#im so glad i can finally post this so i can stop tweaking things

[asanjou]

giramie week day 4: "oh. oh."/outside observer

[factual-fantasy]

I got 25 asks that took me WAY too long to reply to! :}

I have two top favorite episodes, the cone snail episode and the beluga whales episode.

When it comes to my favorite part of both episodes..?

..Not happy parts...

I have absolutely no idea what you just suggested.

(Referring to this post)

Thank you! That was the intention. :} I was worried that their faces all looked weird..

You want to learn more? Man.. maybe I should post that headcannon draft..

Yeah haha, this blog has taken quite the U-turn hasn’t it? I’m just glad everyone seems okay with it so far. <:} I’m excited for season 5 also! I hope it comes out soon! :D

THANK YOU, I WILL CHERISH THIS LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME FOREVER

Yes and no.

Does he think of his crew as children? Absolutely not. They are all fully grown, intelligent and capable adults, and he darn well treats them like it.

But you bet that if one of them is in danger or is frightened, he’s dropping everything he’s doing and rushing to their aid as if they’re his cub that just wondered out onto the highway.

ME TOO! I always felt like he had this fatherly vibe to him with some professionalism sprinkled on top. Like he’s always looking out for his team because he cares for them and worries about them, but its kind of disguised as him just doing his job as the Captain.

I plan to draw more Protective Barnacles because its my jam, so don’t worry! That side of you will have some more fuel soon XD. And thank you for all the compliments! :}

Daww thank you, it twaz nothin. I’m just glad that people want to see my art.

Well, taking everyone into consideration, the tallest is Captain Barnacles, and the shortest is Tomminow. (This little guy 👇)

The Vegimals aside though? Peso is the shortest. 

(And thank you! I’m glad :})

Honestly? Awful. I feel like absolute garbage, I just hope this will all finally go away soon.

Not really no, and no thanks on the cookies, I shouldn’t eat anything until I get super hungry because everything gives me stomachaches.. But a hug would sure be nice right about now.

I can give you a link to their wiki pages if that’ll help, I’m not really good with my words and you can learn everything you need to know about them there. <:}

Captain Barnacles (The polar bear guy)

Kwazii (The orange pirate cat guy)

Peso (The bby Penguin doktor)

Shellington (Tall Otter boi)

Dashi (Doge girl with skirt)

Professor Inkling (Fancy squik)

Tweak (Green bunny country gal chick)

The Vegimals (Little veggie dudes)

All the Gups (Metal fishes)

The Octopod (Momma metal squik)

Whos the youngest Octonaut? Well, if we’re not including the Vegimals, I’d say its probably Peso. And the oldest is most likely Professor Inkling.

Does anyone have claustrophobia? Yes! Captain Barnacles canonically does. He got trapped in a deep hole in some icy caves as a cub, since then he’s been afraid of tight and closed in spaces. I have extended on that fact and thought of many different scenarios relating to the aftermath of the Octonauts movie, but you know.. still not confident in all this Octonauts stuff so I haven’t posted my headcannons yet. <:/

Novelas translated into English means Soap Opera.

You think so? I feel like that’s not Kwazii’s thing, he’d probably like horror movies and action filled movies. But Peso probably would like them not gonna lie, him and Dashi would probably watch them together.

Well, in my draft post I’ve got two headcannons for her so far.

Tweak likes sleeping in the launch bay for the #1 reason that she can hear the water sloshing around in the bay. Which mimics the sound the water in the swamp used to make when she lived there with her Dad.

Tweak gets bad migraines when she’s sick, so the other Octonauts have to do a lot to accommodate her. Because the beds in the med bay aren’t that soft, she prefers to sleep in her room when she’s sick. But then the usually comforting sounds of the water in the launch bay become pain inducing. So the launch bay is emptied of all its water, the lights are shut off and, unless its an emergency, no one is allowed in the launch bay until she recovers. 

I looked it up, and its true.

KWAZII WAS A GIRL IN THE BOOKS?? THEN WHY IS HE A BOY IN THE SHOW?? WHY DID THEY CHANGE THAT?? WH??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like this Kwazii more than I would any other version of him, but still, WHY’D THEY CHANGE THAT?? IM GLAD THEY DID BUT WHY??

Hmm.. let me think...

Captain Barnacles most likely doesn’t ever have uninterrupted free time, and even when he does, he probably still prefers to be up in HQ where anyone can find him if they need him. But lets say for the sake of it that he has some free time and he takes it. He’d probably either want to play his accordion, or want to read a book.

I feel like there’s a lot of different things Kwazii likes to do in his spare time, but goofing around in the Gup-B is probably his favorite.

Peso probably likes to do puzzles and play his xylophone.

Dashi probably reads books while listening to music. How she does both of these things at the same time I have no idea.

Tweak probably plays video games.

Professor Inkling and Shellington both probably read books in their free time.

I’m not too sure what the Vegimals would do in their free time though..

Oh yes, indeed it does. 

Before becoming the Captain of the Octonauts, Barnacles had to ask himself,  “Am I really ready to be their leader?” Can he handle managing a team of that size? Can he react to situations fast enough and make the right choices? He thought it through and believed that yes. He was ready.

But he wasn’t. He wasn't prepared for that gut wrenching anxiety when one crew member goes missing. He wasn't prepared for the crippling heat that most everywhere else has compared to his home. He wasn't prepared to become so attached to his crew that the thought of something happening to them keeps him awake for nights in a row. He wasn’t prepared for that overwhelming nausea of missing home and his sister. 

There was a lot he didn’t know. They’d all turn to him when something went wrong and ask if everything's going to be okay. He’d say “don’t worry, its all going to be okay.” but he’s just as unsure as everyone else.

Now don't get me wrong, he’s not this completely hopeless and unexperienced Captain that bit off more than he could chew, no. There’s just somethings he didn’t think about before becoming Captain of the Octonauts.

Now usually he can really keep himself composed almost always. He’s very level headed and very good at thinking his way through things, But sometimes? He just.. needs a break. He usually cant get a break because he’s the Captain and always needs to be alert, so everyone else that sees it usually tries to help.

Some crew members, like the Vegimals and Kwazii, have a habit of following the Captain around when they see that he’s tired to keep an eye on him. Others like Shellington and Dashi tend to give him space and keep things quiet for him. Some crew members, like Peso and Tweak tend to clean up around the place to take some weight off the Captains shoulders, they all help him out in some way.

Professor Inkling will sometimes find an excuse to pull him aside to have some tea with him. They’ll sit and talk for a bit but then he’s back up on his feet and back to work. This poor bear..

..hold on.. was this a drawing suggestion?

Dashi and Tweak would probably hang out in Dashi’s room and goof around. Not sure what they’d do.. maybe read, talk, play games or.. idk pillow fights? I don’t know what girls do on a girls night.

As for everyone else? I also am not sure, I don’t know what all those characters with all their clashing personalities would do on a boys night. Maybe they would all watch a movie? All attempt bake something obnoxious together? They seem like the kind of characters that would do that.

I’ve never been to a girls night or a guys night, so I don't really have much of a base to go off of.. but both groups would probably get together and do something they’d all enjoy. Guys maybe a funny movie, and the girls just talking and reading books? <:D 

For real that’d be hilarious. Imagine if their voices were deep and gruff too but they just make them sound high pitched for fun?

Dude that’d be so funny. Like Kwazii’s up to his shenanigans again blabbering on about some sea monster or what have you, and Tunip out of nowhere just goes,

“Kwazii legit stop, we all know that you’re just talking about some ordinary sea creature that pirates interpreted as a sea monster.“

The whole crew gon be like

If this game existed in their world and they all played it.....

Captain Barnacles would make it through a pacifist run and would be satisfied. He’s some kind of weirdo who doesn’t think of characters as real people and doesn’t obsess over them and cry about them. Overall he thinks the game is pretty neat, but probably not his type of game.

Kwazii would want to test his skills by attempting a genocide, but his heart of gold would get in the way and he wouldn’t be able to complete it. He’d feel terrible for killing goat mom, reset and go hard pacifist next round. Overall he thinks the game is awesome.

Peso would want to talk to every character so they’d all be included in the story. He’d go full pacifist and cry over the story and its characters. Overall 10/10 for him.

Dashi would probably cry over the game a lot and would never attempt a genocide run because the characters are now her family.

Shellington would hate the fighting parts so would delay those bits by walking around and talking to characters over and over again.

Tweak would go through a neutral run because she sometimes accidently kills weaker monsters. Overall she loves the story and its characters, 10/10 would play again.

Professor Inkling would become invested in the story I bet. Complimenting the story arcs for the characters and its creative game play. But I feel like he’d only play it once and probably wouldn’t beat it, but would have fun with it none the less.

Thank you!!!♡♡♡ Man, I never expected such a positive response to switching to Octonauts, I cant believe everyone is so excited about it! I’m so glad you like my Octonauts art, that really makes me feel better and like what I’m drawing is worth while. ɷ◡ɷ

Aww I’m glad! And oh yeah, the animals at the end were always scary. Remember the Boo the spookfish?

Boo was a cute little googly eyed fishy boi who was just so sweet and somft until the creATURE REPORT AND I-

THAT’S MY QUE TO YEET THE COMPUTER

Dawww thank you!! I tried. <:}

[rainbat]

Hello! Welcome to another fic cos this is what i do when im stressed.

Thanks so much to @ccmuffin for the outline and picture for this fic here !! I hope this is (kinda) what you wanted. I tried to stick to the outline as close as possible but I had to tweak a few things. Enjoy!

Cyrus closes his locker and spots TJ walking down the hallway, straight toward him. He smiles and waves as the boy approaches. “Hi T—”

“—Where were you last night?” TJ interrupts. “We had plans, remember? My house? Dinosaur documentary? My biology assignment?”

Cyrus’ face fell. “Oh my god, I totally forgot! I’m so sorry, TJ! I ended up doing something with my mom and it completely slipped my mind. I can come over after school? I promise I won’t forget. Can I meet you here? Three o’clock?”

“I wasted two hours waiting for you. You couldn’t send me a text?”

“I’m an idiot, I know. I feel awful and I really do want to help you. Please, let me make it up to you.” Just as TJ was about to answer, the reason for all Cyrus’ problems at that moment walked up to them.

“Hey, Cyrus! I’m so glad I have a friendly face at this school,” the blond boy said. “Did you have fun last night?”

Cyrus shifted on his feet and looked to TJ and then back at the boy. “I—uh, yeah! It was…fun.”

“Cool!” The kid smiled. “Going to the principals office to pick up my schedule,” he explained, motioning down the hall. “I’ll see you around!”

Cyrus watched the kid leave and then slowly turned back to TJ. “TJ I—”

“You know what? I just remembered I have basketball after school tonight, so forget it.”

TJ turned to leave, but Cyrus stepped in front of him. “Forget it? Don’t you still need help?”

“I’m not completely stupid, Cyrus. I’ll figure it out on my own. I’ll ‘see you around’.” He pushed past Cyrus and down the hall, leaving Cyrus dumbstruck in the middle of the hallway.

Cyrus walked to the cafeteria at lunch time, hoping to talk to TJ about whatever it was that had happened that morning. Just as he entered the room, he was stopped by Dr. Metcalf. He smiled up at the principal and then attempted to swerve around him, but was stopped again.

“Mr. Goodman,” he greeted. “It’s come to my attention that you’ve become acquainted with our new student,” he gestured to the boy standing on his right: the boy from earlier. Cyrus nodded in response, his eyes drifting over to the kids now settling at the tables around them, trying to spot TJ. “Perfect! Then you won’t mind helping him around the rest of the afternoon?” Cyrus opened his mouth to reply but Metcalf didn’t give him the opportunity. “Great! Don’t let us down!” He left, abandoning the new kid with Cyrus.

“You alright?” The kid asked, noticing Cyrus searching for TJ.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just…” He trailed off, finally spotting TJ. The two of them locked eyes. TJ broke the contact and look to the kid next to Cyrus, then back. He looked lost… upset, annoyed maybe? Cyrus made a move to walk forward, but TJ moved faster. He picked up his stuff and walked away as fast as he could. Cyrus watched him go and then turned to the kid, still standing in front of him. He sighed. “I can show you how to open your locker?” He offered.

———

Cyrus hadn’t seen TJ for a few days. The fact that the two didn’t share any classes really didn’t help his case. How was he supposed to reconcile with someone who was ignoring you at all costs? He couldn’t even figure out why. Yes, he had made a mistake. Forgetting plans with a friend was awful, but Andi and Buffy constantly forgot about plans he had made over the course of their friendship and he never held a grudge this long. Besides, he had explained the whole situation over text (even if TJ hadn’t responded).

He asked Buffy for advice on the third day of silence.

“And you’ve apologised?”

“Yes, Buffy! So many times! So many!”

Buffy frowned. “I don’t know what to say, Cyrus. I guess we know he takes things pretty personally. He got over his problems with me though, maybe just give him time?”

“I hate time,” Cyrus whined.

“It’s been three days, right?” Buffy asked. Cyrus nodded in response. “Then find him. I know he’s in school so it can’t be that hard.”

“Okay, I’ll try,” Cyrus replied. Buffy nodded and turned to walk to class, but she stopped.

“Cyrus?”

“Yeah?”

“Friends don’t get this hurt over forgetting plans. Friends don’t get jealous over other friends,” Buffy said.

Cyrus frowned, confused. “He’s definitely my friend, Buffy. We’ve never had any problems before this.”

“That’s not what I mean,” she clarified. “Think about it.” And with that, Buffy walked away, leaving Cyrus alone in the middle of the hallway for the second time that week.

———

Cyrus caught up with Jonah in the hallway the next period.

“Cy-Guy! What’s up?”

“Do you know what class TJ has next?” He asked.

“Yeah! We actually have math together right now, why?” Cyrus let out a breath of relief, he could finally see the boy.

“I just need to talk to him,” Cyrus explained.

“Alright! Should I tell him to wait for you after class?”

“No!” Cyrus yelped. Jonah jumped slightly and Cyrus apologised. “Not necessary, I’ll just catch him outside the room. 213, right?”

Jonah nodded, “You got it.”

———

When the bell rang, Cyrus sprinted to 213, absolutely making sure he wasn’t going to miss the boy exiting. Instead of TJ, he was met with Jonah again.

“He wasn’t in class,” Jonah revealed, “Sorry.”

Cyrus’ heart sunk. What was he going to do?

He was too anxious to go to the cafeteria, he didn’t want to talk to anyone. The thought of loosing TJ from his life was something he hadn’t ever expected to predict, and it hurt like hell. He made his way down to the park next to the school, hoping the time away might do him some good. What he hadn’t expected was seeing TJ, right there in a swing, kicking at the dirt.

TJ looked up at that moment, obviously sensing someone near. The second he met Cyrus’ eyes, he attempted to bolt.

“TJ, please!” Cyrus begged. “I want to talk to you! You can’t avoid me forever.”

TJ sighed and let himself fall back down into the swing he was attempting to abandon.

Cyrus took a deep breath. “You know I’m sorry, right? I’ve said it about a million times and I don’t know what else to do!” TJ didn’t look up at him but Cyrus continued, “You got my text, right? It was a neighbourhood party, my mom had to practically drag me there.” Silence. “He’s boring, that guy. I was only with him that day because I was assigned to show him around.” TJ kicked at the dirt again. “Please? Please talk to me? You know I can’t stand the silent treatment…Please TJ, don’t be mad at me. I miss you.”

TJ sighed and finally looked up. “I’m not mad at you, Cyrus. That’s not why I’m ignoring you. I don’t know whats wrong with me.” He kicked at the dirt, hard. “I feel like I can’t be in the same room as you. I feel…weird.” He let out a shaky breath. “I just…I saw you with that guy, saw that you chose him over me, and something in me snapped. I’ve never felt like this before it’s…awful…”

TJ looked back down at the ground, falling silent.

“I know exactly how you feel, TJ,” Cyrus whispered.

“You don’t, Underdog. I promise you, you don’t. It’s like I’m going crazy just being around you. I don’t want you to talk to anyone else, I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” He sighed. “I am, I’m going crazy.”

“You’re not going crazy, TJ.”

“Cyrus.” He stated, locking eyes with him. “I like you. Too much. I think…I think I have feelings for you and not…” He visibly swallowed and looked down. “Friend feelings.”

Cyrus stepped directly in front of the boy, wrapping his hands around the chains on the swing. “You’re not going crazy, you aren’t crazy,” he pressed. “I think I like you too."

Thanks so much for reading! As always, i post my tumblr drabbles/fics on Ao3 (x) so if you liked this one and wanna make me happy give me a view or a kudos or a comment and ill love you

(also if you’ve ever read any of my tyrus fics i always have to make buffy the one that is aware of TJs crush before anyone else and im not even sorry lol it’s always gonna be a thing until we have canon crush scenes alright peace ✌️)

[sciencography]

Long overdue update!!

At long last the much promised and oft delayed blog post update that I've been promising off and on for MONTHS. Going to cover a huge range of topics here, therefore nothing that I cover will get extensive depth or attention. Will cover the App Store status, nControl, chimeraTV, electraTV, uicache / ldrestart recent changes / snafu, DalesDeadBug update, cycripter and any known issues that are occuring with any of the above. Will also include a link to a handy tutorial for saving OTA blobs for the 4K AppleTV, just in case we find a way to make them useful!

Saving 4K OTA blobs covered by idownloadblog:

nitoTV App Store

This is several months behind schedule, and at this point its pretty much entirely my fault. I still need to do some payment processing work on the amazon front regarding declined cards / failed payments, etc. Im going to be looking into this immediately after i finish writing this post. 

If you hadn't noticed the new nito.tv website launched at the same time chimera(TV) did. You may have also noticed a beta code for people to help beta test it before i finally launch it, there is no way to get this code yet, not until i finish the payment work I mentioned above. Off the top of my head, this is the only thing holding us back anymore. 

nControl

Obviously nControl was released a few months ago, to resoundingly positive response (thank you!) It's available on chariz repo for 10$ and is currently my only source of income, so all purchases are greatly appreciated! If you need any additional details about nControl in general I kindly redirect you to the exhaustively documented wiki page that I maintain on the subject: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/nControl

The tvOS version is only available through patreon and i'd actually prefer that people no longer go that route, patreon makes it WAY too much effort to get the money they owe you so I massively regret doing that in the first place, just didn't want to launch iOS and tvOS separetely and honestly thought the store would wrap up shortly thereafter.

chimeraTV

For the first time (potentially ever) the tvOS jailbreak was released in tandem with the iOS version of the Electra Teams *OS 12 jailbreak. This was a momentus occasion and was a large source of me being delayed from focusing on completing the nitoTV App Store. Its a rock solid jailbreak (especially with latest release) and I'm quite proud to maintain the tvOS version of it. It covers 12.0 - > 12.1.1 on tvOS, this is due to the fact the Apple staggers version numbers between iOS and tvOS for some unknown and maddening reason. For instance (12.1.2 on iOS == 12.1.1 on tvOS). It drives me just as mad as it does the rest of you, but it's been like that since the beginning of ARM based AppleTVs (send gen +) So I doubt it will ever change.

Candidly it was a bit of a challenge to get AppleBetas awesome UI to cooperate on tvOS but i'm glad iIforced myself to use the same code as much as possible (lots of ifdefs), since its written in Swift you can imagine the fight I put up to avoid using the same code base for the UI stuff. Eventually I acquiesced (yes I do make concessions!)

electraTV

Wow it's really been a long time since i've updated this blog (sorry!) electraTV was released several months before chimera (well the initial versions were, the 11.4.1 iteration wasn't THAT long ago) The electra jailbreak covers ALL versions of 11 (11.0->11.4.1) In its latest jailbreakd2 based iteration it is incredibly stable and reliable. Not much else to say about it!

uicache / ldrestart changes

I wasted most of last week fighting against issues with ldrestart. If you aren't familiar with ldrestart it is responsible for running after jailbreaking or loading any new Tweaks to make sure anything they may inject into gets restarted. With the older version of jailbreakd (in backr00m & versions of electraTV that supported 11.2.1->11.3, but not 11.4.1) couldn't handle the speed at which all the daemons get reloaded by ldrestart, this would lead to a lockup that would result in the system eventually rebooting (after being locked up for several minutes).

ldrestart has actually always been an issue, even when i used a kpp bypass in greeng0blin (Im fairly certain thats accurate!) So as a workaround i used to 'killall -9 backboardd' That would respring enough different things (PineBoard, HeadBoard et al) that i would be sufficient for the things i most commonly injected. Obviously this is a hacky stopgap, and uicache used to also kill a variety of other processes to cover them as well (lsd, appstored, etc) to help cover things like DalesDeadBug. 

After coolstar re-wrote uikitools (including uicache) i decided it was probably a good time for me to take a look at uicache again. If you want to know how much of a hassle and challenge uicache was in the earlier days (pre APFS) read some of the older posts on this blog. It's history is covered ad naeuseum.

Since we no longer need to load from /var/mobile/Applications, a lot of the extra hurdles in uicache have ceased to be necessary, essentially all that is really needed is [[LSApplicationWorkspace defaultWorkspace] _LSPrivateRebuildApplicationDatabasesForSystemApps:YES internal:YES user:NO]; + tweak to force App states to return TRUE for isEnabled. 

In the course of thinning down uicache I decided it'd be a good time to try and get ldrestart working on tvOS. After battling with it off an on all last week I came up with something that appeared to work pretty consistently on tvOS 12. Instead of being thorough and testing on 10.2.2->11.4.1 as well I hastily released it. This lead some people to get stuck in respring loops / lockups that eventually restarted the device. This was due to the fact that uicache:restart in postinst scripts would trigger ldrestart instead of uicache in nitoTV. 

In the older version of uicache there was an issue that existed once our new apps were loaded in the UI, a respring was never "required" but if it didn't occur all applications would exhibit weird behavior where they wouldnt launch, or wouldnt exit once launched, etc, to "fix" that I made it always kill backboardd as a compromise. Since this was also no longer necessary I made uicache killing backboardd "optional" by appending -r. Lack of forsite here, the old nitoTV wouldn't know backboardd wouldn't respring anymore, nor to run ldrestart when finish:restart was received, this lead to people getting stuck with a red progress indicator forever when trying to update to latest (at the time) version of nitoTV.

Due to the depth and gravity of the issue I sidelined getting ldrestart working in backr00m (one of the only places it has show stopping issues still) I reverted to uicache always respringing until I have time to revisit the issue.

In conjunction with deciding I was pouring too much time into this issue Chimera 1.0.6 was released the other night with massive stability improvements. Libtakeover & related injection was stripped out into inject_criticald  which provided massively stability improvements for the jailbreak, this made focusing on getting that out a few hours after the iOS release a very high priority.

The big takeaway from all of this:

* uicache run by itself (no arguments) is sufficient to gets apps loaded / removed after installing them into /Applications.

* ldrestart is part of uikittools on tvOS now and should be safe to run on latest electraTV release and chimeraTV release, but won't work at all on backr00m.

if you have installed a tweak and it doesnt seem to be working, try running ldrestart, it should help.

sleepy/wake

Part of the uicache update came the addition of 'sleepy' and 'wake' binaries. Use them from the command line to sleep or wake your AppleTV.

DalesDeadBug

This was recently updated to spoof newer versions, if you can't seem to get it working after installing it, prime candidate to run ldrestart after installing or making changes to that don't seem to be propogating. It works to get SteamLink installed on tvOS 10.2.2, but crashes immediately, not sure if im going to be able to fix it. It won't be possible to make that a priority (I looked into it briefly, thats the best I can do for now). 

If you need more info on what DalesDeadBug does, please read the wiki page: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/DalesDeadBug

Cycripter

If you didn't notice, yesterday I decided to take one more brief detour to rectify a glaring deficiency in recent jailbreaks, inability to use cycript. I might have my differences with saurik recently, but this is still one of the most amazing projects he ever undertook and gifted to us. 

cycripter / CycriptLoader.dylib have been updated and open sourced to make it easier to use cycript on iOS or tvOS. All details necessary can be viewed on the wiki and the git.nito.tv repo. 

More Details: https://wiki.awkwardtv.org/wiki/Cycript

Known Issues

I havent kept a very exhaustive list of these, so I'm only going to cover two that I can think of right now.

* Infuse doesn't work on chimeraTV. 

Try launching infuse before running the jailbreak (so if you are currently in a jailbroken state, reboot first) 

if you run the jailbreak after Infuse has already been open it will work. I don't think it is necessarily any jailbreak detection, but it may be some kind of a protecetion from code injection, im honestly not sure.

* Music app doesn't work

Try updating to the latest version of chimeraTV on https://chimera.sh it didn't work in the prior version for me either, but after the latest install it started working.

Wrap-up

That's it for now, my core focus after this post is going to be to wrap up work on my long delayed tvOS App Store. I really hope to get it wrapped up this week or next. Stay tuned! And if you made it down this far, thanks!!

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

I finished!!! game time was like something like 138 hours but I spent a good dozen or so hours pausing the game to check my phone or wandering off to make dinner. 

I this said last night in a sleepy 4am haze, but I really enjoyed the ending. It was fun to play. The only time I died was when I accidentally fell into a chasm bc I didn’t realize a goddamn fiend was gonna come barreling out of the hall and ruin my “melee everything” scheme and I scooted myself right off a dang platform and respawned directly in its mouth. Whoops. When the Archon called up the Architect I was very Oh god not another one but then I didn’t have to actually try to kill it ever just avoid it, so that was fine. I LOVED how everyone came out to help at the end. It always seems unbelievable to me that your pals are content to hang back for the boss fight (ME2 I thought did well with having everyone else away on different tasks, and the ME3 citadel mission where everyone goes together is one of my favorite parts of the trilogy). And getting to run around with Kandros (who i love but duty calls and we can never be together) and Reyes (im still Very Sad i had to break up with him) and the Salarians!! and then your team coming in at the end :333 ah. It was a very feel-good, exciting culmination, and I think it fit the tone of the rest of the story well. Part of me was half-expecting disaster like you have to sacrifice Scott or a bunch of citizens or something, and while I eat that sort of tragedy up, I’m glad there wasn’t any for this game. 

Incidentally, all of my screenshots of Scott somehow turned out like this, and so I’ve decided this is a chronic problem his whole life and he has 0 good photos ever even when the rest of the fam comes out lookin great:

ah, Scott. someday i’ll play as him with this Ryder as his sister and it’s gonna have to be a wild ride.

Romance: I romanced Vetra!! I love her a lot as a character but I just kept wishing for more content. And I know I always crave more romancey content but I did feel like her romance arc had a lot less than what I knew people were getting from Jaal’s, especially because it takes you over halfway into the game before you get anything from it. Four flirt opportunities where she doesn’t really flirt back, my Ryder was dying and convinced her crush would never be reciprocated (hence the brief fling with Reyes). But I did LOVE the scenes you do finally get with her, the climbing date was soooo sweet, and I could not stop laughing when she tries to make you dinner. I’m never telling my beautiful girlfriend she doesn’t know how to cook steak. NEVER. she did it perfectly, i love cow. But I just wish there was a scene where YOU could do something for HER. Lexi even tells you that you should show her she’s appreciated and doesn’t have to take care of everyone all the time to be worthy of being liked but then you... never get a chance in game to really do that. Sigh. I definitely have a lot of inner-headcanoning going on for thier relationship. Though Vetra wants to eventually settle down and have a home and i’m... not so sure that’s in the cards for this Ryder. I may tweak the characterization of my Vetra-romance-ryder in some ways and redo this Ryder with Reyes for real next time. I think next up is gonna be a Jaal playthough though.

But, OVERWHELMINGLY, the relationship I was absolutely most fascinated by the whole game and spent way more time thinking about than romance, was the relationship between Ryder and SAM. I went into endgame thinking that the game really hadn’t gotten into that aspect nearly as much as I wanted, AND THEN!!! SAM GETS DISCONNECTED! And it’s revealed they took over WAY more control of the Pathfinder’s physiology than anyone had even guessed!! it’s not just “SAM can take access of enough systems to stop and then restart your heart” it was “SAM is so intertwined with you that they are integrated into these systems already and their absence makes it almost impossible for the Pathfinder to cope without.” I LOVED IT. I was so ready to address that, like, did Ryder know? Did SAM do it by choice or was it just an effect of Alec’s modifications? 

And then... nothing. You’re linked back up with SAM. No one questions it. You don’t get to talk to Scott about how SAM is different for you than him now. Or at least, not that I’ve found??? to be fair I can’t seem to find Scott post-endgame yet (where is he hiding???? i’ve been all over Meridian after leaving/going back), and I still need to go check out the colonies and see what people there have to say. But it really seems like everyone sort of was like “whew, glad that’s sorted out, SAM’s back and htis could never possibly be an issue again so we will all forget about it and never bring it up again.” There was one colonist before (Fawkes) who was one of the only non-main characters to ask a really detailed question about SAM/what the future of AI is gonna look like in Heleus and I was so psyched for that convo. There’s a couple dialogue responses you can take, I went with:

becuase I really like the idea that Ryder starts to think of themselves as not just Ryder, but a Ryder-And-SAM partnership. There’s a lot of sacrifice in that. You’re admitting that your body is not just You anymore, but a team where both sides are valued.

I’ve spent a lot of the game thinking about Ryder’s internal dialogues with SAM, and the dynamic it would add to their relationship. You don’t have a voice that lives inside your head (and gives you its 100% undivided attention while you’re in the field) and not end up talking to it all the time. SAM asks you questions back on the Tempest when you talk to them and I bet they would when out and about as well, just privately. There’s a line in one of the Vaults where Ryder starts talking to herself and then catches it--

--because she gets more and more accustomed to not being the only one in her head. SAM is always there. More than that, they always have your back, and are ready to feed you whatever you need to get the mission done. They’re not just a voice, they’re a tool; and they’re not just a tool, they’re a support system. Maybe Ryder knows just how intertwined SAM is becoming with theer body, and isn’t just aware, but welcomes it. The Ryders are a fucked up family who aren’t good at talking to each other, but SAM means you never have to be alone again. Someone is always there for you, protecting and watching out for you. 

So in the final mission, when SAM is ripped away from Ryder--it’s not just a physical effect. It’s like losing a part of your soul and a best friend and a, in some ways, a parent--because SAM learned through Alec Ryder before anyone else--and in other ways, a child--because Ryder is responsible for teaching SAM what it means to be a person and how to navigate the world. And I wish you could convey that emotional distress (even if less complex) in the game, and that Ryder was as worried for SAM’s well being as they are for Scott’s when they race to stop the Archon. Becuase in a lot of ways, I think my Ryder would have grown closer to same than she ever did with her brother.

Anyway, I wish the game hadaddressed these things more, but I also accept that like--this is a trope that I just am REALLY into and have been for ages. It’s not gonna be what everyone wants as the main focus, and it just wasn’t the big story they were trying to tell. At the beginning of the game the descriptions of SAM hyped me up so hard because they reminded me very strongly of my favorite short story, Silently And Very Fast by Catherynne Valente (which, if you haven’t read it, it’s really amazing and you can read the first part here (the other 3 parts are linked at the bottom of each chapter), or I can send a pdf of it if you want, it’s really good people read it please and then tell me about your Emotions). The story veered off not long into the plot of the game (I, along with many others, suspected for a while that SAM would turn out to be like the mother’s consciousness integrated into the AI or something) but I stayed pretty invested in it as a major part of my Ryder’s experience in Heleus. 

And like, I guess this would be something I’ll probably end up doing fic about now since the game didn’t give me as much as I wanted (and I only meant to write a short paragraph about it here and now i have like 9 whoops), so I’ll probably keep thinking about it with the rest of my Ryders. There’s so much potential there. Jade Ryder really grew attached to SAM, but there’s also potential for resentment there--SAM is always watching, Ryder essentially gives up any aspect of privacy in their life, even if SAM is polite enough not to comment on it.

wow this got away from me. anyway. that’s the game!!!!! i’m running around making sure i’ve talked to everyone still. I need to go check up on the colonies and stuff, but I did pretty much everything else before the last mission, so there’s not much to play. Just some assignments that don’t have navpoints. and then start thinking about my next Ryder!!! I played Jade Ryder as pretty logical and professional, with a tendency to open up more with people as she grew to know them better, though she struggled to be open/heartfelt when talking to Angara when her natural conversation style with them flopped hard at first. I think my next Ryder who I still need to name is gonna be way more casual/joke-y (tho i think Ryder is HILARIOUS no matter what, it’s so fun to have such a lighthearted protag) and probably more reckless and prone to following their whims. Gonna have to re-battle the CC though which I’m not so much looking forward to. 

oh also re: the second picture: i FUCKING LOVE that you beat the architect on Elaaden so hard it shoots itself into orbit and slowly decays and you can just sit there and watch it slowly fizzle in the cold vacuum of space

[wilsosa11]

The Present: My Struggle

I made the choice on the 1st of the year to start a life coaching program. I knew that I needed change in my life. Change that I could imagine, but I didn't know how to achieve the goals I wanted to set for myself. It just so happened that a former co-worker started her own Life Coaching business and needed some recruits. Nothing like perfect timing. I saw her post and immediately thought, "man, this is exactly what I need." I messaged her and hoped that it would work out. Just so happened it did. I filled out the questionnaire about the things I struggle with in life. What's "ugly" and "beautiful" about my life, as well as all the hard questions of figuring out what I really want out of my life. What I felt was missing, and why I want the change. It took me some time to answer the questions. A lot of personal thought and tears went into my responses. But I am so glad she asked me. No one ever really asked me what I wanted. It was a challenge, but something that proved to me that I was ready for this next life step. I was ready to become the person I wanted to, as well as figure out the missing pieces in my current life. Here are my answers: 1. What do you want to get out of coaching? Don’t be afraid to say the big goal or goals you are secretly hoping will happen. My biggest goal is to become proud of my life. There is a lot that I have accomplished even when I’ve hit set backs, but I haven’t reached that moment where I can say “man, I’ve done an awesome job”. There is this hope that I can become someone who is confident on the inside. Most people would assume that I am a really confident and strong person, however I have a lot of self doubt that I would love to overcome. 2. What are you loving about your life right now? What’s not so hot? I love how I have made decisions to cut out toxic people from my life. It was a big step for me. I’m really proud of myself for being able to stand up for myself. I love that I am finally working towards my career goal, but I don’t like the back lash I receive from my family that I am still in school. That is a very not so hot part of my life. Its always a battle between my family and I on how I should be living my life. It’s a huge struggle that I would like to except the fact that I cannot please everyone and I need to appreciate myself. 3. What are your super strong points? What do you think needs tweaking? I’m very outgoing, caring and independent. I think the stubbornness I have to succeed is both a strong and weak portion of my life. I put myself into really high standards, which when I don’t succeed or don’t succeed when I think I should, it puts me down. The saying that I am my own worst enemy is defiantly something I contribute to. I also believe that I am overly caring, there are times that I don't speak my mind when I really should. I just hate confrontation, so I try to just appease others even if it effects me. Holding grudges is an absolute weakness for me. I would love to be able to forgive, but I just have been hurt too many times to trust that said person won’t betray me again. 4. How do you take care of you? Umm… when I have the time, I like to treat myself for the day. I take a day to get my hair done, enjoy the outdoors, have a glass of wine while I enjoy a Netflix show. I am really bad at taking time away from work in order to take care of myself. Within the last month, I have been really stressed, so once a week I see a psychologist. I just found that I needed a neutral party in my life that was there to support me. My friends and family, more my family just have expectations that I struggle to uphold. She helps me by just listening. I don’t really need advice, but someone to just listen to me. 5. How does your inner voice sabotage you? I criticize myself, a lot. It’s a habit I want to quit. Wether it is about my weight, school or relationships I pity myself. I tell myself I can do better, I should do better, but I don’t hold up to the ideals I have in my head. Then my inner voice yells at myself that I should've done better. I have started catching myself in negative thoughts and I try to replace the negative thought with a positive one. But this is still a work in progress. 6. What talents do you have that you are not using right now? I think my ability to connect with people. I have trapped myself in a cycle of not opening up to others. I used to be this social butterfly, but with work and school, I have closed myself off to relationships. I think overall, I have a lot of potential that I am not using. I think my self-doubt limits me, and I would love to break that pattern 7. What’s missing from your life that you can’t let go of? The thing you want to have happen or keeps tugging at your heart; wanting you to acknowledge it and give it time and love. Someone to share life with. Relationships come and go in my life. Whether its friendships or romance. There is nothing I want more than to surround myself with people who are in it for the long run with me. I crave the positive energy and the love that has always walked away from me. 8. Is there anything you really want to tell me? A question or area you hope I won’t ask you about, but secretly, you want me to? Whats my biggest fear? That no one will be around to attend my funeral. I have watched so many people walk out of my life. I constantly worry that when it comes my time, that my lasting impression will be forgotten. I want to be remembered.. not like in a famous celebrity kind of way, but I want to be able to help someone. I want to give people something they need. I feel like that’s what life is all about. Being the person, that you needed in life. The biggest reason why I try not to judge people is because, I know how much judgement feels like. I know that if someone needs a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be that person. Reason being that I needed a shoulder and there wasn’t one around for me. I like giving people what they need because I know what its like to not have the reliability. I don’t ask for much in life, just honesty and respect. If I can give that to others..then my goal is accomplished. 9. How familiar are you with astrology? Have you ever heard of Saturn Return? I am not familiar at all. I could probably look it up, but I would rather you tell me about it. Listening is better than reading. 10. What questions do you have about your life and where it is going? What is my purpose? Where am I going? Will I ever know the answers? Probably not. I have aspirations sure, but the question is when does it all happen. Im hoping my life leads me to graduate school, veterinary school, my own large animal emergency hospital, a loving husband, kids (maybe 4—who knows), and lots of animals. I want to live a life surrounded by loving inspiring people. 11. How do you want to feel at the end of your coaching series? Dig in deep. Feel. I want to feel confident, self assured, and ready to take on tomorrow. I’m ready for the world to know ME. I feel like I have always been living the life everyone has lead me to be, but I want to live my life. I want to speak openly with myself. Stop hiding behind what I think everyone wants from me. After finishing my questionnaire, I knew that I was in the right mindset to get my life going. It filled me with this sense of excitement, wonder and a desire to become this person I have always dreamed about, but never had the guts to become. I am so excited to start my journey with Brittany. XOXO-- A struggle bus rider ---questions proposed by the brilliant Brittany Cochern