#my healthy coping mechanisms r being replaced by not so healthy ones

[fabulouslygaybean]

man. things r getting bad again

[killemwithkawaii]

That feeling when your f/o is the main thing reminding you to take your meds even when you don't feel like it, the fear of dissapointing or worrying Sal or Larry usually kicks my ass into gear to at least take them before I go to bed. ~R

[CW: mental illness]

Honestly bro i fucking feel you on this- I do some very similar things when I'm not doing my best, and it makes me really happy to hear that you're using your f/o(s)/ selfshipping as a healthy coping mechanism, too! 🥺💖💖💖👏

(my f/o ted talk is under the cut bc it got long lol)

Imo one of the best things about having a fictional other is always having someone who understands you around to support you whenever you need them, however you need it. Of course, f/os are absolutely no replacement for an IRL support system, but real people have their own needs and limitations that need to be recognized and respected. Its unreasonable to expect anybody to carry your baggage for you 24/7, even if you are struggling 24/7. That's where f/os can help fill the gap! c:

Because they 'live' in your head, they can be there for you instantly any second of the day, they can listen the things you need to get off your chest without you needing to speak it aloud, they will hear your confessions/worries/complaints without judgement, and they know exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it. In my experience, having an f/o has been incredibly helpful when I'm going through something rough mentally bc I tend to isolate myself when I'm at my worst. In those times, I've had some long internal dialogues with Sal when i didnt feel comfortable talking to a real person (because i have trouble expressing myself verbally, feel I may not be understood, am in need of very repetitive/frequent/specific reassurance, etc.). I've had some major breakthroughs in those conversations (because they were essentially long sessions of self-examination/reflection via daydreams), and can't count how many times I've used the thought of him being there to calm down when i was anxious or having a sensory overload just needed to be really petty and complain for a second.... He's pretty much become my live-in personal confidant, handler and hype-man on top of his imaginary bf duties and hes helped me so much over the past couple years that i got soft thinking about it while writing this and now im just sitting here with my feels like 🥺👉👈💘💘💘

TL;DR: I say that as long as it's a positive influence on you, embrace the self-love and use all the support your f/o can offer you!! 🤗💖💖💖

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 6-10

back at it again with the white vans

episode 6: the alchemy exam

alrighty then

um mustang calling edward “ed” is EXTREMELY offputting

ohhhhhhh noooooo not shou tucker

FUCK

im wholly unprepared

them all being in central instead of east is low key jarring like my brain isnt computing it

alexander’s intro is basically the same 

nina bbyyyyy girl u deserved so much better

ed is such a fucking nerd...chemistry club modern au confirmed

god the more tucker talks the more i wanna beat his face in

al pretending to eat by tossing a potato in his armor i-

aww theyre playing in the snow theyre so pure

wonder how long thatll last

“bigger brother” and “little big brother” and ed doesnt even get mad

ed’s birthday party????????

A MELON? ED YOURE SO RUDE

so 03 had ed’s bday instead of elicia’s...CAUSE THEY GOT ELICIA IN THE WOMB

“it’s here!” “the tea?” “the baby!” hughes is a fuck head

ok so now they’re having elicia replace rush valley baby arc

this was winry’s time to shine in fmab i miss her 

if winry isnt here who is gonna birth this baby

oh my god they just realized ed can use alchemy without a circle

no wonder he’s been using circles this whole time

SO ELICIA JUST POPPED OUT????? WHAT

STUFF ALEXANDER IN THE ARMOR AND PRETEND YOURE A TALKING DOG???

“i dont think thats very funny” NO ALPHONSE IT IS NOT

THEY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THAT ONE I SWEAR TO GOD IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

damn bradley what up homie

im so thrown off by the way theyre doing the exam omg

seriously what the hell is fuhrer bradley’s purpose right now is he even the fuhrer in this i feel like they wouldve mentioned it

oh lord ed is about to impress everyone with his clappy hands

ok so next episode is nina FUCK

episode 7: night of the chimera’s cry

havoc babeeee

im gonna marry him my himbo king

also can RIZA DO SOMETHING PLZ

“huhhhhhhhh nina” ew tucker that was weirdly gross

wonder why

cant do it cant do it

do we think jean kirstein was modeled after jean havoc slightly looks wise

was that purposeful 

ill have to google 

serial killer who only targets women?  it cant be scar...scar drinks respect women juice

barry or slicer bros maybe? um ok

why did we start with liore if they were just gonna hop right back into the past for a huge chunk of episodes idk

assessment day??? oh noodles

AL WHY DID YOU TELL TUCKER TO MAKE ANOTHER TALKING CHIMERA ALPHONSE NO

THE NOISE I EMITTED IM GONNA TAKE A LAP

im gonna FUCKING SCREAM

ed r u writing to winry??? that’s a bit out of character for u good sir

no tucker put that baby down

im gonna fucking SCREAM

aww he burned nina’s picture thats not sus at all

SHESKA!!!!!

wait does the ironblood alchemist know what tucker did to his wife? thats kinda the vibe im getting

SCARRRRRRRR

looking like a pirate too damn

his voice sounds different is that j michael tatum 

apparently not it was dameon clarke in 03 ya learn something new everyday 

ew elicia has a lot of hair for a FUCKING NEWBORN

ed really is such a cynic very suspicious of everyone as he should be really

basque grand knowS SOMETHING

oh jesus oh fuck oh god please do not TOUCH THAT BABY

ed and al snuck back in to the house well u know what its for the best

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

im gonna cry again please god no

FUCKING DIE SHIT HOLE

she’s hurting? oh my god

my sweet angel

ew his eyes!!!!!!! 

tucker is such a fucking failure...like look at the chimera squad and greed’s theatre troupe being the way they are. ugh it really hits how fucking unfair it is 

ed was really about to split them? boy you know better

where is nina going...im hurting

ed really tried to save her in this one

SCAR KILLS NINA IN THE STREETS???????? SIR

thats different

oh snap 

oh FUCK

SCAR WHY DID YOU LEAVE HER BODY LIKE THAT

THE WAY SHE WAS ARRANGED ON THE WALL THAT WAS FUCKED UP

AND THEY FOUND HER LIKE THAT???? AT LEAST IN BROTHERHOOD THEY DIDNT HVE TO SEE HER CORPSE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

that was fucked.

episode 8: the philosopher’s stone

can yall get ed and al away from nina’s fucking MURAL 

get out of the car mustang

finally jesus christ

roy mustang talking about healthy coping mechanisms dont make me laugh but alright baby boy go off i guess?

im curious about who this goddamn serial killer is though lets turn to that plot thread

r u kidding me

mustang is making ed and al take over tucker’s research?? thats actually wildly messed up

oh tucker was straight executed that’s a choice i guess

tucker and the philosopher’s stone sounds inaccurate but ok

ed please stop being mean to your brother

03 mustang has got me reaching for a fucking baseball bat on GOD

scar and edward having this conversation right now i literally cannot

WINRY yes bitch

BRADLEY WHAT IN TARNATION

JESUS LORRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDD

alphonse shut your mouthhhhhhhhhhh

im so confused what is bradley up to

“alchemists are not cold blooded murderers?”

i mean

kimblee would beg to differ for one

whos this creepy lady 

her voice sounds familiar

barry’s food shop?

the killer is barry ok got it

IS BARRY DISGUISED AS A WOMAN

I KNEW THAT WAS JERRY JEWELL’S VOICE

WELL I KNEW IT SOUNDED FAMILIAR AT LEAST

WINRY GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TRUCk

has PINAKO TAUGHT YOU NOTHING

ok so i VASTLY prefer suit of armor original manga canon barry

this is such an odd plot what in fuck

um OW the meat cleaver

im so confused this fucking plotline

oh hey alphonse nice of you to show up!

is barry still gonna become a suit of armor later on

it makes NO SENSE to introduce him otherwise 

everytime i see 03 mustang i wanna beat his ass HONESTLY

literally i will shove my foot up his ass

fullmetal here we go

ed thinks he’s so punk rock 

oh great scar’s seen the watch

episode 9: be thou for the people

ed you simp buying winry all this stuff my edwin heart is ascending

SIMP SIMP SIMP

“mr. elric”?? you mean MAJOR ELRIC

to be fair though fuck the military

YOUSWELL??? oh LORD

im gonna need to read a full chronology of this show

 alphonse continues to be a precious angel 

where’s my boy yoki!!!!!

edward you idiot don’t go flaunting your money

woof woof ed

al looks so offended by ed saying they just met

whereas in brotherhood didnt he totally throw ed under the bus??? 

a choice to be sure

ah there he is hello yoki

who’s the chick

shes a lesbian

yoki makes me miss my baby girl mei chang

mei where r u

WAS THIS MILITARY DUDE REALLY ABOUT TO CUT DOWN A CHILD??? oh my god

hawkeye getting a promotion yes bby girl

jesus theyre transferring them to east now OKKKKKAY thats not how it happened it the book but ill take it....just doing it the opposite way i guess

who is lyra who is she

cute some military bribery 

umm lyra what the fuck did you do

lyra is a homunculus im callin it now

they definitely invented/changed up some homunculi in fact im certain they did and shes one of em. gotta be

i feel like 03 wrote ed as much more insensitive towards others than he really is...just a vibe im getting

i know he was faking for the townspeople’s sake but i still get this vibe from other instances 

i mean i cant say its not “canon” because its 03 canon

anyways what a show off

i cant believe theyre going to east...fuery and breda better be there

ok finally some answers on their ages....ed got his license at 12 like normal and nina and youswell were when he was 12...liore was 15, 

if they didnt flash the ages on the screen id be lost honestly

at least we’re back up to “present day”

episode 10: the phantom thief

ed saying he doesnt wanna see mustang

same

03 mustang is activating my fight or flight and im choosing fight

ed cheating at cards totally checks out

um who the fuck is this woman

what is she wearing

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT CUTOUT MAAM HOW DO YOUR C**CHY LIPS NOT POKE OUT

idk but this is fem!hisoka

“hey shouldnt we talk first” after getting handcuffed??? christ almighty these innuendos

siren??????? siren is probably also a “fake” homunculus

ugh

ok so the nurse is siren

ya aint slick girly

alphonse control your crush

I REFUSE!!!! ALMEI RIGHTS

why is al’s hair so brown in this flashback anywayssss

oh its spelled psiren ope

like she’s literally a batman villain...

oh my god...............the tiddy grab. my son would never

my son is respectful

is this her homunculus tat or just a random alchemy tat

the added plotlines and original content continue to confuse and astound me every single time....

ok but if psiren really was doing this for the hospital she wouldnt be so flashy about it. like thats how you get caught sweet cheeks

girly stop flirting with this child on god im gonna fucking kick you

now shes a nun????????????????

Shes a fucking troll i hate her

im going to kick alphonse into the sun 

oh great now shes a teacher

wow shes a savior. the savior of amestrian venice. greatttttt

ed looking exactly like this emoji on this gondola rn 🧍‍♀️

STOP FLIRTING WITH THE CHILD 

GOD THIS IS SO BATMAN VILLAIN ESQUE

alphonse plzzzzzzzzzz she aint your girl

ok so probably not the last we see of this ding dong con artist

ok so its starting to get muddy. im scared the 03 stans are gonna come after me like i do like it and im having fun watching it but some of the plot and characterization choices are just....odd??? idk i gotta keep going though!! im sorry i just stan arakawa and her work in all her glory!!!

[jacksallys]

hello !! i was tagged by @calumthoodshands & @ashesonthefloor to do this <3

rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs then tag ten people!

okay i dont wanna shuffle my on repeat bc... some of us have been listening to a lot of hsm recently so <3 its not an accurate representation of my music taste rn. so im gonna shuffle my all i want is for someone to love me as much as i love these songs playlist bc thats probably the closest thing i have to a favourites playlist or smth?? idk

r u mine? by arctic monkeys i feel like this one is self explanatory... i just like arctic monkeys a little idk. maybe im in love w alex turner !! its not my favourite off of the album and tbh i feel like i probably dont ?? apreciate it as much as i should honestly bc it sorta slaps (i have no memory of adding this to this playlist tho?? im pretty sure i just added all of am but)

boys will be bugs by cavetown this song reminds me of simon snow. thats my only explanation for loving it this much. also its a little fun to cry to idk. i would Not fuck someone up if they were mean to bugs bc im slightly terrified of them but <3 its the vibes idk

cigarette daydreams by cage the elephant !! this song god i hate the fact that i love it but <3 the vibes !!! yes pls i cant explain it but it has such ?? main character energy for a song. makes me feel like im in the opening scenes of a dumb coming of age film. its just so so pretty idk. maybe i romantisied my age w this a lil as well, who knows idk 

love story by taylor swift do i have to explain this? no. its self explanatory. sometimes its awfully Freeing to loop this and cry for an hour (tho my sisters realised that besides love song this is one of my sexy Breakdown songs so she always checks on me if she hears it)

out of touch by dove cameron !!!!!! one of my favourites by her. god its such a banger n im lowkey sorta in love w her and just the vibes of ?? this song. the aesthetic is a lil cute idk. also have i mentioned im in love w her <3

hopelessly devoted to you by glee cast well. in my defence. sometimes,,, i feel things. okay

love song by yungblud hm. well. lets just say that,,, as of Right Now (perhaps ive had it on a loop for the past four hours idk) ive listened to this song,,, 788 times this week. and over 2000 times since it was released in december,,, within !!! one week of it being released i. listened to it so much that it replaced she looks so perfect as my top song on spotify. i have a sexy and slightly healthy coping mechanism and this is it <3

turbulent by waterparks god this is the first song that i heard by waterparks that ??? made me get really into their music. maybe i played it a little too much during... i wanna say the summer of 2019. yes. that summer. its a banger and tbh i havent actually listened to it in a sec so :))

sex by the 1975 ahhhh ok at this point ive made it my only personality trait that. the 1975 is my favourite band,,, this is ?? a banger. not my favourite song by them at all (give urself a try hehe) but it always reminds me of when i saw them live in feb 2020... this was? the second song they played. idk its just :)))) nostalgic n a banger

lemons by brye ft. cavetown i think i found this song ??? looking for songs to put in my carry on fic playlist but lowkey... it slaps. idk its just a bit of a banger honestly 10/10 would recommend??? just... the chorus... its Chill but also not? like it is but. idk my brain is mushy i think i need a nap

idk who to tag so !!! @compulsiveidiota & @boomerangbassist

[mynumenorean-blog]

Physics and Philosophy: Depression is Like Gravity

When a star runs out of fuel and collapses under its own weight, it super-compresses into an infinitely small and dense point called a singularity. We never see this because this itty-bitty singularity has an enormous gravitational field around it that’s so powerful, not even light can escape it. In fact, the only things that have escaped are select radioactive waves that will, in theory, eventually cause the black hole itself to dissipate into nothingness.

In a way, this is also what happens to people with clinical depression. We collapse under the weight of our mental and emotional burdens. Our personalities, passions, and interests super-compress to the point to where even we can’t see them, surrounded by a near-impenetrable field of unwarranted, all-encompassing sadness and pain. The light given by family, friends, and other loved ones becomes all but invisible to us, and anything we send out from this abyss is just as harmful to ourselves as to others.

Unfortunately, we’re no closer to permanently fixing depression than we are to turning black holes back into stars. While there are some of us who respond well to conventional treatment, many of us find that regular therapy and medication just don’t cut it. To make matters worse, those who are lucky enough to not have this condition find it difficult to understand; some even deny that it’s anything that exercise, vitamins, and a deliberately chipper attitude can’t fix. Anyone with a shred of decency who’s kept up with modern science knows that labor pains are real, being gay isn’t a choice, and white people aren’t fundamentally better than any other kinds of people. Why, then, are we still taking backwards, outdated approaches to mental illnesses?

Modern physics tells us that so long as you steer clear of a black hole’s event horizon (the outer boundary, and the only part of it we can really observe), there’s still hope of not being pulled in by all that nasty gravity. However, the closer you are to it, the greater the speed at which you’d need to be travelling to elude the black hole’s gravitational pull. Similarly, most who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder can remember the event (or series of events) that lead to the onset of their condition. The pain, anger, and misery they inspired bind themselves to the center of a person’s consciousness, and anyone who approaches them afterwards is at risk of this malicious miasma interacting with their own day-to-day routine. Like gravity, it can reach out and touch anyone or anything in the sufferer’s life, twisting and distorting their perception of even the most cherished pieces of their lives until they no longer associate any feelings with them at all. While in its throes, some find that they must distance themselves from the sufferer to avoid being slowly consumed by their negativity.

To put things into perspective, a normal person has “gravity” that’s no stronger than that of Earth; just the right amount of pressure to ensure healthy growth. Clinical depression sufferers typically have an excess of the stress hormone cortisol, which causes certain areas of the brain to shrink and others to enlarge. An excess of gravity, on the other hand, would cause many parts of our bodies to be squashed down towards earth while causing blood pressure and production to increase. If it continues to grow, then eventually, it’s, “’Pop’ goes the human.” Much like gravity, too much cortisol can make a person “pop” both physically and mentally, as it’s been linked to weight gain, emotional outbursts, and suicidal behavior.

Even one’s sense of time is affected by both depression and gravity. The latter of the two literally curves the fabric of space time, causing it to flow more slowly than it would otherwise have done. The stronger the gravitational field, the more sluggishly time progresses. There is also a sense of timelessness in the minds of the depressed; one’s perception of time becomes altered and they often have difficulty keeping up with the pace of life. They’re stuck at the fixed points wherein their “gravity” increased, and forward progression can often move at as glacial a pace as George R. R. Martin’s writing (I love you, George, but two thirds of the Star Wars franchise were finished faster than it took you to not finish ASoIaF). They often feel that they’re standing still in a world that never stops moving, which exacerbates an already profound sense of alienation. The greater the depression, the more pronounced the sense of timelessness.

So, what’s one to do with all this information? How will knowing this change anything? Well, if we continue to draw parallels between MDD and the universe’s most abundant fundamental force, then we’ll realize that neither of these things are linear forces. Gravity can be understood as a curvature in space-time, whereas Major Depressive Disorder could be considered a “curvature” in the neural network. Both represent deviations from what is typically observed. There are very real physical differences between the typical human brain and one afflicted with MDD. Stop telling people with the disorder to “just get more exercise,” “go outside more,” “get over it,” or other such tripe. While time outdoors and physical activity are seldom bad ideas, they’re not a cure for the condition, so stop pretending they’ll fix depressed people. A better course of action would be simply to offer love and support; show them that you accept them as they are and will always be there to help them in whatever way you can.

Let’s also remember that gravity works in direct relation to the mass of celestial objects; the greater the mass, the stronger the gravitational pull. Some clinically depressed persons find that they can reduce their “mass” through regular therapy, while others must take prescription medications to chemically reduce it. Many require both. What most therapists will agree on, however, is that one of the most crucial factors in learning to cope with MDD is having a strong support system. Finding the right therapist can be nearly as challenging as finding the right medication; what works for one person may fail in spectacular fashion for another. Personally, I’m one for whom my circle of support was the only thing that truly helped me manage my MDD. Happiness became a conscious decision I had to make every day, and experience has taught me which of my coping mechanisms are the most beneficial for me. The love and understanding of those around me aid in keeping my “mass” as low as possible, and when it reaches a critical point, I can always reach out to them for help.

No matter what method a person uses to manage their depression, if it’s not harming the sufferer or others around them, no one else has a say in whether it’s the “right” approach or not. Yes, I understand that some medications have rather nasty reputations for the side effects they can produce. However, if a person feels that their meds are a bigger help than a hazard, then don’t try to cram essential oils up their noses, vitamins down their throats, or sunshine up their asses. You’re only adding to their mass.

Unfortunately, some psychiatrists do more harm than good by trying to find the quickest way to manage the symptoms. They treat their patients like lab rats, prescribing the most “promising” (aka expensive) new medications that haven’t been tested nearly long enough to observe any long-term damage they could eventually cause. When they observe an improvement, they pat themselves on the back and consider the job done. If the patient reports a different problem than the one with which they presented, they push another miracle pill onto the patient without considering the idea that the first pill might be causing the new problem. So-called medical “professionals” like this who play the doctor equivalent of “hit it and quit it” with patients are a large part of why the American medical system has become such a joke in the rest of the developed world. If all doctors were as interested in resolving their patients’ problems as they seem to be in throwing a pill at them, employing the “wait-and-see” method, and getting to charge them for follow-up visits, the WHO might not have given the US health care system the rank of 37th-best in the world in 2018.

Okay, that last bit was a rant, and it’s over now.

In conclusion, I hope this has been an insightful look into the minds of those who suffer from depression. If not, then I hope that those who have the disorder found it relatable. In any case, the more people understand the difference between “feeling blue” and actual depression, the faster the misconceptions about this condition can be replaced with compassion. One day, we may understand enough about MDD that we’ll be able to find a permanent solution. Until then, the 300 million people around the world who have this illness ask those who don’t to be patient with us… we’re doing the best we can against an enemy that modern medicine still doesn’t fully comprehend.

[lupinepariah]

Why I’m Otherkin

This is going to be very trigger-y so... to be forewarned is to have four arms, yeah? Wonderful. So, let’s rap.

My mother died last week.

Amongst most of my family I’m the “know-it-all ass-burgers r-word.” I object to this as I really don’t know a lot and I don’t know how I’d weigh my intelligence. If pressed, I’d likely say that I’m not very smart as admitting to intellect makes me feel guilty. I don’t know why. Why do they do it, then? It’s because I have a strong propensity for being right.

You see, I have a strong propensity for doing something they never do. Thinking.

My mother is the only one in my family I’ve ever cared about. I admit, we’re a little distant but I did love her and I cared for her, I never wanted her to suffer. A friend of the family had a mother die not long before my mother died and they wouldn’t listen to me for the aforementioned reason, I wanted to tell their mother about an experimental treatment that was at least worth trying. No no, I’m just talking out of my arse.

That’s how it often is. I don’t think it’s especially difficult to not be stupid? You just have to think first. Is there really so much difficulty in that? I mean... I recall not so long ago when I was screaming at “medical professionals” to stop faecal transplant tests. There’s so much stuff we can’t screen for well and all you’d need is the combination of a superbug and a compromised immune system for people to start dying. It had to happen for them to stop, of course. They did it until people died for exactly that reason.

No one wants to listen to an r-word with ass-burgers.

What frustrates me with my mother though is that the solution to keeping her alive was so simple.

She started new medication recently. It turns out everyone in my family was told about this except for myself, which is dandy. The first thing I advise anyone to do is to check the side effects to make sure that there aren’t any co-morbid effects with any other drugs they might be on, or any instigators of underlying health problems they might have. Fat chance. My family got my mother popping meds without even bothering to read the documentation that came with them.

The first thing I do with anyone is tell them to check the side effects. Always check the side effects. Always check the side effects.

The truth is? I have loads of life experiences like this. I’ve been abused in every way you can imagine. I’ve been through the ringer. Physical, mental, sexual, emotional, and everything else. No matter what could happen to me these days, I’ve felt worse. That’s why the situation with my mother just leaves me feeling cold and angry, and little else.

The truth is is that my experiences with human beings that actually want to be human beings is that they can be monsters. I admit that this isn’t all of them, I’m sure it can’t be, but it is true for the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast... you get the point, the vast majority. They’re monsters.

I was raised by dogs due to parents that were either neglectful or abusive. The dogs died because of abuse, missed vaccines, or other reasons... they were replaced with other dogs because it was the only thing that kept me sane. After all, you have to keep up appearances and make it look like it’s the problmeatic child’s fault rather than the alcoholic, violent, dysfunctional parents. Isn’t that always the way of it? Very relateable, yes?

The truth is is that I’ve had so many bad experiences that I... I don’t feel like I’m a good fit with this species. I’m too kind. I’m too considerate. I think before I act. I actually care. I help people even if they’ve hurt me so, so badly that all I feel for them is hatred. All I want for anyone is to not have to suffer as I do. So while most humans look like monsters to me, I don’t want them to suffer.

This gives one a... unique outlook on life.

As a coping mechanism I started thinking of myself as, well, not human. It helped. It helped so much. And over time I became mentally healthy, even well-adjusted, I’m certainly a lot less angry these days. I even have a partner! They’re non-binary and they’re absolutely lovely, I couldn’t ask for a better partner, so very supportive, creative, and clever. And then my mother died.

It’s hard not to feel set back by it. I feel like I’m teetering on a razor’s edge. I feel that the only way I can cling to my sanity is by more deeply embracing these very strong feelings I have of not being human. The human species—so overly obsessed with itself—brings me great shame. I feel shame and pain that I’m to share this species until the day I die, in body if not in heart and mind.

There’s an autistic community called Wrong Planet because it’s not unusual for autistic people to feel this way. It’s just that for some of us the alienation is so much more profound and extreme than it is for others. We feel it so deeply that we could never be “human,” not in the sense that most would understand that word. I mean, we could certainly never be normal and we’d never want to. It’s a horrible word, isn’t it? Normal. It suggests a binary state where one is the innate default and correct, whereas the other isn’t. How could that be anything other than pathological by design?

Being Otherkin is my coping mechanism.

It isn’t spiritual. I’m not an animal. I don’t have an animal living inside of me. I don’t have an animal spirit. I just really want to be something other than human, thanks.

So I think of myself as a lycanthrope. I’ve an imaginary support dragon who’s there when I’m alone and I have to handle things myself. It’s only by the merit of these two factors that I stay sane. If I had to think of myself as human, if I lost my support dragon, I’d be bouncing off the walls and chewing the furniture to pieces because I’d have no means to handle all of the unimaginably awful things that had been done to me, all of the suffering I’d endured.

No matter how bad something makes me feel, I’ve felt worse. I could only really go up and Otherkin was my way up. It’s a comfort, a small one in a world so bent on destroying itself as this one is. I mean, depletion of the rainforests and a huge hole in the ozone layer and people are still breeding like bunny rabbits. This is what scientists refer to as The Great Filter. Frankly, if not for SARS-CoV-2, humanity likely would’ve gone extinct within the next century.

I feel that SARS-CoV-2 has given the human species a chance to pull back from the brink.

It’s funny because I’ll never know anything other than hatred. I know that. It’s almost impossible for an Otherkin like myself to find any allies other than fellow Otherkin. I mean, I tried to reach out to trans people and they thought I was a meme created to hurt them because that’s what the Alt-Right very successfully brainwashed them into believing. So much for that, right?

I don’t hate trans people for this. That’d be stupid. They’re suffering too. No, I get that they were hacked and it’s not their fault. If you aren’t acting with full agency then you can’t really be blamed.

Every time something happens though that keys into my personal support mechanism I can’t help but latch onto it. I feel included, for once. It’s actually really nice to feel included. This is why I’ve been fixated upon Guild Wars 2 and why it’s been so important to me. I’ve been getting very clingy with it since my mother died because I love being charr and there may just be a good therapy dragon in the latest content. I’d love that.

If ArenaNet wants to do something for one person who’s suffered way too much? Don’t make Jormag evil. I’d really appreciate that. It’s going to hurt like hell if they are. I hate it when dragons always have to be evil because I’m Otherkin. I love dragons.

It’s a perspective thing, yeah?

I don’t really know how to explain it. I don’t think you’d really be able to understand without having gone through decades of torture and abuse. It just shifts your perspective. If I were to show you a picture of five scantily clad humans facing off against a dragon, you’d know for certain that it’s a depiction of heroes versus an evil draconic beast. What I see, however, is a bunch of thieves, burglars, and freebooters looking to slaughter an innocent dragon so they can steal the poor thing’s belongings. The dragon? They’re a mother protecting a clutch of newborn children.

Dragons don’t look like monsters to me. Humans do, though.

That’s unlikely to ever change. I hurt too much for it to.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I hate humans or anything. I don’t really have it in me to hate anyone as that would mean I’d have to want someone to suffer and enjoy it, which I couldn’t. I’d vomit. I’m as diametrically opposed to suffering as anyone could be. I’m really sick of how forced to suffer so many of us are already. It’s just that I can’t look at a human now and not at first see a monster because I have so much trauma to deal with and work through.

So, yeah. I’m Otherkin. It helps. It helps a lot. I love werewolves, dragons, robots, aliens, sapient fungi, and lots of other non-human stuff. It’s great. Sadly, humans being innately narcissistic tend to demonise anything unfamiliar to them, the human species has been doing that since the dawn of time with factors as trivial as skin colour or the shape of one’s nose. It’s tiresome. That’s why whenever something is special enough to have truly non-human entities as forces of genuine kindness opposed to suffering? It wins my heart.

I feel in love with Aurene in Guild Wars 2 for that reason. I feel that that game has been part of my ongoing therapy. I... do worry about being hurt by how they handle Jormag but I do hope. I really do.

So, yeah. That’s why I’m Otherkin. That’s the long and short of it. if you aren’t? I don’t hate you. It’s just that if we met, you’d probably want to hurt me. That tends to be how it goes. I don’t find comfort in the presence of humans. I do find much comfort though in the dreams of being a werewolf protected within a dragon’s shadow. That’s about the only way I can be healthy.

[nootropicsinformation]

In-Depth Review of Melatonin & The Science of Micro-Dosing It

Nootropics Information

Original post on https://nootro.info/melatonin

Summary: Melatonin is known for helping insomnia, is a powerful antioxidant and anti-inflammatory, protects against neurodegenerative diseases, stroke and brain trauma. At a micro dose of 300mcg, Melatonin is gaining wide popularity and most healthy nootropic users are found to include it in their evening stack.

  Introduction

What is Melatonin?

Melatonin is a multitasking hormone produced by the brain’s pinecone-shaped pineal gland. It plays several roles in the body, including helping to regulate blood pressure, boost immune function, and manage cortisol levels. But melatonin is probably best known for its soporific powers. Chief among its responsibilities is regulating the body’s circadian rhythm so it knows when to rest and when to wake up. That’s why melatonin is often referred to as the body’s sleep hormone.

 Benefits & Effects

 Melatonin Regulates Circadian Rhythm and Enhances Sleep Quality

 Melatonin increases the quality of sleep. The Circadian Rhythm influences the body’s sleeping habits. Think of it as a built-in clock that controls our bodies processes 24 hours a day. Scientists have observed that Melatonin normalizes the Circadian rhythm which can sometimes become distorted due to modern lifestyle. [R]

 Melatonin Alleviates Anxiety and Depression Symptoms

 Conditions like depression and anxiety usually worsen by a disturbed, intermittent or a lack of a sleeping pattern.

Having these disturbances regulated can alleviate the symptoms of these conditions, not mainly offering a cure but by far offering an improvement in the standard of life. [R]

 Melatonin is a Potent Antioxidant

Antioxidant enzymes roles within our bodies are to help clean the cells in our bodies and filter our bloodstream from harmful cells. Melatonin increases the rate at which our body produces these enzymes that would be naturally.

These molecules in question can also bond to what is called Reactive Oxygen Species (ROS) & Reactive Nitrogen Species (NOS) which can decrease the level of damage each of these can cause respectively.

The benefits directly from this are that Melatonin prevents any harm coming to your organ systems or tissues. These advantages combined make Melatonin a very useful protectorate within your body internally. These antioxidants can also have benefits for the most critical organ in our body, our brain. [R]

 Melatonin Supports BDNF

Nerve cells are also protected by the increase of these enzymes produced by Melatonin, having a positive onward affect towards the spinal cord including white matter and optic nerves. Its regeneration is down to something called the ‘Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor’ (BDNF); in simple terms, this is a protein responsible for the nerves regeneration and well-being within our brains. [R]

 Melatonin Strengthens the Blood-Brain Barrier

Melatonin strengthens the ever significant barrier between the brain and our blood. If the strength of this barrier were to deteriorate and for example leak, this can lead to cognitive dysfunction (also known as brain fog) and could potentially result in future to conditions such as Alzheimer’s. [R]

  Melatonin is Neuroprotectant

In addition to defending against conditions such as Alzheimer’s development, Melatonin can also aid as a coping mechanism for users who have Parkinson’s.

Melatonin in tests was shown to prohibit cell death and brain damage, sometimes as a cause of a leaky blood-brain barrier.

Referring back to the regulation of sleep, this can also help people who, however, there is currently no proof it helps with any of the other side-effects of the condition. [R]

 Melatonin Replaces Benzos for Sleep

Its widely known that benzos usually depress the natural levels of melatonin within our bodies.

Our recommendation is if you are using one of these drugs for sleep, it would be wise to start using melatonin instead. Moreover, start weaning yourself off the benzos. [R]

 Mechanism of Action

 Melatonin works together with your body’s circadian rhythm.

In simple terms, the circadian rhythm is your body’s internal clock. It lets you know when it’s time to sleep, wake and eat.

Melatonin also helps regulate your body temperature, blood pressure and hormone levels [R]

Melatonin levels start to rise in your body when it is dark outside, signaling to your body that it is time to sleep [R]

It also binds to receptors in the body and can help you relax. For instance, melatonin binds to receptors in the brain to help reduce nerve activity. In the eyes, it can help reduce dopamine levels, a hormone that enables you to stay awake. [R] [R]

Melatonin is controlled by light and darkness. When we’re awake and the sun’s out, we don’t produce any melatonin. But at night, the onset of darkness signals to our pineal gland to release melatonin into the bloodstream.

Your melatonin levels begin to increase about two hours before you go to bed, typically around 9 p.m., and peak about five hours later. As melatonin levels rise throughout our body — it’s found in a variety of our organs, including our eyes, bones, ovaries/testes and gut — our body knows it’s time to drift off to Slumber Town. [R]

Melatonin exerts many of its effects vicariously through melatonin receptors, similar to how insulin affects the insulin receptor. The melatonin receptors are named MT1 and MT2, and are G-protein coupled receptors (GPRCs) coupled to Gi proteins (a heterotrimer of α, β, and γ that dissociates into α and βγ when the receptor is activated). These two receptors are quite different from each other, as they structure pharmacological characteristics and chromosomal location, yet both have high affinity for melatonin. A third ‘receptor’ exists, known as MT3, but it is not a GPRC like MT1/2. Due to the cytoplasmic protein quinone reductase II having the same melatonin binding properties as ‘MT3’, and deletion of quinone reductase II causing ‘MT3’ to disappear, MT3 may just be quinone reductase II.

Examine.com

 Dosage

 You’ll see melatonin recommended in a range of doses, starting at around 0.5 milligrams up to 10 milligrams for people with sleep disorders, with the most common dosage being around 3 milligrams.

But even this is probably way more than you need.

You’re better off basing your melatonin intake on increments that mirror how much melatonin our bodies produce at night. According to clinical studies, the optimal dose is 0.3 milligrams. [R]

Melatonin Overdose

Even though the overwhelming verdict is that melatonin is safe, you can have too much of a good thing. Overdosing on melatonin has not been shown to be fatal, but it can produce the aforementioned side effects, like dizziness and grogginess. In one known case, after taking 24 milligrams of melatonin, a man became lethargic and disoriented, but returned to normal and did not continue to have issues once he lowered his dosage.

In addition, large doses could potentially cause amenorrhea (skipped periods) in women, due to it suppressing gonadotropin-releasing hormones, but if you can easily remedy this side effect by simply stopping your melatonin supplements. [R]

 Side Effects

 Overall, the side effects of melatonin are pretty toothless. Unlike other sleep aids, like benzodiazepines and z-drugs (think: Ambien and Lunesta), melatonin does not cause dependence or withdrawal symptoms. [R]

The most commonly reported melatonin side effect is daytime drowsiness. Other melatonin side effects include nausea, headache, and dizziness. [R]

If course, if you’re taking other medications, you should check with your physician before popping a melatonin. It has been known to interact with some antidepressants, blood pressure medications, sedatives, antibiotics, and antihistamines. [R]

Up to 240 mg and 500 mg oral and intravenous injections of melatonin taken acutely is not associated with any toxicological effects. [R]

A handful of large scale, 6–12 month studies, suggest continued administration of melatonin does not result in tolerance.

Examine.com

Conclusion

There’s great amount of evidence suggesting as well as proving the benefits of supplementing with melatonin whether for sleep purposes or overall general health.

Best practices when supplementing with melatonin for long-term benefits is to take a microdose of 300 mcg on daily basis before bedtime.

This microdose will serve a host of benefits most noteworthy of which is antioxidation and supporting mitochondria and antioxidation.

Many Nootropic focused companies are now aware of this and its benefits and so finally starting to see products in microdoses such as Nootropic Depot’s, which I have personally been using for a long time. Prior to which, I tried a couple of different products at the doses of 3 mg and it made me very heavy and groggy for a long time.

 User Experience

First User Experience

A reddit user documented his experience after 2 years of using microdose of melatonin as recommended alongside magnesium, and his realization of how beneficial it had been working for him after he stopped.

I took Magnesium Citrate (200–400mg) and Melatonin (0.3mg) both every night for over 2 years and thought they didn’t make much difference in my sleep. It turned out to be very wrong — I now remember how poor my sleep was 3 years ago, before starting to take them. I wake up from the slightest noise and can’t go back to sleep for many hours afterwards — even if I wake up after only 4 hours, I would need to wait 3 hours before I fall asleep again, without Magnesium and Melatonin. This has been this way since I was a child. I find Melatonin is better for actually falling asleep initially, while Magnesium is better for maintaining quality sleep afterwards.

 u/SuperAgonist on Nootropics subreddit

Second User Experience

 I have learned the same lesson with melatonin in that less is more. I took 30 mg one evening and had very unsettling and vivid dreams. Not restful at all. I find 5 mg timed release works well. If you are interested in another natural sleep / relaxation aid, I have had success with Red Bali Kratom.

 u/beesler70

 Further & External Readings

 For more insight about melatonin and its benefits from a nootropic perspective, check out our blog post Melatonin For Sleep: How Effective Is It? as well as the following articles:

·         Melatonin in-depth review by David Tomen of Nootropics Expert

·         Four Surprising Reasons Melatonin is More Than a Sleep Aid by Mansal Denton, the editor of Nootropedia

·         Melatonin for Sleep: Everything You Need to Know About the Snooze-Inducing Hormone by Mary Squillace for The Bulletproof Blog

If you still have questions, please visit our Ultimate Frequently Asked Questions page.

 Nootropics Information