#if you are even a tiny bit of an ass on this post I'll yeet you into the sun

[vaspider]

Someday, I will recover from how quickly some people flipped like a switch on whether ertain parts of me were Amazing and Awesome once I crossed over a certain line of butchness. Like, at a particular point - whether it was when my voice dropped a certain amount or my chin got stubbly- my anger and my stubbornness and my iron-spine 'no, you can't steamroll me' changed in their eyes. These personality traits went from being the Feisty, Admirable, and Attractive behavior of a Spunky Feminist Lady to the horrible actions of a Thing that just embarrasses them.

I could even have dealt with it if I just got a pass for standing up for myself or being angry at the state of the world - if I'd passed into these people's man-gendered behavioral class, you know? Men are supposed to not let people roll over them; they're allowed to be angry. But I didn't get that, either. My anger was suddenly real enough to be upsetting and frightening, but not legitimate enough to be respected. I occupied a Thing space, a sudden nothing in between, where the same person I'd always been went from being admirable and desirable to actively repulsive.

It's also a hell of a way to find out that people didn't take your anger very seriously before - all of a sudden your anger is real enough to scare people means your anger before wasn't... really real.

Someday, I'll get over that realization. Not today, though.