#if you want to bitch about marvel or shitty broadway musicals then do it

[cinemaocd]

this is probably going to be long

OK, I lived through the AIDS crisis. I was a young person questioning my sexuality at arguably the worst possible time in American history. I discovered the word "bisexual" (hooray I have a label) only to read a few days later in mainstream news about how "bisexuals were responsible for spreading AIDS to the hetero community" which was a take that was tolerated on national news shows at the time. The only sex education I had in my entire public education was a film we were forced to watch about how you could get AIDS from french kissing (you can't) and heavy petting (which we didn't know what it was because it was outdated old people code for oral lol)...

The entire LGBTQIA plus community was not attacked as a monolith, the focus of hate came on gay men, because they were the most obviously effected and also the most visible and prominent in the community. The rest of the community did their best to embrace and protect them. (For example lesbian groups that were on the front lines of caring for people who were sick when no one else would...).

And there were people like myself who identified as allies but were in a place where they didn't feel safe to come out themselves. I did not come out at that time because even though I was in accepting local community at University and working at a feminist journal I knew I would lose friends and family and possibly future work opportunities. Being Bi it was easier to blend in for me and I took advantage of that. Part of the reason I hesitated so long about coming out was I felt a lot of guilt that I didn't come out in the 90s during the AIDS crisis. I felt like a coward who wasn't worthy to stand with such brave people.

It took me a long time to let go of that self-hate to the point where I could come out. A big part of it was acknowledging how fucked up the climate for LGBTQIA folks in the 80s and 90s. We had two family friends (which is how I knew I would probably be rejected by a lot of my family) who died of AIDS. Yes, these were brilliant, creative men who worked in theater. One of them was the props coordinator for Late Night with David Letterman (responsible for building Dave's velcro suit etc.). I also have a peer who died of AIDS in the early 2000s, long after the disease had supposedly been "not a death sentence" who also happened to be an actor.

Despite their lack of political involvement, they were be seen as radical just because they lived openly as gay men in a society that hated them and wanted them dead, and only tolerated them if they were the "fun gays" who weren't actually threatening the status quo...

Being in theater or the arts was a survival tactic for a lot of people ya know because it was a more accepting environment and because it wasn't considered important like politics, medicine, science etc. (Miss me with the gays can't do math jokes. A gay man invented the fucking computer).

The gay men I knew in long-term monogamous relationships survived the worst of the crisis and they automatically became "respectability queers" for having not died and wanting jobs with health insurance etc. Because one dude follows his dream of working in theater and the other quits theater and goes to work at the phone company and buys a house with his partner, one is fun and the other boring? One is a creative genius creating culture and the other is a consumer of cultural pap? Wow. Great take.

FUCK. I'm just getting so angry thinking about this. You want to know why it took me till I was FIFTY fucking years old to come out: AIDS. That's it. ONE Fucking word.

Sorry I have no idea WHY I fucking started this other than I saw a shitty post that said, our culture became boring because all the fun gays died and left only the boring gays who only care about marriage or whatever.

[sincerely-us-imagines]

Gather ‘round children, and let me tell you a tale that exposes my true idiotic nature.

So, as some of you may know, I spent all of last week with my brother (or rather, at my brother’s apartment). We were supposed to hang out and go to a concert together but he kind of blew me off and acted like i didn’t exist, and ended up making an excuse to not have to go to the concert with me (and didn’t apologize or offer to pay me back for his ticket, but that’s not what this is about).

Here’s a little backstory:

So, I had been posting on snapchat with the location filters, and i get a message from a friend i haven’t seen (or really talked to) since graduation, 2.5 years ago. Turns out she actually lived there (it’s a popular college town), and was going to the concert too and asked if i wanted to pregame (read as: get stoned, eat mexican food, and listen to tmg) and ofc i accepted. It had been a while since we’d hung out, and even in high school we weren’t that close, so it was a little awkward at first, but we both loosened up and ended up having a great time! She was bringing another friend with her and he was super sweet and very nice to me and didn’t mind me tagging along at all! We went to the concert and had an amazing time, sang as loud as we could along with the rest of the crowd, cried, and got cheap, greasy, delicious pizza afterwards. She had class and work in the morning, so the night got cut kinda short-ish. She drops me off at my brother’s apartment at around 1 a.m. and right before i get out, she mentions she’s going to a party the next night and would love if i came with her. So of course, wanting to spend more time with my friend AND go to my first real party, i agreed.

Her friend drives, and they pick me up at ~10, and i’m already a little uh,,, baked,, but only enough to be excited for the night and not panicking bc social anxiety. So we get to her friend’s (definitely haunted) house and go in. there’s probably 20-ish people there. I’m a little uncomfortable, but not anxious. I follow her around for a little while, standing in the kitchen and listening to everyone talk. It is at this point that i realize that every single person there is a political science major. And working on a campaign for a local politician. And using a lot of terms that i don’t know and talking about people i’ve never met. My friend noticed i was kind of uncomfortable and offered me a drink, which i gladly accept.

I’m halfway through my first vodka + grapefruit juice when everyone (literally every person at the party + the host’s 2 roommates, who had been in their rooms up until this point) gather on the front porch to smoke. So i’m like “hell yeah free weed”. Until they pull out a bong. It comes to me and i have to tell my friend i don’t know how to use a bong. She shows me and I? Kind of? Figure it out? A little?? I laugh and make a comment on how i’ve never used one because if i can’t hide it from my mom, i can’t have it. One roommate (who i believe was named mitch?? So we’ll just call him that) says “oh, hang on” and goes inside, returning moments later with a pipe and a dime bag, and comes to stand beside me. He smiles and whispers that he’s got better stuff than what everyone else is smoking. We pass the pipe back and forth, just the two of us, and someone brings the vodka out and i top off my drink.

So at this point i am loud, not thinking at all about what i’m saying, and pretty out of it. Everyone but me and mitch are talking about politics. Someone says something funny about local government being stupid. And i don’t know much about local government, but even i knew that the policy they were referring to was ridiculous. I *started to vocalize this, but lost my train of thought halfway through my sentence, so this is what came out of my mouth (imagine this is a little louder than someone should be talking, slightly slurred, and giggly):

“I will be the first to admit that i am a fucking idiot. An absolute dunce. Dumb bitch hours are 24/7, 365 baby!”

and then stopped, because i couldn’t remember what i was meaning to say. So really, i just announced to approximately 20 strangers that i’m fucking stupid. Which i’m pretty sure they already knew anyway. Everyone was quiet. All of these drunk and stoned college kids were completely silent, just staring at me. And i said nothing else. Eventually everyone goes back inside.

There was one guy who i was kind of?? Shamelessly flirting with the entire time? And i’m fairly sure he was flirting back but i suck at recognizing that so i’m really not sure lmao. But anyway, there’s 2 sofas, a loveseat, a big chair, and a papasan chair. Me and the guy i’m flirting with were the last ones inside so we were stuck sitting on the floor together. Someone goes to the bathroom, so he takes the opportunity to steal their seat, leaving me alone in the floor. Then mitch, who was sitting with 3 people in a 2 person seat, asked if i wanted to sit with him instead of on the ground by myself. So i squeeze between him and another guy who i didnt know, and ended up with one of my legs halfway in his lap due to the seating arrangement.

This is where i started being a real dumbass.

He was talking to me, asking questions, whatever, when his dog (who i had already met) comes into the room. We both start reaching towards him and calling him, and he ends up coming to me. I laugh and kind of gloat, leaning down and talking to the dog but looking at him and said “what a sweet baby! You like me more, don’t you? Daddy doesn’t treat you right, huh? Daddy doesn’t know how to treat this baby!” and i’m completely kidding, not really realizing that i looked this guy in the eye and referred to him as “daddy” while leaning over his lap. So there’s my first mistake with this guy.

Second mistake (which was potentially very dangerous. I seriously could’ve gotten hurt and you guys need to NOT be like me) was when i finished my drink and was playing with my empty cup. He offers to get me a refill and i agree. He asks me what i want and i say “anything but beer. That shit is nasty.” and I let this guy who i had just met that night leave the room with my cup and fill it up with whatever. After i got home and sobered up i realized how badly the night could’ve gone because i was too inebriated to think of what could happen, which was really scary.

Luckily, though, mitch wasn’t a shitty person, and comes back with a screwdriver. He sits back down and hands me the cup. I’m not coordinated at all, so i grab the cup with both hands, and overlap my hands with his. I notice that he’s got, like, piano player fingers. So i position myself back how i was (kind of almost sort of in his lap), take my drink, and grab his hand and say, while giggling, “wow, your fingers are sooo long! oh my god!” and marveling over them (mistake #3). I did NOT realize at the time how this sounded at the time and i literally cringe thinking back on it. He kind of smiled at me and said “yeah, i’ve gotten that before. I’m pretty good with them, too.” I didn’t understand what he meant so i just laughed and took a big gulp from my drink, which was a LOT stronger than it was the first time. Like, legit probably half and half. But i swallow it without even really making a face because: a) i’m too blitzed to care and b) i’m not a pussy anyway lmao

And he looks legitimately impressed and says “wow, you swallowed that without even gagging” and i’m!!! Fucking stupid!!! And thought he was literally just talking about liquor!! So i say “yeah i’m pretty good at that” in a very smug manner bc!! like i’m kind of a lightweight (mostly bc i don’t eat that much so i usually drink on an empty or almost empty stomach) but i have never thrown up from drinking and i can down it with a mostly straight face. I know now that my attitude, the way i’m sitting, and p much everything i’ve said to him so far sounds really suggestive. So that’s the fourth mistake.

We sit there a little while longer and i finish my drink and have half of another and talk about all kinds of things. He asks what i’m interested in and i say mostly broadway musicals and video games, but a few other things too. He nods along while i talk and i say-- with literally NO other implications other than what i actually said- “I bet you’re really good at video games. You know, because of your fingers. Like, you can probably hit all the right buttons without even having to think twice about it.” which, totally sober, i realize doesn’t actually make any sense, and sounded like a really nerdy euphemism, but it made sense in the moment.

So he says “yeah, i like to think i am. I’ve got a console in my bedroom if you wanna play with me?” and he’s kind of leaned in mumbling this in my ear and that makes perfect sense to me because it’s loud and of course it would make it easier for me to hear!!! now, I am well aware that i am fucked up and poorly coordinated and i know that i wouldn’t be able to play video games very well and i’d end up making an ass out of myself and possibly falling asleep in his bed and i didn’t really want to do either of those things. So i tell him that i’m too drunk for that and probably wouldn’t be very good at the moment.

He told me he understood and that it wasn’t a problem and he’s fine just hanging out with me out here. And drunk me was like wow!! That is so nice!! This guy is now my best friend!! So i lean over on his shoulder and just talk the rest of the night.

At like 2 am he tells me he has to be at work in the morning and that he should go to bed, but that the next time i’m in town i should hit him up and we could hang out and play video games. So i give him a HUGE hug bc drunk me is v affectionate and thanked him for hanging out with me and that i would love to see him again

I literally didn’t realize how ANY of this sounded until i got home at like 3:30 and called my boyfriend to tell him everything lmao