#if you didn’t watch OUAT for him and Lana Parilla what the fuck were you even doing LMAO

[torterragarden]

Wow I made it through the first two episodes of OUAT and I didn’t even need alcohol for it. I have some thots

Okay yeah I remember now why I got into this in the first place lmao. It’s incredibly stupid but if you can get into how stupid it is it’s pretty fun, and it has just enough genuinely good and interesting ideas to trick you into watching and so you don’t realize just how much this show actually sucks until it’s too late. 

I remember having to explain what the show was about back in the day, or even just certain things that happen in the show, and it always sounded like the wildest shit and it was and honestly it slapped. It still slaps. It’s NOT good but like. it slaps

Back in the day I would have said that 99% of what I liked about the show was just Regina and Rumpelstiltskin and yeah that’s. Well I can’t really say I like the show now lmao but if I did that would still be true, they are unequivocally the best things in the show. 

I feel like Lana Parilla and Robert Carlyle are the only ones who know what show they’re in. Like they know this is dumb as hell, but if they have to be in it then damn it they’re gonna SELL IT and they do! They’re doing the absolute Most and they are a delight to watch. When they’re in scenes with other actors it’s... a little embarrassing for the other actors, they just can’t compete. When they’re in scenes together, god it fucks. 

Regina’s first scene where she crashes Snow and Charming’s wedding and as she walks she almost looks like she’s gliding and also her outfit is fucking impeccable she’s so sexy 

Rumpel’s first scene where he comes down from the ceiling that he was apparently hanging from like a fucking bat he’s so weird I like him a normal amount

Rumpel was my favorite character in season one, and I had a thing for him because. well of course I did 🙄 I really hate how predictable I am sometimes lmao. My interest in him dwindled over time tho and by season three, around when I stopped watching, I couldn’t stand him anymore. Most of that had to with his relationship with Belle and how much I hated all that mess, but that’s for another day. But season one Rumpel was fun! He was compelling! He was an absolute bastard and we loved to hate him!

Rumpel and Regina being so much more interesting than the heroes was like, a huge problem tho. How the fuck was I not supposed to root for them when you’re pitting them against Snow White and Charming, the most boring characters in existence. Yeah I’m sorry but I thought they sucked back when I liked the show and they still do. Snow is... at least a little interesting, just very out-shined by Regina. Charming really does suck tho

I find it funny that in the first episode Snow is like “Regina tried to poison me because she thought I was prettier than her!” because they definitely had not figured out which parts of the fairy tale they were using and which parts they weren’t yet lmao. Regina’s reason for hating Snow is kind of stupid but it’s not what Snow said and they never even mention that again

Also every side character is more fun than Snow and Charming and that’s another problem. Every time we’re focusing on Snow and Charming I want to be literally anywhere else

Knowing how weird and tangled some of these relationships get later on makes this so weird to watch. How am I supposed to act normal when I know that Rumpelstiltskin is Henry’s grandfather

God Rumpelstiltskin really is Henry’s grandfather lmao I hate this show

Everyone used to say that Emma and Regina should have fallen in love and everyone was right. Well. Okay, so Regina is legitimately Evil in season one. Like, I love her, but she does really fucked up stuff to everyone including Emma so the ship is not without issue, let’s just put it that way but I mean, we got the hell ship that was Rumbelle so why draw a line now. Seriously though, their rivalry when they’re fighting for Henry was already pretty interesting and to have the two of them fall in love over time and both be Henry’s mom (they’re already both his mom but you know what I mean) would have been a really cool place to take this story! 

Emma’s developing relationship with Henry is honestly sweet

Regina is very Dramatic but like, I completely get why she’s so angry at Emma and I don’t really think she’s in the wrong to tell Emma that she has no right to Henry. Cause like, Emma doesn’t! It was a closed adoption! Henry shouldn’t even have been able to find Emma! And then Emma shows up suddenly and Henry clearly favors her and like, I get why Regina would be insecure! Emma didn’t do anything on purpose of course so I feel for her too but I don’t think Regina telling her that she doesn’t want Emma in Henry’s life is out of line. That said, she is very Dramatic and could probably like. tone down the threats and also try not to actively sabotage Emma’s relationship with Henry. Just my onion tho

this show isn’t good

[sieben9]

“last rites” impressions

{Quick request to anyone reading: I’m watching OUaT for the first time, and I want to avoid spoilers. So, if you want to discuss something spoilery, I’d be grateful if you could start a new post for that. Thank you!}

::sigh:: God, what a mess.

No, not you.

::even longer sigh::

So, uh… I didn’t like this episode. Shocking, I know. I still have things to say about it, though, so if you want to read them, please read under the cut.

…

::the Longest sigh::

Honestly, did anyone come out of that episode happier than they were before? ‘cause I certainly didn’t…

I’d hear the argument that this is the bleak moment before the triumphant finale, but this Underworld-arc seems pretty much over.

the one (and possibly only) thing i will give zelena credit for.

I mean, it seems fitting that if you go down to the Underworld, bad things will happen, just as it seems fitting that you’d escape with your life and not much more. Not exactly a happy conclusion, but a thematically appropriate one. That the Underworld follows you back home and starts messing things up in the land of the living is just a dose of good, old-fashioned “Nice Job Breaking It Hero”, and I don’t mind that, either. But now, the villain is defeated, the damsel is out of distress (meaning Hook), and the newly dead are buried.

leaving behind an orphaned four-year-old and a literal baby. damn, show, just… damn.

Oh, but Robin isn’t “just” dead (because we have now established that being dead means nothing in this world), no, he’s been obliterated from existence. And for what? What was the narrative justification for killing him off? So that his daughter could have his name? Look, the guy may not have been the most dynamic character or most interesting love interest in the world, but he sure as hell didn’t deserve that.

Poor Regina. Poor Roland. In my ideal world, this ends with Regina adopting the little hobbit, but I don’t really see that happening. (If it does happen, that’s a spoiler I wouldn’t mind hearing, actually. I need happy news after this… mess.)

Observant readers will have noticed that I never cared all that much about Outlaw Queen, but I retroactively feel bad for all the people who were really invested. That was one hell of a brutal shipwreck.

While we’re on the subject, I will have to call shenanigans on the Other Novelty Dildo (first one being that glove Rumple brought back from Camelot)

so many jokes, so little time…

Look, I don’t actually mind the magical MacGuffins that crop up all over the place. But would it kill you to introduce them slightly earlier? Like, just as a rule: if you want to use a MacGuffin to solve a problem in episode 20, you have to introduce it in episode 17 at the latest. Now, if you want to use a MacGuffin to create a problem, maybe you don’t need that much advance warning. Though even that works better at the beginning of an arc than at its end.

And magic bullet aside… I get why Zelena killing Hades had more of an emotional impact. And I get why Regina had to be involved—she’s the only one Zelena would actually do this for. Regina worked all this half-season to forge a bond with her sister, and this is where that pays off.

What I don’t get is why Emma wasn’t involved even a little. No, seriously, go back and check. All she does is lure Hades and Zelena away for about ten seconds, so that Regina and Robin can get into the office to get the then-nameless baby back. And that was in no way integral to Hades’s defeat. So, basically, the person who kicked off the events that led to Hades being a threat in the first place had no part in getting rid of him. Well-bloody-done, show. That’s how you protagonist!

So… yeah. Kind of a disappointing villain-defeat. Although I have to say that the acting in that scene was on point. I mean…

My sincere respect for everyone in front of the camera, here, and especially Lana Parilla and Rebecca Mader. They really acted their hearts out here. I mean… you can see how much she wants to just kill Regina and that nagging voice inside her that says she’s doing the wrong thing, and then you see her change her mind. And then the dialogue tells you what just happened, but you can still see each distinct emotion on her face. ::sigh:: Dear Rebecca Mader, why couldn’t you be a character I liked?

Oh, and of course Rumple has the death-dildo now. Or at least a piece of it. Are we… are we doing this “Rumple as the backup badguy” thing again? Really? Fourth time in a row? The man just wants to wake up his wife so they can make an appointment with Archie for some marriage counselling, he hasn’t got the time to be sinister!

then again, that’s less of an action and more of a lifestyle

Oh, and because I’m frustrated and needed a break… have a gif.

I’m sure there was absolutely no other way to get that thing out of the pulverised Hades-remains. None at all. (I’m also amused that they apparently left the godly dustpile just sitting there for at least a full day. Nobody decided to come over with a dustpan? Really?)

Speaking of Rumple and his current troubles…

Moe French, I will beat you to death with the spikiest cactus I can find, and I will laugh while I do it. I think between nearly killing/personality-wiping his daughter because he didn’t approve of her choice in boyfriend and leaving her in a sleep of eternal torment, because he doesn’t like her husband, this asshole bumped himself all the way up to first place on the “shitty parents” list, which is quite an accomplishment. (To be honest, all the serious contenders for first place are equally shitty, Moe is just the most recent offender, so I’m most angry at him.)

My only consolation is that Moe’s kiss would never have worked in the first place, so while his decision is still deplorable, at least it’s not an actual complication. Shame Emma had to burst in so early, though.

Which brings up another point about Emma and responsibility that I’ll saying a bit more on later, but for this scene, just a quick aside: I don’t think Rumple was exactly right—not all of this mess was Emma’s fault. That he had to go to the Underworld? Sure, that’s 100% on her, but frankly, I’m not willing to absolve Hades and assorted assholes from blame here.

So, no, this mess isn’t Emma’s fault alone. But it is her responsibility. She started this mess, she’d better end it. By the way, guess what she didn’t do? (See above for that.)

::long sigh::

OK, let’s deal with the elephant in the room, namely, the almost-literal Deus Ex Machina.

Who though this was a good idea? Seriously, even if they did write themselves into a corner, this was possibly the worst way to do it. The method was bad, the explanation was bad, and the making out next to the coffin of the man who actually helped kill Hades was the worst.

And Hook didn’t help defeat Hades! Hook didn’t do anything except give Emma the hint about the crystal, and Emma didn’t help! I know I’m harping on this, but the longer I keep pulling on that thread, the more this episode unravels. It’s morbidly fascinating, really.

I discussed the main points on the graveyard-makout-session in the liveblog-post already, but to sum up: there’s a version of this scene that both shows Emma’s and Hook’s relief to be alive and together again without appearing entirely disrespectful to Robin’s memory, but this wasn’t it. This was about as tasteless as it could get without them boinking right there next to the coffin.

(My suggestion: let them go home before they take the train to make-out-town. Bam. Problem solved. They can have a really heartfelt hug on the graveyard; honestly, I feel like a hug would have been more emotionally honest, in any case, but what do I know, right?)

This kind of soured me on Emma as a character, too. I liked her better when she had to face actual consequences and took responsibility for her fuck-ups. And no, whining about how “this is all my fault”, only to get consoled by other characters is not the same as taking responsibility. That’s wallowing in self-pity, and it’s not a very attractive quality. (It’s also a cheap trick to tell the audience “see, the good people don’t think she did anything wrong, and so should you!”)

Oh, and just to close this out…

Yeah, this guy gets to be king of the Underworld now. Grrreat. We all still remember that he was a pretty shitty king while alive, right? That’s not just me? Then again, he’s got all eternity to figure out this gig, so who knows. Maybe he won’t be terrible in a millennium or so. (He’ll still be a douche, though. The douchiness is part of his molecular makeup, there’s really nothing to be done there.)

On a somewhat lighter note: Hook, my guy, we have to talk. You were in a position to, as I like to call it, “pull a Kelsier”, i.e. punch a god in the face. The rules declare that whenever you are in a position to pull a Kelsier, you are basically obligated do so. That fact that you didn’t is… look, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.

(In an attempt not to be too obnoxious about it: Kelsier is a character from a completely different fandom who did, in fact, punch at least two gods in the face. They kind of deserved it, too, even if Kelsier really had no moral high ground to stand on.)

And, while I’m on slightly lighter things:

Cruella’s face when she saw Arthur and Hook. I was wrong: someone definitely came out of this episode happier than they were before ::eyebrow waggle::

I have honestly no idea where the last two episodes are going to go, because… there’s really not much setup. Rumple still has a comatose Belle in a box, and she’s probably not getting out of there this season (because that’s not how babies work), so… what exactly is he planning?

I mean, I’ll find out, but I’d appreciate some hints, show!