#im making that backdrop one my computer background lol

[fcatton]

I JUST!!!!

[thaliagrayce]

@ariihen​ absolutely. consider yourself destroyed. This is a little lighter on the jasico than most of my stuff, but like... I had fun and it’s still homestuck au? I hope you like it anyway. I love a lot of parts of homestuck but honestly the beginning, when they were trying to figure out this weird fucking game, was one of my favorites

-- gracefulArgonaut [GA] began pestering tumultuousTartarus [TT] at 16:13 --

GA: Im Still Supposed To Be Bullying You Right Now Because Apparently That’s What Were Supposed To Do 

GA: But Ive Been Watching You For An Hour Now And You’ve Been Listening To The Same Song And Staring At The Corner The Entire Time

GA: Are You

GA: Are You Okay?

Nico blinked down at the new messages from gracefulArgonaut, squinting a little to try and read the light blue letters against the white backdrop of pesterChum. It was confusing for a number of reasons, most of which he didn’t want to touch. It was the first time GA had contacted him, but far from the first time he’d been approached by random hostile strangers on pesterChum. Despite the influx of other, much meaner anonymous messages he’s gotten within the past year, this one unsettled him more than most.

He glanced at his computer speakers, which were playing Wake Me Up When September Ends for—he glanced at the screen, which had his music history open—the sixteenth time in a row. He had, in fact, been zoning out in the direction of the corner for almost the entire time. gracefulArgonaut or whatever had no way of knowing that. He looked down at the messages again, chewing on his bottom lip. Responding to these trolls wasn’t productive, he knew that from experience, but that was… super specific.

The last note faded away, bleeding into the intro again. Seventeen times. He unfolded his legs from the position he had been sitting on his bed in, wincing at the twinge in his knees and shaking the numbness out of them as best he could, and moved to his desk chair. Under the window that was playing his music was a pop-up from the Sburb beta. It had taken a while (or maybe he just hadn’t noticed it for a while), but the server application had finished installing.

Instead of sending anything back to GA, he switched to a different chat.

-- tumultuousTartarus [TT] began pestering effluentBlade [EB] at 16:15 --

TT: Okay.

TT: I have the option to start a server now and I’m going to do that.

TT: You only have to join when I send you the invite, it shouldn’t be too difficult on your end.

He set up the server and tried to connect, but the client server was unresponsive. He twisted his skull ring around his finger and stared at the screen. Another few messages from GA came in, but he ignored them.

-- [TT] [EB] --

TT: You there?

TT: Percy?

EB: oh yeah lol I’m here, I just had to do something for my mom

EB: it’s good, got it, hitting enter now

Another message from GA pinged in the background. They were persistent, usually the trolls would ignore him after he disappeared for too long. He glanced at the media player again. Wake Me Up When September Ends was on its seventeenth and a half playthrough. Even if they were just making a scarily accurate guess, GA might have had a point. It was a good song, but it was also without doubt his Depression Song. He hovered his mouse over the icon at the bottom of the screen, considering.

The Sburb window suddenly changed from the black background and green text that he had been seeing for an hour to a loading screen, and his speakers started pumping out instrumental music over top of his emopunk. He paused Green Day, fighting a smile. Finally.

-- [TT] [EB] --

EB: oh shit dude, false alarm, mom needs me again

EB: I’ll be back in five minutes, don’t worry

Nico let out a groan and leaned back in his chair, letting his head flop back against the headrest. He’d been wanting to play this game for months, but apparently he wouldn’t ever be able to. Percy, as usual, had better things to do than spend time with him. Thalia was still pretending that she was too cool to want to play in some misguided attempt to… establish dominance in their group? Impress all of them with her apathy? Make sure her mother was just as miserable as she was? Nico didn’t know, and he didn’t have the patience to try to dismantle whatever was going on in her brain now. She wanted to play somewhere in there, and she would eventually. That’s what mattered to Nico. Annabeth was… Nico didn’t actually know where she was now, but she wasn’t responding to messages. As usual. Probably knee-deep in some project, hyperfocusing so hard that she forgot to blink for five minutes.

At least Percy tried connecting before he left. The loading music was kind of nice, too. Maybe Percy didn’t actually have to be there in order for Nico to play.

There was another ping from GA. Nico bit his lip. It couldn’t be any more unsettling than the initial messages had been, right? He opened the chat.

- - [GA] [TT] - -

GA: I See Youve Moved To A More Comfortable Sitting Location

GA: Good

GA: That Couldnt Have Been Good For Your Back

GA: Or Your Legs

GA: Or Your Mental Health Probably

GA: I Also See That You Are Ignoring Me

GA: Which I Should Have Expected

GA: I Did Explicitly State That I Was Supposed To Bully You

TT: You know, the whole telling me what I’m doing in the moment that I’m doing it thing is a little bit creepier than your group’s usual brand of cyberbullying, but the rest of your approach could really use some work in the hostility department.

TT: Part of your strategy? Be nice, but like, really weird about it? I admit, that might be effective, if you actually planned it out. Make me feel as uncomfortable with my friendships as I do with the rest of you.

TT: Who, apparently, all know each other and have banded together in an organized campaign against myself and my friends?

GA: Oh! Youre Here

GA: Uh

GA: I Kind Of Have A Viewport That Lets Me See The Four Of You?

GA: Mine Is Focused On You At The Moment

GA: I Explained This To You Last Time

TT: Did you, now?

GA: Well

GA: Last Time From My Perspective

GA: Probably It Will Be Next Time From Your Standpoint

GA: Anyway

GA: Im Glad That You Seem To Be More Responsive Now

GA: Youre

GA: Different Than I Expected

GA: And Different Than You Were Before?

Behind pesterChum, the window for Sburb changed. Nico could see… Percy’s bedroom? Strange. He shot a quick message to gracefulArgonaut.

- - [GA] [TT] - -

TT: As fascinating as that avenue of conversation would be to explore, I have better things to do now.

TT: How about you stop creeping on my life and leave me alone? Worth consideration. Might be a more effective way of bullying me, leave me in confusion.

GA: That Certainly Is A Strategy

GA: I Confess That Im Not Very Good At Bullying Though

GA: And You Fascinate Me

GA: I Think I Would Like To Be Friends Actually

TT: Well, try again later, I guess. As I said, I have better things to do now.

He exited the chat, but didn’t log out of pesterChum entirely. Hopefully, Percy would be back soon. Nico could see him in his room, dicking around with a foam sword. Nico scrolled through Percy’s apartment until he was in an uninhabited room—the bathroom. Perfect. He hit the select button and clicked the bathtub. He could worry about GA later, it was time to learn these controls right now.

[haeroniel-doliet]

Hnghhh why does it require e f f o r t and p a t i e n c e and p r a c t i c e to get good at art????? I need to be good immediately and things i want to see appear at a snap of my fingers.......

Read more for what became an accidental full rant about why ive yet to post anything besides that one thing idkkkk

Aka im TRYING to be good and practice little by little but its BORING and difficult to not get immediate reward.... Also because for whatever reason i really dont wanna watch tutorials so im tryna be all self taught kinda and im OBVIOUSLY making a lot of mistakes like its part of the process but its FRUSTRATING

Basically im on my 6th??? Idk restart attempt at the same fennec portrait and its. Okay. Its at a point where im like nice as long as i suffer over the details here itll be decent ish. Probably.

But its not REWARDING.....

I know i want to do screencaps and character and face studies to get to the point of good art i wish i could be but .... I also just wanna draw like fun fic scenes and silly doodles of characters like some of the cool artists i follow do but i CANT because im not GOOD ENOUGH yet. ;(((((((

Yea i could post sketches or whatver i manage in a night but like who the fuck wants to follow that? Nah... I just idk. I DONT KNOW i dont know what my art goals are (i do, but DO I??)

My brain also obviously doesnt work very well visually which is GREAT so like, any original work its a lot like 'i'll know its right when i see it' but getting next to no other direction and you just gotta be like right. Okay uhhh my anatomy skills are stunted from when i was like 16?? Perspective?? Detail?? WHATS THE COLOR SCHEME

Never mind that i just... Dont understand the program or brushes that well idk why. Krita should be good and im too stressed to experiment different softwares.... BLEGH

i just. Part of me aches to go back to traditional for a bit but i just, dont have the means to make the scale of work i want ro produce with traditional materials yknow?? Maybe i should try just sketching scanning and then lining on computer again idk. At least for some of these face things.

Ok so my GOAL is to always have a very recognizable face. Like. I guess i cant hold myself to photorealism standards because hahahhah id die! But like, i want the face to be looked at and go ah yes! Its that guy! That actress! My friend! Me! Whoever! But like, recognizable. Because i know i CAN thats what i do! Thats all ive been good at !!!!

And like yeah i could hone that, yknow? Work on face studies and mini portraits of all my favourite actors and scenes and shit. Cool right?? Yeahh that could be sickaroni macaroni. People like faces they can recognize and good refined work. I can do that

But i want to be MORE

Id love love love to make like. Scenic paintings. Concept art level atmosphere and color and light and presence and as tory telling yknow?? Id like to substitute the literally colorless fog inside my head into vivid scenes. Id like to try and take the fics that in my head are set in ??? Space with some movement here and there and just idk emotions? Into fleshed out SCENES with backdrops and accurate anatomy and WEIGHT and like, everything incredible that i admire in true art.

But thats hard, yknow? I havent really ever done backgrounds and what i have have been so flat. I dont KNOW how to do that (here i would be willing to have a teacher i think but. Im tired. I cant even seek out a short term therapist for myself how am i gonna find the kind of teacher i want?? Because of course i want them to teach me how to achieve whata inside my dreams and not what they know how to do ykno)

Yeah so i want to try and paint screencaps in the meantime. See if i cant struggle my way to fit this putty of skill into a square box. Like i think i can paint. Digitally? Somewhat idk?? Maybe if i just. Keep trying itll work out?? Start with simpler ones and build up to complexity??

But also. If im juat trying to get myself to love art again, why am i trying to throw myself in the deep end of struggling with something im not good at?? Shouldnt i be just refining what i already know? Like. A character! Standing. Maybe in a cooler pose if going crazy. Refining basic anatomy. How does fabric work? How does hair work? Can i make expressions seem realistic?

Next step, could i make a picture of someone without direct reference?? Like. Could i draw maybe a wee dinluke holding eachother or whatever and like. Just. Do it?? Without doing a version of photoshopping two pics of the actors through art together. Idk.

Also NONE of this makes sense to anyone outside my head and im SORRY

Like i dont even have a resolution at the end here!!! Im just FRUSTRATED!!!

I wanna draw, i wanna have results and success and rewarding experiences. But i also want ro challenge myself and do super complex shit and like really push myself to learn impressive difficult shit and be proud of down the line.

Im so tired. I cant even feel ok drawing without having someone on call with me to alleviate the immense pressure of frustration and anxiety and stress and struggle!!

I just. Wanna enjoy it

Okay fine i need to find a show or smth to 'watch'

And tomorrow? I might whip out a sketchbook thats been last used 8 years ago and. Ignore everything in it hahhaha its bad

But no im gonna. Im gonna draw scenes. With minimal reference

I might make a face collage i definitely wanna for pascal and mar camel

But im gonna put PENCIL to PAPER and get to the roots of MY HAND CAN DRAW just give her a chance, and get your brain outta the game.

Ok so fuck me this rant has to end here or ill never stop

If you read this (i dont expect ANYONE to have) send me like a message or whatever lol imma need to ask if youre ok <3