#ill talk through what im doing so i dont surprise you and we'll keep your t warm so it doesn't hurt going in when we're done with this bit

[calamitys-child]

Good nurses are worth their weight in gold I know I say this every time I have an appointment but they're very under appreciated and I want to give them compliments

[heartfucksmouth]

can't sleep. I find it hard to get comfortable lately and I'm kind of dreading not being able to lay on my stomach or back bc my hips are so shitty. I'm so glad I already have a body pillow but dang.

moreso, I woke up to pee and then was wide awake because I was thinking of the painful and stressful overtone in the house when it comes to myles mom. I don't want my partner to be in distress like this. and my mom offered for us to go stay with her and maybe we could save to buy a house (i really do not want to get stuck in the housing system as well, esp bc myles wouldnt be able to live with me from what ive read), but that brings its own problems with boundaries and I'm not speaking to my dad (definitively and with no end in sight) but my mom talks to him every day and sees him weekly. so it would be a relief bc we wouldn't have daily beratement and feeling like we (but mainly myles) can't exist and take up space and that im put on a pedastal bc im ~female and all men are disappointments and fuck ups or something, but I'd be inviting other potential chaos and confrontation - unless my mom really truly gets that she needs to keep her relationship with my dad separate. and I'm not her daily sounding board... I need my space. it sucks so much to feel like im stuck in this again, but it's not surprising either.

I also briefly freaked out about how we would file taxes after the baby is born. I don't even file bc of my ssdi income, but having a child might change that. and then we can't get married or I lose my ssdi payments - to get the tax breaks of having a dependent/child... so I'm just like... what is going to happen with that?

the stigma and, essentially political position, of being disabled and pregnant is ever-present in my mind.

also myles mom was like "if it's a girl, ill try to soften" and I'm like lmao but if it's a boy?? you'll continue your legacy of emotional abuse and calling the men in your life retards and making them feel worthless and flawed?? no fucking thank you...

like, fuck parents like these. I can't wait to raise my kid conscientiously and intentionally so they turn out to be a compassionate human with emotional regulation skills.

also, the whole "mother" and gendered stuff isn't usually super present in my mind, but since I'm awake and ruminating, that came up too. I do feel more female and womanly being pregnant, its hard not to, and i dont think i should be ashamed of it bc any femininity i embody tends to be both soft and strong, and i think thats empowering? I chose nonbinary to describe myself bc I really don't care for the binary we have of gender, but I don't think that negates having a more fluid relationship with gender. everyone basically calls me she/her, but I feel very clear on defining myself as nonbinary. I don't usually care how people refer to me, I think it's just too tiresome for me to bother with personally. I know how i feel, and I get that it's confusing for people to understand . I still get caught up trying to explain it, but to me, it's simply an authentic feeling and allowing myself to .. accept where I'm at every day is very self-compassionate. idk if this makes sense, it's almost 2am lol

plus everyone's question is when we find out the gender of the baby lol. me and myles talked about having the main baby clothing color be green bc I hate how clothing colors are gendered. we talked about possibly a gender neutral name, but we'll see. small things like that feel really supportive to me!

I felt some weird guilt or something after sharing the news and ultrasound with more people. everyone is so so happy for us, but . idk I almost felt shame for being happy - or like it's gonna get taken from me etc. I think it's a very vulnerable position bc there is so much attention on me and judgements are always being passed. maybe it's trying to control people's expectations of me or something, and I'm sure it's internalized stuff I still have to work through.

I just want to sleep.

[superrrswag666]

after being together for not that quite a long time but also not that very short but cant say how many because idk just incase🤷‍♀️ i started having doubts:( i started doubting if we were really meant to be together because i always thought that she deserved better because she wasss sooo amazing and i always thought of myself as ugly and u know other stuff... ive always been insecure with myself and my depression and self hatred got the best of me and i stopped being idk a good gf to her??? i really wanted to be the best gf to her because she already was. and i started to think of things like how i shouldnt be loving someone else if i couldnt even love myself and i really dont know what she sees in me and how she could even love me. i really tried my best to be a really good girlfriend to her and i really reallyyy loved her with all of my heart. but she started getting even busier and i started to feel unloved but i always showed her my support and love. but my depression got even worst and i started to keep things to myself and i couldnt tell anyone the problems in my life and i dont think thats how relationships work and i dont think thats how relationships should even work. and because of my depression (now i feel like im blaming it all on my depression and im really sad about that) our relationship started to drift away because i started not talking to her that much anymore and i started to message her more coldly until i stopped messaging her... i really regret it because she didnt deserve that and i didnt really wanna do it but did i really loved her or did i only loved that she made me feel loved? but i realized that i did love her but when i said sorry to her i... didnt get the answer i wanted. she broke up with me and i understood that because what i did was really selfish and really bad. and i never wouldve thought that our relationship of us would end because i did something selfish... because all throughout our relantionship i was all about giving and giving and giving. sometimes she didnt even return it. even though i dont know anymore what to say or type now... i really wished i didnt do it then we probably wouldve broken up and/or i really wished that i couldve said a lottttttttt more to her before we broke up. but i probably dont think ill ever will and i dont know how to move on or if i should move on because a part of me thinks that if i talk to her again maybe we'll get back together even if it'll take quite some time but... i know that probably wouldnt happen and maybe she's happier without me and she's even better without me:(((( now all i could do is look through her social media and the posts that she's posted and it really makes my heart but i dont know why it makes me happy that she's smiling in her photos. she was the only one that made me not kill myself through out those years and ive had some attempts but i couldnt do it or it failed. i kind of wish that i did it and it worked when we were still together or when i havent messaged her/ghosted her but i dont wanna traumatize her or something:( she deserves the happiest life! i wish we could grow old together but now all i rely on is watching bojack horseman to feel comfort and theyre not even real. i feel all sorts emotions to myself and its all of the bad ones! i dont know how ill ever love myself or how it'll stop but i also dont know if ill ever reach the time that, that happend or if it'll ever happen. i have so much more things to say and this story isnt even all of it. i cant even study or breathe or do anything normal without feeling my heart hurt or needing to check id your online or needing to see your pictures, our chat and if youve posted:( im really really bad at explaining and talking to other people but im surprised that im even capable through here. i wish for her to have a good life and a good future preferably with me but really painful to admit but will still say "even without me":( i still love you and i know you'll never get to read this but deep inside of my heart i wish you can because i'll never get to say these things2u