#if you read this whole mamoth post - thanks. it actually does mean a lot

[alicentsgf]

i feel like with the rise of skywalker coming out soon i just want to talk about this now, before the moment passes.

i dont know how many of my current followers were around for or are aware of that weird couple of years where rey skywalker believers and rey solo 'truthers' were pitted against each other for some strange reason? but, to recap: my rey solo theories got thousands of notes overnight. my main one got reposted on facebook half a million times. peter mayhew put it on his personal page. i made a thousand fucking dollars in commission in one month! at one point i had over twice as many followers as i had posts. i had more attention than i had ever bargained for.

but i Loved making the theories so damn much so i kept writing them. i just didn't know how to deal with the negative reaction; i played it really chill at the time - internalising that 'dont let them see you bleed' mentality.

i didnt want them to know they hurt me for a long time but i've changed my mind - now i do.

in the years between TFA and TLJ i had a seemingly small but semi-dedicated hate following who used to gather on various sites and talk shit about me like they knew me... basically just say hurtful bullshit. i guess they maybe thought i would never see it but didnt seem to care either way whether i did or not. after all, they never censored my url or anything. it encouraged hate - since they named me specifically so often their followers/friends would follow their lead and come be awful in my inbox. my own followers would link me to it, and i know they were just trying to warn me or something but honestly i didnt want to be warned, i wanted to be ignorant.

i was only 17 when TFA came out and grown adults were suddenly publically shit talking me and encouraging their followers to tell me i was delusional and stupid and to shut up.

it made me so paranoid. i was essentially a child and only 3 months out of a serious depressive episode when it all started so i wasn't really emotionally equipped to deal with it. especially not at the volume at which it came.

i got threatened. i honestly thought they might dox me. i eventually deleted all my selfies and any overtly specific personal stuff but it was so hard to be sure i got it all especially since once something gets reblogged on here its out of your hands forever. so i lived in and out of this kinda paranoid state. i was out as Bi on here and not to my family and suddenly there was this group who hated me and threatening me who knew something so intimate about me. And Then (irony) people came after me saying i was faking being the age i was bc i had nothing proving it ? that was fun. i knew i couldn't prove myself without exposing myself and that lead to the worst panic attack i had over the whole thing.

So, about my theory and where it is now, because i still get asks: It no longer exists publically and hasnt for almost 2 years. I didn't so much delete it as Let it get taken down by the news site hosting it. its still on my computer somewhere but honestly i didn't and don't want the conversation started up again properly because i know what it came with. i got asked so many times to update the theory for TLJ but the fact that TLJ allowed me and my theory to be forgotten was kinda a relief. i did a podcast called 'The Fordcast' around the time i was feeling really awful and i used to find it so embarrassing to play back because you can just Hear in my voice how broken i was discussing the topic by that point - this was in the months before TLJ came out. its awful but on some level i think at the time i was glad TLJ was shit? it gave me a good reason to take a big step back from the fandom.

the Only thing that ever made any of the hate worth it was the support i had from other fans and the discussions i had with them on this blog. i used to constantly tag how much i Loved this little community who sent me nice, interesting asks and like Shit i meant it - that was the main reason i kept on posting for a long time. so thank you. thank you so much if you were one of those people.

most of the indviduals who participated in and encouraged the hate against me are still pretty prominent on tumblr (f not in the star wars fandom anymore) and im not about to start shit. it was over two years ago. i never have and never will name names.

i know they probably dont and never have given me a second thought, but they, at least in part, ruined something i loved for me. i dont know if they'll ever see this but i wish they would because i want them to realise i wasnt some faceless unfeeling theory generator, no matter how prolific my theories were. i was an 17/18 yr old kid who was very aware of the nasty shit they were saying about me and it had a very real impact on my life.