likes eating chalk, maybe its even nutritious. shes good. 9/10. 

6. uhh in the process of these intros, there are teams being made? karkat joins gamzee and terezi in, i THINK, the red team?? bc terezi likes red?? could be wrong, i dont remember the teams except that its red/blue to represent sollux’s duality in those colors. terezi then tries recruiting AC but AC is like lol sorry i have to ask this friend of mine who has authority over me for some goddamn reason and terezi goes yuck tf i hate that guy................... yeah thats all we have on the teams. pretty sure sollux had smth to do with karkat about the making of the leaders, and they did the “i hate me” and the “no i hate me more than u hate u” or whatever the fuck that was. they got embarrassed afterwards and deleted their messages. im pretty sure they have no messages because everything ends up being mutually deleted so their logs are actually empty. ngl, kinda enjoyed their convos, made me appreciate their characters. i hope we get more because its good content. i also dont know what order this whole thing is in, who contacted who first? couldnt tell you. ill remember later on. and since im basing this off from memory alone, gotta deal with what i remember. uhhhh so yeah. we havent met all characters yet so the teams have not been officially decided but we got the bases, which is that.

7. god i found it, and the only thing im looking at right now is the terminology list i made and what the fuck?? what the fuck?? you miss a few weeks and suddenly the word nubslurping comes up and you forget what the fuck youre reading.

8. im PRETTY SURE aradia is seen after that whole team fiasco?? or its sollux... maybe. wait. its sollux, right. i just knew someone gets introduced mid way through is all. actually, someone gets introduced after every 20 pages. i have no idea. but ik aradia and sollux go hand in hand.

9. oh shit. OH SHIT! RIGHT! I REMEMBER! so this occurs in the latest session i did, and not the beginning of act 5, but AG and aradia team up, right?? and sollux fucking gets manipulated by them and ??? idk??? they make him find the game, reprogram it and then make him believe its going to end the world (which in hindsight is true, but anyways) so he refuses to play it which was AG’s plan all along so she steps up and becomes leader in his place. but aradia says sollux will still play the game no matter what, but she never went through with the plan for AG but it was apart of a prophecy? that sollux wouldnt be the leader at all? that he’d still play? but it had to go according to plan so it could succeed??? we just dont know why yet. anyways, point being, she still cares for sollux since she did it for him rather than for AG. and thats what i recall. god tf i forgot about that whole drama until writing down “sollux and aradia go hand in hand” which gave me violent flashbacks to the memory.

10. oh and id give aradia 9/10 and sollux 7/10. i do like sollux but if i put him higher than karkat, id get crucified. so im keeping them around the same.

11. man i really like sollux and aradia tho, i may have put him at 7, but i really like their dynamic and i really hope they make up and aradia explains herself about AG. because from one side it looks shitty. and while sollux is rude and never makes up his mind, he apologized to aradia after going off, and that was the only time ive seen him be sincere, so im pretty sure he cares for her to some extent. and i think its somewhat mutual? considering the whole “did it for him” thing. man, i see potential because i actually like both their characters. theyre well written. may not have the best personalities, but i appreciate well written characters and homestuck has the best ones ive seen in a while.

12. oh shit, hell yeah, the more i write, the more im connecting the dots and remembering. however, the more i write, the more i want to just make an analogy post but thats not for now. jesus christ its not all about analogies, mack, this is a recap. but.. how does andrew do it? to not go off track??? hard. telling ya.

13. anyways, didnt we break the fourth wall at some point and have the demon gods or whatever the fuck speak to us in third person for the first time in the comic, after having only gone into second person narrative, right after we were introduced to sollux and his “virus”? the uh, the phrase “the demon was already here” was said, or something along those lines. first line in homestuck to give me the creeps ngl and i appreciate it bc it gives me motivation to know what the fuck its about. its cool bc you have no idea where its going and it sure doesnt have anything to do with the current plot, since the trolls’ session/game doesnt have fucking demons so im curious as to what the fuck that was about. and if i really have to make a theory, i feel it has something to do with aradia’s voices in her head which also connect to the gods rose heard when she started disregarding rules and told dave to look at derse without listening to music bc it was as if he was purposely blocking away their calls. like holy shit, that gave me the shivers. while i do want to know more about wtf happens after act 4, trolls are taking priority right now. just like we did with the intermission. no discussing the kids unless necessary. treat this as its own separate comic. and THEN we can connect.

14. ANYWAYS, tavros’ intro???? that comes afterwards?? with the fiduspawn that made me gag a little on the inside? yep. remember that. fuck that lol. -1/10 but tavros himself is MAYBE a 6/10? i wish we explored his character more in his intro bc right now he just looks like a character made only to be a victim rather than have any depth and i feel thats robbing someone of their full potential. give me more personality andrew, rather than a quivering boy who falls prey to bitches. im expecting more throughout the comic honestly and i hope he gets growth so hes not looked as a “victim” but rather his own character. he is still sweet, and i like him because i want to protect him, but id rather have more info, you know what i mean?

15. oh hell. kanaya had a chainsaw at some point. that made me happy. and didnt she cut off tavros’ legs?? and he got robot ones? and some creepy dude was looking and we called him saggy tits bc hes sagittarius? right? neat. that did happen. pretty sure saggy tits is ACs friend that tells her what to do. the more u know. OH and they all have colored blood similar to their text colors lol. that i remember... so tavros has brown, terezi has blueish green, um. karkat has grey the loser. and apparently it forms a rainbow which is nice. rainbow is good.

16. i dont remember anything else actually

17. wait no i do. AG appeared. shes a petty bully. idk what to say about her. we didnt get that much, except that she hates tavros but is okay with aradia. she also looks like a bottle opener. actually, i think she teamed with aradia to gain leadership rather than to “be friends”. and while that is similar to how karkat did it, meaning the gain, the motivation and how they earned it is entirely different. kinda seeing a trend tho. the leaders of the red/blue teams are both characters who wanted the role, but never had it to begin with. only to win their way into the position. but rather than ask non-stop like karkat did, AG manipulated others so she could be successful. not too sure if she also used aradia for that, or is actually motivated to become friends since they were “past enemies” and she needed a rebound. pretty sure its somewhat both. while AG did mostly use aradia to speak with sollux, what she doesnt know is that aradia is a bad bitch who never even thought about AG and only followed through with the plan bc she had a plan of her own. i guess we’ll look into that later. i lowkey want to know their history.

18. OH AC!!! she appeared for a second as well. love her. shes amazing. 9.5/10. and you may ask yourself, why am i saying “i love this character” but none of them are 10/10?? weellllll its because, and i cant stress this enough, 10/10 belongs to kanaya, i dont make the rules. im waiting for her introduction, shes my favorite and its obvious. sorry.

19. oh huh seems i forgot about the term “lusus”. which.. is.. their parents but not really, its these fucking weird ass creatures that the trolls fought in a cave or something as a child. i dont fucking know. terezi hatched hers and it died? gamzee’s also died but his goat sea dad was never really there to begin with so while it is sad, its more sad that gamzee never saw him? um.. karkat killed his own by exploding his computer bc sollux said dont run the virus and karkat said u cant tell me what to do and did it anyways. so thats on him. but apparently theyre supposed to die, to become prototyped during the game, right? yeah. i remember now.

20. thats.. about it? idk anything else, nothing is coming back to me apart from the shit above. huh.... im surprised how quickly things do come back to you the moment you rant about the plot tho.... handy trick.

cool. neat. fun. this took me too long. but im glad i remember a little bit.

[riotatthemovies]

Payback IOU Death (1990)

Not to be mistaken with Payback from 1991 starring Don Swayze that imdb seems to mix the pictures up on and on youtube someone says this Roger Rodd Payback is the Don Swayze one.. so anyways , don’t mix them up... even that they are both extremely cheesy mullet style action flicks. 

Payback IOU Death is something on the level of extreme cheese and near homemade action movies that borders on the line of movies like Deadly Prey or maybe Samurai Cop not only for the mullets but the obnoxious characters and low budget violence.

Produced by Joseph Merhi who would later form the infamous PM entertainment action film company. This would be PM entertainments practice run of over testosterone unrealistic action movies. (cause it definitely was not a professional production).  Payback is so bad it was not a PM entertainment film and in fact after being lost for awhile would be released by Troma.

It stars comedian and social bully Roger Rodd who is neither funny nor an action hero. Most images of the movie should the much bigger and even more mullet styled Deron Mcbee (who was American Gladiators Malibu)  who plays one of the evil henchmen in the movie and just happens to look like an actor hero then the films real star.  Roger Rodd plays mercenary for hire Joe Shepard and it was his real name that made me laugh so hard I had to watch the movie. That and I am always up for a cheese macho low budget action flick.. but wow this was a shockingly stinky one.

The basic plot of a senator is being kidnapped by terrorists and his daughter must convince a retired mercenary to come back to the job and save her father.

The mercenary is Joe Shepard played by Roger Rodd. It takes a long time to meet this character and it was because of his name on the cover that I even watched the movie. You already see several jacked guys with mullets before meeting the so called hero. In fact the opening scene shows a jacked 80s wrestler looking dude wearing the most uncomfortable looking pink mankini. Eventually we meet the hero and he is drunk at a bar. Everyone in the scene seems drunk. Either they are secretly good actors for only one scene or they in fact were all just drunk. For the rest of the film Roger Rodd (it's just funny to say his name) seems to continue being drunk so again I am going with the idea that maybe the cast was just paid in booze. 

Everyone in the film is trying to talk like an action movie but no real dialogue was written for it. So it's the worse, cheesy mumbling you have ever heard. Roger Rodd seems to say the words “Fuck it” all the time that you would joke it was his catchphrase until much later in the movie you realise it is his catchphrase and the movie expected it to catch on.  

After many scenes of Roger Rodd proving that he is neither an action hero nor a decent actor it finally turns into an action movie when the mercenary teams up with the senators bodyguard and they raid the bad guys base. So many explosions with soldier jump from mini trampolines before the explosions even go off. The only memorable scenes involve Deron Mcbee when he first shows up do to an assassination and leaves a audio tape on the dead body with a message for the victims family.  Deron looks like an giant 80s hair metal singer so at first it looked like he was giving the dead body his latest demo tape. Later Deron would face the hero in a fairly hilarious torture scene. 

Sure the movie is filled with military cover ups, rapey terrorists, secret double crossing super agents... but all so bumbling in the execution that I hope you can at least laugh at it. Cause as unbelievable as it will seem this movie was not meant to make you laugh. 

My go to bad movie watching buddy Bob and I watched the movie on knowing nothing about it and got way too much of a laugh about it.

Bad acting from actors that seem like they would be so egotistical that they were sure they were the best actors you ever saw. Poorly filmed and poorly executed. However Bob and I would keep quoting lines from the movie, that out of context make no sense to even quote now. I am sure we will keep quoting the movie and referencing the scenes we totally misunderstood, so much so that people will want to see the movie just because of us. However let this be our official statement from both Bob and I... this movie stinks.. its bad. A small set of “bad movie” memorable scenes worth mocking and thats pretty much it (but wow are they impressively stinky scenes).  Like in the beginning a blonde woman in a bikini gets into a helicopter and puts her clothes back on which made us question if the movie was maybe in reverse.  So no this movie is not actually worth it until you are drinking , eating pizza and willing to bash this movie with your buds.  It borders on Samurai cop but feels like it should know better. 

Lots of people being shot the in forehead lots of cocaine era filmmaking and over acting and a boob here and there for good luck.  Well shit , when I say that it doesn’t sound that bad....

Next we would put on Skyscraper.. no that the Rock movie but the hideous movie starring Anna Nicole Smith that is also being Die Hard with a helicopter pilot. I am not here to review Skyscraper cause that movie is infamous and you can just read the review in my book... you did buy my book right? If not you should :)   I will say though that It has a much bigger professional budget than Payback did but after being on for only a few seconds we realised it was produced by the same people and had Deron Mcbee as the main bad guys henchmen again. Bob and I looked at each other and said.... OH NO HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!  BAd movie life is rough sometimes... 

[amethyst-noir]

i enjoyed the inclusion of tony sort of... whoring himself in that last fic. would it be possible to write an au more centered around that subject? maybe stephen had to sell himself to get through medical school and sometimes it wasn't consensual? if thats too much i understand! just figured it might help some people who deal with that

[Sunday is now officially my post-it-if-you-have-something-day. People send me prompts, so they obviously want to read the result. Thanks for that; I feel honored.]

Uh, that’s a hard one but it caught my imagination. I won’t write non-con;the aftermath of it is bad enough. (I like sex scenes to be sweet and romanticand/or kinky as hell but always consensual and I’m bad at writing them.) So,this happened. The Stephen/Tony here is “just” friendship (aka themost important foundation for any relationship). There is the potential for itto maybe become more in the far-off future but right now? No. There are other,more important, things to do first.

And if the prompt itself and my note up there don’t make it clear enough: TWfor rape/non-con. It’s not described at all and not spoken about in detailbut it’s there because… well, look above.

Find a Way(to break the fall)

Stephen didn’tthink about it anymore. It had been buried deep beneath all the other shit he’dhad to live through in the last couple of years and it didn’t impact his day today life in any way whatsoever. His nightmares were of dying in a myriad ofways, one more painful than the other, not reliving the ancient past.

It wasn’t as if hewas looking for someone or that someone to be another man; he was too busyliving, learning and protecting.

So it was anunpleasant surprise for both of them when one day Tony grabbed him by the hipsto move him out of the way and Stephen flinched. Hard. He froze on thespot a second after and Tony put up his arms and backed away as if afraid of anattack. Only then he’d noticed that he’d put up his hands in a classicdefensive position, his magic tingling in his fingers to fight off the threat.

“Stephen?”Tony asked, more confused than afraid but a hint of fear lurked in his eyes andvoice. He still had trouble with magic, especially the offensive kind. And tohave a friend threatening him…

Shit. Stephen knew almost immediately why he’d reacted like that, of course. Hestill felt Tony’s hands on his hips, even though it had only lasted for a momentand his grip had been gentle. But suddenly he could feel bruises on his skin,beneath the layers of clothes he wore, and it was as if it had happenedyesterday. All his carefully constructed barriers - broken down in an instantby an innocent touch.

“Sorry, I’msorry. I’ve just…” He didn’t even try to explain further, just turnedaround and vanished as soon as the portal had formed.

*

The same night hisnightmares gained a new flavor - old and new elements mixing together to form anew kind of torment that was worse than ever before. Worse than the dreamsabout the accident; far more devastating than the dreams about dying in thedark dimension or the ones about his fight against Thanos. There he had beenable to do something, to fight, be active, resist, despite his handsbeing almost useless. He hadn’t been a victim by choice without any power.Helpless and desperate. The only thing that came close was the sensation oflosing himself and fading away into nothing.

Now, all thecombined trauma gave him a whole new appreciation of the term “nightterror” that went so far that he started to research ways for forgoingsleep altogether. Unfortunately, escaping into his astral form while his bodyrested wasn’t a long-term solution. Okay for a couple of days - or even weeksif necessary - but it put too much stress on his body and the toll would onlyget higher and higher the longer he used this escape.

Plus, there wasTony. The man who had backed off considerably since Stephen’s flight and whosepresence was sorely missed. Tony, who could be an emotional idiot but was morethan perceptive enough to see that something was off and by now was probablyworried sick that he had done something wrong.

Their friendshiphad started off strong and had only gotten stronger in the months since Thanos’defeat. Playful banter had become more, the flirting too and… oh. There it was,the reason for his reaction to Tony’s innocent touch.

Stephen felt sostupid he could have hit himself. Instead, he forced himself to look away from hisbook and at his resting body. In sleep it looked innocent, only the stillshaking hands betraying that something was not quite right with it. It hadbrought him some much pain and misery over the years but it still didn’tdeserve the treatment he put it through now. He deserved better. He puthis book aside with very slow and precise movements, took a deep breath and triedto force away the images from his youth that wanted to destroy his hard-wonpeace. He pushed away the memories of strangers with cruel hands and too muchstrength and tried to imagine what he wanted instead.

Himself, curled upin bed, Tony behind him, holding him loosely, both of them relaxed in theirsleep. No nightmares, just peace. For both of them.

I want this.

With a sickfeeling in his stomach he went back into his body, knowing that this littlefantasy would probably never play out. Others would.

The nightmare of athousand needles piercing his flesh everywhere, while Ebony Maw had his waywith him woke him a short while later.

He awoke in tears,his hands on fire, and with the knowledge that he owed it to himself to dosomething, anything to make it stop.

*

He tried themystic arts and the other Masters, of course. Made his farewells to a disappointedand wondering Tony and vanished to Kamar-Taj. Tried to lose himself in researchand training but also visited the healers. Meditated, tried to find peace withhis choices back then. Told himself over and over again that it wasn’t hisfault, that it was time to move on. It did help, a little, but not enough.

You need therapy. The voice of Doctor Strange, MD, became louder with every passing day.Stephen knew it was the truth, but still he resisted. He was stronger thanthat. He’d gotten over it on his own before, he could do it again. Andyou’ve it done so well the first time, his inner doctor mocked him. Stephenbegan to hate the logical, rational part of himself but finally concededdefeat.

*

“Stephen!You’re back!” Tony came nearer, his hands spread out wide. “Greetingsfrom this earthly realm, oh Master of the Mystic Arts! Welcome back on thisplane of existence!”

Stephen just hadto smile at the sheer joy in Tony’s voice and roll his eyes at the words, butthe smile dropped when Tony came to a standstill before they could embrace. Hisarms were still open. He’s waiting for me to make the next step, Stephenrealized and suddenly wanted to cry. Instead, he forced the smile back onto hisface and stepped into the embrace of his friend. Tony obviously suspected whathad set him off weeks ago because while he held Stephen in a tight embrace hewas very careful to keep his hands high up on Stephen’s back.

After a moment ofinternal fight Stephen just gave up and let himself collapse into the hold,trusting Tony to catch him.

Tony, of course,did, without a word. Except a soft: “I’ve missed you.”

*

“How did youknow?”, he asked about an hour later. He held a hot cup of tea in hishands to keep them as steady as possible and force his mind to be in thepresent.

Tony gave him alook as if he was earth’s biggest idiot. “I touch you on the hips and yourfirst instinct is to raise a defensive shield? I might not get people, as I’mreminded over and over again, but know that kind of reaction.” He lookedaway and played with his own cup of coffee. “I’m sorry. I’ve never saidthat, didn’t I? You never did give any indication that my touch wouldn’t bewelcome or I would never have…”

Why? How? Didsomebody hurt you or was it someone you love? Every protectiveinstinct he possessed reared up and demanded to know the answers, to extractrevenge. “I didn’t,” he said instead. “It didn’t occur to mesince it’s not something I’ve thought about… in a long time. It happened when Iwas a student, barely in my twenties. Practically three lifetimes away. It tookme as much by surprise as you.”

“Stephen.”Tony put his coffee down and focused all of his attention on him. It was likebeing in the focus of the sun itself, wonderful and terrifying in equalmeasures. “You don’t have to explain anything.”

“But what ifI want to?” The words had slipped out before he thought about theconsequences. He had played with the idea after he’d concluded that therapymight work for him but he couldn’t imagine talking to a stranger. He neededsomeone he already trusted, who already knew about his crazy life and hisexperiences in the last few years. He had thought about approaching Wong but asclose as their friendship was he just couldn’t imagine talking about… thatwith him. Or any of the other masters. The thought of speaking about this toChristine, the only other friend he hadn’t managed to alienate, was just asunappealing. Surprisingly, or maybe not, he could imagine to do so with TonyStark. Most people might not believe it but the man could be a great listenerwho had brilliant insights. “Forget it,” he said a moment later.There was no way he was putting even more pressure on Tony, he had already morethan enough demons of his own.

“Forgetit?” Tony echoed. “Seriously? You listened to me rave and rant aboutpretty much everything under the sun and then you want to deny me the chance ofdoing the same for you?” He suddenly looked a lot more vulnerable, as ifremembering something unpleasant. As always when he was uncomfortable withsomething he was rubbing his left shoulder. “I’m here, I’m free for thenext, oh, four to five days, longer if necessary.” He leaned back on thecouch, folded his hands into his lap and stared at Stephen. “You talking,me talking, just staring at each other thinking about how pretty we are… it’syour choice.”

Not everything waslost when Tony was still low-key flirting with him and it served as a reminderthat Tony didn’t suddenly see him in a completely different light. Stephenclosed his eyes, relieved. He carefully put his tea aside and stared at hisshaking hands.

“Whatevergruesome scenario you might have conjured up it wasn’t like that,” hebegan and grimaced immediately. “It wasn’t some brutal assault orsomething. It was by my own choice.”

“It was yourchoice that you were raped? Bullshit!” Tony sat up and startedpacing the room. Stephen got dizzy by just watching him. Then the full extentof the words hit him and the shook his head.

“It wasn’trape”, he said very quietly. “Coercion at worst. It was my choice. Ineeded the money and it was the quickest and easiest way.” He swallowed,feeling sick again. He forced himself to summon his tea just to have somethingin his hands again. He didn’t drink. “My choice,” he repeated.

Tony just lookedat him. If that’s what you need to tell yourself to get through this so beit, he seemed to think. “Easy is something else. If it really had beenyour choice you wouldn’t have flinched when I touched you.” Suddenly Tonywas kneeling before him and looking up. “But this is me, being pushyagain. Sorry. Backing down now.” He leaned back a little, presentinghimself to Stephen as if to say I’m not a threat, just look at me, beinghere. Surprisingly it worked. He was able to take a deep breath again andcould feel the oncoming panic attack recede a little bit. “Thank you fortelling me. I’ll be more careful in the future when I touch you.”

When, not if. Noteverything was irrevocably changed, Tony wasn’t disgusted and there was stillhope. One day he would ask Tony when and where he’d gone to therapy. He was fartoo good in getting people to get to calm down and knew when to back off -there was no way in hell the world-famous weapons dealer from eleven years agobecame the man he was today without some serious help. Professional, highlypaid, help from whose work Stephen now profited by proxy. He didn’t feel badabout it. He probably couldn’t even afford the help he really needed and thisreasons for not seeking it out still stood.

Tony was stillwaiting for an answer. Stephen stared at his hands and refused to look up.“I would like that,” he finally admitted, pushing against the wave offear that tried to claw its way up to the surface. He was safe now and morethan capable of defending himself should somebody try to take advantage of himever again. On the edge of his vision he could see Tony come nearer.

“Likethis?” he asked as he took the cup away from him. Instead he put hissteady hands over Stephen’s shaking ones as if he could still their tremblingby touch alone. The only feeling it caused was one of safety and warmth. “I’mhere, Stephen. Anytime you need to talk, just call me.”

Stephen smiled,touched by the gesture. “Thank you.”

It was a start. A rathergood one, considering everything. The rest would come in time.

=/\=

[sonreiv]

i absolutely despise when ppl paint katsuki as an abuser when horikoshi doesn't even say he's an abuser. Bullying and Abusing has some similar aspects but they are different at the end of it. Katsuki is. a. bully. Izuku recognizes that Katsuki is a jerk and what he did was wrong/bad (and he actually has stated that he hates katsuki, twice) but still sees his strong qualities that make him admire him

(This ask has been sitting in my drafts for the longest time and I thought with the upcoming episodes it was the perfect time to stop procrastinating and finally finish it. Sorry for the wait, nony! I mostly agree with you, but I want to further discuss some points so I hope you don’t mind I got a bit lenghty. You got me an excuse to ramble up some meta haha.)

A TL;DR beforehand: canon analysis supports that Katsuki should not be interpreted as an abuser, but an early bully at most. I also did a little analysis on the early middle school chapter and how it shows BNHA’s society/the peers Deku and Katsuki grew up around set up a bullying enticing enviroment, and how bad translations have us interpret their relationship as more aggravating than it really is - Deku NEVER said he hates Katsuki, for instance. Not once.

I agree that Katsuki is not to be interpreted as an abuser. He does not want to pursue Deku in order to hurt him; instead, he wants to push Deku away from himself. There’s a difference between “I want to possess you, to make you stay around me and hurt you emotionally and physically” - and “I don’t want anything to do with you, go away, don’t interact with me or else”. The first one is abuse. The second one is what Katsuki felt about Deku for most of his life (albeit very simplified). At the times when Katsuki did hurt him - threatening him in middle school, getting out of hand during the heroes vs villains team trial, punching him during the end of the term exam, etc - was because he felt threatened; so his response was to push him away with violence, with an attempt at “teaching” Deku to stay away from his lane.

This is not to defend Katsuki’s actions; this is only a reasoning, not an excuse. His violent behavior towards Deku is still inexcusable. I only want to make clear there’s a difference between “I want to go out of my way to hurt you” and “I will smack you if you push me”, even if his concept of being pushed is distorted to his own experience and it still does not make his violent actions okay. He fears and despises what Deku did at those times: talking to Katsuki as if Katsuki isn’t on the pedestal he grew up believing he was on. This is the core of Katsuki’s feelings. He does not want to abuse Deku. He wanted him to go away, and he WOULD physically/verbally assault him if that meant pushing Deku away from him. And the rest of his threats/aggressive banter is just really how he talks to everyone else.

Even in canon it’s explicitly stated Deku was the one who insisted on following him because of his admiration, and that was what Katsuki couldn’t stand; he wanted him to be away.

And that was way before. The game is changing, and the development of their relationship is one of the core points of the series. Katsuki recognized him as someone who is not allowed to lose, someone worthy of All Might’s trust, and just very slowly started talking to Deku like he does to everyone else.

I also believe that affirming Katsuki would be an abuser in a romantic relationship with Deku misses the point if the person is okay with it if it’s a friendship/platonic relationship, or if they ship Katsuki with other people. Someone who is abusive does not isolate their behavior to one single person, nor does abuse happen only in romantic relationships. Abusive friendships exist. If one thinks katsudeku is okay as long as it’s platonic, if they believe in their growth and healing enough to believe they can start and share a healthy friendship, then the same should be applied to a romantic relationship. Also if Katsuki were to be an abusive partner to Deku, he’d be the same to other partners. If he were to be emotionally manipulative, possessive, constantly putting him down and hurting him while also keeping him - he’d do it to any other partners. The thing is people who ship katsudeku usually don’t ship it hc'ing that Katsuki keeps his ill behavior towards Deku in the relationship - we cherish the character’s growth and development. The canon Katsuki, the Katsuki with the bad behavior in the older chapters, as stated above, didn’t even wish to keep Deku around as a peer, let alone to form some kind of deeper bond. The romantic katsudeku ship I personally want is the kind where Katsuki grows and changes (as it’s slowly happening in canon) enough past his insecurities towards Deku to be okay with approaching him like he does to other peers. No possessiveness, no emotional abuse, because I personally don’t see that coming from him.

Since we got to this point, something interesting and relevant that I don’t usually see being pointed out is that in the very beginning of the story, it wasn’t only Katsuki opposing to the idea Deku could enter UA while being quirkless. The entire class laughed at him, and the teacher didn’t bat an eye.

This is not to gloss over the fact Katsuki did show unexcusable behavior towards Deku, but I think the scene was set up that way to show it was not only Katsuki’s isolated behavior, but the system, BNHA’s society is shaped to mock and discourage individuals who believe they can become heroes or achieve certain things despite the conditions of their quirk(lesness). The way the society is shaped was Deku’s childhood bully. He was mocked by his peers as young as 4, while at the same time Katsuki was put in a pedestal because of his quirk - which led to his massive ego complex. We can’t analyse their personalities and relationship without taking in account the context they grew up in. Many people frame Katsuki as the single-handed culprit for Deku’s bullying background without taking this whole context into account, while also casting Deku the role of a submissive, persecuted victim when he deliberately chose to stick around Katsuki, and just generally shows to be a character with a lot more agency than that.

And what’s interesting in this scene is that Katsuki didn’t laugh along with everyone else when Deku says he wants to apply and he might have a chance. Because Katsuki takes that seriously. He takes that as a personal offence. The whole point of Katsuki’s ill feelings towards Deku were always that he

feels as Deku is mocking his efforts by believing that himself, a quirkless boy who didn’t do any kind of physical preparation for a heroics course - has chances of becoming a hero as much as Katsuki, who is a born genius AND presumably prepared himself to apply to UA, with training and studying, going as far as scolding his colleague for smoking because he wanted a clean student record.

he feels threatened by Deku because ever since they were kids, as much as Deku admired him, he also saw Katsuki as someone who was able to get hurt and could have a hand offered to like anyone else; Deku saw him as superior in terms of skill, but an equal as a human being, while all the other kids did not. And that made Katsuki not stand him. Because he’s scared of being anything less than the very best, he’s scared of being someone who can be offered help - in his eyes, someone who can be pitied and looked down onto.

And that’s why he reacts with hostility. He wants to intimidate Deku out of even trying to apply to UA. It’s even stated by Katsuki’s colleagues he got out of hand this time, implying it’s not normal behavior for Katsuki (and I’ve seen people saying it was confirmed by Horikoshi himself, though I don’t have sources so don’t quote me on that). Again, he will only seriously smack Deku down if he feels threatened. He does not go out of his way to put him down on a daily basis because he doesn’t want to interact with Deku to begin with.

Also, Deku actually never stated he hates Katsuki. Not once. What he actually says is closer to “he may be a jerk, but-”, which is how the official english translation translated it, as seen above (stole the picture from this post by @kiraelric because it’s where I found it faster :P). Here’s a post explaining it, and I quote @sugarmagic who gently broke down the first panel - which FA translated as “I hate his guts” - for me:

Basically the word 嫌う, the verb form is “to hate” but 嫌な奴 is “unlikable/disagreeable guy.” So what I’m pretty sure happened is that they didn’t realize な was modifying the word to be an adjective. It’s not describing Deku’s feelings, it’s describing Kacchan’s character. The reading of the kanji is written as “iyana yatsu,” versus “Kacchan ga kurai” which really would be “I hate Kacchan”. Then again, even if they read it that way, the furigana explicitly shows the reading, so I don’t even know what they were thinking.

 The translation group Fallen Angels takes way too much freedom and completely distorts some lines, and the dislike of Bakugou/his relationship with Deku in the western fandom was heavily influenced by interpreting it via FA’s aggravated translations. I had people who know japanese tell me how gratuitously innacurate the translations are - as an example, FA translates Deku thinking Katsuki is difficult to deal with as Deku thinking Katsuki causes him to be aware of his own flaws (source). The translations paint Bakugou’s character and his relationships, specially with Deku, unnecessarily harsher than they really are. In fact, something the localisation usually fails to translate is how Bakugou’s “die!” and similar threats are not be taken as seriously in japanese as one would in english - but rather pretty immature and petty (source).

So! If you read up to this point and you’re interested in reading other meta on Katsuki and Deku’s characters and relationship, you should check @explodo-smash’s meta tag. They’re a pretty smart team and can explain/analyse things better than me - in fact their meta helped me a lot understand better their dynamics post my bloody Fallen Angel readings. That’s all for today, and thank you for taking the time to read.

[notthetoothfairy]

He’s Got You High

For @a-simple-rainbow. ♥♥♥

She wanted something based on this post: Kurt sends an email to his TA while high on pain meds after a wisdom teeth extraction.

read on AO3

Blaine is in the middle of his theatre history class when his phone signals a new email in his inbox. Discreetly hiding the phone from his instructor’s view by keeping his hands behind a stack of textbooks on his desk, he goes to his email folder and checks the sender.

It reads, Kurt Hummel.

He has to bite his tongue to stop the smile forming on his lips. Kurt is a sophomore, only a year behind Blaine, and takes improv and stage combat class with Blaine. He’s also a student in one of Mme Tibideaux’s more advanced voice studio classes that Blaine miraculously got to be the TA for this year.

To say that Kurt is Blaine’s favorite student would be an understatement – in fact, hopelessly crushing on him is probably more accurate.

It’s not like Blaine is planning to do anything about it, at least not while he’s Kurt’s TA. It would be inappropriate, unprofessional, and probably also really awkward, especially if Kurt isn’t interested.

So, he’s not fooling himself into thinking that Kurt’s email will be anything out of the ordinary. Probably a note of absence or questions about the final exam… though, as Blaine notices with a frown, the subject reads “Paper Eggstension”. Autocorrect maybe? There’s no way Kurt’s spelling is that bad, Blaine has read and graded most of his MUS105 papers.

Glancing at the teacher to ensure he’s still unobserved, Blaine opens the email, intrigued and a bit concerned now. He scans the first few lines and – oh, wow.

Everyone at NYADA knows Kurt is full of surprises and he’s certainly made an impression on Blaine more than once but this…? This has Blaine blushing, giggling under his breath, shaking his head fondly and wanting to check up on Kurt all at once.

To: Blaine Anderson

From: Kurt Hummel

Subject: Paper Eggstension

---

Dear Mr. Blaine,

sry, I forgot your last name because Rachel calls you Mr. Dreamboat! And y would I use your last name anyway? You told us to call you Blaine. Thats a nice name. Blaiiiine.

You said other stuff too. Like that we could send you our MUS105 paper before we send it to Mme Tibidibideaux (I wish she let us call her Blaine too) but only if we dont miss the deadline. Now I gotta tell you: No can-do. But I have an excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you don’t believe. But you should. Cuz Blaine, u see – I got my teeth removed. The smarty ones. The wisdom teat. Anyway. I got them out. It was brutality. So much pain, worse than when I watched you unfairly lose Midmight Madnesssss against that senior douche, whatever the fuck his name is again. You should have won Blaine. You were better. I think Rachel bribe the judge bc she went out with senior douche… what is hid name? Bobby? Barney?

But PLEASE could I get a few more days, could you ask Mme T.…??? I really wanna do well bc… you see, Mme T., she scares the hell out of me. Ha that rhymes, triple! Cuz I’m awesome. Yes, I am. You can just accept that as fact or you can also go out wih me and see how awesome I am for yourself, your choice (but pick the latter!). But anyway please please pls pls pls can I hand it the paper a bit later? I really cant submit something bad -- and Im afraid they pulled out my brain with the teeth!!!!!!!! I can’t write a well paper without a brain!

My doctor says Ill regret writing emails while Im hai (thats German for shark, funny fact) so I’m gonna stop and hope that you will say yes! Please bro? Oh! Brody. Brodouche. Midnight Madman. Destroy him next time! (He broke up with Rach, he deserves it.)

Thank you, Mr. Blaineboat. I really like you.

Kurt xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Blaine reads the email three times before deciding that he should wait until after class to type out a response. In the state he’s in right now, he’ll probably do something stupid and just write back, Yes to all.

He wants to, of course. He’d give Kurt an extension on his paper and say yes to a date with him in a heartbeat but… he knows he’ll have to convince Mme Tibideaux, sort out his personal TA-student dating policy (and maybe ask around if NYADA has an official take on it) and make sure Kurt really meant to type this and didn’t just do so in the spur of the painkiller-induced moment.

The class can’t end fast enough but as soon as it’s over and Blaine finds a quiet corner in the library to think of what to respond, he blanks, drafting several replies but ending up deleting all of them.

“Goddammit,” he mutters to himself. “Just write something.”

In the end, “something” doesn’t really compare to Shakespeare but Blaine figures that at least he won’t risk his job over it, either.

And maybe, just maybe, Kurt will catch the ambiguity in his words.

-

“What are you working on?” Rachel asks when she comes back to the loft, arms full of grocery bags that Kurt hopes are filled with veggies for him to make soup with. He seriously craves eating something that isn’t liquid but mushy veggies drowning in hot water really is the maximum of cheating when it comes to his pained cheeks. He knew it was a bad idea to get both upper wisdom teeth out the same day. But it’s too late to complain. At least he has a best friend who brings him soup.

Kurt sighs at the laptop in front of him.

“My paper for Mme Tibideaux,” he responds. “You know I love Sondheim but interpreting his work while physically injured makes me want to kill him.”

“He’s in his mid-eighties, Kurt,” Rachel tells him. “Let an old man be.”

“Ugh.” Kurt rubs his eyes. “The meds are making me tired, though.”

“Why do you even bother writing the paper when you got an extension from Mr. Dreamboat?”

Kurt frowns at Rachel. “Extension? When would I have gotten that?”

“In your email?” Rachel frowns back. “Come on, don’t tell me you chickened out just because you’re in love with him. He’s still our TA, he could probably do something about that deadline, so-”

“I don’t remember writing an email.” Kurt goes to student email and punches in his username and password. “Or getting one back, for that matter. Like, wouldn’t I rem-” He blinks in surprise, catching Blaine’s name in his inbox – twice, even. How high was he, exactly? “Wait, what did I…?” Clicking on the email, bits and pieces come back to him, and he suddenly grabs the couch cushion next to him, holding onto it for dear life. “Oh my god, no.”

“What?”

“Rachel.” Kurt feels the blood draining from his face. “Oh, Jesus, please tell me I didn’t write that…”

He scrolls through the quoted email below Blaine’s short responses (Dear Kurt, thank you for telling me! And yes, of course! I’ll talk to Mme Tibideaux, and get back to you once I know more. Get well soon! All the best, Blaine, and the more recent Dear Kurt, I got a yes from Mme Tibideaux, you’re getting one more week! Best, Blaine) and cringes when he reads the first line.

“I did. Fuuuuuck. Oh god, now I wish Sondheim could kill me.”

“Again, the guy’s, like, 85…” Rachel says slowly. “And why would you- whoa, is that your email to Blaine?”

Kurt doesn’t answer, instead opting to hide his face in his hands.

“You did not tell him we call him Mr. Dreamboat.”

Kurt whimpers.

“You did not ask him out!” Rachel squeals.

Kurt lets out a miserable whine.

“Oh my god, Kurt, you did not tell him you like him and signed the email with a dozen kissing faces!!!”

“WHAT?!” Kurt’s hands fly back to his laptop. He didn’t re-read that part. “Oh my god! I ju- Rachel, I can never go back to that school. I’m such a failure at life, Jesus Christ.”

“You’re very religious all of a sudden.”

“Don’t just sit there mocking me,” Kurt begs. “Tell me it was all just a bad dream.”

Rachel gives him a look of deep, genuine pity. “I really wish I could but I doubt my eyes can never unsee that email. Also, I know you wrote that while you were high on pain meds but I am a bit upset you never told me you didn’t like Brody. Might have saved me some trouble.”

Kurt rolls his eyes at her. “You honestly believe I never brought it up? What do you think we were we having that flea-market chair argument for? And don’t even pretend like you would have called it off with him just because I said something.” Rachel opens her mouth to speak but Kurt shakes his head violently. “It doesn’t matter, anyway – what am I going to do about this?!”

Rachel shrugs. “Kurt, it’s out there. All you can do now is roll with it.”

“In my grave, you mean?”

“In class. To which we’re going tomorrow since you’re so much better already,” Rachel tells him sternly. “Judging by Mr. Dreamb-”

“We can’t call him that anymore,” Kurt says quickly.

“Fine.” She sighs. “Judging by Blaine’s reply, he’s not bothered by it. Who knows, maybe he’s flattered. Or happy about it. It’s not every day you get an email from a cute guy confessing he’s crushing on you.”

“Yeah, right,” Kurt mumbles into the sleeve of his sweater. “As if I stand a chance with him.”

“No time like the present to find out,” Rachel says with finality. “Now, I’m making you soup, and you’re going to put on some Sondheim so you can work on your paper with some fresh insights and maximum concentration.”

It’s a nice thought – but Kurt doesn’t get anything done that night.

-

Blaine carefully keeps his eyes on his notebook when Rachel and Kurt walk into his class.

He was expecting Kurt to come back today (and no, he did not google how long it takes for people to recover from wisdom teeth extraction – he just asked Sam, who had gotten it done right before moving to New York), and he might have put a little extra effort into looking good today. He never got a response from Kurt, so he figures the guy has either silently acknowledged the paper extension, avoided Blaine for a number of possible reasons or forgotten about the exchange entirely.

Whatever the motivation behind it, Blaine will not despair over it. He’s Kurt’s TA, and as such won’t try anything anyway. NYADA doesn’t seem to have any policy against TAs dating students but nevertheless, he doesn’t want to put either them in an awkward position.

Which doesn’t even take into account the fact that he still doesn’t know whether Kurt remembers asking him out, whether he actually meant it, or whether he intends to ask again.

He might want to wait until Blaine’s no longer his TA as well. That’s alright with Blaine. After all, there’s a month left to this semester, so he can wait. He totally can.

He looks up from his notebook with a smile.

“Hi everyone,” he greets the class. “How are you doing? So, the deadline for your papers is Friday so I hope you’ve all sent me your drafts in case you want me to read them.” He can’t help but let his eyes wander to where Kurt is sitting. “Unless there were any reasons to hand them in late.”

Kurt blinks really quickly at the sudden eye contact, and lets out a nervous laugh.

And Blaine realizes he really totally cannot wait a whole month to get answers to his questions.

Before he can stop himself, he adds, “Everyone with extensions on their papers, please come see me after class.”

Of course, that’s just Kurt, but the class won’t know. Okay, Rachel might know, seeing as she elbows Kurt so hard it almost sends him flying off his seat. Kurt almost doesn’t seem to notice it as he’s busy staring at Blaine with a bit of a twitch in his eye.

Blaine suppresses a groan. This isn’t the plan. What is he doing?

-

“Blaine, I am so sorry!” Kurt exclaims in misery when the rest of the students slip away after class is over.

He’s beyond glad that Blaine didn’t make him sing any of his pieces today because apart from already being nervous whenever Blaine does ask him to do that, today his anxiety probably would have been the final straw. He might have run off or broken out into tears in front of everyone.

Blaine looks at him with a small smile. “You’ve got nothing to apologize.”

“Uh, yes, I do,” Kurt says stubbornly. He’s beyond mortified; the least Blaine can do is let him apologize properly. “I really didn’t mean to-”

“Oh.” Blaine looks down on the pile of sheet music he was stacking. “Yeah, right. Uhm, seriously though, I know how bad pain killers can be, I don’t blame you for-”

“Oh thank god, you know it was the pain meds,” Kurt breathes out in relief. “I was afraid you’d think-”

“No worries,” Blaine cuts him off. “It’s alright if you didn’t mean any of it.”

Kurt hesitates for a second, and gulps as he takes in Blaine’s slightly shaky hand movement as he stuffs the sheet music into his messenger bag.

“If…?” he asks quietly.

“I mean that,” Blaine says, eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Sorry, that, of course.”

Kurt’s at a loss. He’s getting mixed signals, and just judging by the last bit of the exchange – if that was the only thing that had happened, his stupid email and the fact that Blaine is his freaking TA forgotten – he might even be encouraged to inquire further.

But he can’t just admit to meaning all of it, right?

He settles for the safer topic. “So you wanted to speak to me about my paper?” he asks.

“Uh, yes.” Blaine smiles, though he still looks distracted. “I just wanted to ask you whether you had any questions about the material since you couldn’t join us for the last two sessions.”

“I…” Kurt shakes his head. “No, I think I’ve got it covered. Rachel caught me up.”

“Alright. Well, if you have any questions, you can send me an email.”

“Or not,” Kurt says quickly. “I think I’m swearing off emails for a while.”

Blaine laughs, the sound warm and pleasant in Kurt’s ear.

“Right,” he says. “I know this is a bit awkward but… it could have been worse. You could have written that to Mme Tibideaux or Miss July.”

Kurt is so relieved that Blaine is able to joke about it that he replies with a mindless, “Yeah, except I wouldn’t have told them I liked them, so…”

Blaine gapes at him, and Kurt realizes a second to late what he’s implying yet again.

“Oh,” Blaine says. “I, uh-”

“I’ve got to go,” Kurt cuts in, ears burning. “Can I go?”

“Uh, uhm, well, yeah, of course,” Blaine stutters.

As Kurt turns around and gathers his stuff, he can hear Blaine mutter something to himself. Kurt’s almost out the door, when Blaine calls out, “Kurt?”

Kurt turns around gingerly. “Yeah?”

“I really didn’t mind.”

“Okay...”

“Like, really really.”

Kurt wants to scream, But what does that mean?! Instead, he takes a deep breath, collects his thoughts, and says, “Okay… see you in improv, I guess?”

Blaine nods quickly. “Yeah. Later, Kurt.”

“Later, Blaine.”

-

Blaine is early to improv class, even though it’s all the way across campus. But he didn’t stop for his usual coffee, grabbed a salad to-go instead of lunch with his friends from his dorm, and also maybe, possibly hurried to get to class because Kurt is usually early to everything.

Blaine is the first to arrive, though, so he grabs his usual seat and gets out his salad. He’s about to slice the egg when he hears Kurt’s voice from outside the classroom.

“Talk to you later, Rachel.”

“Okay. And, Kurt, remember to ask-”

“Bye now!”

As soon as Kurt’s through the door, his eyes land on Blaine and he freezes.

“Uh, hi,” he says. His cheeks are slightly red, probably from the cold weather outside. “You’re – uhm, early.”

“Yeah.” Blaine looks down briefly, willing himself to just go for it this time. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Again?” Kurt bites his lip. “I thought-”

“Kurt, when I said yes in the email, I meant yes to both.”

“Both?” Kurt frowns. “I don’t-”

“Both questions. Or requests, I guess.”

Kurt’s eyes widen. “You mean…”

“Yeah, I mean,” Blaine says with as much conviction as possible. “At first, I didn’t want to say anything because, you know, TA and all, but… seeing you in class, knowing, or well, hoping that you meant it, and… I don’t know, I couldn’t wait those four weeks until the semester is over. So I asked you to stay after class but then that felt super shady, too, so… I don’t even really know what I’m doing right now.”

“Do you know what you’re saying, though?” Kurt asks breathlessly.

“Well…” Blaine can’t suppress a grin. “Unlike some people, I’m not on pain meds right now, so, yeah, I’m pretty sure I have full control over my words.”

Kurt glares at him but it’s mostly façade, especially considering he’s still looking like Christmas came a bit early this year, and Blaine… well, Blaine is floored at the thought of being the one to actually make him look like that.

“Well, apparently those pain meds at least made me confess something neither of us could admit to sober, so…”

“Hey, for the record,” Blaine says, getting up to stand in front of Kurt, “I fully intended to ask you out once the semester was over.”

Kurt’s eyes are locked on Blaine with sheer intensity, and Blaine isn’t proud to admit it makes his knees a bit weak.

“Really?” Kurt asks, clearly intrigued, then sighs. “So my email was completely unnecessary.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Blaine says. “I got so many laughs out of it.”

“Oh god, shut up.”

“No, I mean, it – eggstension?” Blaine chuckles. “Wisdom teat? There were some good ones there.”

“What part of shut up-”

Waiting really isn’t Blaine’s strong suit, he realizes, as he leans in to kiss Kurt, four weeks too early to be completely professional, yet about half a year too late considering how long he’s had his eye on him.

Kurt’s protest is muffled against Blaine’s lips, and dies down completely once they press closer together to get better access. They part for air briefly, and Kurt whispers, “When I got up this morning, I would have sworn this would be the last thing I’d ever say, but I’m pretty proud of myself for writing that email now.”

Blaine licks his bottom lip, chasing the faint taste of Kurt there. “I’m glad you wrote it, too.” This whole thing between them has lasted about a minute but he wants more so badly he feels like he’s physically incapable from drawing Kurt back in and kissing him again.

They keep at it until other students start to trickle into the room, and even then they share meaningful glances and press their ankles together between their chairs.

Between all the talking and kissing, Blaine didn’t get to eat his salad, so about halfway through the lecture, his stomach starts growling.

Kurt turns to him with a grin. “Forgot to eat?”

“I guess I was distracted.”

“Hm, by what, I wonder?” Kurt asks cheekily.

Blaine eyes his untouched salad in amusement. “I guess I got pretty egg-sited over this boy I like.”

It’s totally worth all the frustrated elbowing he gets in response.

[imaginedeux]

On Your Left! Zack Merrick AU Part 9

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ‘

Trigger Warnings: Tattoos, Tattoo Needles, Self Image Issues

-Weeks Later; (Y/N)’s POV-

“Okay, I'm going to start, this is the last time you have to back out.” The tattoo artist said wiping at my ankle. I nodded before I looked away from him.

“You’re going to be okay, it’s smaller compared to the ones the rest of the crew have.” Zack said from next to me, his hand over mine, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles, trying to calm me down.

“Defiantly smaller than the one Rian has.” I said taking in a sharp breath feeling the needle come in contact with my ankle. “Yup, shit place for a tattoo.” I mumbled before Zack laughed.

“I told you to get it on your arm, but nooooo Pikachu knows everything.” Zack mocked as I flinched as the needle got closer to the bone.

“Yeah, this next part might suck, so Zack, can you make sure she doesn't move her leg.” The tattoo artist asked wiping the extra ink getting more to continue the line he was on. I turned to see Zack nod and place his other hand on my shin.

“You’re doing awesome (Y/N), just a little it more.” Zack whispered leaning his head against the side of my head. We had only gotten closer and closer after that night on the roof of the bus, it started with secret smiles, hand holding when no one was around, and most recent was cuddling with each other when we watched moves in the living room. “Hey, think about it, you’re the first one in the group to have a different kind of tattoo from everyone else.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to have an exact same one...” I smiled thinking back to when I designed the small skull with cross bones. It wasn’t that amazing of a design, it was simple, a couple of lines, no filling, it was different but it still looked like skull and cross bones the guys had.

“There you go, you’re all done.” The tattoo artist said putting a liquid onto the tattoo before wiping it away. I looked down at the quarter sized tattoo and smiled, it was exactly the way you had designed it.

“Thank you! Its exactly the way I wanted it!” I said happily giving the man a hug. “It looks like I'm officially a part of the All Time Low family.” I smiled at Zack who still had his hand on mine as the guy wrapped my ankle up.

“Babe, you’ve been a part of the family since the day you stepped onto the bus.” Zack chuckled lacing his fingers with mine helping me up from the tattoo chair. I  blushed at the pet name, I still wasn't use to the pet names and the PDA we showed each other out in the open. After paying for the tattoo, hand in hand Zack and I stepped out of the cold shop into the warm air of Hawaii. About a week after tour ended, I temporarily moved in with Zack while we planned our adventures for after Christmas, where we’d spend it here on the island with a group of friends I was going to meet tonight. “So what do you want to do? We still have a couple of hours until we have to meet with my friends until the get together.”

“Not to sound like a total girl from a movie or something, but I still kinda need an outfit for tonight. Most of the clothing I brought with me from home fit a bit big on me.” I confessed blushing. The whole buying actual clothing was still new to me, in college I spent most of my time in jeans and band tees, and now I was in basketball shorts and old shirts.

“Thats nothing to be ashamed of (Y/N), we can go shopping for an outfit, and its not a fancy get together so you don't have to worry about that. Look there’s a store, we can start there and if you don't like anything we can go to another one.” Zack knew very well I was still kind of insecure with my body, and there were still shirts and pants that didn't fit me that well, so he knew that shopping for clothing was a scary thing to me. Luckily for me I was able to find a cute and comfortable outfit and some pretty sandals to go along with it within 30 minutes which gave us enough time to get to Zack’s place and get ready at a calm pace.

Getting to the house I quickly undid the dutch braids my hair were in since last night when I did them after my shower. This allowed my hair to become fake cork screw curls and gave me more time to do make up, which still took me life to do even if it was simple. 

“Babe, you ready?” Zack asked knocking on the bathroom door I were behind applying some liquid eye liner for the millionth time.

“Yeah, sorry still getting the hang of liquid eyeliner!” I yelled ripping open door to find Zack putting on one of his snapbacks. “I should have asked at the store but does this look okay?” I asked looking down at my outfit, it was a loose light blue blouse that had a couple of buttons at the collar, one of which I left undone, some form fitting dark capri jeans, and some nice sandals, I left my tattoo wrapped not exactly sure where we would be heading throughout the night. I honestly felt like a mom on vacation, but I still felt comfortable.

“U-uh, y-yeah. You look incredible (Y/N).” Zack blushed looking at my outfit. He had a fit black tee on, some dark jeans and his usual Supras. “Wow.” 

“Um, thanks. You look good yourself there Merrick.” I smiled walking past him to the room we’d been sharing since we got to the island, to grab my wallet and my cellphone. “Did your friends ask us to take anything?” I asked looking into the mirror one last time just to make sure I didn't look like a total fool.

“Um, yeah, I got it done while you got ready.” Zack explained coming up next to me as I messed with my hair a bit more. “Hey, you already look perfect, no need to worry.” He said grabbing my hand stopping it for messing with my hair more. “Come on, lets take a picture.” He smiled this time putting his arm around my shoulders.

“You really want to take a picture?” I asked looking up at him as he took his phone out and put it in selfie mode. “Hah! For once I actually look tiny next to you!” I laughed looking up at the camera, Zack taking a couple of shots while I laughed. “I wasn't ready!”

“You still look perfect (Y/N), but here we can take some on your accord.” He laughed handing me his phone.

“Yes, let the professional photographer take the pictures, now stand behind me.” I ordered him laughing. He stood behind me as pointed the camera at the two of us. He laughed seeing that he would have to bend down so his face could come out in frame. “Alright, one two three!” I said smiling while I took the pictures, Zack quickly kissed my cheek as I took the last photo.

“I think thats going to be my favorite.” Zack said grabbing the phone from my hands and ran out the room to the dining room. “Come on (Y/N), we need to leave!” Fifteen minutes later the two of us had arrived to the get together, food in tow.

“Liam!” Zack yelled seeing the man who was just as buff as Zack, open the front for the two of us.

“Zack! Long time no see, good to have you back on the island.” Liam said bringing Zack in for a huge hug. “And this must be the ever so popular (Y/N). When we would talk while you all were on tour, he couldn't shut up about you. Its nice to put a face to a name.” Liam said bringing me in for a hug, that wasn't as tight as the one received. “Come in, come in, were only missing a couple of people before we can really get this party started.” He yelled happily before grabbing onto the dish of food I was holding.

“You didn't tell me there were going to be this many people.” I whispered before most of the people in the house yelled for Zack.

“I didn't think there would be this many people either. Everything will be fine, if you need to out of here for a bit, just squeeze my hand twice and well find a quiet place to chill for a bit.” Zack whispered back holding my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. For the next 30 minutes Zack took me around introducing me to all of his friends, all of them, thankfully, were nice. Until we hit the last bunch of people.

“Hey Malia, Jess, Rick, nice to see you all again!”

“Nice to see you again man, long time no see. How you been?” Rick asked giving Zack a ‘bro hug’. “Who is this?” He asked gesturing towards me.

“This is my- um (Y/N). She’s our photographer and graphic designer for tour. We’re going to be traveling a bit after we celebrate Christmas here. So I thought it was a good idea to introduce her to everyone before Christmas in a couple of weeks.” Zack explained, gripping onto my hand a bit tighter. We never really talked about what we were with each other, we weren't in a relationship yet, but we were most defiantly not just friends.

“So you're sleeping with the help?” The red head questioned giving me a nasty once over. I suddenly felt as if I was taking up a lot more room than I should be.

“Jess, what the hell?” The blonde next to her yelled. “Im sorry (Y/N), Jess can be a bit, salty.”

“I’ll fight for whats mine Malia.” Hers? Wait was Zack in a relationship? Am I the other woman? I slowly let go of Zack’s hand stepping away from the group.

“Wait, no, I was never yours Jess! We went to lunch once, and we agreed nothing was going to happen between us.” Zack argued before looking back at me, trying to keep me near him. “Nothing ever happened between us Babe, I promise you.”

“Pet names already? Its funny how i’ve never seen Zack mention you once or even posted about you on Twitter or Instagram.” She shot back, the venom dripping in her voice.

“Because she asked me not to.” Zack retaliated, he was right, I had asked all the guys and Tom not to post any photos of me on any social media after the incident when Tom took a photo of Kellin, Zack and I, and Zack had his arm around my shoulders. Most of the comments were targeted at my weight, which was my main source of insecurity so I though I would make it easier on myself if there weren't any photos of me.

“Or maybe she realized that she’d never be good enough for you Zachary.” Jess said, throwing the finishing blow to my gut. I squeezed Zack’s hand twice, and ran.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i want to practice just like going through the anger of his message without an actual response because like fuck him?

“i called you to say i was going to he wedding and caring for you and going to rehab potentially and you said that ou didnt know what to say because its not what you want to do”

false. and this is just crammed into a giant paragraph of other bullshit. man, you called me to tell me what you were going to do. and you have literally never in your life understood what it means to respect another person’s feelings or wishes outside of like a guest in your house for one night. again it was never about him going to rehab. it was the fact that its told to me like a slap in the face. its not like im involved in anyway its just im doing this see you later, maybe?

“and then you knowingly or not manipulate the situation by saying youre not doing the surgery because youre not having it your way just like you did a week ago when you realized my vision for the property is not the same as yours”

man. why is it that i can say something clear as fucking day, repeat it 400 times and this person will tell me straight faced that thats not what i did, thats not how i feel and i must feel this way and if i dont then im lieing to myself.

when i am confronted with a person aggressively asking me vague questions in regards to what was once a positive fucking discussion as a natural born human being it is within my capacity to react with really high suspicion as to how much this person actually respects me. because its not the act of changing your mind - you can change your mind a thousand times. but you can also say ‘man i was thinking about this and this and i was wondering about this and you were saying this’ instead of ‘how many x for this how much for this’ like wow. and then to turn around and use my reaction as a basis of just “not getting my way”? you are repeatedly at every fucking turn demonstrating a huge disrespect for my feelings and you think im a fucking slave that should have zero opinion or feeling on anything you do but continue to merrily go along with what you see for the future.

“i need help and thinking of other people first has prevented me from getting help for years because ‘you guys’ always do this. theres always something that im always ‘ruining’ if im not ‘there’“

literally for decades youve treated people consistently like fucking shit. you give false promises you masquerade in being sick. you refuse at any singular pointt o see any true priviledge you actually have and why that means you can never understand how these people felt like when you left them 200$ at xmas in a crackhouse and went on a family vacation. you ruined xmas bro. you fucking ruined it and you thought you did a good fucking deed. a good deed wouldve been being their family. period. and you didnt want to do that an thats okay but to act like you should be praised for what you did do when it barely made a dent? fuck you you self righteous prick.

“this is what happens at the property. i go to work everyday to pay for you all to eat and for the upgraes and equipment. you guys wake up at your leisure and do exactly as much work as you feel is necessary and then fuck off for the rest of the day when i come home and have to solve personal problems like you and jame or you and aaron”

omg. this is the exact paragraph that defines exactly why im officially out. like first of all you are of zero motherfucking help to all of the above people including myself to maintain a lifestyle we lived here that bruoght us nothing because you think some deep drive will make it better even though your ass is going to rehab. you have zero provisions for any of these people and all they can do is sincerely invest their time energy and money into preparing themselves and their belief in what can happen. to think this crazy man could provide more than two meals is literally foolish like you arent ready to survive if you think youre surviving off of this guy. and like i already know this pretty well. in no way does he understand that i lived in survival mode with a crazy person who claimed to be doing good for my life. i did that already. its a completely different ball game. i dont even believe in you. i believe in me.

“the fact that you feel entitled to a payout because you did two weeks of research demontrates that you have no idea the investment i am putting in”

excuse me, what? by me asking for fucking dignity and respect when you change your fucking plans that involve MY FUTURE that YOU PUT ME WITHIN i’m doing this on the basis of being entitled to a fucking payout? respect? the fact that you think this is “two weeks of research” demonstrates that you literally would throw people out on their ass because you ~owned the property and they didnt you know “invest enough”. and at no point will it be told to you how much you need to invest to be secure. at no point. so he will ask for free labour which to him is not free because he feeds you !!! right because that worked for the slaves.

“i understand that this will be the situation as i laid it out because ive been down this road before a few times and i’m not laying it out to put anyone down; its just how it goes and i know for a fact it will piss me off and cripple me because i am already extremely weak”

man. who the fuck are you? you want people to support you getting help and doing positive things and respect you for being a homeless shelter but literally shit on and disrespect and belittle and degrade the people you want to be with you? whyyyyyyyyyy in the fuck would i ever want to speak to a person who believes i’m lazy and lives off of him and causes problems. why the fuck would i do that. oh but like hes not putting me down its just “how it goes”. and hes telling me this like im going to be like “oh okay i didnt realize ‘thats how it goes’ sorry”. you are in no motherfucking way a savior to any single person nor will you ever be. to truly help another person in the ways you believe you want to help people you have to be born with a trait that makes you preconceived to these ways or you have to work every day at it to become like that and you have not even begun to put in the work it woul take to reach such a high standard of care and altruism. again, fuck you.

“that being said, it doesnt change my desire but i must find a way to prepare myself to see if is something i can handle because if its not youre out to weeks of research and get to go back on welfare but me, i own 17k have to give the boot to my friends and face god knows what other consequences will come from an ill fated venture like this”

just.

do you know how hard it is for me to not just give in to the worst of my feelings and be like can u just go fucking die already. like you are so much of my mother that the only way you will find peace is to just be dead.you are delusional and fucked up and in so fucking deep i dont think theres a way out for you because there is like next to no moments of true clarity.

‘youre out to two weeks of research and get to go back on welfare’

omg. am i real human being? do you think i am like a fucking search engine that aggregated a bunch of results for you and just displayed information with zero fucking care as to what was happening at all? do you in no way think that if you want me in ANY FUTURE CAPACITY to even SEE this opportunity that i have to manage my current life in a specific way? do you not KNOW this? if you dont know this just STOP. build a fucking cabin in the woods and stay the fuck away from people you ignorant piece of shit.

“it pisses me off that im always me with the same attitude when i try to do something like these people that are literally investing the most minimal part of their day into the venture act like im not putting my nuts on the line for someone else”

omg. you legitimately dont see other people as human beings like this all i can form from this. when i was a child, i saw my mother disappointed that she didnt have this bottle of wine she thought she had and she was like mock disappointed about it but i didnt get it and as a child i was just like.. i felt really bad for my mom. like she didnt have this thing she wanted and expected and i wanted at that moment to give it to her if i could and i just kept doing this to an extreme in my life where like i constantly consider another persons feelings so much that i feel true guilt to act in any malicious or shitty way because i feel like i can really empathize with their moments if i tried to so why is it okay for me to act in such a way. i want to be peaceful and understanding.

so to me i am literally fucking appalled that he cannot comprehend the “investment” one makes with their entire actual fucking livelihood but furthermore my “two weeks of research” led him to his own opportunity. without my “two weeks of research” hed just be a jackass going to rehab. in fact as i began to realize how little he was invested mentally and was just throwing money at a piece of land, i became very scared for him and myself and the concept of this idea because i realized no one knew what to do, no one was taking the initiative to actually look it up and this person is investng 17k. and at no point did they think of a building plan or project or outline of a business or anything, they looked up no regulations and just went on like the dreams of hearsay. i couldnt believe it. i began my journal of information out of pure anxiety and fear that this person wasnt actually going to do any of these things and when it came down to it we would be fucked because the landowner has no idea what he can actually do on his own fucking land. and this is very stressful. is it 17k stressful? i dont know. maybe. maybe not. but it is certainly a large investment of my time and a new creation of anxiety, a reason to distrust whats happening - a reason to no longer trust in what he was saying about this. he just wanted to do this and this the same way he wanted to do all the dumb ass things he did before.

“if i had of known this i would have spent 2 weeks looking shit up’ like fuck right off. im sitting here trying to figure out a way to give people a free fucking place to come and better themselves and i have to eat shit when i express concern for myself”

bro. come into the reality ive lived for 2 months. this all started all of it period started because i offered to help you save money. you did not want this. i suggested buying land to offer small houses of some sort for people to stay to capitalize on both his handyman skills and his hosting skills. then i looked up SEVERAL HUNDRED PROPERTIES and like extremely sorted through these for the best possible deals for the most amount of land with healthy landscape. PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO THIS JOB. LIKE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OVER MONTHS. and i did this job for you for free and presented not just like 10 lots. i presented another 30 lots afterwards. i learned the fucking landscape of pei. i learned about trees and buying land and municipalities. i made maps and scales and put like all of my brain power into this its like saying because you went tothe store and bought the materials, you own whatever the fuck i built from it. and fine maybe you do. maybe in this capitalistic world you do. but omg why do you have to degrade the actual work i did which did not include me getting drunk in the middle of the woods at any point. like you struggled to figure out the meaning of a pit test when this is something i wouldve learned in a day. and i thought like this person knows already they id it before they already have this basic understanding all they need is like some updated info but nope. nope. youre not sitting there trying to figure it out. im sitting here trying to figure it out because no matter how much fucking money you throw at this it will not work without actual knowledge so fuck you man. fuck you. if i had of known you were such a piece of shit, if i had of known you would belittle and degrade any work and care investment i put into this which other people are literally fucking paid for - i wouldnt have spent any time on it at all. youd still be sitting there sobbing about your dead ex and the times you were strung out on k. fuck you bro. fuck you.

“dont talk to me about relationships dont hold this surgery over my head whenever you dont get your way. thats what i dont want to be part of because i have my own issues and if you dont want the care then ill spend my time caring for  myself”

iterally all of your time is looking out for and caring for yourself and any time taken away from that time is a huge fucking deal. like this person believes that just like hanging out with someone is an investment of his time because his time is very valuable. and if you dont appreciate that he took the time to even grace you with his presence when his time is so damn valuable then fuck you. and repeatedly hes said on multiple occasions for varying reasons “i dont want to be apart of this” and “this” is changed to suit whatever his need is for that time. so now he didnt say “this” like he never wanted me or the relationship its that he doesnt want “the drama”. no. no. you didnt and have not wanted the relationship and it has held you back and gave you all these issues you never wanted. period. this is what you said. period.

“im just so fucing exhausted i wasted 45 minutes typing out bullshit that started because i want to go to rehab and that doesnt jive with your insecurity”

.............. first of all on the basis of this entire fucing discussion you cannot in any fucking way ask me to consider the amount of time you spent on fucking anything at all. anything. it means absolutely nothing at all. it means nothing to what i feel. my feelings are more important. whether you invested time you didnt want to or not is of no motherfucking concern to me so fuck you you hypocritical asshole.

this all started because youre an asshole. youve always been an asshole and you literally cannot rehabilitate the fact youre an asshole. weed is not making you a piece of shit. its really truly not. if it is its like the first case in the entire world of it doing such things to someone because omg.

“not to mention i had to think about this shit for 6 hours yesterday”

no one caressssssssssssss. omg. you can sit and think about it for two weeks straight my friend. it means LITERALLY FUCKING NOTHING BY YOUR OWN DEFINITION.

“you know the only people that give me grief when i try to get help are the people who cant stand on their own legs

im sorry.

excuse me? in what capacity do you believe you have positively affected the direction of my life either mentally or financially or physically? you getting help affects me in zero fucking ways to the point that its not even goingt o make my relationship better with you because i really believe you cannot rehab an asshole. but it sincerely has zero affect on my financial or physical well being. what do you think ive been doing? like am i a zombie? im fucking depressed, not dead. this person has never paid my rent. he paid my phone bill as a christmas gift one year. he has really never actually bought me groceries, his mother has three times maybe.

you know, i have no anxiety. well no overwhelming anxiety and im not spiraling. heres a real true fact of life: if he didnt exist, i wouldnt have considered the surgery at all. in my life without him i wouldnt have had an opportunity to possibly have some kind of care (which i love now has an end date that has nothing to do with my recovery)  i wouldnt even have a drive home. so i wouldnt do it. and id be a little pissed for awhile - mostly at my parents more than anything and then just get over it because why dwell so hard on something not that important anyways.

ive been told by doctors its an option. its not like a recommendation - well it is, but its not like oh wow you really have to get this or else. i think people get really uppity about doctors and medical things for no reason and i get that they exist for a quality of life but i just dont think my life is so bad that i have to do this to myself right now.

and ive gotten - well what else are you doing now? whats different? and its true. fair enough. mark in the pro column. but that doesnt outweigh it. just because theres nothing else im doing doesnt mean i shoul do something i think is not a true importance to my life. like if i can have one month of physical care for a 3 inch incision with stitches - why cant i have one month of care for 15 years of severe depression? like all these doctors said im severely depressed, i need help, i need a support system, i need real resources they cant necessarily provide and everyons like wow i dont have the time or space to help you im sorry its too much for me and maybe you wont get better and i cant see you getting better so i cant feel good about how much time i migh have to spend on this.

but an incision. for a cyst. and a friend will take a week off work and spend everyday by my side. he will leave work to care for me, make me meals everyday, run my errands, help me out. and so my sick twisted mind in some ways in some moments looked forward to a real surgery. ike for a brief period of time i would get the care i needed from people but im too incapicitated to actually leverage any of the care i receive. like people would let me stay at their house for x amount of time and its just like man ive been nearly homeless and you acted like im diseased. its a fucking mockery to act like this cyst makes me deserve any more care than i already had. and i think thats why i really think deep down none of these people will do any of these things. i am sick. i am already sick. like really badly. and its all just like looking in from the outside bullshit. so why does this change now? why should i believe it changes?

and after all of this another nagging small thought is like okay so i finally get some kind of care and help and then it will all stop so he can go get better care and help in his priviledge an its like wow why bother. like well ur all healed now ur on ur own byeeee. i am tired of feeling bad for feeling bad. this is a manipulation. this is the true manipulation. it is using “getting help” and “going to rehab” as an excuse to compleely and utterly ignore anything i have to say about fucking anything at all. and hes trying to convince me of this that im the bad person and im not the bad person because ive never been against rehab.

i said “i dont know what you want me to say” instead of “so what about everything weve been talking about for the past two weeks what about the future what about buying land” after givng him all of this space to tell me on his own. what do you want me to say? its happening _ again _. good luck. hope it works out for you this time. i no longer give a fuck. i knew immediately when he sai h was going to rehab that all of the plans were up in the air again. again. again. again. like four hundredth time in a row and its like man how many fucking times o you want me to follow your bullshit because rehab is as genuine as your desire to be a better person and help all these people but youre fucking ruining people because you cant stay the fuck away. how many times am i required to give unconditional love without it actually fucking returned to me or to have what is returned be nothing but negativity towards my life?

you have no idea that the actions of other people really define how you will feel about them in your moments of weakness and need. you can see it but you dont know it. you dont know that it makes the difference of treating someone with actual kindness and respect because theyre a fucking human being not because “well they dont have that”. you havent graduated from giving someone something because you feel bad that they dont have it. you give them respect not because other people didnt vgive them respect but because this person deserved fucking respect all along. if you do it for the first reason its really all for your ego. you think youre doing something better than the next person. yuo know, “well iiiii woulnt be like that” - yeah you would, just in another circumstance.

i no longer regularly deal with outwardly shitty people. it was really important to me to find people who were caring in some respect but im learning even among those who are caring are abusers. theyre everywhere and its naive to think theyre not because thats how you fall victim. you just dont think its happening because it cant happen because theyre caring.

what i see myself truthfully terribly doing is nothing. although i clearly have a response for him, i dont. im just angry and i dont see how expressing any of my anger towards him will bring any resolution to any issue. and im not “just angry” like im just airing some grief but im angry. im very angry. and its no longer worth it. what can i reply? what could i possibly reply? “oh god youre so right im so sorry of course everything i did is nothing compared to you im sorry for being so selfish thank you sooo much for helping me” because it looks like the only available option now. and im not taking that option. i coul fight. argue all my points. tell him he was wrong. but why? but i think i may do so much nothing that i will just remain passive and hurt. semi forced into this scenario, upset and depressed. and i can see myself trying to accept help before stopping a few days into it.

i wish i could eternal sunshine him. i really do.

[irregodless]

so i just finished virtues last reward and im kinda angry because now life is strange kinda makes sense

DISCLAIMER: so its been like.... what.... two or three years since i even watched someone play it? im going off of what i remember which means POSSIBLY i didnt remember an explanation or didnt pay proper attention to it, so be warned

DISCLAIMERx2 COMBO!!!: this is probably some old ass news but even in the height of its popularity i kinda came into the story late and even then i wasnt crazy about it. it was good. i really enjoyed it. but it was easier for me to kind of passively mock it for having bullshitty trumped up time logic. the reason for this AND FOR MY FIRST DISCLAIMER MOSTLY is because the game doesnt really explain it to you or why anythings happening. which is fair i guess. max isnt really a time travel geek or a scientist and short of having mr “time guardian” come out and exposition dump there wasnt much to do. maybe if warren was our protag he wouldve figured it out but i cant really blame max for NOT. especially since it was reality for her. to us we can examine it objectively and understand the rules governing it as we observe the limitations. i mean for all she knew she couldve gone back in time three times and it be over and she could never do it again ever

for my explanation ill be referencing 999 and its sequel zero escape virtue’s last reward as well as homestuck (because for all intents and purposes it makes intelligent use of time travel and with colloquialisms that make it sort of easier to digest than just abstract names.) naturally some spoilers may apply to all three as well as life is strange (obviously)

if you boil the story of life is strange to its most core element, itll start to make sense. life is strange in its simplest form is this: “max caulfield solves a murder/kidnapping mystery.” everything else that happens is just kind of extra or a direct component to that outcome.

i would often complain about how max could get mr jefferson arrested and save kate with her time travelly powers but not chloe when she couldnt have done anything about those things without her power either. i was under the assumption that her abilities were an anomaly and the universe was trying to fix itself by voiding out her effects on the timeline (ie saving chloe). but in retrospect thats kind of really dumb!! why make a story where the protagonist can travel through time but then have the story ultimately be about the universe trying to make it so that everything was the same as before??? it’s silly!! so heres the thing: it was not about that. it was about max getting the information she needed to ultimately solve the mystery (and save kate i guess. im not sure how contingent her survival was to the timeline being “alpha” but if you want to say God or the Sentient Timespace Universe [”Skaia”] were in control of the outcomes and thus dictating maxs actions mayb u could say They wanted to reward kate for being such a devout follower??? maybe her life or death was ultimately inconsequential to the outcome and it couldve gone on with or without her and max was just a good person and saved her. its hard to tell.)

in homestuck there are doomed timelines. timelines wherein something goes wrong that was NOT preordained by skaia (the self-aware universe, essentially, trying to maintain homeostasis in itself) or that directly cause a paradox. one example is davesprite. an action that causes a doomed timeline is john getting himself killed (with a little help from terezi) which leads to a strand where rose and dave are stranded in their game for months. dave then goes back along the timeline to the point that determined whether or not it became doomed. although incidentally, it was the act of him going back in time to stop john from killing himself that splintered the timeline between doomed and alpha (the right one)

thus the doomed timeline was necessary for the alpha timeline to be sustained. and thereafter it ceased to be. in other doomed timelines it either disappears entirely as with davesprites timeline, or everyone just DIES like in the one where vriska and gamzee collectively get everyone killed. it’s the price u pay for not playing the part the universe wrote for u

so in order for max to go along her story to figure out mr jefferson was.... who he was, she had to slip through doomed timelines. timelines that ultimately purged themselves if they went on too long by the means of the big storm. something similar happens in 999 where a certain character gets sick if the story goes in a direction that would lead to a paradox and cause them to not have existed. and if the timeline becomes too far gone, they vanish entirely. this is basically the role of the storm. its not to eradicate the stuff max had done with her powers because she “shouldnt have had them” but because that timeline shouldnt have BEEN to begin with! max was SUPPOSED to have her powers. whether it was all morphogenetic fieldy sciencey reasoning or if “skaia” gave them to her to solve this case, who knows, but its not really all that important.

i could probably explain some of this more easily by using the name of paradoxes, but i forgot most of the official names for them and my computers being kinda silly so i dont feel like taking the time to look them up srry

anyway

max alters the timeline by stopping chloe from dying. they then go on this great big adventure where chole is the ONLY person who could have possibly helped max unravel the mysteries. which i think is fair to say she was the ONLY person to be capable of it bc of her stepdad and her rebellious attitude!

so the two go on adventures and discover what i figured out within the first five minutes of story: MR JEFFERSONS A HORRIBLE PERSON

and chloe dies a bunch along the way because while shes needed to solve the mystery, shes STILL doomed. its like in final destination. you can run from death and avoid a few attempts on your life for a WHILE, but youre still slated for death and gonna die eventually. im not sure it was the universe trying to clear her out like an antibody so much as it was... she was just more susceptible to danger. it also could have been to make maxs powers stronger. the 999 series puts an emphasis on the psychic-y powers being strengthened and honed through LIFE THREATENING SCENARIOS

now in both 999 and vlr (i havent referenced the latter nearly as much as i thought i would!) the events of the games essentially unfold because certain characters figure out that... well... thats what happens!!! so they recreate the event so that it DOES happen so that they CAN have these abilities. they hone their abilities to see and interact through time so that they can avoid MAJOR DISASTERS and fix them, all the way establishing the very parameters that allow them to do so in the first place!

so small summary:

max gets the power to swap out her consciousness from a certain place on the timeline. she does so to save chloe (as a good person and for sentimental purposes) chloe proves to be the key to discovering the mystery behind the shady shit going down at the school she was still ultimately supposed to die though so she dies a bunch along the way because thats just what she does best by working alone doomed timelines where chloe is the only one who can help unearth the mysteries (and to be fair she deserved to be there too since it DID involve her ex-girlfriend) max finally discovers mr jefferson is basically straight up evil and can go back and use the information from her travels to bring him to justice chloes still supposed 2 die tho so shes either wiped out with the timeline by means of the storm that fucks up everyone elses life or she dies unceremoniously in the bathroom because one way or another: SHE WILL DIE max then uses the information to expose jefferson. its kinda weird but i guess paradoxically makes sense that the alpha timeline dictated that for life to progress properly, max had to just MAGICALLY know it was him. (maybe it meant to import me into the game so i couldve called him out as soon as i saw him. or maybe it was only one option. like kate living or not. max can expose him and save the day OR it can go on and be terrible. but that one doesnt have any justice in it so.....) kate lives and thats important? maybe?

basically it was not about trying to undo maxs “rulebreaking” powers

but it was about ENABLING them to do the job the universe/”skaia” (not that life is strange even.... HAS a skaia, but its easy for terminology) had planned for her. which was to fuck over jefferson HARD

the only problem is that to my memory the game never explains this is whats happening. and so when chloe dies youre like “wow nothing mattered.” but the game was never about saving chloe. it was always only ever about solving a kidnapping/murder mystery

it was ALWAYS about that

chloe was never going to stay alive. ever. the final choice was whether or not to return to the alpha timeline or not stay with her as an act of love and get wiped out along with the timeline

but the game doesnt explain this. or how the time travel powers came about or how they work or what they are AT ALL (from what i remember) so it all just seems convoluted and bullshitty

but in reality there IS something driving it. it only took me playing two other games to actually understand what that was.

which is why im not sure i can actually give the writers credit for it because i dont even know if THEY knew what was up or if they just made it up and it was just convenience i was able to apply meaning to it

the fact they (again as i remember) didnt address it in the game makes it really suspect though! and it makes it hard to support them as having done something intelligent. especially when it ended up with tons of players feeling cheated because it fell in line with popular “the illuion of choice telltale style” game lines. so when the final moment came it confused them because nothing informed them that it was ALWAYS a quest of futility and despite maxs emotions or feelings about it, it was never about saving chloe. she was only a tool to achieve the goal of outting jefferson

which i cant say i totally approve of from a general point of view! especially in light of “bury your gays.” but from a time travel-esque mechanic point of view.... yeah it makes sense....

but it doesnt really leave a good feeling. because max and by proxy the player were always under the misunderstanding they could save chloe when in reality they never could.

and the entire game was just. a quest of futility. (in that regard)

but we didnt know. to make it proper, the game shouldve let us into the secret. even if max didnt know and felt cheated at the end, the audience wouldnt feel the same. itd be dramatic irony. wed feel bad but wed know why it had to happen.

anyway, as the Old Woman says in virtues last reward:

“Death was always inevitable.“