#im a bit nervous but this is a new blog for more freedom than i would have had on my previous blog

[curiouschaosstarlight]

You can tell I've been mostly a dashboard-and-mobile exclusive kind of person in the last few years because seeing some themes was such a head trip

[oswednesday]

could we possibly get an update on your tmasona :3c i feel like maybe some things have changed, or i'm just getting confused...

omg yeah i need to update their art ref! ill get to it, i have to finish up some other stuff first! omg yeah ive been adjusting things as i go, making themes clearer i guess! or w/e fits the setting better a i listen again, omggg thank you for asking, also im so rendered playdough soft that youre keeping track enough to feel confused like,o mg ;x ;, okay so updates!:

-theyre born in america to a beholding cultist group, their parents are like Teachers With Doctorates, they have six other siblings (who also all go different ways) the upbringing is like zero privacy 100% authoritative, they live on the compound which doubles as like a high end Alternative Schooling, i imagine they would have called their parents ma'am and sir more than mom and dad, its competitive family dynamic and theyre being Trained to take the archivist position on the off chance that gertrude dies of old age (i think given that a branch in china had a guy lined up thats a reasonable thing to assume the cult does as a whole?), they attend like a compound boarding school with other cultist children (like, america has A LOT of cult compounds,, so i think it would be def a thing for dread god followers, and since tmi has like Some kind of academic standing, with american culture there’d be some kind of accredited legitimacy to the school)

-they go to whatever fancy university for a weighted accelerated library sciences program that their family has a connection to, with like the smallest bit of experienced freedom they also take art classes at a Less Nice For Profit liberal school thats just a block or so away from the other as it tends to be in small american cities that are designated college towns, theyre like so paranoid about being caught and watched and judged that they go through the whole trouble of fabricating a whole entire different person to be for the other school which does not check anything ‘cause theyre getting paid, which like the money dries up a bit enough for them to start up some Fraud, i think the very start of like the identity theft is the End, but before that they would keep track of everything like taking notes about different places different selves needed to be, keeping track of lies the best they could, theyre the only one of the siblings left who havnt made it Super clear theyre with a different patron, so they feel the obligation to keep it up, i also think there’d be a lot of, wow no one can ever know anything about my terrible fucked up monster life so no one can get close, i cant even get close to me, vibe going on with all that

-this is the lead up to the psychotic break they have, and it Looses them up enough to experience the spiral, during the break down they find a book that Feels Familiar and its like, transcribed recordings of children in therapy conversations accompanied with art from the patient , it probs has a Misleading title like “my wonderful changing body and me!” like one of those youre going through puberty and instead of helping you emotionally im going to toss a book at you and leave the room kind of thing

-so they get lost a while, read a book in peace, break a mirror in a way thats v symbolic, like a representation of their sense of self becoming fractured, they use their blood to mark where theyve been, its all very trans formative and dramatic, (like they def arnt using they/them before this, they embrace the multiplicity of it all)

-their Purpose is to lead victims through, they create and maintain narrative mazes for people to get lost in and lead them to madness (so, like the metanarrative function of pyramid head, or like the bartender+delbert grady in the shining, or like the night clerk in the first downfall game? i guess the second one too but the first one has that vibe im going for and is less symbolic over all), this also means they like vacuum up after a messy meal

-the title that old fashioned people use is the minotaur, but stuff about their role within the cult as a concept is like jaws of madness, the teeth, the porter, doorman, caretaker, maid, whatever nondescript jobs victims see them having

-happening simultaneously to that metaphysical stuff, their physical self drops out of everything and a distant aunt offers to take them in which their family is Fine with cause their a disappointment and all, but it turns out their aunt is a house that like uk buzzfeed and travel blogs calls the mouth of madness, its like a winchester house, m takes it over and converts it to a bed and breakfast tourist spot for the income and it just, becomes a legit hotel business (but i think thats after the great twisting fell through)

-so timeline wise its, breakdown, impulsively marrying the physical embodiment of the lonely,the great twisting, hotel

-like cause they had no place of their own there was no place for them to go after the twisting fell through so they went no where, it was real upsetting tho

-things that not every minotaur had but some could do so this is like personal quirks! is they can move the understanding of physical things to create obstructions as long as its repetitive,so making mazes and labyrinths! and sometimes their fabricated spaces are like noticeably fake, they also cant balance a lot of victim plots and make new space like the first purpose comes first even when the second function would benefit

- they look however you expect them to look whatever that means for you but they also have a static like base self that they can like, replace with other selves

-like seeing the pure concept like how the distortion is that weird long fuckhands thing, their True shape is like a vitruvian man in constant motion like a photographic blur, you could probs see how a leg could be a tail and how shifting heads and shoulders could be horns and how weapons held by many hands are hooves of a beast

-there’s not always time for any of that so sometimes they have to just lock someone up, let their mind fill in the blanks and do them an insanity, box cutters have a nice sound but power drills are more appropriate for quick jobs

-they can fully Check Out of their physical body and just leave it there, they eventually have to go back and get it tho, it can do its own thing but its primarily customer service auto pilot

-their dreams are like realistically mundane, with the occasional interruption of something that catches up with them (like if they cut their hand off irl itll be fine but theyll eventually have a normal dream where their hand gets severed) (they also do a lot of work in dreams but they like differentiate between like im consciously doing stuff in the dreamscape and im a victim here dreams but theres no real, difference, thats not really their thing to be in control of)

-i think the sum of their personality would be like someone who exclusively talks in customer service voice and when theyre not working theyre a nervous wreck, they hide behind stuff when ever they can and feel more comfortable with something between them and other person like a wall or a magazine or a counter desk, that sort of thing

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[citrus-feline]

going on facebook is always awful cuz ill want to share something with my dad but then see his most recent post is talking about “commie liberal shitheads” like. dad. is that what he thinks about me? he is definitely at least semi-aware of my political views. he’s accused me of being a communist in highschool back when i thought there was a point in talking to him about issues (but hes not going to change his mind). i dont get it either because he will get livid when i say that capitalism in its current state in america is ruining us despite being one of the people affected most by it. i grew up like hating late-capitalist ideals because i saw what my dad went thru and the hardship he endured trying to raise 3 kids all by himself when he was already having money issues. he grew up poor in a house with 5+ kids in it. is it just conditioning where he trusts a system that is so against him? he only just recently finally got a job that pays fairly for the amount of hardwork he does and his reaction to that isn’t being thankful to his hardwork or even his company, but making posts on facebook about how much he loves the president :/. dad... you’re opposed to raising min wage..... like....... he deserves the money for the work he does cuz hes like a genius with the machines he works but dude. go back 50 years and a job in a similar environment would be min wage. im happy he is getting more money but i wish he would like thank himself or his company instead of someone who perpetuates late-stage capitalism despite all of its harm.

generally i actually think my dad is okay but then i look at what he’s saying about people like me and it upsets me. i once made a post about how older people are so unsupportive to newer generations and he got so mad!! but im expected to see his posts that i can easily apply to myself and just be okay with it. im not gonna fight with my dad cuz like even the possibility of being told to move out will be really hard of my mental health and he takes care of me but........ i wish he was more respectful....... say what you will but the meanest i am to conservatives is when im venting about upsetting things i saw in the news on this website. when it comes to actually talking to people with different views i am really kind and understanding, and even on here i’ve experienced that. i’ve made angry posts before with keywords that attracted conservatives and have gotten angry asks about it before and my response is almost always “im sorry i upset you with that post, i was venting. but i am happy to have a conversation with you about this stuff.”..... i have only like once ever had someone take me up on discussing things in a mature way and separate from a personal post but i like to think that the way i handle it is respectful despite my own disbelief in those types of politics.

him going off on facebook is so bizarre to me because i’ve seen him fight with people in comments before. i’ve heard my sister (who is much stronger than me emotionally) address his posts before only to get into arguments where she will avoid visiting us for months aside from popping in after work or something. and she barely does that anymore. i dont get how he is so happy to keep making such rude posts on a platform that everyone he knows will see. i post on here knowing that maybe one or two people i know in real life will see it, if even that. and THAT makes me nervous! i’ve deleted plenty of posts i was typing up mid-rant because i realized i didnt want people who know me personally to see that! like i know looking at my blog it seems like “oh she doesnt have a filter” but i do!! like once a day i will start writing a vent post only to delete it all without ever posting because i realize it could cause some kind of misunderstanding or bitterness between me and the people i care about who check my blog.

all “bleh i hate capitalism” aside, i don’t understand the disrespect at all. i just dont. i can theoretically look at very conservative people as a group and be bitter about that, and i do sometimes, but i usually try to be mindful that people have opinions for their own reasons and i have to remember that everyone’s experience is different. despite people saying things i disagree with, i still respect them as people and i’m willing to talk about things gently. i much prefer a mature conversation about more heavy stuff as opposed to being yelled at. a mature conversation can lead to things being learned, on both sides. being so vocal about your disdain for people who you could potentially have an actual conversation with upsets me. i go off about politicians and stuff on here but for real if one of them talked to me, one-on-one, i would absolutely still be respectful despite everything i dislike about their policies and behavior as someone of power. the only time i wouldn’t treat someone with respect is if they not only treat me disrespectfully but reject my attempt at keeping things civil. and even then i would give multiple opportunities in an attempt to keep things calm and respectful. when i discuss stuff with people who i disagree with, i listen to them. lots of the time i feel the same about the issue at the end, but hearing a point of view is important. brushing all people who disagree with you away is just in bad taste in my opinion. because there are people who will not believe in what you do but also show respect despite that. there are people who will listen, even if they are secretly a little upset about what you’re saying. conversation is important in any kind of society and for one so polarized in political beliefs like ours i think it should be a requirement to show SOME kind of respect.

it just upsets me how i wont even be heard with some people, like my dad. people who are so stuck in their beliefs that they refuse to even consider looking at them critically. i know the stuff i align myself with isn’t perfect. i know some things people who are head-speakers for in the political groups i openly say i agree with aren’t always exactly what i think. and i know that lots of things won’t be treated as serious as i want them to be. focus can easily be put on things that i think should come later compared to what i care about. i know that “liberals” aren’t perfect. a lot of kids i went to school with were heavily and openly liberal and generally i agreed with them but now and then they would go too far with something, or even just be one of those people who are so up in arms about political stuff that they don’t have any real personal experience with (which is fine, i just wish they wouldn’t act like it was them being attacked instead of the actual people suffering from the real-life issues). i know my beliefs, MY personally beliefs, aren’t perfect. i used to have a lot of trouble realizing something i believed in was not what i thought it was, but now its kinda normal for me. my beliefs for lots of stuff is fluid, but of course because its me, i usually end up aligning with most “liberal” ideals (but, again, theres stuff i disagree with in those groups too). i will ride in my dad’s car where the radio is still on a political station he listens to and some of the stuff they say makes me sick because i disagree with it so much. and i like to think that my dad doesn’t believe all of that. but i dont know because whenever i’ve tried to figure out i’ve just been called a communist who hates freedom, lol. he’s not open to conversation which is really weird to me. cuz like. things change?? opinions aren’t static? people are able to look at things from different angles. its not that hard imo? maybe its just cuz im overly-empathetic but like. i dont... get how its so hard for people to put themselves in others shoes... thats what i primarily do when talking to people about stuff where theres any sort of disagreement. lots of the time ill put myself in their shoes and still come out feeling the same about the topic, but its still important to do that kind of thing to at least get SOME kind of grasp to why they believe what they do.

im not sure why im making so many long political posts lately compared to usual but i feel like this is important stuff to talk about... i dont expect anyone to change their views on shit just reading a post where im getting my frustrations out, but if anything is questionable, i want people to know that i AM open to talking about it personally. if you approach me with respect, i’d be happy to talk to you about stuff. it’s something i practice regularly with non-political stuff in my relationship and with close-friends when something touchy comes up. lots of the times core ideas aren’t changed but we all come out of that stuff with a bit more understanding of the other person and why they think what they do. people aren’t perfect and you will disagree about things. that’s why it should be handled respectfully. if i reacted the way my dad does to people trying to make conversation about more serious things, im pretty sure i wouldn’t have nearly as many friends, lol.

[like-sands-of-time]

so this is something I sorta come to terms with in every fandom im in with a closeted ship but it's literally always relevant, and always kinda weird to think about as a stan but it's still so so important to mention...

as shippers it doesn't matter how much we love them, how loyal we are to them as individuals and as a couple, our #1 needs to be their happiness not ours. what I mean by that so this doesn't sound wayyy out of context is if they don't wanna ever come out, if they just don't want/feel they can't/etc. to come out now but maybe they might change their mind, if they feel pressured either by themselves, by those around them, or even by hollywood in general to make choices regarding pr relationships that they look absolutely miserable in then all we can do is support them. sure you can leave the fandom any time you want, there's no contract or obligation or anything but if you can see past the fact that they're not living out their lives the way you want them and the way they feel they need to(and let's just think about it, how content do you think your idols actually are that they even think they have to do something like that because they're worried what their fans might think, what directors, costars etc. might think, how their career might not make it very far because Hollywood is so fake progressive about things) im sure you can see that that choice doesn't make them any happier ultimately. maybe it was an obligation one made for a project. or maybe their teams both were like hey we should do a mutually beneficial pr relationship.. IDK and we won't ever 100% know cos we're not in the meeting rooms w them.

ANYWAY I got sidetracked a bit. the point of this whole thing is yeah you can get frustrated with them, I'm sure they're very frustrated with the choices they make too at times, but that doesn't change their values or who they are, that doesn't mean they're a liar and everything they might have said about political, religious, personal, etc. views is a lie bc this one part of Hollywood that absolutely sucks.

just.. realize that you're not always gonna be 100% happy with the person you stan or the ship you like because they're real ppl who have to make decisions that have more reasons behind them than we could possibly begin to speculate given we don't actually know everything. our whole blogs are dedicated to summarizing what we see and what we think it means based on other ships, based on them, and based on how much we respect them honestly cos some of you guys assume the absolute worst of your idols when any sort of headline or anything appears.

just, remember that they make mistakes just like you, except their entire lives are blown up so people like you who make proportional mistakes can analyze literally everything and make assumptions about them based on those choices, those .001 second flashes to get picture perfect moments.

also I saw this in someone else's post so im not trying to steal but it was really accurate imo.. specifically regarding this fandom, charmie: Timmy's motivation to do this stuff isn't for the attention or fame, that much seems crystal clear to me. he embraces the awkwardness and sort of self deprication that's very real for our generation. he embraces the fact that he is who he is, I don't think he's ever thought he was that cool popular guy, nor do I think he wants to be. he seems far too introspective and wise for his age to get too close to that kind of thing.

Timmy's motivation is more to not be the minor/side role his whole career. he loves what he does, he doesn't care what genre the movie is, what work he has to put into himself physically or mentally bc he likes the challenge.(he's said all of that). he just wants to be the lead role imo. he wants to be a main actor not stuck on the sidelines or forgotten about and there's nothing wrong with that. ESPECIALLY because he truly does have the talent, the dedication and hard work, the love of what he does to bring all his characters to life even if they are the farthest thing from his irl personality. he seems to make friends with everyone he works with, seems genuinely happy to be where he is even if he's really nervous.

unfortunately for that goal you have to be seen a certain way and Timmy is not some buff, masculine, manly dude bro guy. I'm pretty sure from the beginning of cmbyn promo there has been name calling about his sexuality based on his body type/looks and it's absolutely not cool but yet nothing really new.. that type of "based on what you look like you must be like x" is what drives so much of that industry to work out and diet til their unhealthy, to change their personalities to seem more likeable, etc.

I really hope with the roles he's done so far it's enough to show that you don't have to be that guy to be lead material but i genuinely don't know... I don't think it's something he even wants to do long term, he seems v happy to have a close honest relationship with fans no matter where in the world he goes and he doesn't seem to be losing his love for his job and anywhere it takes him so if The King and Dune go well let's hope he's allowed more freedom to be who he truly is bts.

I really dont think he's some manipulative guy and I never have been one to change lots of ppls opinions but honestly I'm not a hardcore stan. I saw the movie (cmbyn) and gushed a bit for a little bit in the beginning of 2018 but ive literally only just come back bc I saw he was doing some more cool stuff.

I've been in fandoms where the two ppl in the ship haven't even been seen together in years, everytime fans comment about the things they say or how close they might be there's an article about how they hate each other. ive seen ppl I stan struggle to get respect in such a tough/unfeeling industry with their hard work and fear being honest and sabotaging their hard work. it's a real thing and almost any now-out actor/musician/etc. that I've seen talk about it talks about just how traumatic it truly is. even if you aren't internally homophobic, even if you were cool with yourself and your life before, anxiety, self doubt and the fear of judgement and career sabotage seriously messes w artists. i don't know that everyone out there is as strong-willed as we think we are.

THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY FOR NOW sorry for rambling and pls bring on the comments about how dumb and ignorant I am it's really great seeing how ppl handle differences in opinion. (: