#ik people have giffed this but I had to as well. for my health and sanity

[leosgreyfringe]

LEANDRO TROSSARD for TNT Sports

[tennisarchives]

warning for a clearly anxiety-ridden oversharing freakout below the cut. sorry. i’m too sensitive and i’m unfortunately acutely aware of it.

tldr; im being a drama queen. gonna take a tumblr break for a week or two. to my mutuals, feel free to dm for my insta. i’ll be active until i wake up tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna zip

gonna preface this by saying this is in no way directed to the people whom i actually talk to constantly on here like you lot were lovely and im just dealing with a lot of demons in my head :(

anyway. sometimes i feel more like a product manufacturer than a person on here. and idk. i know most of you guys are really just following me for gifs and content and whatever but. yeah. idk. i guess the things i say don’t matter to anyone unless it’s funny. or if people want to call me out. not that im mad abt that exactly btw i do appreciate when people respectfully call me out for my own mistakes but. sometimes. i feel like im in a fishbowl and you’re all just waiting for me to say something wrong and cancel me. or then again, maybe most of you already think im a shit person and you just stay for the gifs. or maybe you guys think i’m a loser who has nothing to do but spend all day on this goddamn website.

and i know, somewhere inside me, that that’s not true and that it’s clearly the anxiety talking. maybe it’s just me maybe i’m making this up in my head i dunno. but i’m just kinda tired right now. too tired to battle the anxiety like usual at least. and i don’t really feel wanted outside of the content i produce, beyond the notes of my gifs or my fun posts. which ik shouldn’t matter but. i’m a pathological people pleaser etc etc.

(god, seeing this all typed out, i can’t even fucking blame you guys if you actly don’t like me cause. i kinda wanna shake myself by the shoulders and tell myself get a grip girl the world doesn’t revolve around you shut up shut up shut your damn mouth—)

i’ve been trying to manage by unfollowing and blocking a few people (which btw, if i did that to you and we used to be mutuals, it’s probably nothing personal i mostly just kept people i’m a bit closer to). but i’m still not really settled. and considering how i’m posting like every other day about feeling like shit, you guys probably figured that out lmao.

and well. on a separate note. seeing that rat’s name alone is too much for me sometimes. i couldn’t watch his game with carlos. i spent hours in his match with daniil turned away from the television, wearing noise canceling headphones while trying (and failing) to talk myself down from a full blown anxiety attack. i’ve said this before but the way people talk about him, both the fucked up silence and the justified outrage, it reminds me way too much about a family problem i have right now. hits uncomfortably close to home. prior to this i kinda thought i’d made my peace with the whole family situation but no apparently not. had he won the semis, i wasn’t even sure if i would be able to stomach cheering for jannik if it meant having to watch that man play.

so. idk. between the way actual tennis has been making me feel and the way tennisblr in general has seemed for me lately, i figure i need some space.

long story short ive been spending way too much time on tumblr this ao. and its gotten really bad for my mental health i guess. so i think i need to take maybe a week or two, to clear my head. watch tennis without opening this app every other point. spend time with people i love. get back to therapy. try to be a functioning adult.

(this is so fucking dramatic for a goddamn week of no tumblr i know that and i want to smack myself upside the head because why am i like this why do i make things snowball why why why—)

anyway. yeah. that’s it. if you actually read through all of that then. thanks. if not it’s okay too.

to my mutuals, the ones whom i’ve had at least some form of friendly interaction with in replies or dms, you can ask for my insta account btw. not that i’m crazy active on there but like. if you guys wanna be friends beyond the anonymity of this yknow. no pressure though.

[kae-karo]

things i’m grateful for

okay preface: i hate the reason thanksgiving was invented ofc but i do love the concept of taking a day to sit back and remind myself of the things in my life that i’m grateful for so here we go (and pls i encourage y’all to take some time and do the same) anyway feel free to read below the cut if y’all want way too much insight into my personal life lmao

my friends

without question, my experience both in the phandom and like in life in general has so massively improved thanks to these lovely people and i can’t say i’d be as happy a person as i am without them

of course my incredible gcs (jolly best friends and dickmates, “moderate sex references”, we have goldfish memories, katashen, and the gc that always changes names lmao) and the lovelies in them @thereisnobearonthisisland @philsroots @uselessphillie @daliensgrandads @severaltortillascollector @dnptrqsh @dip-and-pip-trash @transhowell @dreamdilddy @hey-itskxt @dreamdilddy @freckliephil @philsdrill @phloridas @lovestillaround @legdabs @amczingphil @phantasieslide @maanjha @manialester @sleeplessnightwithphan @phandumb @imnotinclinedtomaturity @auroraphilealis @ineverywordisay @glitterydanandphil @kerasines @workinprogress91 @merridewhoo @natigail @swissfuckingcheesegdi @phastelpink​ @stick-it-to-the-phan @phanarchy

my dearest friends irl with whom i never spend enough time and often bail on bc i’m tired of existing around people, but who never fail to be lovely and kind and wonderful friends anyway. i’ve known them for eight years now and i am so lucky to have found them and to still be friends with them

a very good friend of mine who taught me everything i know about customer service and just being a diligent person (she’s also literally the reason i link everything so uhh thank her lmao) who i consider my lesbian big sister and who i’ve been so so lucky to get to reconnect with and will get the opportunity to work with starting in december and who even remembered one of my fave bands like after literally two years when i only mentioned them one time i love her

my family

whomst thank fuck are not on this hellsite but i love them all dearly

my sister who’s like still figuring her life out and doing a way better job of deciding what she enjoys doing than i ever did and like she’s younger than me but it’s a constant lesson that hey look it’s good to be true to yourself and do what you want. and i’m so grateful that we don’t fight the way we used to, that we’re like partners in crime and that she actually likes spending time with me and thank god she’s not gonna see this bc she thinks i get too sappy sometimes but i gotta make up for hiding her glasses when we were younger and literally forgetting about them for two weeks okay <3

my parents who have always been steadfast supporters even when they don’t love my choices. without them, i wouldn’t be where i am today, i wouldn’t have the level of independence i do today, and honestly i wouldn’t have learned to find the strength to follow my own path. i also can’t thank them enough for supporting even when they don’t understand, like they literally do not understand dnp but my dad found out they were doing ii and asked if i would want tickets for christmas and my mom always asks about my writing

my grandma who, bless her soul, has been completely alone without my grandpa for two years now, after having been with him since she was sixteen, who reminded me (unintentionally) that people who are suffering from mental health issues (she’s had depression for years now) can so greatly benefit from having someone reach out. i’m grateful for our weekly calls where we just catch up, because sometimes i go for a year without seeing her in person (usually just for the holidays) and it’s good to know how things are going with her. i’m also eternally grateful to her for reminding me that people are just people. my parents often talk about her as if she’s some one-dimensional character who only has a handful of (negative) personality traits, and it’s nice to get to know her on my own

the rest of my extended family, who, although i’m not nearly as close to, are still always fun to see during the holidays, and i’m immensely grateful that i don’t have the kind of family that i dread seeing. there’s always entertainment, overflowing alcohol (not that i partake, but everyone else has a fuckin blast with it), and laughter and although i occasionally feel a bit outside the circle (lots of cousins getting married/in relationships/etc and uhhh can’t relate lmao) i never fail to look forward to seeing everyone

y’all

yeah ik it’s cheesy but i do really appreciate y’all so much? like. i just read this note i made to myself abt something unrelated a year ago but i’d offhand mentioned that i was so so thrilled to have almost a hundred people following me. like it just blew my mind that so many people were interested in what i had to say, in my writing at the time, etc. and now,,,,,i mean. jfc i can’t even begin to fathom what i must’ve done to deserve all of y’all, and to deserve you all being so kind. like since the minute i joined tumblr i saw/heard horror stories of mean anons, of people being rude for the sake of it, etc etc. and like. of the literal thousands of asks i’ve gotten, i can count on one hand the number of even vaguely unkind ones. it just makes me so immensely happy to know that such lovely, kind people want to participate in this blog. so please know that i appreciate the existence of every single one of you not just uwu bc u follow me and that’s what i’m supposed to say or w.e but bc you’re out here making a positive impact on the world and on me, and you’re the kind of lovely person that i’m so glad i have the pleasure of existing alongside

dnp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ u knew it was coming, but honestly i am grateful to them as people

they set such fantastic examples for how to be good humans, constantly donating their time to good causes, reminding us to take care of ourselves, and doing their best to figure themselves out which yes is so incredibly important bc it’s this amazing example of how people aren’t any perfect shiny version of themselves, they’re real and raw and imperfect and that’s why we love them???? and by extension, that teaches us self love and love for others

that’s another thing i really didn’t realize at first - how much self-hatred i was harboring, how much internalized homophobia (toward myself! never others) and how much i just accepted about the world (heteronormativity, misogyny, the lack of diversity in media, the list goes on) and a lot of things said by both dnp and by the phandom have helped open my eyes to things like that. and dnp helped me realize that being ace isn’t a bad thing??? which was such a horrible thing i’d held onto for years and years

so i’m so grateful to dnp for existing, for being who they are and how they are and for encouraging the wonderful kindness and acceptance that they want to see in the world

my therapist

and to daniel and depression for convincing me to see one. i’ve let go of a lot of the baggage i was holding onto over the time i’ve been seeing my therapist and i’m grateful to her for, well, doing her job. and for doing it well, and for asking the questions that i didn’t think to ask, to get at things i didn’t think about before. and for reminding me (not directly, but by virtue of her existence) that honesty is one of the most important things to me

my job

or just generally the jobs i’ve had over the years that force me to interact with people, because it’s taught me that nobody’s ever angry or upset for no reason, and that people who are angry or upset and mean are not mean because they’re actually trying to be vicious but because they’re suffering in some way. so it’s a daily reminder to treat everyone with kindness and not take things personally, because ultimately most people are not intentionally vicious people. and i’m grateful to my job for reminding me how meaningful it is to me to help others

#privilegecheck

i think it’s important at this point that i stop and remind myself that i was born with a lot of privilege that makes my life immensely easy compared to others. i’m grateful for my upbringing and the ways that i’ve benefited from my privilege, but i need to acknowledge that i have benefited. not everyone is as lucky, and i need to be mindful of that in the things i do and say, and in the actions i choose to take, and - when i can - i should be using my privilege to help others

and finally, my greatest of thanks goes out to the fic writers, the gif makers, the edit makers, the phan artists, and all the other lovely people who make this community so wonderful

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“Son of a BiSCuiT. “ - Episode 5

You know what I just fucking love. Being on a  tribe with none of my allies in the game. That's so ideal to me. Like it makes me feel amazing knowing that if this stupid twist of individual immunity continues, I got screwed by a fucking tribe swap. I literally want to FUCKING DIE. 

Good golly, Miss Molly! So much has happened today, where do I even begin? After immunity...the messages about strategy were surprisingly empty. I spent the whole day talking about trips to Chicago and American passports and, girl...I don't even CARE. I think the biggest thing I learned about this tribal is that...I don't really think anyone really knows what's going on. I think everyone is waiting for someone else to make the first move and I'm guilty of that to. I think this taught me a very valuable lesson: it's not about subtlety. It's about being direct. I think I can pull off still being direct while being open...girl, I HAVE to. I believe the demise of Darian occurred because, from what I gathered, he wasn't...flexible enough? But that brings us to another thing. Those hookers sending their confessionals are TOO MUCH! They're mouths move a mile per MINUTE!!! I didn't know a THING about why Darian was the vote but those confessionals taught my everything I needed to know. The first thing is that Darian was leading something and was overthrown. The second is that the girls are together. ...I'm not feeling that one, Maury. Girls working together is not good, mainly because I'm not in that. At this point, I feel like I'm just barely bobbing above the water and that I'm doing the bare minimum to not be considered for a vote. I've really got to be more careful about what I do in this competition. Especially after this particular vote...looking back on the past, between Darian and Sam, it would have been better for my game for Sam to have left. Like I said earlier, I really don't have good vibes from the original Tasi tribe. I...kinda want them all to bite the bullet now that Shea's gone, I'm not even sure if Lily's the most reliable ally anymore. My trust is shifting so much from person to person from that tribe. In an odd turn of events, my closest Tasi ally is Seamus. SEAMUS. Girl...that's a twist of fate if I ever saw one. But regardless, it's an empty victory with Darian leaving. Did I vote in majority? Yes. Do I like that Sam is still here? ...No. *sigh* Whatever. Tribe switch happens. Literally...oh my gosh. I'm literally with all the people that I talked the LEAST WITH. Seamus, Gabriel, Rhea, Chrissa, Jonny, Dan...THEY'RE ALL ON THE OTHER TRIBE!!! I'M STILL WITH LIANA. FOR F*CKS SAKE!!! The only people on this Finite tribe that I can trust are Sara, Lily and Amanda. THAT'S IT!!! Son of a BiSCuiT. The only thing that I can keep in my head is that everything happens for a reason. Maybe...this is the chance to strengthen old bonds? Or perhaps make crucial new ones? There's always something to look forward to in Survivor so...that's what I hoping for here! Liana said to me that there's a lot of old Tasi's on this tribe which she views as an advantage. Girl...I hate having to suck up to Liana but if something keeps me in the game, it keeps me in the game. If going back to Tasi to destroy it from the inside is what I have to do, honey, I will do it! I've got to get to that top and I really want to have a good representation of myself in this competition. I've got a lot riding on this competition, I don't want to lose! Plus, I've got Shea depending on me to do well so...I'm going to do whatever it takes to go far. At the end of the day, I'm here to slash throats, save my family and wear ugg boots. I'm going to do whatever it takes and I'm GONNA WIN! Oh and...vote with more than 3 minutes left on the clock. LOL! Wish me luck! Sincerely, Canada's Self Proclaimed Favourite~ Kelsey Mikaelson!

Okay so WHEW. I truly did that huh. Well my friends on the other tribe did haha. I'm just really blessed to be here and to have my health. Jesus is good. God is good. Anywho, I'm really just trying to see how the vote is going on the other side because I need to make sure Amanda and Luke are safe. Amanda told me she got an idol from the deep, which is good because if Liana, Lily, and Sam try to go for her I can give her a heads up. I messaged Billy because he's someone I'd want to work with while over on this side. He's a strong competitor and a threat so I figured he could be a meat shield for me. I don't know what kind of implications this immunity win will have for me, but this hunty is safe and all these other hoes aren't.

http://youtu.be/Vk-qOIBmDz8

Whew ok so I'm high-key freaking out cause my tribe is an absolute ghost town. Apparently it's between Andie and Sara which is fine but like...I don't know if it's a definite thing? I've only heard back from Lily and Liana and so that's all I have to go off of...I know Kelsey and Jenn will vote whichever way so we have the numbers I'm just nervous of Andie might've found anything in the deep. I don't know if Sam has anything or if she's even back for that matter......So yeah. I wish Dan and Seamus were here but I just hope they're safe for now. I'm lucky to have a Tasi majority here so hopefully things work out the way I think they will!

Last round was lit! Darian started throwing my name out but his messy ass asked so many people who I was aligned with or am friends with and stuff so I had like 3 or 4 different people come to me and tell me he's throwing my name out so I went to work and got people to help me recruit other people and get Darian out. It was awesome. So this round I didn't really talk to people too much but I went to the Challenger Deep and I did level 1 which got me a sneak peek at another level so I did level 19. There's some power there that will help me save an ally or something! All I have to do is get 4K on snake. [insert extreme Ciera eyeroll gif] I hate so much honestly. I couldn't do it. I had to give up and get back to my tribe because I need to know the vote. I guess it's gunna be Andie with a few on Sara just in case? I don't know I'm just glad it's not me. 

so im feeling fine, like i thought id be smooth sailing through this vote bc emma and rhea are inactive but i think my name is starting to come up. i made an alliance with dan. and kait and i are also close. but thats basically it. ik dan is friends with everyone but hes all i got!

Literally Emma can fuck right off. Calling me a back stabber? Where in our conversation did you see us align? I remember talking about the state of Oregon. I didn't realize Oregon was a code word for "LET'S MAKE AN ALLIANCE." Girl bye, I don't know you and you're cancelled. All kidding aside, I hope she's okay because I heard that she has had some personal life things going one. I wish her well. 

Okay. I just want to say I love everyone. And every vote I make is no time personal. It is just to advance my game. I love everyone. 

Ok...I like Andie....And I don't want Andie to go over Sara....It would help if Andie talked to me....But you know....It's a little too late to change my vote....I don't know what Kelsey's doing.....Amanda wants Sara to go.....I don't know what's happening at this point so if Andie has some crazy twist up his sleeve I'm gonna be happy and terrified and...Yeah. I'm a mess to say the least.