#ik i need to think abt this w a calm mind but i rlly just cant right now

[pee-boner-clenching]

wargh surgery and life musings and mental health thingy

it feels like anticipating a Birth, like that rebirth if the self, like how much this surgery Will Literally be a signature, near final stage of my psyche calming down and the world not being So Hard All The Time. Like personally my transition has like no 'end', i am a constant, but shit dog this is such a massive step to let this chapter close. but im still so nervous(not right emotion but best to word) abt having this surgery done that it has such a doom-shaking-earth-shattering feeling, serious fomo, like. No i do Not Regret m steps or taking them or regret getting this done, it is just like. Scary feeling how clear my mind gets when im not out of it or in pain All of the time like i usually am, and I want it to Stop. So its amazing for sooner rather than later, but I cannot even find comofrt in my top surgery coming as ive told others "i will Not feel Good until im waking up" bc i have no trust, and I am So scared of this not going through. even w affirmations of medical staff and even w them understanding theyre like. hey thats not healthy and ur noided self is just getting more noided and im like ik!! i promise ik im trying but im so scared and know if this Doesnt go through im going to have Another earth shattering breakdown and I do not think thatll be a depressive swing ill be able to get out of. I am pregnant with myself and I dont want to be, and I am at the mercyof this skin of my cocoon bursting which is out of my control. I am in control until I am Not, and I do not like being not in control of myself. idk. its overwhelming feeling so Good and True and it Freaks me out, then i have a freak out, disassociate, melt and loathe and melt and yearn and freak, then collapse, then back again, and most times without the Good at the end of that tunnel. ive also never been flat even w any type of binding method so idk what i look like flat!!! which is scary to think of the outcome of, like i rlly dont know what i look like under there. I am not scared of the Self, it is just such an Unknown and in my loneliness I do not know what to turn or where to go or what. doesnt help im e/f cup (thot i was dd that was debunked massive l for me) so it is Constant pain, constant Showing, and for Me i am Not a fan of it. I love all of me I just want it to be not so painful to live All of the time. i cup my cheeks and stroke with callused thumbs. i need a bear hug as strong as my own to encapsulate me like a second skin. woof.

[princessobituary]

had a conversation w this guy that I kinda like last night, we just vented to each other and he’s really sweet and you can tell he’s a genuine person. I vented to him abt my ed and how it’s just been getting worse. he gave me some good advice, I mean for someone that doesn’t rlly get it fully. But i think the fact that I knew he had a gf weighed heavy in my mind. I know it’s wrong liking a guy that is taken. I’ve just never met anyone this genuine. he’s calm and comforting,, idek how to explain it. he’s feminine but also masculine, he isn’t afraid to be himself, and he just seems like such a good person. but ik i’m never gonna be able to be with him,, I know that. yet why do I find myself trying to starve more for him? I only met him recently, and i’m scared this is just a small crush, someone im infatuated with for a bit, and then we drift off and never speak again. I feel like im the rope in a game of tug-of-war, weighing all my options and getting pulled in so many directions. apart of me wants to get better, he seemed so sad when he was talking to me about not eating. another part of me wants to be good enough for him, wants to wow him w my looks and skinniness. but then what if he thinks I look disgusting when I starve myself, what if he doesn’t like skinny girls. but what if he does. or what if he is never going to look at somebody that way (especially me) BC HE HAS A GF!! I know this is bad, everything about me is. I don’t know how to fix it. I can never be truly honest with people, too caught up in my little white lies to tell them what’s really going on. If I told anyone they would send me away again. I can’t do that again.. I don’t know what to do and i’m spiraling. when will this stop, when can I catch a break. when can I just get a decent guy who loves me..

ugh I need help.

[kimjoongs-main]

hongjoong come pick me up pls

[skincafe]

the signs as skincare

i like astrology and skincare so here we go

this is also just my opinion :)

aries- face masks

aries being the first sign is all about establishing their own identity and purpose. masks tend to have a focus on a specific purpose or skin issue, such as hydration or unclogging pores

they will have active ingredients selected and tailored to their purpose and active ingredients can be found in higher concentration which means they are meant to have a significant impact, def cardinal energy

debating btw aries and libra but aries is a more personal sign while libra is an air sign, more outward

taurus- moisturizer

at first moisturizer was giving me water sign probably bc of the name but it was also giving me fixed sign energy bc its a rlly foundational step of the routine that can be built upon

but fixed and water is scorpio and that did not make sense

but taurus makes sense bc moisturizer locks in all the other beneficial ingredients and steps in the routine and allows the skin to take them in

it also feels nice and soothing to apply

taurus being venusian and fixed is here for locking in actives, the benefits, the feel, and the dewy glow

gemini- retinol

ik every derm and skincare person has preached abt retinol and its wide range of benfits

also retinol is only one type of vitamin a derivative but i used it as an all-encompassing term here bc most ppl know it as retinol

bc of the various benefits, aging, acne, pigmentation, brightness etc. def a mutable sign very adaptable

also definitely a mercurial sign since it is one of the most well-researched ingredients and clinically approved

i was debating btw virgo and gemini, but i went with gemini for their air sign qualities, able to set their mind to various endeavors at once whereas virgo would focus on a single goal

cancer- spf

cancer is very protective and so is sunscreen, it is crucial to protect against skin damage from the sun, aging, and skin conditions

cancer is sometimes referred to as the mother of the zodiac (in reference to archetype), it is a necessary step to allow all the other ingredients to have a lasting effect

cancer is also the cardinal sign in western astrology that begins the summer szn

you should wear sunscreen yr round tho

just as uv filters can help absorb uv rays into the skin without damage, cancer is empathetic and can absorb the emotions around them

leo- toner and essence

originally this gave me water sign energy and ik leo would want to be a spotlight skincare step BUT here’s my reasoning

leos actually enjoy helping and protecting others, think the “king of the zodiac” archetype, but more of a benevolent ruler. they enjoy seeing their friends prosper with their help. they’re also a fixed sign

fixed signs do not like change, they prefer consistency and toners were originally created to re-balance the ph level of the skin (back when cleansers were too harsh). nowadays different toners do a lot to balance out the skin: manage oil production, hydration levels, calm irritation, etc.

essences allow for products to absorb better into the skin and work better.

leos are also very creative and toners and essences tend to have many new and interesting ingredients in them, unlike spf or moisturizers which have multiple trusted and reliable ingredients and less experimental ones.

virgo- salicylic acid & benzoyl peroxide

salicylic acid is a BHA which is an exfoliant too but this is more in an acne fighting sense, exfoliation is lower

these are both two very common but very effective acne fighting ingredients

similar to gemini, virgo is mercurial and would appreciate that both these products are well researched and clinically approved i had a prescription w benzoyl peroxide before

also have many great uses and can work with different skin types and different types of acne

libra- spot treatment

spot treatments are fast-acting, filled with active ingredients usually at higher concentrations than all-over-the-face products, usually work quickly and effectively

definitely cardinal energy since w/ a good spot treatment we see the results quick, and expect that change

i was thinking libra or aries, but libra is more about relationships and communication with others/ the outside world. it is also venusian so more about aesthetics than aries

the skin is one of the outermost parts of our body and the outermost organ, so naturally it will communicate more. whether you are blushing bc you are happy, or look tired, or pale bc you dont feel well etc.

scorpio- exfoliation

all about intimacy, finding what is hidden, transformation, and deeper meaning

exfoliation is all about removing the dead skin, and (if its an intense professional chemical peel it will remove a whole layer of skin), and seeing the healthier skin underneath, very transformative, very scorpio

can also be a bit intense depending on the strength of the product

sagittarius- serums

serums are definitely a mutable sign, the most adaptable and people often change them for different needs, i think you are more likely to buy an anti-aging serum to add to a routine or an anti-redness serum or a vitacin c serum, than you are to buy a whole new moisturizer with each active

constantly exploring new and interesting ingredients in serums, provide a lot of variety

sag does not like to be tied down and is always exploring new philosophies

capricorn- facials

while chemical peels and the laser treatments fall under this category, this is less specific, just the overall variety professional facials

capricorn is a very trusted and reliable sign and very wise and pragmatic. they are also a cardinal sign making them ambitious

with professional facials, you are going to get very effective, reliable treatment based on expertise just like a cap

and you expect to see a significant change, reflecting the cardinal qualities.

professionals would alter the facial to meet your needs making it very practical and no nonsense as well.

aquarius- laser and led treatments

aquarius is very innovative and seeks new technology to better the world around them

in more recent years, a lot of new technology is being introduced into the realm of skincare, which all screams aquarius to me but i put laser and led treatments bc they are pretty well known

i feel like new technology could give cardinal sign energy but i think fixed energy makes sense. it indicates a time of focus imo. there is less influence from a changing environment

pisces- cleansing

cleansing has mutable energy to me, i think of taking the entire day’s worth of makeup and dirt and oil off

mutable signs indicate the changing of the seasons, and pisces is the end of winter, like the end of day

pisces is very reflective and being the final zodiac sign they can look towards all the past experiences and bring the cycle to an end.

[yamagucji]

a series of thank you’s i’ve been meaning to give for a while now. please note i couldn’t get everyone bc im smol brained and im forgetful :(( also its vedy long so i added a readmore link but if it’s okay then i can remove it!

i would’ve preferred to go to your inboxes/dm’s but im scared t🤢umblrs going to glitch on me if i do it again a ha ha

@doublemoons

i remember you sent in my first ever request and i was SO happy like🥺 my account had no visibility on week 1 but then you somehow found my blog and since then you’ve been supporting me. i love the aesthetic of your blog and i always look forward to your rb’s because they so cute and insightful !! ik we haven’t talked much but i definitely perceive u as a gentle person here’s 1k hearts for you and you only <3

@insanityqueen

please i was *intense squealing* and *happy noises* when you said you wanted to be mutuals :’) im definitely uhhh way too immature for u but you still stick with all the caps and !!! i send you😭 you’re such an interesting, talented person. day 1 you got me HOOKED with your art and im gonna say this again,, i have never seen skin look soo s o f t painted. im really grateful for your company and all your cats and the hinata art you made me🥺 i am not still thirsting over it i swear and then you sent me pieces of your writing and i def expected hc’s but then BOOM🧍‍♀️ im so amazed by your writing. also you are vv pretty i hope you know that

@zephyrria

matching heart memes matching heart memes😾 i don’t talk to you as much but our main form of communication is literally exchanging heart memes w/o a word,,, if that isn’t true love idk what is :// anyway i love our little convos so much it always brightens my day! and omg lets not forget when you made me a drabble back😳 like wha- HUH !! i was so touched i rlly went boom boom woosh bc no ones ever written me one back and i!! that yamaguchi gives me so much comfort. you give me sm comfort, thank you bub <3

@beanst0ck

hehe my first tumblr crush😼 as soon as i deactivated my reading account to my a writing blog i was like “ok bean is on my top to-follow list” like i thought you were so cool and i was vv shy to interact with you🥺 and YOU STILL ARE COOL!! your works are really amazing and i am vv much still in love w my matchup w suga :’)

@killuababie

HHHH GRR BORK BORK I LUB U B NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BHH💓✨ bro,,,, when we switched over to insta it was WILD like— our sense of humor? matched. immaculate. please i love seeing all the memes u send me it makes my day so much like u don’t understand😭 and our convos really go chaos sometimes gkfjdj i love it. u need to pull up and play among us w me sometime 😡

@bewwybun

m-my first spouse🥺 even tho it was a joke the first time and i said sike fkdjdjdj but you still accepted my dino chimken nuggie ring hehe <3 bub your are literally the CUTEST HHHHH LIKE,,, cuteness overload !!! i love talking to you sm and our little exchange of heart memes make the butterflies in my tummy go ✨

@mei-writes

may🥺 imy bub i hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. still very grateful for that time you pulled through to check which of my links weren’t working. and there’s a LOT. like the fact that you took time out of your day for me still baffles me. anyway im lomve you ik we don’t talk as much but you’re still a valued moot to me. im offering u free headpats hehe

@kozsma

hi maria👉👈 you’re so wonderful and rlly amazing w your smaus. absolutely smitten over our chaotic conversations fkfjd we haven’t talked in a while but if you see this just know that i’m here for you <3 take some self care okay? hope you’re doing good bub

@tsukkeisimp

dalia, you wondering being💞 please what did i do to deserve your love >;( we don’t talk much but we have exchanged heart memes before and you’re always out here supporting me whenever you can and like!! tysm bub. i hope you’re feeling better from the last time we interacted, and please do take good care of yourself!

@satorispup

can’t believe you made a reputation of having a piss kink. what power. what energy >>> anyway it’s fun seeing your chaotic energy on my feed/tl. sometimes i won’t even look at the user and say yeah💔 that’s hero alright gkfjdj also you’re so cute what the heck😡😡

@tobiokvgs

[ insert 100 hearts ] this for u bub. im still going crazy over your tsukki lipbalm piece like i was so FLUSTERED you really did that huh😭 you’re so nice and sweet, ty for giving me headbonks as well im really glad to get them😌 hope you have an amazing day bub, and take care!!

@bunnyuuji

cutecutecutest bean ever🥺 you have such wonderful works and im truly in love with your writing😌 also you’re so SWEET WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE U GKFJDJ literally you weren’t obligated to stop by my ask and check in but u did >:(

@yanderepunkin

hehe ik we haven’t interacted in such a long time but im including you!! bc i appreciate you!! i know you’ve supported me a lot especially when i just started this blog and im really thankful for it. also uhhh im still not over accidentally turning off anon when i was- yeah😿 i wish you all the love in the world, and please do take gentle care of yourself 💓

@ahkaahshi

frannn👁👁🤲 yes im gonna start with how big brained you are. your passion for textiles and improving the environment is vv cool to me. and then there’s the fact you write these hq characters so well. yes i am absolutely still living for your character analysis. i am thriving off of them!! here’s me manifesting kita and/or sakusa to show up in your dreams hehe

@sachirou-senpai

i hope you dont mind me sending u stuff every now and then! anyway im in awe of your writing and art skills. you brought a realistic yamaguchi and i ascended😳 i genuinely think you’re such a cool person but also please take breaks!! ik it’s such an overused phrase but i genuinely mean it. i care u <3

@kenmakodzu

you’re so sweet and you do really be sending me back some heart memes😳 i go BOOM BOOM yaya that’s more to my collection;) also you and your hq anon interactions go WILD omg it really does make my day more interesting whenever i see them😂 also i do be seeing some of ur chaotic energy on my dash and i am HERE for it

@tsukkisbean

hemlo clara🥺 d-do you remember me gkdjshsjs i think its been a while since we interacted. you’re so sweet and AHH lmao did u know we were in a poly with wiss😔💔 yeah❤️ n e way i hope you’ve been alright these past few weeks, and if not, please get some break!

@atsunflower

miya twin supremacy😡 can’t believe you made me swerve over to osamu’s lane because of your amazing writing. how could you. the mf audacity. i rlly do fell in love with that piece do so THAMK U and that also goes for the support you’ve given me💗

@lespaghetti

ozzy👁👁🤝 ngl our conversations have been top tier im glad i got to uhmm,,, get some of these *thoughts* out of my head. you’re such a sweet little bean!!! that art/sketch you did with the purple (?) themed uniforms was really cute. im glad to have u as my moot and *cough* my vip reader *cough*

@sleepykarabou

our heart meme streak was strong until school happened😔 but i really enjoy them tho!! it’s very calming talking to you (fun, but also vv calming idk that’s how i feel) loving the brainrots we give each other of our favs from time to time :’) also omg OSRRY im barely active in the server please spare me😿 im lomve u

@nerdybreadcollaborative

gee!! AHHHH KGFJJD GRRR u sweet bean oh my goodness. where do i start- ??? i’ve already gushed so much abt your writing but here we go again; i love your writing so much and your attention to the little details is so great. they flow so well and i hope u get more visibility bc it’s what u deserve!! also please take care of yourself and don’t work too much u nerdy bean

@nishinoya-is-baby

ely my plant kinnie, my spouse (?) and also the blog that i dump my h word thots on😭❤️ ahhh im lomve you, you’re amazing. from your writing, to your makeup skills, and your room, the talent really ✨jumped out✨thank you for supporting me so much, i genuinely appreciate it. i hope we can stay moots despite me being busy gkfjdj anyway take care bbie don’t work too much okay?

@art0saurus

TATE😤 the amount of hq brainrot you’ve fed me is astronomical. idk how you keep coming up with such good ideas but im all for them!! i love your writing so much and the plots are so *chefs kiss* (yes im still gushing over mermaid!bokuto). thank you so much for sending some bits of positivity into my life, im really grateful for it :’)

@dorkyhaikyu

EL!😼 you sweet bean. wish i could bombard ur asks but school is saying no </3 you’re such a sweet mutual and your writing is absolutely amazing. still kinda hurt over that angst u made💔 but anyway i loved it sm. also please wear safer shoes next time on big events so u dont get any more BLISTERS kgjdjdh jkjk

@chickenwingspiker

nashnashnash🥺👉👈 wth you’re so cute and even cuter with the little emoticons u put in my asks. i really appreciate you taking time out of your day to check in on me. i think your works are really heckin cool, im still very into that sock agenda one and the akaashi fic AHH i love them sm. i hope that u have better experiences with online learning and i really wish you all the best on ur art journey <3

@miyastrology

did u forget abt our walk to the strawberry field😿 jkjk heyyy atlas!! im lomve your theme and your writing. i have the urge to say you’re as sweet as strawberry bc im unoriginal like that💔 let’s just pretend i put something kute :’( n e way u are vv cute, make sure to take care of yourself ok!!

@derpeedoo

your rb’s and comments on ppl works... i just... my heart is full. im complete. i go absolute doki doki for you. you’re such a genuine person and you give people so much love❤️ here’s an unlimited supply of my love to you bc you deserve it. ty for all the cute questions btw🥺

🕊 anon - still wondering if ur one of my already-moots or not😳 but anyway dove anon i have a lot to say,,, like how ?? do u go “ok let’s check in on aaron today hehe” like am i interesting??😭 i feel kinda bad ngl you really don’t have to talk to me. but nevertheless im really appreciate of all the support you’ve given me. i genuinely think you’re a cool person and you do all these fun stuff like photography which is amazing. here’s the biggest THANK YOU i could ever give <3 ps. your art is CUTE and AMAZING @bee-kins

@simping-for-tendou

do i??? spam your feed??😭 you’re always liking my posts and i feel so sorry for spamming but also vv appreciate of all the interaction i’ve had with you!! im very glad i got to ask you qotd and stuff because i got to know that you like plants as well!! thank you for sharing plant facts with me, it really made my day. i genuinely think you’re such an awesome and big brained person for knowing all those facts🥺👉👈

@wissaaltje

ngl i was very intimated by you bc of all your angst and really good works which is probably why i never reached out to you sooner😿 ur my uhhh third spouse <3 but anyway your CHAOTIC ENERGY is thru the roof i love that sm and your writing is so mf beautiful i wish more people got to see it😡 i will gib you flower soup and muddy pie to make you feel better ;) jkjk but you’re very amazing and i hope you know that!

@smolbludandelions

hehe you’re in here😼 thank you ???? for supporting me even tho you’re not obligated??? like wh- i- bub🥺🤲 you have all my heart and i rlly rlyy want to stop by your inbox and give you heart memes but me why >;( i hope you have the most amazing day(s) of your life because you deserve it SO much.

@tadashi-simp

FINALLY someone i can simp over yamaguchi with😭 ik we haven’t talked much but AH i love the conversations we’ve had so far and all that insight you gave me about the new wanda film (truly a blessing bc i was so genuinely confused gkfjdj).

@oikaw-ugh

just. JOLLIBEE. can’t believe one of our first interactions was u sending me chain mail smfh i cannot believe you😭 anyway po i appreciate you so much na kaka tawa ako sa mga msgs mo and all the good vibes u radiate. mag bisaya unta ko nimi pero baka mag nosebleed ako😿 im losing my native languages it’s not even funny anymore but when i got to talk to u in my mother tongue, i felt a bit more at home. thank you bub <3

@makemealive

hihi👉👈 idrk what we first talked about, i think it was spending vacation in the galapagos islands??😭 riding turtles??? what a great way to start our friendship :’) i rlly think you’re cool and i just,,,, admire u from afar- yeah. sorry this message is too chaotic but anyway u might not have a green thumb but look at you growing potatoes accidentally😌 anyway i think you’re cool i just haven’t said it before because im s Hy

@lostsealscreams

seal, bub, i genuinely care about you. you’re such a sweet person. i know we haven’t interacted much but im looking forward to more conversations with you!! please find little fun things to do... maybe do some self appropriation if you can, bc you deserve it. maybe even treat yourself... or any self care tasks that make you feel better. i care about you a lot, im just an ask/dm away if you wanna talk about anything at all💕💞✨

@hqgardenia - jkjk this is my spam account idk why i put this here but here probably bc im dumb as fuck