#im so sick of being an enigma but i literally dont know what else to do
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well well well if it isnt the hindsightly predictable consequences of my own actions
#they should invent a me thats normal#ignore this one please i need to go insane in the tags on my own for a second#theres so much to explain! and i realize that it all sounds insane but its still affecting me#i hate being so avoidant and emotionally unavailable that im fully willing to jeapordize one of the most important relationships in my life#i hate taking the easy way out all the time#i cant believe the lengths im willing to go to and the things im able to convince myself of to avoid being known#i hate being like this im supposed to be the one that sucks it up and just listens to other peoples issues cause i hate talking about mine#i dont know why i cant just ignore things like i used to#if this had happened a year ago i couldve told myself it didnt bother me and that wouldve been the end of it#anytime i even think about sharing or where to start i give up practically immediately and go to the next extreme#im so sick of being an enigma but i literally dont know what else to do#ive built my entire identity around the fact that i know exactly what to do or say to make people like me#because i cant function without that level of control#i hate everything about this#i hate that its my fault exclusively#im so fucking sick of myself its a miracle im able to lie to people so well so they dont hate me too lmao#im so tired of being who i am#but being envious is just another thing that furthered this so i guess i cant comfortably feel anything without hating myself about it#what am i even supposed to say#if i do have to explain myself#how do i explain everything#how do i explain all of this to someone who thinks im relatively sane#all this is going to just land me exactly where i dreaded being in the first place#clinging desperately onto someone who just cant wait to get rid of me#i wish i could even cry about this but im so unbelievably numb to myself that even through all of this ive remained completely stone faced#i feel like a monster#im so tired
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