#im so tired though all i want to do is sleep
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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semester is almost over. im dying
#my oc#rune#mori#i have a project due tomorrow and its finally scared me back into drawing#even though i should be working on this project but im SO SO SO TIRED#i went on an outing like 2 weeks ago the same week that i walked everywhere cause i was desperately#trying to get my taxes done but thats a different story but the point is i was walking a lot and i went on an outing where i stood all day#and then i had to go to class the very next day thinking i was fine but i wasnt.#and that same day after i walked across the city because i absolutely had to pick a thing up. i think the same week i met up with my mom#a couple of times but i was walking the whole way there. my point is that for 2 weeks straight i have been rigorously walking everywhere#and on my feet all the time with little breaks in between and my feet fucking hurt man#i need this semester to be OVER i need to sleep for a MONTH#but i cant because i have to scrape together SOME of this project and finals are next week#this class this project is for fucking sucks. all semester ive been teetering the line between pass and fail#and its not even my fucking fault. im so burnt out so i dont want to do this project. but i might fail if i dont#i need to at least demo it but i have like. one thing done and i dunno what to tell my TA about i#how do i tell my TA and prof that everything is too much for me so i absolutely could work on this project#my laptop is broken so im afraid to use it. the server kept going down last month so i was afraid to use that#so many stupid little things keep piling up and i'd sound really weird trying to explain why i cant do my work#because my desk is on the floor and it makes me really sad so no i cant do my hw. my fave candy has red40 in it so i had to stop eating it#but now i cant do my work because i was using it to help me focus on my hw. LIFE SUCKS BRO#anyway whatever happens. i cant wait to play video games again
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#im getting treatment and caring for myself so i will be fine don't worry#but i woke up this morning with bilateral back pain so the uti got worse overnight#because i couldn't get the antibiotics until this afternoon#so im still in pain and today was awful for other stupid reasons and im exhausted but also so upset at the idea of sleeping#i had a dozen mandatory things to do today and so i had to cancel the one thing i REALLY wanted to do (TTRPG group) because i was too tired#and roleplaying takes effort and we are about to roll initiative#so I had to do all the bad shit and cancel the good shit so nothing good at all happened today#so i do not want to go to sleep#but im too tired to even work on a puzzle because sitting up hurts marginally more#tomorrow will be better though so i guess there's a good reason to go to sleep#ughhhhh#rambling again
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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(venting in the tags ignore this lol)
#minhmy.rambles#(i just need to shout this somewhere where my friends don't see so they don't worry too much about me)#but oh my god work just got worse for this week im already working every day but tomorrow (aka in six and a half hours)#i will start at 5am and end at 9pm aka a double shift bc my coworker tested positive and there's no one else that can work#just for tomorrow but the rest of the week ill be working 1-9#which i hate even though im used to it night shifts are just boringgggg and takes up a lot of my time#which i already have so little of#my mom said i should clean my closet and i was going to tomorrow bc i wanted to play grandfest today but now i cant do that#bc ill literally be at work all day lol#and god its just so hard its so so hard but it could be worse. it literally could be worse#i cant be here as much anymore bc im so busy and tired i just draw when i can and drop them all here and leave#and i miss writing a lot but i have even less time and even less motivation and the more i work the more awful i feel#and i don't want to worry anyone like . i just don't#but its so difficult for me it really is#theres so many things i want to do but i cant do any of it and im so tired im literally so tired#like im not gonna end my life kinda tired i have a lot to look forward to. but work just really sucks and i am Tired#and i Like my job its literally the easiest and ill never have something like this again#but urghghghh. urggfhhghgh. death pain and suffering#if i draw more sif and loop suffering lol. this is why. i need to get the emotions out somehow and i don't want to cry over it#i cant cry bc i need to work i just have to keep my head up i just have to keep at it i just have to be strong and not break#i can do it i can.. i know i can i've been through worse#its just. augh.#ok done. sorry i rly rly should sleep soon bc of my 16 hour shift tmrw lol its past 10:30pm already
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the rotting in my room feeling is off the charts tonight 🙃
#i can’t sleep im overthinking#it all stems from living at home and feeling a little bit like a dog on a short leash#even though i can do whatever i want and go wherever i want at anytime#but at the same time i can’t#i know when i wake up in a few hours i’ll feel a bit better but im so tired of still feeling like this#my rambles
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I need my hair to dry so I can go to bed and not wake up with one half looking like i ran a flat iron over it 400 times on max heat and the other side being curly in ways that shouldn't be possible
#please im so tired i just want to sleep#i ran out of beads i have to go to the store tomorrow#i ransacked my room again looking for the miscellaneous bead bag and i still couldnt find it#rip miscellaneous bead bag#ykw i wish? i wish that in greys anatomy Addison and Meredith became bffs and dumped shepard together#they deserve so much better than him he clearly doesnt respect them as people and oh my god#hes so fucking full of himself#he'd fuck his own clone istg#ok but like lets be honest i think a lot of people would do that#not me though im like the biggest fearer of clones#idk just the idea of clones freaks me out do bad if i ever met my clone id kill her#and they'd probs try to kill me too but yk#i have to prove im the better of the two of us#so id win out of pure desperation#probably#but yeah hed fuck himself if he could#all day#christina was so real for “hes not the sun”#SHE KNEW WHAT WAS UP#AND THEN HIM TRYING TO SAY THAT HIS JOB WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MEREDITHS AND THAT SHE SHOULD JUST UPROOT HER ENTIRE LIFE AND LEAVE HER JOB#JUST FOR HIS#GO FUCK YOURSELF FOR THAT ACTUALLY DEREK#YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE
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Second day of running off of coffee and spite only
#this week of camp is always the busiest. i have something that goes late into the night every night#im exhausted and want to spend time with friends and other people#especially because this is my last year. but its fine!#theyre good and important things that i love im just tired#tonight im telling the pegend of our camp's beginnings#i used to tell it and then passed it on to someone#but since this is my last year he asked if i want to do it one last time#and i really fucking do. so ive been practicing and im excited but its also bittersweet and kinda difficult#idk. the woman that passed it on to me was super important to me but is now no longer in my life#so im feeling some weird things about that#also tomorrow is Christmas in July (a secret santa we do with staff) and im so fucking excited#x in j is my favorite holiday ever in the world#and i have a good friend of mine. i just hope the person that has me actually cares#its my last year at camp and i just really want a nice x in j as my last#im so tired i resorted to the black coffee in the dining hall. i drank it so fast#i wiuld love to go to sleep but after i tell the legend tonight i have to work on x inj#and i love to procrastinate so i cant work on it until my gf comes back to camp with the materials that i need#(im just gonna vent now. even though thats all ive been doing)#its my last year and im so burnt out but i love it here so its hard#and everyone keeps trying to convince me to come back next year. its hard. its not easy. im tired and want to go home#but i also want to be here and i want to be enjoying myself here and i wish i ciuld come back forever#but also coming back forever sounds like hell#im just tired and wanted to yap idk goodbye
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oh my god it is actually so bad today
#my chest hurts help gelp me dear god#the tiktoks are NOT helping what#imma try to draw for a bit maybe it will help i dont know#if it doesnt ill try to go to sleep on this bed that im too scared to fully sit on bc of the previous post#if that doesnt work i guesss ill just die i dont fuckin know#god i just dont want to do this shit anymore#im tired of wanting to cry but being physically unable to#its almost time to take my meds though maybe that will help#it wont but hopes all i got rn#god i hope it helps my head hurts now#and i have FUCKING SCHOOL TOMMORROW#AND TYPING ON THIS SMALL ASS PHONE KEYBOARD IS PISSING ME OFF NGL#i wanna break something so bad ughhghhg#personal post im sorry it wont happen agian#i prolly sound so cringy rn#vent tw
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im thinking again
#ive been dealt the bad hand; the worse hand; the hand from the arm from the body#im just.....okay#Well aaaa its weird#nothing anyone says to me is to *me*#which is fair-- no one knows me. but i do wish i got it. i dont know#the passing of time is still my worst enemy#i love everyone so much. itssssssweird.#if youre following these posts and saw the last one: i think i am still gonna die soon. awwh man. i dunno#but i have no reason to go on truthfully and i dont feel like finding one#im tired and sad OK?#i do want an acknowledgement again#and if you're following these posts im going to do the same thing i did last time and talk to the three tumblr blogs:#1. hi. i really like you. i admit it. j think youre really cool and all. uh okay im supposed to ask a question so here; how are you? well i#hope. k dont know. i havent been reading up like i should be and as for the second blog im talking to here i also havent been reading up lik#e i should im very sorry. i will make that journal again though.#and third blog: hi!! i still have no clue how to do that one thing but youve really gotten me into the hypothetical idea of differences base#f off of like ...area. the thing you said about that one thing.! i javwnt been doing much about it but thinkin but you know thinkin is fun.#i do want to do reading on it but ive been very sad lately and i cannot be bothered#this is really fun talking to people like this. um#youre very cool blog one ive been becoming a big fan of you again#blog two.if you see this: i want you-- I'm sayin that to specify that I'm talking to you. but i dont. anyway: uh. oh no i forgot what i was#gonna say#okay here's to not talking to anyone particular:#i want to do drugs. its the only way ill be able to handle all this.but i... oh hey i have melatonin!!#hmmmmmm#idk#it just puts me to sleep and i hate sleeping cause im always having bad dreams-- both nightmares and just dreams that Suck-- but...... im#desperate.#okay im gonna take a normal dose and just keep it together i hope#I hate sleeping
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Guess who fucked her wrists up during work because he refused to go on a single break because he felt like that's the only way to prove she's not useless since her autism stops her from doing anything a person his age "should" do
#its me. if you couldn't guess#i did that#i didnt do any actual damage to my wrists but they are in pain and i can already feel that its gonna get worse#and ill probably have an awful time trying to sleep because of it#and look.#i know that im not useless#i know that prople who have similar or bigger struggles aremt useless either#i dont believe that anyone's worth depends on having a job or being productive or whatever#i do know that#but sometimes even when you know something you dont feel it#yknow what i mean#and this blueberry plantation is the only job i can have right now#im not built for a dayjob but im able to work for a few hours with saplings every now and then#though that is. very physically tiring#which is also extra frustrating to me as a young person#because the other older ladies at the job always make me feel like im not allowed to be tired or in pain because im young#so i never say that im tired until im alone w my mom#and i want to prove that im not a useless parasite. i can do some work. so i might as well give my all#and dont take any breaks#im not trying to excuse hurting myself#but you know. its hard to think straight and respect myself sometimes#sometimes its easier to hurt myself in ways that make other people think good of me#im treating myself to some snacks now tho#gonna go buy myself some chips and smoke s cigarette and watch silly videos and play games and go to bed#and yes i know that being kind to myself after i was cruel to myself doesnt fix that#i shouldn't have the mindset of#yeah im being unnecessarily cruel to myself but at least im gonna reward myself later :)#but y'know what can you do#(go to therapy i should go to therapy)#bee buzz
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Well, one year to go
#well at least im trying for that#ive scheduled round two for alaska and hopefully i see the lights this time#and my second favorite band announced yesterday they're coming here with guess who? another of my favorite bands#(blackbriar and battle beast may 2024)#i literally said the other day id be happy if i got to see them and now they're coming! can you believe it#but im tired...my health has plummeted and i am not doing well#im not going to last#ive just got to hold out for these last bucket list items#so im trying for the auora again in september around the equinox#ugh it's so bad im hooked up to shit all day now and constantly have to monitor tachycardia for instance#im exhausted. i can barely breathe. it hurts so much. i never stop shaking and spasming now#but hey ive started playing dnd...finally found a group. so that's crossed off my list too and it's been very fun so far#i need to get the motivation to read all the books i want to read#it aint in my control though...i just have to hope i can hold out until september#ive been trying lots of new foods but there's still so much more i want to try#but yeah im tired...every day i wake up from pain and feel like im going to die...if i sleep at all#even clare has given up it's progressed too much#but im trying. im trying#and ive been gathering all our family photos and things so theyll have memories#me and my dad take a selfie every time he visits too#idk. there's not a whole lot i can say without making people sad but it's been so much lately#i struggle to scrape through the pain every day. it's been 14 years. i just want to be free#it's not like i want to die...i just want to be free of the pain and rest finally#wish me luck#p
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not doing good. at all
#purrs#today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge#getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a#and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak#i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry#and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d#do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b#be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of#km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for#any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is#making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis#miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being#shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this#delete later
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Sleepover w my probably unrequited crush was NOT good for me
#going insane. i slept for 2 hours mainly bcs i spent most of the time near cardiac arrest#such a cringefail moment nothing has changed since highschool etc. well it has but ive had 2 hrs of sleep and im being dramatic#i dont even know if shes in a relationship i think maybe shes in like a fwb situation w this guy she spends a lot of time with#who is very nice honestly might not even mind that like everyone here is polyam anyway lol but idk if she even likes me that way at all.#and i physically cannot talk to her abt this i think i'd genuinely die of a heart attack and bury myself alive no matter the outcome#but also i guess my life will stay this way forever if i dont eventually do smth abt crushes but im like SO scared#though i guess realistically the worst outcome is that i embarrass myself. like she's bisexual she's not going to kill me or be disgusted#WELL. Maybe I'll do smth abt this tomorrow (probably not)#but also im soo worried that if it's reciprocated it turns out i dont actually want anything from her#bcs that would mean i have Fucked Up Issues and i don't even know how to begin thinking abt solving them#anyway GOODNIGHT. I am tired and not in a state of mind to do deep psychoanalysis on myself 🗣
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