#im feeling very very impulsive and dangerous tonight so im just gonna try and stay on tumblr until my brain shuts up
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man. things r getting bad again
#just. blegh. im falling into a pit and i don't know how to climb back up.#my healthy coping mechanisms r being replaced by not so healthy ones#i feel deeply lonely and anxious whenever im not with friends#doing homework makes me want to scream and cry and bash my head into the wall#adulthood is getting uncomfortably close and im terrified bc i still feel violently like a teenager#in a year ill have to leave my family and home behind for a lifeless apartment that'll cost more money than i can afford#i go about my life every day knowing my mom doesn't want me anymore because i didn't stay her charming little kid#she loves me but she doesn't like me. ill always be her oldest kid and she loves me because of that but she doesn't like me.#she wanted a perfect smart daughter who'd pass school with straight As and go to college and get a degree in a well paying field and -#- marry a man that she'd stay with for the rest of her perfect life#and all she got was me.#it hurts a lot and i can't do anything to make it stop#im feeling very very impulsive and dangerous tonight so im just gonna try and stay on tumblr until my brain shuts up#ive been saving my last edible to share with a friend but im very tempted to use it tonight because i need my brain to shut up#i also might come out to my brother as trans. maybe cry to him about how terrified i am about life. because im so fucking scared.#he'll know what to say. big brothers somehow always know that stuff.#im so sorry for spilling everything and oversharing here. i needed to get everything out before i break#i need to go and try and calm myself down now. i might be crying and i can't let my mom hear me bc then everything's over for me
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