#im gonna try not to do that agin. my last goodnight.

[marsbotz]

goodnighttttt ^_^

[doingbetterforme]

Social Anxieties are Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

I’m definitely not dating this person, but he’s being really nice about it. 

We met on Tinder before my last relationship. Had one date and hooked up, kept in passive contact for the duration of that relationship, but I never felt like he was trying to pursue me (even before we fucked). 

A little over  a year later, I’m back on tinder, freshly out of my relationship and thinking I’m ready to go on some dates, flirt a little, buy a meal for someone, have someone buy me a meal, etc, and there he is again. Once again, it’s a match. I wonder if he remembers our encounter, or remembers me at all. We match. 

We start chatting and I really want to go on another date with him. I end up on a bad date with someone else and text him drunkenly about it on a tuesday night, and he’s so kind about it. We have a date scheduled the next day and he’s surprisingly ok with it. He even checks in to make sure I still want to go, which I do.

“I would actually really love to spend time with a guy who I feel safe and comfortable around, and maybe that's a lot to put on you, but you're that guy right now”

We have a lovely date. I tell him all about the night before, and how I felt like I was trapped and I was really upset by my behavior in the face of that feeling. He listened kindly, we talked about common interests, it seemed like it was going well. He dropped me off and gave me a hug- no kiss because of my weird night before, and I texted him after he’d left, telling him I wanted to invite him in to finish our conversation, but I didn’t. He said he would have loved to. 

We went out one week later. Went to see a movie, took some cute photos in a photo booth at the mall. It was fun, but again, no kiss goodnight. Maybe he just wants to be friends. 

But we’re texting every day. There are many days where I won’t text him, because I don’t want to seem desperate. He texts me on every one of these days, setting off an avalanche of messages I can’t help but send. I flirt, purposefully, becauseI want him to know: I am interested. We make plans to make dinner at his place. 

I’m thinking the whole day “just gonna eat dinner and go home.” The best laid plans of mice and very lonely women. We’re sitting on his couch, watching my favorite show and bonding over how great it is. He’s massaging and cuddling me, but not really making a move, so I kiss him. He kisses me back, hungrily. 

“Oh, he does want this. Cool.” I end up sleeping over. He even offered to sleep on his couch, but I wanted so badly to sleep beside him. I wanted to be held and kissed and wanted. I told him I didn’t think I was ready to have sex, he offered agin to sleep on the couch, but I didn’t want him to. Of course, I changed my mind after a few minutes of fooling around.  I haven’t had sex in two months and here is a sweet, supportive, kind person. He has no expectations of me, I don’t feel pressured in any way, I feel safe, I am ready. 

We stay up for a long time afterwards talking about important things. Not commitment talks or anything like that- I don’t believe he is in any way my boyfriend. His cat sleeps on my pillow above my head, purring. Overall, a pretty wonderful night. Plus, I made a kick-ass sauce. 

The next morning I feel like he can’t get rid of me soon enough. It’s strange, and he’s not mean about it, but I can tell he doesn’t want me to stick around and I’m being too sluggish in getting ready to leave. I text him when I get home, he texts me back. We continue texting for a week, I even bring up hanging out again, but he is vague about it. 

I get a world-rocking yeast infection and my period, so I don’t know what’s even going on. I go to the doctor and get a full STI work up, just to find out I’ll be fine, just take this pill. Of course, that means I have spent days fixating and thinking this man just gave me something, and now doesn’t have the balls to tell me he’s not interested. 

The weekend passes. He’s busy. We text a bunch on Monday and finally I ask, are we going to hang out again? I don’t want to be texting into a void. He says, he’s just busy, he’s just feeling things out, doesn’t have any expectations. I reiterate: I have no expectations of you, just wanted to make sure. 

We don’t text the next day. He texts me the following day, and for most of the next week, I try not to text him first. I’m not trying to play games, just trying not to get invested in this person I really like when he seems completely uninterested. Or maybe not uninterested? It’s very confusing and I can’t read him. We don’t text at all over the weekend, and I figure that is that. He texts me on Monday. Today is Wednesday and still, no mention of hanging out. 

I’m having a really bad day today. I fucked up at work in a bad bad way and I’m not happy about it. He asks me how my day is going, and I tell him it’s been kind of rough, he asks why. Why is he interested in my struggles? Every time I mention something not great, he jumps to attention. Does he want the drama? I don’t know. I tell him what’s going on, he is sympathetic. 

“You know, you’ve been super supportive and sweet considering the enormous amount of complaining I feel like I’ve been throwing at you and I really appreciate it. I apologize if I’ve been throwing a lot of baggage at you. You’re very kind.” I’m terrified of being too needy, and it spirals into me being even more needy. He’s sweet in his response, but I can’t help but feel that in my attempt to avoid being needy, I’ve been incredibly needy. 

And this person doesn’t even like me enough to show it. It’s absurd that I am so totally fixated on wondering whether this person likes me. He clearly doesn’t. So why is he being so nice about it? Why not just stop texting me? Why do I care?