#im so grateful to you guys like without your help too id probably be anxiety-ing out even more (i was before T_T) which DOES increase pain

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

LET ME LOVE YOU!! ♡ ♡ XOXO

ヽ(；▽；)ノ First off, I just wanna SUPER thank from the bottom of my heart YET AGAIN for the kofis and all that good shit T_T A small handful of ya’ll paid for literally half my root canal, i want you to know, and that makes the overall burden so much smaller and like gives me the wiggle room to ‘make this work’ so to speak, like, the ultimate despair in trying to get my debt and life under control wasn’t for naught and i can work with this and just THANK YOU. You’ve given me financial relief AND actual hope over getting my life in order even with an emergency like this bullshit, and that wouldn’t be possible without you guys and I’m so so grateful and I know I keep just repeating the same words but i really wanna get home how much genuine gratitude i have, thank you SO much. You guys have got the biggest, most generous hearts and just HOLY FUCK (especially the morning of the procedure btw... you know who you are and what you did <3<3).

I was able to get the cash discount for the root canal too! It ultimately put the money back in my pocket to actually pay them with, and directly because of you guys, the crown I need afterwards isn’t going to fuck me now with the overall expenses reduced because of that discount (again, directly because of you; i wasn’t able to do that without) and like, I can manage all of this now if I’m really really careful financially, which like i was ready to throw the towel in before on life at this point, so thank you AGAIN you don’t know how far beyond just like a bill payment this is. It’s actually having a positive snowball effect on my overall life like this is HUGE so thank you (ˊ̥̥̥̥̥ ³ ˋ̥̥̥̥̥) ♡

^me on my way after procedure to action-hug the FUCK out of you sweethearts xD

AAAAND the update on the actual procedure itself is under the cut (i dont think im graphic but if you dont like needles maybe dont read haha). They couldn’t get me numb, so i’m going back monday morning x_x

So I only got ‘half’ the root canal done yesterday. She reached the maximum amount of anesthetic she’d give me and still could NOT get me numb. The worst part isn’t the crying in the chair from the panic attack from the intense pain, or even the pain itself, but the fact that I think she thinks that this is all anxiety-related (i disclosed my panic disorder and how nervous i was over the procedure within my forms, and during it she asked several times ‘oh did it scare you?’ cuz you know... vibrations and stuff, which can be scary, and i was like NO i can FEEL the drill on the fucking PULP CHAMBER i am in PAIN) and i think she thinks everything is me being scared due to my panic disorder? Which is stupid because i actually like shots (i know weird af hahaha) and im not scared of the drill (i was actually hella excited to get the root canal if only because it would mean an end to the very-real pain i’m in). My anxiety over this is also founded in very-real concern of the fact that my own dentist could not get this tooth numb before, and she couldn’t either.

So i go back monday morning, i am TERRIFIED she won’t be able to get me numb again and/or will try to drill me ‘fast’ because we had a window of like 2 minutes before it wore off on me and im scared to death about going back i’ve been having panic attacks since yesterday over it. Like, you know how you lay back in the dentist’s chair when they’re working, right? well i had a KNEE up at one point, an arm out to try and signal and get her attention, and i jerked hard three times before she finally let up (like REALLY? are you gonna keep drilling when the patient is clearly in distress??) SOooo i have some serious trepidation about going back, and my dad is gonna take me back next time and drive me, and i’m just terrified they aren’t going to take me seriously and like i feel i NEVER should have disclosed my panic disorder to them because now they think im over reacting or some shit when this is founded in the pain of feeling everything.

So. That really sucks. I called my dentist and cried over the phone about it too, so hopefully they’ll talk idk. The endodontist prescribed halcion and a valium for the night before (wtf this is NOT anxiety related, its anesthetic-immunity related) so i also called their office to say HEY im not anxious, this is pain-related, i CANNOT get numb.

So like, i’ll keep everyone updated on the horror show of fuckery that is my mouth T_T i’m not even done with my antibiotics yet and she said i had what they called a ‘hot tooth’ >:| like YEAH my entire fucking jaw and face and everything is in PAIN. This is some 7th cranial nerve shit I felt every shot after being ‘numbed’. She was able to break through the enamel to get to the pulp chamber and inject anesthetic directly into the tooth (THAT hurt like a goddamn bitch and didn’t numb either) and then inject medicine into the tooth (that supposedly dissolves flesh/pulp? idk i dont fully recall, i was in the grips of a panic attack as she was telling me) and put a temporary filling in so like, i am PRAYING it goes fine on monday. If she reaches the max dose again and can’t get me numb then im just gonna go to fucking pieces again. *knock on wood* let’s hope it doesnt happen.

The crappiest thing about this is, this is not my first root canal, and every other time it’s been pleasant and not at all an awful experience and just fine, and thinking about that too i kind of cry again because i have to go back and subject myself to the pain again and let me tell you, when you’re hurt somewhere that you can’t touch-- like hitting your pinky toe on an edge or hitting your funny bone, like that HURTS but you can still touch it if you want- but with this, all you can do is shake because the pain is so bad you’ve never experienced such an unbearable feeling before and you can’t even cry its so intense. So yeah, i’m not looking forward to that again, and the thrashing around i did in the chair was BEYOND minimal for what i was experiencing (because i have a very high pain tolerance and im also trying to be a ‘good’ patient’) soooo Pray. For. Mojo.